


Again

by JLaLa



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Complete
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2017-11-14 01:28:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 44
Words: 221,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JLaLa/pseuds/JLaLa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1995-The O.J. Trial, The Oklahoma City Bombing, and the year that Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark meet. AU-Takes place between present day and through the late 90's. COMPLETE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One: 2012

Dedicated to the children of the 90’s.

The Hunger Games characters do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for wonderful beta skills and just being a wonderful person all around.

_Back in the days when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore  
But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again…_

_-Ahmad_

Again

By JLaLa

Chapter One:  2012

**_Present Day, Redwood City_ **

“Will you be needing anything else, Miss Everdeen?” Rue, my assistant, asks.

Giving her a smile, I shake my head and close the file that I’m looking over.

“I’m good,” I reply and take a sip from my cup. “Why don’t you go to lunch?”

“Cool,” she says with a grin. “Thanks, Miss Everdeen.”

“When you’re at lunch, it’s Katniss,” I tell her. I’ve known Rue since she was a kid. She went to school with my younger sister, Prim. The two are actually living together in Burlingame. “Will you tell Prim to give me a call when she gets a chance? You see her more than I do.”

“Sure,” Rue replies. “By the way, are you going to the wedding? It’s going to be a big one. Thresh is flying in from Ontario tomorrow night.”

Thresh is Rue’s older brother and a friend of mine from high school.

“Of course! It’s not every day that a wedding like this happens.” I take a sip from my cup again. “We’ve only been waiting since we graduated high school for this to happen.”

Rue giggles. “Annie and Finnick did take their time, didn’t they?”

I nod. “They sure did.”

Her eyes turn serious suddenly. “Is _he_ coming?”

“From what Finnick tells me, yes. He’s coming in from New York.” I touch my braid unconsciously, remembering how he used to tug at it playfully.

“I’ve seen some of his work in the Times,” she informs me. “Beautiful photos.”

“He was always talented with a camera.” I look over at the photo on my desk. Looking at my watch, I smile at her. “Why are you wasting your lunch hour on me? You should go.”

“Oh yeah! I’ll see you later, Katniss!” With that, she is gone.

Getting up, I look out the window of my office. This area is all office buildings, though they try to give it some life by inserting man-made fountains and such. The Google building is a few yards away from this one. They had offered me a position there a few months ago, but I was content with where I was working.

My cellphone rings and seeing the name I pick it up, grinning. “Hello there, Johanna.”

“Katniss! You’re going to pick me up, right?” Johanna Mason, my best friend and date for the biggest wedding of the century. “I’m in L.A. right now, so I should be landing in an hour and a half. Can’t wait to see you! You must be crapping your pants right now.”

“I’m not crapping my pants right now,” I reply with a frown.

“Yeah, right.” I hear her sniff. “I need a shower right now. I haven’t had one since I left Honduras.” Johanna is a physician for ‘Doctors Without Borders’.

“TMI, dollface,” I say to her with a giggle. “Can’t wait to see you, though.”

“Katniss? Are you really alright?” Concern is obvious in her voice. “I mean, it’s Peeta.”

“I know who he is.” I sit back down and look at the photo again. “Just like I’m sure you know who Gale is.”

“Gale who?”

“Gale Hawthorne, my best friend and your former high school boyfriend?” I hear her huff. “You know, the one who married Madge?”

“Oh yeah, that one,” she says with a seemingly calm voice. “How are the Hawthornes?”

“I don’t know,” I tell her. “They live in Tacoma now, trying to do the family thing.”

“So no kids?” I can almost hear the glee in her voice.

“Not that I know of,” I reply. “Are you bringing a hot Honduran doctor with you?”

“No, but I did meet a really cute guy on the plane,” she whispers. “Really got to know him in the plane’s restroom, if you know what I mean.”

“Gross.”

“You know you love me.”

“Unfortunately.” I check my watch. “I have to go. I’ll see you soon.”

“See you then. Oh, and Katniss?” she pauses. “I can’t wait to see you.”

“It has been too long, hasn’t it?” A smile grows on my face.

“If you call five years a long time,” Johanna says and I can hear her take a deep breath. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“I know.” I don’t actually believe it. “Are you telling yourself this?”

“Yes,” she says. “I’m saying it to you, too.”

“See you soon.”  I hang up.

Picking up the invitation, I look at the fancy script inviting me to witness the wedding of Finnick Odair and Annie Cresta. Our group of friends has been waiting for them to tie the knot since we were teenagers. They were the golden couple, the high school sweethearts and to this day are still mad for one another.

I look at the picture on my desk. It was taken many years ago during a picnic in Dolores Park.

Annie and Finnick stand to one side with his arm around her waist. Annie is wearing a baby-doll dress that we had picked out at Contempo Casuals that very day. She had wanted to impress Finnick. It shouldn’t have mattered anyway, because Finnick wasn’t much of a dresser to begin with. He was in a wife beater and light blue Calvin Klein jeans. It was his staple outfit.

Next to them is Thresh, in his bright striped shirt and overalls shorts, one strap hangs over his front. His cornrowed hair is peeking out slightly from backwards baseball cap.

Then there is Gale, with his chin length hair that hung over his eyes, covering the beautiful grey that they were. He used to tie his flannels around his waist. When Johanna was cold, she would yank them from his waist and the throw them on.

Johanna had a strange way of flirting.

She stood next to me in a tight leather pants, a red tank and a fishnet top over it. Her hair was cropped to her chin and it had a burgundy tinge to it from using too much sun-in spray.

Then there was me, with my hair split down the middle and tied in a loose braid. My outfit was a black tank and baggy olive green pants. Apparently, I thought I was the fourth member of TLC.

Peeta.

He had just moved up from San Diego a month before that picture was taken and was just assimilating himself into the group. It was his camera that had captured the moment. He was talented, even as a young boy. Peeta has his hands in the pockets of his khakis. It was a nervous habit of his, stuffing his hands in his pockets when he felt awkward.

A text comes through on my phone: ‘Home at six. –A’

Tossing my keys into my purse, I respond before heading out to SFO to pick up Johanna.

‘See you then. Love you.’

++++++

“Excuse me, beautiful,” a deep voice says behind me.

I roll my eyes and turn. I’d know that voice anywhere, even when it’s trying to sound like a guy’s.

Standing in front of me is Johanna, grinning wickedly at me. Her hair is now a rich chocolate brown and is blunt at the ends. It grazes her shoulders nicely. Her skin is nicely tan and her figure fit. She is wearing a halter top and shorts and on her feet,  thick soled boots.

I pull her in for hug. “Did you really think that I would fall for that line?”

“Yes, because you could really use a good ‘up and down’ time in your life,” she replies as we hug. “You look beautiful, not a day over thirty.”

“Thirty-four is not so bad,” I say to her. I look at her empty hands. “Where’s your luggage?”

She turns with me and we see a handsome dark-haired man holding two big bags just a few feet away. Johanna winks at him.

“Bathroom guy?” I ask her. She nods.

“He was nice enough to hold my bags for me.”

“I don’t have to drive him home, do I?”

“I’ll be your best friend if you do,” Johanna says, batting her eyelashes.

“You are my best friend,” I say back. “He could be a murderer.”

“No, he’s not,” she says. “Trust me. I checked for weapons.”

“I don’t even want to ask how.”

++++++

We drop off Antonio in San Bruno and Johanna tells me that she actually met him in Honduras. He is actually a nurse who just happened to be leaving the same time as her. They shared a cab and sat next to one another on the plane. Boredom and horniness led to their tryst in the restroom.

“I can’t believe you,” I say as I drive on the 280. “You are crazy.”

“Well if I’d known that there were perks like this being a computer nerd, then I would’ve gone down your career path,” she says and touches the leather seat that she sits in. “Look at you, all fancy in your BMW.”        

“I did okay.”                                      

“You’re an executive for a company that owns two major programs,” she replies. “You invented one of the programs!”

“Yeah, so?” I change lanes so I can merge onto the 101.

“There is a program called ‘KATNISS’ out there,” Johanna says in disbelief.

The ‘KATNISS’ program is a cataloging program that is used in companies to record inventory. My company first licensed the program to a children’s clothing company that had their headquarters based in San Francisco, then to a major gaming company based in New York. Now we have a thousand companies using ‘KATNISS’.

“I’m aware of that, Jo,” I reply as I make an exit off the freeway.

“That’s really great, kid.” I catch her eyes and see the seriousness in them. “I’m really proud of you. After all you’ve been through, you’ve kept it together.”

“Aw, thanks, Jo-Jo.” She grimaces at my nickname for her.

As I cut across the city, I see her excitement grow. It’s been a long time and the city has changed in a lot of places. It has also remained the same. Her eyes become far away when she sees our old school, Mission High School. She looks over and sees Dolores Park. I take her hand as she looks at the park that was our hangout.

I know she is thinking of Gale.

“So have you seen the happy couple lately?” she asks me after a moment. “This wedding in Napa sounds unsurprisingly ostentatious.”

“I met up with them last week,” I tell her.

“How is Los Angeles treating them?” We are driving up the hill to my house in Noe Valley.

“Good, I presume.” I make a turn into my driveway. “Of course, Finn is a producer and Annie is a surgeon, so they are living the high life.”

“And so are you!” Johanna looks up at my house.

It is a two-story house resembling an Italian villa. There is a balcony on the top floor and the large windows make the house seem more open. I grin when I see the car already parked in the driveway.

 I beep twice.

“Welcome to my house,” I tell her and we both get out of the car.

“It’s gorgeous,” she says looking up at it. “Where’s A—“

Before she can finish, the door bursts open. “Auntie Jo-Jo!”

“Adina!” My daughter throws herself into Johanna’s arms. Dark-haired and olive skinned, Adina is truly my daughter. The shape of her dark grey eyes is her father’s however. “How are you doing, darling?”

“Wonderful,” Adina responds enthusiastically. While we look alike, our similarities end there. She is bright and bubbly, while I was always serious when I was her age. “Did Mom tell you that I got into Juilliard?”

“Oh, my God! Congratulations baby!” Johanna turns to me. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I wanted her to tell you,” I reply. “After all, you are her Godmother.”

Adina comes to me and gives me a hug. Then she turns back to Johanna.

“I hate that it’s so far away though,” she says. “I don’t want to leave Mom all by herself.”

“I’ll be fine,” I assure her. Looking her over, I see that she’s still in her school uniform. “Why didn’t you change, Sweetheart?”

“I just got home five minutes ago,” she tells me. “Band practice ran long.”

“Let’s take your Godmother out for dinner,” I say. “She needs to get thoroughly sloshed if she is going to hang with us.”

“Can we go to Lupa?” It’s her favorite Italian restaurant. I nod with a grin. “I’ll go get changed!” Adina runs back into the house, her long wavy hair flying behind her.

Johanna meets my eyes. “You did good, Katniss. She’s wonderful.”

“She’s her father.”

++++++

Knocking on the door, I enter Adina’s room. She is already sitting on the bed and I smile when I see that she is wearing an old two tone baseball tee that was once mine. Adina closes the box that she was looking into as I close the door.

“Hey,” I greet her and walk over to sit on the edge of the bed.

She smiles back and my insides ache. That familiar grin. How can a smile make me so happy and so sad at the same time?

“Where’s Auntie Jo-Jo?” Adina asks.

“Passed out on red wine in her room,” I tell her and trace the box with my fingers. Adina looks at me guiltily.

“She had some wild stories.” Johanna captivated everyone with her adventures in South America. I think that’s the reason they kept on giving her wine.

“You know your Godmother,” I tell her. “Always the life of the party.” I look at the box and open it after getting a nod from her.

Inside are movie tickets to the movie ‘Dangerous Minds’, three cassette tapes in their cardboard cases, and finally, a picture of me when I was Adina’s age—taken by him.

“Auntie Prim told me that Peeta is coming to the wedding,” she says. I nod silently, unable to swallow the lump forming in my throat. “You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I ask and then look at her. Adina is trying to fight off her feelings of excitement. “Are you okay?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. He’s a stranger.”

“It’s not your fault,” I say to her. “It’s mine. I was selfish and I didn’t want to share you. Even with him.”

Adina shakes her head and smiles at me. “You did what you had to do,” she says. “Look at everything he has accomplished, the beautiful photographs that he’s taken. I’m proud of him.” Adina looks down at the picture of me. “He wouldn’t have taken those photographs if he had a kid strapped to his hip.”

“I feel bad.” I take Adina’s hand. “Every child should know their father.”

“I think you did great, if it helps.” I push her hair away from her face. She is so much like him. Her enthusiasm for life and her unselfish nature are definitely not my traits. I wanted her because she was his. When I first laid eyes on her, she was mine and no one else’s.

“It helps a lot,” I say to her. “I’m going to tell him, you know.”

“You don’t have to,” Adina says, her big grey eyes staring at me. “I feel like he’ll know somehow. Let him come to us.”

“If he does know and he just takes off after the wedding, I don’t want you to be disappointed.”

Adina nods. “We have each other,” she replies simply. “I don’t need anyone but you to be my parent. It would be nice to know him, though.”

“It would definitely be nice for you to get to know him.” Adina smiles half-heartedly and her eyes are suddenly full of tears. I pull her into my arms and she sniffles softly into my chest. “Adina, what’s wrong?”

“What if he doesn’t like me?” she asks in a small voice.

“He’s going to love you,” I assure her and run my hand down her hair. “He’s going to hate me for never telling him about you.”

“No, he still cares for you.” She pulls away and wipes her eyes. “Auntie Rue says that he asks my Godfather about you all the time.”

“I’ll have to ask Thresh about that then.” Kissing her forehead, I stand up and she lies down. “Go to bed, we have a long week ahead of us.” I pull the covers over her.  “Goodnight, baby.”

“Night, Mom,” she replies quietly and she turns to her side to look at me. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” I say. Adina closes her eyes.

When I reach the doorway and shut off the light, she is already asleep.

“Dad…” It comes out as a whisper.

Poor kid. I really screwed up.

Closing the door, I walk out into the hallway. Pictures of Adina growing up are hung up on the wall. The last picture on the wall before my bedroom is her senior photo. Her smile is Peeta’s. It is a constant reminder of my betrayal.

When I enter my room, I look around. Photographs line the walls, most of them of Adina. Some of them are photos of random city scenery, but they are striking nonetheless. When Johanna saw, she could only shake her head. After all this time, I couldn’t let them go. They were his gift to me.

Peeta Mellark’s photos, dependent on subject, run for at least a good thousand. I’m lucky to have his amateur work.

I change into my pajamas and then turn on the radio.

_“You’re all I need…to get by, ahhhh…”_

Getting into bed, I listen to the song and memories flood my mind.

When I close my eyes, I am no longer thirty-four year old Katniss Everdeen, mother of sixteen year old Adina Everdeen and co-owner of Cartwright Programming.

I am Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old and I have just seen the most beautiful pair of blue eyes from across the school gym.

* * *

 

So ends Chapter One. Chapter Two will take place in 1995.

The title of this story is based off the Janet Jackson song from the ‘Poetic Justice’ soundtrack.

I hope you like this beginning set-up.

I know this is set in San Francisco again, but I have family and friends that are Katniss’ present age so they can give me insight. I was only in middle school then, though I remember a lot.

Does anyone know where I got the name Adina from?

The song that Katniss hears is “I’ll Be There for You/You’re All I Need to Get By” performed by Method Man and Mary J.Blige.

There is an actual Mission High School. Also, Dolores Park is park in San Francisco. Noe Valley is a district in San Francisco. It’s a nice quiet area between Mission and the Castro. Lupa is an Italian restaurant in Noe Valley.

Redwood City is where a lot of the companies like Google and Sony are located. My husband worked over at Sony for a while. Redwood City is probably thirty to forty-five minutes from San Francisco dependent on traffic.

Next: May 1995 from Katniss’s POV.

Send all comments and feedback to [JLaLaFics@yahoo.com](mailto:JLaLaFics@yahoo.com) , or on AO3 or in my message/ask on Tumblr.

-JLaLa


	2. Chapter Two: 1995

Thank you to everyone who commented about the first chapter. I’m so glad that you enjoyed it!

The characters of the Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

_Mama always told me to "Be careful who I love”  
And Daddy always told me, "Make sure he’s right"…_

_-Aaliyah “4 Page Letter” (1997)_

Again

Chapter Two: 1995

**Friday, May 26, 1995**

_“Shorty, I'm there for you anytime you need me_   
_For real girl, it's me in your world, believe me_   
_Nothin’ make a man feel better than a woman_   
_Queen with a crown that be down for whatever_   
_There are few things that's forever, my lady….”_

“The new boy is looking at you,” Johanna, my best friend, tells me as the music blares in the crowded gym.

I turn to see where Johanna is looking and catch a pair of bright blue eyes looking at me from across the way. The sound of Mary J. Blige singing the hook fades around me as we make eye contact. He’s only been here for a month, but I noticed him that first day when he walked into my AP English class. When Miss Trinket sat him behind me, my skin immediately tingled and somehow, I knew he was staring. Just like I do now.

“You like him,” she teases and gives me a smile. “So is that why you dragged all of us to this shitty dance?”

“No,” I say. “I’m here because I’m supporting Thresh. If more people come to these shitty school dances, then he gets hired for more dances.”

I look up at the bleachers where Thresh has set up with his turntables. He’s dancing to the music while holding a set of headphones to one ear. When our eyes meet, I give him a thumbs-up. He grins and waves at me. His bright mustard button down is noticeable even in the dark and compliments his skin tone. Unfortunately, the baggy pants and the cornrows don’t.

“Whatever,” Johanna responds and holds out a bottle of Snapple to me. “Want some?”

“Is all of it actual juice in there?”

She shakes her head and begins to sway to the music.  Her eggplant-colored leather pants cling to her tightly and her black cropped sweater shows off her recent belly piercing. Johanna exudes a sexiness that I can’t and I suddenly feel self-conscious.

Johanna notices right away and stops. “What’s wrong?”

“Do I look okay?” I hold out of the skirt of the burgundy baby doll I’m wearing, a hand-me-down from Annie. She said she had two more just like it.

“You look so cute,” she assures me. “Here—“ Johanna turns and cups her hands around her mouth. “HEY NEW BOY! COME HERE!”

“Jo!” Shit. He’s coming over.

“Don’t act like you don’t want him to come over, especially when you’ve had your pretty grey eyes on him this whole time.”

“I look like shit.”

“You look beautiful.”

I whip around quickly and my braid comes into contact with someone.

“I guess you don’t take compliments well,” Peeta Mellark says as he rubs his cheek. He smiles and my cheeks warm.

“I’m so sorry,” I say. My hand instantly reaches up to touch his cheek and now he’s blushing.

“You two are going to make beautiful babies,” Johanna jokes. “I’m Johanna Mason, Katniss’ best friend. What’s your name, new boy?”

“Peeta. Peeta Mellark,” he introduces himself.  “Nice to meet you.”

“So, Peeta, you take pictures?” She nods her head at the Canon camera that he holds in his hand. The strap connected to it hangs around his neck.

“I started about a month ago,” he tells her.

“Are you good?”

“I’m working on it,” Peeta says and his eyes meet mine again.

Johanna looks between us. “Okay…” She walks over to him and puts her mouth close to his ear. “So tell me, do you like Katniss’ dress?”

The tips of his ears turn red and he puts his hands in the pockets of his khakis. His eyes travel from my face down to my dress.

“It’s pretty,” he says softly after a moment.

“Take a picture of her,” Johanna orders.

“Johanna! Bossy much?” I turn to Peeta.”Don’t listen to her.”

He shakes his head. “Let me. In fact, why don’t I take a picture of both of you?”

Johanna goes over to me and puts her arm around me. I lean my head towards hers. Peeta puts the camera up to his face so he can look through the viewer and his hand adjusts the dial around the lens.  He looks, then lets the camera rest against his chest.

“Let me fix something,” Peeta says and he walks over to me.  His hand reaches behind me and pulls my braid forward so that it rests on my shoulder. “There.” He tugs at it gently and winks before going back to his original spot.

“Look at his ass,” Johanna whispers in my ear. “Despite the fact that I hate khakis, he belongs in them.”

“Jo, please,” I plea with her. “Don’t be so yourself.”

Her eyes soften. “You really do like him, don’t you?”

I don’t answer and instead turn to where Peeta stands, holding the camera up to his face.

“Okay, smile,” he tells us.

I take a deep breath and smile for him.

Peeta takes the picture and then puts the camera down again. “Thanks for the opportunity, ladies. I’ll see you when school starts up again.”

“Wait,” Johanna says. “We’re having a little picnic for my birthday tomorrow. It’s going to be in the park across the street. You should come. You can meet the rest of the crew.”

“I think I met one of your friends already. Finnick?” he says. “He invited me, too. I didn’t know that it was your birthday, though.”

“Finnick would invite someone without telling me,” she mutters. “Anyway, it’s around noon. Bring your camera.”

“Sure.” He looks over at me. “You’re coming too, right?”

I nod. “I’ll be there earlier. Thresh—“ I wave over at him at the DJ booth. “—and I are in charge of decorations and music.”

“I’ll be there then,” he tells me.

“We’d better go,” Johanna says. “Gale said he’d give us a ride home.”

“You sure you don’t want to be alone with Gale?” I tease. It’s only fair.

“He and Finnick are probably so high right now,” she tells me. “You’re the only one who can drive.”

Gale and Finnick, two of our other friends, agreed to come with us but disappeared just moments after the dance started. I’m pretty sure we’re going to find them smoking up in the park. Finnick wouldn’t be doing it though if Annie, his girlfriend, was here. She’s having dinner with her grandparents.

“You’re right,” I tell her. “Let’s go.” I look over at Peeta. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Can’t wait,” he replies with an easy smile. “Good night.”

As we walk away, I can feel him watching us. Just like in class, I can feel the goosebumps rising on my skin. This time, it doesn’t seem to bother me.

++++++

I open the door quietly to my house.

I’m surprised that Mom isn’t waiting up for me. She’s usually up at this time to watch recaps of the O.J. trial on the ten o’clock news. Since the trial began broadcasting on TV, my parents have become obsessed. O.J. is a San Francisco native and a former Niners player. He even went to Galileo High School, which is where my parents went.

As I walk up the stairs and to my room, I pass my parents’ bedroom and can hear them arguing. When are they not fighting?

I quickly run into my room and close the door. Once I am changed, I turn on the radio and choose the classical music station. The music helps to drown them out. Lately, they’ve been going at it a lot more. Before, it was just a weekly thing.

Pulling back the blanket, I slip into bed. I close my eyes and try to ignore my Mom’s voice. She’s screaming about his work schedule. She’s tired of waiting for him to come home.

Why do they always have to yell? I’m surprised that Prim isn’t up.

Then I hear a knock on the door. Sitting up, I see Prim, my younger sister, in the doorway. She’s thirteen, but the pink pajama pants and the ‘Carmen Sandiego’ t-shirt make her look like a child.

“Can’t sleep?” I ask her.

“They’ve been yelling since dinner,” Prim says to me sadly. I shake my head. My parents never think about filtering themselves whenever they are in front of her.

“About what?”

She walks in and closes the door. “Dad came home late and I guess we were supposed to go out to dinner since you were going to the dance.” As she approaches me, she continues her story. “Mom said she was tired of always being stuck at home after work.” Mom works downtown as an administrative assistant. 

“Do you want to sleep with me?” I ask and she nods. I pull back the covers and she squeezes in right next to me. “They’ll make up, they always do.”

When I was younger, their fighting wasn’t as bad and they were always okay within a day. All my Dad had to do was wrap his arms around her waist and she would forgive him. That was a long time ago.

I pull the blanket over us. “How was the dance?” she asks me.

“It was fun,” I reply. “Johanna got to show off her belly button ring. Thresh was great. Everyone really liked the music. Gale seemed to have a fun time, too.”

He had fun alright. I ended up driving while he spent most of the time cuddling against Johanna in the backseat while we dropped off Finnick. Johanna was only happy to oblige. She let him lay his head on her lap and through the rearview mirror, I watched her run her hand through his long hair.

They have been playing this game for six months. None of us know what is going on with them.

“How about you?” Prim asks. My parents have finally tired themselves out and the other side of the wall is silent. “Did you have fun?”

“Johanna and I met a boy.” It comes out without thought. 

Prim looks up at me and grins. “A boy? What’s his name?”

“His name is Peeta Mellark. He just moved here from San Diego a month ago. He’s in my English class.”

“Is he cute?” I almost giggle at her wide eyes. She is still so innocent. “What does he look like?”

“He has wavy blond hair and blue eyes. He has a nice smile and he’s a good height; not too short, not too tall. Johanna says he has a nice butt.” We both laugh when I tell her this.

“What do you think of his butt?”

“I never got a good look,” I lie. I actually had a great view of it in his khakis. “He takes pictures, too.”

“Wow,” she whispers and yawns. Prim is drifting off. “Do you like him?”

I think for a moment before answering.

“Yes.”

++++++

 _“We were chillin in the park_  
 _Just waiting for the sun to go down_  
 _It was me Shiro and the homies_  
 _A lighter shade of brown…”_  

“Thanks for helping out,” I tell Peeta and lower the volume of Thresh’s portable boombox.

We sit next to one another on top of the picnic table. Thresh mans the grill while Annie and Finnick dance to the music. Their arms are wrapped tightly around each another and I try not to blush as they grind against one another in the busy park. A few people are watching, but they don’t seem to care.

Letting Annie get that dress this morning was such a bad idea. She picked me up before I had to set up so that we could go to the mall downtown where she proceeded to try on every dress in Contempo.

I sat in the dressing room reading a dream dictionary from their book section.

The dress has pretty floral print, but it stopped being pretty when I realized how short it was. I mentioned it to her, but then she started talking about “easy access for Finn” and I stopped listening.

“No problem.” He smiles back at me as he fiddles with his camera.  “Everyone is really nice.”

“Even Gale?” I think of his reaction when I introduced Peeta. Besides Johanna, Gale is one of my closest friends. “He doesn’t come off as very nice.”

“No, he’s okay,” Peeta tells me. “He’s just really protective of you and Johanna. I can tell.”

“I’ve known him forever.” I lean forward and clasp my hands. “So he’s like a brother.” Peeta’s eyes brighten. ”Look at them, though.”

Our eyes drift to Johanna and Gale who are a few feet away. Johanna leans back against the tree. Gale stands in front of her. One hand rests against the tree as he leans towards her.

“They look really happy,” Peeta says. He raises his camera to his face and takes a photo of them. “And you? Do you have someone that you’re with?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know…someone that you act like—“ He nods towards Finnick and Annie who are still dancing. “—them with?”

I look at him for a moment. He wants to know if I have a boyfriend.

Instead of answering, I look through the pile of CD’s and pull one out. Stopping the CD that’s playing, I push open the top of the boombox and change out the CD’s.

I push the fast forward until I get to track four. We listen to the slow beat and the beginning lines before I turn to him again.

“Do you like this song?” I ask him.

_“I must admit to you_   
_I've heard them lines a time or two_   
_Although for some apparent reason_   
_Monkey lines are now in season_   
_Lights off, lights on_   
_I guess the groove is on so I am…”_

“Who doesn’t love this song? But they should let Chilli sing more.” he replies.  I smile at his statement.

“No,” I tell him. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Good.” He is suddenly closer and I’m not really sure which one of us moved. Maybe it was both. “Can I take your picture?”

“I’m no good at pictures.”

“You were fine yesterday,” he argues.

“I was with Johanna.”

“I promise that I’ll make it painless,” he says. “Now, tell me who’s the person that you love most in the world?”

I look over at him for a moment. What is he playing at? Peeta’s mouth relaxes into a smile as I stare at him. Something inside tells me to trust him.

“My sister, Prim,” I say and look out at the park. “There’s no one that I love more than her.”

_Click._

“See? Easy,” he says. “Thanks for letting me take your picture.”

“Can I have it?”

Peeta shakes his head. “Any other pictures I take of you are yours if you want, just not this one.”

“Why?”

“I want to keep it just in case we never see each other again,” Peeta tells me.

“That sounds really sad,” I remark.

He put his camera down.  “Do you want to know why I started taking pictures?”

“Tell me.”

“Oklahoma City.” His bright eyes are suddenly dark. “Seeing those images of the building did something to me. And the pictures of children, especially of Baylee Almon—my oldest brother is a firefighter. I never saw him cry until he saw those photos.  Being able to capture a moment like that teaches us not to forget.”

I’m blown away. I’ve never known someone so passionate about something.

“A week after that, I pulled out my Dad’s old Canon and started taking pictures. I’m not great at it.”

“But you will be,” I tell him. “I feel like you see things that no one else does.”

“I try.”

“Do you think that you see something in me that no one else does?” I ask.

Our eyes meet and Peeta nods. He reaches over to where my braid lays against my shoulder and tugs at it. “I don’t think. I know.”

“HEY, PEETA!” Johanna is running towards us. Gale follows at a more languid pace and he smiles as he watches her.

“Yes, birthday girl?” She grins at the title. Jo officially approves of him.

“We need a picture of the crew,” she states. “Can you make it happen?”

“I think I can arrange it,” he says. “Call everyone over.”

Johanna wrangles Annie and Finnick apart while Peeta sets up his tripod. Then she drags Thresh over. “We’re ready.”

He looks at the group first after putting his camera on the stand. “So, Annie and Finnick first, then Thresh.  Gale in the middle, then the birthday girl and finally, Katniss.”

“What about you?” Johanna asks him. “You have to be in the picture, too.”

“You sure?” Peeta looks pleased at being included.

“Of course!” Finnick says to him. “You’re part of the family.”

“Come play with us,” Annie adds, her smile slightly crooked because she is buzzed.

“Yeah, dude,” Thresh says. “Anyone willing to take on Katniss here is worth hanging with.”

“Thresh!” My face is on fire.

“Girl, you know I got your back. I’m trying to hook you up here!” He laughs at my embarrassed expression.

“We’re losing valuable time. The sun is going to set soon,” Johanna whines.

“Let me just set up the timer.” Peeta presses a button and then rushes over. He stands next to me. Our eyes meet and he gives me a lopsided smile. “Ready?”

“I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting year,” I tell him before turning towards the camera.

* * *

 Next: Peeta-2012

There’s going to a brief hiatus since the lovely Chelzie is going on a well-deserved vacation. I’ll be working on the next chapters of “Two Wrongs” and “Again” during this time.

There are two big events that I refer to.

The Oklahoma City Bombing occurred on April 19, 1995 and it remains one of the most destructive acts of terrorism in the United States.  Nineteen of the 168 people that perished were children. The iconic image of Baylee Almon being held by Firefighter Chris Fields was taken by photographer, Charles Porter. Porter was awarded a Pulitzer in 1996.

The other event that I refer to is the O.J. Simpson trial, where he was tried for the murder of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ronald Goldman. The trial began to air on television in January of 1995 and continued until October 3rd when the verdict was announced. We’ll see everyone’s thoughts on this later on.

I hope that no one feels like I am trying to make a statement on any of these events. These two events were a large part of 1995 and really should be inferred to, if anything.

There is also a lot of alcohol and weed smoking in this story. I just wanted to warn people going in. This fic is rated M for a reason.

This is just a _brief_ introduction of all the characters, but I’m hoping that each one gets their own chapter. Not everyone is what they seem.

Prim wears a “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” shirt. The show ended on December 22nd of that year.

Songs:

"I'll Be There for You/You're All I Need to Get By"-Method Man/Mary J. Blige (1995)

“On a Sunday Afternoon”-A Lighter Shade of Brown (1991)

“Diggin’ On You”-TLC (1994)

Please e-mail any comments to [JLaLaFics@yahoo.com](mailto:JLaLaFics@yahoo.com), ask/submit on Tumblr, or review on AO3.

Thanks for all your support!

-JLaLa


	3. Chapter Three: 2012

Thank you for your patience while I finished up Two Wrongs!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

_I guess now it's time for me to give up_   
_I feel it's time_   
_Got a picture of you beside me_   
_Got you're lipstick mark still on your coffee cup…_

_-Take That “Back for Good” (1995)_

Again

Chapter Three: 2012

**_Upper West Side, Manhattan_ **

“Mr. Mellark, your driver is here.”

I look away from the computer screen to see my studio manager, Clove, waiting by the door for me. I make notes on my photo editor program before getting up.

“Thanks, Clove,” I say as I get up and go to her. I take the luggage that is by the door. “Walk with me.” She nods and follows me down the hallway. “Make sure that Darius checks out the notes I made on the Yosemite photos; I just finished the last set. Also, please have him tint the last three photos in File Four.”

“Got it.” She pulls out a notepad from her pocket and starts writing. “By the way, your plane ticket is in the pocket of your carry-on.”

“Thanks. You both have my cell phone number,” I continue as we get into the elevator. “I left the number to Finnick and Annie’s place on the bulletin board.”

“I already have it on my iPad,” she says. “Anything else?”

We walk outside into the humid afternoon heat. The driver tips his hat to me and I hand him my bag. He goes to my door and opens it for me.

“Take a day off,” I tell her. “Spend the day with that girlfriend that you keep on complaining about.”

“Yes, sir,” she replies with a grin. “Have a great trip.”

I give her a final wave before the driver closes the door.

++++++

It’s been almost seventeen years since I’ve been to San Francisco.

When Katniss stopped talking to me, I had no reason to come back. My Dad had returned to San Diego after I graduated, since the bakery didn’t seem to be gaining any business in the Bay Area. He lives with my older brother and his family now.

“Sir, will you please put your table up?” the flight attendant asks as she passes my chair. “We’re getting ready to land in a few minutes.” I nod and put my table back in its place before sitting back.

I look out the window and see nothing but clouds. The fog in San Francisco seems to be heavy today.

I wonder if she’ll be going to the wedding. Thresh said that she would be coming with Johanna, who was staying at her place. I was afraid, however, that she would change her mind if she knew I was there.

I pull out my wallet and take out the worn photograph. It was the first one I ever took of her. She looked so pretty. And the way she smiled when she talked about Prim, I knew I was already done for.

I trace her profile in the photo.

The seatbelt sign comes on and I quickly put the picture back in my wallet.

I’m going to see Katniss Everdeen again. And I’m scared shitless.

++++++

**_San Francisco, California_ **

“Peeta!” Finnick lifts me easily from the sidewalk. “It’s so good to see you, dude!” Behind him, Annie grins prettily and waves.

“Hey, man,” I reply after he puts me down.

“Hi, Anne.” I’m the only one who calls her. Then I give her a kiss on the cheek. “You’re really going to marry this asshole?”

She holds out her hand which displays the giant diamond ring on her finger. “I guess so. The invitations have been sent out and have you seen this thing?”

“Nice and completely extravagant like your fiancé,” I say as I look at it. “Now let me get a good look at you two.” I take my old Canon from its case.

“I can’t believe you still have that thing,” Finnick says as he puts his arm around Annie’s shoulders. Finnick was always built, but he is even broader than before. His skin has been bronzed by the Los Angeles sun and his hair is neatly combed back. He is wearing a striped button down, dark jeans and loafers.

Annie is wearing a pair of leather leggings and a loose white tunic. Her long, dark hair is in a topknot. On her feet are a pair of Manolo heels; I shot an ad for them two seasons ago and saw a shoe similar to the one she’s wearing.

“The classics will never die,” I say. “Now hold still so I can take this picture.”

They smile easily for the camera. Finnick and Annie have always been a very good looking couple. However, there was always more to their relationship than the looks factor. They worked very hard to keep their relationship going, especially after what happened to Finnick.

Finnick takes my bag and puts it into the trunk of the white BMW. I hop into the back and before I know it, we are speeding down the highway.

“I see that you’re still driving like a fucking maniac,” I remark as he cuts off an Escalade.

“I have to beat that bridge traffic you know,” he says. “How have you been? I saw your photos for the new exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. They looked great.”

“They pay the bills,” I say.

“I can’t believe that the Times made you their photographer for Fashion Week,” Annie says as she turns to look at me. “Was it fabulous?”

“I ate ten Gray’s Papaya hot dogs after each show,” I tell her. “I felt so bad for the models. They all looked like they were starving. I was waiting for one of them to pass out on the runway.”

“They get paid to stay thin,” Finnick says and winks at Annie. “I prefer some meat on my ladies.” She swats his arm affectionately.

“Speaking of ladies…have you talked to Katniss?”

I see their eyes meet as they communicate with one another. Damn couples telepathy.

“Yes, we have,” Annie finally says. ”We actually had lunch with her last week.”

“How is she?” I ask carefully.

“She’s doing well,” Finnick tells me as he drives. “She owns a house is in Noe Valley now and works for Delly’s company in Redwood City.”

“I heard.” I remember Thresh mentioning that his little sister is her assistant.

“Before you ask, she’s not married,” Annie tells me.

“You should definitely talk to her,” Finnick says. “You guys have some…unfinished business.” Annie hits his arm again and glares at him.

“What?” I ask and they look at each other nervously.

“Just talk to her, okay?” Annie repeats. “She’s coming to the party tomorrow.”

“And please, please try to keep an open mind, okay?” Finnick says, his voice suddenly serious.

“Okay.” I’m not sure what I’m agreeing to, however.

++++++

**_Napa, California_ **

I see Katniss. Teenage Katniss.

For a moment, I think that I’m drunk. Then I realize that I haven’t had a drop of liquor at this party.

She walks around the party in a knee-length, dark green dress with her hair pulled back.

I really am a wreck. I’m seeing her everywhere.

No one I know is here yet. Thresh should be arriving any minute with Johanna. Gale is driving down from Tacoma with his wife, Madge, and will be here later tonight. Everyone is a little nervous about the reunion between him and Johanna.

It’s going to be an interesting week.

Instead of mingling with people, I decide to take pictures. I get nervous around crowds, so I like to hide behind my lens and just observe. I don’t remember being like this when I was seventeen, though.

However, a lot has happened between then and now.

That’s another story.

The house we are staying at is Annie’s family home, or one of them anyway. Her family is old money. Besides this Napa vineyard home, they also have their house on Nob Hill. Her grandparents also own one of the Victorians on Alamo Square. I have no idea how she ended up going to Mission High School.

We used to come here with Annie. Katniss and I, along with the rest of the group, used this place as our little hideaway. Here, we had no problems and no rules; here, we were free.

My mind drifts to an image of Katniss, bare back with her dark hair loose as she lay hidden in the vineyard.  I remember letting my hand move along the curves of her body, starting from her shoulder to her waist and onto her hip where I finally let it rest.

The sound of music brings me back to reality and I follow it to a less crowded area of the house. The music gets louder as I turn a corner and when I peek my head into the library, I see Katniss again.

She is playing the piano. Her eyes are concentrated on the black and ivory keys. The more I watch her, the more I start to see that she isn’t my Katniss. Her eyes are a different shape, but she shares the same grey.

I aim my camera and take a shot. I want to capture this moment; this moment of utter contentment.

She looks up and spots me. The girl stops and her eyes widen when she sees me. “It’s you.”

“Do you know me?”

“I’ve heard of you. I’ve seen your photos. You’re Peeta Mellark.”

“Oh.” I feel disappointed for some reason. “Can I come in?”

“Sure. Have a seat,” she tells me. “I hope that Annie is okay with me playing her piano.”

“I don’t think she’ll mind,” I say. “Do you mind if I take your picture?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine,” the girl says, her eyes focused on me. Her hands find her way back to the keys and she begins to play the same song. I take another photo.

“What song is that?”

“Pavane,” she replies. “It was my audition piece. I’m going to Juilliard next year.”

“Congratulations,” I say. “Your parents must be proud.”

She turns to me and tilts her head slightly. It looks familiar--that one movement.

“It’s just my Mom, but we’re really close.”

“What’s your name?”

“Adina,” she says and holds out her hand.

“Nice to meet you.” I shake her hand and that strange feeling happens again. Adina lets go of me quickly and runs her hand through her hair. “Are you just studying piano at Juilliard?”

“I’ll be studying voice also.”

“Impressive,” I say and she seems happy with my approval.

“I’m going to be singing later for Annie and Finnick,” Adina tells me. “You’ll watch, won’t you?”

“Of course.”

“You promise?”

“I’ll be right in the front.”

“ADINA! Where are you?”

She stands up and makes sure that her dress isn’t wrinkled. “That’s my Auntie Jo-Jo. I’d better go.”

“Jo-Jo?” I know only one other person who is allowed to call Johanna Mason ‘Jo-Jo.’

“My godmother. I came here with her and my godfather, Thresh. I’d better go.” She walks to the doorway then turns back to me. “Remember your promise!”

I nod before asking the question that been burning in my mind. “Adina, who is your mother?”

“Katniss Everdeen.”

++++++

I find Finnick outside on the deck.  He is dressed in a jet-black tuxedo talking to some guests. Annie stands next to him in a white silk halter dress with a small train. They look perfect, of course.

Annie’s parents have paid a pretty penny for their only daughter’s reception. It looks Gatsby-esque, as everything is white and opulent. A big band plays; they’re all in white tuxedos with tails. In the middle of the dance floor is a blue light that had created the letters, A&F, with its shadow.

I approach him and give his guests a friendly smile.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but may I speak to Finnick for a moment?” I meet his eyes and the once jovial look on his face disappears.

“I’m fine, darling,” Annie says to calm the tenseness that I have brought to the group.  “You go on ahead.” She gives me a smile before Finnick leads me away.

We walk to a less crowded area of the yard and then I turn to him.

“She has a daughter.” It’s all I can manage to say.

“You’ve met Adina,” he states.

“You’ve met Adina?” I look at him, confused.

“I met her last week when we had lunch with Katniss,” Finnick replies, his voice taking on a careful tone. He looks at me like he is waiting for me to explode. “We had lunch at her house and Adina had just come home from school.”

“She looks a lot like her, but then she doesn’t seem like her at all,” I say softly. “Who’s the father?”

“You need to talk to Katniss about this; it’s not my story to tell,” Finnick urges and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay? I know how you get around people sometimes.”

I nod. ”It’s been getting better.”

We see that a crowd is gathering on the dance floor. “We’d better head back. Annie will have my head if I disappear on her.”

“You owe me a drink later.”

He nods and puts an arm on my shoulders as we walk back. I look around and suddenly spot Adina. She is by the stairs of the stage as she talks to Johanna and Thresh. When Adina spots me, she smiles and waves. Her godparents follow her gaze over to me. Johanna’s mouth falls open, but Thresh gives me a friendly nod.

Katniss has not made an appearance.

I see Adina walk up the stage and the crowd quiets for the pretty, dark haired teenager. She goes to the white grand piano that has been set up in the center and sits. A microphone has been set up on the piano.

She looks around again. I think she is looking for her mother. Her eyes then focus over on me. I give her an encouraging smile.

“I just wanted to say congratulations to Annie and Finnick on their upcoming wedding,” she says into the mic and then looks over at them. ”This house is beautiful like my Mom said it would be and the party is great. It’s not quite fair, though, to bring someone who can’t drink to a vineyard.”

The crowd laughs. Adina has an easy charm. Watching her, I can see the differences between her and her mother. Katniss was not good at speaking to strangers. She had bluntness which I liked and understood, though many people didn’t. She preferred to stick to the people she knew. I can see Adina being very popular at Juilliard.

“I was going to sing something more classic, but I guess being around my Mom’s high school friends has made me—nostalgic? I’m not sure if that’s the right word.” Adina places her hands on keys. “Instead, I decided to sing a song that my Mom used to sing to me, a song that she loved when she was my age.” She looks over at Annie and Finnick. “I hope you don’t mind.”

They both shake their heads.

Adina nods and then begins to play. My hearts swells hearing the first notes. I know this song. Katniss used to sing this to me.

_“I heard from a friend today_   
_And she said you were in town_   
_Suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind…”_

Suddenly, I’m seventeen again. I’m standing awkwardly in front of Miss Trinket’s class as she introduces me and instantly my eyes find hers. She stares back before looking down at her notebook.

I shake the memory from my mind and look at Adina. Her eyes are closed, lost in the music. Everyone else is wonderstruck by her. For someone so young, she is so accomplished. I’m proud of her, and proud of Katniss for raising someone like her alone.

But why was she alone?

_“I've come too close to happiness_   
_To have it swept away_   
_Don't think I can take the pain_   
_No, never fall again…”_

I look to my left and there she is. Katniss Everdeen.

She doesn’t see me because her eyes are focused on Adina, a blissful smile on her red lips. I find myself moving towards her slowly, though I’m not quite sure why. It’s a force beyond my own control. As I walk, I focus on her.

She’s wearing a fitted black dress and matching heels. Her hair falls in neat waves over her shoulders, with one side clipped back with a sparking dandelion clip. In her hand is a champagne glass like the rest of the guests. I can see that Katniss has grown into a very beautiful and sophisticated looking woman.

_“Kinda late in the game and my heart is in your hands…”_

My hand reaches for her wrist and my thumb caresses the soft skin. I used to do this, especially when I was nervous or she was upset. It would always calm us down.

She turns to me. The look in her eyes the same when she sees me. I realize that sixteen years have passed and my feelings for her haven’t changed one bit. I still love her.

Katniss smiles at me, then turns back to look at her daughter.

Adina is finishing her song and her eyes suddenly focus on the two of us.

Instantly, the puzzle comes together in my head and I see it all clearly. Her eyes are the same shape as my mother’s. The same shape as mine. The way her head tilted when she talked to me is like my Dad. She runs her hand through her hair when she’s nervous—just like I do.

Adina said that she would be going to Juilliard next year. That would make her around sixteen.

Wait, sixteen? Holy crap!

_“God knows I do love you again…”_

“Adina…” I start, my voice thick. “She’s mine, isn’t she? She’s my daughter.”

Katniss turns to me once more, her eyes telling me what I already know.

She answers anyway.

“Yes.”

* * *

Thank you for your patience as I wrapped up Two Wrongs. I know it took a while for an update!

As of now, I think the updates will be pretty frequent. J

Some notes:

Gray’s Papaya is a hot dog place in New York. I went there a few years ago and begged my husband to go there with me, but he wouldn’t! Every movie we’ve watched since then has featured it.

Napa is a city across from San Francisco and is, of course, Wine Country in the Bay Area.

“Pavane”, which Adina plays for Peeta, is a classical composition by Gabriel Faure.

“Again” is sung by Janet Jackson and was part of the Poetic Justice Soundtrack (1993). It was also in her self-named album “Janet” (1993).

Next:  1995-Peeta. Our couple goes on their first date.

Comments are always welcome through e-mail, Tumblr or AO3.

Thanks!

-JLaLa


	4. Chapter Four: 1995

I’m on a roll!

The characters of The Hunger Games do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie who keeps my fics looking pretty.

_At my most beautiful_  
 _I count your eyelashes secretly._  
 _With every one, whisper I love you._  
 _I let you sleep._  
 _I know your closed eye watching me,_  
 _listening._  
 _I thought I saw a smile…_

_-R.E.M. “At My Most Beautiful” (1999)_

Again

Chapter Four:  1995

**_Friday, August 18, 1995_ **

“You don’t want that computer.”

I turn and see Katniss standing next to me. My hand shoots up to my hair, trying to fix it up.

Of all the places to run into the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, it has to be in a Circuit City. Dad has disappeared in the VCR section, while I search for a new computer for school. Rye took the one we owned to his dorm at UCLA.

I smile nervously at her.  “Hey! How are you?”

“I’m good,” she replies easily. Katniss is in a long-sleeve, red-cropped sweater and baggy pants, a black belt holding it the pants against her hips. Because of the cropping, I can see a small section of her smooth, flat stomach. Her hair is down, falling in dark waves to the middle of her back. “How about you? Are you enjoying your school break?”

_Don’t stare too long. Be cool._

“I’m good. Just getting ready for that last year of high school,” I reply and then turn back to the computer I was looking at. “So why don’t I want this computer?”

She moves next to me, the scent of melon and cucumber filling my nose. I know this scent; my mother wore the same one. Usually, I’m filled with sadness when I smell ‘Tranquil Breezes’.  Smelling it on Katniss, however, fills me with longing and excitement at her nearness.

“You see this?” Katniss points to the specification list which is next to the price. “This computer doesn’t even have a Pentium chip.”

“Why does it need one?” I ask.

“Because the Pentium chip will give your computer more processing power, which in turn will make your computer faster,” she explains. “I think your best bet is something more like this,” she says, taking my hand and leading me to another computer. “An HP. Do you have any questions?”

I look at her in awe and grin. ”You sure know your way around a computer.”

“My dad works in Silicon Valley,” she replies. ”He’s around here somewhere with my little sister, Prim.”

“Where’s your Mom?” I ask and her face falls into a frown.

“She didn’t want to come, so it’s just us three today.”

“That’s too bad.” I feel horrible for making her upset. “Are you going to the orientation?”

“We have to go,” Katniss replies and I can feel my face burn.

I’m such a spazz. “Oh, yeah.”

“Do you want to sit with me?” she asks suddenly. “Everyone else will be there, too.”

“Yeah, definitely.”

Katniss smiles again and I lose myself in the deep grey color of her eyes. She doesn’t seem to mind since she is staring back.

“Who’s this?” I turn to find my Dad with an amused expression on his face. How long has he been standing there?

Katniss steps forward and holds out her hand. “I’m Katniss Everdeen, Mr. Mellark, a classmate of Peeta’s.”

“Katniss, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Tom Mellark, Peeta’s father.” They shake hands.

“It’s nice to meet you.” She looks around. “I’d better go look for my Dad and Prim.” Katniss gives me a smile. “I’ll see you on Monday. Meet us in front of the auditorium, okay?”

“Sure, I’ll see you then,” I say.

“It was nice meeting you, Katniss,” my Dad adds.

She gives us a wave before turning and walking around the corner. My eyes follow her disappearing figure.

“So that’s her, huh?”

“Who?”

“I’ve seen your portfolio,” Dad says. “She’s the first picture in it.”

“She has a nice face…it’s symmetrical.”

We walk out into the parking lot and Dad puts an arm around my shoulders.

“Symmetrical, huh? I hope you didn’t tell her that,” he remarks as we walk to our car, a Pathfinder. “Do we need to have a talk?”

“A talk about what?”

“On how to talk to girls…”

“Don’t worry, Dad,” I assure him. “I didn’t tell her that.”

He turns to me. “This was easier when your Mom was alive,” he tells me, the sadness in his eyes evident. “Sometimes I can’t believe that she’s been gone for four years.”

Mom’s cancer had spread quickly and she was gone before we could even process the fact that she was sick. She was always so full of life, so her death had been a surprise to all of us.

“You’re doing just fine,” I tell him.

“Thanks, kid,” he says and unlocks the car. “Let’s go to Mitchell’s for ice cream. You can tell me more about Katniss and her symmetrical face.”

++++++

“Please have your ID’s out if you plan to leave the school during lunch. If you do not have your ID with you, you will not be admitted in or be allowed out,” Principal Crane says from the podium of the stage.

“Can I see your schedule?” Katniss whispers into my ear. Her warm breath against my ear causes my body to react. This is the worst place for this. I take a deep breath as I hand her my schedule.

“We have the same English class,” she replies with a smile.

Her hair is in a braid today. She’s wearing a navy dress with a floral print along with a jean vest. Next to her is a sleeping Thresh, who is in a bright red denim jacket and pants, a baggy white shirt breaking the red block.

She turns and pushes him awake. He startles and then turns to look at her, not realizing where he is.

“Damn, Katniss, you scared the shit out of me,” he growls before taking his baseball cap from under his seat and covering his face. Crossing his arms, Thresh slumps back in his seat.

“You know you shouldn’t wake him like that,” Johanna says from behind us. She is sitting next to Gale as he toys with the criss-cross ties that keep the V of her black top together. “You know how jittery he is.”

“I know, but he was starting to snore!” Katniss argues back.

“What’s the big deal?” I ask curiously.

Gale leans forward and looks at Thresh, who is still hiding under his baseball cap.

“Thresh and I live near the Geneva Towers over in Visitacion Valley. There was a drive-by a few days ago and it was a block from his house,” he whispers.

“Oh, shit!”

“Yeah, so he’s trippin’right now. His sister was playing over at her friend’s house an hour before that happened.”

“Hey!” Finnick pulls away from Annie.  “People are trying to make out here.” They sit a seat away from me.

“This is an auditorium, not your sex lair,” Johanna says. “You’re all over her.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Hey!” Gale reaches over and grabs Finnick by the neck of the white shirt he wears. “Don’t talk to her like that.” They stare each other down for a moment.

“Both of you calm down,” I say. I put a hand on Gale’s shoulder and he loosens his grip. “Everyone chill, okay?”

Johanna sits back and crosses her arms. She looks over at Katniss with a smug smile. “We’ve found our peacemaker.”

I look over at Katniss. “What does she mean?”

“We are a group of volatile youths,” she says with a smile. ”Johanna can’t keep her mouth shut, Annie can’t hold her drink, Gale is…moody.” He glares at her. “Thresh is flashy and Finnick is—“

“Hot as hell,” he interrupts and winks.

“Cocky to the point of delusional,” Katniss finishes and sticks her tongue out at him. She licks her lips and then turns to me. “And you are the peacemaker.”

I flush at her statement. Not to mention that Katniss Everdeen is unbelievably sexy—especially when she licks her lips. The effect she has on me is overwhelming.

“I guess that’s good,” I say, my mouth dry.

“Why don’t we take off?” Johanna suggests as she looks between us. “I’ll go first. Peeta after, and then Katniss. Everyone else follow, okay?” Gale nods, as do Annie and Finnick. “Someone wake Thresh,” she looks at him, concerned. “Gently, please.”

Johanna stands and adjusts the black belt of her loose jeans. They hang off of her hips and despite Gale’s glare, Finnick and I appreciatively watch her walk away.

I stand next and then look over at Katniss.  “Meet us soon, okay?”

She grins. ”Are you afraid of Johanna?”

“A little.”

Katniss reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. “I’ll be there soon.”

I walk to the end of the aisle and walk out of the open auditorium door. No one notices, since they are too busy listening to the available club openings. I make a turn and head out the front entrance where Johanna waits, rolling a cigarette between her fingers. She looks up from where she sits on the stairs and gives me a friendly smile.

“Do you smoke?” she asks.

I shake my head as I sit on the opposite side. “I have to wait for Gale anyway,” she replies. “He took my lighter.”

“You know that smoking isn’t good for you, right?”

“I heard. You like Katniss.” It isn’t a question.

“What are you talking about?”

“You got a boner when she whispered in your ear,” she responds bluntly.

“How did you know?” I run a hand through my hair and look away.

“I didn’t. You just told me. So ask her out already,” Johanna urges.

“Yeah, right,” I respond. “She might not like me.”

“Whatever!” She connects her thumbs to make a ‘W’ with her hands. “Katniss has shown you more affection than I’ve seen since, well…ever.”

“Really?”

“Yes really, brainless,” she replies. “Katniss is the oldest teenager ever and I think that you can get her to loosen up. God knows she needs it.”

“You really care about her, don’t you?”

She nods seriously. “We’ve always taken care of one another.” Johanna places the cigarette behind her ear and leans forward. “I’m going to help you out.”

“How?”

We are interrupted by Katniss and the rest of the group joining us. She walks over to me. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I nod and then tug at her braid. “How did you all get out without being noticed?”

“They started distributing ID’s so we just ducked out,” she says easily.

“Don’t you want to leave school during lunch hour?”

“Thresh knows the guy who takes the ID photos. We’ll get ours later.”

Johanna whistles to get everyone’s attention.  “Losers, we’re going to watch a movie on Friday.”

“I’m down,” Thresh agrees.

“I’ll go,” Annie says. “My parents are going to some dinner in the Fairmont.” She looks over at Finnick.

“I’ll pick you up,” Finnick tells her eagerly.

Johanna rolls her eyes at him and then turns to Gale for his answer.

“Sure, why not?”

She looks over at Katniss. “You free?”

“Sure,” Katniss says. “Do you need a ride, Jo-Jo?”

“No, I’ll find my way there,” Johanna assures her and then looks over at me with raised eyebrows. “How about you?”

This is Johanna’s way of helping me. Despite my nervousness, her approval means a lot. She is Katniss’ best friend, after all.

“I’ll go.”

++++++

“Am I late?” Katniss says as she rushes over to me.

“Nope, you’re right on time,” I say and look at my watch. “Johanna told me that everyone should be here by seven. It’s seven now.”

“What are we watching, anyway?”

“I think she said _Dangerous Minds_ ,” I reply. When Johanna said that she was going to help me, I didn’t think it would mean that she was going make us stand nervously next to one another. “The next show starts in ten minutes.”

Katniss smacks her hand to her forehead. “That conniving bitch,” she mutters and looks at me. “Don’t you see?”

“What?”

“They’ve ditched us,” Katniss tells me. “I should’ve known…”

“Did she give you any hints?”

“Other than telling me to not dress like a hobo?” she shakes her head. “None.”

“You look nice, if that helps.” She’s wearing a long-sleeve black top and a pair of Dickies, her dark hair in the braid that I’ve come to adore. I put my hands in my pockets. This was Johanna’s plan all along and now it’s up to me to follow through. ”Did you want to watch the movie? With me?”

Katniss looks at me for a moment. ”Like a date?”

“I like you, Katniss,” I say before I can stop myself. “I’ve liked you from the moment I saw you in Miss Trinket’s class and the more I get to know you, the more I like you.”

She laughs and takes my hand. “Well, I’m glad we got that established before we started our date.”

“So we’re on a date?” I grin at her red cheeks.

“Yes, but you have to let me get the popcorn,” she says as we walk to the box office.

++++++

“What did you think of the movie?” Katniss asks as we sit in her Camry.

We decided to finish the remainder of the candy together. I hand her back the box of M&M’s so she can have the rest.

“It was okay,” I say. “Any movie that has Bob Dylan and Dylan Thomas references in it is always interesting.”

“Rage against the dying of the light,” she says from where she sits. “What do you think that means?”

“It’s about the fight, I guess.” I think for a moment. “Fighting against death, fighting against getting old.”

“It could be about fighting your own darkness,” she adds. “We all have our demons to fight against.”

“Yeah…”

“It’s a wonder how we got into AP English this year,” Katniss says as she turns on the radio. “Haymitch is a character.”

“Why do you call him Haymitch?”

“He doesn’t like anyone calling him ‘Mr. Abernathy,’” she tells me. “I had him for my sophomore year.”

“No one says anything?”

She shakes her head. “Not really.”

“Cool.” We are silent for a moment. “Thanks for watching the movie with me.”

“I had fun,” she says as she fiddles with her braid. Then she turns to me. “Peeta?”

“Yeah?”

“I like you.” I barely hear it, but it doesn’t stop the smile from growing on my face.

It doesn’t matter how it came out. I’ve been waiting from the moment I saw her to hear those words. I reach for her hand and lace my fingers through hers and kiss the top of her hand. Her mouth parts slightly at the gesture but she doesn’t pull away.

“I like this song,” she says suddenly and turns the volume up. “What a tragedy. She has a beautiful voice.”

_“Late at night, when all the world is sleeping_  
 _I stay up and think of you_  
 _And I wish on a star that somewhere you are_  
 _Thinking of me, too…”_

“I had of couple of friends in San Diego who listened to Selena,” I reply. “My brother’s ex-girlfriend was a big fan of hers; she was devastated when Selena was murdered.”

Katniss looks at her watch. “I should get going. My parents will flip out if I’m not home in 30 minutes.” She reaches over me to open her glove compartment and grabs a pen with her free hand. She turns my forearm and begins to write. “Here’s my phone number. Maybe next time we can have a date that we weren’t conned into?”

She looks up and grins at me. Without another thought, I kiss her quickly.

And it’s horrible.

I think I actually kissed her teeth.

“I should go.” I open the door and push myself out before I say something stupid. I rush to my car, which is a lot away from hers. “FUCK!”

I can’t believe I did that.

Resting my head against the window of my Dad’s car, I reach into my pocket for the keys.

“PEETA!” I turn to see Katniss rushing towards me.

She’s come back to wipe her number off my arm.

“Hey.” Katniss slows down in front of me, her face expressionless. “I’m really sor—“

“--Can I have our tickets?”

I fumble for the tickets in my pocket. Finally getting them out, I hold the tickets out to her.

Her hand covers mine to take them and a surge of electricity runs between us. I clasp her hand so I can pull her to me.

As our bodies slam into one another, she looks up expectantly. Our faces are only inches apart, so I close the gap between us and kiss her. Our lips seem to find their own way.  It’s like we’ve kissed one another a million times. Katniss pushes herself against me and I stop myself from falling over by resting my back against the car.

When she parts her mouth slightly, I gently stroke her tongue with my own. Katniss groans into my mouth and I hold her tighter.

Then my beeper goes off.

We pull our lips apart but I keep her close to me. Katniss rests her head against my chest. Taking the beeper out of its clip on my belt, I look at the number. It’s my Dad.

Our eyes meet and Katniss grins at me, her arms wrapped around my waist. “Now that was a kiss.”

 

* * *

 

Some notes:

Circuit City was an electronics retailer that was opened from 1949 and eventually closed in 2009. Their name was eventually bought by Systemax and now Circuit City is only available online.

Katniss mentions that her Dad works in Silicon Valley. He has also been working a lot for a good reason. Windows 95 was released on August 24, 1995.

‘Tranquil Breezes’ refers to a Victoria’s Secret scent that was popular in 1995. I used to use it, but it was eventually taken out of their fragrance line. I checked on eBay, and a used bottle of it is going for almost fifty dollars.

Mitchell’s is a popular ice cream parlor here in San Francisco known for their tropical flavors, especially Mango and Ube.

I mentioned this in Two Wrongs, but Visitacion Valley is a district in San Francisco. The Geneva Towers were two apartment complexes known for their high gang activity around its vicinity.

‘Dangerous Minds’ starring Michelle Pfeiffer was a movie based on the autobiography, ‘My Posse Don’t Do Homework’ by LouAnne Johnson, a former Marine turned teacher. The movie was released in the U.S. on August 11, 1995.

‘Rage against the dying of the light’ refers to the poem ‘Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night’ by Dylan Thomas.

“Dreaming of You” is a song by Selena Quintanilla-Perez, a Tejano-American singer who was murdered on March 31, 1995 by her former fan club president. She was working on her crossover album and this single was one of the songs released from it. It was also the name of the album.

Next:  The reunion continues and Gale finally shows up—all from Johanna’s POV.

Thanks for reading!

-JLaLa


	5. Chapter Five: 2012

A little perspective from Johanna.

The characters of The Hunger Games do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for making my words lovely and beautiful like her.

_Don't let the days go by_   
_Could have been easier on you_   
_I couldn't change though I wanted to_   
_Should have been easier by three_   
_Our old friend fear and you and me…_

_-Bush “Glycerine” (1995)_

Again

Chapter Five: 2012

“How long do you think they’ll be out there?” my goddaughter asks as we look down at the couple arguing outside in the driveway. We are a floor up in the bedroom that we were ‘assigned’ to by Annie.

What a neurotic freak Annie is.

After Peeta stopped making googly eyes at Katniss, reality had set in when he realized that she had kept his daughter away from him for sixteen years.

Needless to say, he was pissed.

“You just don’t keep a child away from their father, Katniss!” Peeta yells.  My best friend can’t respond because she knows it’s true. She stands helplessly as Peeta paces back and forth.

“You guys shouldn’t be eavesdropping on them.” I turn to see Thresh at the doorway. He walks over and squeezes in next to us.

“Will you shut up?” I tell him. “Adina has a right to hear.”

“I’m sorry. I was young and stupid and scared,” Katniss tells him. ”You were settling down in New York and having the time of your life when I found out I was pregnant. What was I going to do? Call you back? Make you marry me?”

“I would’ve come back,” Peeta argues. “You did this all the time, Katniss! You think you can just keep things to yourself and not think of how it affects other people?”

Katniss doesn’t reply and I grimace to myself. Angry Katniss is better than silent Katniss. Instead, we listen as Peeta continues to get angry.

“Why doesn’t Mom say anything?” Adina asks softly. “She would usually defend herself.”

“Maybe your Mama doesn’t want to fight back. I think deep down, she feels like she deserves to be punished,” Thresh says to her. We never hide anything from Adina; she is too smart and would figure it out anyway. “Come here, baby girl.” He pulls her into his arms. His eyes meet mine and he holds out his free arm. The other one is holding our goddaughter.

I walk over and let him hug me. If Thresh wasn’t taken, I would gladly take him as my own.

I would need a penis to appeal to him, though.

“SELFISH! You’re so selfish, Katniss!”

Adina pulls away quickly, her eyes burning angrily. “He is NOT talking to my Mom like that.” She marches out the door.

Thresh and I look at one another before rushing out to follow her.

“That little girl has too much fire,” Thresh remarks as we rush down the stairs.

“Just like her Mom,” I reply as we run through the open door.

Adina is walking quickly over to her parents. She stops in front of Peeta.

“Don’t talk to my Mom like that!” she yells. “Who do you think you are?”

“I’m your father!”

“You may have been there for the sex, but that doesn’t make you my Dad in any other sense of the word,” Adina responds vehemently. “If you had come back, everything you’ve done would have never happened! I was proud when Mom showed me your photos. I felt like I could see you through those pictures and I wasn’t sad that you were gone. I wasn’t upset because you were showing me your world through your camera.” Adina’s face sinks. “The man who is yelling at my mother is a stranger.”

“I don’t want to be,” Peeta says softly.

“I don’t want you to be, either,” Adina tells him. “Yelling at Mom isn’t going help your case, though.”

Katniss is looking down at the ground. She hasn’t said a word this whole time.

I walk over to her and put my hand on her shoulder. “Katniss.”

No response, her head is still down.

“Katniss, look at me.” I shake her. “Look at me!”

She finally snaps out of it and meets my eyes. Katniss looks lost, just like she did right after she had Adina. When we found out about her mother.

“Sweetie, let’s get you upstairs.” Thresh goes to her. He looks at me and nods. We know the drill. “Adina, it’s getting cold out here. You’d better get inside, too.”

“But—“

“Do as you’re told, Adina,” I tell her firmly and give her a look that she knows means business. “Say goodnight to your father.”

She turns to Peeta. “Good night, Peeta.” With that, she follows Thresh and Katniss back into the house.

I turn Peeta and give him a smile. “Hey, new boy.”

He smiles wryly at me. “That hurt.”

“The nickname? I thought you were used to it!” We walk over to the front porch and sit.

“Not that. She called me ‘Peeta,’” he says. “She’s right. I’m not her Dad. I’m a stranger.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” I tell him. “It wasn’t Katniss’, either. There were other circumstances that kept her from telling you. They may not have been smart reasons, but I had to respect them and bite my tongue.”

“They’ve really seen my pictures?”

“Katniss still has the ones you took for her in her bedroom,” I tell him. “Do you think she touches herself looking at them?”

“Johanna!” In spite of the shitty situation, he cracks a smile. His face is flaming red.

“Got you to loosen up, right?”

“You haven’t changed,” he says to me. “How are you a doctor?”

“I went to State with Katniss, majored in Biology and graduated,” I tell him. “Took the MCAT’s and got into UCSF Medical School. I did my residency there and as soon as I got my license, I signed up to be part of _Doctors Without Borders_ and have been gone ever since.”

“How old was Adina when you left?”

“Twelve and wearing braces,” I reply. “Missed her like crazy. Katniss, too.”

“I never saw her with braces,” he says sadly. “I never saw her first steps or heard her first words.”

“I don’t think Katniss would object to showing you pictures of Adina when she was a kid or telling you about her first steps or words. Try to get along with her. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but she is just as scared as you are right now.”

Peeta looks over at me. “When she found out about Adina…were you there?”

I shake my head. “No, she didn’t tell me until later. I think she was alone.”

He looks down for a moment and then reaches into his pocket. Peeta pulls out a box of cigarettes and holds it out to me.

“You want one?”

I shake my head. “I quit. You know, those are bad for you.”

“You don’t say,” he replies with a half-smile. Peeta takes one out but instead of lighting up, he rolls it between his fingers. “Why did you quit?”

“Katniss wouldn’t let me see Adina if I kept smoking,” I tell him. She wouldn’t even let me go outside and smoke because of secondhand smoke.  “So I quit. I went through many packs of gum. It also helped that I became addicted to coffee while I was doing my residency.”

“I should probably quit, too,” he says to himself. “For Adina.”

“You should. I demand it - doctor’s orders.”

He hands me the box. “Don’t get tempted,” he tells me. Peeta is so different from the boy that I knew.  However, the way he looks at Katniss hasn’t changed.

Obviously, he still thinks that the sun shines from her ass. I prefer him that way, though.

“I don’t get tempted, not like I use to,” I reply. “I’m going to put these in Finnick and Annie’s room. It’ll make for an interesting confrontation.”

“Some things never change,” he tells me. “You’re always trying to rock the boat.”

“For the best reasons,” I say, standing up. “I’d better check on Katniss. She always needs a good, stiff drink after something like this.”

“Do you think that it would be okay to talk to her tomorrow?”

“I think so, but make breakfast for her. She likes your scones,” I tell him. “Get some sleep, too. You look like shit.”

He laughs wryly. “Yes, Doctor.”

“Goodnight, Peeta.”

++++++

I reach the top of the stairs and find Thresh standing in front of Katniss’ door with his arms crossed. What a bodyguard.

“How is she?” I ask.

The door opens and Adina comes out. “I thought I heard you, Auntie Jo-Jo. Is Peeta okay?”

“I think he’s a little butt hurt by you,” I tell her. “He really wants to get to know you, honey.”

“I know and I want to know him,” she replies. “He’s my father, but Mom—“

“Your mother wants you to be happy, no matter what,” I tell her.

“I know.”

“Go to bed, baby girl,” Thresh says to her. “You look knackered.”

“Okay,” she agrees and hugs him. ”Good night, Uncle Thresh.”  Next, she hugs me. “Night, Auntie Jo-Jo.”

“Night, babe.” She goes to her room, which is next to Katniss’.

“How is our little woman?” I ask Thresh once Adina has closed her door.

“She’s out of it,” he tells me. “A lot of it is sixteen years’ worth of repressed guilt.”

“Katniss has felt guilt for a while,” I say defensively. “You just weren’t there to see it.”

“I’m sorry,” Thresh says. “I wasn’t there, but I did call her. All this time and I never heard her talk about any of this.”

“Yeah, you can’t push her buttons like I can.” I grin at him. “Go to bed, I’ll stay with Mama Everdeen. Call old what’s-his-face and tell him I said hi.”

“I will.” He kisses my cheek. “Night, sweets.”

I wait until he is in his room before opening the door. I find Katniss laying on the bed, curled up and still in her dress. She meets my eyes when I close the door.

“You really know how to get the party going, Katniss.”

She smiles, though I can see her eyes full of tears. “I thought you and Gale were the more dramatic couple.”

“All the awards to you and Peeta,” I tell her.

I go to her overnight bag and pull out her nightgown. We’re all stuck here for the weekend, so I might as well make sure that she’s comfortable.

“Get up,” I say. “Let’s get you changed into something a little more comfortable.” She automatically stands up and walks over to me.

“I can take care of myself,” she says stiffly.

“I’m sure you can, but let me help you for now.” I unzip her dress and she slips it off her shoulders. Having a baby has had no effect on Katniss’ body; she is still slim and smooth, though a little more filled out from when we were teenagers.

The one difference is the scar that can be seen through the thin mesh panties she wears.

Her C-section scar has faded; but on an otherwise unblemished body, it stands out.

“It looks hideous, doesn’t it?” she says to me.

“No, it’s healed nicely.” I help her slip the nightgown on.

Pulling back the blanket for her, I watch her crawl in. I lay on the opposite side and our eyes meet. She looks so sad.

“He looked good,” she finally says.

“He did. A little twitchy, but still our handsome GAP boy,” I reply. “He smokes now.”

“I’m not surprised, after everything that happened to him.” In the dark, her eyes shine. “I’ve missed him. After all these years, he still smells the same and when he touched my wrist, I still felt the tingles,” she grins to herself.

“The tingles?” I repeat skeptically. “You’ve got it bad, girl,” I giggle. “Even after all this time.”

“He hates me.”

“Peeta wouldn’t hate you if you threw him in a burlap sack and beat him with a wine bottle,” I say. “The way he talks about you…it’s like we’re still in high school.”

“But we’re not,” she whispers. “We have Adina.”

“And you wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world.”

“Exactly,” she responds. ”Will you stay? Until I fall asleep?”

“Of course.” I smooth down her hair. “Close your eyes.”

She nods, but doesn’t close her eyes. “I think I still love him, but I hate him, too.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m afraid that he’ll take her away from me,” she replies. “I know it’s silly, but maybe Adina will realize that I did her wrong, too.”

“You are paranoid,” I tell her. “That girl loves you like crazy. Did you see how she defended you? Peeta didn’t know what hit him. And as for Peeta, take your time with him. You’ll see that the boy you knew is very different from the man he’s become.”

“True.” She yawns and smiles softly. “It’s the eyes. He still looks at me the same way… like I’m the only person in the room.”

I don’t respond. Instead, I run my hands through her hair until she falls asleep.

Lovefools, the whole lot of them.

++++++

I sit outside on the front porch of the house. Annie and Finnick have just said goodbye to all of the guests. After making sure that Katniss and Peeta were fine, they crawled to their room to pass out. Thresh is probably talking to his man-friend, the one he was too chicken shit to bring with him.

Nights like this make me lonely; warm and there’s no breeze. It even smells like heat.

Nights like this make me think of sleeping in his arms and watching beads of sweat roll down his temple. Even when relaxed, Gale always seemed to sweat. He always held me when we slept, even when it was hot.

I was protected from anything and anyone when I was in his arms. I was loved.

Eventually, I learned that even love couldn’t stop Gale from seeing all of the bad in me.

Love is too complicated, too hard for someone like me who has to keep their emotions in a cage like I do. You can’t cry when you’re the only doctor in a small village and the baby you’ve just delivered is so malnourished that it will probably die.

I reach into my pocket and pull out the pack of cigarettes. So tempting.

In my head, I can hear Katniss nagging me. She nearly killed me when she made me quit, but she used my goddaughter against me. That tiny little baby caused me to care about myself when I didn’t want to anymore.

Taking one out, I roll it between my fingers. Just one, I really need it.

Katniss will kill me.

It’s not like she’s my mother or anything, though. My mother, on the other hand, wouldn’t give a shit. She never has. Truthfully speaking, Katniss has been more of a mother to me than anyone.

While I’m contemplating this, I don’t notice the figure heading in my direction. It isn’t until I hear the heavy footsteps on the wooden front porch that I realize I’m no longer alone.

I tuck the cigarette behind my ear. “Who’s there?” I call out.

The stranger approaches and my heart leaps into my throat.

It’s him. Gale has arrived.

Like a knight in shining armor, he is carrying his sleeping wife. The beautiful, blonde, and always sweet Madge Undersee.  He doesn’t recognize me at first. My hair is longer and in the same shade, unlike my teenage days.

As he gets closer, I can see the slight limp in his step. The limp that got him discharged from the Army.

His eyes suddenly close in on my face. “Johanna?”

“In the flesh. It’s good to see you, Soldier Hawthorne.” I go to the front door and open it. He follows in slowly so he doesn’t wake Madge.

I stand in the doorway and let him go into the entryway. He turns to me and I lean against the doorway. His grey eyes look me over while my own examine the man that was once my rock.

His hair is cut shorter and his face is sharper, but the eyes are still the kind grey that I remember. He is much more muscular, with a soldier’s body.  My, how he’s grown.

“You’ve missed a hell of a party,” I say. “Katniss and Peeta are already fighting, Finnick and Annie are passed out drunk, and Thresh is hiding in his room.”

“What reason would Katniss and Peeta have for fighting?”

“Their daughter,” I say simply.

“They have a daughter?”

 I nod. His confusion is still adorable. “Welcome to the madness, Hawthorne.”

Gale smiles at me. “You haven’t changed.”

“I couldn’t change even if I wanted to.”

His smile grows wider and I can see the boy I once knew emerge from it.

My heart skips a beat. _Fuck._

I’m definitely smoking this cigarette now.

* * *

 

Not much to say for this chapter, but it is my favorite. I love my Jo-Jo.

Hope you enjoyed it, too!

Reviews or feedback are always welcome.

Next: Johanna-1995, what is happening with her and Gale?


	6. Chapter Six: 1995

Some teenage Johanna for you.

The characters of the Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my lovely beta, for looking out.

_What it all comes down to_  
 _Is that everything's gonna be quite alright_  
 _'cause I've got one hand in my pocket_  
 _And the other one is flicking a cigarette…_

_-Alanis Morissette “Hand in My Pocket” (1995)_

**Trigger Warning: Mentions of Sexual Abuse**

Again

Chapter Six: 1995

**_Monday, September 18, 1995_ **

“You’ve been staying late.” I look up to see Haymitch, our AP English teacher, standing at the doorway. “Don’t you have a home to go to?”

“I have a home,” I reply as I toss my books in my bag. ”Do I want to go home?” I give him a smile and shake my head.

“You okay, Johanna?” He sits on top of his desk and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a flask. “You’ve been hanging out at school more than a normal teenage girl should. I know tutoring kids is a fun job for a little smartass like yourself, but your last kid left thirty minutes ago.”

I avoid his suspicious eyes and sit on the table of the desk in front of him. “What are you drinking?”

“Rum.”

“Can I have some?”

“No.” He walks behind his desk and reaches into one of his drawers. “Catch.” He tosses something in my direction.

I catch it quickly. “A Capri-Sun? I thought I was your favorite student!”

“You are. I wouldn’t bother giving anyone else one,” he says and then looks at me seriously. “Really though, are you okay?” Behind his slightly buzzed eyes, I see real concern. He shouldn’t bother, though.

“Of course. My grades are superb. I eat just fine and get a good amount of sleep. Why would anything be wrong?” I place the strap of my bag onto my shoulder. I don’t like questions like this. Does he really think that I’m going to just spill my life story to him?

“You just seem to linger here a bit too much.”

“There are a lot of loud people in my building,” I reply. “I get my homework done here. No big deal.”

“If you need to talk—“

“I will come to you, my dear Haymitch,” I say. “I’m going home, and so should you. I don’t want to have to tell the principal that his favorite teacher is drinking on the job.”

I grin and wink at him.

“You wouldn’t.”

“You’re probably right,” I say as I walk out the door. “Goodnight, Haymitch.”

++++++

I know how I look.

Men look at me and sometimes I don’t mind.  At least they’re looking. I’m seventeen and at the prime of my youth. My tits are still perky and my ass doesn’t droop. I can wear a mini-skirt or tight leather pants and look good. I might as well enjoy it, because I know it won’t last forever.

However, days like today make me unhappy with the attention.

Walking up the stairs to my apartment, I ignore the group of whistling Latinos who are passing me as they walk down the stairs. I’m exhausted after finishing the rough draft to an essay that is due for Haymitch’s class. I’m still not sure about my view because there’s not much new that you can state about ‘Pride and Prejudice’.

Taking my keys, I unlock the door and walk in.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“I had a good day, too, Mom. How are you?”

Once upon a time, my Mom had been a beauty queen. She came to California because she thought she was going to make it big. Instead, she ended up with a baby.

I can tell Mom just got off work because she’s still in her uniform. She’s a cocktail waitress at Trad’r Sam’s, which is in the Richmond. She walks over to me and I can tell she’s had a few too many. The more she has, the easier it will be for her to pass out, though.

“Don’t mess with me, Johanna. I’ve had a long day. Where have you been?”

“I was at school. I’m a tutor, remember?”

“Oh, yeah.” She sits down on the couch. “Say hi to Joe.”

I look over towards the kitchen and wave at the dark-haired man who stands in the doorway.

“Hey, Joe.” Mom’s loser boyfriend is staying over. _Great, just great._

“Did you eat?” my Mom asks, false concern in her voice.

She’s trying to act like she cares. I hate when she does this.

“I had a steak,” I reply as I walk down the hallway to my room.

“Johanna!” she calls out. “Get back here!”

I’ve already closed my door.

++++++

It’s after midnight when it happens.

The building has quieted down. The Chins, who live below us, have finally gotten their twin boys settled down and the group of guys who were fixing their low rider outside have finally driven off.

I get up when I hear the twisting of the doorknob, though I know my door is locked. This time I made sure to lock the door right away. The last time I didn’t, I paid for it.

Nights like this—I hate being me.

I lay my back against the door, putting my weight against it. Joe is too drunk to notice that he can’t get in.

 _THUMP._ The vibration of the door shakes me to the core.

He is trying to shove himself in. I push my heel to the floor so I can put more of my weight on the door.

_THUMP._

No one would believe me if I told them. Everyone in school thinks I’m a slut with the exception of my friends, though sometimes I think Finnick has his doubts about me. Maybe people would think that I wanted it.

They would think that I want Joe’s hands roaming all over me. Maybe they also think I deserve to have a pillow put over my face when he—

I don’t even realize that I’m crying until I see the drops hit the floor.

He should have smothered me, or killed me for that matter. Anything is better than this.

++++++

I decide to go to Thresh’s, since his parents will usually let me crash on the couch. I’m careful as I pull down the emergency ladder that’s at my window. As I step down, I look to see how far down I have to go and for a moment, I contemplate just letting go.

Then I think of Katniss, who would be devastated. She’s always taken care of me and knowing her, she would blame herself.

Instead, I step down until I am on the sidewalk. I walk out of the alley where our building is and make my way towards Mission Street.

I’m in loose jeans and a hooded sweater, so no one gives me a second glance as I wait for the 14 MUNI to come. I’ve been doing this for three months now. Thresh doesn’t ask questions, but I know he’s getting suspicious. When he does, I just mention that I know how he got our ID’s without any problems. That cute little Latin boy who gave them to us couldn’t stop making eyes at my friend, so fucking obvious.

On the 14, I curl up in the back of the bus. I let the tears fall now and cover the sobs with my hand. That asshole! He took the one thing that kept me feeling worthwhile. I know a lot of people think I’m a skank, but I had one thing that made that a lie and he took it from me.

“Johanna?”

I look up to see Gale in front of me. Of all people, why him?

Wiping my eyes, I give him a half-smile. “What are you doing up so late?”

“My mom works in Triage at General and she forgot her lunch. She’s working a double shift, so I brought it to her.” He sits next to me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m great,” I say. “I do this all the time.”

“Ride the bus or cry?”

“Both.”

“You’re one of the strongest women I know,” he says to me. “What could possibly make you cry?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

He nods and puts an arm around me. “Where you heading?”

“To Thresh’s. His parents will let me sleep on the couch.”

The bus brakes on Geneva Avenue. “This is my stop.” I get up before he can ask any more questions. Standing at the back door, I’m surprised to find him behind me. “What are you doing?”

“This is my stop, too,” he replies and gives me an amused smile. “I live near Thresh, remember? I’ll walk you over.”

I nod as I step off the bus.  Gale takes my hand, intertwining his fingers as he does and we walk down Geneva towards Bayshore. No one bothers us, and I’m not surprised. Gale is intimidating when he wants to be. When it begins to rain, I pull my hood up.

“Did you want my jacket?” he asks.

“No, I’m fine,” I reply as we turn onto a side street. “Don’t get sick on my account.”

He stops suddenly and turns to me. “Why don’t you stay at my place?”

I knew this was coming; kindness comes with a price sometimes. We’ve played this little game with one another for months now. We flirt, but nothing ever comes to fruition. He’s too shy and I’m too coy. He’s finally ready to get what he needs.

I have to admit that it hurts a little.

“Sure.” I follow him up the stairs of his home and he unlocks the metal gate. Every house on this block has one.

Inside the house, it looks completely different. It’s warm and cozy. Pictures of Gale and his siblings are on the mantle and along the walls. A handmade blanket sits is on the sofa and coloring books are scattered on the coffee table along with some Marvel comic books.

“Sorry about the mess,” Gale says sheepishly.

I look over at him and smile. ”No, I like it. It looks like a family lives here.” A yawn escapes my mouth. “Sorry.”

“No, no. We should get to bed—I mean, you should go to bed!” He looks down. “Sorry.”

I laugh in spite of the situation. “Where’s your room?”

Gale leads me down the long hallway and I see pictures of his family in various stages of growth. Gale looks so much like his Dad, it’s scary. No one really talks about him. I think Katniss mentioned that he died in some sort of accident while Gale’s mom was pregnant with his little sister.

His room is the one at the end of the hallway. When I walk in, I see a Nirvana poster on the wall above his desk. A large boombox stereo sits on top of his dresser.

“Tyra Banks?” I look at the picture of the pretty model that is taped above his bed. “I didn’t think she was your type.”

“I like brunettes,” he replies as he looks at me.

“I thought you’d be into blondes. You don’t get off to this poster, do you?” I ask. “It’s going to make sleeping in this bed very awkward.”

“Of course not!”

I look over at him. “You don’t have to lie.” I grasp the bottom of my sweatshirt and pull it over my head. “Guys have these posters on their walls for a reason.” I unbutton and shimmy out of my jeans. “So how are we going to do this?”

“Do what?” He watches as I sit on his bed. It’s freezing in his room and sitting in my underwear isn’t helping.

“Isn’t this why I’m here?” I ask, my voice quivering slightly. I lay back slowly, my elbows anchoring me so I can look at him. “Everyone else thinks I’m a slut anyway. Might as well, right?” I bite my lip to keep myself from sobbing. The horrible image of intruding hands flashes in my mind.

“Get up,” he orders. I stand up and walk over to him. Gale turns and opens his one of his dresser drawers. He pulls out a shirt and hands it to me. “It’s cold in here. You’ll freeze in that.” I slip the shirt on over my head and he hands me a pair of pajama pants. “I’ll put your wet clothes in the dryer.”

He walks out with my rain soaked clothes before I can respond.

I pull on the pajama pants and then sit back down on the bed, confused. Laying my head on his pillow, I look up at the Tyra poster. At least I know he isn’t into guys. I close my eyes tiredly.

When I open my eyes again, I see him throwing a blanket on the floor.

“What are you doing?”

“The floor is uncomfortable,” Gale says and smiles. “Your clothes should be dry by the morning.”

“Come here,” I say and throw the blanket off me. “It’s not fair that you have to stay on the floor.”

Gale hesitates before getting up. I scoot over and he lies next to me. His bed is a twin, so it’s a tight fit. He turns so he can look at me.

“How do you fit in this bed?” I ask him. Reaching forward, I push his chin length hair back. His grey eyes are square shaped and his lips are full. I can see a tiny scar on his chin.

“It’s a long bed,” he tells me quietly. We settle back into silence. “I didn’t bring you here for sex. I just wanted you to know that.”

“I’m not a skank like everyone thinks I am,” I say. “I want you to know that.”

“I never thought you were. You’re smart and funny. You care about your friends – even the hard to care for ones.”

“Like who?”

“Like me. Not a lot of people like me.” I lay my head on his chest. Gale is wearing a wifebeater and I can see the silver chain shining against his tanned skin.

“Fuck all the others,” I reply. Putting my index finger against the chain, I look up at him. “What’s this?”

“It was my Dad’s.” Gale pulls out the chain and I can see a crucifix attached to it. “My mom gave it to me when I turned sixteen. For protection.”

“That’s nice,” I say. “This is the only thing I ever got from my Dad.” I hold up my dark hair. “Maybe that’s why I’m always trying to change it.”

“I like it,” he replies in a whisper. We are quiet again as the rain beats down on the ceiling above us. “He wasn’t wearing it the day he died. My mom wanted some ice cream. She was six months pregnant with Posy at the time, so he went down to a convenience store down the street and got shot after he gave the two robbers his wallet. I always thought that if maybe he’d worn it, he would’ve been okay.”

“There are some things you just can’t be protected from.” I put a hand to his chest. “There’s no fault. It just happens.”

“What are you running from, Johanna?” he asks suddenly.

I hesitate before answering. “A stupid choice I made.” Gale reaches for my hand. “My Mom started dating Joe about a year ago.” I close my eyes. “He was okay at first, and my Mom was drinking less. I wanted her to be happy. She kept off my back.” I look up at him. “One evening, Joe came over and I let him. Mom was getting off work, but she ended up getting off later than I thought. I-I didn’t lock my door and I fell asleep …” I struggle to form the words. “I woke up and there was a pillow over my face—why did I leave my door unlocked?”

I don’t know who is shaking more, him or me.

“Everyone thinks I’m such a skank because of the way I act and the way I dress,” I continue through my tears. “And I had one thing that proved them wrong—and he took that away from me!”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” he asks through clenched teeth. I know he’s seething. “To me? To Katniss?”

“Because it was my fault. I never should have let him into the apartment without my Mom being there and I should’ve locked my door—“

“Stop.” I look up at him and he wipes the tear that has fallen from the corner of my eye. “You didn’t do anything wrong. What’s wrong is that you feel like you deserved that. You deserved to be loved and protected. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.”

“I left because I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel like me there. Tonight, I walked down the emergency ladder and I wondered what would happen if I just let go.”

“Then stay here—with me,” he tells me.

“Okay.” There’s no other answer but this. “What about your Mom?”

“She works nights and doesn’t get home until after we go to school,” he tells me.

“And your brothers and sister?”

“They won’t tell. I don’t question where Vick gets all the dirty magazines from or why Rory keeps a picture of Katniss’ sister under his pillow. Posy will enjoy another girl around,” he says. “Just stay, okay?”

No one has ever wanted me to stay. My own mother doesn’t care where I go or what I do. I have no idea where my father is.

All Gale wants to do is protect me and I want to let him.

“Okay.” I put my head back on his chest.

“Okay.” I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Gale?” I whisper into the dark.

“Hmm?” He is starting to fall asleep, his arm wraps around my back to pull me closer to him.

“Can I kiss you?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because you shouldn’t kiss me after you’ve told me that story or because you feel like you owe me. You should kiss me because you like me.”

I don’t respond and he doesn’t ask me to. Eventually, I fall asleep.

++++++

_“I'm standing in your line_  
 _I do hope you have the time_  
 _I do pick a number too_  
 _I do keep a date with you…”_

The sound of Kurt Cobain coming from the boombox pulls me out of sleep. I open my eyes and see Gale sitting at his desk, flipping through a pamphlet. My eyes catch the title.

“’Industrial Society and its Future’” I read aloud as I sit up and look at him. “A little heavy for morning reading, isn’t it?”

He puts the pamphlet down and gives me a smile. “Morning.”

“Morning,” I reply. “What was that?”

“My Dad always subscribed to the _New York Times_ and the pamphlet was inserted in it,” he tells me. “That Unabomber guy wrote it.”

“Just goes to show sometimes that intelligence can be used destructively,” I say and draw my knees to my chest. “What time is it?”

“Seven.” We hear a door open and shut. One of the kids is up.

“Did you bring any other clothes besides the ones you were wearing?” Gale asks.

I shake my head. “I was a little more focused on getting the hell out of there.”

“I’ll go grab some clothes from my Mom’s room,” he says and gets up. “Give me a few minutes.”

I look around the cluttered room from where I’m sitting. It looks like a typical boy room. Out of curiosity, I look inside the drawer of the bedside table.  There’s a box of unopened condoms… so I guess he _does_ want to have sex. I also find a blunt tucked into the corner of the drawer.

The door creaks and I turn to see a little girl about five or six standing in the doorway. She looks like a mini-Katniss, the same coloring and everything. Her hair is a tangled mass and she’s wearing a pair of ‘Little Mermaid’ pajamas. This must be Posy.

“Where’s Gale?” she asks in a tiny voice.

“I think he went to your Mom’s room.” I notice that she’s holding her finger up. “Are you okay?”

“I cut my finger,” she replies and walks in.

“Can I see?” Posy walks towards me and sits next to me on the bed. I see the tiny cut and grab a tissue from the box on Gale’s desk. “Hold this to your finger.”

She looks up at me. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Johanna.”

“Are you Gale’s girlfriend?” I shake my head and grin at her.

“I’m just his friend.”

“I’m Posy,” she replies. “Do you know how to braid hair? Can you braid my hair? Gale tries to, but sometimes it looks crooked,” she says quickly and without even taking a breath.

“What are you telling Johanna?” Gale asks from the doorway.

“I have a cut on my finger; Johanna gave me a tissue and told me to hold it to the cut!” She holds out her finger excitedly.

“Let’s go get a Band-Aid for that,” he tells her. Posy hops off the bed to go to him and Gale looks over at me. “Catch!” He tosses a bundle of clothes and I catch them as he takes her hand. “Say bye to Johanna.”

“Bye, Johanna! You’re going to visit again, right?” They both wait for my answer.

I smile at her and then at him. “I’ll come over again.”

++++++

“So I heard you’ve been staying at Gale’s?” Katniss lies next to me in the grass. It’s lunchtime, so we decided to duck out for the hour.

“You knew that,” I reply and take a puff of the cigarette balanced on my fingers. “I’m surprised you’ve noticed since you’ve been so busy with Peeta and all. So have you let him feel you up?”

“Jo-Jo!” I turned to her and I can see the blush spreading on her cheeks.

I push up on my elbow. “Are you not telling me something, Miss Everdeen?”

Katniss plays with her braid. “There was a little under the shirt touching.”

“You horny kids!” I laugh and soon she joins in. I’m glad to see her so fucking happy. “I can’t believe that you’re getting more action than I am.” I lay back on the grass after we have settled down. I take another long inhale from my smoke before turning to her again. “I have to tell you something.”

“What?”

“There’s a reason Gale and I haven’t…” I realize that I want to protect Katniss. She acts like the oldest teenager on Earth and knowing this won’t help her. I also realize that I don’t want her to look at me differently. She is the only person that I care about.

I sit up and she does the same. Katniss knows that I’m going to tell her something serious.

I take a drag and then look at her. “I was raped, Katniss.”

Katniss takes a moment, quickly looking down and then back up at me again.

“Shit…when? Who?” She looks confused for a moment. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“A year ago, by my Mom’s boyfriend. I’m only realizing now that it’s not my fault.” I don’t mention that it’s because of Gale that I’ve starting to come to this conclusion. “Please don’t hate me.”

Katniss looks over at me and she is a breath away from crying. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“Because I’ve never kept a secret from you,” I say to her. “I just never wanted you to see me differently.”

We hear movement behind us. Turning around, I see Gale and Peeta coming towards us.

Before I can react, Katniss jumps up and walks over to Gale. “Why didn’t you say anything?! You should’ve kicked his ass! You should have killed him!” She is pounding her fists against his chest. “You should’ve told me before she had to!”

Gale calmly grabs her wrists. We knew that she would be upset. Katniss has always been my protector and vice versa. She’s hurt because she wasn’t the first to know and because she feels helpless. Katniss never thinks before reacting sometimes.

He pulls her to him and she cries against his chest.

“I didn’t think that I should be the one to tell you,” he tells her quietly. “Johanna was the one who was hurt and it’s _her_ story to share with you.” Gale talks to her like a father calming an upset child. “Didn’t you think that I wanted to tell you? Do you know how many times I wanted to go over to her house and kill the bastard?”

I look over at Peeta and he looks as lost as I feel. I’m sure that once Katniss calms down enough to tell him, he will be part of the lynching mob outside my apartment. Several times over the last two weeks, I have convinced Gale to not come to my apartment door. Instead, he meets me at the bottom of the emergency ladder.

Two weeks have passed and my Mom hasn’t even noticed that I’m not in my room most nights.

“I don’t want to do anything about it,” I tell her. “I’m going to move out when I turn eighteen. I have enough saved and hopefully I’ll get that scholarship to State that I applied for. I’m going to be okay.”

“The best thing for her is to not be at home,” Gale adds. “I’ll protect her. I promise.”

“I’m not sure about what’s going on,” Peeta says and looks at me. “But we’re going to be here for you. All of us. If you need anything, please ask for it. We’ve all got your back.”

“Thank you.” Peeta, our peacemaker. Every day, my opinion of him becomes better. I’m growing to like him more and more, not just as Katniss’ boyfriend, but as my friend.

“The bell’s going to ring,” I say. “We should get back in. I have a Trig test.”

Katniss rips herself from Gale and hugs me quickly before taking Peeta’s hand and rushing over to the entrance. She can’t stand for me to see her cry because she feels like it should be the opposite.

Yes, I know her that well.

I should be crying; I should be angry, but I’m not. I’m numb.

It’s the only way I can function.

Gale walks over to me and takes my hand. “Are you okay?”

“I am for now.”

++++++

“There!” I make sure that Posy’s braid is okay. “Be careful if you’re going to sleep in it.” She nods as she clings to her Barbie. I smile at her. “Which Barbie is this?”

“Teacher Barbie,” she replies and then looks at me with seriousness in her big, grey eyes. “Can you be my big sister?” I look at her sweet face. Posy is looking for a female role model, but I can’t see myself being any sort of mentor for her.

“I can be your friend,” I finally tell her. “You can tell me things that you don’t want any of your brothers to know and I won’t tell them.”

“Pinkie swear?” She holds out her tiny pinkie.

“Pinkie swear.” I hook my pinkie with hers.

“What’s going on?” Gale asks and he walks over to her. He picks her up and she laughs loudly. “It’s bedtime. Say goodnight to Johanna.”

“Goodnight, Johanna!” Posy rushes out of the room and I can hear little footsteps running down the hall.

Gale closes the door behind her and turns to me.

“I’ve been staying for almost a month and she’s never asked me why I’m sleeping in your bed,” I tell him.

“I don’t think she cares. You’re a girl and you can braid hair.”

I scoot back so he can get into the bed. Without even thinking, Gale removes his shirt. We have reached the point of comfort where nudity, partial or whole, is not even an issue. I sleep in an old football jersey of his. Lying next to me, he switches off the lamp on the bedside table and then turns to face me.

“You okay?” he asks.

Katniss calmed down after class and despite being unhappy with it, she agreed to keep her mouth shut. She did warn me that if Joe tried anything again, she would call the cops and let the boys dispose of the body. Peeta, our ever faithful peacekeeper, gave me a hug.

“I’m cool.” Tonight is rainy like the first night I was here and I instinctively reach for him. Gale wraps an arm around me. “Why am I here? Why do you even like me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I see that the blonde ‘Betty’ in the bleachers—the cheerleader.” I try not to let jealousy creep into my voice.

“Oh, Madge? She’s nice and all, but I know what I want. I want you,” he replies quietly into the dim room. The rain beats against the roof and the house is quiet; the children have already gone to sleep.

I lay my head on his bare chest. “I will destroy you. Not now, but eventually I will.” I know myself well enough to know that I can’t help but ruin those around me. That is why I try my hardest to keep people a comfortable distance from me, not physically but emotionally.

“I’m old enough to know the consequences, Johanna,” Gale says. “And I like you. Hell, I think I might even love you—if you would just let me in.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I do. A few years ago, I thought I was in love with Katniss,” he tells me and laughs. “We had a lot in common, and our parents got along. Being together seemed like the natural thing to do—at least I thought so, though Katniss didn’t. What I felt then is nothing compared to this.”

What I feel for Gale is something akin to love, though I know I’m incapable of ever loving anyone in that way. I do feel safe with him and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way.

“Gale?”

“Yes?”

“Will you kiss me?”

Gale looks into my eyes and I can feel my heart begin to pound. It’s new and scary, but for the first time in a long time, I welcome the possibility of letting someone inside.

He understands what I can’t seem to say.

Instead of asking me, Gale lifts my chin and closes the space between our lips.

* * *

 

Some notes:

Trad’r Sam’s is a bar in the Richmond District which is known for their very large cocktails. It has been open since the 1970’s.

I don’t really mention it, but Johanna lives in the Mission District which is mostly occupied by the Latino community. There are some beautiful murals down there.

The 14 Mission Bus is a bus line that runs from Ferry Plaza in the Embarcadero to Daly City.

Geneva Avenue is a street in the Excelsior District that runs through Visitacion Valley and the Bayshore District.

The two posters in Gale’s room:

Tyra Banks was only a model then, but made her film debut in “Higher Learning” which came out in January of 1995. I imagine that Gale saw her watching that movie.

The other poster is of Nirvana, a rock band headed by lead singer Kurt Cobain, who committed suicide in April of 1994.

The song that Johanna wakes up to is “About A Girl”, sung by Nirvana.

On September 19, 1995, “Industrial Society and Its Future” or the “Unabomber Manifesto” was printed as a pamphlet by ‘The New York Times’ and the ‘The Washington Post’. Theodore ‘Ted’ Kaczynski (aka “The Unabomber”) stated that he would end his mail bombing campaign, which occurred from 1978 to 1995, if it was printed. There were three fatalities during his campaign.

Teacher Barbie was one of the popular toys of 1995.

‘Betty’ is slang for a good looking girl and was used in the movie, ‘Clueless’.

**_Onto a more serious topic:_ **

I do mention that Johanna is raped by her mom’s boyfriend. Yes, she doesn’t say anything.

I know a few people who were sexually abused and the number one question that I hear is ‘what did they do wrong?’ Of course, they didn’t do anything to deserve this abuse. No one should keep quiet if they were sexually abused. However, for whatever reason, some people choose to.

Johanna is working through it – for now. It will be interesting to see what happens as she works through her emotions.

If you're a victim of rape and need someone to talk to please contact the National Hotline for rape victims: 800-656-HOPE

I hope that I didn’t offend anyone.

NEXT: Thresh 2012

Thank you for reading!

-JLaLa


	7. Chapter Seven: 2012

Now for some Thresh.

The characters of The Hunger Games do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for fixing my gibberish. She is the best.

_Everything is everything_   
_What is meant to be, will be_   
_After winter, must come spring_   
_Change, it comes eventually…_

_-Lauryn Hill “Everything is Everything” (1998)_

**_Warning: Some offensive language._ **

Again

Chapter Seven: 2012

I open my eyes after a restless night. Turning my head, I find Johanna lying next to me.

“Holy shit, Johanna! For a moment, I thought we were in high school again,” I say to her. When we younger, Johanna used to come to my house and sleep over. Often, she would just stay on the couch. Sometimes when she had a nightmare, however, Johanna would sneak into my room. “What are you doing here?”

She stares up at the ceiling. “Gale finally arrived.”

“Don’t we enough drama already?” I ask as I check my phone for the time. It’s only nine and I went to sleep around four.

“He looked so damn good,” she says and then turns to me. There are dark circles under her eyes and I can smell cigarette smoke on her.

“Are you smoking again?” I ask.

“It was just one!”

“Liar.”

“Okay…two. You should have seen it. He walked up on the porch carrying his wife,” she tells me.  “Like a freakin’ knight in shining armor.” Behind the anger, I can hear her pain.

“Come here.” I pull her over and she lays her head on my chest. “What am I going to do with you, chica?”

“Continue to use me as your ‘beard’?” she replies and then gives me a saucy wink.

“Bitch.”

“In the best sense of the word,” Johanna says. “How is Teddy?”

“Sweet as usual.” I tighten my hold on her. “We got in a fight. He couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t tell everyone else.”

“Why can’t you?”

“No time ever seems like the right time,” I tell her. “Not to mention, I have my own family to deal with.”

“Oh yeah…are we still having dinner with them?”

“Yes, because right now my parents like you better than me.”

We hear the doorbell ring downstairs followed by the sounds of loud, girlish talking. The sound of running can be heard coming down the hallway and the door bursts open.

My sister, Rue, and Katniss’ sister, Prim, fling themselves onto the bed and begin to jump up and down.

“How old are you two?” I ask as the bed bounces. Johanna pulls away from me, amused at their antics.

“Thirty!” Rue says breathlessly.

“I’ll be thirty-one in a month!” Prim adds. Johanna reaches over and pinches Prim’s leg. “Ow!”

My sister bounces down to her knees and I pull her in for a hug. “I’ve missed you, little sister.”

“Missed you, too,” she says. “Mom can’t wait to see you.”

“And Dad?”

Her expression falters. “Dad is Dad.”

“It’s only nine in the morning and you already have a bunch of girls in your bed!” I look up to see Finnick at the doorway, grinning. “Get up, it’s time for breakfast.”

“Where’s my sister and my niece?” Prim asks.

Johanna and I look at one another.

“Honey, a lot of shit went down last night,” I begin. “Let’s go downstairs so we can talk.”

++++++

Downstairs, we find Peeta at the stove. He is flipping an omelet when we all walk in.

“Morning.” He gives us a tired grin. Turning the stove off, he places the omelet on a large plate along with some other ones.

“Peeta!” Prim runs over to him and gives him a hug. “How are you?”

“I’m good. A new father, but I’m—coping,” he tells her.

“He’s already gotten into his first fight with Adina,” I tell them.

“That first one always takes you by surprise,” Prim says to him. “The first time I had to punish her, I cried more than she did.”

“That’s because I wrote you a note saying ‘Auntie Prim, you’re not my friend anymore.’” Adina says as she walks in wearing a Sailor Moon t-shirt and pajama pants, her hair piled on top of her head in a messy ponytail. “I’m hungry.” She looks over at Peeta. “Morning…Peeta.”

“Morning,” he says to her and she gives him a tiny smile. “Did you want me to make you anything?”

“What’s that smell?” she asks.

“It’s probably the scones.” Peeta uncovers a basket of freshly baked goods.

“You make scones?” Adina asks and grabs one from the basket. She sits on a stool by the counter. He sits in the adjacent stool.

“Yeah, my Dad—your grandfather is a baker,” he tells her.

I go to the cupboard and grab plates for the rest of us. Johanna, Prim and Rue sit at the picnic-style dining table.  Johanna and I are quite familiar with the house since all of us used to come here often.  I place the plates on the table and then grab the plate of omelets for us.

Johanna grabs a handful of forks from the drawer next to the fridge and we all settle down to eat. Actually, we’re all listening to Adina and Peeta.

“So your Dad—I mean, my grandfather taught you how to do this?” Adina’s mouth is full as she speaks and I see Peeta smile as he watches her.

“Yup, I can teach you if you want,” he says to her and her eyes light up. My heart warms for Adina. This is what she has wanted her whole life. All those letters that I helped her write to Santa were for her Daddy to come see her. She wrote asking for this every year until she was ten and realized that he wasn’t going to come through that door.

“Cool. Mom and Auntie Prim can’t cook for crap,” she replies.

“Watch your mouth, young lady,” Prim says to her. “And by the way, that’s MY shirt.”

Adina looks down at it and then smiles. “Is it?”

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t shrink it on purpose to fit that tiny little teenage body of yours,” Prim says, pointing her fork at her niece.

“Do you want it back?” Adina asks teasingly.

“No,” Prim replies. “You have to convince your Mom to let me borrow that Dolce dress that’s hanging in her closet.”

“Deal.” Adina finishes off the last of her scone. “That was so good!” Peeta’s eyes light up at her compliment.

“Fancy girl, our Katniss,” Johanna remarks.

“I’m betting that Delly made her buy it,” I say. Peeta carefully listens to me. We’ve kept in touch and besides this one huge secret—we have both been open in our phone conversations.  “All those work parties, she has to look the part.”

“I’m going to bring some of these up to Mom,” Adina announces.

“Here,” Peeta goes to a cupboard and grabs a tray. “Use this.” Then he grabs a teapot from another cabinet and fills it with hot water from the kettle that sits on the stove. “She still likes fruit teas, right?” Adina nods as she watches him assemble a choice of teabags on the tray.

“You’re good,” she tells him with a grin. “Way to get on Mom’s good side.” She takes the tray and walks out of the room.

“Come, sit.” I pat the spot next to me on the bench. Peeta takes a scone and then joins me. “How are you? We didn’t get to talk since you and Katniss had your ‘discussion.’”

He looks ashamed and I pat his arm. Peeta and I have always had a good relationship. I encouraged his relationship with Katniss and though I wasn’t happy when she got pregnant, I couldn’t be angry at him. Katniss, in the end, had been the one to end it.

“Can you tell me about her?” he asks me. “Adina?”

“Okay, first off—I named her,” I say. “It was purely accidental.”

I can hear how it sounds. Dads are supposed to help with the baby naming. He gives me an encouraging smile.

“Go on.”

“Adina was overdue—by a week. Johanna and I went to the Everdeens to keep her company and we turned on some music…”

“You didn’t,” Peeta says. “After that song?”

“’Freak Like Me’ was a very popular song!” I argue.

“We were dancing to cheer her up,” Johanna continues. “I did a stupid dance and Thresh sang. Next thing we knew—her water broke.”

“Katniss thought it was a siren song.” I play with my food as I talk. It’s hard for me to tell Peeta about such a personal moment. A moment he should have been there for. “So she named her after the person who called her out of the womb.”

Peeta looks at me. “Why? Why didn’t she say anything to me? Why didn’t you?” The accusation in his voice cuts like a knife.

“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “As for me, I respected Katniss’ reasons. I didn’t agree with them, but at the time, she needed people by her side.”

“What happened to her?”

“You’ll have to wait,” I say firmly. “I know it’s not enough, but it is what it is. We all have secrets, Peeta. It’s just a matter of time before they come out.”

++++++

“Are you okay?” Johanna asks as we pull into my parents’ house.

I bought my folks a house close to our old home. It’s in Southern Hill, which is on the border of San Francisco and Brisbane. Rue is already there since she spends most weekends with my parents.

“No,” I reply as I park. “I haven’t been home since he stopped talking to me.”

“I was there.” Johanna kisses my cheek. “For all it’s worth, you look very handsome.”

“How is that going to help?”

“We can go cruising for guys after,” she replies. “I’ll even take the loser guy out of the two.”

“You’re the best fake girlfriend ever. Even though I’m in a relationship, the gesture is really sweet.” I press my lips to the top of her hand.

We get out of the car. Together, we walk to the front door and I ring the doorbell. My parents know that I’m gay, but it’s always best to bring Johanna to soften the blow. At least then we can pretend that I’m straight as a family.

The door opens and Rue stands on the other side. She rushes over to give me a hug.

“You’re here!” she says gratefully. “I thought you might have chickened out.”

“Of course not. You know how much I love coming here.” The sarcasm is purely because I hang out with Johanna too much.

The house is decorated elegantly on the inside. Over the fireplace in the living room is a painting size family photo. It was taken when I was sixteen and had a flattop. Rue had braces.

She leads us into the dining room where my Mom and Dad sit waiting for us.

I go to my Mom and kneel before her. She had a stroke two years ago and is still trying to get her strength back.

“Hi, Mom,” I say and kiss her cheek.

“Hey baby,” she greets in a strong, steady voice. Her speech is slightly slower but her mind is still strong.  “You need to visit more.” Her hand shakes as she reaches to touch my cheek. “I’ve missed you.”

“I know, Mama.” Standing up, I walk over to my Dad. “Hi, Dad.” I hold out my hand.

He shakes it dismissively. “Hello, Thresh.” He looks at his watch. “I’d better check on dinner.” Turning, he quickly walks out.

I meet my sister’s eyes. She shrugs.

It’s going to be a long night.

++++++

“That was delicious,” Johanna tells my Dad and gives him a smile.

Dinner was good. I’ve missed my Dad’s cooking. My Mom was never much of a cook, but Dad spent a lot of his weekends trying new recipes. Turkey pot roast was our main dish today and it smelled great. But because I felt so tense, it was all mush to me.

“Thanks, Johanna,” he says and Rue gets up to clear the table. Dad sits back, his hands resting on his slight belly. “How’s work?”

“Busy.” Johanna wipes her mouth. “Very rewarding.”

“Ever thought of opening your own practice?”

“Maybe if I ever get married,” she says to herself. “So probably never.”

“You’re so pretty,” Mom says. “You’ll find a nice man in no time.”

“You’ll just have to stop spending so much time with Thresh.” Dad guffaws. “He makes you look unattached.”

“Whoever wants me needs to get along with him.” Johanna looks over at me. She looks concerned. I haven’t said a word for a majority of the meal. “Did Thresh tell you that he is doing the marketing for the new exhibit in the Vancouver Aquarium?”

Mom turns to me. “That’s great, baby!”

“It’s good that the degree that you have works for something,” Dad tells me.

There it is, the burn. “My job paid for this house.” It comes out without a thought.

“I didn’t ask you to buy us a house.” He crosses his arms and glares. “We were okay where we lived. You were the one who decided that it wasn’t good enough.”

“It wasn’t safe!” I put my napkin down. “I didn’t want my little sister to be afraid to walk down the street. I didn’t want Mom to get mugged like she did when we were kids.”

“We handled it, Thresh.” He looks over at me. “You’re too good to live in the ghetto? To bring your _friend_ here?”

“Why do you always go out of your way to make every gesture from me seem bad?” I push my chair back. “I have done everything! Everything so that you would be happy with me! And nothing!”

“Thresh, please—“ Johanna tries to calm me down.

I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of hoping that he’ll ever accept me, that he’ll love me like he used to. The horrible, sad thing that I’ve come to realize is that he might never love me like that. That somehow he wishes I wasn’t his son.

“No, I’m tired of being ashamed.” I stand up. “I wish I could be what you want. At the same time, I don’t care. I don’t want to sacrifice myself to make you happy. I am happy. I’m successful and I’m in love. But  none of that matters to you.”

Dad stares me down while Mom looks torn between who to comfort. Rue stands at the doorway, her eyes shining with sadness.

“It doesn’t matter to you because all you see is your _faggot_ of a son! Right?” I take a deep breath. “You would rather that I’m some drug dealer or gang member on the fucking street than be some queer.”

“Don’t call yourself that!” Rue rushes over to me. She puts her hands on my shoulders. “I want you here. Mom does. Isn’t that enough?”

I hug her. “You have to understand how hard it is to grow up and not feel normal. How hard it is to not know your role as a man or your role as a gay man. How hard it is to feel like your love for someone is wrong. I didn’t want you to see me that way.”

“So what now?” Mom asks as she cries. Tears track down her dark cheeks.

I go over to her and kneel before her. “I stay for the wedding and then I go back to my home—with Teddy.”

“My boy, you belong here.”

“No, I don’t.” I look over at Dad. His eyes are hard, unmoved by my hurt. “Not anymore.”

++++++

“That went well,” Johanna says as we drive back to Napa. We’re currently driving down a dark road in Sonoma.

I can’t talk. There is so much rage. There is so much pain.

“He wouldn’t even say goodbye. I’m so tired, Jo. Tired of hiding from our friends—and from him.”

“Then stop.” Johanna says. “Also, pull over.”

I signal and pull over to the side of the road. Johanna immediately pulls me to her. I lay my head against her chest. It’s wonderful to feel like there are those who you can be weak around and they still love you. For me, that’s Johanna. I feel my eyes water, and she notices immediately.

“We’ve been through harder times,” she says to me. “Katniss’ pregnancy, leaving our homes, leaving San Francisco…we always get through it.”

“And I thought that Katniss and Peeta were going to be the problematic ones.” I kiss her. “I love you, Jo.”

“Stop being so nice to me, I’m lonely and vulnerable for affection,” she says. “And I left my vibrator at Katniss’ house.”

“Ask Annie if you can borrow hers,” I joke.

“That thing is probably pink and glittery,” she says with a scrunched nose.

“I imagine it’s some sort of metallic. It’s probably sprayed with gold flakes.”

“Are we discussing vibrators on the side of the road?” Johanna asks suddenly and then turns to me with a wide grin.

“Yeah.” I grin back.

Our laughter rings out into the car. Starting the engine, I pull back onto the road in a much lighter mood.

++++++

“Hello?”

His voice is calming and I feel my insides grow warm just hearing him. “Hey, babe.”

“How was dinner?” Teddy asks me, concern in his voice. Even though we had an argument the night before, he’s worried about me. It’s why we argued. He was worried that the dinner would go completely bad.

He was right.

“He let me in the house, right?” I say, trying to keep my tone light.

“Thresh, we knew that this was a possibility,” he tells me. “Your father is stubborn, right? Like a certain person that I know.”

I smile to myself. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.”

“Will you come to the wedding?” I ask suddenly.

“I thought we had this discussion,” Teddy says. “There was too much drama going on for you to announce that you’re gay.”

“It doesn’t matter. There will always be drama. I love you and it’s nothing to hide.” I take a deep breath. “I want everyone to meet you. I want my friends to meet the most important man in my life—my husband.”

* * *

 

Family drama, it’s never fun. We don’t see a lot of Katniss in this chapter, but she’ll be back eventually. I wanted this to be all about Thresh.

Note:  Same sex marriage was made legal in Canada on July 20, 2005.

Sailor Moon is Japanese anime that was playing in the US at the time. I was a tad obsessed with it.

The ‘siren’ song that Thresh refers to is ‘Freak Like Me’ sung by Adina Howard.

Southern Hill is a San Francisco neighborhood in the hills above Visitacion Valley and Bayshore.

Happy Thanksgiving…and Black Friday everyone!

Next: Thresh ’95 and the O.J. Trial            


	8. Chapter Eight: 1995

Dear readers, it’s time for ’95 Thresh.

The characters of the Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you once again to my darling beta, Chelzie!

_I wish I could take the pain away_   
_If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day_   
_Everything will be alright if ya hold on_   
_It's a struggle every day, gotta roll on…_

_-Tupac “Dear Mama” (1995)_

Again

Chapter Eight: 1995

**_Sunday, October 8, 1995_ **

_“La da da dee da da da da...”_

“Be my lover, wanna be my lover…”

I sing to along to the store’s music as I put back a stack of CD’s. My job at The Wherehouse pays next to nothing, but I get free music so I ain’t complaining.

“Are you singing along to La Bouche?” I turn to find Jay, one of my co-workers and classmates, grinning at me. His bright smile makes his tanned skin glow and my own face warms up as I realize that he’s been watching me.

“Yeah,” I reply as I put another CD back in its place. “I like _The Real McCoy_ better though.”

“Thresh!” I turn to see Johanna and Katniss at the entrance. Johanna is jumping up and down in excitement. Girlfriend really needs to wear a bra. Her midriff top is white and though it’s warm today, you can definitely see some nipple.

Katniss stands next to her, her face red. Poor girl has probably caught quite a view of Johanna’s breasts. Her hair is down, which is definitely different, but the striped top and baggy jeans I’ve seen before. Katniss is not a fashion plate like Annie, and doesn’t look like she belongs in an Aerosmith video like Johanna, but she has a quiet beauty that stands out.

“Take your break,” Jay says in my ear. I jump feeling his warm breath against my skin.

“You sure, dude?”

He nods. “Johanna is going to keep jumping up and down if you don’t. She’s distracting people from buying anything.” Two boys who are in the music singles area are staring at Johanna, one actually has his mouth hanging open.

I meet their eyes and glare. They go back to their shopping.

Looking over at Johanna and Katniss, I signal for them to go outside. I follow and see them sitting off to the side of the store.

“Hey ladies, what’s up?”

Johanna jumps up and lifts one side of Katniss’ hair. “Look at what our little Katniss has!”

I move closer to Katniss and notice the purple skin on her neck. A hickey. That explains why her hair is down.

“I’m going to kill Peeta,” I tell her.

“No!” Her face turns scarlet. “At least I can hide mine.” She yanks her hair from Johanna’s grip.

“Katniss, you’re being careful, aren’t you?” I ask her.

“I am,” she tells me. “We haven’t done—you know—anyway.”

“Good,” I reply and grin at her. “Because if you can’t even say it, you shouldn’t be doing it.” I turn to Johanna. “And you, young lady? Are you being careful?”

“Of course! Gale and I aren’t having sex,” she says to me, her eyes serious. “We just sleep in the same bed.”

I nod. Johanna has finally admitted the details about her assault to everyone. We’re all angry, but she doesn’t want to deal with it yet. As much as I want to beat that fucker down, I can tell that Johanna is still trying to admit to herself that she didn’t cause it. I hope I’m making the right decision in keeping quiet.

“Get her some concealer, for goodness sake!” I take out my wallet and hand Johanna a twenty. “Her parents will kill her if they see this.”

Johanna takes the money and heads over to the small beauty store that is a few doors down. The strip mall that I’m working at is in Colma so I don’t have to worry about her getting into any trouble.

I notice Katniss is playing with her hair. She does this when she’s deep in thought.

“You okay there, shorty?” I pat the top of her head to get her attention.

“Thresh, have you ever loved someone?” Katniss asks suddenly.

I think before answering. “No, not like that anyway.” She nods. “Why? Do you love Peeta?”

Katniss takes a shallow breath before answering. ”I do.” She grins at me. “I didn’t really expect to like him this much—to even love him, but I do. It scares the hell out of me.”

“Take it slow.” I put an arm around her. “Though it doesn’t look like you are.”

“It just gets really out of hand sometimes,” Katniss replies, the tips of her ears are turning red.

“Just be careful then, okay? Use protection.”

“I have birth control pills.”

“That was like being shot in the heart. I’ve known you since we were ten and now you’re contemplating having sex. This is too much for a fifteen minute break.”

Katniss laughs. “I’m _contemplating_ , not doing. Not yet, anyway. How about you? I see the way Jay is looking at you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He likes you.”

“Then lucky him. I’ve got enough going on.”

“Come on, Thresh! We’re living in a new world, a post-O.J. verdict world.”

“Just because O.J. got a ‘not-guilty’ verdict, it doesn’t change how the world works,” I say to her and sigh. “Just be careful, okay? This is your first trek into the world of love. You have to keep your heart protected.”

“I think that you should listen to your own advice,” she says to me. “Because the way you look at Jay—it’s written all over your face.”

I’m taken aback. “What?”

Katniss just smiles. “I’d better go. Johanna will need to match me to cover this baby up.” She kisses me on the cheek. “Have a good rest of your shift!”

She leaves me to contemplate her words for the rest of my break.

++++++

Unlocking my front door, I walk in to find Mom and Dad sitting on the couch. They’re both watching the news and I heard the faint voice of the court clerk saying ‘not guilty’. The verdict has been playing non-stop on every channel. Actually, it’s reactions to the verdict that have been playing on television.

Last week, I came home to find most of our block celebrating.

I’m not sure what I think.

My mom turns off the television. “Hey, baby.”

I sit in-between them and kiss Mom on the cheek. “What are you two watching?”

“Same old media circus,” Dad tells me. “Are we watching the game later?”

“Of course!” Monday Night Football is a ritual for me and Dad.

“Let him do his homework first, Carl,” Mom tells him. “I’m going to start dinner. Thresh, check on your sister. She’s been too quiet in her room.”

I get up, my bag hanging over my shoulder. Walking down the hallway, I knock on Rue’s door before peeking inside. She is lying on her bed, headphones on and her Walkman on her stomach with her eyes closed.

“Baby, Baby, Baby, don’t you know that you’re so fine…” she sings to herself, her knees up as her feet thump on her mattress.

I look around her room. A new poster of Immature hangs above her bed and above her desk, a poster of Devon Sawa. An Alvin and the Chipmunks poster used to be there.

Walking over to her, I tickle her knee and she quickly opens her eyes. She looks up at me, smiles and takes her headphones off.

“Hey, big bro,” she greets me.

“New posters?” I point to the new additions as I sit on her bed.

“I’ve had them up for a while,” Rue replies. “You just didn’t notice.”

“Do your homework?”

“Not yet, but I will soon.”

“Don’t spend too much time listening to music, okay?” I tell her. “Or I’m not getting you that new Mariah Carey CD.”

“You know you’d still get it for me.” She’s right. I spoil her rotten.

“Do your homework,” I say. “I’m taking a nap, but wake me up if you need help.”

She nods and I kiss her forehead. I look at the glittery words, ‘As If’, on her shirt. She’s thirteen and wearing these trendy little tops. Where has the time gone?

Leaving her room, I walk next door to my room. In the corner, my turntable is set up and it takes up most of the space. I have a gig next Saturday for a cotillion in the Sunset District. On the opposite side are my bed and my desk. 

Tiredly, I toss my bag on my chair and then lay back on my bed. I put my hands behind my head and look up at the ceiling. My counselor meeting is burning in my mind. I’m going to State and the rate for class units are crazy expensive. Dad works for MUNI as a repairman and Mom is a nurse aide. We barely make enough to afford the house.

I have two jobs and they’re giving me enough money to take care of myself. I’m nowhere near my goal of paying for books or even a semester.

As I add up the cost in my head, my eyes droop and before I know it, I’m asleep.

“Son, wake up.” I look up to see my Dad looking down at me.

“Oh, crap.” I look at the clock on my side table. It’s eleven. “I missed the game.”

“It’s all good,” Dad replies. “Niners won. Mom wanted to make sure that you ate dinner since you slept right through it.” He looks at me worriedly. “You’ve been working a lot. No kid should be working two jobs.”

“I like my work and I’m doing fine at school.” I sit up. “I have to learn to take care of myself. Become a man. Isn’t that what you want?”

“Of course, Thresh.” He sighs to himself. “Becoming a man is not about making money or how smart you are. It’s about something else. It’s a change that happens inside of you.”

“How will I know when I’ve grown up? When I’ve become a man?” I lay back against my pillow.

“You will just know,” Dad says as he looks into my eyes. “You’ll know the moment, the hour, the minute, the second that you’ve become a man.”

++++++

“Last week, we had a very significant event happen.” Mr. Heavensbee, our history teacher, walks around the room. “Anyone want to tell me what it is?”

“The O.J. verdict,” Johanna answers.

“Correct,” he says as he pulls the television cart forward. “Let’s take a look at it. I want you to think about something. Why was this trial such a big deal? Trials happen every day. What makes this one special?”

He turns on the television then presses play on the VCR. We listen to the court clerk read out the ‘not-guilty’ verdict. We can hear Kim, Ron Goldman’s sister, sobbing and see Johnnie Cochran patting O.J.’s shoulder, followed by O.J. mouthing ‘thank you’ to the jury.

I sit at my desk staring at the screen. This is the millionth time I’ve heard this. I know that everyone is waiting for me to say something. I look over at my friends. Katniss and Peeta are sitting in the back, their hands entwined. Annie is doodling in her notebook. Finnick is engrossed by what he is seeing. Gale is half-asleep.

Johanna meets my eyes and gives me a smile. She can sense my indifference.

“Any remarks?” Mr. Heavensbee asks. He sits on his desk. “Why was this such a big deal?”

“Because it was in L.A.?” Finnick offers. “Where everything is supposed to be perfect?”

“Location.” Mr. Heavensbee writes Finnick’s answer on the board. “Anyone else?”

“O.J. is a big football star and now he’s in movies.” I turn to see Jay, who sits in the corner. He meets my eyes. “Goes back to the old Hollywood days when scandals ran rampant.”

“Status.” Heavensbee writes it on the board.

“He’s rich,” Annie says as she looks up from notebook.

“Money.” It’s written on the board. “Anything else?”

“He’s a Black guy who got away with it.”

Everyone turns to look over at Alex. He is our number one player on the basketball team. He meets my eyes briefly.

“Must make you happy, Thresh,” he says snidely.

“Why should it matter to me?” I reply. “I didn’t know the guy.”

“Well, it just means that if one of you can get away with murder then so can the rest of you.”

Before I know it, I’m out of my seat and grabbing his collar. The angry buzzing in my ear is growing louder. I can feel Gale’s arm across my collarbone, holding me back. Johanna is talking to me, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. Katniss is trying to get my fingers unclasped from Alex’s collar.

“Let it go.” A voice says and the buzzing in my ears begins to fade. I turn to see Jay right next to me, his hazel eyes following me. “He’s not worth it.”

“Class!” Mr. Heavensbee is pushing passed everyone. “Everyone, sit down. Mr. Ashton, I want to see you after class.” The bell rings. “Everyone GET OUT!”

Soon it is only me, Alex and the rest of the crew.

“Are you alright?” Mr. Heavensbee asks, red with anger. He looks over at Alex and then at me. “Okay, you can go. I’m sorry, Thresh.”

I nod and Gale leads me out of the room.

In the hallway, I lean back against the lockers. Everyone is silent.

“I have to go.” Opening my eyes, I see Jay staring at me. “Are you okay?”

I nod. He hands me a wrapped box. “Happy Birthday.” I watch him walk down the hallway and turn the corner.

Happy Birthday, indeed.

++++++

“What’s wrong, baby?” Mom takes my plate from me. She kisses the top of my head. “You seem a little out of it tonight. You’re eighteen; you should be rejoicing.”

“I’m okay, Mama,” I reply and give her a smile. “Just a long day at school.”

“Give the boy a break, Ann-Marie,” Dad tells her from where he sits at the head of the table. “This is delicious, by the way.”

She made my favorite – fried chicken and greens. I’m just not feeling it tonight. The events during my History class are weighing down in my mind. I never really felt that the trial affected me in any way. I realize now that it does. The look on Alex’s face said it all. I wasn’t me anymore. I was one of _them_. To him, I was one of those who got away with it.

I never really thought that the color of my skin made me any better or worse. Now, I’m not sure about anything.

“I know what will make him feel better!” Rue says excitedly and rushes to the kitchen.  She walks back in carrying a large chocolate cake, with ‘Happy Birthday Thresh’ written in sloppy cursive using green frosting. “Mama and I made it! I even used your favorite color for the writing.”

Standing up, I kiss her on the forehead. “It looks great.”

The doorbell rings.

“I’ll get it,” Dad says as he rises from the chair.

We all wait. When he returns, I see my friends following behind him. Johanna and Gale come in first. Followed by Katniss and then Annie, who is holding a large box. Finnick and Peeta are the last to enter.

“Surprise!” Johanna says and rushes over to me. She kisses my cheek.

Katniss and Annie follow, both giving me kisses. Annie hands me the box and winks.

“Happy Birthday, bro,” Gale says and hold his hand out. I slap it quickly and we give one another props.

Peeta takes a picture quickly with the camera that is against his chest. He shakes my hand.

“Open your present,” Finnick says excitedly.

I place the wrapped box on the table and tear the wrapping quickly. Opening the box, I gasp, the familiar red and gold logo staring up at me.

“A Niners Starter jacket? I can’t believe it!” I pull it out of the box. “This is crazy!” I hold it up so Peeta can take a photo. “Thanks, guys.”

“You deserve it,” Finnick says. “You work hard—and plus I get free CD’s from you.” Annie whacks him in the stomach.

“Let’s sing now so we can cut the cake,” Mom suggests. She is grinning from ear to ear.

“Did you do the writing, Rue?” Peeta asks. “You did a great job.” My sister blushes at his statement. Katniss meets my eyes and I nod. My approval of him means a lot to her.

Dad lights the single candle on the cake and they all begin to sing. He slaps me on the shoulder as he sings in a booming voice.

The events of the day are forgotten as I blow out my candle and make my wish.

I wish to be a great man—like my Dad.

++++++

_“It's goin' down tonight_   
_Tonight it goes down_   
_It's goin' down tonight_   
_Tonight it goes down…”_

I push the dust mop as I sing along to the chorus. Over at the register, I see Jay counting the till for the day. He meets my eyes and smiles. I smile back, trying to stop my face from getting warm. Katniss’ words ring out in my mind.

_Does he like me?_

Then I remember my words to her—about keeping her heart protected. It’s the best thing for me to do the same, no matter how much I like his smile or the way he looks at me.

“I never said thank you,” I tell him as I move the dust mop past the counter.

“For what?” he looks up from where he’s counting cash.

“For the gift certificate to Tower,” I say. “I can get some great records. I really need to expand my collection for my DJ gigs.”

“No problem,” he tells me easily. “You about ready?”

“Yeah.” I put the dust mop against the counter.

Together, we turn off the lights in our section of the store. We say goodnight to the guys in the video rental section before leaving out the back.

“It’s cold out,” Jay says, his breath coming out in smoky puffs. “You’d better zip up.”

“Oh, yeah.” I zip up my Starter jacket. “Thanks.”

“Hey, Thresh?” He puts his hands in his pocket.

“Yeah?”

Before I can say anything else, Jay cups my cheek and his lips are on mine. The air around us is suddenly warm and the temperature rises by the second. All I can focus is on is how soft his lips are and how he tastes sweet like a pixie-stick.

I don’t realize how close we are until I realize the beating against my chest is not my own heart, but his.

“Do I even have the slimmest chance with you?” he asks as his forehead touches mine. His eyes are closed in fear of my answer.

I sigh shakily before answering. “I don’t know.”

++++++

Stepping off the MUNI, I begin to walk down the block towards my street. Our house is about a block down from the Cow Palace. I’m exhausted, so I walk a little quicker than usual. A car passes by and I can hear Ice Cube coming out of its stereo.

Passing a gas station, I hear someone whistle in my direction. I look quickly and see three guys about my age approaching me. My heart starts racing. I recognize one of them, as he lives on my block. These aren’t good guys, though.

“Slow down, holmes,” he tells me. The other two walk behind him. I try to memorize their features in my mind. The guy in front of me is wearing a red beanie and is the same chocolate shade as me. He’s wearing a grill. The two guys behind him are both broad and bald. One is wearing a chain. “Where you heading?”

“Home.” I try to pass him but he blocks me.

“That’s a nice jacket there,” he remarks. “Can I see it?”

“Naw, man, I gotta go.” Before I can push past him, he pushes me.

“You think you can just get away from me? Let me see your jacket.”

I shake my head.

I’m surrounded now but I don’t stand down. I won’t let them know I’m scared.

The first time he hits me I’m distracted and one of the guys rips the jacket off my shoulders. I yell in protest and my hands fly in front of me.

There are too many of them. I finally lose consciousness after the tenth blow.

++++++

My mouth feels dry. I open my eyes slowly and see white.

“Water,” I croak as I begin to fade again.

“Thresh!” I see the concerned face of Johanna in front of me. She’s been crying and I reach out to her. “You’re awake. I was so scared.”

Behind her is Katniss and she is grinning so hard that tears fall from her eyes. She goes to my other side.

“Hey there, stranger,” she greets me. “We were getting worried.”

“I couldn’t let them take my jacket.” It’s the only answer I have.

“You fucking idiot!” Johanna bursts out. “You always let them take the jacket!” Suddenly, she is crying against my chest.

My eyes focus on Peeta who is also in front of me. He holds a cup of water and helps put the straw to my mouth.  The water helps tremendously and my mouth curls into a tired smile.

“Thanks, Peeta,” I say after I’m done.

“Welcome back,” he replies. “Your parents went to pick up Rue from school. They’ll be here in the evening.”

“How long have I been out?”

“Three days,” Johanna informs me.

“Holy crap.”

“Thank goodness the cashier at the gas station saw the whole thing and called the cops,” Katniss tells me. “If not…”

She doesn’t continue and I don’t want her to.

“I’m going to call Finnick and let him know that you’re awake,” Peeta says. He goes to Katniss and kisses her quickly. “I’ll be back. I’m going to grab a bottle of water for Thresh. Do you ladies need anything?”

They both shake their heads and he leaves shortly after.

I look over at Katniss, who is smiling to herself. I place my hand over hers to get her attention.

“Open your heart to him, okay? Protecting your heart is bullshit. Life’s too short.”

Katniss nods seriously. “As long as you do the same.”

++++++

I remain in the hospital until the end of the week. Apparently, my rib was fractured and I took a serious blow to the head. My parents are there whenever they’re not at work.

Today, Rue and Katniss’ little sister, Prim, take the bus all the way to General to see me. I’m helping them with their homework when _he_ comes to visit.

I look up when I hear the knock. Jay stands in the doorway, his eyes worried. I give him a smile.

“Hey. I was wondering when you were coming by.”

“Sorry, I didn’t get a day off until now,” he says. Jay holds out a small cactus. “I thought it would be manlier than flowers.”

We stare at one another in silence for a moment.

“We’re going downstairs to get some Cokes,” Rue says slowly, sensing the tension in the room. Sometimes I wonder if she knows.

“Okay. Be careful,” I say to her. She and Prim leave quickly.

As soon as they’re gone, Jay moves towards me and I pull him into my arms. I don’t know whether it’s getting jumped or the drugs, but I need him near me. I breathe in his cologne.

“I was worried,” he tells me. “I should’ve walked you home.”

“Then maybe it might’ve been you if you did,” I reply. ”I’m okay.”

Life is weird. You never know when it’s going to change. Or when you’re going to change. I realize I’m not scared anymore. I want to open my heart because hiding behind fear is crap.

So as he pulls away from me, I reach to cup his face in my hands and kiss him. It feels right.

After we untangle ourselves from one another, I hear a cough and look up to see my Dad at the doorway.

His eyes are blank. “I’m going to take Rue and Prim to our house for dinner.”

That’s the last thing he said to me. That was also the last time he came to see me at the hospital.

I tell my friends that we’re fighting about my college major. He wants me to go into law and I want to go into marketing. Most of them accept that answer. Only Johanna and Katniss see me cry when he doesn’t come with my Mom to bring me home from the hospital.

To him, I’m dead. The Thresh he knew died in that beating.

I’m different now, sitting in my wheelchair as I wait for Mom with tear streaks on my face. As Johanna and Katniss hold my hands, I become stronger inside. I know myself now. I know the life I want.

I’ve become a man.

Nothing would be the same and like he said to me just a few days ago, I would know the moment, the hour, the minute and the second that I became a man.

But I never thought being a man would mean losing him.

* * *

 

Heavy chapter for me.

The actual verdict happened on October 3, 1995. This chapter takes place a week after the verdict. As far as my opinions on the verdict, I keep them to myself. I know there are others who were very passionate about this topic.

The Wherehouse was a chain of music/video stores that existed in the United States. As music distribution became more popular online, many music stores like it began to close down. The Wherehouse does have a website online that basically functions like the store did. I used to buy my singles there.

Colma is a city about 10-15 minutes from San Francisco.

Immature was an R&B group. The members were Marques “Batman” Houston, Jerome “Romeo” Jones and Kelton “LDB” Kesse. Some of their popular songs included _Never Lie, Constantly_ and _We Got It_.

Devon Sawa was a popular hottie of nineties. He was in _Casper, Little Giants_ and _Now and Then_.

“As If” was another term that came out of the movie, _Clueless_.

Starter jackets were sport jackets that came in different colors dependent on team. My cousin actually got jumped for his jacket like Thresh and was in the hospital for three days.

The Cow Palace is indoor arena/event center that is in Visitacion Valley/Daly City. It was the former home of the Golden State Warriors in the 60s (then called the San Francisco Warriors). You might recognize it if you’ve watched X-Factor or American Idol because it is where most San Francisco auditions for these shows take place.

Songs:

‘Be My Lover’ - La Bouche

‘Baby’ - Brandy

‘Killah Kali’ - Celly Cel

Next: Gale – 2012

Thanks for reading!

-JLaLa

 

 


	9. Chapter Nine: 2012

Gale, my Gale…

The characters of the Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to my dear Chelzie for cleaning up my mistakes. She is awesome like that.

_“But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you._   
_You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha._   
_Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,_   
_Do you have to let it linger? ”_

_-The Cranberries, “Linger” (1993)_

**Warning: Adult Subjects**

Again

Chapter Nine: 2012

“So you’re my Uncle Gale,” Adina says as we sit at the dining table. One of her knees is drawn up against her chest with her foot resting on the chair.

“I guess so,” I tell her with a smile. She grins back and I can’t help but marvel at how much her smile is like Peeta’s. So are her eyes, though their color is strictly Katniss’. As pissed as I am at her parents, I’m amazed at how they’ve managed to create someone who is a spot-on combination of them.

She munches on her toast thoughtfully before speaking again.

“I’ve seen pictures of you when you were in high school,” she teases. “You were a lot cuter back then.”

“Hey!” I grin in spite of this remark. “Why were you looking at my high school photos?”

“I was curious.” Adina takes a sip from her mug of orange juice. She got this from her mother, drinking from mugs instead of cups. “This was going to be the first time that I saw some of my Mom’s friends and of course, my Dad. I wanted to get to know you guys before I saw you in person.”

“A picture doesn’t say much.”

“Well, I had Mom and Auntie Jo-Jo fill in the blanks,” she says.

“That’s not really fair,” I reply. “You’re only hearing about me from another point of view.”

“Okay then. I get to ask you about someone else.” Adina looks at me curiously. “Tell me about my parents. What were they like when they were my age?”

I think for a moment. “Let’s start with your Mom. She used to wear her hair in a long braid down her back. She always wore crop tops and baggy pants because she thought she was Aaliyah or something.”  
Adina lets out a laugh, which sounds a little bit like Johanna’s. “She was always fiddling around the computer lab in school and was the one who convinced me to not sign up for ‘America Online’.”

“Sounds like her. And my Dad?” Adina leans forward, enthralled. Would I ever have a child like her?

“He started in our high school at the end of junior year,” I say and take a sip from my cup of coffee. “I didn’t know him as much but I respected him—still do. He met your Mom in our English class. The way he looked at her—it looked like something from a movie.”

“What do you mean?” Her eyes dance with excitement.

“You know. Eyes meeting, rainbows and birds, and other mushy shit like that.” I put my cup down. “I wasn’t supposed to say ‘shit’ in front of you, was I?” I smack my hand to my forehead. “I said it again!”

Adina giggles. “I’m old enough to know what ‘shit’ means. Auntie Jo-Jo curses about loads of things in front of me. Keep going. How were they as a couple?”

“Your Dad was always taking pictures of your Mom. She hated it of course, but your Dad would just pull her into his arms and she would cave. They weren’t perfect. They would fight a lot. Your Mom wasn’t the most open person and Peeta put his heart on his sleeve. They always found their way to each other in spite of everything.”

“Anything else?”

“There were no two people more in love than they were.”

Her eyes are serious as she bites her lower lip. “Then what happened to them?”

“People change, sweetheart.” I pat her shoulder. “It’s difficult when you’re young and just finding your way. I think your Mom realized that she was meant to be your mother alone. Your Dad was meant to take great photographs. As great as a photographer as he was here, he could be better in New York.”

Adina nods but looks down.

“I know it’s not fair to you,” I continue. “Your Mom was young and scared, so maybe she didn’t make the right choices. You have to think, though. What would you do in her situation?”

“Mom’s right,” she said quietly. “You know her more than a lot of people think.”

“Our families were tight,” I say. “Right before your grandmother left, that is.”

She nods again. How very Katniss Everdeen of her—doing the same repetitive motion while deep in thought.

“Can you tell me about Auntie Jo-Jo? When she was a teenager? Was she really like one of those chicks in the Aerosmith videos?”

“Your Auntie Jo-Jo is beautiful, so I wouldn’t doubt that you would think that. But she was more than that.  She was smart and strong. She took care of me.”

Until I messed up.

“Adina.” I turn to see Johanna in the doorway. She must have heard everything because there is a wisp of a grin on her lips. “Your Mom is looking for you.”

The teenager jumps out of her seat and gives me a quick hug. “Thanks for the chat.”

Johanna walks to the table and sits next to me. She grabs my cup and takes the sip.

“You still make your coffee the same way,” she remarks.

“I’m a creature of habit.”

“How are you?” I watch as she holds my mug in her hand. Her hair is the dark natural brown that she was always trying to cover up. She is wearing a pair of skinny jeans and oversized sweater. She’s come far from fishnet tops and leather pants.

“I’m okay.” I reclaim my cup and take another sip.

“So what do you do now that you’ve been discharged?”

“Nothing, really.”

“What a stimulating reunion conversation.”

“I don’t really like to talk about it.” And I don’t. Even with Madge, especially with her. 

“Strong and silent like I remember,” Johanna says softly. Our eyes meet and we both smile. “It’s really nice to see you again.”

My heart skips a beat looking at those eyes.

_Damn me._

++++++

“I was thinking,” I say as Madge and I sit in our bed. Annie and Finnick have really nice digs. It’s just like I remember it. “We should stay a little longer after the wedding is over.”

Madge puts down the magazine that she’s reading and gives me a smile. “Why? Feeling nostalgic?”

“We haven’t been back to the Bay Area in a while,” I tell her. “I want to see my family. I haven’t been here in nearly sixteen years.”

“What about our plans?” she asks. “Finishing up the house, trying to have a baby; we can’t put these things on hold. Isn’t that what we want?”

I nod, though I feel a ‘no’ rising out of my throat. The truth is, I don’t have much fight in me left. The fire I once had has burnt out.

Madge has been through a lot with me. She’s taken all of it with a smile and a comforting touch. The least I can do is not bother her with my feelings of hopelessness. The house has been my pet project since I was discharged and the baby is our project. The house is almost finished so I’m grateful for that.

The baby thing—well—we’re working on it. Madge has been checked and she is fine. Her health is perfect. I can’t seem to bring myself to go to a doctor. I’m afraid. What if there is something wrong with me?

And I don’t think I can’t be someone’s father. Fathers are supposed to be strong. I can barely hold my head up some days.

My wife purses her lips as she watches me, then takes my hand.

“How about we spend a week here after the wedding? I don’t think we’re going to fall apart if we spend one more week here.”

I don’t respond.

++++++

“Uncle Gale!” Adina rushes over to me, pushing past bunches of people to get to me.

I feel self-conscious, standing awkwardly in the crowd. I’m not good with people and I’m only doing this because it’s not every day that your little sister gets to perform at ‘The Great American Music Hall’.

Madge decided to pass and hang out with Annie instead. Finnick and Thresh are at a night-time golf range playing with their putts, or whatever you call them.

Adina grabs my hand and pulls me towards the bar area, her gold top sparkling as she moves.

“Should you be wearing something like that?”

“She borrowed it from me.” I turn to find Johanna grinning.

I laugh. “Figures. It looks like yours.”

Besides her are Katniss and Peeta, who are trying not to stare at one another. I shake Peeta’s hand and kiss Katniss on the cheek. Once upon a time, I thought that I was supposed to be with her. The problem is that since we spent most of our childhood together, we know one another too well. We are too much alike.

Adina goes over to her father and they go to check out the stage. Walking over to my friend, I give Katniss a smile. “How’s it going?”

“She’s never been so happy,” she replies but I see the sadness in her eyes.

“Jealous?” I know she isn’t though.

“I fucked up,” Katniss says to me quietly and takes a sip from the glass she holds.

“You did what you thought was right,” I assure her. “Is Peeta still mad?”

“It varies. He ranges between unconvincingly complacent and off the kilter pissed.”

“And you’re still in love with him.”

“I don’t know him anymore,” she says.

“Feelings sometimes don’t change,” I tell her slowly. My eyes suddenly catch Johanna who has been sitting behind her the whole time. “They can grow with you.”

“As I live and breathe, my big brother has finally come to see me.” I turn to see Posy.

I throw my arms around her and lift her until her feet dangle off the ground. When I put her down, I get a really good look at her. She is petite and pale with dark shoulder length hair. She’s in a fitted Metallica baseball tee and jeans.

“Long time, no see Posy,” I greet her. “You’re all grown up. Do you have a boyfriend? If you do, I’ll kill him.”

Johanna walks over to her and they hug. Then Johanna turns to me. “Try boyfriends. This one here likes to play the field.”

Posy puts a finger on her chin. “Now tell me… who joined the Mile High Club because she was bored?”

“Don’t tattle on me or I’m not letting you borrow any of my clothes for your dates anymore!” They grin at one another before laughing. I’m happy to see that they’ve remained close even after Johanna and I fell apart.

“So how are you, big bro?” Posy asks. “By the way, thank your wife for the pink cardigan. It’s so me.” She gives me an eye roll.

“She tries,” I tell her.

“She wouldn’t have to if she knew me more. In order for that to happen, she might want to let go of that leash and let you come see us.” There’s no love lost between my sister and my wife. They are complete opposites. I know that Posy wanted me to end up with Johanna. She’s told me this numerous times during phone calls.

“Posy…” I give her a warning.

She holds up her hands in surrender. “Just sayin’!”

“Well, don’t.” I sigh and give a tired smile. “I’m sorry. We are staying a little longer if that makes you feel better.” She grins.

“It does because I’ve missed you.” Posy gives me a smile. “I’d better go. We’re almost up. Stay for a drink after the show is done?”

“I’ll be here.” She waves at us before going backstage.

“She’s going to have a drink with me. I’m officially old.”

Johanna hooks her arm with mine. “We can be old together,” she offers. “Let’s find a place in front of the stage, okay?”

Together we walk and the warmth of her body near mine brings a familiar comfort that I haven’t felt in a long time.

++++++

“You were amazing,” I tell Posy as we sit at the empty bar.  It’s well past midnight. “I’m glad I let you have my guitar.”

She turns to me and gives a half-smile. “You didn’t give me that guitar; I took it when you abandoned it.” Posy swishes the amber liquid. “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You don’t look happy. Everyone can’t see it, but I can. I always could,” Posy states bluntly.

“I’m fine, I’m perfect. I have a good life. There is nothing for me to be unhappy about,” I argue.

“Just stop, Gale. You always say that you’re happy, but you’re not. It’s in your eyes, it’s in you. Ever since you left, there’s been some chip on your shoulder!”

“What chip?” I ask her suddenly. I can feel my anger rising. “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you, I just want you to be happy,” she continues. “You think that it’s because of Madge that you haven’t come to see us in years? You missed my graduation, along with Rory’s and Vick’s because you were afraid to confront everything that you left behind!”

“What? WHAT DID I LEAVE BEHIND?” I scream into the empty room.

“THAT! You left that! You left all your anger and bullshit angst here in San Francisco. You left us, too! You went to Tacoma with your perfect wife and house to live some sort of half-life.” Posy’s eyes glitter with tears. “We were so worried when you were wounded during duty. We thought that you would come back, but instead you abandoned everything—even us.”

I can’t speak. My eyes burn because I know that she’s right. Everything inside me seems to plummet down to my feet and I can’t breathe. A million little voices speak in my head.

_You know she’s right._

_You’re worthless._

_You’re nothing._

_You should’ve died._

_You wish you were dead._

“Gale.” It’s Posy and I grab her wrist roughly on reflex. I see it then, the fear in her eyes; the thought that she has finally made me crack but not in a good way. She’s afraid that she’s pushed me over the edge.

I’ve been teetering on it for years.

“I have to go,” I say and rush towards the exit.

“GALE! Don’t leave!”

“Why shouldn’t I? It’s what I’m good at, right?” I reply as I push the door open and leave.

++++++

“Where are you?” Madge asks as I look out the window. She wraps her arms around my waist and rests her head on my back. I look out at the gray sky. “It’s really bad out today. I hope that it’s sunny during the wedding.”

“It’ll be fine,” I reply softly.

“You’re so far away,” she tells me, her voice tinged with irritation.

Madge is annoyed but she doesn’t want to say so. We never fight. She doesn’t like confrontation and I don’t like to be pushed.

“I said I’m fine.” I look at Madge and I can see that she’s hurt. I kiss her forehead. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. Maybe I need to get some air.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” she asks and I shake my head. Walking over to me, she zips up my jacket for me and throws her arms around my neck. “I love you.”

“I’ll be home in a few hours,” I tell her. “I think I’ll go visit my Mom.”

As I drive across the Golden Gate Bridge, I see the top of the bridge covered in fog. It’s really beautiful and I realize just how much I’ve missed being here.

Posy’s words haunt me. I’ve been trying to leave everything and everyone behind.

I ran so far from home that I left myself behind.

Before I realize it, I find myself passing my old high school, the last place where I felt like myself. I make a turn and head up the hill towards Katniss’ house. She gave me the address during Posy’s gig in case I wanted to pass by.

It’s a beautiful house and I can’t believe that one of my best friends lives in a place like this. She worked hard for it, plus she raised a baby.

When I get out of my car, I see Thresh closing the front door, followed by a guy in a grey suit.

“Where are you going?” I ask as I approach them. The man next to him gives me a shy smile.

“I was about to head over to Napa with Teddy,” Thresh says, his smile nervous. “Gale, this is Teddy—my husband.”

I stop for a moment. “So you’re…”

“Gay and married.” Thresh finishes for me. He meets Teddy’s eyes and they share a quick smile.

“Well…wow,” I say and pull him in for a hug. “Congratulations.”

All and all, I’m surprised but I’m happy for him. He’s been through a lot. I suddenly come to understand that the reason he doesn’t speak to his father is for a completely different one than I thought. I’m proud of him. Thresh has a courage that I don’t.

I realize something else. Johanna has lied to me. All these years, we could’ve—I can’t think that way.

Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I turn to Teddy. “Welcome to our family.”

“Thanks,” Teddy says. “So you’re the infamous Gale.”

“Infamous?”

“According to Johanna,” he replies.

“Really?”

“Really.” Johanna stands at the doorway, her face expressionless. “What are you doing here?”

“I was going to ask if you, Katniss and Adina wanted to come with me to my Mom’s.”

Johanna crosses her arms. “I heard that you walked out on Posy.”

I meet her hard eyes. She obviously talks to my sister more than I do.

“We’re going to head up to tell everyone our good news,” Thresh says awkwardly. “Don’t kill each other.”

Johanna nods. The couple walks down the path and to their car.

“Adina and Katniss aren’t here,” she says after a moment of silence. “Peeta took them out to lunch.”

“You lied to me,” I tell her.

“Do you want to come in?” Johanna widens the doorway for me and I enter.

The inside the house is simple but comfortable, with hardwood floors and plush furniture. A large piano stands by the window. I see a picture of Adina as a newborn sitting on top of it. She is lying on Katniss’ chest. I pick it up and stare at it for a moment.

“I took that picture,” Johanna says from behind me. “She looks so young, doesn’t she?”

“She was young, too young,” I reply.

“I didn’t lie to you.” I turn to look at her. She backs away from me. “I tried to explain but you wouldn’t listen. In the end, it didn’t matter. You were already convinced that I was a—what did you call me again? Oh yeah, ‘a fucking slut’. Of all the people, I thought it would be you who didn’t believe that.”

I want to tell her that it is my fault. I let the words of the people around me change my mind. I’m weak—too weak to admit it to her.

“You should’ve tried harder to convince me!” It’s a pathetic attempt to hide what she already knows. I was too much of a coward to fight for her.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Gale,” she replies.  Johanna moves towards me. “You stopped believing in me the moment you saw how people reacted to us together. You were too much of a fucking coward to fight for us.” She looks right into my eyes. “Why didn’t you have enough faith to know that I was in love with you?”

She looks down and I put my hands on her shoulders.

“Was?” The word echoes in the room.

“Yes, ‘was’.”

“Your eyes tell me otherwise,” I tell her as I pull her closer.

“So do yours,” she hisses back.

I don’t realize until now that our faces are only inches away.

“What do you want?” she asks. As she speaks, her mouth barely brushes mine.

It’s enough for me to see that the spark has never truly gone out. It has remained hidden, a glowing ember, deep inside me. She is the catalyst for it. It is Johanna who can bring me back to life.

Our lips find one another again and this time it is a harder kiss, an angrier kiss. We are punishing one another. We are mad at ourselves for wasting a chance at what could’ve been.

Taking my hand, she leads me upstairs and into her room. I’m focused solely on her. I close the door behind me and her big brown eyes watch me to approach. I reach for the bottom of her top and peel it off her. Her body remains the same—beautiful.

My mouth is on hers again as I caress the familiar curves with my hands.

Her hands find the buttons of my shirt and she rips her mouth away from mine to examine my body. She places a chaste kiss against my chest.

“You’re the same, but different,” she says with a soft laugh.

“I was thinking the same thing.”

Quickly, we remove the rest of our clothes and find ourselves on her bed, my body over hers. As I thrust into her, I feel the completeness that I’ve never found with Madge. The thought is both horrible and wonderful. I feel alive in Johanna’s arms.

We move perfectly in sync, her body arching as I move in her. Her eyes glow in the dark room. I have loved her all this time.  I whisper it in her ear as we move.

“You’re mine,” I say to her as I fill her. ”You’ve always been mine.”

“Always,” she repeats, her eyes following mine.

It doesn’t take either of us very long to reach our peak this first time. I lay my head against her chest as we rest, listening to her heartbeat. We don’t talk, we don’t want to talk. Talking means acknowledging that what we’ve done is real. I’ve betrayed my wife. She has made love to a married man.

Instead, I find myself inside her again.

When we are done, I finally speak.

“When was your first time? After the rape?”

“I was twenty-five. He went to UCSF like me…and I don’t even remember his name.”

“I should have been your first,” I tell her.

Johanna inhales sharply, drawing tears into her eyes before replying.

“I should have been your wife.”

* * *

 That Posy! She’s a mini-Johanna, that’s for sure.

I had an additional plot but felt that it wasn’t really appropriate, so it was cut.

Also, I don’t support infidelity but let’s be realistic and acknowledge that it happens in some relationships. There was just too much pent between these two for it not to happen when I thought it through.

Note:  The Great American Music Hall is venue in Downtown SF.

Next: Gale ’95

Thanks for the love and support!

-JLaLa


	10. Chapter Ten: 1995

Finally, right?!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

_I am one of those_   
_Melodramatic  fools_   
_Neurotic to the bone_   
_No doubt about it…_

_-Green Day “Basket Case” (1994)_

Again

Chapter Ten: 1995

**Thursday, December 21, 1995**

I open my eyes to find Johanna staring at me.  She gives me a smirk as I pull her against me.

“Morning,” I manage to croak out. I kiss the side of her head. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes,” she replies and rests her head against my chest. Johanna looks at me sadly. “I can’t even go back to my house during my own Christmas break. This is wrong.”

“I know.” I sit up and she follows suit. “You know, we can always talk to the police.”

Johanna frantically shakes her head. “No!” She raises her hands up. “I’m not ready! Do you want me to go? I can go to Katniss’ for a few days, then Annie’s and Thresh’s…”

I instinctively pull her to me. I’m worried. Her moods are up and down. She is overly paranoid and worries about being a burden. I can see that as much as I love her, there are other things that I don’t know how to handle—like this. She is constantly afraid of my abandonment.

“Baby, look at me.” I take her face in my hands. “Stay. Stay here with me. I’m just worried about you. As much as you try to be strong, there are things that even we can’t handle.”

She nods. “I’m so sorry, Gale. Sometimes I just think that I’m worthless. I don’t deserve to even be alive. My own mom doesn’t want me.” Johanna buries her face in her hands. “I’m not good enough for you, either. I’m such a skank.”

“No. You’re more valuable to me than you know. You understand?”

Johanna nods again and I kiss her. She responds, pulling me on top of her. I love the smell of her, slightly sweet because of the coconut oil she uses. Johanna’s lips taste of Dr.Pepper—the LipSmacker that she let Posy put on her last night as she tucked my little sister into bed.

My hands reach to touch her skin, one settling on her arm and the other inching up her thigh.

“STOP,” she says, suddenly panicked. I pull away and can see the tension in her eyes.

I sigh. This is the farthest that she’s let me go.

Johanna sees the frustration on my face and in other places. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing is wrong with you,” I assure her. “You have a hard time with affection because of what happened to you.”

We are silent.

“Why are you so good to me?” she asks, her eyes anguished.

“Because I love you.”

“You shouldn’t,” Johanna says. I pull her to me again. “I will hurt you. I know it.”

“You’re not capable of hurting anyone,” I whisper. “You’re a wisp of a girl.” I can feel her smile against my neck. “Nothing will change the way I feel about you. I promise.”

The scurry of footsteps catches our attention.

Johanna meets my eyes and groans. “Kids are awake.”

Tiny knocks sound against my door. “Johanna! Are you awake?” It’s Posy.

“It begins,” I reply.

I get up, but not before giving her another kiss.

++++++

“Oh, cool!” Rory, my younger brother, says as he flips through the newspaper.

“What’s going on?” I ask as I take a sip of coffee. Mom doesn’t like me drinking it, but she’s not here so I’m enjoying my caffeine fix.

“Did Michael Jackson collapse again?” Johanna stands by the stove making pancakes. Posy won’t eat anything but Jo’s pancakes.

“Nope.” Rory grins at her. “They’re going to build a new ballpark for the Giants!”

“Good,” Vick says. His eyes are glued to his red Gameboy. “Candlestick sucks.”

I skim over the article. “In the year 2000? So futuristic.”

“That’s only five years away,” Johanna replies as she placed a pancake on Posy’s plate. “Stop playing with your Barbie, Pose.” My sister listens to her and puts the doll down on the table. She grins at me. “We’re going to be graduating college, by then.”

“If I even get into one,” I reply wryly.

“You’re going to come to a game with us, right?” Rory asks Johanna. Our eyes meet quickly and I can see that she’s blushing. “When the ballpark opens?”

We’ve never talked about our future together. I know that she’s going to SF State and I have no idea where I’ll end up.  Mom can’t afford to send me to college and I know she needs money to help with the kids.

I see that my future will inevitably be in the workforce.

Johanna meets my eyes again before responding. “Of course, I will. I’ll get the hot dogs.”

I feel a strange shiver run through me. Johanna wants a future—with me.

“What’s going on?” I freeze in my seat. It’s Mom.

I turn to see her in the archway of the kitchen. I’m in so much fucking trouble. The kids know it, too, because they’ve gone silent. Vick is actually sinking into his seat.

Johanna stands next to me and she’s wearing my clothes. She looks like she slept over with her mussed hair and bare face. There’s no way that we can lie about that.

“Gale, what is going on?” Mom repeats, her voice hard.

“We were having breakfast,” I answer simply. “This is Johanna—my girlfriend.”

“Nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Hawthorne,” Johanna says, her voice weak. She attempts to shake my Mom’s hand, but Mom simply turns to me.

“I need to speak with you in the living room,” she tells me. “ _Now_.”

“I’m going to get dressed and head out,” Johanna says.

“You do that,” Mom responds, then turns to my siblings. “All of you, go to your rooms.”

“What about my pancakes?” Posy asks simply.

“Take them with you,” Mom says.

Vick and Rory help her. Vick grabs her plate and Rory picks her up. Together they leave the room. Johanna gives me one last look before following my siblings to the back of the house.

Mom and I walk to the living room; I sit on the couch and wait for the lecture.

“Gale, this is my house,” she starts.  “I can’t have you bringing any girls into the house, especially that kind of girl! What were you thinking?”

“Listen, Mom, Johanna is a great person and I love her.” She raises her eyebrows doubtfully. “That’s not going to change. You’re not going to change my mind.”

Mom’s eyes soften and she sits next to me. “I understand that you feel this way now, but is _she_ the kind of girl who you could marry and raise a family with? What kind of girl stays at her boyfriend’s house when he has his younger brothers and an impressionable sister around?”

“I’m only eighteen.” Running a hand through my hair, I meet her eyes. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.”

“Exactly.” Mom takes my hand. “I don’t think that there is a future with someone like her. Mrs. Everdeen isn’t crazy about her being friends with Katniss either, from what she tells me.”

“Why are you taking this so seriously?”

“I have to take it seriously when it’s in my home with my kids around! You have to grow up now and learn that sometimes we have to give up the things we want for a better future. You have to make the sacrifice for yourself and though you may not understand it now, you will later.”

“I’m going to take off now.” Johanna stands in the archway to the living room. She looks paler than usual and I know it’s because she has heard everything that my Mom said.

Getting up, I walk her to the door. Johanna’s eyes are blank and I kiss her quickly before opening the door. “I’ll call you later.”

“I’ll be at Thresh’s. Page him if you need me,” she replies before walking down the stairs and away from the house.

Closing the door, I turn to my Mom.

“So now that she can’t stay here, she’s going to Thresh’s house?” Mom looks me square in the eye. I feel my own face burning and the overwhelming feeling of—shame. I know what she’s implying. “Think about that, sweetheart, before you give your heart to this girl.”

++++++

**Tuesday, January 9, 1996**

_“Give me all the chicken heads from Pasadena to Medina_   
_Bet Big get in between ya_   
_Then pick the prognosis, doses_   
_Blends and Bends like Twizzlers_   
_Biggie's fitting to hurt_   
_What's under that skirt?”_

Marvel, one of our classmates, raps along with the locker room boombox as he throws his shirt back on.  We just finished track practice and are changing before we leave for the day.

I’m sore, but it’s a good ache.

“What do you know about chickenheads?” I turn to see Thresh and Peeta walk into the locker room.

“I know that I was with one last weekend,” Marvel replies as he tosses a towel in Thresh’s face.

I laugh as Thresh blanches at the dirty towel before throwing it to the floor.

“How about you, loser?” Marvel asks. “Who did you spend your weekend with?”

“Johanna,” Thresh answers simply.

“There you go. Chickenhead.”

“What the fuck? That’s my friend!” Thresh approaches him until Marvel is backed into a locker.

“Hey, man. I’m not trying to get into your business, but maybe you’re looking at her as more than just a friend,” Marvel replies.

“It’s not even like that,” my friend tells him. Thresh looks me in the eye. He is begging me to intervene.

Instead, Peeta steps forward and moves them apart. “Everyone is waiting for us outside. You ready, Gale?”

I nod and leave Marvel to finish getting dressed. As we walk out, Thresh turns to me.

“That’s not cool, man,” he says. “Johanna is my girl and you disrespected her. You’re supposed to be her man, right?”

“Thresh, be quiet,” I respond tersely. “You don’t know anything about us!”

“I know that you didn’t bother to explain anything about Johanna to your mother,” he says. “I know that I didn’t see you defending _your_ girlfriend to that asshole.”

He’s right. I didn’t defend her and it bugs me because I don’t exactly know why.

++++++

“You’re mad at me,” I say as I kiss Johanna’s shoulder. We sit on a wooden platform at Fort Funston. The sun is going down and the light against her bare shoulder makes it glow.

It’s totally understandable. Mom kept me at home for the rest of Winter Break. I snuck in one call while she was taking Posy to her pediatrician. Since then, I’ve been kept on a tight leash. Mom is serious about all of this. She feels disrespected by Johanna in a way and she doesn’t think that she’s the kind of girl that I should be with. She’s told me so repeatedly.

I can’t tell Johanna this. She is hurting enough due to the fact that I haven’t been able to see her.

“Yes,” she says, but smiles at me. “You owe me.”

“What do I owe you?” Johanna turns to me and pulls at the green flannel that I wear over my Metallica shirt. I oblige and she puts it on, wrapping the fabric around her slender body.

“I get to keep this—and you give me a kiss,” she replies as she straddles me. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close.

Our lips meet eagerly. It has been too long since I’ve held her, much less kissed her. Kissing Johanna is like an addiction and I pull her even tighter to me, yanking off her red bandana as I do.

I feel her stiffen against me and after a moment, Johanna pulls away from me. Her chest rises and falls rapidly as she looks at me—her eyes panicked.

“Too fast?” I ask her. She nods, her eyes clearing from the confused fog clouding them over. “You know that this has been happening a lot lately.”

“What?” she responds as she fiddles with the buttons of the flannel.

“That. You pulling away.” I put my hands on her shoulders and look at her. “I think you need to talk to someone about it.”

“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” Johanna tells me as she moves away. “Just leave it, okay?”

“I won’t leave it!” I go to her. “You’re afraid of my touch—“ She opens her mouth to protest. “Don’t deny it. You cringe, Jo, and it hurts!”

“Don’t talk to me about getting hurt, Gale! You can’t even stand up to your mother. I’m only your girlfriend when it’s convenient for you. When it gets hard, you hide. You’re scared, Gale.”

“What am I scared of?”

“Your mother. Your life. Your future. You’re too scared to make any decisions! You know what’s going to happen to you? You’ll never make any choices that will make you happy…” Johanna stops, her eyes wet and she stares me down. “Do you love me? Do you want a future with me?”

“Of course I do!”

“Then why won’t you fight for us?”

I don’t answer her.

It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her really cry. Johanna buries her face in her hands and as I reach over to touch her, she moves away.

“We’re through, Gale.”

++++++

“Pass the blunt,” Finnick tells me.

I hand it over and lay back on the porch of Annie’s Napa house. Her parents let us use it during the weekends. We all started coming here every other weekend during Thanksgiving break. The only time that I didn’t come along was Christmas break when Mom kept me prisoner inside our house.

We’re all about to leave. Peeta is driving us all home in his Dad’s Pathfinder, so Finnick and I decide to smoke up once more before getting into the car.

Katniss walks onto the porch and takes the blunt from Finnick, then throws it off the porch.

“Go away. I need to speak to Gale.” Finnick doesn’t hesitate to leave. She looks pissed off.

“What the hell is going on with you and Jo-Jo?” she asks me.

“Not now, Catnip. I’m still high,” I tell her miserably. “She was right.”

“About what?”

“She said she would hurt me.” My eyes sting from the weed and the pain. “She did.”

“No wonder,” Katniss snorts. “You act like you’re ashamed of her.”

“I am.”

The sound of crickets on the lawn is intensified by our silence.

“She won’t even let me touch her,” I say more to myself. “And my Mom won’t even talk to her—she doesn’t think that we have a future together. I always thought my Mom would love whoever I loved.”

“So you’re telling me that you won’t even try to go against your Mom? Sometimes parents aren’t right, you know.” Her eyes are dark.

I turn to her. “You okay?”

“The fighting is getting worse,” she responds and runs a hand through her hair. “Last time, Prim cried all night because of it. Thank God for Peeta, or I’d go crazy.”

“Have you…knocked boots?” I ask carefully and she snorts as she punches my shoulder.

“No, if you must know.” She looks out at the lawn. “But sometimes, I really, really want to.”

“You see? Shouldn’t you _want_ to be with the person that you love?”

“That’s not fair! You know what she’s been through. You can’t put that on her.”

“I know.” I play with the chain on my neck. Dad wouldn’t want me to treat Johanna like this.

Dad would’ve loved her.

I look over at Katniss. “You’re right.”

“So are we dropping you off somewhere else?” she asks.

I nod and Katniss bursts into a grin. She hugs me.

“Won’t Peeta be jealous if he walks in on this?” I ask as we pull away.

“No. He trusts me.” I realize how different their relationship is compared to Johanna’s and mine. I would’ve killed me if I was in Peeta’s shoes.

“It’s nice to see you in love, Catnip.”

She smiles and puts her head on my shoulder. “Thanks.”

++++++

_“You've already won me over in spite of me_   
_And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet_   
_Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are_   
_I couldn't help it_   
_It's all your fault…”_

I can hear Alanis Morissette as I walk up the steps to Thresh’s house. It’s our song.

Ringing the doorbell, I wait for Thresh to answer but instead, Johanna does—wearing a long t-shirt and nothing else. It’s Thresh shirt; I’ve seen it on him a million times.

“Gale? What are you doing here?” she asks.

“What are you wearing?” I respond.

“Jo, who is it?” Thresh walks into the living room. He’s in his boxers.

I see red.

Before she can say anything, I’m walking down the steps before I do something stupid. I hear the car door slam and Katniss calling out to us. She and Peeta were waiting in the car, along with Annie and Finnick.

“GALE! WAIT!” Johanna is rushing out of the house and she stops in front of me. Her brown eyes look at me pleadingly. “It’s not what you think…”

“Leave me alone!” I push her away and keep walking.

Thresh is running over to me as Katniss hugs Johanna.

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” he tells me. Thresh places his hands on my shoulders. “Trust me.”

I don’t know who to trust anymore. The events of the past few weeks run through my mind. My Mom’s lecture…Marvel in the locker room…Johanna pushing me away…Katniss telling me that Peeta trusts her…then seeing Johanna in almost nothing at Thresh’s door.

“Fuck you, man!” I push him. “Don’t act like you’re my friend!”

Thresh pushes me back. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

Johanna runs over to us and turns to _him_. “Don’t, please. He doesn’t understand.”

Peeta and Finnick make their way over to me, trying to lead me away. I push them both away and look at Johanna, who is quietly speaking to Thresh and Katniss. Annie puts a jacket over her shoulders.

“You…you fucking slut!” It comes out as a sharp hiss. Everything and everyone stops.

Johanna turns to me, her eyes full sadness, pain, humiliation, and finally, anger.

She snaps and hits me with all her might. “FUCK YOU, GALE!” Thresh is trying to desperately pull her away.  He is practically lifting her. “YOU ARE NOTHING! YOU’RE JUST A LITTLE BOY WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT!” She spits at me. “I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!”

Then she is back in Thresh’s arms as she sobs.

Katniss shakes her head at me before turning to comfort Johanna.

“Go home, man,” Finnick urges as I seethe.

“Do you want me to walk with you?” Peeta asks.

“No, I need to be alone.”

I walk the few blocks over to my house. When did it come to this? I don’t realize that I’m crying until the salty tears hit my lips.

Looking around, I feel lost and detached from everything around me. I don’t want to be here. Walking up the steps to my home, I unlock the door and find Mom waiting for me in the kitchen.

“Gale, what’s wrong?” she asks concerned.

 I can’t even look at her. Because _she_ was the one who planted the seed of doubt in my mind.

Now I’ve lost it all.

I finally I find my voice.

“As soon as I can, I'm getting the hell out of this city and I’m _never_ coming back.”

I join the Army a week later.

* * *

 Seriously, this was the hardest chapter for me. I’ve read over it at least ten times.

So, I picked the date obviously because it was the day that the new ballpark for the Giants was announced. On March 31, 2000, Pacific Bell Park opened. It has gone through two name changes since then - Comcast Park, and now currently AT&T Park.

Candlestick Park is where they used to play and has been the current football arena for the San Francisco 49ers, though they are now moving to Santa Clara.

On December 7, 1995, Michael Jackson collapsed during rehearsal in New York for his HBO special.

The Gameboy that Vick plays is the ‘Play It Loud’ version, which is basically the same as the original Gameboy except that they came in different colors. The original version was released in 1985 and the ‘Play It Loud’ version was released in October of 1993.

The term ‘chickenhead’ basically means a girl who likes to give head. There is actually a song called “Chickenhead” that my husband told me about featuring Three Six Mafia.

Fort Funston is a former artillery battery and is now used to as a handgliding launch site located here in San Francisco.

“Knocking boots” refers to, well—having sex.

Songs:

“Can’t You See?”- Total featuring Notorious B.I.G.

“Head Over Feet”- Alanis Morissette

Next: Annie 2012…we’re almost to the climax of the story. I hope you’re still out there!

-JLaLa


	11. Chapter Eleven: 2012

Annie, my darling girl….

The Hunger Games Trilogy does not belong to me.

_Oh, my life is changing every day,_   
_In every possible way._   
_And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,_   
_Never quite as it seems…_

_-The Cranberries  “Dreams” (1993)_

Again

Chapter Eleven: 2012

“Get your ass out here!” Johanna commands. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m still friends with her crazy self.

“I’m coming,” I respond as I struggle to pull my dress up.

This is my last fitting. I’ve had five fittings in the last six months. I know I’m a little anal about it, but this is my wedding and everything _has_ to be perfect. I’ve only been waiting for this moment since I saw Finnick as more than that stupid boy who spit gum into my hair. I sported a bowl haircut in fourth grade because of him.

“My dear, do you need help?” Mom asks me from outside the dressing room.

“No! I’m fine,” I reply. She is in full mother-of-the-bride mode, basking in the glow of my wedding. Mom has been like this since Finnick and I announced our engagement. I have to be grateful for her crazy party planning skills. We’ve had our share of arguments, though.

Like the difference between cream and white napkins—who cares? I don’t.

Not to mention the fact that she wouldn’t let me wear the pink Vera Wang wedding dress that I’ve been admiring since I saw it in InStyle Bride.

“Shit,” I mutter. I do need help. I don’t understand. This dress fit a month ago.

“Annie, can I come in?” It’s Katniss. I breathe a sigh of relief. I can’t have Mom nag me about not fitting into this dress. “I want to show you my bridesmaid dress.”

“Sure, come in.” Katniss opens the door and closes it quickly before my Mom can join in. She knows how I feel about all of this. “Oh, Katniss, you look lovely!”

The bridesmaid dresses are blush pink with sweetheart necklines to match mine. The ruched bodice and floor sweeping skirt fit her perfectly. The color works quite well with her olive skin. Since Johanna has more of a golden complexion, I made sure that the dress would complement both of their skin tones.

“Thanks, Annie,” she replies. Katniss spots my red face. “Do you need help?”

I nod, trying to keep my tears at bay. Everything has been getting to me lately.

“I have been dieting like crazy,” I say quietly and close my eyes.  I have to calm down as I feel the onset of a panic attack happening, my heart racing and the feeling of impending doom.

“Annie, you can’t do that,” she warns. “We don’t want it to go too far—like before.”

“I know.” Katniss struggles with the buttons and I suck it in. She meets my eyes quizzically in the mirror. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she replies. “I almost got it but can you breathe?”

“Just barely,” I say with a slight gasp. “This is a fucking disaster.”

“It will be fine,” she assures me. “All that matters is that Finnick is going to be ripping this thing off at the end of the night or doing you in it.”

Katniss gives me a wicked grins and winks. “You hang out with Johanna too much,” I tell her.

“I heard that, bitch!” Johanna is sitting right outside. “Get out here before I get too drunk to appreciate your bridal beauty!” Wine in a bridal shop is a bad idea, especially in her case.

“You look gorgeous, Annie,” Katniss says into my ear and I look into the mirror. Thank God, it’s not as bad as I think.

Together, we walk out and I step onto the pedestal to give them a good look at the dress.  It is pure white with a sweetheart top and an A-line organza layered skirt. After I had stopped sulking about my pink dress, I tried this one on and fell in love with it.

“You look beautiful, sweetie,” my Mom tells me. “A bit tight, but it works.”

Katniss rolls her eyes at my Mom. “You look perfect.”

“Your jugs are huge,” Johanna adds and smiles. “That’s not a bad thing.”

Now that I get a good look at my top, I notice how much I’ve filled the cup.

“I must be getting my rag or something,” I tell her. “In a week, I’ll have to stuff this thing.”

“You are like the only person who still calls their period their rag.” Johanna chuckles. “But really, you look fucking pretty.”

“Thanks.”

Then I realize something.

 I’ve missed my period.

++++++

I’m a surgeon and I’ve always been cautious of my health. I should’ve realized the signs. My aversion to alcohol for the last two months, for example. I’ve been drinking a lot of ginger ale instead of alcohol because the thought of it made me sick.

Usually I can drink Finnick under the table.

No one even noticed that during the engagement party, my wine glass was still full by the end of the night. Finnick hadn’t. I practically dragged him to bed. He is no good with alcohol and the fact that he had to interact with a lot of my parents’ friends made him nervous. My fiancé is more insecure about himself than people believe.

He has spent years trying to prove that he was good enough for me. He’s been like this since--

Now I’m sitting on a toilet staring at a plus sign; a plus sign that will change our lives. Who knew that one symbol could wreak havoc?

“Babe!” Finnick is in our shared bedroom. It’s the room that we’ve always used in the Napa house. “Are you okay in there?”

“I’ll be right out,” I reply and wrap the test in toilet paper before throwing it in the garbage. I wash my hands and then take a quick look in the mirror. I look the same: dark hair, green eyes and slightly tanned skin thanks to the Los Angeles sun.

I walk out and find Finnick sitting on our bed. He smiles happily at me. “Hello, my bride.”

“Hello.” I sit on his lap. “What did you do today?”

“I forced Peeta and Gale into tuxedos, then gave them alcohol to cheer them up,” he replies. Finnick looks into my eyes for a moment.  “You look pale.”

“I’m just tired,” I reply. “Mom was driving me crazy today. Thank God for Johanna and Katniss, otherwise I might’ve choked her out.”

“That doesn’t sound very bridal of you,” he says and kisses my cheek. “Lay down with me.”

I nod and Finnick moves to his side. Straightening his body, he settles on his back. I remove my Manolos and crawl over to him. Laying my head on his chest, I let him pull the hair tie off so that my hair is free and loose like he likes it.

He kisses my hair. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I reply and I’m surprised to feel tears lining my eyes. “I always have.”

“Even when I was cruel to you?” he asks. “I will never forgive myself for that.”

“I don’t want to talk about it—it’s over.”

“I know, but I don’t know how you can still love me after all of that,” Finnick says. “I’m afraid you’ll wake up one day and realize that I’m a horrible person.”

I look up at him. “Never.” I prop myself up on my elbow. “I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. I’ve never given up on you—even during our worst times.”

“I wish I was like you,” he says. “You have so much faith in me.”

“We can spend all our time just thinking of everything bad but in the end it gets us nowhere,” I tell him. “I want to focus on what’s good in my life. And that’s us. We’ve worked to get where we are and we did it together.”

“I know,” Finnick replies. “I don’t think I would’ve made it here without you.”

“Same here.” I lean down and kiss him. His mouth has a slight whiskey taste to it.

I feel my body react to his lips which are now traveling down my neck. I feel the heat traveling down to my abdomen. Quickly, I throw a leg over his waist so I can straddle him. His hands find themselves on my waist.

“What are you doing?” he asks with raised eyebrows. Finnick looks at me reverently. He always does when I’m on top.

I undo his belt before meeting his eyes. “Just exercising my wifely duties.”

“We’re not married yet.”

“Please. We’ve been married since we saw each other.”

 I lean down to kiss him again but the sudden feeling of vomit rising has me jumping off him. I rush to the bathroom and don’t even make it to the toilet. Instead, I throw up in the sink.

“Babe? What’s wrong?” Finnick is at the doorway, his eyes laced with concern.

“I’m just stressed out… and a little dizzy.” I find myself swaying and he catches me quickly.

“You’re not doing _it_ again, are you?”

“No, of course not,” I tell him. “I just ate something bad. Too much champagne, not enough food.”

“Okay,” he says as he carries me back to the room. Laying me gently on the bed, he places a blanket over me.

I’m suddenly exhausted.  I can feel Finnick spoon me as I close my eyes. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

“I will always take care of you, Annie. Me and you - we’re forever.”

++++++

“Sweetie, wake up.” I open my eyes to Katniss holding a tray for me. “You need to eat.”

“How long have been asleep?”

“A few hours,” she replies as I sit up. Propping the tray in my lap, I look at what she has brought me: Top Ramen and crackers. “Finnick was really worried so I sent him off to get some ginger ale to distract him.”

“Thanks.” I open the packet of saltines. “Saltines and Ramen?”

“Saltines will help with the nausea,” Katniss informs me. “I was sick constantly—when I was pregnant with Adina.”

My eyes shoot up to look at her. She walks over to Finnick’s side and sits next to me. “How did you know?”

“I remembered having the same problem once,” she says. “I could barely zip my prom dress up.”

“Oh God, you were pregnant at prom. I do remember your boobs were bigger than usual.” I look over at her. “Were you scared when you found out?”

“I think I was in shock. I must have stared at that test for hours.”

“I don’t know how to feel.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I don’t know how to be a mother. I mean, have you seen my mother? I don’t want to be her!”

“Honey, my mother wasn’t exactly a dream either. I promised myself I wouldn’t be her. I don’t think I am.” Katniss takes my hand. “And Adina is a lot more sure of herself than I ever was at her age. It is really miraculous to see her become her own person.”

“Do you change when you become a mother?”

“Your priorities do. I think I stopped being depressed over my shit life the day that she was born.” Katniss’ eyes are warm as she remembers. “She made me want to be better—not just for her, but for myself.” She suddenly blushes. “She was conceived in a vineyard—a few miles away. My little Sonoma baby.”

I giggle. “I think this baby was conceived here. I’m glad, too,” I tell her and put my hand over my still flat belly. “I love this place. I always saw myself as living here with my family. Chasing the kids around the family vineyard, you know.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Finnick loves L.A., though. I think he feels like he can be another person there. He doesn’t have any connection to his past there.”

“It wasn’t easy for him,” Katniss adds and then turns to me. “We are a delightful crowd, aren’t we?”

“Indeed, Miss Everdeen,” I respond and pretend to twist my non-existent mustache.  We laugh together and the atmosphere is light again.

I stare at Katniss from where I sit. Time and motherhood have worked well for her. There’s something about the way that she carries herself that I’ve always admired. Katniss is smart and she knows how to take care of herself.  I shouldn’t be that surprised that she raised Adina on her own. I do have one thing that’s been bothering me, however.

“Why didn’t you tell, Peeta?” I ask her suddenly. “You knew that you were pregnant during prom. It would’ve been the perfect time to say something.”

“I go over that year over and over.” Katniss lays her head back against the backboard. “It never seemed to be the right time. Everything was disintegrating around us and before I knew it—I was at SFO watching Peeta leave. I still don’t know why I didn’t ask him to stay.” She looks over at me, her eyes heavy with memories. “What would you have done?”

I snort. “I’d panic. Cry a lot… I don’t know.” I throw my hands up. “I’m pregnant and I’m having trouble telling my fiancé!” I put an arm around her. “Seriously, I wouldn’t know what to do either.”

“Trust me when I tell you that I tried a million times and a million times I failed,” Katniss says quietly. “My daughter lost a chance to be raised by her father and Peeta has missed so many firsts for her. No baby book, picture, or video recording will fix that.”

“I’m going to tell you something and I’m saying it because I love you.” I look over at her. “You were a freaking idiot. You should’ve told him, but it’s over now and you can only move on. Maybe next time, you’ll ask him to stay.”

“Next time?”

“I see how you two look at each other.” Peeta’s eyes still brighten at the sight of her and he beams whenever he’s with Adina. I wonder what kind of father Finnick will be. “Don’t let that go.”

“Then let me tell you something because I love you,” she tells me. ”Don’t be an idiot like me and tell Finnick that you’re having a little fish.”

“Little fish?”

“That’s how it feels when they move,” she informs me with gentle smile.

“Oh.” I look down at my stomach. “I can’t wait for that. I’m going to take care of you so that you swim strong.”

“That’s the spirit,” Katniss says. “Congratulations, Annie. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only mother in the group now.”

“Well, maybe Johanna will hook up with one of my cousins and she’ll get knocked up, too.”

“Now that sounds pleasant,” she responds.

“Stranger things have happened.”

“You’re going to be a great Mom,” Katniss tells me. “Finnick, on the other hand…”

I glare at her. “That’s my future husband that you’re talking about!”

“Who almost destroyed this house because he wanted to see if he could breathe fire by spitting out Cuervo!”

“Touché, Miss Everdeen. Touché.”

++++++

“Peeta, what are you doing here?” I ask as I walk into the kitchen the next morning.

It took a lot of cajoling on my part to be able to get out of bed. Finnick was worried and wanted me to stay in bed—preferably nude and with him.

“Well, it’s Adina’s birthday,” he says to me as his mixes. “Her 17th birthday, so I’m baking her a cake.”

“How cute!” I try to dip my finger into the batter but he slaps my hand away. “You’re not supposed to be eating raw egg, you know.”

“Katniss is such a tattle-tale.”

“Don’t be mad at her,” Peeta tells me with an easy grin. “Finnick was bugging Katniss about that talk you had during your ramen dinner so I distracted him. I did persuade her to tell me, though.”

I sit at the counter and lean forward. “And how exactly did you persuade her?” I grin at him. Those two really are adorable. I feel like I’m watching them in high school again.

“Um… I promised her that I’d cook her favorite meal for her.”

“Is this a date?” I ask.

“No, it’s just two adults having dinner and discussing their lives, as well as their daughter.”

“So, it’s a date.”

“No, it isn’t,” Peeta says, his eyes serious. “I don’t think that either of us knows how to deal with each other, much less date each other.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Peeta nods as he continues to mix the batter. I find it soothing to watch and it’s actually making me—or the baby hungry. “What would you have done if Katniss had told you that she was pregnant?”

He doesn’t hesitate to answer. “I would’ve stayed.”

“Your gift would’ve been wasted,” I say. “The Bay Area is great, but it’s not New York. You would have never been the success you are now.”

“Success doesn’t always lead to happiness,” he responds, his tone hard. “And I’m so angry at Katniss sometimes because I lost so much time with Adina. When I think like that, I hate her. I hate her a lot.” He stops stirring. “Then I see Adina and how she’s turned out to be this great girl. She’s my girl, Anne. Suddenly, I can’t help but love Katniss because she’s a part of her. It’s a never ending war in my head and in my heart.”

I can’t help but sniffle and Peeta is instantly remorseful.

“Don’t cry, Anne,” he says apologetically. Peeta is the only one who calls me ‘Anne’. “You want me to make you something to eat?”

“No, this isn’t your fault. Hormones and all that nonsense.” I wipe them away and smile at my friend to show him that I’m okay.

Peeta pats my hand. “I would’ve stayed, Anne,” he says. “It wouldn’t have mattered if I ended up taking photographs of vegetables. I would’ve just been the world’s best vegetable photographer. Maybe I would’ve been happier because I would have my wife and my daughter by my side.” He sits next to me and takes my hand. “Tell Finnick about the baby, okay? He’s not going to leave.” I open my mouth to protest but he stops me. “He’s not the same guy from high school and being back here isn’t going to change him back into that guy. In fact, I think this will change your lives for the better.”

“You’re sure?”

“I can’t guarantee that life will be perfect, but he’ll be there even when it isn’t.”

I pull him to me for a hug. “Thank you, Peeta.”

“No problem, Anne,” he says into my ear. “You’re going to be a great Mom.”

“You’re a great Dad,” I reply.

“I try. Every day I have with Adina. I try.”

I look up and see Katniss in the doorway. Her eyes are full of something indescribable, but I can see them glistening with tears. I can tell that she’s heard everything and it hurts to hear Peeta’s conflicted feelings for her.

Because I think deep down she had hoped that he still loved her like he used to. And she knows now that he will never love her that way again.

++++++

“Happy Birthday, dear Adina… Happy Birthday to you!”

The singing ends with Johanna blowing a noisemaker in my ear.

“That’s freaking loud, Johanna!” I say and grab the thing away from her. Childishly, I blow the noisemaker in her face. “How does that feel?”

“You bitch,” Johanna responds. “I’ll get you later.”

“How?”

“I’ll have sex with one of Finnick’s groomsmen—on your bed.”

“Sure, go ahead. Thresh or Gale—take your pick.”

“Never mind,” she replies quickly, her face taking on a scarlet red. I watch her meet Gale’s eyes quickly.

Something in me freezes and I meet Johanna’s eyes. “Oh, Johanna…”

“Let’s not talk about that now,” she tells me, suddenly panicked. “This is Adina’s day.”

I sigh. “Okay,” I agree and then put an arm around her. “You’re going to be okay.”

She takes a shaky breath as we watch Adina blow out her candles. They are the trick ones that take forever to blow out.

“Thresh, you had one job!” Katniss says to our friend.

Thresh shrugs and Teddy, his husband, tries to suppress his laughter. “Sorry. I just grabbed the first ones I saw at the market.”

“This is the most beautiful cake I ever seen,” Adina says to Peeta. It is a three-tiered cake with black fondant musical notes all around it. “Thank you.”

“It’s for all the birthdays I missed,” he says to her.

I look at Katniss and see that she is hurt, but I know my friend—she will take whatever she can get from him.

Because she still loves him.

Finnick comes from behind me wrapping his arms around my waist. “Exciting week, huh?” I nod in agreement.

“Yes.” And it’s about to get more exciting. I take a deep breath. “Finnick?”

“Yeah?”

 “I’m pregnant.”

* * *

 

Annie is a little more grounded than she was in the book in her present time. However, her ’96 self will be pretty different and based on one of my favorite show characters. If you can guess who by the end of the next chapter, then you’re my instant favorite.

I posted Annie’s dresses on Tumblr recently, so you can check them out in my archive.

Some of you are wondering when I will be getting back to the Everlark part of the story. We’re about three chapters away from getting back to that. It’s all coming full circle.

Next: Annie ‘96

Thank you for reading!

-JLaLa


	12. Chapter Twelve: 1996

 

A little bit of Annie in our life.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, beta extraordinaire, for holding it down.

_I can see the first leaf falling_

_It’s all yellow and nice_

_It’s so very cold outside_

_Like the way I’m feeling inside…_

_-Emilia “Big, Big World” (1998)_

**_Trigger warning_ ** _:  Scenes regarding eating disorders_

Again

Chapter Twelve: 1996

**Wednesday, January 24, 1996**

_Eat something._

Half of a cheese sandwich that I had made myself sits on a napkin in front of me. Carefully, I pick it up and hold in front of my mouth.

I’m hungry, but then I remember my last weigh-in. I had gained two pounds. Two pounds is not going to help me look good in the white Calvin Klein tube dress that I have to wear this Friday. My mother is a patron for the San Francisco MOMA and we’re attending another boring charity event at the museum.

The worst thing about it is that she refuses to let me bring Finnick with me.

_Eat something._

I’m getting a little bigger in the chest area. Mom said so when she made me try on the dress for her. Dad just smiled and told her that all girls go through “hefty” stages. If Dad noticed, then I must be getting huge.

“Annie!” It’s Johanna and I smile as I watch her walk toward me. Today, she’s wearing a black tube top and grey canvas pants. I’d kill for Johanna’s body and her metabolism. I’ve seen her shovel massive amounts of food in her mouth and she gains nothing. She sits down next to me. “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been here,” I reply easily. “Just studying.” I pat the Physics book in front of me. “How are you doing?”

Johanna gives me a sad smile.  Gale hasn’t talked to anyone but Katniss since he enlisted in the Army. We hardly see him anymore because he spends most of his time working out in preparation for boot camp in Texas. After graduation, he’s out of here.

“I’m okay; just keeping myself busy,” she answers. “Where’s Finnick?”

I put the sandwich down. “He’s in the library…studying with Enobaria.”

“Enobaria Lopez?” Johanna raises her eyebrows. “Who’s tutoring who?”

“He’s helping her with Calculus,” I reply defensively and the look in her eyes suddenly shifts. “What?”

“Enobaria isn’t taking Calculus,” she tells me. “She was in my math class and barely got through that with a C. Since you only need math for three years, she opted to not take it this year.”

I hold out the sandwich to Johanna. “Here. Eat the rest of this.”

Suddenly, I’m not hungry.

++++++

The truth is Finnick cheats—a lot.

It’s this non-spoken secret between us. He doesn’t think I know and I choose not to acknowledge it.

He always comes back to me. I’m his girlfriend after all, and we have a reputation to uphold. So what if he forgets things like our anniversary? It’s just a day.

_Eat something._

No.

If there is one thing that I can control, it’s this. I have to look perfect. I’m supposed to be perfect.

Getting up, I walk over to my closet and pull out the dress. Holding it against me, I walk over to the mirror to see if it looks any better. The event is only two days away and I’ve held out longer on food. Water and exercise are what I need. Not a goddamn piece of food.

I focus on my face. Fair skin and big green eyes framed by my long, dark hair. There is nothing remarkable about me. I can almost understand why Finnick cheats.

It’s a lonely Wednesday for me. Mom is at the Fairmont Hotel having drinks with one of her friends, while Dad is still at the office. So it’s just me at the house, along with the maids. They don’t talk to me since they’re not allowed to.

My stomach grumbles.

_Eat something._

Not now.

Instead, I throw on a large, loose turtleneck and some Levi’s. I need to get out of here.

++++++

Finnick’s house is close to the Presidio. It’s pretty big and only he and his Mom live in it. Parking my car in front of the garage, I can hear music coming from above it. Finnick stays there instead of inside the main house. He doesn’t want to live there, as it reminds him too much of his Dad.

I walk over to the front door of the house and knock on the door. Finnick’s mom, Mags, opens it. Finnick somehow started calling her ‘Mags’ instead of ‘Mom’ when he was baby and it just kind of stuck.

 Her dark, sad eyes greet me but her mouth stretches into a small smile. It’s one of those days for her.

“Annie! Come in,” she says and widens the door for me to go through.

“Hi, Mags,” I say and hug her. “How are you today?”

“It’s been quiet,” she replies and as we walk into the living room, she wraps an arm around my waist. I love Mags. She’s the Mom I want, kind and supportive. Plus, she’s always willing to talk to me.

Life hasn’t been good to her and she’s struggled emotionally. Finnick’s Dad fell in love with a client at the law firm he worked at and ran off with the woman when Finnick was only three years old. Mags got everything from the divorce, but she was humiliated.

Everyone thought they were the perfect couple.

“Finnick is studying in his room, but do you want to have some tea before going to see him?” she asks and I nod. A tea tray sits on the table and I help myself to a cup. “How are you, my dear? You look tired.”

“I’m fine,” I say, though the cup trembles in my weak hand.  “Getting ready for Los Angeles, I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“And Finnick?” She takes a sip from her cup. “What happens with you two?”

“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully. “I’m a little worried. I don’t know what will happen to us. I hope he decides to go UCLA, too, but you know your son.”

“I do, Annie. I know that sometimes he does things that aren’t good. I know that there are other girls that go into his room,” she says quietly. I feel her words grip at my heart. “It’s my fault, I think. I was never really strong enough for him and I couldn’t teach him to not be like his father. You are the only good thing that he has going right now.”

“That’s not true—“

“It is true,” Mags argues. ”Finnick loves you more than he knows, but he’s scared. Everyone who has loved him has disappointed him. His father. Me… me especially.”

“Don’t say that, Mags.” I put my hand over hers. “I love Finnick, but sometimes---“

I don’t finish that thought because Finnick enters the room. He stops when he sees me and gives me a nervous smile. I stand up quickly.

“Hey, babe,” he greets me.

“Hey. Just came for a visit.” I look him over from head to toe. His hair is a bit mussed like he’s been sleeping. “You busy?”

“No! Just hang here with Mom while I clean up my room,” he says in a rushed voice. Finnick gives me a quick kiss before walking out of the room.

Slowly, I sit back down and take the cup in my hand. I hear the loud feminine laugh from outside. Enobaria doesn’t even have the decency to be quiet as she leaves Finnick’s room. I can feel my eyes burn in humiliation.

Mags puts her hand on my shoulder and I let my head hang. Tears fall into my cup and it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m no longer thirsty.

“If there is anyone who can change his ways, it’s you.” Mags pulls me into her arms. “I don’t know how, but you will.”

++++++

_“There is something amiss_  
 _I am being insincere_  
 _In fact I don't mean any of this_  
 _Still my confession draws you near_  
 _To confuse the issue I refer_  
 _To familiar heroes from long ago_  
 _No matter how much Peter loved her_  
 _What made the Pan refuse to grow…”_

The song playing on his boombox echoes into the large space that is Finnick’s room.

I understand why he likes it out here. The air seems lighter.  I walk over to his bed and notice the wrinkled sheets. I can’t deal with this right now, so I choose to sit on the floor.

“Why are you sitting on the floor?” Finnick asks as he closes the door. He unbuttons his short-sleeve flannel and tosses it on the bed.

“Johanna told me that Enobaria isn’t taking Calculus.”

The statement hangs in the air.

I look down at the soft, plush carpet thinking of the many times we’ve made love on it. At the time, it was all so lovely but lately I feel dirty thinking about it. I’m beginning to wonder how many girls he’s taken on this floor.

“Baby…” Finnick sits on the floor next to me. “She’s nothing. Now you—you are mine. You’re my girlfriend and you’re the only one who can say that without question. No matter what anyone might tell you.”

I nod tiredly. Finnick lifts my chin and grins. “Smile.”

“Why?” I ask. I’m exhausted both inside and out.

“Don’t be mad,” he tells me sadly. ”You have no idea how much it hurts to see you like this.”

I stand up and look down at him. “Hurts you? Finnick, you’re a real piece of work. I’m leaving.”

“Wait!” He takes my hands and I look into his eyes. There’s something else in them: panic. He is afraid I’ll leave. In a way, I understand what Mags is saying. I affect him in a way that no other girl can and he’s scared of it. “Don’t go. Please, Annie.”

“I have to. I’m tired,” I reply. My lack of food and drink has taken a toll on me. It’s only one more day. After the event, I can go back to regular eating and working out.

“Just dance with me for a little bit.”

“Dance with you?” I give a pointed look and he pulls me close. Instinctively, my head falls against his chest as we begin to sway.

“Just stay until the song is over,” he whispers in my ear and I feel my stomach tighten in want. God, why do I let him do this to me?

_“Was that the Hook brings you back_  
 _I ain't tellin' you no lie_  
 _The Hook brings you back_  
 _On that you can rely…”_

I spend the night.

++++++

**Friday, February 26, 1996**

“You look like you’re sick, Annie,” Katniss says to me as I close my locker. “What’s going on?”

“I’m fine.” Good God, my backpack weighs a ton. I drag my feet against the floor.

“What’s going on?” Peeta joins us. After giving Katniss a kiss on the cheek, he gives me a smile. “Anne, you okay? You’re about to fall over.” He takes my backpack easily. “I got it.”

I look at their joined hands and smile softly. “You two are disgustingly cute.” I feel my lip quiver looking at them. I see how well they fit together and it hurts because I want that so badly.

“We’re going to watch ‘Bed of Roses’ tonight with Johanna and Thresh,” Katniss tells me. “Do you and Finnick want to come?”

“I can’t,” I tell her. “I have to go to an event at the SF MOMA…”

 I feel the ground shift and I reach to steady myself on the closest thing to me—which is Katniss.

“Annie!”

I can feel my legs give out and Katniss follows me down to the floor of the hallway. I see her grey eyes over me from the ground and she’s saying something… but her voice has slowed.

And her face is beginning to blur.

Somewhere in the distance, I can hear loud footsteps and then Finnick is staring down at me. He looks terrified.

I try to tell him that I’m okay, but the darkness surrounds me before I can say anything.

++++++

“We’re all falling apart, aren’t we?”

I open my eyes, recognizing Johanna’s voice. I look around and find her sitting next to Katniss.

“Hey.” Their eyes zero onto me. “What happened?”

I look around the white room and then try to lift my arm. I’m surprised to find myself connected to an IV.

“You’re in the hospital, Annie,” Katniss says softly and her eyes bore into mine. “How long haven’t you been eating?”

 My heart begins to race. “What are you talking about?”

“The doctor said that you were dehydrated and he suspects that you haven’t been eating,” she replies. “Then there’s this.” She lifts my hand to expose my index finger which is blistered over. Katniss’ lips tremble. “He said people who make themselves throw up get these because of the acid in the back of the person’s throat.”

“I just watch what I eat,” I tell her, though it doesn’t come out as strong as I wanted it to. “Everyone does.”

“No, Annie,” Johanna says. “You can’t watch what you eat because you’re not eating. You made me eat your sandwich!” She begins to cry.

“It’s just a sandwich.”

“This is a big deal, Annie!” Katniss shouts at me.

“If it’s such a big fucking deal, then where the hell are my parents? Finnick?” I ask them. “I’m not good enough for them to give a shit. It’s a good thing that I don’t have to go that stupid event at the MOMA because I look like a fat piece of crap!”

“Why would you say that?” Johanna asks. She sits on the bed. “You are beautiful and good—you are perfect.”

“Not perfect enough,” I reply. “Not perfect enough for my parents because they were the ones who told me that I was getting fat and they were right.” I wipe my eyes. “And I’m not perfect enough for Finnick to not fuck anything in a short dress!”

I look up to see Finnick at the door holding a bouquet of roses. Both Katniss and Johanna whip their heads around to glare at him.

“Can you two give us a minute?” Finnick asks after a moment. His eyes don’t leave mine and when Johanna passes him, her shoulder knocks into his chest. He doesn’t even notice.

Katniss gives me a sad smile before closing the door.

“Where were you?” I ask and lay back on the hospital bed.

“I was talking to your parents on the pay phone,” he replies and sits on the bed.

“Oh yeah? Where are they?” I ask.

“They had to go to the dinner,” Finnick responds. “Your Mom is on the board. They just told everyone that you weren’t feeling well.”

I nod and I don’t realize I’m even crying until Finnick reaches over to wipe my wet cheek.

“Tell me what to do to make you better,” he asks and I can see the anguish in his eyes. “I thought I lost you.”

“I’m still here.”

“I didn’t know what to do when you fell.” He kisses my forehead. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”

I find myself irritated by this statement. Somehow, he’s managed to make this about himself.

“You should go,” I find myself saying. “I’m tired.”

In more ways than I can think of.

++++++

“You don’t have to watch me eat,” I tell Peeta. Both he and Katniss are taking me home from the hospital.

“I think I do, Anne,” he replies seriously, his eyes concerned.

To make him happy, I cut a piece of the pancake with my fork and put it in my mouth. I can practically feel the piece of food hit my stomach and instinctively feel the urge to vomit. My body is acclimating itself to eating again.

“There. Are you happy now?” I ask.

He places his hand over mine. “Are you happy?”

I fill my eyes watering and I shake my head. “No, and I guess that’s the reason why I have to go to counseling.”

The hospital wouldn’t release me until I met with a counselor in regards to my eating habits. I’ve been having sessions with Dr. Cressida—and will be continuing them until graduation. My doctor says that I do this to have control in my life because everything around me is so messed up. Makes sense, I guess.

My issue is that I never take control in positive ways.

I think it’s because I’ve never believed that I can control what makes me happy. I’ve always waited for other people to create my happiness instead.

I look down at the plate and realize that I’ve eaten half the portion. Peeta reaches for my tray and opens the milk carton for me. He gives me an encouraging smile and places it back on the tray.

“You’re a good boy, Peeta. Katniss is a lucky girl.”

“Don’t I know it.” Katniss walks out of the restroom. “I have all your toiletries. You ready?”

“Yes,” I reply and stand up. “Can we make one stop before I go home?”

++++++

Peeta parks in front of the garage and then turns to me. “We’ll be here when you’re ready.”

“Thanks, I’ll be quick,” I tell the couple as I unbuckle my seatbelt. “I just need to grab my homework from him.”

“Ask him if he wants to grab some burgers,” Katniss tells me and meets my eyes in the mirror. “And before you even ask, you’re getting an extra big burger.”

I roll my eyes then give her a smile. “If that’s what you want.”

“It’s what I demand,” she replies. “You have to want to take care of yourself.”

“I’m trying.” I pat her shoulder. “It’s a struggle every day.”

Katniss nods and I hop out of the car.

I walk up the stairs hearing loud music coming out of the room and I stop. Somehow I already know what I’m going to find.

Shaking my head, I stop at the door to knock. I hear Finnick shuffling and then the sound of the door being unlocked. Finnick answers wearing a white tank top and jeans, his hair mussed. When he sees that it’s me, he gives me an anxious smile.

“Annie, what are you doing here?” he asks.

“Who’s in there?” I ask him and stare into his sea-green eyes.

Once upon a time, I could see the whole world in them. Now I don’t see anything.

Pushing past him, I see golden hair and bright blue eyes. The rest of her is covered by my boyfriend’s bed sheet.  I recognize her as junior from our school and give her a cool once over.

“So this is why you couldn’t pick me up.” I turn and walk out the door.

“ANNIE!” I can feel his heavy steps behind me on the staircase. As I am halfway to the car, I feel him grab my arm. “Don’t go! Please…you don’t understand. I’ve been so stressed out since you’ve been sick and I just needed some relief. That’s all…”

“YOU! It’s always about you!” I stab my finger into his chest. “I’M SICK OF YOU CHEATING ON ME! YOU’RE FOUL, FINNICK!” I push him and struggle as he tries to stop me. “NO MORE! I CAN’T DO IT! I can’t take care of _you_ and me! Not anymore.”

“Please, Annie,” Finnick begs and my heart begins to ache when I see his eyes begin to tear. “I’m screwed up and I don’t know why. But I love you.”

Everything stops around us. The air is so thick that I can’t breathe.

After a moment, I exhale and take his hands. “We’re both screwed up. Obviously, we can’t get better together.”

Finnick cries against my hands and I close my eyes. “No, no, no…”

“Yes.” The word comes out strong. Stronger and more heartbreaking than any tears that he sheds.

Slowly, I pull my hands away from him. “I need to realize that I’m worth something—and you need to need to realize that, too. Take care of yourself, okay?”

Finnick doesn’t respond, his head hanging down as I back away. He stands there looking lost and I see him for what he is—a boy. If I stay, I will always take care of him like he is one.

I need to take care of myself now.

Turning, I look and see Mags at the window. Her eyes are full of pain, but at the same time I think she understands. She was just like me. She wanted to be in the perfect relationship despite the fact that it was so far from it. Mags paid the price.

I’m not that kind of girl. Not anymore.

I hold my hand up to say goodbye and Mags nods once.

_Take care of our boy, Mags._

Slowly, I walk to the car and open the door. Hopping in, I fasten my seatbelt and close my eyes.

“Are you okay?” Katniss reaches over and puts her on mine. I interlace our fingers and give her hand a gentle squeeze.

“Yes,” I look over at Peeta. “Just go.”

As we pull out of the driveway, I’m filled with every emotion - happiness, sadness, heartbreak. I’m so full of it that I close my eyes, trying to keep it in.

For once, I’m feeling everything just for me.

It’s scary, but beautiful at the same time.

“I’ll be okay,” I say to myself. “One day.” 

* * *

 

So this was full of angst—hurts my heart, really.

Not much from the ’96 events happening, as I was really more focused on the relationship between these two. I hope it makes a lot more sense as to why they have taken so long to finally get married. They didn’t get to where they are now easily.

Anyone want to make guesses on who this character is based on? There are a bunch of people that she could be mistaken for, but there’s one character that I had in mind.

Anorexia and bulimia are two very serious diseases. If you need assistance with either one, please check out the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders website, [www.anad.org](http://www.anad.org/). Their helpline number is (630) 577-1330.

When I was working at Jamba Juice, we had an intervention for one of our co-workers who was suffering from anorexia. She has recovered and is actually a Broadway dancer. I was glad that we were able to get her the help she needed. Others are not so lucky. I urge you to speak to anyone who you might suspect has an eating disorder and give them the support as well as resources they need.

“Hook” is sung by Blues Traveler.

‘Bed of Roses’ was romantic drama that starred Christian Slater and Mary Stuart Masterson and was released on Friday, January 26, 1996 in the US.

Finnick is a puzzle, isn’t he? He is based on an ex of mine (this ’96 version).

Next: Finnick 2012

Thank you for reading!

-JLaLa


	13. Chapter Thirteen: 2012

Darling, dearest Finnick-time!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

_Then comes the day_   
_Staring at myself I turn to question me_   
_I wonder do I want the simple, simple life that I once lived in well…_

_-Dave Matthews Band “Proudest Monkey” (1996)_

Again

Chapter Thirteen: 2012

“Hello?” I put my mouth closer. “Are you in there? It’s me—Daddy.”

 _Daddy_. The word sounds so foreign coming out of my mouth. I rarely used that word as a child. To me, the word ‘Daddy’ was synonymous with abandonment. Because that’s what he did; he abandoned us. When I think of the word, I think of lonely, rainy childhood days staring out the window and waiting for his car to enter the driveway.

When his car didn’t come, Mags, my mother, would take my hand and make me a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

I stopped saying the word Daddy when I was nine because by then, I had stopped asking when he would come.

“Mommy will keep you nice and comfortable in there,” I say into her belly. “Your Mommy has that way about her. She makes you feel safe.”

I look up at Annie’s peaceful face. It’s still really early in the morning and I don’t expect that she’ll be getting up anytime soon. Her nausea was bad last night. I held her hair back after she vomited up the little bit of soup that she could stomach. I do worry because Annie has had issues with food. She assures me that the vomiting is not her, but the baby.

Her mother is beside herself because they had to let the dress out a bit. Alice, Annie’s mom, has taken over our wedding. We’re fine with it. I just throw a credit card in her face and let her do the work. There is no way that I’ll let her stress Annie out.

“Your aunts and uncles are really excited,” I continue speaking into Annie’s slight belly. “Especially Auntie Katniss—she’s been waiting years for one of us to become a parent.”

“The baby is only two to three inches right now.” I look up to see Annie grinning at me. “He or she is just barely forming its ears.”

“Do you feel him?” Annie raises her eyebrows. “I can tell—it’s a boy.”

“If that’s what you want to believe,” she says. “But no, I don’t feel it yet. I do feel like my boobs are bigger, though.”

I give her chest an appreciative glance and Annie giggles. She swats my arm playfully. I get to marry this woman with beautiful dark hair, evergreen eyes and glowing skin. I’m a lucky bastard.

I didn’t always appreciate her—and I’ve spent years proving to both of us that I’m not the little dipshit I was in high school.

It came at price, though.

“Do you think we’ll be good parents?” I find myself asking suddenly.

Annie pushes herself up, her hands settling on her slight bulge. “Maybe we won’t be every day. But we’ll try. I don’t want to be like my mother, but I do want to be like Mags.”

“I don’t know if I can be a successful father,” I tell her. “I’m scared. Is my past always going to haunt me? My mistakes are always going to play in my head.”

“We’ll take it one day at a time,” she assures me. “You’re not your mother and you’re definitely not your father. You’re just you. And I love you.”

“I love you, Annie. Even when I didn’t act like it, I loved you.”

“I know,” she yawns. “Let’s get a few more hours before I wake up hungry or nauseous.”

I kiss her forehead and her head settles on my chest. Moments later, she’s asleep.

I stay up and then put my hand on her belly. “I’ll protect you, even if it’s from myself.”

++++++

“Adina, your mother and I agreed—you’re not going on that ski trip.”

Everyone in the kitchen looks up as Peeta, Katniss and Adina enter. Adina sits next to Johanna at the dining table and sullenly crosses her arms. Her parents are obviously exasperated. Peeta runs a hand through his hair—an anxious habit that he has. Katniss stands next to him, annoyance clear in her eyes.

“Bailey’s parents are going to be in the next cabin! You’re being unfair!” Adina says.

“You’re seventeen. You’re not responsible enough to be alone in a cabin with your friends and your boyfriend,” Katniss says to her.

“Don’t lecture me about not being responsible!” Adina jumps from her seat. “I’m not the one who got pregnant when she was seventeen!”

“Adina, don’t you ever talk to your mother like that,” Peeta tells her, his blue eyes suddenly hard.

Adina’s eyes fill with tears as she looks at them.

“Hypocrites. Both of you—you both used to spend your weekends here without parental supervision. Now you won’t even let me go skiing when there are adults two minutes away from us.”

With that, she turns and leaves the room. We are all silent, listening to the rushing footsteps as she goes upstairs. Then we wince when we hear the door of the upstairs bathroom being slammed shut.

Katniss and Peeta take her place, though it is a tight squeeze. Katniss puts her head on the table and I watch Peeta put a hand on her shoulder. Thresh and Johanna share identical grins at the affectionate gesture. Gale watches them from behind his coffee cup as Madge butters a piece of toast to put on his plate.

Annie joins me at the table and I look at Peeta’s somber face.

“Is this parenting thing worth it?” I ask them.

Katniss pulls her head up and meets my eyes. Her grey eyes stare me down and I see her trying to understand where this question is coming from. Even when we were kids, Katniss looked like an adult—she seemed to know everything about everything to me. She was the one girl I never made a move on because truthfully—I was afraid of her.

I knew that she would see right through me. Just like she does now.

“I went through a whole day of pain until Johanna and Thresh rushed me to a hospital because their stupid dancing made my water break. Then after hours of trying to get her out; I had to get a c-section,” she tells me. “But when I held her in my arms, I knew that it was worth it.” She looks at Annie and me. “You have to take the good with the bad.”

“I don’t understand.” Annie takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.

Peeta gives me a wry smile. “She means that there are going to be good parts of being a parent and then there are going to be bad parts. In the end, you have to take it all,” Peeta says. “There is no in-between in being a good parent. At least that’s what I’m learning.”

Katniss meets his eyes. “You’re doing fine.” Peeta’s serious face melts and his lips fall into that same dopey grin he had in high school.

“Both of you need to get laid,” I say. “Preferably by each other.”

“Finnick! Don’t say that to them,” Annie bursts out. “If it gets weird between them before the wedding…it will be a disaster!” She turns to them. “Just wait until after the vows, okay? Then you can go buckwild to your heart’s content.”

The whole table erupts in laughter. Annie sometimes doesn’t realize how adorable she sounds. She tends to let her mouth run whenever she’s relaxed.

“Finnick, why don’t you talk to Adina?” Johanna chimes in with an evil glint in her eyes. “You always know how to get your way. After all, you wore Annie down.”

Me? Talk to a teenage girl? Well, I’ve had experience with that, but it was mostly because I was trying to get them into bed.

I stand up. “I’ll do it.” I look at Katniss and Peeta. “You can’t get mad at me if I somehow make her cry or she does something stupid after, like shave her head or get a tattoo.”

“Adina is stronger than you think, man,” Thresh assures me. “She comes from two very stubborn people.”

I nod and kiss the top of Annie’s head before leaving the room.

++++++

I knock on the door. “Adina?”

I hear sniffling from inside the bathroom. “Who’s there?”

“It’s me—Finnick. Can I come in?” I can hear the nervousness in my voice. This is not my thing. I can negotiate a contract with multiple television networks and schmooze with executives, but I can’t do this.

“Okay,” Adina agrees, her voice tiny and choked with tears.

I open the door and find her sitting on the floor. Her legs are drawn up to her chest. She looks up at me and gives me a small smile. Her cheeks are streaked with tears.

“Everyone must think that I’m being a brat,” she says with a sniffle.

“No, no, sweetheart.” I sit down next to her. “It’s hard to be the teenager around all the adults. Sometimes we forget how difficult it is to be a kid.”

“I’m not a kid!” she screams. “Why does everyone say that I am?”

“Because you are,” I reply. “Don’t be in such a rush to grow up. When you’re older, you see all the mistakes you made and the things you could’ve said to the people you love. You remember how you hurt them and how you try everyday not to repeat those mistakes. Mistakes that you could’ve avoided.”

Adina looks at me for a moment and I am eerily reminded of Katniss’ stare.

“There’s something sad about you, Uncle Finnick,” she says slowly.

“I have a lot to be sad about.” I sigh to myself. “I have a lot to be happy about, too. That’s being a grown up.” I put an arm around her. “Your parents had to grow up fast, Adina. That’s why they worry. They don’t regret having you, but I think your Mom understands how your Grandfather must have felt when she told him about you.”

“Why do I feel like I’m always going to have to pay for what my mother did?” she asks me.

I understand more than she knows. Suddenly, I feel my eyes water.

I swallow my sob. “Because maybe you blame yourself in some way, and you feel helpless knowing all of this. But Adina—you didn’t do anything wrong. You just have to understand your mother and father made decisions. Not all of them have been smart and they’ve paid for them. You’ve paid for them. But that doesn’t stop them from adoring you, because they really do. Even when they’re being hard asses.”

I tickle her chin and she grins. “My Mom does that sometimes to make me laugh. How did you know?”

“Because my Mom used to do the same thing,” I reply, my voice hoarse. At this moment, I miss Mags more than ever.

“My Mom told me—about your Mom.” Adina puts her head on my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“Do you miss her?” she asks innocently.

I nod to disguise my tears. ”Every day. Cherish your parents, kid. They won’t always be here.”

Adina thinks for a moment before speaking.

“I guess I understand why they’re worried,” she says. “And I know what happened to them won’t happen to me. I won’t let it.”

“Neither will I.”

I don’t realize that I’m talking more about myself than Adina.

++++++

“So we’re going to have Finnick stand here,” Lane, our wedding coordinator, instructs as she pushes me towards the right of the old wooden arch. “Followed by your best man and groomsmen.” She snaps her fingers and Peeta, Gale and Thresh rush to my side. “Now, Father Sawyer will come to the center of the arch.”

Father Sawyer is the parish priest here in Napa. He is in his mid-sixties with dark, serious eyes. It took a lot of donating to the church to get him to come. His parish recommends that the wedding takes place in the church, but Annie and I weren’t into that.

Lane is now showing Adina how to walk down the aisle. Our blonde, frizzy haired coordinator moves with Adina as she follows her instructions. Before Adina reaches her place, she sticks out her tongue and crosses her eyes.

I turn to Peeta. “Everything okay with you two?”

“Yeah, she’s fine,” he tells me. ”Whatever you said really got to her. She apologized to both of us.”

I nod before turning to see Annie walking down the aisle with her Dad. She winks at me and I grin. Her bejeweled Jimmy Choo stilettos sparkle as she walks. The heels contrast with her ankle jeans and loose fitting sweater.

When Annie joins my side, I shake her dad’s hand per Lane’s instructions, then turn to Annie.

“That walk took forever,” she says to me.

“This wedding took forever to happen,” I respond and she elbows me before turning to the priest in front of us.

“I usually start off with a prayer for the family,” he informs us. “The first thing I ask is for the parents to come forward.”

I feel my heart sink. “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” Father Sawyer gives me a cool eye.

“My father left when I was a kid and um…my mother passed away years ago,” I manage to say. Suddenly, my body feels cold and clammy—signaling the onset of an anxiety attack.

“Other family members? Aunts? Uncles?” I shake my head and he looks at me. “Do you have any family?”

“No, it’s just me,” I croak and my eyes begin to burn. Quickly, I look down to cover up the melancholy overwhelming me.

“He has family.” A small hand takes the one that Annie’s not gripping. I look to see Adina as she meets the priest’s eyes.

“Yes, he does,” Katniss adds and walks next to Adina. I watch as Peeta joins her as well my other friends.

I give them all a grateful smile.

“You’re not blood family, however,” he interjects.

“Since when does that matter?” Gale asks him, his eyes dark with anger. “Family is so much more than blood.”

Annie looks up at him and her eyes are hard. “Your services are no longer needed.”

“Annie, what are you doing?” Lane asks in shock. “Your wedding is in _two_ days!”

She turns to the panicked woman. “We pay you to figure it out, so do it.”

“And Annie-bridezilla emerges,” Johanna mutters behind me.

My fiancée turns to me and then nods. “Are you okay?”

I shake my head and she reaches to cup my cheek. “No.”

“Then go,” she tells me. “I will find you.”

I nod and squeeze her hand before leaving the wedding party.

Annie knows that if there’s one thing I hate, it’s crying in front of people.

I did enough of that the day I lost Mags.

++++++

I haven’t been home since we’re returned to the Bay Area. It’s been too hard for me to think about it. I remember before I left for Los Angeles—the air in the house was so thick with sadness. I couldn’t breathe and so I trapped it all inside this house.

But I find myself now sitting on the attic floor of the house. I flip through photos, all of them of Mags and me. There is only one photo of us with my Dad. His back is facing the camera. I guess he was trying to take a photo of all of us but the timer went off.

He never really mattered anyway. It was always just Mags and me.

Now it’s just me.

“I thought I would find you here.” I look up to find Annie standing in front of me. She sits next to me and takes the pile that I discarded on the floor. “Mags was so beautiful.”

“Yeah…” I agree as I close the box of photos. I look down at the closed box before speaking. “I have no one. I’m nothing.”

“You have me,” Annie says firmly and then takes my hand. “You have our child and you will never be alone again.” She places my hand on her stomach.

I pull her to me so that she can straddle my lap. Tucking her hair behind her ears, I brush my lips against hers before pulling away. Annie smiles softly at me and something in me jumps into my throat.

“We’re your family,” she whispers as she looks into my eyes. “Forever.”

Then it happens, I am sobbing into her chest. Once again the horrible, melancholy spell of this house has taken over.

“I’m scared,” I tell her as I let my tears fall against her shoulder. “I’m not good enough to be a father. Sometimes, I feel so sad and I worry --that maybe I am like her.”

“No, you’re just you and the difference is between you both is that I’m not going anywhere,” Annie replies as she runs her hand through my hair. I feel my heart calm. “You don’t think I’m like your father, right?”

I shake my head as I wipe my eyes. “If you were my father, you would have been gone a long time ago.”

“Exactly. And we’re starting from scratch,” Annie tells me. “Just like Dr. Cressida told us to.” Standing up, she holds out her hand. “Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“We have some news to tell Mags.”

++++++

The sky is overcast by the time we get to Mags. The line before her name says, ‘Mother, Friend, and Wife’. I was reluctant to add that last part, but I knew she would have wanted it. She had been a good wife to him even when he didn’t want to be her husband or my father.

Annie places the chrysanthemums against the headstone and then joins me. Looking over at me, she smiles and takes my hand.

“Hey, Mags,” I begin. “Sorry we haven’t visited you for a while. I think that you understand why. It’s been really hard for me to come back.” I kneel before the stone. “Everyone in L.A. thinks that we have this awesome life. They think that we’re this perfect, beautiful couple. They don’t understand that it took us awhile to get to this moment. Years of counseling have made me realize that I am ready to be the husband that Annie should have.”

Annie kneels down next to me. “You’re going to be a grandmother, Mags. If the baby is a girl, then she’ll be called Maggie—for you. I hope you don’t mind.” She wipes her eyes. “You were always like a mother to me and it broke my heart when you left us. I think we’re both still a little broken.”

“We’ll tell the baby about you every day,” I continue shakily. “I’ll tell him or her about how you never stopped telling me how special I was, even when you yourself never felt that way.” I take a deep breath. “Mags, part of me has been angry at you. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why…but it doesn’t matter now. We have to move on for ourselves and our little one.” I put an arm around Annie. “One more thing… we’ll be coming to visit more often. I promise.”

My fiancée turns to me in surprise. “What?”

I kiss her forehead. “I talked to your Dad and I bought the house in Napa from him. He’ll keep on managing the vineyard, but the house is all ours.”

“And work?” she asks me.

“I think we both need a little change of pace,” I tell her. “I have a few interviews with local stations here. Maybe you can open your own practice—or go back to school to go into another field of medicine.”

“You’ve thought of everything, haven’t you?” Annie’s smile is wide. The brightest I’ve ever seen on her, in fact—and I love it.

“I haven’t thought about what we’re going to do for the ceremony,” I say to her. “We have no one to marry us.”

“Says who?” a voice asks behind us.

We both turn to see the aged face of Haymitch. He gives us a smirk.

“What are you doing here?” I ask after Annie has hugged him. I give his hand a firm shake, but he pulls me towards him and gives me a one-armed hug. “You told us that you were on sabbatical and in Greece!”

“I just got back and was in Oregon when this lovely lady gave me a call."

I look over at Annie, who blushes, and kiss the top of her head.

You need someone to officiate, right?” he tells me. “Well who better to marry you lovebirds than family?”

* * *

 

You’re probably wondering how Haymitch might qualify as family. You’ll see in next chapter.

Thank you for your patience. I’m working again and going to school—both full-time. So updating has been hard. Chelzie is pretty much in the same boat!

We are almost to the end of Part One. Excited? Peeta and Katniss are also coming up and it will all come full circle.

Next: Finnick ’96

Love y’all!

-JLaLa


	14. Chapter Fourteen: 1996

Here we are—almost to the end of Part One. Oh gosh.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

_And after all that, we have been through_  
 _Won't you let me tell you why?_  
 _And now that we have, found each other,_  
 _Can't we give it, one more try?_

_-Timmy T “One More Try” (1991)_

_**Trigger warning:** Scenes regarding suicide_

Again

Chapter Fourteen: 1996

_**Thursday, February 1, 1996**_

The letter sits on my bed, my admission letter to UCLA. I knew that I was in and was excited when I got it.

Now, the letter is a reminder that the reason I was so excited was because I’d be going with Annie. Annie, who couldn’t—no, _wouldn’t_ , take my bullshit. 

I think back to this afternoon when I watched her walk down the school hallway with Peeta and Katniss. The couple protectively stood on either side of her. They’ve been this way since we broke up. Katniss has been sending me death glares across our English classroom.

As she passed me, her eyes briefly met mine and I saw that brief flicker of something in them. Did she miss me?

I ached for her.

I look at the letter again and walk out of my room. I head down the steps and across the driveway to our main house. Entering through the kitchen door, I head over to the office but stop when I hear the hushed voice of my mother, Mags.

Peeking through the small opening, I can see her sitting at the desk chair with the phone cradled to her ear.

“He is your son and he needs your help,” she pleads into the phone. “You left us with a money hole of a house. I can barely pay for the house taxes as it is. I’m just asking for you to help Finnick with his tuition. _Please._ ” I cringe as I hear her beg. There is a pause. “Yes, I understand that you never wanted him in the first place, but there was a time when you loved him.”

My mother was once very beautiful, but time has ravaged her looks. Now her delicate face sags with heavy worry lines and her eyes—the same color as mine—are dark with sadness.

“If that’s the way you feel,” she says with a tone of finality. “Will you at least come to the graduation ceremony?” There is another pause. “Hello?” Mags waits for a moment before putting down the phone, her hand trembling as she does.

I close my eyes, realizing that it means nothing to him. My father doesn’t give two shits about us, especially me.

This is why love is such an enigma to me sometimes. There doesn’t seem to be a pleasant aspect about it. Mags loved my Dad and it broke her. I loved Annie but I was never good enough to love her the right way, so I pushed her until she broke.

It is an endless circle.

++++++

Sometimes, Mags cries. I can hear her from my room’s open window and I have to stop myself from joining her. After our quiet dinner, I kissed her goodnight and she gave me a brief, distracted smile.

I can’t stand it. I can’t stand hearing her cry.

My mind briefly goes back to Annie’s face as she broke up with me. The pain in her gorgeous eyes. I did that to her.

I realize the sad look in her eyes that day reminded me of Mags’ face as she talked on the phone.

I am suddenly running out of my room above the garage and into the house. My footsteps echo as I rush up the stairs and open the door to Mags’ room. She is sitting on her bed and there are pictures scattered about, most of which are of my father. I’m scared to see that the face in them is my own face—our resemblance is eerie.

Mags looks up at me and I’m crawling over to her, my knees bending the photos as I do. My arms wrap around her protectively and part of me hates myself for looking like a man who hurt her so badly.

“Don’t cry,” I tell her as I rock her against me. “I’m here.”

“I’m sorry,” she says to me. 

“No…no…there’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“You know I love you, right?” she asks brokenly. “No matter what—I love you. None of this is your fault.”

“I know, Mags,” I say quietly. Inside, I feel the trickle of something fearful filling my body.

“You’ll remember that, right?” Mags says as she looks up at me. “I have always been proud of you and I’ve loved no one but you.”

“I’ll remember,” I promise her.

I keep those words in my mind when I find her on her bed three days later—unresponsive and next to an empty bottle of sleeping pills.

++++++

**_Tuesday, February 6, 1996_ **

The whispers in the school hallway are deafening.

I knew that I stood out before. But that was when I was Finnick Odair, Mr. Popular and boyfriend of the beautiful Annie Cresta. Now everyone knows me for another reason.

Finnick Odair, whose mother OD’d on sleeping pills.

Finnick Odair, who has no family—no family that wanted him, anyway.

Finnick Odair, who has no one and is a nobody.

Thresh and Gale are flanked at each of my sides. Their glares are frosty enough to ward off anyone who might say anything. We head over to Peeta’s locker, where he stands with Katniss and Johanna. I am surprised to find Annie standing next to Delly Cartwright at her locker and not with our group.

Her eyes are red and bloodshot. I imagine that’s how mine look.

Johanna walks over to me and gives me a brief hug. “I’m so sorry, Finnick. Your Mom was a real nice lady.”

“Thanks.” My voice sounds unrecognizable. I look up at all of them. “Mags’ wake will be on Thursday and the funeral on Friday.”

“That’s quick,” Katniss remarks in a quiet voice.

“Everything was already arranged,” I tell her. “She made sure of that.”

They all flinch at my words, but it’s the truth. Her burial arrangements were made many years ago with my Dad.

The ache inside me begins and I push past all of them, but not before meeting Annie’s eyes again.

++++++

I don’t stay above the garage that night. Instead, I stay in my house and find myself in the office. I sit at the chair that used to be my Dad’s. Opening drawers, I look for something that would’ve given me a sign.

The last drawer has her wedding ring and a key. I take them both and put them in my pocket.

Looking at the phone, I find myself reaching for the receiver. Should I call him? Maybe he wouldn’t care.

The doorbell rings and I jump from my seat. Walking out, I open the front door and find Haymitch, one of my teachers, standing there.

“What are you doing here?” I ask him.

“You shouldn’t be alone, kid,” Haymitch tells me. “I’m going to be staying with you.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“I know that. I told Mags a long time ago that I’d keep an eye on you. I would have been here sooner, but I had to tie up some loose ends with my apartment,” he replies easily. We stand and stare awkwardly at each other for a moment. “Your Mom was a good friend and mentor of mine when I first started teaching.”

“She was?” I widen the door.

“Yes, she was and she was a damn fine teacher,” Haymitch tells me as he walks in.

Closing the door behind me, I look at him uncomfortably. “There’s nothing to eat here…I haven’t had much of an appetite. So you’ll have to fend for yourself.”

“Where are your friends?” he asks me. “And Annie?”

“I told them that I wanted to be alone,” I inform him. “Mags’ lawyer is notifying everyone that needs to be notified. She wanted to make it easy on me.” My voice cracks at the last moment and before I can stop him, Haymitch is holding me up.

“Take a nap, Finnick,” he says to me. “I’ll scrounge something up or we’ll order a pizza. Okay?”

Something inside tells me to trust him. I’m scared to because the truth is that I’ve lost enough people. And it is scary to let someone in.

However, my body protests tiredly and I find myself nodding at him as I walk into the living room. Lying down on the couch, I inhale that familiar scent of flowers—Mags’ scent— before succumbing to my exhaustion.

According to Haymitch, I sleep for almost a day and before I know it, it’s time to attend the wake.

++++++

“MAGS!”

I shoot up from the couch and for a moment, I’m confused by the rush of sound. My body feels clammy and I’m trembling from the inside out.

In my dreams, she seems so real—and so alive.

Then I realize that the doorbell is ringing. It is the middle of the afternoon and the wake is not for another few hours.

Standing up, I slowly walk to the door and open it.

My heart stops.

Annie stands at my doorstep with a plate in her hand. Her face is bare and her hair is pulled up in a ponytail.  She gives me a small smile, her bloodshot eyes crinkling as she does.

“Hi.” Her voice is hoarse. “I brought a cake.”

I manage a weak smile. “Hi.” Opening the door, I let her into the house and automatically follow her into the kitchen.

“Where’s Haymitch?” she asks as she places the cake on the counter.

Annie opens the cupboard above her to get the plates. I’m surprised by how well she knows the kitchen. Then I realize that she has probably spent a lot of time here with Mags. They were very close.

I see the wariness in her body and that she is in as much pain as I am. She loved Mags like she was her own mother. And there was a time when we thought that one day, Mags would be her Mom.

“He wanted to speak to Mom’s lawyer about something, then he was planning to go grocery shopping,” I tell her. “Haymitch is tired of pizza.”

She laughs quietly and opens a drawer to grab a cake slicer. “Mags cooked great dinners. She always invited me to eat with her and it was the only time I really ate anything.”

Annie bursts into tears and I pull her to me. She cries into my chest, her tears soaking through my shirt.

All I can think about is how right she feels in my arms.

My lips find themselves kissing the top of her head, then her forehead. When Annie looks up at me, her lips meet mine. We lose ourselves in our own grief and I pull her up onto the counter.

Annie reaches for me pleadingly, her mouth glued to mine and I hold her closer to me. I’m afraid she’ll disappear. Her small hands reach to open to the buttons of my shirt.

It is in this moment that I know I can’t lose her. She is my first love and the only person who loves me now. She isn’t some nameless girl, but the one I see when I close my eyes at night, the one that I pray for.

I can’t mess up with her.

I won’t mess up with Annie.

“Wait,” I say and move away from her. “I messed this up before and I think the reason why was because I always assumed you would be there to take care of me. I don’t want you to—because you need to take care of yourself first. I love you enough to want you to do that. We can take our time.”

“Why?” she asks curiously, though she doesn’t seem to be hurt by my refusal to go further.

“Because we have time,” I reply tiredly. “Because we’re alive and can give ourselves the time to fall in love —if that’s what we want in the end.”

++++++

And Annie stands by me—at the receiving line during the wake and during a phone call from my Dad. He has decided to pay for my schooling.

I decide not to take the money. I want nothing from him. I don’t need anything from him.

We stand together now and listen to Haymitch speak about my mother’s life in this chapel. They’ve asked speakers to keep it to three minutes.

I know her life can’t be condensed into only three.

I am surprised when Annie stands up and walks over to the podium. She unfolds a small paper and then meets my eyes.

“I don’t know much about Mags’ life, but I did know about the woman who would let me have tea with her,” she says slowly. “And the woman who would cook for me knowing that I wouldn’t refuse, even when I resisted on the inside,” Annie pauses. “She was a mother, first and foremost. Mags always thought about other people before herself. She thought about her son, Finnick, the most.” Her face crumbles. “I just wish she knew that there were people who thought about her and put her first…”

Annie walks away from the podium and when she reaches me, I stand up. Holding out my hand, I squeeze hers and we sit back down together.

“Thank you,” I whisper into her ear. My face is streaked with tears.

Annie looks into my eyes. “She loved you so much. Everyone should know that—especially you.”

“I know. I know that now more than ever.”

++++++

Annie stands by me as they lower the casket into the ground.

That is when my body gives way and my knees hit the dirt. Annie instantly joins me.

I cry, I scream, I yell for Mags. I feel others around me. Our friends have joined us—Peeta and Katniss on one side, Johanna crying against my back, Gale on his knees between us and Thresh’s arm against my collarbone, which is keeping my face from hitting the dirt.

I look up and see Haymitch sadly watching us.

“It will be okay in the end, son,” he tells me.

“Will it?” I reply.

++++++

Grief always takes over your body first. I sleep for days on end after the funeral. Each time I wake up, there is someone else sitting by my bed.

One evening, I wake up and find Peeta sitting in the chair. He looks up as I shuffle. Putting down the book he was reading, he gives me a small smile.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Tired,” I reply hoarsely. Getting up, he goes to a pitcher on my desk and pours a glass of water. After handing it to me, he sits back down.

“It will get better. Your body and mind are just trying to adjust back to life,” Peeta assures me.

I sit up and look at him for a moment. “What was like when your Mom died?”

Peeta stops moving around in his chair and thinks for a moment. 

“We knew it was happening,” he tells me. “But when you see her gone, it doesn’t seem real. The body you see isn’t her anymore. It’s more like a shell of the actual person within. I was sad, but I also thought that it was kind of a nice idea that her soul was just flying free somewhere along the clouds. She was free.”

“That’s a nice way to think,” I say sincerely. “Thanks for telling me.”

“You have to slowly come back to life,” Peeta says to me. “It’s the only way to move on. In the end, we realize that we’re just part of something bigger. We have to acknowledge that looking out for the greater good is the best way to live.”

I fall asleep peacefully that night.

++++++

“What are you doing here?”

I look up from my seat to see Annie.

Standing up, I give her a small smile. “Your Mom told me that you had a therapy session today. I wanted to be here when you got out.”

“It will be awhile,” she informs me after checking in with the receptionist.

“I just don’t want you to be alone,” I say. “I imagine that you have a lot to say.”

“Since when have you cared about what I had to say?” Her tone is harsh.

I nod. “Fair enough. You have a right to be angry with me—but just please, let me be here for you. Just in case you need a friend.”

I can see that Annie is relenting, her eyes softening as she stares at me.

“You wanted to take it slow,” Annie says. “Keep that in mind.”

“I’m not asking for more.”

The door to the doctor’s office opens and Dr. Cressida comes out. She is a middle aged woman in a smart looking pantsuit.

She gives Annie a smile. “Are you ready?” Annie nods before turning to me. “Is this Finnick?”

“You talk about me?” I ask Annie.

“Not just about you,” she replies, her cheeks scarlet.

“I’m sorry about your mother,” Dr. Cressida says to me sincerely. “Annie had to let me know why she couldn’t come last week.” She looks in-between both of us. “I don’t usually do this, but would you like to sit in with Annie? Only if that’s alright with you, Annie.”

“It’s up to him,” Annie says and turns to me. “Make your choice.”

“Are you going to be able to talk openly with me around?” I ask her.

“I think that was one of my main issues in the first place.” Her eyes look far away. “Not being able to openly talk to anyone.” Annie takes my hand. “I want you to stay.”

That’s all I need, so I join them.

++++++

I sit next to Annie on a plush loveseat across from Dr. Cressida.

“Do either of you want water or coffee?” the doctor offers. We both shake our heads. She looks over at me. “First off, I want to clarify that this is Annie’s session. She may say things that you don’t like, but it is not your place to stop her from saying them.”

“I understand,” I tell her and then I look to Annie. “This is all about you.”

The doctor sits down after grabbing a pen and notepad. “Okay, Annie, tell me about last week.”

Annie wrings her hands nervously. “We buried Mags last week. I’ve never known anyone who died and it was strange to see her lying there in that coffin. I felt scared knowing that life can pass by just like that, in a blink of an eye.” She looks down. “I was also scared of the circumstances. I couldn’t understand why…” Annie turns to me. “I couldn’t understand why she would do that.”

“No one will ever know except for Mags,” the doctor replies. “Sometimes there are circumstances that are out of our control.”

“I was scared because I used to think that I was just like Mags—and maybe I’ll end up like her,” she says quietly.

“You are no one but you. The difference is that you acknowledge that part in you. Everyone has dark and light shades of themselves. The good thing is that we can work towards finding a happy middle ground,” Dr. Cressida tells her as she notes something on the pad.

I am surprised listening to Annie. It’s like meeting a different person. She’s never talked to me this way and I feel sad because I know that it was my fault. I never stopped to listen.

“I feel guilty because maybe I could’ve stopped her,” Annie continues.

“You couldn’t be around all the time,” the doctor says.

“When things like this happen, I feel out of control.” Annie turns to me. “And I feel alone and it reminds me of the bad times.”

“We’ve talked about your need to feel in control, Annie,” Dr. Cressida tells her.

“I know,” she replies. “I know that I need to let people know when I’m bothered by something.”

“And then it is their choice as to whether or not they follow through, but at least you know that you’ve done something about it,” the doctor informs her. “Now go on, I’m here to listen and so is Finnick.”

That’s exactly what I do—I listen. I listen to Annie tell her therapist about the random thoughts in her head. Some of them are about me, some are about Mags, and some are about her parents. I listen to her stream of interesting, funny, and even sad insights about life.

The thing is that by the time it is all over, I still feel like Annie is a different person from the one I knew.

I realize, however, that I’m in love with this person, too.

++++++

“So I guess we can carpool,” Annie says as we sit on the hood of my car.

“If you want to; I really don’t want to interrupt your time with Dr.Cressida,” I tell her. Stretching, I put an arm around her shoulders and hold her to me.

She smiles gently as she looks out at the ocean in front of us. “I’m glad that you’re getting the help you need.”

Annie turns to me and brushes her lips against mine.

When she pulls away, our foreheads rest against one another.

I close my eyes. When I do, I see Mags smiling at me and I remember that she loves me—always.

“Are we just friends?” I ask Annie.

“No,” she whispers.

“Are we more than friends?”

“No.”

That answer is good enough for me.

* * *

This was the hardest chapter for me to write.

Personal note: During my junior year in high school, my family lost my uncle (my mother’s brother) in a in a similar fashion. I don’t really want to go into details, but it had a profound effect on my family. I remember small details the day we found out—the sound of the phone hitting the ground after my cousin called us and the grip of Auntie’s arm as she fell to the ground, sobbing.

The sad part of this was that we just didn’t lose my uncle—we lost my cousins, too. It became too hard for them to see my uncles, who resembled their dad, or face of the Aunties who had raised their Dad when he was a boy. I never went to the funeral because I had my SAT’s and I regret it to this day. I think I couldn’t understand why it had happened.

Years later, after my mom’s heart surgery, she became severely depressed, which is common with heart patients. I was faced with the fear that she would hurt herself and she almost did one day.

I grew up that day. I remember having to urge my Mom into an ambulance so she could go to the hospital. My sister asked as we watched the ambulance go, “Did we make the right choice?”

I couldn’t answer her.

The point of this is that people sometimes need help and they shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.

If any of my readers need to talk or need help, please talk to me or someone—really anyone.

Your life is precious, even if you might not feel like it at the moment.

Thank you for being a reader because each and every one of you means so much to me.

Next: Peeta 2012

-JLaLa


	15. Chapter Fifteen: 2012

Peeta time!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

_Who's got their claws_   
_in you my friend_   
_Into your heart I'll beat again…_

_-Dave Matthews Band “Crash Into Me” (1996)_

Again

Chapter Fifteen: 2012

**_Friday, November 23, 2012_ **

“Peeta?”

I look up to see my daughter, Adina, watching me. My daughter. I have a daughter.

It’s so strange, but at the same time, it is absolutely amazing.

“Hey, honey. What’s going on?” Adina sits on the floor next to me and my eyes catch what she’s wearing. “Is that mine?”

She nods. “Mom gave it to me when I was ten since I kept stealing it from her drawers.” I laugh at the thought of a little version of her taking a ragged baseball tee from Katniss’ dresser. Adina looks down at the camera equipment laid on the floor. “Getting ready for tomorrow?”

“Yup, just doing some last minute equipment cleaning,” I tell her. “Want to help?”

“Sure.”

I hand her a soft cloth. “Just wipe all of the lenses and viewing windows. Nothing sucks more than a picture with fingerprints all over it.”

Adina nods again and sets off to work. We sit in companionable silence for a few minutes as she wipes the numerous lenses that I have on the floor. I make sure that everything is charged and ready.

Setting up my old Canon, I aim at her and press the button. She looks up at the sound of the ‘click’.

Adina grins. “You’re lucky that I’m such a ham.”

“You definitely don’t get that from Katniss.”

She grins, but then her expression sobers. “Peeta?”

“Yeah?”

“What happens after the wedding?”

I put down the camera. “I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I suppose I go back to New York and you come visit me there. Or I go to Juilliard to see you. We’ll find a way.”

“Oh, okay,” she replies quietly.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Mom. What about her?” she asks me. “Are you going to stop talking to her? I know you’ve been mad at her, but I just don’t want you to walk out of her life.”

I think for a moment. My issues with Katniss have been a constant topic in my mind. One of these issues is the thought that perhaps my feelings for her are coming back.

Or maybe they never left.

“I will never stop being a part of your mother’s life.” I put an arm around Adina’s shoulder. “All of us are connected now—we’re family. And I love you, kid. More than I love anything in this whole wide world, and I will do anything to make sure that you’re happy.”

She wraps her arms around my ribs and lays her head on my chest, closing her eyes as she does. I rock her gently until I hear her snoring softly. Grinning to myself, I maneuver myself to a standing position as I carry her. Adina is light, so it’s easy to walk up the stairs and into her room.

Placing her on the bed, I put a quilt over her and then kiss her forehead.

“Love you, Adina.”

She mumbles incoherently and smiles quietly in her sleep.

++++++

When I go back downstairs, I find Katniss sitting on the floor, cleaning the rest of my equipment.

“I forgot that you knew how to do that,” I remark and join her.

“I was going to offer to help, but I didn’t want to interrupt your time with Adina,” she says as she wipes down a viewing screen for one of my newer cameras. “Your time with her is precious.”

“It’s really not fair,” I retort and she bristles. “I’ve had weeks with her—you’ve had months…years with her.”

“Peeta, I told you that I was sorry.” Katniss places the camera gently in front of her. “I know! I know that I fucked up, but I’m here trying to make it up to you. There have been so many times that I thought about that day!” She stops herself from continuing and folds her hand on her lap.

“What day?” I ask quietly.

“The day that I watched you leave, I knew that I was having a baby,” she whispers. “And I let you get on that plane.”

“GOD DAMNIT, KATNISS!” It comes out of nowhere and I see red. My hands search for something to throw.

“Quiet!” she hisses. “Our daughter is asleep upstairs.” She crawls over to me and places her hands over mine. “Nothing will change the past, Peeta. Let’s try to move forward—keeping our daughter in mind.”

I take a deep breath and my body relaxes. I look up and meet her grey eyes. My hand reaches from under hers and I cup her cheek.

“I’m sorry,” she says to me. “Just trust that I’ve punished myself, and somehow I’ve been punished without even trying.”

“How is that?” I ask.

Katniss jumps up from the ground. “I need a glass of wine. Join me?”

I nod and stand up. Together, we go to her kitchen and she pulls a bottle of white wine out of the fridge.

I look around at the cream colored kitchen and feel the cool tiles against my bare feet. I feel comfortable—almost too comfortable in this house with Katniss and our daughter.

My thoughts are interrupted by Katniss handing me my glass.

“Let’s toast,” I say trying to calm both of us. “To our dear friends, who are finally jumping the broom.”

“May they have better luck than the rest of us,” Katniss adds as we clink our glasses.

The wine is smooth and sweet. I savor the taste while watching Katniss sip from her glass.

“What are you hiding?” I ask her.

She places her now empty glass onto the table. “I’m not hiding anything. Not anymore.”

“Then how have you been punished?”

“Adina…” She looks down.

“Adina?”

Katniss looks up again and I can see the brokenness in her eyes. “Adina is my first and last child.”

“I don’t understand,” I tell her.

“I can’t have any more children,” she informs me, her voice hollow. “Something went wrong during the labor—and it is what it is.”

“I’m sorry, Katniss.”

“You can continue to have children with another woman if you wanted to,” she tells me. I see it then—the bitterness and pain that she tries to hide. “Adina is all I have.”

I can’t respond. How can I? Just minutes ago, I threw a tantrum and now I feel unbelievably small for doing so.

Instead, I reach from across the table to place my hand over hers.

I know it then. That I still love her - maybe even more than I did when we were younger.

We’ve both changed, but I’m willing to get to know her again. I’m just afraid that she doesn’t feel the same.

“Then she’ll be my last child,” I state after a moment of awkward silence.

“What do you mean?”

“Whatever you want it to mean,” I respond as I look into her soft grey eyes.

She doesn’t say anything and we sit in companionable silence both questioning what I just told her.

++++++

Katniss insists that I stay the night since we finished off the bottle that she opened.

However, I can’t sleep despite the fact that I had taken the last glass of wine before Katniss climbed up the stairs in her state of drunkenness.

I love her. And something about this fact is heartbreaking. We have nothing in common except for Adina. What would we do if I asked her to take this further? Would we be a bi-coastal couple who only saw each other when we could find free time away from our jobs?

And what about Adina? What if this didn’t work? She would, without a doubt, cut ties with me if she had to choose.

I don’t think I could take that.

I turn my head and spot Adina’s piano. The moonlight shines on the picture frames that stand on its cover. Getting up, I walk to this pictorial history of Adina’s life—a life where I was non-existent. I see photos of her as a baby. I see her as a little girl with dark chin-length hair and big, inquisitive eyes.

Then I imagine photos that could’ve been there—ones where I’m holding an infant Adina, and one of Katniss and I helping her blow out her candles on her first birthday.

What could have been.

_It’s not too late._

The last imagined photo is one that I try to erase from my mind.

A photo of Katniss and I as we are now.

Except that she’s in a white dress and I’m in a tux, our wedding bands catching the flash as Adina stands in-between, grinning because her parents are _finally_ married.

_It’s not too late._

That picture is enough to keep me up all night.

++++++

**_Saturday, November 24, 2012_ **

_Napa, California_

The sun sets against the vineyard as we watch the bridesmaids walk down the aisle. Johanna comes out first and I can tell that she’s had a shot or two because cheeks are brighter than usual. She hates people looking at her so she usually does this to quell the nervousness, according to Katniss.

Raising my camera, I aim to take a photo of her.

But as she approaches Johanna holds up her middle finger for me.

I contemplate whether or not I should take the photo before finally deciding to take it.

These are supposed to be candid. And Johanna is as candid as it gets.

Then I turn to Katniss and my breath catches. Her hair is down, falling softly against her shoulder with one side clipped up. The blush dress makes her skin glow and as she approaches I catch a glimpse of a simple pearl necklace around her neck.

I manage to take a photo, giving her a smile as I put the camera down.

Adina is last as the junior bridesmaid, her dress swishing against her calves.  Unlike the bridesmaids’ gowns, Adina’s dress has cap sleeves. Her dark hair is pulled up into a ballerina bun. She is thrilled to be part of the wedding party.

“Are you ready?” I ask Finnick.

Annie begins her walk down the aisle. For a moment, I see her as the teenage girl I first met--in her baby doll dress and high as a kite. I can’t believe that this is happening.

“I’ve been ready,” Finnick replies as he watches her walk towards him. He then turns to me. “Thanks for coming. It means a lot to us.”

I look over at Katniss and Adina. My daughter gives me a bright smile and I see myself in it. Katniss gives me an inquiring look before her serious face softens and her lips turn upward.

I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything.

Turning to the couple, I take a deep breath and raise my camera.

++++++

“Hi everyone,” my daughter greets the crowd from the stage. She sits on a bench next to a white grand piano. I remember the moment when I realized that she was mine and smile to myself.

Everyone has just finished their dinner and the crowd has now mellowed due to the constant flow of champagne being brought to the tables. Finnick and Annie’s parents spent a pretty penny on this occasion. The large white tent made of silk protects the round whitewood tables that the guests sit around. I can see the stars from the thin silk ceiling.

Our group sits at a round table in front of the wooden dance floor. Katniss sits next to me while the empty seat on my other side belongs to Adina. Johanna and Teddy, Thresh’s husband, sit across from us while Gale and Madge sit across from them. Next to Katniss are the bride and groom, who haven’t stopped staring at each other.

“For those who weren’t at the engagement party, my name is Adina Everdeen,” she continues. “Finnick and Annie will be dancing their first dance as man and wife to my singing—so please pay more attention to them than to my voice.” The crowd laughs and Annie gives them a big grin.

“She definitely doesn’t get that from me,” Katniss whispers in my ear. Her warm breath against my ear sends a trickle of excitement down my spine.

 “You could barely get on stage during graduation because you hated crowds,” I reply and she laughs quietly.

She meets my eyes. “I was worried that people would see that I gained weight,” she tells me.

“You knew that soon?” She nods. “How did I not suspect?”

“I practically carried her in the ribcage,” Katniss says. “My own parents couldn’t tell.”

“You don’t have to talk about it,” I tell her. “Not now.”

“I want to,” she replies quietly. “You should know everything.”

“When the time is right, we will. Let’s just enjoy tonight.”

We turn back to Adina who is still speaking to crowd.

“I’m very fortunate tonight because the song that I’m going to be singing is on a newly released album and I managed to get some sheet music from it,” she tells everyone. “That’s what happens when you have a godfather who is in charge of marketing for the album in Canada.” Adina runs her hand across the keys. “Anyway, here goes.”

Finnick and Annie stand up and walk onto the floor as Adina begins to play the slow tune.

_“All along it was a fever, a cold sweat hot-headed believer…”_

Adina’s voice has only improved since the last time I’ve heard her sing. She must have practiced for a while to get this song because her voice sounds richer.

I turn to Katniss. “Do you want to dance?”

She looks at me quizzically. “Dance?”

“Yes, that thing you do when you sway your body back and forth to a song,” I joke. “I haven’t danced with you since prom—I’m feeling nostalgic.” I know how pathetic I sound, but Katniss looks so beautiful. All I want to do is hold her, even if it’s only for a three minute song.

“Can’t you tell when someone is trying to be romantic?” Johanna tells her from where she sits. “Get off your chiffon ass and dance with him.”

I stand up quickly and hold my hand out to her. She looks up at me and sighs before taking my hand.

_“Not really sure how to feel about it…something in the way you move…”_

Together we walk to the dance floor where Annie and Finnick are dancing. They both smile and nod at us before returning their gazes to one another.

I twirl Katniss before pulling her close to me.

“Fancy,” she remarks, her cheeks red.

We look up at the stage and catch Adina’s eyes. She smiles as she plays and we are surprised when Thresh joins her onstage.

Raising a mic to his lips and much to our surprise, he begins to sing.

_“It's not much of a life you're living_   
_It's not just something you take – it's given…”_

“Did you know that he could sing?” I ask Katniss. Thresh is good—more than good, actually. His voice is strong and melodic.

“I’ve heard him once or twice with Adina,” she says to me, her voice strained.

As I hold her closer to me, I can smell her perfume—it’s light and floral. I’m also aware that her cheek is now pressed against mine and that her long neck is a breath away from my lips. I stifle my need to put my mouth against her neck.

I feel her chest relax against mine. And her mouth is so close to my ear…that if she wanted to she could cause me to fall apart by biting gently against my lobe.

Like she used to.

_“Ooh… the reason I hold on_   
_Ooh… ‘cause I need this hole gone…”_

“You feel that?” Katniss suddenly whispers into my ear. “It feels like--”

“What?” My arms tighten around her slender figure and Katniss sucks in her breath.

“Like something has completely and utterly changed between us,” she explains quietly. I can feel her heart beating rapidly against my chest.

_“Funny you're the broken one, but I'm the only one who needed saving_   
_‘Cause when you never see the light, it's hard to know which one of us is caving…”_

This is it. I pull away from her and take a deep breath before replying.

“Only if you want it to, Katniss.”

Like last night, she doesn’t reply.

* * *

 

Do you hate me? I know this was short.

The single, “Stay”, sung by Rihanna and Mikky Ekko, was not released until this year. However, Rihanna’s album “Unapologetic” was released on November 19, 2012 and did have this song on the album. I figured that Thresh had a little pull when it came to getting some sheet music for Adina.

Yes, before you ask—Katniss can’t have any more children. This will be talked about in later chapters.

Next: Peeta 1996 and…the conception will be happening in this chapter.

Until then, JLaLa


	16. Chapter Sixteen: 1996

Peeta, you little rascal…

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for taking time to make this pretty!

_See the west wind move like a lover so_   
_Upon the fields of barley_   
_Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth_   
_Among the fields of gold…_

_-Sting “Fields of Gold” (1993)_

Again

Chapter Sixteen: 1996

**_Wednesday, February 14, 1996_ **

“What are you doing here?”

Katniss stands in front of me in a pair of sweats and little white t-shirt. Her hair is pulled up in a messy bun and her nose is red from the cold that she’s been nursing.

“I came to take care of you,” I reply as she widens the door so I can walk into her house. I hold up a bag for her. “I brought soup.”

She crosses her arms and eyes the bag. “What kind of soup?”

“Wor wonton. I got it from your favorite place in the Mission,” I tell her and put an arm around her. Leading her to the couch, I make her sit down and kiss her warm forehead. “Rest. I’ll get you a bowl.”

After I place a blanket over her legs, I walk into the kitchen. The Everdeen kitchen is small but organized and I easily find the cabinet where the bowls are located. The fridge is full of funny little magnets with pictures. Most of them are of Katniss and Prim.

When I get back to the living room, Katniss has her eyes glued to the screen watching an episode of _The Jenny Jones Show_.

“Scoot over,” I tell her and she gives me a smile. Katniss scoots over slightly to tease me and I can’t help but grin. There’s something about her smile that gets me. I think I’d do anything for that smile. “Your soup is getting cold.”

“Fine,” she grumbles and moves.

I gently it down next to her and slowly hand Katniss the bowl. “Be careful,” I warn.

“Thank you,” she says quietly and takes the spoon that I hold out. “And Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“I thought you forgot,” I reply.

“You’re my first Valentine,” she tells me before taking a sip.

“I’m honored.”

“Am I your first Valentine?”

“Not counting my Mom?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t very into this holiday,” I say as she meets my eyes. “You look beautiful.”

She grimaces. “I’m sweating like a pig.”

I stare at her bare face. Her grey eyes look even bigger than usual. Her small smattering of freckles is slightly more prominent against her pale face, but she is otherwise gorgeous.

“Still—you’re beautiful.”

Katniss places her bowl on the coffee table in front of us and then looks at me. “Are you trying to get laid?”

“NO!” I jump from my seat.

She tugs at my hand to make me sit. “I was kidding.” Katniss runs a hand though my hair and I shiver as a flow of electricity travels through my body. Her lips graze mine. “How do you know I’m not trying to get laid?”

“I thought you were sick.”

“I’m just finishing my dose of antibiotics,” she says. “I’m fine. Just feeling gross.”

My lips find hers again and I groan when her hands grab my hair. She always seems to know how to get me going.  My own hands go to her waist and slowly work their way up until my thumbs graze the sides of her breasts. This time, she groans.

Finally, I yank my mouth away. “We should stop.” My chest is heaving while Katniss is also out of breath.

“I guess we should,” she says shakily. “I need to wash up—I’m going to take a shower.”

“Okay.” I inhale and close my eyes as I exhale. “I’ll be here after you’re done.”

“You could come with me.”

I open my eyes. “In the shower?”

“No, you could sit on the floor while I take the shower,” she answers back, her voice laced with sarcasm. Her face is flushed as she tries to avoid my eyes. “Or you could shower, too…with me.”

The living room goes quiet except for the sound of clapping coming from the talk show.

Is this it? Katniss and I have messed around. Gale almost killed me when he saw a hickey on her last week, but this could lead to sex. Suddenly, I’m nervous. I could totally mess this up.

“Peeta?”

I look up to see Katniss staring at me, her eyes concerned. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

I stand up and take her hand. Lacing an arm around her waist, I pull her to me so I can kiss her once more. Her lips willingly soften as I caress and then suck until her body is falling against mine. I can feel the heat coming off her and my body responds instinctively.

“Let’s go upstairs,” she whispers as soon as we pull apart. Her mouth is warm against my ear and I moan when she nips teasingly at it.

“You’re killing me,” I tell her as my mouth grazes her neck.

“I promise to make your last day memorable then,” she responds before taking my hand and leading me up the stairs.

I’ve never been upstairs. Occasionally, I’ve had dinner with the Everdeens. For my own safety, I’ve always stayed in the living room and far away from any place where Katniss’ Dad could quietly murder me.

Katniss opens the door that is opposite to her bedroom and we enter into a blue-tiled bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I turn and find myself face to face with Katniss.

“What do we do?” she asks nervously.

“You probably want to turn on the water.”

She turns red and smacks her forehead. “Oh yeah.”

Katniss laughs anxiously before going to faucet and turning it on. She then bends over to switch it to shower mode.

Turning to me, Katniss gives me a small smile. “Now what?”

“I guess… clothes off then.”

“You first,” she says to me quickly. “It’s Valentine’s Day and you have to do what I say.”

“Well, if that’s the case!” I unbutton the top buttons of the polo I’m wearing and pull it over my head. Then I slowly undo the button on my jeans and pull down the zipper. My jeans fall to the floor and I step out of them before pulling off my socks.

All the while Katniss watches, her eyes glazed over and I can feel my heart race against her stare.

The last piece of clothing I have on is my briefs.

“You’re making me nervous,” I tell her.

The room fills with steam as Katniss walks over to me. “Don’t be nervous.” She kisses the side of my neck and then rests her forehead against mine. “You’re much braver than me.”

My hands find the elastic band and I slide them off. I am now standing naked with Katniss only inches away from me.

I meet her eyes. “Your turn.”

She nods quickly before closing her eyes and pulling her shirt over her head. Then just as quickly, Katniss yanks her sweats down.

“Slow down,” I tell her. I reach over and cup her cheek. “We have time.”

“I’m even more nervous than you,” Katniss admits. “We’ve never gone this far. And I’m scared.”

“We don’t have to do this.” I take her hand. “You are beautiful and perfect,” I continue as I look into her eyes. “I love you.”

She takes a deep breath and grins. “I love you, too.” Her hands graze her stomach before she pulls down her panties. Straightening herself, she meets my eyes again.

Katniss is slender and her skin is a rich olive _everywhere_. My eyes first go to her long neck, then down to her smooth collarbone. Her breasts are neither too big nor too small, but my eyes mostly focus on her dusty rose nipples.

“You’re staring,” Katniss says, her voice strained and her eyes concentrated on my own body.

“So are you.” My eyes briefly look down at her small waist and wider hips until I focus on the cusp in-between her thighs. “Like I said, you’re beautiful.”

“The water is going to get cold.” Taking my hand, she pulls back the shower curtain. She steps in first and I follow.

I let her wet her hair first, watching the flow of water run down the curves of her body. I close my eyes, trying to calm my reaction. I don’t want her to think that I’m nothing but some horny boy.

My thoughts are interrupted by Katniss’ mouth finding mine. Her arms encircle my neck while my own arms wind around her waist as she pulls me under the shower head. Our mouths engulf one another as her tongue dances against my own.

I cry out when her hand reaches down and strokes me. My head drops against her shoulder as I try to stop myself from falling apart. Her hand, however, is sending shocks of pleasure through my body.

“I guess I found your weakness,” she says to me playfully.

 I look up at her and smile bashfully. “I thought you already knew what my weakness was.”

“What a line—“

I cut her off, my lips meeting hers again in a sloppy kiss. My hands begin to explore and I find my thumbs running themselves against her nipples, causing them to harden even though the water is blissfully warm. Katniss pulls away from my mouth and her strokes quicken against my hard length.

My body reacts and I fall to my knees in front of her. My hands reach for her thighs and I pull them apart gently. The water gives her skin a glowing sheen and my lips kiss the inside of one thigh as I lift the other one over my shoulder.

“What are you doing?” she asks unsteadily.

I look up at her. “Experimenting.”

I suck the soft flesh on the inside of her thigh before I look in-between. I’ve never examined anything so closely before. Past the wiry, dark hair, I can see a slight glisten coming from further inside.

Carefully, I move her thigh off my shoulder and spread her thighs apart further. My hand reaches and cups her mound and I slowly slide a finger inside her. Her body reacts and I can feel her insides tighten against my finger.

It’s exciting to get this reaction from her. My Katniss, who is so strong in front of everyone else, is falling apart by the slight movement of my finger.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“I think we’re done with the shower,” she tells me, her chest heaving. “Let’s go to my room.”

I nod as she holds out her hand to help me up. Turning off the water, Katniss gets out first and hands me a towel. I wrap it around my waist before getting out of the shower.

Getting out, I see that Katniss has wrapped a towel around her body. She takes my hand again to lead me to her room. When we are out in the hallway, she turns and kisses me roughly. Her towel falls slightly so that her bare chest is pressed against mine. I move us forward into the open door of her room and then close the door.

The click of the door stops our movements. This is it.

Katniss moves away from me, her hair still dripping as she slowly steps back. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the image of graceful movement towards her bed. She places the towel on the bed and then turns to me.

“I heard that you bleed the first time,” she stammers out and then looks down.

Walking over, I sit next to her and lift her chin. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I can see the nervousness in her eyes.

“I want to,” Katniss replies. “I want you—more than anything. Don’t you want me?”

“Of course.” I kiss her gently. “We wanted it to be special, right?”

Katniss grins. “Nothing is more special than Valentine’s Day, right? At least that’s what Hallmark is telling us.”

“Lay back,” I tell her quietly. Katniss listens and lies back against her pillow, her wet hair fanning out in thick tendrils around her. “Close your eyes.” She nods and does what I tell her.

Leaning down, I kiss her gently. She responds and bites my lips. I gasp as I pull away and my mouth travels behind her ear, then down her neck. My lips travel down to her collarbone, then down to her chest where my lips grasp a nipple and I taste. As her hands grab at my hair, I cover her body with mine.

I push myself up. “So here we are.”

“Yup,” she replies and then laughs quietly. “I didn’t think this would so awkward.”

“Well, movies really make it look good,” I tell her. “Let’s just go slowly.” She nods. “I’m going to—you know.”

“Okay,” she says quickly.

Slowly, I get on my knees in front of her and she wraps her legs around my waist. I move forward until I am almost meeting her inside.

“Ready?” I ask.

“I’m ready.” Katniss reaches up and caresses my cheek.

I move forward, slowly pushing myself inside her and Katniss gasps. Her body tightens around me.

“Relax.” Katniss takes a deep breath and I move forward, feeling her barrier.

I lay my body down over hers and kiss her gently. “I love you,” I tell Katniss as I move forward and push through her resisting flesh. She cries out and her arms clutch my back quickly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” I feel horrible despite the pleasure coursing through my body.

She shakes her head and smiles in spite of her discomfort. “It had to be done and I’m glad that it was with you.” Katniss grimaces in pain. “Give me a second.”

I nod and kiss her softly. “Thank you for letting me be your first.”

It’s at the tip of my tongue to tell her that I also want her to be my last.

“You can move,” she finally says. Moving her hips up, Katniss moans and it’s not in pain. It’s something else.

I kiss her as I begin to move against her. She responds, meeting my thrusts until I can’t seem to hold back.

“I won’t last much longer, Katniss,” I say against her mouth.

I wanted it to be perfect and to make her come. However, the feeling of her wrapped around me is more than I can handle.

“It’s okay,” she replies as we move together. “There are going to be many more opportunities to do this.”

Pulling me down, she kisses me before moving away and letting her lips travel up my neck.

When she reaches my ear, she bites down hard and I come undone at the pain and pleasure of it.

“Katniss!” I call out and I am gasping for breath in the aftermath of it all.

She draws me to her chest and rubs my back. “After that first part, it didn’t hurt that much.”

I look up at her and smile. “You’re just saying that.” I rest my chin against her sweaty skin.

“No, really,” Katniss tells me. “It actually started to feel really good after…” She stops as a yawn escapes her mouth.

I sit up quickly and move off of her. “You’re exhausted because you’re still sick. Scoot over and you can rest against me.”

Katniss tiredly moves so I have some room. Putting an arm around her, she lays her head against my chest. We’re silent as we contemplate what just happened between us.

“I love you, Katniss,” I say as I pull her close. “I want this to be forever. Do you think that it might be?”

When she doesn’t respond, I look down to find her asleep.

Grinning to myself, I pull a blanket over us before succumbing to my own exhaustion.

++++++

“Katniss? Are you okay?”

In my groggy state, I can hear a feminine voice calling from outside the door. An urgent knock follows and I finally wake up.

_Oh, shit._

I look at Katniss, who is sound asleep on my chest. Carefully, I move her off me and onto her pillow. Slowly, I tiptoe towards the door.

“Katniss,” the voice calls out again and I recognize it as Johanna’s.

I also realize that I am very naked.

Carefully, I unlock the door and open it a crack. Johanna’s eyes bug out when she sees me. Thresh, who stands behind her, raises his eyebrows.

“Hey guys,” I greet them as calmly as I can. “What’s up?”

Johanna tries to peek through the crack and then grins wickedly at me.

“Peeta, are you naked?” she asks, her voice full of glee.

“I’m going to be sick,” Thresh mumbles to himself.

“If you’re going to vomit in the bathroom, can you please get my clothes?” I ask him quietly. “I need to get out of here before Prim gets home.”

“She’s already home,” Thresh responds. “She’s downstairs wondering why your car is parked across the street. I picked her up when I picked Rue up. It’s a good thing we did, too.”

“I am begging you,” I tell them. “Please give me my clothes.”

Johanna raises her hand. “Let me!” She dashes into the bathroom and comes out with my clothes in her arms. I reached for them but she pulls away. “JOHANNA!”

“Peeta?” I look over to see Katniss waking up. “What’s going on?”

I managed to yank my jeans from Johanna and close the door before she can get in.

“Johanna and Thresh are here,” I inform her. “So is Prim. Get dressed quickly.”

She takes a moment to process what I’m telling her before jumping up from the bed and running to her dresser. Taking a pair of sweats and a t-shirt out, she pulls everything on in a flash as I zip up my jeans.

“I can’t believe I fell asleep,” she moans. I grab her hand as she walks past me and pull her in for a hug. She hugs me back. “Clearly, this wasn’t how I wanted to bask in the afterglow of our first time.”

“What did you want to do?” I ask and kiss her forehead.

“I wanted to lie in your arms and talk about our hopes and dreams. Then do it again.”

“Sounds like a great plan,” I tell her. “We have a lot of time and many other chances to do this again.”

She nods before walking over to the door and opening it. Johanna stands before us with the rest of my clothes.

“I like your Calvin Klein briefs, Peeta,” Johanna says to me. “I actually pictured you as more of a flannel boxers man, though.”

“Give those back,” Katniss demands and yanks them from her friend’s hand.

“Are you going to keep them?”

“Shut up, Jo-Jo.”

“You guys totally did it,” she teases. “Tell me, Katniss. Is he as wholesome as he looks?”

Katniss blushes and I put an arm around her protectively.

“Enough with the teasing, Johanna,” I say. “Prim is downstairs, probably wondering what is going on—“

“Katniss, are you okay?” It’s Prim. She looks at her sister, then at me. “Why is Peeta shirtless?”

“Because Johanna is being annoying,” I tell her and Johanna makes an ‘L’ with her thumb and index finger.

Prim looks confused and she turns to Katniss. “What’s going on?”

“You guys should probably go,” Katniss says to everyone. “Prim and I need to talk.” She gives me an apologetic smile. “I’ll call you tonight.”

I give her a farewell kiss and say goodbye to Prim. Taking my shirt from Johanna, I walk down the stairs. A rush of footsteps follows and I turn to see Thresh and Johanna coming down after me.

“Wait a minute, loverboy.” I turn to Thresh. “We all need to talk.”

“I’m not going to talk about this with you,” I tell them. “This is between me and Katniss.”

“Well, Katniss is like a sister to us,” he responds testily. “And if you do care about her, I suggest that you be at my house in twenty minutes or we can go to yours.”

“Where I will be as loud as I want,” Johanna adds. “I’m sure you don’t want that.”

“Fine,” I look at each of them. “I’ll see you in twenty minutes.”

++++++

“We need to know what your intentions are,” Thresh says as he hands me a can of root beer. He sits across from me on the loveseat next to Johanna.

“We also need to know how the sex was,” Johanna adds as she tears her eyes from the television screen to look at me. “Are Katniss’ breasts as teeny-tiny as they look?”

“Are we really going to talk about this while you watch ‘The Grind’?” I ask her.

“Why? All this gyrating getting you hot and bothered?”

“I love Katniss,” I tell them. “I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. Plus, I wasn’t the one who initiated the showering together thing.”

“That little slut,” Johanna says with a smile. “I’m going to tease her so bad about that—“

“Don’t, please,” I plead. “That was our first time. I don’t want you to make her feel ashamed of it. It was special.” I find my lip curving into a smile. “I don’t think I want to be with anyone else but her for the rest of my life.”

“Slow down there, Ponyboy,” Thresh says. “Let’s all graduate first before you make any declarations like that.”

“I know how I sound,” I say to Thresh. “But trust that I’m in this for the long haul.”

Thresh stares at me for a moment before responding. “This is going to bite me in the ass later, but for some reason, I believe you.”

++++++

**_Saturday, February 24, 1996_ **

_Napa, California_

“Wake up, sleepyhead.”

I wake up to find Katniss staring at me from her side of the bed. Annie and Finnick found it appropriate to have us share a bed.

It was their ‘congratulations on the sex’ present to us.

Katniss spent the next week after that first time still sick and back on her antibiotics. Somehow, her deflowering had caused her immune system to fall apart. I felt horrible after that and tried to keep myself from touching her until she felt better.

It also didn’t help that every time that I came to the house, Prim would turn red and refuse to look me in the eye. Apparently, Katniss had an impromptu ‘birds and bees’ talk with her.

“You’re up early,” I say and run a hand through her hair. Pulling her down for a kiss, I close my eyes again, enjoying the feel of her mouth against mine.

Katniss pulls away after a moment. “I have a full day planned for us.”

“Does the plan include this bed?”

She sits up and then hits me with her pillow. I cover myself in defense, laughing as I do.

“I’ve been in bed for a week because of you,” she tells me. “I am not staying in one today.”

“You win,” I say. “You deserve a day out after being stuck at home.”

“Just because we aren’t spending the day in bed, it doesn’t mean that anything won’t happen.”

With that, she heads off to the guest bathroom but not before winking at me.

++++++

**_Sonoma, California_ **

“Where are we going?” I ask as Katniss pulls me through the yellowing grapevines.

February is when the vineyards are mostly bare or full of golden vines. It is too cold for grapes to grow, but there is something beautiful about looking at the rolling hills chock-full of these old vines.

We spent most of our day exploring downtown Sonoma before finding our way off the regular road. Annie’s family owns an old pickup truck that we borrowed for the day. Katniss was the one who drove and I relished in watching her hair fly behind her as she drove with the window open. She loves feeling the wind through her hair.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. I just want it to be us here forever. Just Katniss and I walking through old vineyards—I don’t mind not knowing what’s going to happen. I know that wherever she is, that’s where I want to be.

I am hopelessly in love with this girl. I don’t know when it happened, but somehow I find myself already in the middle of it.

“You’ll see,” she replies with a grin. Her hair is loose, as she had somehow lost the sloppy braid that it was in between our drive to here from Napa.

I watch her skirt move against her thighs. She is wearing a burgundy colored dress with small flowers printed all over it, along with a jean vest. I opted to wear a simple t-shirt and khakis, which are my usual weekend clothes.

The sun is setting but it is still warm, which according to her, is strange for this time of year.

“Close your eyes,” she says to me and I oblige. Slowly, we walk a few paces before I hear her voice in my ear again. “Okay, open your eyes.”

I open them to find a blanket and picnic basket on the ground. We are surrounded by tall grapevines interwoven along wooden supports. We stand in the only empty spot.

“If you walk up that hill,” she says, pointing north, “You will see nothing but fields. We are surrounded by them.”

“So there’s no one here but me and you?” I ask and she nods teasingly.

“Let’s play a game,” she says suddenly. “You have to find me.”

I nod obligingly and smile. “How?”

She walks away from me and into the vineyards. I watch her go further in until she has disappeared into the thicket.

“I’ll leave clues,” she yells out.

I take off in her direction and listen for her movements. It is tricky because of the feeling of endlessness among the fields. Sometimes I hear her behind me, then off to my right.

I follow the sounds until I find my first clue: her jean vest. Picking it up, I keeping walking and listening for the small sounds of my girlfriend—anything that will lead me in her direction. I move left when I hear a snort of laughter and am rewarded with her shoes placed neatly on the ground.

“Find me, Peeta!”

Her voice is clear so I know she’s near. I take off running when I hear the rush of movement to my right. I can hear her laughter as I run further in. A flash of burgundy catches the corner of my eyes and I run towards it. Soon, I am only a few feet away from her, running to catch her. She turns and grins as she continues to sprint away. In front of us, the sun begins to hit the vineyard causing a spray of gold light to hit my eyes.

I catch up soon after and my arms capture her waist. The force of my running into her causes us to fall to ground. Katniss is laughing and I don’t think I could ever forget how wide her smile is. She is so happy to be out here, running barefoot with her hair free.

I don’t realize that she is straddling me on the ground because I am so focused her laughing face. My hand reaches up to cup her cheek and she quiets. Quickly, I turn us so that she is lying on the soft ground.

“You’re beautiful,” I say softly as I look down at her. Leaning down, I kiss her and as I deepen the kiss, I can her feel her chest rise up to press against mine. I reach under her arched back so that I can maneuver her back to the top.

Katniss looks down at my prone body and tucks her hair behind her ear. Gracefully, her hands move over my clothed chest, then down to my stomach. When she does it again, she pulls the bottom hem of my shirt up so that I can remove it.

“Now that you have me, what are you going to do with me?” I ask as I look into her eyes.

She doesn’t respond. Instead, she pulls her dress over her head and tosses it away.

Katniss isn’t wearing a bra and I look up at her bare chest. My hands cup her breasts, thumbing her already hard nipples as I do. Slowly, she gets on her knees still straddling me and unbuttons my khakis. Her hand then reaches to draw my zipper down and I lift my hips to remove the cumbersome piece of clothing, along with my briefs.

I lay naked before her. Her eyes roam my body before she stands up and pulls off the pale blue panties that she’s wearing. Slowly, Katniss falls to her knees over me and my hands reach for her hips so I can guide her.

Bit by bit, she sinks onto my hard length and we both moan when I am fully inside her. Her eyes meet mine and I can see the hunger in their depths. Pulling her up again, I stop when only my tip is inside her before pushing her back down roughly.

“Oh, God,” she cries out. “Again!”

We continue in this rhythm, her rising and falling on me. The feeling of being enveloped in her warmth causes me to cry out when she plants her hands on my chest so that she can grind against me.

Katniss is seeking completion and I want to give it to her. After kissing me, her breasts brush close to my lips and I take one into my mouth while pinching the other one. Her hips press even tighter against mine so that she can grind her clit against my hips. Her moans are unrestrained in the empty field.

It doesn’t matter; no one can hear this but us.

“Peeta, I’m going to---“ Katniss doesn’t continue because she cries out suddenly and her insides are grasping me so tightly that I can’t help but fall apart, too. I shatter, pushing up and releasing myself inside her. She falls against me. “Oh, God…”

“That was….” I can’t finish and she laughs into my chest. I wrap my arms around her, even though I am shaking and sweaty.

“Intense,” she says breathlessly. “It was intense.”

Our eyes meet and we are both laughing again, the sounds carrying through the empty, golden fields.

++++++

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Katniss asks me as her head rests against my chest. The lone lamp is our only light in the dark field. After we recovered, Katniss and I found our way back to the empty field to eat the sandwiches that were packed for us as we watched the sky darken.

“I want to take pictures,” I reply as I look up at the star-filled sky. You don’t see this sky in the city. “I want people to look at a photo and be able to tell that I took it.” I pull her closer to me. “What about you?”

“I don’t know,” she says. “I guess I’m good at the computer thing, but I don’t know if I’m that passionate about anything--except for you, of course.” I smile into her soft hair. Katniss goes silent for a moment. “What will happen to us?”

“We go to school and see each other in-between,” I tell her. “My parents did that and it worked out for them.”

“Easier said than done,” she says softly.

“It’s always possible,” I reason with her. “I’ll get my degree and you’ll get yours, then I’ll come back.” I hear her yawning and my mouth echoes her action. I feel the tiredness setting in. “Katniss?”

“Hmm?” I can hear the sleepiness in her voice.

“Do you think when I come back—that you might want to marry me?” My eyes grow heavy though I fight it to hear her answer.

I swear before I drift off to sleep I hear her response.

“Yes.”

* * *

 

I love this image of them falling asleep together in a vineyard. So romantic!

Notes:

‘The Jenny Jones Show’ was a talk show that ran from September 1991 to September 2003. It was really known for the makeover shows or the talent ones. You might remember the controversy regarding an episode about same-sex crushes where a man admitted that he had a crush on his male best friend and was later murdered by the same man who he had admitted having a crush on.

‘The Grind’ was an MTV dance show which ran from June 1992 to November 1997. It was hosted for a while by Eric Nies (from ‘The Real World’) before he was replaced with various other hosts.

‘Ponyboy’ refers to the protagonist of one of my favorite books, ‘The Outsiders’.

Sonoma and Napa are about 20 minutes away from one another and it is difficult to distinguish the difference, though I like Sonoma better.

So when do you think Katniss got pregnant? Does it really matter? Because as of this chapter, she is now pregnant.

Poor Prim, she was scarred a bit after that sex talk with Katniss.

Next: Katniss 2012

Hope you enjoyed the chapter!

-JLaLa


	17. Chapter Seventeen: 2012

Almost the end of Part One!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for making it all pretty! She’s the best.

_You said, "You caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go.”_   
_You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose…_   
_And you say, "Stay."_

_-Lisa Loeb “Stay” (1994)_

Again

Chapter Seventeen:  2012

“You didn’t say anything? Are you stupid or something?”

I put down my mug and glare before answering. “Stupid is as stupid does.”

“Don’t you dare try to ‘Gump’ me, Katniss Everdeen!” Johanna scolds. “This man, the father of your child, basically tells you that he’s still in love with you—and you say NOTHING!” She puts her head in her hands.  “Sometimes I don’t know why I even bother with your dumb ass.”

“Because you love me,” I reply simply. She looks at me for a moment and sighs.

Johanna and I have always had a way of communicating without words. I think it’s only increased since Adina was born. She always knows her limits when it comes to pushing me. However, her frustration in me is palpable and I don’t blame her.

I’m frustrated with myself.

I won’t lie—I missed Peeta. Being here with him and watching him with Adina has only made me yearn for a life where I didn’t watch him leave. It’s made me want a life where I asked him to stay with me and raise our child together.

Then I remember that day in the Sonoma vineyard—the day that Adina was conceived and how he had talked about his dreams. Something inside me tells me that I wasn’t wrong because he got everything that he wanted.

Everyone knows when a photo is a ‘Peeta Mellark’ photo.

As for me, I feel the same way that I felt when I was in the vineyard. I wasn’t passionate about anything in particular—just him, and now Adina.

Other memories rise up in me.  Memories of arguments and tears, and watching a car drive away from my home…

“Katniss?” I look up at Johanna and see that her eyes are heavy with concern. ”Why are you crying, love?”

I wipe my eyes quickly and am surprised to see my hand wet. “I am?”

“You know I didn’t mean it, right?” She takes my hand. “You’re not stupid. It’s just that sometimes I think you’ve been trying to prove something to yourself.”

“What?”

“That you don’t need anyone but Adina to be happy,” she says. “And it’s true, you don’t need anyone but her to be happy… but she’ll be leaving—and then what?”

“Then she’s gone,” I tell her. “The thing is, Johanna—it has to be more than just needing Peeta to stay because I don’t want to be alone or because we have a child together. I have to _want_ him. There has to be something more than just necessity.”

“Like what?”

“Like love.”

Johanna meets my eyes again. “Do you think you still love Peeta?”

“Johanna, you know me better than I know myself sometimes. Do you think I’ve ever stopped?”

She doesn’t reply, but her face breaks out into a wide grin.

It feels good to have someone know me so well.

++++++

“Mom?” I look up from my laptop to see Adina at my doorway. “Can we talk?”

“Sure. Hop in,” I tell her and pat my mattress. Smiling, she jumps onto the bed and sits Indian style in front of me. Adina always did this when she was a little girl. It’s hard for me to realize that although she might do some things like she did when she was a kid, Adina isn’t a little girl anymore. “What’s going on?”

Playing with a strand of her hair for a moment, she looks up at me shyly before speaking. “How do you know when you love someone?” she asks, her face flushed.

I smile at her gently and then lift her chin. “Adina, do you think you love Bailey?”

Bailey is her boyfriend. He’s a nice kid and I’ve known him since he and Adina were in Gymboree together. But they’re young—and I know that not every couple in high school will make it.

Then I realize that she could be asking me this for a completely different reason. I can’t believe that it’s come to this.

“Adina, are you thinking of being…uh…intimate with him?”

“MOM!” Adina puts her face in her hands.

“You’re asking me about love and I just thought that you might be thinking of taking your relationship to that next level,” I manage to say. “I can’t tell you not to, sweetie, because I obviously didn’t wait.”

“Do you regret having me?” she asks quietly.

I lift her chin. “No, never! I wouldn’t change the last seventeen years for anything.”

“Maybe you could’ve changed one thing.” Adina smiles softly. “You could’ve told Peeta about me.”

“I could have, but there were things that stopped me,” I say.

“Like Grandma?”

I nod and turn away. My mother is still a sore subject for me. Prim has learned to forgive, but I can’t seem to find the strength to do the same.

“There were other things,” I continue. “Your father was a dreamer. I guess one of us had to be and it just didn’t seem right asking him to stay.”

“And now?” she asks. “Could you ask him to stay?” Her eyes are the same color as mine, but the earnestness in them is all Peeta.

That dreamer that I love is in her.

“I don’t know,” I reply honestly.

“When will you know?” she asks.

“I’ll know when the time is right, just like you’ll know when you are in love.” I pull her in for a hug. “I just hope that when the time comes, you’ll make better choices than I did.”

She snuggles against me, her head on my shoulder. “The same goes for you, too, Mom.”

++++++

**_Napa, California_ **

“She asked me about love yesterday,” I tell Peeta as we sit on the balcony of Annie and Finnick’s house.

Peeta is housesitting while they take a long weekend for their honeymoon. After they come back, they’ll begin bringing their things over from Los Angeles.

He smiles at me. “And what did you tell her?”

“I told her that when she falls in love, she will just know,” I reply. “That was the best advice I could give her.”

“It’s a difficult question to answer,” he says to me as he looks out into the vineyard. Peeta turns to me, his eyes blue and brilliant. When did they start looking that way to me again? “I think from personal experience, we can say that we knew right away.”

“Did we?”

“I did.” His face flushes. “Since that first day in Miss Trinket’s class—I was nervous coming to a new school but when I looked at you, I knew that I was home.”

“I was home for you?” I bite my lip when I feel that familiar sting of tears. I don’t want to cry, but I can’t help it.

Peeta sees my reaction to his words and suddenly shoots up from his seat. “Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“Just trust me.”

“What about Adina?” I ask. She is in downtown Sonoma, shopping for her Winter Ball dress with Thresh and Johanna.

“She’ll be fine,” he assures me and holds out his hand.

Tentatively, I take it. Hand in hand, we walk downstairs and out of the house where Annie’s old pickup truck is parked. I feel my insides clench.

“Do you want to drive?” he asks me. “I know how much you love to drive the pick-up.”

I shake my head because I’m overwhelmed. I’m also scared, which I haven’t been in a long time. How does he have the ability to do this to me?

Peeta seems to understand because he lets go of my hand to open the passenger door for me. I hop in quickly and he closes the door, giving me a smile before heading over to his side. Once Peeta is in the driver’s seat, he turns the key and I feel the old truck’s familiar rumble.

I already know where we’re going as we head down the highway. The rolling hills and landmarks haven’t changed a bit. When we make a familiar turn, I almost regret agreeing to this.

“Close your eyes,” he says to me once we’ve stopped.

“I know where we are.” I can’t help but smile at his expression. I see that same face on Adina sometimes—so earnest and sweet.

“Just indulge me,” Peeta urges and so I close my eyes.

Somehow, I manage to not fall as he walks with me through the soft ground. The walk feels like forever.

“Okay, open your eyes,” he whispers in my ear and I shiver instinctively at his warm breath against my ear.

I open my eyes to the bare vines. They aren’t orange, but instead a dark brown. It’s winter, which means the vineyards are mostly bare and dark.

“It looks different from before,” I say simply and walk over to a familiar post. “I used to come here before…when I was pregnant with Adina.” I bend down and point to a notch in the wood post. “See?”

Peeta kneels down to look before turning back to me. “Why would you come here?”

“I felt that I had made the wrong decision,” I tell him. “I felt like that as I grew bigger. I would come back and remember how we used to talk about our dreams. You wanted to take photos—and what did I want? Nothing… except you and our daughter. I came to remind myself that even if it was wrong, I couldn’t let you come back. You needed to succeed and we would have held you back.”

“But—“

“As much as you say we wouldn’t have, we would,” I say. “If it hadn’t been for my Dad and Prim, I would’ve quit State. And as much as Johanna and Thresh tried to help, I couldn’t let them take on my responsibility, either. It was hard to be a freshman in college with a newborn. I couldn’t put you through that.”

“Did you ever think that we would’ve found a way to make it work?” he asks.

“I know how it feels to be someone’s burden and inconvenience.” My eyes close in pain. “To be someone’s regret. I couldn’t do that to you and I couldn’t risk Adina becoming that to you.”

“Oh, Katniss…” We both stand up. “She really did a number on you.”

“I survived, but I was a little more cautious about who I let in after that.”

“You have to forgive and let go,” Peeta tells me.

“So do you—you have to forgive me, too,” I reply. “Even if it’s not right away—for Adina’s sake.”

Lifting my chin, Peeta looks into my eyes before speaking. “Kiss me.”

“What?”

His face is so close to mine that I can smell the Riesling wine on his breath. “Kiss me.”

“Close your eyes,” I find myself telling him.

Peeta smiles before closing his eyes. Taking a deep breath, I decide to quickly brush my lips against his. However, that slight taste of him leaves me wanting more.

The second time I kiss him is harder and this time, I give him plenty of time to respond. Peeta pulls me close against his hard body and my arms encircle his neck. When I open my mouth, his tongue gently caresses mine. My lower half tightens and I realize just how much I want him.

Hell, I ache for him.

A rush of iciness hits me and I pull away. Then I am crying—no, sobbing is more like it.

“This was a mistake! I’m sorry!”

Before Peeta can respond, I am off, running to the truck.

++++++

“Katniss, what are you doing here?”

My Dad opens the door and I rush into my childhood home, the home where I gave myself to Peeta.

“I just wanted to say hi,” I tell him simply. “Where’s Portia?”

Portia is my Dad’s longtime girlfriend. She was in her early thirties when I first met her; she’s a lot younger than Dad, but they seem to work. She and Dad began dating right around the time Adina celebrated her first birthday. It took some time to get used to her, but now I see how good she’s been for him.

Adina actually calls her ‘Grandma’—a title that should have been my Mom’s.

“She’s in the kitchen,” he replies and then looks at me again. “Darling, you look sick.”

Portia walks in, all dark skin and big almond eyes, and flashes a grin. “Katniss, baby, how are you?” she asks, giving me a hug. “Where’s Adina?”

“She’s with her father,” I tell her.

Portia frowns when she sees my expression. “That must be hard for you. Sit down, let’s all talk.”

Together, we walk to kitchen and Dad pulls out a seat for me. Portia puts a mug in front of me--black tea with lemon—which is my favorite. She knows me better than my Mom ever did.

“I was thinking about that day,” I start. “The day she left.”

“Oh sweetheart, you can’t keep torturing yourself over what she said,” Dad tells me as he puts his hand over mine. “She was angry at me and I know the things she said to you—she didn’t mean them.”

“You don’t understand, Dad!” I put my head in my hands. “Those words have burned in my mind for years. I never understood why until today.” I look at both of them. “What she said to me—it was the reason I let him go.”

“Him?” he asks.

Portia nods understandingly. “Peeta.”

“I was so afraid to be like her… or that in time I would become her that I let him go,” I tell them. “I let the man I love go.”

“He’s leaving soon. What will you do then?” my Dad asks.

I look up at them, my eyes stinging with tears. “I don’t know.”

++++++

**_Two days later-SFO Airport_ **

Peeta and Adina walk towards the security checkpoint. I walk behind them, not wanting to ruin their last moments together.

The past two days have been filled with awkward silences and stares. The awkward silences from me and the stares from him; we haven’t talked since that day in the vineyard.

When I came home from my Dad’s house, Peeta had already gone to bed. He spent the rest of his time with Adina, but never looked at me unless he had to. However, when he did —his eyes were expressionless. I couldn’t blame him.

It seems like I’m always saying goodbye to him.

_It doesn’t have to be this way._

We stop at the security checkpoint and Peeta turns to Adina. The look on our daughter’s face is heartbreaking.

“I will see you soon,” he says to her. “I promise.”

Adina bursts into tears. “Do you have to go?” she asks in-between her sobs. “It feels like I’m losing you all over again!”

Peeta pulls her closer and kisses the side of her head. “I love you so much, Adina.” He meets my eyes and I can see that he is also close to tears.

“I love you, too, Dad,” she replies into his shoulder.

They pull away from one another and Adina manages a watery grin.

“That’s the first time you’ve called me that,” Peeta says in a choked voice.

“I know,” she says sadly. ”I should’ve said it sooner.”

“No, you did it when the time was right,” he replies gruffly. “Which makes it that much harder for me to say goodbye.” Peeta meets my eyes. “Take care of your mother.”

Walking over to where I am, Peeta puts his arms around me.  “Take care of our girl.”

“I will.” He briefly brushes his lips against mine. The touch of him causes a rush of electricity to run through me.

I can’t breathe and I can feel Adina standing next to me. Everything around us becomes a slow blur along with the sounds, which have morphed into a slow buzz.

Everything becomes clear and we’re standing there, watching the man that we love leave—

“Don’t go.” I don’t even realize that those words have come out of my mouth.

Peeta turns to us and places the bag that he’s holding on the ground. His eyes look confused but there’s something else in them, too. 

I think it’s hope.

“What?” he asks me.

“Stay,” I tell him. “I can’t watch you leave me again. I made this same mistake once before and let you go because I was scared of what would happen.”

“And now?”

“I don’t know,” I say truthfully. Walking up to him, I meet his eyes. “I just know that I don’t want you to go!” I look over at Adina who is beaming at us. “WE don’t want you to go.”

Peeta remains silent for a moment.

“Say something, Dad!” He’s taken too long to answer for our impatient daughter. Adina claps her hands over her mouth after her outburst.

He gives her a smile and then looks at me again seriously. “Are we going to really do this?”

“Whatever this is, I’m in,” I tell him. “If you’ll have me.”

Peeta takes my face in his hands and then he is kissing me. I don’t know how long we are in each other’s arms, but when we pull away I’m breathless and smiling so hard and know that my face will hurt later on. Adina has turned around, embarrassed that her parents are making out by a security checkpoint while passengers watch.

 

Peeta picks up his bag, winks at Adina and puts his arm around me. “Let’s go home.”

* * *

 

Have you died of squishy romantic feelings yet?

I know that this is short again, but the next chapter will definitely be longer.

Yes, Portia has made an appearance but you’re probably wondering where Cinna is. He’ll make his debut soon enough.

Next: Katniss-1996, this chapter will take place in May of 1996—graduation, the pregnancy and goodbyes.

Thanks for reading!

-JLaLa


	18. Chapter Eighteen: 1996

The last chapter of Part One…I can’t believe it.

The characters of The Hungry Game Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for being such an awesome beta!

_A thousand other boys could never reach you_  
 _How could I have been the one?_  
 _I saw the world spin beneath you_  
 _And scatter like ice from the spoon that was your womb…_

_-Goo Goo Dolls “Black Balloon” (1998)_

Again

Chapter Eighteen: 1996

**_Friday, May 17, 1996_ **

Steam fills the bathroom as I sit and wait. Behind me, the tub fills with water because I’m pretending to take a bath instead of taking a pregnancy test.

Three minutes. That’s all this test needs.

However, something inside of me already knows that I’m pregnant. Call it motherly instinct.

Also, I could barely fit into my prom dress last week. My dress was a black empire waist tulle gown and it was when it hit the chest area that I had an issue. I had chalked it up to premenstrual bloating. It was while Prim was trying to zip me up that I realized I hadn’t had my period in several _weeks_.

How could I not notice?

Maybe it was because I was too busy finishing up the last of my classes and deciding what classes I would be taking for my first semester at State. Or maybe it was because I was too busy doing it with Peeta to notice that I had never ‘surfed the crimson wave.’

I know that I was irregular before, but the birth control pills had regulated my period. So I should’ve caught on sooner.

I’m so stupid.

My three minutes are up.

Getting up from where I sit on the edge of the tub, I walk over to the counter. Picking it up, I turn the test over and put my hand on the counter to steady myself.

I knew I was pregnant, but seeing the dark pink plus sign is the final nail in the coffin.

My mouth falls open but I can barely breathe. All I can hear is the sound of rushing water as the tub fills.

This can’t be happening.

I choke back a sob and cover my mouth to keep myself from crying out.

“No, no, no…” I whisper to myself. “It can’t be!”

Suddenly, my stomach lurches and I’m vomiting into the bathroom sink as I cry. Salty tears mix in with the sour taste in my mouth.

How will I tell my parents? My friends?

Oh, God. How will I tell Peeta?

Taking the test, I wrap it in toilet paper and put it in the garbage. If I can’t see it, maybe it’s not actually happening.

Wow. Not only am I pregnant, I’m also delusional.

++++++

**_Napa, California_ **

**_Sunday, May 19, 1996_ **

“What do you guys want to do?” Peeta asks our group.

“I have a suggestion!” Johanna says, waving her hand in the air.

I groan. “We are not going to see _Twister_ again,” I tell her. I got so nauseous during some of the sequences that I almost threw up into my bucket of popcorn.

Annie and Finnick, who are sitting next to each other, nod in agreement. Both of them are slightly buzzed. Finnick is lazily wrapping a tendril of Annie’s hair around his finger as she lays her head on his shoulder.

“Shouldn’t we be more excited?” Thresh asks. “I mean, we are graduating in a week.” He pulls Johanna up on her feet, much to Gale’s annoyance. He sits in the corner of the room—his eyes following my best friend’s every move.

Johanna runs over to the stereo system before settling on a song. Peeta guffaws at her choice.

_“You gotta get your groove on, before you go get paid_  
 _So tip up your cup and throw your hands up_  
 _And let me hear the party say…”_

“I’m kinda buzzed and it’s all because…this is how we do it!” Johanna sings as she begins to gyrate. Dancing over to me, she pulls me up to join her. Reluctantly, I dance with her while Thresh goes to the radio to turn the song up. Annie jumps up from the couch and dances around us.

As we dance, Peeta walks over and takes my hand. Twirling me towards him, we begin to dance together. Annie runs over to Gale and pulls him up to dance. Gale has always indulged her, so he allows her dance around him, too. Finnick and Thresh sing the lyrics together, trying to see who knows more of the song.

When Peeta twirls me again, I laugh but stop when I feel my stomach lurch.

Oh, no—not now.

“Are you okay?” he asks and I nod. I still haven’t gotten up the courage to tell him. “Let’s go outside.”

Okay, I’m just going to tell him—right now.

Together, we step out onto the back porch of the house and Peeta leads me to a lawn chair. I sit and lay back. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and when I open them, I see Peeta watching me with a curious expression.

“Feeling better?” he asks with a grin.

I nod and pat the space next to me.  “Lie down with me.”

Peeta sits and then lays back. Somehow, my head finds its way to his chest. The moment is perfect. It’s just the two of us.

Well, technically, three of us.

It feels strange to think of it as a third person. Somehow, I already thought of it as a baby when it couldn’t be any bigger than a school eraser for all I knew. I tried to read up on it at the library but I was worried that I’d get caught. And I couldn’t look it up on our computer at home because I knew that there was a chance that my Dad would see it on our browser history.

It’s going to get bigger, that’s about all I know.

And I need to tell Peeta.

“Where are you?” he asks. I shiver, feeling his breath against my ear. Not only am I nauseous, hungry and sore in parts of my body—there’s also this heat. This coiling want that grows in the pit of my stomach whenever Peeta touches or gets anywhere near me. My body physically reacts to him. I wanted him before, but the feeling has grown tenfold.

I turn to look at him and our lips brush against one another. My thoughts fall apart and instead, that coil breaks and I am pulling his mouth to mine again. I’m ruthless, my mouth and my tongue teasing his own until he submits to me. His arms pull me closer and I push against him, feeling how much he wants me.

“Katniss,” he says softly. “Everyone is inside and one of them could just come walking outside…” Peeta kisses me again. “God, I want you.”

“Later,” I tell him. Looking up at the sky, I take a deep breath. “Everything seems so much bigger out here except for me. I feel really small when I look up at the sky.”

“Why?”

“Because there has to be more than us out there, right?” I reason.

“That’s very X-Files,” Peeta remarks with an amused smile.

“Haha, Mulder.” I nudge his ribs.

“You’re very philosophical tonight,” he continues. “Any particular reason?”

“Um…” This is it. It’s the perfect time to tell him.

Suddenly, he yawns. “Sorry, I stayed up late last night looking over all the important dates for my first week at NYU,” he tells me. “I’m really excited. Did you know that NYU has twenty darkrooms?”

“Twenty, huh?” My throat has suddenly become dry.

“Yeah, it’s a long way from using my laundry room as a dark room,” he tells me. Pulling me closer, he kisses the side of my head. “So, do you want to explain your sudden need to be philosophical?”

No, it’s not the right time. Not now—when it’s so perfect.

“Just a little buzzed, I guess.”

“Oh.” He looks over at me. “I didn’t realize that you had a drink.”

“Yeah, a quick shot with Johanna.”

He can’t see my crossed fingers.

++++++

**_Friday, May 24, 1996_ **

“And so we embark on a new journey,” Finnick says from the podium.  He was voted Class Speaker and is perfect for it. Finnick has always been charismatic, not to mention good-looking. There have been twice as many cameras flashing since he’s come on stage.

It’s a perfect day, bright and sunny but with a little breeze. Perfect for our outdoor graduation at Kezar Stadium, since our school doesn’t have a field.

I take a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves and the small stirring inside me. According to the woman at the health clinic, I’m almost three months pregnant. There is still time to not have it if I don’t want to.

I’m still not sure what to do.

And I still haven’t told Peeta.

Every time I’ve tried to—we end up having sex or something close to it. It’s all these damn hormones, or at least that’s what it says in the booklet the clinic gave me.

The clinic also gave me one more thing. A picture of it. And it has hands.

Something with hands is growing inside me.

Last night, I stared at the photo. Was this little blob with the big head and tiny hands worth ruining everything that I’ve worked for? Everything that Peeta has worked for? He just accepted a photography scholarship that he applied for a few months ago.

I stared at it this morning too as I got ready. I had no answers.

I don’t even realize that I’ve missed most of Finnick’s speech until the sound of clapping calls me back to reality. Standing up, I join everyone in a round of applause for my friend. Looking over at Johanna, I notice that she is staring at me curiously.

It isn’t until I’ve just crossed the stage and walking down the stairs do I realize something.

I had been rubbing my stomach when she saw me. I used to do it to help with my upset stomach. Since that appointment, I’ve been doing for a different reason.

I thought that the baby could feel it.

++++++

“One more picture!” my Dad insists. Beside him stands my Mom and Prim, who watch with identical smiles. Today, they haven’t argued. I won’t hold my breath that it won’t happen later, however.

My friends squeeze in tighter together. Next week, the first of us will be leaving. Gale is heading for boot camp in Texas. A few days after that, Annie and Finnick are driving down to Los Angeles. Who knows when we’ll all see each other again?

I feel tears spring to my eyes but I grin as my Dad takes the photo.

Peeta pulls me in for a hug as soon as everyone leaves. “Can you believe it?”

“We’re finally done,” I say with a sigh. “I’m going to miss high school. This was probably the easiest time of our lives.” I turn to him again. “We need to have a talk soon.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Anything wrong?”

“No.” I shake my head and smile. “Everything is fine.”

I hear someone call out and we see Mr. Mellark waving at us.

“I’d better go,” he says. “Dad wants to have dinner and then have a little man-to-man talk with me or something.”

“Have fun,” I tell him. I wave at Mr. Mellark before turning to look for my parents.

Suddenly, someone yanks my arm. I yelp and turn to see Johanna.

“What the fuck?” I ask as I pull my arm away.

“I know,” she says simply—and her eyes glance over my slight bulge. I can still fit into my jeans, so I know I’m not showing that much, if at all. “I’ve seen enough knocked up bitches in my neighborhood to be able to tell---“

“Watch your mouth, Jo-Jo!” I pull her closer. “You know nothing.”

“No one knows, right?” she says to me. “Even him?”

I can feel my eyes burn. “Please, Johanna, don’t do this. Not here.”

She puts her hand on my shoulder, her eyes worried. “Let’s talk, okay? When you feel more sorted out. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I nod before joining my family.

++++++

**_Sunday, May 27, 1996_ **

I know something is wrong the moment that I walk into the house. Once I close the front door, Prim throws herself into my arms. When she pulls away, I see that her eyes are red and two crimson spots color her usually pale cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” I ask and put an around her. I had spent the day at a used bookstore searching for books about pregnancy. Inside my bag was a used copy of _What to Expect When You’re Expecting_.

“They’ve been fighting for hours,” she tells me. “They’re in the kitchen and I heard a glass break. I’m scared, Katniss.” She pulls away from me. “Mom says she’s leaving.”

“I don’t understand,” I reply. Taking her hand, I walk with her to the kitchen. My parents stand on opposite sides of the kitchen. It was Mom who threw the glass because the shattered pieces are spread only inches away from where my Dad stands. “What is going on?”

My Dad glares at my Mom. “Go on, tell them.”

“Let’s go into the living room,” my mother says in a sharp voice. Mom doesn’t look at us. Instead, she stomps out of the room and I follow with Prim in tow. My Dad follows behind us.

Mom sits on the coffee table. Prim and I sit on the couch while my Dad stands against the wall next to the couch with his arms crossed.

“Mom, what’s happening? You’re both scaring Prim,” I say.

She looks at me for a moment, her eyes emotionless before answering.

“I got in job—in Chicago,” she tells us.

“Is that it? We’re moving to Chicago?” If we move, maybe I can apply to a university closer to Peeta. We can raise the baby together.  I mean, after I finally tell him.

“We’re not moving,” Mom continues. “I am.”

It takes me a moment to comprehend what she saying. My mouth becomes dry and I look at her in disbelief.

“So you’re leaving us,” I say slowly. “Why?”

“You wouldn’t understand, Katniss,” she tells me bluntly. “I was too young when I got married and I missed so many chances to become something better. I was going to go to college and become a lawyer, but instead I got pregnant. Then I had to get married.”

“That’s not fair,” my Dad interjects. “I never forced you to get married!”

“Yeah, but I didn’t have to have a baby,” she argues. “We could have done what we had to do and moved on.”

I lean forward angrily. “This is ME that you’re talking about! You wanted to get rid of me, is that it?”

She doesn’t answer.

“You don’t know how it feels to put your life on hold,” she continues. “I had you and then I told myself that I would go to school back to school when you were old enough, but then I had Prim. And I was stuck.” I hear Prim whimper behind me. Mom is being cruel; to say this to me is one thing, but to Prim? My sister must be so hurt. I know I am.

I look into her eyes pleadingly.  “Mom, we need you. I need you—I’m pregnant.” The words just tumble out of my mouth.

Mom stares at me for a moment, letting my words sink in. Putting her hands on my shoulders, she looks me square in the eyes.

“Get rid of it, Katniss,” she tells me bluntly. “Don’t make a mistake like I did.”

I stare back, stunned by her harshness. Everything that I’ve ever known is gone. My happy family and my loving parents are nothing but a lie. We’re nothing to my mother.

The shock of her words leaves me stunned for a moment. The feeling of anger begins to rise in me.

I push her hands off of me and stand over her. “You want to leave? Then get out. GET OUT! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN!”

I can feel my Dad holding me back, his arm draped across my collarbone. I think he is worried that I might hit her. With the way I’m feeling, I just might.

“You’d better go,” my Dad says to Mom. “Or I might just let go of her.”

Without another glance, Mom opens the front door and walks out.

Prim, who has been watching all of this unfold, seems to snap out of her daze. Her panicked eyes look at the open door and before we can stop her, she is sprinting out the door.

“MOM! DON’T LEAVE!” I can hear her scream. The sound of a car staring up takes me out of my stupor and I am rushing after Prim.

Prim is banging against my Mom’s window. Mom won’t even look at her. Her eyes remained glued to the wheel as she backs out of the driveway.

“MOM! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE!” Prim is following the car even as it begins to drive away. “MOMMY!”

I watch her chase after the car until it is too fast for her to chase after. The sky is a dark orange because of the sunset and I can see Prim’s shadowed figure in the middle of the street, watching our mother abandon us.

I don’t even realize that I’m sobbing until my Dad pulls me to him. Against him, I begin to cry even harder. Nothing seems real anymore.

Looking up at him, I can see just how broken he is. My mother, with her harsh words and cold heart, has cut him down to nothing.

For a split second, I don’t see him. Instead, I see Peeta and my heart freezes inside my chest.

I decide then—I won’t let that happen to us. WE won’t become his regret.

Peeta can’t know about this baby.

++++++

The quiet knock wakes me from my nap. The evening has set in. My father managed to get Prim out of the street and up to her room. She locked herself in, but we could hear her crying through the thin walls of the house.

I dragged myself to my own room and laid in bed until my overwhelmed body succumbed to exhaustion.

My eyes adjust to the darkness and I realize that it is well past dinner time.

“Katniss?” It’s my Dad. The door opens and I can see him in the doorway. “You need to eat, sweetheart.”

“Did she come back?” I ask, my voice thick with tears. My voice sounds different, almost childlike.

He shakes his head sadly. “No, baby. She’s not coming back. In fact, she called to tell me that she would send for her things once she’s settled in Chicago. The company that she’s working for is providing her a place to stay until she can find a permanent home.”

“Looks like she has it all figured out,” I say from where I lay. Bitterly, I wipe my eyes. I can hear Dad’s soft footsteps approach and the weight of him sitting on my bed.

“It’s okay, you know,” he says after a moment. Dad places a hand on my head to smooth down my hair. “But it’s okay if you don’t want to have a baby, either.”

I feels my insides turn and another set of tears spring from my eyes. “I’m sorry, Dad.”

“Does Peeta know?” he asks me and I shake my head.

“He’s not going to know,” I reply, my voice suddenly hard. “I won’t ruin his life.”

“Are you sure about not telling him?” Dad says. “We can work something out. I’ll go with you to talk to him.”

“No.”

“Your Mom—“

“I don’t want to talk about her.”

Her words hurt, but she also made me realize something. I want this baby more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I don’t think my Mom ever felt that way about me. It will be different for my baby. He or she will never feel unwanted.

“I’m sorry, Katniss,” Dad tells me and I can hear the tears in his voice. “I wish that I had been enough for her. We tried to be happy—at least I did.”

I sit up and look into his eyes, which are the same as mine. “I know.” I hug him. “I’m sorry she left you, Dad. You were a good husband.”

He falls apart and so do I.

++++++

“I’m moving in,” Johanna tells me the next day. “I can’t be in my house anymore. I talked to your Dad and he agreed that I could have his office for my room. I just have to pay rent and keep up my grades.”

“You don’t have to,” I argue with her from my bed. I haven’t gotten up since last night. Prim is still in her room, except there are no sounds of crying coming through the door. “I don’t need help.”

“Yes, you do.” She lies down beside me. “You’re a fucking mess. And there’s going to be a baby…” Johanna gives a smile. “He or she is going to need Auntie Jo-Jo to play with.”

“I have to learn how to do this alone,” I insist.

There is a quiet moment as she contemplates my words.

“You don’t have to,” she counters. ”You should tell him. This is wrong. He is going to hate you for doing this.”

“I won’t have us become my parents,” I say to her. I twist my blanket in my hands as I push the words out of my mouth. “My mother wishes I was _never_ born. She thinks that she’s lost out on life and I won’t let him feel that way. I don’t think I can take anyone else resenting me.”

“How do you know that it won’t be different?”

“I can’t take that chance.”

++++++

_“A wounded heart you gave_  
 _My soul you took away_  
 _Good intentions you had many_  
 _I know you did…”_

The song plays from my boombox. It’s a favorite of ours and usually I sing along to it, which he likes. Today, however, I don’t feel like singing.

“Katniss,” Peeta whispers as we lay in my bed. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell him and put my head to his chest. “She’s gone.”

Dad took Prim out to dinner while Johanna made herself scarce by going over to Thresh’s. I highly suspect that she will tell him about the baby. My Dad wouldn’t usually allow Peeta to be alone with me, but I don’t think I could get into any more trouble than I’m already in.

“Maybe I should stay,” he suggests. “I’m sure I won’t miss much. It’s just orientation.”

“No.” I look up at him. “I’ll be fine. You’ll be back to visit before you officially start anyway.”

By the time he comes back, Peeta won’t want anything to do with me. I swallow that bitter fact and try not to let myself cry.

Instead, I move my body over his and kiss him, removing his shirt as I do. He doesn’t question my motives because I can see that he wants me as much I want him.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks me.

“Who knows when the next time will be?” I tell him. “We’re going to have a very busy few months.”

Peeta relents, pulling me down so he can kiss me.

He doesn’t realize that this is the last time that we will ever make love.

++++++

**_Two Days Later-SFO Airport_ **

We walk through the crowded airport. Mr. Mellark agreed to let me take Peeta since he wouldn’t be coming back until late July for some last minute preparations. Hand in hand, he weaves us through the crowded airport.

Peeta is excited. I can hear it in his voice. A lot of it has to do with the classes and being in New York. He can’t wait to take photos there. I smile to myself. He is such a dreamer and I love that about him. I hope that the little one inside me is just like him and nothing like me.

Oh, God. Am I making the right choice? It’s not too late to tell him.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “You’re so quiet.”

“I’m excited for you.” I manage to grin. “You’re going to be in New York. Who knows? One day, your photos could be famous and I could say that I knew him.”

“Know him,” he corrects. Peeta stops to kiss me. “One day, you’re going to be in New York with me. We’ll have a penthouse and we can walk through Central Park. And see a Broadway show! We can kiss at midnight in Times Square on New Year’s Eve.”

“Sounds wonderful.”  I can’t help but begin to cry. Peeta places his bag on the floor so that he can comfort me.

“Hey….” He pulls me into his arms. “Don’t cry. I promise I’ll come back to you.” Peeta kisses the top of my head as he holds me close. “I don’t know if you remember this, but that night in Sonoma, I asked you—“

“I remember,” I say softly. His quiet proposal after we first made love. “You know my answer.”

Peeta smiles as he gazes at me. We both look over at the gate as the attendant announces that all rows are now boarding. He looks hesitant.

_Tell him._

I can’t. My Mom’s words echo in my head. I was a mistake. Me and this baby won’t be Peeta’s mistake. He will never understand that at this point, the baby is the only thing that makes me feel like I’m worth anything. Mom took that away from me—my own self-worth—the day that she drove away.

“You’d better go,” I say to him.

Peeta takes my face in his hands and kisses me. I start to cry again until our kisses taste of salty tears.

“You’re making this very hard on me,” Peeta whispers when we pull apart.

Backing away, I wipe my eyes and smile. “Go on.”

He nods before picking up his bag. With one final kiss, Peeta begins walking towards the gate.

“PEETA!” It comes out without a thought. He turns to me. “I love you.”

Something flashes in his face. In two strides, Peeta is right in front of me. “Maybe I shouldn’t go.”

“Don’t be silly,” I tell him. “I’ll see you soon.”

And so begins my trail of lies to him.

“I love you, too.” He turns and begins walking back towards the gate, handing his ticket to the attendant.

I watch him disappear down the jetway and out of my life.

Looking down, I place my hand on my stomach and caress the small bump.

“It’s just you and me now.”

* * *

 

So ends Part One.

That was not a good chapter. And there are people who probably still don’t like Katniss because of what she did. Just try to understand that she isn’t in her right mind at the moment.

So what happens now? Part Two will focuses on Katniss and Peeta only. Present Day Katniss and Peeta are trying to figure out their relationship. Past Katniss and Peeta will try to adjust to life without each other.

Some notes:

‘Surfing the Crimson Wave’ refers to having your period, and is from the movie, _Clueless_.

_Twister_ , starring Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt, premiered in the US on May 10, 1996. It made it to number one at the box office and did well.

“This is How We Do It” is sung by Montell Jordan.

Mulder and Scully are, of course, from _The X-Files_ , which ran from September 10, 1993 to May 19, 2002. The science fiction series starred David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson as Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

“Again” is sung by Janet Jackson.

Next: Part Two, Chapter Nineteen: Peeta 2012

Hate this chapter? Love it? Thanks for reading whatever you thought.

-JLaLa


	19. Chapter Nineteen: 2012

Yay!  New chapter!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for once again being an awesome beta!

_I'll be your crying shoulder,_  
 _I'll be love's suicide_  
 _I'll be better when I'm older,_  
 _I'll be the greatest fan of your life…_

_-Edwin McCain “I’ll Be” (1998)_

Again

Part Two, Chapter 19: 2012

I wake up feeling something heavy on my ribcage.

And the smell of jasmine.

When I open my eyes, I look down and see that my daughter’s head is resting on my chest. One of my arms is protectively wrapped around her shoulder. Sometime in the middle of the night, Adina must have crawled on to the couch next to me.

I know she’s seventeen, but the way she’s curled up against me, she looks like the little girl in some of the pictures I’ve seen.

“She took my idea.”

I turn my head to find Katniss sitting on the ottoman near us. She smiles at me before taking a sip from the mug in her hand.

“Good morning,” I greet her in a rough voice. “Do you know when she came down here?”

“I don’t know,” she replies, pushing a lock of her hair behind her ear.  “When I came down this morning, she was already here. I think she’s worried that this isn’t real—that she’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.”

My eyes burn from the thought of Adina believing that.

I kiss the top of her head. “Was she always a snuggler like this?” My eyes go to the picture of Katniss and Adina on the piano, from when she was still a baby. Their pose mimics my current one with our daughter.

Katniss nods. “Yes,” she says with a grin. “When she was born, Adina went right to my chest. And she stayed there until they had to take her away.” Her eyes cloud over. “When I was okay again, they brought her back and she brought me back to life.”

“Why did they take her?”

“I didn’t start bleeding out right away.” Katniss puts the mug down on the coffee table and curls up on the ottoman. “It was maybe a few minutes after that picture was taken. I was feeling woozy and when my nurse checked—she thought it would stop. It didn’t. I passed out—and that was it. They tried to give me blood because I was losing so much, but in the end—it was the only option that would save my life.” She takes a deep breath. “I woke up because I heard Adina crying and I held her when they told me that they had to do an emergency hysterectomy. Apparently, they missed a clot during the Caesarean.”

“Katniss…” I can tell just how painful this is for her to relive.

She wipes her eyes and looks over at Adina’s sleeping form. “She was worth it.”

“And other children never crossed your mind?” I ask tentatively.

“Once or twice,” she replies. “I even looked into adoption but I worried that maybe Adina would think that she wasn’t enough for me. I’ve always been honest with her and she knows about my condition.”

“I would have been happy with a little brother or sister.”

Adina is awake.

Detangling herself from me, she sits up, stretches and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Morning, Dad.”

I love to hear her call me ’Dad’.

Getting up, she scoots in next to Katniss and puts her head on her shoulder. “It would have been nice to have another kid to play with. I mean, it was fun with Auntie Jo-Jo and Uncle Thresh, but it was lonely sometimes, too.”

“I know, but the timing was never right,” Katniss tells her as I sit up.

“And now?” Adina asks, looking between us.

Katniss turns scarlet and I’m pretty sure that I’ve paled considerably. It’s only been a day since she’s asked me to stay.

“One day at a time, sweetheart,” I tell her. Katniss nods in agreement.

“I guess so,” Adina replies before looking between us again. “You two aren’t even sleeping in the same bed. Why is that?”

Katniss groans and then meets my eyes. “She truly is your daughter. That tact is all you.”

++++++

“Hey,” Katniss greets me from her bed. “Come in.”

“What are you doing?” I ask as I look around. Her bedroom is minimalistic with slight hints of peach in the throw pillows and the one chair in the corner of the room. She is sitting on the bed with an open book in front of her.

Walking into the room, I sit in the only free space on the bed. Pictures of Adina are organized around her, along with other memorabilia about our daughter. One piece of paper catches my eyes: her birth certificate.

“Adina June Everdeen,” I read. “Born on November 18, 1996, at 6:27pm.”

“She was overdue,” Katniss tells me. “June was my grandmother’s name. She died before I was born but my Dad said that I looked a lot like her and was as stubborn as she was.”

I continue to read over the certificate. “Mother: Katniss Everdeen. Father: Peeta Mellark.” I place the certificate down on the bed. “This is real. We’re parents and it’s all down on paper.” Katniss smiles and I feel that familiar tingle run through me. “What is all this?”

“I’m working on Adina’s baby book,” she explains. “I never finished it because I was so busy chasing that little monster.” Her face softens in remembrance. “I thought maybe you and I could work on it together. That way you feel like you were there.” Katniss looks over at me. “I know that I can’t make up for the years you lost with her. I’m trying, Peeta—I really am. I don’t want to fuck this up—“

“Stop.” I place the certificate down beside me. “We’re starting over. That means that I’m going to stop being angry at you and you’re going to stop feeling guilty.” Katniss still looks unsure. “Get over here.” She crawls over to me and I lay back on her bed. She places her head on my chest; I pull her close and kiss the top of her head contentedly.

“Why aren’t you sleeping in my bed?” she asks and looks up at me.

“I don’t know,” I reply. “I thought you needed space.”

“I think I’m done with having this bed all to myself.”

“Good.” I pull her on top of me. “Can I take you out on a date first?”

“A date?” she repeats. “Aren’t we a little old for that?”

“Well, at least we can guarantee that every date will end with me in your bed,” I tell her and she smacks my chest. “Or maybe not.”

Katniss leans down and kisses me. When she pulls away, I find myself staring into her smoky eyes. “Probably.”

“MY EYES!”

Katniss jumps off of me and I sit up quickly. Johanna and Adina stand at the doorway. Adina is covering her eyes.

“This could be worse, kiddo,” Johanna tells her. “They could’ve been naked.”

“Jo-Jo, please!” Katniss says, glaring at her best friend.

Johanna gives us an easy wave and puts an arm around Adina, who is still looking down. “I’m going to take Adina downstairs and give you two a moment to compose yourselves.”

I look over at Katniss. “You okay?”

She nods. “Embarrassed, but okay.” Looking around at the pile of documents and photos, she finds a small piece of paper. “This is my first picture of Adina.”

I look at the paper and realize that it’s a sonogram photo. Adina’s profile is clear, showing a large head and a hand sticking out. It’s like she’s waving at us. I stare at it for a moment, not really believing that this little baby in the photo is a living, breathing seventeen year old.

“Even then she was beautiful,” I manage to say.

“I have some more,” she offers. “We can put them in the book for you.”

We spent the rest of the afternoon assembling the sonogram photos in order while she tells me about her pregnancy.

“Are there any pictures of you when you were pregnant?”

Katniss shakes her head and smiles wryly. “Nope, unless you count our prom photo.”

++++++

“So you’re shacking up with Katniss now?” Finnick asks as we sit in the kitchen of Katniss’ house.

He and Annie have come over to take some of Adina’s old baby clothes. Her pregnancy is obvious now. Adina and Katniss practically fell apart seeing the swell of her baby bump when she walked into the house.

“Not shacking up,” I reply. ”More like getting to know one another—again.”

“That’s nice,” he says. “So let’s get to the important things.” He leans forward. “Are you going to propose to her?”

“Finnick, I’ve been back for about _three_ days,” I tell him. “Don’t you think that proposing is rushing into it a bit?”

“You’ve been in love with her for seventeen years! What rush?”

In a way, he’s right. I’ve always known that I wanted to marry Katniss. I proposed to her the night that Adina was conceived. The dream of walking the streets of New York with her is still fresh in my mind.

On the other hand, there is also the fact that we live on different coasts. She has a job here and Adina is here.

“What are you two talking about?” Katniss stands at the doorway. When our eyes meet, she winks at me.

“I was just asking Peeta why he hasn’t proposed yet,” Finnick tells her.

I put my head in my hands. “You’re killing me, Finnick.”

I can hear her footsteps as she walks towards me, then the feel of her fingers running through my hair. I close my eyes to savor the sensation of her touch.

“Leave him alone,” she says as she continues to torture me with her hand. I look up and Katniss smiles at me. Tugging her arm gently, she relents and sits on my lap. “We’ll get there when we’re ready.”

Her face is inches from mine and our lips touch tentatively. The slight brush lights the spark between us and her lips are on mine again. Her kiss alternates between rough and gentle. When she tugs at my bottom lip with her teeth, I groan into her mouth and my hand goes to the back of her head to pull her closer.

“NOT AGAIN!”’

We pull apart breathless. Adina is at the doorway with Annie. She is covering her eyes while Annie grins at us.

“I don’t know about you, but I thought it was kind of hot,” Finnick says with a whistle.

“They were worse when we were younger,” Annie adds and puts an arm around Adina. “You’ll have to get used to it, honey. Your parents are going to make out sometimes—maybe more in this beginning part.”

“I know that,” Adina replies and looks up at us with a smirk. “I just didn’t think I would _always_ catch them at it.”

Katniss buries her head in my shoulder.

++++++

**_One week later_ **

“Will you tell me about Adina? When she was a baby?” I ask as we lay side by side on the bed.

Katniss has just come home from work; she is still in her blazer and pencil skirt while her heels lay haphazardly at the archway of the door.

I spent the day talking to Clove in New York. My assistant has agreed to take on some extra responsibility for the time being. She wasn’t pleased, however.

Katniss turns and looks at me. I take her hand and flip it so I can kiss the top.

“What do you want to know?” she asks.

I think for a moment before answering. “Tell me about the first time she smiled.”

“She was only a few days old,” Katniss recounts. “We were still in the hospital because I needed more time to recover from the hysterectomy. I think I memorized every feature about her when I was in the hospital. When I touched the tip of her chin, she opened her eyes and smiled at me. I also realized that when she smiled, Adina has a dimple right here.” She puts her finger against the side of my chin and I can’t help but grin. “Just like you.”

A knock interrupts us. Our daughter stands at the doorway.

“Hey, babe, you okay?” Katniss asks as she sits up.

“I’m fine; great, actually,” she replies and then gives me a smile. “I’m going to a movie with Auntie Prim but I wanted to show you something.”

We get up and I walk over to my daughter. Putting an arm around her, we walk down the stairs together.

“I like having you here with us,” Adina tells me.

“I like being here with both of you,” I reply.

When we walk into the kitchen, we find the table has been set. A white tablecloth is draped over the table while fancy china is set. In the middle, a single candle has been lit. Johanna stands by the island of the kitchen along with Thresh.

“What is all this?” Katniss asks in shock.

“You two losers are having your first date,” Johanna proclaims.

Thresh goes to Katniss and helps her remove her blazer so that she is only in her lacy cream tank. Then he undoes her braid.

“There you go, Mama,” he tells her. “Food is in the oven and we will all be back _late_.”

“So feel free to – you know – do ‘alone time’ things,” Johanna tells us with a wink.

“Goodbye, Johanna,” Katniss says and puts an arm around her. “Let me walk you out.” Katniss leads her out of the kitchen leaving Adina, Thresh and me in the kitchen.

“Show her a good time,” Thresh says to me. “Katniss hasn’t had much romance in the past few years.”

“I’ll try,” I tell him nervously. “This date wasn’t exactly planned.”

“I don’t think it really matters what you do,” he replies. “Katniss has been the mother and the businesswoman all these years. She’s much more than that. Someone needs to treat her that way.”

I nod, then turn to Adina. “You okay there, sweet pea?”

Adina hugs me. “I might sleep over at Auntie Prim’s apartment since it’s the weekend.” She gives me a pointed look. “Maybe you might want to talk to Mom about where the relationship is going.”

“Where the relationship is going?” I repeat with a grin. “Did you read that from somewhere?”

“Sometimes Auntie Prim lets me read her Cosmo magazines.” She looks at the doorway and then turns back to me. “Don’t tell Mom.”

“My lips are sealed.” I kiss her forehead. “Have fun, sweetie.”

“Bye, Dad!”

Adina and Thresh give one last wave before leaving the kitchen.

I walk over to the oven and take out the dinner prepared for us. Walking over to the table, I place the food on the table.

“Only Johanna and Thresh would think pizza was a romantic meal.” Katniss stands behind me, her warm breath caressing my ear. I take a deep breath, trying to calm the aching need growing inside me. “Thresh proposed to Teddy at a pizza parlor—and well, Johanna thinks that any date with pizza should end with sex.”

I turn around and find our noses brushing. Placing my hands on her waist, I kiss her softly. “And you?”

“I think that you’re right,” she replies, her grey eyes look almost black in the dimly lit kitchen.

“About what?”

“Every date will probably end with you in our bed,” she says softly and then laughs to herself. “It’s weird. I feel like this is our first date, but it isn’t. Everything is so backwards.”

“Everything is new to us,” I tell her. “I like it this way.” I kiss her neck. “So are you hungry?”

She shakes her head and then yawns. “I’m tired. It’s been a long week.”

I nod. Blowing out the candle on the table, I take her hand and lead her out of the kitchen. Together, we walk upstairs to her – well, our room – and then walk her over to the bed.

“Shirt off,” I tell her and she quirks her brow. “I’m helping you change out of your clothes.” Katniss takes off her shirt while I go to her dresser and take out a shirt for her. When I get back to her, she has already shimmied off her grey pencil skirt. “All ready for me, I see.”

She gives me a pointed look. “I thought you were just helping me change.”

“Well, I was really looking forward to helping you get out of your skirt.”

“You can help me with these.” Katniss sticks her stocking leg out so I can see the garter.

I groan inwardly. Kneeling before her, I reach to unclasp the clip of the garter so I can peel her stocking off slowly.

I remember a time when we were just two teenagers in her parents’ house, awkward about our bodies. Katniss seems to have gained a little more confidence in hers.

Not to mention, she is sexy as hell and doesn’t even realize it.

“Your underwear selection has improved,” I choke out as I finish removing her other stocking.

God, her legs are smooth.

“I learned a few things over the last few years,” she replies. “Mostly from Johanna’s stories and one of them just happened to be an appreciation for fine underthings.”

She removes her white lacy bra and tosses it on the ground. My throat goes dry when I see her bare breasts, but I try to remain calm and focus on helping her dress. Her body hasn’t changed much except for the scar from the C-section.

“Remind me to thank Johanna one day.” I help pull the long t-shirt over her head. “This is a pretty big shirt. Whose is it?” I can see that it says ‘UCSF’ on it, which is Johanna’s alma mater, though it is clearly a men’s size shirt.

“That’s another story for another day.” I look into her eyes and see something else haunting in them.

It’s strange to know her and then again not know her at all.

“Now your turn,” she says as she removes my shirt. I unbuckle my belt and then undo my jeans. Katniss helps me out of them, then meets my eyes. “So it’s boxer briefs now?”

“Can’t have my junk moving all over the place.”

“You sound just like Adina when you talk like that,” Katniss remarks.

I pull back the comforter of the bed and get in first. She crawls in after and easily finds a place in the crook of my shoulder. Her hair flows behind her, blanketing my shoulder.

Nothing will happen tonight. I can already hear her breathing slow down as she settles into sleep.

“Katniss?” I call to her quietly.

“Hmm?”

“When the time comes, I’m going to ask you to marry me again,” I say and I’m sure that she can feel my heart race as I tell her this.

She snuggles in closer. “When the time comes, Adina and I will say yes.”

* * *

Kind of a filler chapter…I don’t know.

You’ll start to see the contrast as the chapters go on. The past has everything falling apart as the present has everything come together. In time, however, they’ll all have to cross over.

Also, if you haven’t noticed there is a similarity to the last part of Mockingjay regarding working on a certain book together.

So I was reading a lot on emergency hysterectomies—a lot of this is similar to the posts I read from women who have been through that. I didn’t make it too close but just drew out similarities in terms of symptoms.

June is actually after June Carter Cash. I was listening to ‘Ring of Fire’ (which she wrote) while I was writing.

6:27, as in Adina’s birth time, is also my birthday (June 27).

Annie is about four months pregnant at this point.

Oh, and Prim only lets Adina read the relationship advice and beauty parts of Cosmo. Never the Cosmo Confessions (which hubbs loves) or the sex tips.

The owner of the t-shirt will be explained in a later chapter.

I know—no smut, but they’ll get there.

Next: Peeta - July 1996

Thanks for reading, my loves!

Until then, JLaLa


	20. Chapter Twenty: 1996

Back to 1996!

The characters of the Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for her hard work!

_You, I thought I knew you_   
_You, I cannot judge_   
_You, I thought you knew me_   
_This one laughing quietly_   
_Underneath my breath…_

_-R.E.M. “Nightswimming” (1993)_

Again

Part Two, Chapter 20: 1996

**_Thursday, July 11, 1996_ **

**_Upper West Side, Manhattan_ **

“Hello, it’s Peeta. Is Katniss home?”

“No,” Mr. Everdeen replies over the phone. “She’s out with Johanna.”

“Do you know when she’ll be home?”

“I’m not sure, Peeta. Did you want me to take a message for you?” he asks gruffly.

Mr. Everdeen is usually pretty nice to me, but there is something different in his voice today. It’s like he is trying to get rid of me.

“Can you tell her I’m flying out tonight and that I’ll be in San Francisco tomorrow? I mean, I haven’t been able to contact her—and whenever I call, she’s out.”

“Peeta… she is very busy with school starting and having to take care of her sister. Prim hasn’t been in the best of spirits,” he explains. “Maybe you should give her some time—“ he pauses for a moment, “I have to go.”

I can hear someone in the background.

“Is that Katniss?” I ask eagerly.

“No! I have to get off now---“

I’m sure it’s her.

“Wait—“ The line goes dead. I search for more change in my pocket. Nothing.

Hanging up the payphone, I head back into the apartment building which will be my home for the next four years. I live in the basement studio of a twelve floor apartment building. Most of the residents are working stiffs, except for one of the guys on the first floor who works as some sort of designer.

There is something wrong with Katniss. I shouldn’t have left. I should have insisted on staying. She just seemed so fragile since the day her Mom took off. It was understandable.

But there was something else hiding in the back of her eyes.

I saw it the day I left.

The days have passed and heightened my anxiety because of her avoidance. All of my calls have gone unreturned. My postcards have gone unanswered.

Entering my apartment, I look around at the empty brick walls. A small desk is planted on the far side of the living room, which is to my left. To my right is the kitchen area which consists of a small stove and a dark red fridge. Next to the desk is my bed, which is basically a pullout couch with a mattress. I set up a small stereo system across the couch and beside that is a small television.

My eyes settle on the coffee table where my plane ticket sits, before I look at the clock at the far wall. I need to hail a cab soon. Picking up my bag which I placed by the door, I go to the table and grab the ticket along with my Walkman. The tape that Katniss made for me sits in the player.

Why do I feel like this? Something inside me isn’t sitting right and I try to not think about her avoidance.

I can only wait until I see her— _if_ I see her.

After doing a final check, I grab my keys and go to the door. Locking up behind me, I run up the stairs to the lobby.

“Hey, Peeta!” I turn to see Cinna, my neighbor and the designer, coming towards me. Today, he’s in a lizard-skin printed vest and leather pants with his hair in small, corkscrew curls. He takes off his dark sunglasses and flashes me a smile. “Heading back home?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “Just need to get some things settled before the big move.”

“Good luck, dude,” he replies. “By the way, you take photographs, right?”

“Photography is my major at NYU.”

“Did you want to make some extra money?” I nod. “I need someone to take some pictures for my model calls. It’s pretty simple. The girl or guy will do a quick walk for me then you just take their photo in my clothes. It’s about a day’s work but I’ll give you a hundred bucks.”

“Sounds awesome, I’m in,” I tell him and give him a grateful smile. “Thanks, Cinna.”

“Good luck and have a safe trip, young buck. I’ll come down the day before the calls and give you the run down,” he says.

“Cool.” I nervously run a hand through my hair.

“You okay?” he asks.

“I’m a little anxious,” I reply. “There’s this girl…”

“You’ll work it out,” he assures me. “What is meant to happen will happen. That’s what I believe.”

“Thanks, Cinna, see you in a week.” I give him a smile and walk out, suddenly ready to go home to Katniss.

++++++

**_Friday, July 12, 1996_ **

**_San Francisco_ **

“Hi, Peeta.”

“Hey, Prim. How are you doing, cutie?” I ask Katniss’ little sister over the phone.

“I’m better,” she replies evenly.

“Is your sister home?”

“No, she’s out with… Johanna.” I can hear her evasiveness on the phone.

“Will you let her know that I’m home?” I ask her. “Tell her I’ve been paging her.”

“Sure,” Prim pauses. “I’ll let her know.”

“Nice talking to you,” I tell her. I can hear a voice in the background. “Prim?”

“Yes?” Her voice is suddenly nervous.

“When you see her, can you tell her that I miss her?” Inside, the ache begins to grow. “That if there is anything wrong, she can always talk to me. Tell her that I love her.”

If she is listening, then she should know that I’m not going away.

“Okay,” she agrees. “Peeta?”

“Yeah?”

“It was nice to talking to you.” She pauses again. “I have to go. Bye.”

The line goes dead.

Hanging up, I sigh before putting the receiver back in place. My eyes go to the picture of Katniss on my desk. It’s the one of her that I told her I would be keeping—the first picture I ever took of her.

When did everything become so mixed up?

Going to my boombox, I turn it on and then lay back on my bed.

_“And it seemed everlasting_   
_That you would always be mine_   
_Now you wanna be free_   
_So I'll let you fly…”_

There’s a knock on my door and I sit up. My Dad opens the door and then closes it softly behind him. He gives me a sympathetic smile.

“Still no sign of Katniss?”

I shake my head. “I don’t understand,” I tell him as he sits at the foot of the bed. “What happened?”

“I think she needs time,” he says after a moment. “She lost her mother.”

“I understand that. I lost mine, too.”

“You did,” he agrees. “But Peeta— your Mom didn’t leave by choice. Hers did.”

“I know.” I can feel my eyes begin to burn. “It hurts.” I put my hand to my chest. “Her avoidance. There was something in her eyes the day I left. Like she knew that it would be the last time she saw me.”

“Maybe you have to let her go,” Dad suggests. “I came in because I wanted to tell you something.” He takes a deep breath. “The bakery isn’t doing so well and I’ve decided to go back to San Diego. Someone is looking to buy the store space from me and I think I’m going to accept.”

“So that’s it?”

He nods. “That’s it. Sometimes you have to accept and let go. I know you love Katniss, but maybe you just have to let her go, too.”

“I just need to know why.” I put my head in my hands. “It’s killing me inside.”

He pulls me to him. “I know,” Dad replies. “After I sign the papers, there’s no reason for you to look back. Maybe it’s for the best that you don’t have to come to San Francisco. It won’t be home.”

“You don’t understand. Anywhere that Katniss is— it’s home for me.”

++++++

_“How do you want it? How does it feel?_   
_Comin’ up as a nigga in the cash game_   
_Livin’ in the fast lane; I'm for real…”_

“What’s up, man?” Thresh gives me a quick hug before we walk into his garage where his car is parked. The hood is up and the car is lifted. A radio sits on the shelf blaring out 2pac’s lyrics to the song.

“You shaved your head!”

Thresh runs a hand over his fade. He is wearing a pair of overalls with one of the clasps unhooked so it hangs down. Underneath is a white tank.

“Yup, cornrows got to be too much maintenance,” he replies. Going to the small fridge in the corner of the garage, he hands me a can of soda. “So, how’s New York?”

“Great. The apartment is comfortable,” I tell him as I sit in a lawn chair. “It gets lonely, but I guess I’ll be busy with school so it won’t be that way for long.”

“Cool.” He leans against the car.

I look up at him. “Have you been hanging out with Katniss lately?” I ask tentatively.

He stops in place and shakes his head. “She’s been M.I.A. and staying home.” I hear the same tone of avoidance in his voice.

“Do you know why she’s not talking to me? Or returning my calls?” I ask. I know how pathetic I sound, but her silence is painful.

Tears threaten to spill over onto the floor of the garage as I look down and Thresh suddenly kneels before me.

“Maybe you need to go to her house. Just refuse to leave until you see her,” he suggests.

“Really?” I think for a moment. It would be hitting the lowest of lows--almost borderline stalking.

Inside me, I know that I deserve to be told the truth even if it means that I lose her in the end.

“If you do— just don’t tell her that I put you up to it, okay?” Thresh looks worried. Like he’s just done something that he’s going to regret.

I nod. “Of course.” I take a deep breath and then give him a smile. ”So what are your classes this semester?”

++++++

**_Sunday, July 14, 1996_ **

I pound on the front door and wait.

Her car sits in the driveway— in the space where her mother’s car was before she left them. So I know she’s here.

“Katniss! I know you’re in there!”

Something in me snaps and I knock frantically until I hear footsteps approaching the door. The door is yanked open and Johanna steps out onto the porch. She closes it quickly behind her so I can’t see whether Katniss is there.

“Peeta. Go home,” she tells me gently.

I shake my head. “She’s in there, isn’t she?” I look up to where her bedroom window is. “KATNISS!”

Johanna puts her hands on my shoulders. “Stop this, please!” Her eyes look up to see if there is anyone looking out from behind the curtains. “Katniss isn’t here.” We both know that she is there.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” I tell her and I can feel the familiar sting of tears hit my eyes. “But I deserve to be told the truth.”

Johanna looks at me. “The truth?”

“Yes,” I reply and wipe the rampant tear that has escaped my eye. “I deserved to be told that it’s over to my face.” She looks at me for a moment before nodding.

“You do,” she acknowledges. “But for now, go home.”

I turn and walk down the steps to my Dad’s borrowed car. Ripping open the car door, I get into the driver’s seat of the Pathfinder and place my forehead against the wheel.

I let the tears fall, not caring that Johanna is watching me. I don’t know notice how long I’ve been there until I hear a soft knock on the window.

It’s Johanna again.

I lower the window and look at her. Her own eyes look at me empathetically. She places a hand over mine, which is gripping the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry,” she says to me. “If it’s any consolation, you’re not the only one around here with a broken heart.”

Looking at her, I see how haunted her eyes are and how much older she seems. I can see what the pain of losing the one she’s loved has done to her. There’s a haunting sadness buried deep inside her.

“Wouldn’t you have wanted to have that last talk with Gale?” I ask her and I bite back a sob. “Don’t you wish that it hadn’t ended the way it did?”

She nods and her own eyes begin to mist over.

“Tell Katniss that,” I say to her. “Tell her the least she can do is tell me that it’s over. I can’t have the ghost of her following me back to New York.”

I turn the key and start the car. Johanna gives my hand a final squeeze and smiles at me softly.

“Good luck, Peeta,” she tells me quietly.

“Take care of yourself, Johanna.”

With that, I pull away from the curb and drive off.

++++++

When the phone rings later that night, I’m the first one to pick it up.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.” Her voice fills me with an aching need to see her. “We need to talk. Can you meet me later?”

“Sure,” I reply in a shaking voice. “Where?”

“Lake Merced at midnight,” she tells me quietly. “There’s a parking lot next to the bridge that cuts across the lake.”

“I’ll be there.”

The line goes dead.

++++++

**_Monday, July 15, 1996, Midnight_ **

**_Lake Merced_ **

The parking lot is empty when I show up. For a moment, I think that she might stand me up.

Then I see another car make a turn into the lot and park in the darker part of it.

It’s her.

Nervously, I walk towards the car and I see her open the door. Immediately, I can tell that something is off.

However, she looks the same. Her hair is down and framing her face. I remember when I held that face in my hands. Her baggy, hooded sweater has the San Francisco State emblem on the front and on her feet is the pair of Doc Martins that I bought for her.

“Katniss.”

She looks up at me with haunted grey eyes, burdened with something that I can’t describe. Something happened during the time we’ve been apart that has changed her.

I walk over to her when she puts a hand up. “Stop. Don’t come near me.” Her tone is hard and her voice hoarse. “I only came because Johanna said it might stop you from calling the house or coming over.”

“What’s wrong?” I ask. “You won’t answer my calls or respond to my postcards. What happened? What’s changed?”

“I did,” she says quietly and looks down at her sweater. “I changed. I can’t be with you.”

“Why?”

“Because we were stupid to think that it would last,” she says bluntly. ”You’re going to be in New York. I live here. It’s not going to work—“

“We talked about this!” I yell out suddenly into the air. “I would come see you! I told you that. I want this to work! I want you—“

“I don’t want to be with you anymore, Peeta!” Her voice is shaking.

I can see it in the moonlight, the tears in her eyes. Something inside resists what she is telling me.

“I don’t believe that,” I respond.

She covers her mouth to stop a sob from escaping.

“You can’t even talk to me without crying,” I continue and I can feel the anger rise inside me. “What the fuck is this? Is there someone else?”

Katniss doesn’t respond and it only makes me angrier.

“IS THERE?” I rush up to her before she even has a chance to protest.  “IS THERE?” I try to put my hands on her shoulders and she backs away. “Tell me!”

“YES!” She turns away for a moment and I can see her shoulders shaking. She turns back to me, her face stained but her eyes burning. “There is someone else! Someone I love more than you!”

My heart stops.

_Someone else._

I thought I knew her. I thought that she would be faithful and that we were more than just some high school couple.

What a fucking joke.

I don’t even want to know who this other person is. I just need to know one thing.

A choked sob sputters out of my mouth. “Why?” I manage to finally say.

“Because it is what it is and--you don’t belong here,” Katniss tells me as she walks over. Her steps are burdened and heavy. “We were never meant to be. Once school starts, we’ll forget one another. You’ll forget me - I _want_ you to forget about me.”

“That’s complete and utter bullshit,” I spit out angrily. “You’re a fucking coward, Katniss Everdeen. You’re so scared that you’ll be your mother that you won’t even try. But you have become her.”

“Don’t say that!” Her eyes are suddenly hurt.

“It’s true. You’re a cold hearted bitch just like her! I love you and you’re throwing us away like we’re garbage!”

“FUCK YOU, PEETA!” She looks down again before turning to go to her car. “I’m leaving!”

“Go ahead.” My heart has hardened in the ten minutes that we’ve spent together. “Drive off, just like her.”

She stops. Her back is turned to me but I can see that a hand is reaching in front of her. I think she is digging her keys out of the pocket of the sweater. Her steps seem even more loaded as she rushes to the car.

“Is that it?” I ask and she turns to me, her eyes expressionless. “Those are our last words to each other?”

Katniss opens her car door and as she about to step in, she turns and looks at me.

“Have a good life, Peeta.” Her voice isn’t angry, but resigned.

She sits in the front seat of the car and slams the door.

I turn because I can’t watch her drive away. Instead, I look up at the moon as I hear her car drive away from me.

I look at the moon for answers.

It gives me nothing.

It’s at this moment that I realize that I’m not a child anymore. The moon won’t respond.

She won’t come back.

The reality of adulthood overcomes me. It’s like I’m at the bottom of the lake with bricks in my pocket. I keep on trying to fight it.

But in the end, I have to let myself drown. 

* * *

 

Heavy duty stuff.

Katniss is about 19 weeks into her pregnancy at this point, so she is showing a bit.

Cinna has finally made an appearance. You’ll see later on that he has a great influence over Peeta’s career. There is also a clue to a past relationship of Peeta’s in this chapter.

So Hubbs asked me why I chose Lake Merced for their meeting. Lake Merced is in a quieter part of San Francisco and close to San Francisco State. I picked the area because at night, there is very little light except for the moon along with one lone streetlamp in the parking lot. Also, it is one place that I thought that they could have it out without interruption.

Lake Merced is also featured in Two Wrongs.

Once again, I understand if there are those who think Katniss’ behavior might be out of hand but she really isn’t in her right mind. You can also see that there are people who are with her who don’t understand but respect her wishes (i.e. Thresh).

July 15, 1996 is the day the Princess Diana and Prince Charles signed their divorce papers. So there was more than one couple breaking up that day.

Songs:

“Always Be My Baby”- Mariah Carey

“How Do U Want It?” 2pac ft. K-Ci and Jo-Jo

There is some foreshadowing to problems in Katniss’ pregnancy. Did you catch it?

Next: Katniss 2012

Feel free to contact me. Comments and questions are always appreciated. Thank you for reading!

-JLaLa


	21. Chapter Twenty-One: 2012

Thank you to everyone who messaged me about last chapter! It was much appreciated.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie for her support and awesome beta skills! Have fun in Vegas love!

_If you don't expect too much from me_  
 _You might not be let down_  
 _Cause all I really want is to be with you_  
 _Feeling like I matter too_  
 _If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago…_

_-Gin Blossoms “Hey Jealousy” (1993)_

Again

Part Two: Chapter Twenty-One: 2012

**_Monday, December 17, 2012_ **

“You are everything and everything is you…”

“As I live and breathe—is Katniss Everdeen singing?”

I look up from my computer screen and see Johanna leaning against the doorway of my office. I scowl at her amusement.

“Hey, Jo-Jo,” I greet her as I turn off the computer. Grabbing my purse, I get up and move around to front of my desk. “Ready to go?”

She crosses her arms as she walks over to me, “You didn’t answer my question.” Johanna puts a hand on each of my shoulders and gives me a playful grin. “Were you singing?”

I groan before I answer. “Yes, I was singing.” I walk past her and she chases after me.

Putting her arm around me, together we walk towards the building exit. “You’re so in love. It’s just as sickening as before.”

“Well, then stop asking me about it,” I respond as we get to the elevators. “You’re being nosy.”

“Fine. You two are a bore anyway.”

Once we are finally inside the elevator, Johanna turns to me again.

“Have you guys done it yet?”

“Johanna!”

++++++

“Seriously, you need to wear something that’s going to make Peeta drag you to bed,” Johanna says as we look through the racks at Bloomingdale’s. “And maybe we should think about getting you some new underwear. What do you wear to bed?”

“A t-shirt,” I tell her.

“Are you wearing panties?” she asks as we pass a saleswoman, who raises her eyebrows.

“Can we not talk about this here?” I plead. “We’re supposed to be looking for a dress for my holiday party.”

“Don’t you want to knock boots?”

“Who calls it that anymore?” I ask as I pull a white dress with a beaded bodice from the rack.

She grabs the dress from my hand and puts it back.

Johanna shakes her head. “Not white. Do you want to look like a virgin?”

“We have a child together,” I respond as I walk to another rack. “I’m no virgin.”

“How long has it been since you’ve had sex?” she asks.

I stop for a moment and do the math before answering. “I think maybe…eleven years?”

She freezes in her tracks and turns to me with wide eyes.

“Geez, Katniss! What’s down there, cobwebs?” She looks down at my crotch area and I feel my face burn. “Where the hell is that saleswoman?”

Johanna spots the same woman who heard her talking to me about my sleepwear. Taking her index and middle finger, she sticks them in her mouth and whistles to get her attention. The saleswoman rushes over and gives us a smile.

“How can I help you ladies?” she asks as she adjusts her glasses over her nose.

“I need you to find my friend a dress that will make the father of her child _beg_ to take her to bed,” Johanna commands. “She might just re-virginize if we don’t do something.”

“How much do you want him to beg?” the saleswoman asks. I look at her tag and see that her name is Gretchen. “Because begging comes at a price.”

Johanna hands her a credit card and turns to me. “Consider this your Christmas present. I want him on his knees begging. Make it happen.”

Gretchen smiles as she leads us to the plush couches of the women’s dressing room.

 “Have a seat. I have the perfect dress.”

++++++

“What do you think I should get Adina for Christmas?” Peeta asks me as we walk through the crowded mall.

“I think she’d be happy with anything that you bought her,” I reply easily. Peeta gives me a pointed stare and I laugh. “Okay, okay! She actually needs her own set of luggage—for Juilliard.” I falter for a moment. “That’s happening soon, isn’t it? About six months?”

Peeta puts an arm around me. “Hey, hey now...” He kisses me quickly as we weave through the throngs of people. “You still have me. I’m not going anywhere.”

I look up at him. “Really? What about that fancy job in New York?” I ask carefully.

We have never broached the subject of ‘what happens next’ with us. I love how he has found ways to insert himself into the missing holes of our lives. It seems so comfortable and perfect, but I’m scared.

How long can it last?

“I’ll work something out. You just have to trust me,” he replies as we pass the middle of the mall where the North Pole displays are set up. Kids are lined up, excitedly waiting to sit on Santa’s lap and get their pictures taken with him.

Peeta turns to me again. “What did Adina ask Santa for when she was a kid?”

I kiss him again before I answer. “She asked for you.”

“Santa took his time, I guess,” he says. “And what did you ask from Santa?”

“I asked for your forgiveness.”

“A new year is coming up,” Peeta replies and then stops. He takes my hand and moves my knuckles to his lips. “New start.”

“Agreed,” I nod with a grin.

He looks up at the store in front of him. It is all white except for the bright, colorful pieces in the store.

“Kate Spade,” he reads the store sign then turns to me. “Does she make luggage?”

“Kate Spade? You’re going to buy our daughter designer luggage?” He drags me into the store. “I was thinking we could get her something standard, like something from Samsonite.”

He picks up a large purse that looks like a bowling bag.

“Don’t worry,” he says in an assuring tone. “I’ll get her something a little less showy for her other gifts.”

He turns to me again. “Gucci makes leather wallets, right?”

++++++

“Do you think Dad will like it?” Adina asks nervously as she wraps Peeta’s present.

“Of course, babe,” I reply as I place Johanna’s present under our tree.

Peeta and Adina spent copious amounts of time choosing a tree while I waited in the car because it was so cold. The two of them decorated it together while I watch them and took pictures. It was sweet to see Adina light up as the ten foot tree came to life. She was always enthusiastic when it came to tree decorating as a child. As she grew, her interest in it faded, but then Peeta came and brought it back to life.

“What are you getting Dad?”

Adina tightens the ribbon on her present and places it under the tree before turning back to me. We both sit on the floor with gift wrapping around us.

“I’m not too sure yet,” I reply as I begin wrapping Gale’s present. It’s a box set of the Godfather Trilogy.

“I know what you can get him.”

“What?”

“Sex.”

I almost drop the scissors on my thighs. I look up at Adina, whose her cheeks are flushed a bright red.

“Adina June—“ I only call her that when I want her to know I mean business. “Why would you say something like that?”

“Auntie Jo-Jo might’ve mentioned that you two sleep in the same bed but nothing is happening…” her voice trails off guiltily. “Don’t you want to be with Dad?”

“Jo-Jo is no longer allowed to drink in this house.” Her lips get quite loose when she’s had a shot or two. “Adina, she shouldn’t have told you that but since she did—“ I pause to think for a moment. “It’s complicated. Sex can be complicated.”

“Didn’t you like it with Dad?” She leans forward. “He wasn’t bad at it, was he?”

“No!” I say, louder than I expected. “Your Dad was perfectly adequate. More than adequate, actually.”

“Gross!”

“Well, you asked, kid,” I retort. “Why all the questions?”

She bites her lip nervously and pulls her hand through her long hair. Then Adina looks up at me with sadness swimming in her eyes.

“What’s to keep him from leaving us again?” she asks me. “Maybe if you two were a bit further along physically, then you could move to the next level.”

“You can’t use sex to make someone stay,” I tell her. “Sex is not a bargaining tool.”

“I know,” she says and looks down. Adina picks at the carpet. “But isn’t it a way to show someone that you love them?”

“It can be but—“ I stop for a minute. “Adina, have you…”

Her head shoots up and she begins shaking it wildly. “No! No!” She clasps her hands on her lap. “I mean, I’ve thought about it but not yet. I’m just wondering because what if I meet someone at Julliard and things progress—or Bailey comes to visit?”

She and Bailey have broken up but remain friends. They both knew that it couldn’t go anywhere further, especially when they were going to be living apart.

“I mean, should I go on birth control?”

I feel like someone just smacked me with a bat. All I can do, however, is tell her the truth.

“If you think you’ll need to, then you should… but that doesn’t give you the green light to hump anything that moves.”

“MOM!”

I grin in spite of myself and flick her nose playfully. “You asked for my opinion.”

++++++

“Adina asked me about birth control,” I tell Peeta later that night.

 My head lies on his bare chest and I try not to think about how smooth it is.

He shifts so he can look at me. “I wish you’d never told me that,” he says slowly. “I just want to keep her sweet, seventeen, and virginal forever.”

I sit up in bed and he follows suit. “I feel the exact same way.”

“I kind of want to punch that Bailey in the nuts, too.”

I laugh before turning to him. “You know that if anyone would initiate sex, it would be Adina. She was raised to be a leader.”

“Just like her Mama,” he says and an easy grin falls onto his lips.

“She also talked to me about one more thing,” I confess, feeling my cheeks heat up.

“What?”

“Us. Me. You. In this bed.” I look down. “Apparently, Johanna has loose lips when she drinks.”

“She is not allowed with Adina after two drinks,” he tells me and I nod in agreement. “What did she say?”

“That we don’t do anything but sleep in bed,” I reply quietly. “Adina is concerned that you won’t stick around if there’s no guarantee for sex.”

I don’t reveal that a tiny part inside of me is also worried.

Peeta shifts in bed and moves closer to me. He lifts my chin with his finger gently and our eyes meet.

“Do you want to?” he asks.

“I do,” I reply carefully. “But I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

I think for a moment before answering. “What if we’re bad at it—with each other?” He laughs quietly and shakes his head at me. I hit his chest in response. “Don’t laugh at me!”

“Katniss, we’re not going to be bad at it,” he assures me. “This is you and me. We did a lot of experimenting when we were younger. Honestly, I don’t think my moves have changed.” He looks up at me with raised brows. “Unless you’ve learned a thing or two since we’ve been apart?”

I don’t respond and he sighs in frustration. He knows when he shouldn’t push me to tell him things.

“I know that we won’t be bad because we love each other,” Peeta continues. “But we don’t have to until you give me a sign that you’re ready.”

I look into his eyes and suddenly I’m not worried about what’s going to happen. I know he won’t hurt me.

I was never one to convey my feelings with words, so I decide to give him a sign.

Taking his hand, I place it on my breast. He inhales sharply but doesn’t move his hand. Instead, he caresses me before thumbing my nipple until it’s peaked.

I feel my insides coil pleasurably. It’s been a long time since I’ve been touched. Since—

Peeta presses his forehead against mine and our mouths find their way to one another. The first kiss is hungry and breathless. When we pull away, I don’t know whose heart is beating faster.

The second kiss is slower; I remember exactly how he liked to be kissed before making love. Peeta preferred his kisses to be slow and that’s exactly how I kiss him. I place light kisses against his strong jaw before I take his lower lip in-between my own before following suit with the upper. He groans into my mouth.

My hands move to his shirt where I grasp the bottom and pull it over his head. The hunger takes over and my mouth moves to his collarbone, where I place wet kisses along it. Peeta lays back to watch me and his hand moves to undo the braid in my hair.

I look down at him and we both smile at one another. After all these years, we still remember.

“Are you okay?” he asks nervously.

I nod before pulling my own t-shirt over my head.  I don’t wear a bra to bed, so I’m bare-chested with only my white cotton panties on. Peeta’s eyes widen and his hands reach to thumb my nipples again.

“It doesn’t feel like the first time,” I whisper tightly. “It’s like I never forgot how you feel, how you make me feel.”

“I know.” He sits up and places his lips behind my earlobe, causing me to cry out softly. “I guess that still works for you.”

“More,” I urge. “I need more.”

Moving towards the middle of the bed, I reach for the elastic of his boxers and yank the waistband down.

Finally, there he is—naked and wanting before me.

“I feel like this should be more epic,” he remarks. “Like we should have music and candles.”

“We were never into that kind of thing anyway,” I reply. “I think this is perfect. We will have so many other times to make love that way.”

Getting off the bed, I hook my thumbs into the elastic of my panties and slowly pull them down as he watches.  My eyes never stray from his as I do.

When they are on the ground, I walk back to the bed slowly so that he can watch my nude form. Getting up on the bed, I sit next to him before gently pushing him back.

“Are we really doing this?” Peeta asks me as I straddle him.

“Yes,” I say and sink down onto his rock-hard length.

There are no words to describe the pleasure running through my body. Like before, he fits inside me perfectly; I feel the pulsing of his cock and let out a breath to relax.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Just savoring,” I reply breathlessly.

His hands move to my hips and he guides them up before letting me come down again. We both moan at the sensation.

Peeta looks up at me; his usually bright blue eyes have darkened as he watches me gyrate against him. His hands reach to cup each of my breasts before he pinches both of my nipples. The pain and the pleasure of it all causes me to move faster towards completion.

“Oh God—Katniss, I’m going to come soon if you keep going like this,” he tells me as he begins to push his hips up to meet my thrusts.

“AHH!” I yelp, covering my mouth. Our daughter is a few doors down and Johanna’s room is to right of ours.

“I love you so much, baby,” Peeta says as we move frantically towards our release.

Sweat glistens against Peeta’s chest and without thinking, I lean down to suck the skin on his breastbone.

I meet his eyes and grin. “I love you, too.”

Peeta suddenly shifts and flips me over so that my back is now on the bed. He pulls out of me and I moan in frustration.

“Patience, Katniss,” he says as he looks down at me with a grin. God, he’s so fucking sexy when he smiles like that.

“I’ve been patient,” I argue.

Peeta doesn’t reply. Instead, he takes my leg and places it over his shoulder before he pushes himself into me again. My hips arch in response and my eyes roll to the back of my head.

I feel the familiar tightening inside of me, and I know Peeta can feel it too because he begins to move faster. The room is filled with our low moans as we try to keep the other people in the house from knowing what is happening.

“Peeta, I’m coming…” I can feel my insides gripping onto him as I do. Peeta leans down and I grab at his hair, pulling his lips to mine so I can scream out my orgasm into his mouth. He responds by pushing himself farther in and moaning into my mouth.

With one last thrust, he fills me and my body responds, arching up as he does.

Peeta slowly pulls out of me and my sensitive nerves cause me to gasp. He falls back next to me on the bed, breathless. I can hardly breathe myself; this is the first time in years that we’ve been together.

After all this time, the feeling of him makes me feel complete.

He pulls me to him and I lay my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat return to its normal rate.

“Stay with me,” I tell him tiredly.

My eyes drift close before I can hear him respond.

++++++

**_Friday, December 21, 2012_ **

“Delly spares no expense when it comes to her holiday parties, does she?”

I turn to see Peeta behind me with two glasses of champagne.

Everyone has shown up at the museum for the company party. A large stage has been set up as a jazz band plays. We’ve been here for a few hours and the dance floor is completely full. Peeta tried to persuade me to dance with him, but I wasn’t having it. Delly finally indulged him and let him take a turn with her. They had been good friends during high school.

“You know Delly,” I reply as he hands me the glass. “She loves to indulge.”

He nods in agreement and then wraps an arm around me. “Have I told you how beautiful you look?” His mouth finds its way to my bare shoulder.

I really should thank Johanna tomorrow.

The dress that Gretchen picked out for me is perfect. Black with spaghetti straps and a sweetheart neckline, it reaches down to below my knees so it’s still tasteful. However, it is tight and clings to every curve that I have. The fabric is leather-esque and stretchy, the ruching on my hips helping me to feel a little less conscious about the tightness of it.

I brush my lips against his quickly. “Thank you, but I seriously need to get out of this dress. I can barely breathe. I think Johanna picked a size too small for me.”

“I think you look great,” Peeta replies as he looks me over. “But if you really want to go home and take it off for me, then that’s fine.” He gives me a playful smile.

“Horny bastard.”

“And proud of it!“ He kisses me and I surrender quickly to taste of his champagne-laced lips.

Since that first night, we’ve had a hard time keeping our hands off each other. Thresh got a good eyeful of Peeta’s ass when he walked in on us in the kitchen yesterday.

Not that he minded.

“Katniss!” Someone calls out, though it sounds hazy in my lust filled mind.

I manage to pull away before we get too far. We don’t want a repeat of the coat room incident from this evening. Security has their eyes on us already.

Delly is in front of us. She hasn’t changed much from high school. Well, she actually ditched her black framed glasses, bleached hair and the plaid pants, so she does look different. Delly, however, is still as smart and tough as she was back then.

Tonight, she is dressed elegantly in a sleeveless ruffled collar dress, while her hair is twisted in a bun resting low on the nape of her neck.

“How are you two liking the party?” she asks.

“We’re having a good time,” Peeta replies, then looks over at me with a teasing smile. “Although I think Katniss has had a little too much champagne. She’s been all over me.”

I hit his arm. “No, I haven’t!”

Delly laughs. “We believe you,” she responds and winks at Peeta. “Why don’t you get this little lady home for some R&R?”

Peeta kisses my cheek. “I’ll go get your coat. See you later, Delly.”

“See you, Peeta,” Delly responds before turning to me with a sly smile. “Well, well, Katniss. Looks like you two are getting along well.”

“It’s been a good couple of days for us.”

“I’m really glad that you’re happy,” she tells me. “After all these years, you two still look at each other the same way.”

“How is that?”

“Like you want to fuck each other against a wall,” Delly grins at me. “Or in a coat check closet. I saw the security tape.” She gives me a quick hug. “See you Monday!”

Delly waves before rejoining her date—some guy from IT. She was always in love with computer techies and lost her virginity to one during our sophomore year at State.

I take a sip from my glass and turn to put it on a nearby table when I knock into someone.

I must be drunker than I think.

“I’m so sorry—“

“Katniss?”

I look up to see a tall, familiar blond and the blood drains from my face. “Cato?”

Cato gives me a big smile. “How are you, kid?”

“I’m good,” I reply. “A little drunk, but good. What are you doing here?”

“My girlfriend works in your HR department,” he says and points behind me.  I turn to spot a red haired woman in a green dress; she gives him a quick wave.

“Cool.”

He shifts in place. “How’s Deenie?”

“She’s good.” A proud smile grows on my face. “She got into Juilliard.”

“Juilliard? That’s great!” he says. “She always was playing on that piano of hers. I guess she’s playing a lot more than ‘Chopsticks’ now.”

“Yup, she’s actually writing her own music,” I inform him.

“You have a picture of her? Every time I see a little dark haired girl, I think it’s my Deenie. I miss her.”

“Yeah!” I take my wallet out of my clutch and open it to show him Adina’s senior photo. “She’s not a little girl anymore, though.”

“She looks just like you,” Cato replies as he stares at the photo. “I’d really love to catch up with her.”

“I think she’d like that,” I say. “We still have the same phone number. Give her a call.” I pause for a moment. “Where are you working now?”

“Stanford Medical Center.”

“Living the dream just like you wanted,” I say with a soft smile. “I’m proud of you.”

“Katniss?” I turn to see Peeta holding my coat. He is eyeing Cato suspiciously.

“Peeta, this is Cato.”

Cato puts his hand out eagerly. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” He looks at Peeta for a moment. “Deenie has your eyes.”

“Deenie?” Peeta repeats.

“He means Adina,” I tell him.

“I’d better go,” Cato says. “Don’t want to leave my date waiting.” He kisses my cheek and then shakes Peeta’s hand once more. “I’ll give Deenie a call in a few days.”

“See you, Cato,” I say with a final wave. I watch him join his girlfriend and then turn to Peeta. “Let’s go.”

++++++

“Ask me.”

“What?” Peeta asks as we drive back home. The trip so far has been silent, both of us wrapped up in our own memories.

“You want to know who he is.”

“I do,” he says honestly. “So who is he?”

I take a deep breath. “Remember the UCSF t-shirt in my drawer? The one you put on me during our first date?”

“What about it?”

“It was Cato’s.”

* * *

 

Not too many notes, but you got some Cato and Delly!

“You are Everything” is sung by The Stylistics.

The dress that Katniss to the party wears is made by ‘Stop Staring’. Let me know if you want to check it out!

The next flashback chapter will take place in November 1996, which if you didn’t already know, is the month that Adina’s born. So yes—it’s the birth chapter. My music rec for you?  “Lightning Crashes” by Live.

There will be other skips in time after this, which is pretty similar to _Two Wrongs_.

Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

Next: Katniss-November ‘96

-JLaLa


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two: 1996

Here it is! The birth of Adina.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to my dearest, darling Chelzie! She is the bomb!

_Lightning crashes--a new mother cries_  
 _This moment she's been waiting for_  
 _the angel opens her eyes…pale blue colored iris,_  
 _presents the circle and puts the glory out to hide…_

_-Live “Lightning Crashes” (1995)_

Again

Part Two: Chapter 22: 1996

**_Tuesday, November 12, 1996_ **

“Anything?”

Johanna looks at my swollen belly as I sit on the couch.

Today is my due date.

I shake my head. “Nothing.”

I haven’t felt anything that Portia, my doctor, had told me I might feel if I went into labor. I met Portia after I left Peeta in that parking lot months ago and drove right to the emergency room of San Francisco General. The cramping had started right before I met Peeta and the bleeding started right after I left.

Portia had been the attending doctor and obstetrician that night. I liked her from the moment I met her so she became my obstetrician. She understood my nervousness around doctors, so she told me to call her by her first name.

“Well, you’ll tell me if you feel anything, okay?” Johanna says to me nervously. Her eyes continuously dart to my stomach. It’s like she thinks that the baby will just pop out of me like a jack-in-the-box.

“Yes, I’ll be okay,” I tell her as I take the remote next to me. Turning it on, I flip through the channels passing a picture of a 747 before turning it onto to MTV. “Your study group is coming soon, so you’d better get the dining room ready.”

“I can call everyone and cancel!”

What a mother hen.

The doorbell rings, interrupting our conversation. “I think it’s too late for that now.” I smile up at her. “Get the door, Jo-Jo.”

“Shorty get down, good Lord…” Johanna sings along to the song on TV as she walks to the door. Opening it, she grins at the person on the other side. “You’re the first one here! Come in.”

She ushers in a tall blond boy wearing a bright red FUBU shirt and khakis. For a moment, I think I see Peeta. When he turns to see me, I can see that he looks completely different. His eyes are blue but sharp and his chin much squarer than my former boyfriend’s.

“Katniss, this is Cato, one of my classmates in biology,” Johanna introduces him. “This is Katniss, my roommate—and this is her stomach.”

I glare at her before holding my hand out to him. “Nice to meet you. I’d get up, but my doctor advises against it.”

He shakes my hand and smiles warmly. Cato is a lot better looking when he smiles.

“Nice to meet you,” he says. Cato looks down at my stomach. “May I?”

I look at him for a moment before nodding. Kneeling before me, he places a hand over my stomach and is silent for a moment.

“My sister just had a baby, so I’ve been fascinated with the obstetric aspect of medicine lately,” he explains and then stops suddenly at the top of my stomach. Taking my hand, he places it over the spot where his hand was. “There’s the heartbeat.”

I feel the tiny, rapid pumping underneath my hand and then smile at him. “That’s amazing!”

He blushes. “Glad it made your day.”

“Ahem.” We both look up to see Johanna grinning at us. “If you can stop making a pass at Katniss, then we can start getting ready for the rest of the group.”

He sighs before standing back up. Cato nods at me, his eyes playful.

“I’ll see you around. Maybe the little one will be out by then,” he says. “It was nice meeting you.”

“Nice meeting you, too.”

++++++

I don’t mind that she’s late.

I like to think that maybe she finds comfort being in my belly. I look over at my desk where a framed sonogram stands under the light of my desk lamp. This one doesn’t look like a blob but I can see her sharp profile and can already tell that her upturned nose is Peeta’s.

God, I miss him.

It’s even worse tonight. Johanna went to have a late dinner with her study group. She invited me along, but I don’t want to be some charity case even though Cato assured me that it was fine.

He looks too much like Peeta.

I trace circles against my belly and can feel her moving about.

“Hey, sweetie,” I say to my bump. “Planning on coming out soon?”

No response.

“It’s okay.” I get up and walk over to the desk. Pulling out the framed photo in my drawer, I place the group photo—that very first one that Peeta took of us—right next to the sonogram. “Your Dad took this picture. He’s really good, isn’t he?”

Sighing, I caress the belly again. “Should I call him? It’s almost Thanksgiving—maybe he should know about you.” I feel sharp pain on my side. “Okay…okay…I made a vow. We can’t take him away from that life.”

A knock on the door interrupts my conversation. The door opens and Prim peeks out from the small opening.

“How are you feeling?” she asks in a timid voice. Prim hasn’t been the same since Mom left. We haven’t heard from her at all. I think she sent Dad some money for us, but nothing else. My younger sister is a shell of her once vivacious self.

“Come in,” I tell her. “I was just talking to the bump.”

She walks in and closes the door. In Prim’s hand is a glass of milk, which she hands to me. “To help her sleep.”

“Thanks,” I accept gratefully. Prim sits down on the edge of my bed. She toys with the hem of her ‘Hey Arnold’ t-shirt and then looks up at me quizzically. “What are you thinking about?”

“Does it hurt?” she asks as she stares at me.

“What?” I realize after a moment that she is looking at my enormous stomach. “Oh—sometimes. When she got bigger, my stomach had to accommodate and it was sore for a bit.” I give her a small smile and notice the tenseness in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Mom hasn’t called us,” she whispers. “It’s like she’s forgotten us.”

I stand up and walk over to her. Carefully, I sit next to her and take her hand.

“She didn’t forget us,” I tell her. “I think…” I search for the words. “I think she’s just lost her way.”

“Everything I ever thought was real just isn’t.” Prim looks up at me and her eyes brim with tears. “Did we do something to make her go away?”

I pull her to me immediately. “You didn’t do a single thing to make her leave. If anything, I think she was unhappy that her life didn’t go as planned.”

Prim looks up at me. “Your life didn’t go as planned. Are you going to leave your baby one day?”

I shake my head. “No. Mom looked at her life a different way than I do.  I have plans and I’m taking the baby along for the ride.” Prim grins at me and I kiss her forehead. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Do you think I should tell Peeta?” I ask her. “I already know what Thresh and Johanna think, but I want you to tell me—truthfully.”

Prim looks surprised that I’m asking for her opinion. She looks away for a moment before turning to me again.

“Honestly—I think you’re doing the right thing,” she says to me softly. “I even understand why you’re doing it. No one will ever understand more than I do because…she was your mother, too. And she said some horrible things to you.”

I feel my eyes begin to burn. “Thanks, Prim.”

She nods and then stands up. Turning to me, she kneels down and puts her hand on my belly.

“We’re going to love you,” she says. “You’ll never want for a father or a grandmother because we will be more than enough.” Prim waits for a moment and then nods. “Good night, kid.” Then she meets my eyes. “You’re going to be a good Mom.”

“I hope so.” I reach for her hand. “I love you, Prim.”

She snorts. “You’re so emotional. That totally isn’t you.”

I stick my tongue out at her. “Go to bed!”

Prim laughs and walks to the door before turning to me. “I love you, too.” Opening the door, she rushes out before I can reply.

Teenagers.

++++++

**_Monday, November 18, 1996_ **

“You have to get off that couch,” Johanna tells me. “I swear to God—you’re making a permanent ass mark on that cushion.”

“Up yours.”

Thresh stands next to her, the yellow anorak standing out against his sagging black jeans. He gives me a playful grin and I glare up at him. He is a traitor. Thresh is usually down for hanging out and watching music videos.

Today, however, they’re both ganging up on me. They think I need to go for a walk.

But I can’t. I just can’t go out there. They don’t understand that people stare. Ever since Mom left, the neighbors have kept a close eye on us.

Thresh kneels before me and gives me another bright smile.

“Girl, what can I do to make you smile?”

“I want you to go home,” I tell him tersely and adjust myself in my seat. My back is killing me.

“No,” Johanna says for him. “We are going to cheer you up!”

Walking over to the stereo system, she turns the radio dial until she finds the perfect song.

“Yes!” She runs back to us. Johanna winks at Thresh. “Remember that dance routine that we did for beginners’ hip hop?”

Thresh nods excitedly. “Hell yeah!”

I roll my eyes—I hate this song.

“Really? Adina Howard?” I ask them.

“Just relax and enjoy my mad singing skills,” Johanna says as she begins to sway.

Her pinstripe crop top rides up and I stare jealously at her flat stomach. I will never be able to wear a crop top again. The thought alone makes me miserable.

God, these hormones—and this back pain.

_“I want to freak in the morning_  
 _A freak in the evening just like me_  
 _I need a roughneck brother_  
 _That can satisfy me...just for me_  
 _If you are that kind of man_  
 _'Cuz I’m that kind of girl_  
 _I got a freaky secret, everybody sing_  
 _'Cause we don't give a damn about a thing…”_

Johanna dances next to Thresh and then begins to grind her bottom against his pelvis. Thresh responds by snapping his fingers as he pushes his pelvis into hers.

I feel a smile grow on my face. “You did this for your dance class?”

“Yes! And we got a ‘A’!” Thresh tells me breathlessly.

He takes Johanna’s hand and whirls her around so that she’s facing him. Moving in closer, Johanna lets Thresh lift one of her legs so that it hooks against his hip as they grind against each other.

“And you did that, too?”

Johanna shakes her head and laughs loudly. “They never let us finish!”

She dances away from Thresh as she sings, then winks at him.

He sings along to the song as they dance.

_“One to the two, to the two, to the three_  
 _Adina, do you want to get freaky with me?”_

Then it happens. Another pain, but sharper and my whole stomach seems to tense. Then the feeling of wetness.

“OW!” I grip my stomach instinctively.

My friends stop immediately. Johanna is by my side in a nanosecond.

“What’s going on?” she asks.

“Either I wet my pants or my water broke,” I tell them.

“Holy shit, she’s going into labor,” Thresh says. He looks panicked. “What do we do?”

“We take her to the hospital, dumbass,” Johanna replies. “Call her Dad and then go get your car!”

“But I just got new seat covers—“

“Thresh, if you don’t drive me to the hospital, I will have the baby here and then choke you with the umbilical cord,” I tell him through clenched teeth. The pain has subsided, but I can feel  the heaviness of her body inside my abdomen.

“Right, right…” Thresh feels for his keys in his jeans and then rushes out the door.

Johanna helps me up and I put an arm around her. She meets my eyes. “You ready?”

I shake my head and manage to smile. “No. And you?”

“No.”

“Glad we agree on something,” I tell her.

“Let’s get this little girl out of you,” she says as she leads me out the door.

++++++

**_November 18, 1996 6:15pm_ **

**San Francisco General Hospital**

“She’s not moving,” Portia tells my father after she checks me again. “I’m worried because the baby’s heart rate is dropping.” She turns to me. “I think we need to do a C-section. What do you think?”

I nod. I’m exhausted and I can feel the tears start to fall. “Will she be okay?”

Portia places her hand over mine. “I will get her out as soon as I can. I promise.”

“Okay.” I don’t even recognize my own voice. I turn to my Dad. “Will you come with me?”

He nods with a wet smile. “Of course. Do you want anyone else?”

“The rest of them, if that’s okay,” I say and then turn to Portia. “Is that okay?”

“Usually it’s not, but I think we can work something out,” she tells me assuringly. “They will have to make sure that they’re calm, though, especially that Thresh.”

After we got here, I don’t know who screamed louder each time I had a contraction: me or Thresh.

“Okay, let’s do this,” I say.

Portia turns to the nurse next to us. “Notify the anesthesiologist that we will be going to Op One and notify the team to begin prep.” She turns to us again and gives me a gentle smile. “In a few minutes, you’re going to be a mother.”

“I wish Peeta was here.” The words fall out of my mouth without me realizing it.

Dad looks at me for a moment. “Do you want me to call him?”

I bite my lip and shake my head. “It’s only the pain talking. Let’s do this.”

++++++

**_6:24pm_ **

“You okay?” Prim asks as she grips my hand.

“Yeah, just feeling a lot of pressure,” I tell her. “Do you see anything?”

Prim shakes her head. The blue sheet covers my abdomen and I don’t feel anything except for the movement of the surgeon’s tools in my belly.

“You’re doing great, baby,” Dad says from my other side. “She’s almost here.”

“Katniss, we’re getting ready to get her out,” Portia tells me from in front of the blue covering. There is a sucking noise from one of the machines. “She has dark hair.”

“Did you hear that?” Johanna says as she walks over from behind me. Her eyes are shining and I can tell she is beaming, even though she’s wearing a surgical mask. “She’s coming.”

Thresh is standing behind my Dad with a camera as we wait for my baby and he gives me a smile. “You have a name picked out?”

I smile back. “Yeah, I do.”

“What is it?”

“Adina.” Thresh guffaws before taking another picture.

“Katniss,” Portia says. “You’re going to feel a little pressure.”

I inhale sharply. “Doesn’t feel like a little!” I meet my Dad’s eyes. “Dad…”

I can’t get the words out as I look at him. I want to tell him that I love him and how shitty this situation is. He probably thought that he would be sending his oldest to college, not holding her hand as she gives birth.

But the words don’t come. Instead, they are interrupted by the sounds of a shrill cry.

“She’s here,” Dad whispers into my ear. “I’m so proud of you, Katniss. You did great.” His eyes are full of tears.

“What color are her eyes?” I ask.

Johanna rushes over to where they are cleaning Adina. When she comes back, I can see her holding the bundle that is my daughter.

“They’re blue,” she says hoarsely. “The nurse says that they’re all that color when they come out, so they’re probably going to change.”

Behind me, I can hear the click of Thresh’s camera and his sniffling.

As Johanna moves closer, Prim stands up from where she was sitting so that Johanna can sit next to me.

Then I get my first real look at my baby.

She is swaddled in a white blanket and her head is covered with a matching cap, but I see the dark hair peeking out. Her lips are small and pink, and her chubby cheeks are red. Her mouth opens to let out a small cry and I can’t help but smile.

“Hey, Adina,” I greet her shakily. “I’m your Mom.”

Her eyes open slowly and I can see the blue in them. I can already tell that they will change in time.

The shape of her eyes, however, will not.

She has Peeta’s eyes.

++++++

I’m in love.

Adina sleeps against my chest and I close my eyes contently. She sighs against me.

I hear a click then open my eyes. Johanna is in the doorway with Thresh’s camera in her hands.

“Hey,” I say hoarsely. I try to sit up but I don’t realize how weak I am until I feel the wave of dizziness hit. “Oh, God.”

“What?” Johanna asks as she sits next to me.

“I just had a baby about an hour or so ago.” My mouth feels gummy. “I’m really tired.”

“You look pale,” she responds as she looks me over. “Did they get you all fixed up?”

“Nurse checked on me,” I reply as I try to sit up again. “There’s some bleeding, but they said it would stop. Where is everyone?”

“Prim and your Dad went to grab some food in the cafeteria,” Johanna informs me. “Thresh is talking to his Mom.”

Another wave of dizziness hits and I grab onto her arm. “Take Adina.”

“Katniss?” Johanna takes Adina from me quickly. “Are you okay?”

I can feel something warm on my lower half. I try to get the words out but my mouth can’t form the words.

“Holy crap!” I hear her mutter. She places Adina back into her glass crib then comes back to me. Her face blurs in front of me. I can feel her warm hand on my forehead, then the feeling of her moving my blankets aside. “You’re bleeding.”

Her hands shakily search for the remote and when she finds it, she presses the call button.

“I need someone in here now! She’s bleeding!”

“I feel cold,” I tell her.

Then everything goes dark.

++++++

Adina’s crying.

My eyes feel heavy but I push forward because I know my little girl needs me. It’s funny how motherly instincts take over without you knowing it.

As I adjust to the room’s light, I notice that it’s morning. In front of me are Dad and Portia, who are talking quietly while my Dad holds Adina.

“Dad…” I call out but my voice comes out hoarse and quiet. He turns quickly and a smile of relief floods his face.

“Katniss!” He rushes over to me. My heavy arms reach out for Adina and soon she is cradled against my chest. “We were worried.”

“What happened?” I ask.

Portia approaches me slowly, her eyes sad. “What do you remember?”

“I was holding Adina,” I tell them. “I felt dizzy and then I had a hard time trying to talk. I asked Johanna to take the baby from me. Then I felt cold—and nothing.”

“Katniss, when they were closing you up, the team didn’t notice that there was a clot,” she says to me. Her eyes are full of regret. “So what we thought was regular bleeding was actually the clot slowly leaking out. Then it burst and that’s when you started to hemorrhage.”

“But I’m okay, right?” My eyes focus on Adina who is waving her arms around. I kiss her forehead and sigh at her sweet expression.

“We did everything we could,” Portia continues.

My Dad stands beside her and their eyes meet before they look at me again.

“Sweetheart, there was too much blood and we were so scared that we would lose you. They tried to give you transfusions but it wasn’t working.”

“In the end, the only option was an emergency hysterectomy,” Portia tells me.

I’m rocking Adina as I realize what she is saying. There will be no more babies for me.

Adina is my first and my last.

I can’t seem to process what she is telling me, so I just keep on rocking Adina in my arms. I hold her like there is no tomorrow.

“Katniss, do you understand what Portia is telling you?” I can hear Dad coming towards me.

“Does Mom know that I had a baby?” I ask suddenly.

Adina gurgles and I stare at her tiny mouth as she tries to smile.

Dad stops in his tracks. I don’t look at him as he answers. “Yes, she does.”

He doesn’t go any further. The silence is enough for me to understand that she knows but doesn’t care.

A horrible darkness overwhelms me. Maybe it’s the hormones but I can’t breathe.

Then I realize it’s because I’m crying too hard.

* * *

 

Katniss’ story is based on different experiences that I’ve read on childbirth boards, as well as doing some other research. Honestly, it was a difficult chapter for me to get through with everything I’m going through. But I did it and I’m happy with the results.

The 747 that Katniss sees briefly see on television is stock footage of the Saudi Arabian Boeing which collided with a Kazakhstan Airlines plane in India on November 12, 1996. 349 people lost their lives.

FUBU (“For Us, By Us”) clothing is a casual wear hip-hop clothing line founded in 1992 in New York. It hit its popularity in the late 90’s, but Cato is ahead of the game.

“Hey Arnold!” was a cartoon that aired on Nickelodeon and premiered in October of 1996. It was one of my favorite cartoons.

The yellow anorak worn by Thresh is probably the ones done by Cybertek (I had a red one) since the Old Navy anoraks weren’t big until the late 90’s. Thresh is a trendy one, isn’t he?

Songs:

“No Diggity” sung by Blackstreet featuring Dr. Dre

“Freak Like Me” sung by Adina Howard

Thank you all for your patience. I’m working in-between my health issues and appreciate your support!

Please feel free to message if you have any questions.

Next: Peeta 2012

-JLaLa


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three: 2012

Thank you for all your patience! I know that this update is a long time coming. I’m still working on some health issues but have been steadily improving.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to my dearest Chelzie—who is an awesome beta and friend.

_Turning circles in time again_   
_It cuts like a knife, oh now_   
_If you love me got to know for sure_   
_‘Cause it takes something more this time_   
_Than sweet, sweet lies…_

_-David Gray “This Years Love” (1999)_

Again

Part Two, Chapter 23: 2012

**_Saturday, December 22, 2012_ **

“Say something.”

I turn toward Katniss as we wait for the light to turn green and try to find the right thing to say. But I can’t seem to get the words out.

There is only one thought I have in my head.

_She was with someone else._

And this guy—he knew my daughter before I did!

“What the hell do you want me to say?” I blurt out. “His shirt? How long was this guy in your life?”

The light turns green and turning away from her, I drive up the hill going towards her home.

“Five years,” she responds just as we pull into the driveway behind Adina’s car.

The house is dark; it is well past midnight and our daughter is probably fast asleep.

“Five years?” I park and turn off the engine, ripping my seatbelt off before looking over at her. “Really, Katniss? You have to stop keeping secrets from me!”

I put my hands on the steering wheel and take a deep breath before turning to her again.

Katniss looks trapped; her eyes follow mine, trying to figure out how she should approach me.

I feel myself deflate—I don’t want her to be scared of me.

I’ve been told that I can get out of hand when I’m --emotional.

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt that way, though.

“I met him before Adina was born,” she starts softly. “He was in Johanna’s study group when we were at State.  I would see him once in a while whenever he came over to study. We were involved for about a year, but it just didn’t work out.”

“Was he there?” I have to know.

“When?”

“When Adina was born?” I’m surprised to find my anger replaced with a sudden heaviness inside.

It should’ve been me.

Katniss reaches over and places a hand over mine. I relax my grip on the steering wheel. “No.”

“But he was there for the rest? The first time she walked or talked—“ I push her hand away and turn to look at her, beginning to see red. “You let him have everything that I should have had! EVERYTHING!”

“I DID NOT!” Katniss screams back at me. “Prim was there when Adina took her first steps!  Johanna for her first word! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU!”

“But you did do it, Katniss. You fucked me over and I missed out on my daughter!”

The windows have steamed up due to the coldness of the weather and the angered heat of our argument.

“How many times do I have to apologize to you?” she asks. “I thought we were trying to get past all this. A new start, remember?”

“How can we start when you keep things from me? This is big, Katniss.”

Katniss bows her head down for a moment. Looking up again, she looks resigned. “Ask me whatever you want to know,” she pauses, looking towards the house. “But let’s go inside first.”

Taking a deep breath, I nod before opening my door to jump out of the car, slamming it behind me. I see Katniss flinch as the door closes.

This isn’t the way I wanted the night to go.

Going to her side, I open her door and hold out my hand. Katniss hesitates for a moment before placing her hand in mine.

“I thought you were mad at me,” she says as she gets up.

“I am,” I reply tiredly. “But we all have skeletons---“

I push back the memory of her face and then his eyes out of my mind.

“—And eventually, you’ll have to know mine.”

++++++

“I started seeing Cato when Adina was four.”

Katniss sits on her side of the bed as I lean back against the headboard.

“He was always at the house, you know,” she continued. “Johanna and Cato were applying to the same medical schools so they would go over school brochures. I taught him how to navigate the internet and one day he asked me out.”

“Were you in love with him?”

She shakes her head and then looks over at me. “How could I be? You were never far from my mind—and I think he knew that, but he was persistent.”

Katniss turns to me. “How about you? What was her name?”

“Glimmer.” I close my eyes for a moment. “She was everything you weren’t.”

“Oh.” I open my eyes and I can see the pain in hers.

“She was blonde, blue eyed, and loud,” I tell her. “Glimmer loved to party—“ I stop for a moment. “I guess I needed to forget you by picking someone who wasn’t like you physically or mentally.”

Katniss crawls over to my side. “Please don’t be jealous of Cato. I was never his—I was always yours.”

My hand reaches over to her face and I lean forward so I can kiss her softly. Her mouth instantly melts against my own and I surrender myself to taste of her tongue. Her taste has me hard instantly and my hands go to her hips, guiding her over me.

We both know that we won’t be talking for the rest of the night.

She pulls away quickly and her hands frantically grab the waist of my pajama bottoms as I throw my shirt off.  After yanking my pants down along with my briefs, my eyes meet the feral steel in hers and all coherent thoughts leave my mind.

I need her.

Pulling her own shirt off, she straddles me and I don’t waste anytime taking her panties off. I yank the fabric in-between her thighs aside and Katniss sinks down eagerly against my cock.

I’m engulfed in the tight wetness of her and shots of pleasure spike through my body as she begins to ride me. I guide her hips as she rises until only my tip is inside her before roughly pushing myself back into her slit.

“Oh fuck!” The words tumble out of her mouth and I reach behind her head so I can kiss her. Our tongues sloppily intermingle as I impatiently push up into her heat.

“You’re mine.” I lean my forehead against hers and she looks up at me, her grey eyes lost in pleasure. “Tell me, you’re mine.”

I know how I sound but I just need to hear it. Because there is a part of me that fears that I could lose her.

And I’ve lost enough people already.

My hands cup her ass so I can move deeper into her. I know she is close because she begins grinding against me, desperate to come.

Her eyes bore into mine as we move. “I’m yours.”

The look in her eyes triggers something inside me. Quickly, her back is against the mattress and her panties thrown to the ground. Katniss’ dark hair spreads against the cream of the sheets, leaving her breasts exposed to the cool air of the room.

Leaning down, I take a nipple into my mouth as I push eagerly into her again. Her silk insides instantly grasp me as I suck her peaked, sweet flesh and I can feel myself starting to fall apart.

I pull my lips away from her to wet my thumb and index finger and bring them to her other nipple, pinching it to a sharp peak.

I look up at her. “Come for me, Katniss.” My mouth goes back to her nipple.

And she does.

“PEETA!” Her unrestrained cry and the tightening around my length cause me to come undone.

Frantically, my cock plunges into her and all thoughts leave my mind as I fill her and stars explode behind my closed eyes.

As I finish, I lay my head against her chest, feeling the rapid beating of her heart.

“How could you ever question me?” Katniss asks as she runs her fingers through my hair and I hear the sadness in her voice. “I’ve always been in love with you.”

I can’t answer.

++++++

I can’t help but feel jealous.

Today, Adina is out with Cato. He called the morning after the party to ask if she wanted to have Sunday brunch at a nearby café.

Just the two of them.

“What are you thinking?” I look up from my laptop screen to see Katniss at the doorway of the den.

“Just going over some e-mails,” I reply. 

I wonder if Adina is telling Cato about me.

“No, you aren’t,” Katniss replies and walks over to me. “I was watching you for a while. You keep looking at the clock.”

“It’s nothing,” I assure her.

“It’s just brunch.” She sits on the couch adjacent to me. “Adina will be home soon enough.”

“So they were pretty close, weren’t they?”

Getting up, Katniss takes the laptop off my thighs and sets it down on the coffee table. She sits down on my lap, resting her legs against the arm of the plush armchair.

It’s a tight fit so I wrap an arm around her waist to keep her steady.

“They were,” she admits as she wraps her hands around my neck. “Adina and I had our first fight after Cato and I broke up.”

“Why?”

“Because she was turning five and didn’t understand why everyone at school had a Daddy while she didn’t.”

Katniss looks over at me. “That was the year that I told her about you.” She takes the laptop from the table and quickly finds a photo that still brings a tightening to my throat. “The year that I showed her this, and the year that she realized that her Daddy was out there.”

“I didn’t know that you saw this,” I say, looking at the image of the battered red phone.

“I just needed to know you were okay,” she replies, brushing a stray tear from her cheek.

I watch her quietly for a moment. I stare at the way the light from the windows hits her face, highlighting the rich olive of her skin and the smooth the line of her jaw.

I think about how I never thought I’d see her face that day. Or how I almost called her.

Her cellphone rings, interrupting the still moment. Reaching into her pocket, I see Adina’s face flashing on the phone.

“Can I answer?” I suddenly ask. I need to hear my daughter’s voice.

She hands the phone over to me and I pick up. “Hey, Adina.”

“Dad?”

“Yeah, just here with your Mom,” I reply. “She keeps trying to stop me from working.”

Adina giggles and I smile at the lightness of her voice. I love how carefree she sounds. Every day I fall head over heels for her.

“I was going to ask Mom, but I was wondering if I could spend a few more hours with Cato,” she says tentatively. “There’s this really cool concert going on in Golden Gate and—“

“Go ahead,” I tell her.

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” I say, smiling into the phone. “Have fun.”

“Thanks, Dad,” she replies. “My Dad said yes!” I can barely hear a garbled response from Cato. “See you in the afternoon---love you!”

The phone goes dead and I hand it over to Katniss. “She’ll be back later. Some concert in the park.”

Katniss takes the phone and places it on the table. “That was really cool of you.”

“Where’s Johanna?” I ask as my hands wander down to the apex of her thighs.

She sighs as her mouth finds my neck. “In Napa with Finnick and Annie.”

“Good.” My hand trails over the elastic waist of the yoga pants she’s wearing and I slip my hand underneath the cloth of her panties. Two fingers find themselves sheathed in her tight wetness and she arches her back in pleasure.

“Yes, definitely good,” Katniss replies before her mouth is on mine.

++++++

**_Monday, December 24, 2012_ **

“Dad?”

Adina is standing in front of me with a wrapped gift in her hand.  I put down the camera that I was cleaning and give her a smile.

“Weren’t we saving the present opening for tomorrow?”

She sits next to me on the couch and looks over at the tree that we decorated together. The sparkle of the rainbow lights hits her cheeks and I instinctively grab the camera to take a photo.

I’m spooked by how much she looks like Katniss sometimes.

“Are you mad at me?” she asks quietly.

I put down the camera. “Why would you ever think that?”

“Because I went out with Cato,” Adina replies.

I feel horrible seeing the guilt in her eyes. I don’t want to make her choose sides, because she shouldn’t have to.

“I know he was part of your life,” I tell her. “And I was jealous. I know it sounds juvenile.”

Adina shakes her head. “No, it isn’t.” Her cheeks redden and she leans forward. “Don’t tell Mom, but I looked you up once. I wanted to see if you got married—or had other children.”

I put an arm around her and stare straight into her eyes—my eyes.

“You are my one and only.”

Her mouth widens into a beaming grin and she throws her arms around me. I pull her closer, inhaling the lavender in her hair. Katniss once told me that she always smelled of lavender as a baby.

When she pulls away, Adina reaches behind her and hands me the wrapped package.

“Here. I didn’t want to give it to you in front of anyone,” she tells me. “This can be our tradition.”

Carefully, I unwrap the silvery package and look at the canvas. My eyes look over the image on it.

“I painted it,” she says. “When I was four, I had a pair of kid scissors from an art set that Uncle Thresh gave me. Out of curiosity, I decided to cut my hair and I ended up looking like this.”

The chin length hair on her round face makes her look like a pixie. My eyes stare back at me, doe-like and smoky grey. She wears a tiny pair of Oshkosh B’ gosh overalls and a white t-shirt.

“Mom was upset,” Adina continues. “I didn’t realize why until Auntie Jo-Jo told me later—she told me that I really looked like you with that hair.” She smiles to herself. “It made me feel closer to you knowing that. I painted it because I wanted you to know that you were always with me—just hidden away.”

“You’re more like me than you think,” I tell her in a tight voice. “I used to sketch when I was little. It eventually evolved into photography, but I always did like sketching.”

This talented, beautiful girl is my daughter and I couldn’t be prouder.  “Thank you.”

“Merry Christmas, Dad,” she replies and turns to look at the tree.

I look up to see Katniss on the stairs, watching us. She gives me a smile before walking upstairs.

And I know it then—that I’m staying here. I belong with them.

The next day, I call Clove and let her know that I’d be happy to give her a reference.

++++++

**_Saturday, December 29, 2012_ **

The knock on the door brings me out of my reverie.

Clove has interviewed with two companies and I’m sending off her recommendation letter after the holidays. I save her letter on my laptop and get up to answer the door.

I’m surprised to find Cato standing in front of me. He gives me a nervous smile. “Hey, Peeta.”

“Hey,” I greet back warily. “Adina went out with Katniss and Johanna, but they should be back in a few minutes.” I hesitate before widening the open door. “Did you want to come in?”

Cato nods eagerly. “Sure.” He holds up a bag. “I just wanted to drop off some Christmas presents. One is for you and Katniss, and the other one for Deenie.”

I’ve decided that I hate the name Deenie.

“Thanks.” It comes out automatically. “I was going to make some coffee. Want a cup?”

“Sure.”

Quickly, we walk over to the kitchen and I grab the coffee grounds before going to the coffee maker. I turn to see Cato easily reaching into the cupboards. The familiarity of his movements around the kitchen causes a rush of jealousy to run through me.

He meets my eyes and stops. “Just grabbing the mugs.”

I nod before going back to filling the maker with water, then measuring out the grounds.

_What the hell am I doing?_

He pulls out a chair to sit at the table and I remain standing by the coffeemaker.

“This is weird.”

I turn to look at him. “What do you mean?”

Walking over, I pull out the chair across from him to give him a look over. His hair is a little lighter and his eyes are sharp, but I can see that there are similarities between us.

“I always wondered about you,” he tells me. “The elusive father. Katniss never talked about you, but your photo was always on her desk.”

“Photo?”

“The one that you took of the group,” Cato replies. “She kept it on her desk at her Dad’s house and when she started working for Delly—it was in her office. Johanna and Thresh wouldn’t talk about you—it was like you weren’t real.”

“Ouch.” The word falls from my mouth. “I was around—it’s just that no one bothered to tell me that I had a daughter.”

“I didn’t know that until the end,” he said seriously. “I didn’t know that I wasn’t even in the competition until it was too late.” Cato looks over at me somberly. “You were always going to be there haunting me—haunting them.” He laughs bitterly. “Do you know how I knew it was over?”

“How?”

“Deenie asked Katniss once if she could call me ‘Dad’.”

I feel my insides freeze.

“And Katniss said no,” Cato informs me quietly. “I didn’t understand. Katniss was going to be my wife and she wouldn’t let Adina have a father. I know we weren’t engaged that long—“

Did he say _engaged_?

“What are you doing here?”

Katniss is at the kitchen doorway. Standing behind her are Johanna and Adina, shocked to see Cato and I at the table, talking like we’re fucking best buddies.

“Dropping off your Christmas presents,” he tells her.

Katniss looks over at me and it finally dawns on her that I know everything.

“Peeta—“

“Not here,” I say stiffly and stand up. I walk past her and everyone else. My mind is racing and I can’t breathe.

She was going to marry him. He was going to Adina’s Dad.

I go to our room and my eyes look over at the bed. Did he sleep there?

“Peeta.” I hear her close the door behind her.

I whip around and she rushes over to me.

“It’s not what you think—“

“Engaged? You were ENGAGED!”

Every piece of anger and bitterness seems to sink into my skin because I feel the hot rage rushing through me.

I point accusingly at her. “You kept that from me! He was going to marry you! He was going to replace me!”

“I MADE A MISTAKE!” Katniss argues back. “I thought that getting married would settle everything once and for all. You were doing well and Adina was happy, so I thought that it was time to move on! Then I realized what a BIG FUCKING MISTAKE I was making!”

“NO! THIS IS A MISTAKE!” I choke back the sob that threatens to come out. “I shouldn’t have told Clove to look for another job—“

“What are you talking about?” Her face is suddenly ashen. “So you don’t want to stay?”

My Christmas present to her was an announcement on my website that I wouldn’t be working in New York as of 2013 and a change of address form with our home address written on it.

“We are a lie.” I hate this feeling of brokenness. “How do I know that you’re really in love with me? I wanted—“

I can’t tell her that I wanted to marry her. That I had spent that afternoon looking for a ring on my laptop. That I had made appointments at private vintage shops to look over rings.

We are interrupted by the door bursting open and Adina rushing in. Her face is stained with tears.

I realize that she was probably outside the door, listening the whole time.

“STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING!” she screams at us. Her face is scarlet and her eyes dart between both of us. “WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A FAMILY!”

Johanna runs in and pulls Adina into her arms. Our daughter breaks down crying against her Godmother’s shoulder.

“Let’s go, sweetheart,” Johanna says as she leads her away. “You’re going to make yourself sick.” She looks over and glares at both of us before guiding Adina out the door.

I sit on the bed tiredly and put my head in my hands.

“Peeta…”

I look up to see Katniss watching me. Her face is wet and her eyes are so achingly sad. I’m sure that I look just as bad.

“What happens now?” she asks and I can hear the tears in her voice.

“After the new year, I go back where I belong.”

++++++

**_Sunday, December 30, 2012 6:00AM_ **

I haven’t slept.

Across the hall, I can hear Adina crying out in her sleep. She didn’t react well to my news.

In the room right next to mine, I can hear Katniss moving about. Once in a while, I’ll hear her let out a sob.

I lay in bed trying to figure what I want or where I belong. The pain of knowing that Katniss was going to move on causes a stabbing sensation against my ribs.

It’s the beginning of a panic attack. I’ve had them often enough.

Getting up, I throw on a pair of sweats and a hooded sweater. Quietly, I open the door to my room and walk into the empty hallway, passing Katniss’ door as I do.

I place my hand against the door before walking down the stairs. When I reach the bottom, I slip into my Timberlands and sit on the last step to tie the laces.

“I remember those.” I look up to see Johanna on the stair behind me. She sits next to me. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know,” I admit. “I just can’t—“ I look up at the steps behind me. “I just need to go right now.”

Johanna nods understandingly. “You can’t run away from this. I know that she isn’t perfect. Ever since her Mom left—there’s been something eating away inside her.”

“I know.” I look over at Johanna. “We all have something going on. I thought we could work through this together, but now---“

“What?”

“I don’t know where or if I belong in their lives.”

“Take a walk.” She stands up. “It’ll be good for you.”

I nod and she walks up the stairs.

Pushing myself up, I go to the front door and lock the door with my new set of keys—her Christmas gift to me.

I walk down the hill of her street. The air has a bite to it and it’s still dark outside. New York is constantly filled with people at any hour, but here the streets are silent except for the occasional MUNI bus that travels down towards the main thoroughfares.

While I walk the streets of the city, I think about them—my girls. I think about whether I could leave them.

Adina will be eighteen eventually and it will be up to her if she wants to see me.

Then there’s Katniss.

If I choose to, I don’t have to see her except for major events in Adina’s life—her graduations, her wedding…

I look up to see a familiar park and the lump in the back of my throat rises. Dolores Park - the park where I took the infamous photo. Across the street is the school where I mooned over the pretty Katniss Everdeen.

A bridge overpass stands in front of me and I walk through it toward the grassy knoll. I spot a familiar picnic area and I hear her voice asking me whenever or not I like the song, _Diggin’ on You_.

Walking over, I sit on top of the table, resting my feet on the bench below it. I look over at the school in front of me.

That was a lifetime ago.

“I went to Riordan.”

I turn to see Cato standing off to my side. He looks like he hasn’t slept. Good.

“What do you want?” I ask bitterly.

“I didn’t know that she didn’t tell you,” he says quickly. “And it all happened so fast that I couldn’t explain or try to help—“

“YOU’VE HELPED ENOUGH!” I charge towards him. “Do you have any idea how it feels to know that you could’ve easily been replaced?”

“I WAS! I knew that if you ever did come back that I would be out in a nanosecond!” Cato shouts. “And part of me knew that she was still in love with you—I could see it in her eyes every time she talked about you.”

“What do you mean?”

“God, man,” he looks at me, exasperated. “Have you ever seen the way she looks at you? The smile on her face? It’s like that—“ Cato points to the rising sun and the bright oranges intermingling with the blueness of the fading night. “That smile whenever she looks at you—it makes her more radiant than the sun. I never got that out of her.”

We stand, staring at one another. “When did you know it was over?”

“That September—before Adina turned five,” he replies, his voice low and gravelly. “That day, she tried to contact everyone that could’ve possibly known where you were. Then Thresh got the call from your father saying you were safe and the look on her face when she began to cry—I knew it was over for us. It was always going to be you.”

The sun has risen, hitting the park. The wet grass shines against the beams, making each drop look like diamonds.

There something else in the air; a sense of renewal.

“Can I give you a ride?” he asks after a moment.

I look over at him and the jealousy I felt has suddenly disappeared.

Turns out, I had no reason to be.

“Sure.”

We walk silently to his car – a VW – and I get into the passenger side as he makes his way to the driver’s side.

Once we are both settled, he turns to me again. “Where do you want to go?”

“Home.”

++++++

“I’m just going to drop you off here,” Cato says as he parks. “I think it’s better if I’m not there.”

I nod. “How did you find me anyway?”

“I couldn’t sleep, so I came over to try to talk to you and Johanna was outside smoking a cigarette—make sure that you take that pack from her, by the way —and told me that you had walked off somewhere. I knew you couldn’t be too far so I just drove around.”

I hold out my hand. “You’re all right.”

He shakes my hand. “Take care of her.”

I’m not sure which her he means.

I get out of the car and close the door behind me. I hear Cato turn his engine on as I walk up towards the house.

I reach the driveway and am crossing the lawn when the door is practically torn open. I see Adina running towards me, her long dark hair flying behind her and her eyes flooded with tears.

“DAD!” I reach out in time to catch her as she crumbles in my arms. She is shaking uncontrollably as we fall to our knees on the grass. “I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ME!”

I can’t speak for a moment because my own throat is choked with tears.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” she sobs into my shoulder. “Please don’t leave us…don’t leave me!”

“Never,” I manage to say and kiss the top of her head. “What did I tell you?”

She looks up at me, her face flushed and hair matted to her cheeks, and smiles shakily.

“Your one and only.”

I help her up and we walk toward the house. Katniss and Johanna stand on the porch, watching us.

I meet Katniss’ eyes; her expression is unreadable. I want to say something but nothing comes to mind… so I just nod at her.

And for now, my only focus is our daughter.

“Welcome back,” Johanna says as I pass her.

“Thanks.”

I reach into her robe pocket and pull out the pack of cigarettes before walking into the house with Adina.

++++++

**_Monday, December 31, 2012 11:55PM_ **

_Napa, California_

“It’s almost time.”

I turn and see that Katniss has joined me on the empty balcony. The skirt of her silver dress drags behind her as she walks towards me.

Annie and Finnick decided on a Gatsby-themed New Year’s Eve party.  The house is filled with people dressed in white, black and silver, which I can see through the windowed balcony doors.

Our friends are all lost in the crowd and probably drunk, except for our expecting Annie.

The last time I saw Adina, she was dancing to Amy Winehouse’s _Rehab_ with Bailey.

“I think I’ll just stick around here,” I tell her before turning to look back at the lawn in front of me.

“I don’t know why I lie.” I turn to look at her as she reaches me. “I just haven’t been right since—you know.”

I look into her grey eyes and I see that they are full.

As a matter of fact, they shine and I remember what Cato told me. Katniss does look radiant—and I know it’s because she looking at me.

“How can I believe you?” I ask.

“I know that we’re not going to be perfect,” she starts. “I’m sure as hell not perfect and we’re going to make mistakes, but let’s make them together. This year doesn’t have to end this way.”

“Katniss---“

“Marry me.” She stands in front of me expectantly.

“What?” Inside, we can hear that the countdown beginning. “Why?”

“Because I’m in love with you.” Her red lips turn up to smile at me. “And I may lie about a lot of things, but this is the only thing I know for certain is real.”

Katniss takes my hand and I find myself holding hers as her grey eyes meet mine.

“So seriously, Peeta Mellark, will you marry me?”

Inside, I hear the party horns ringing and the cheering of the crowd.

It’s 2013.

* * *

 I wonder if he’ll say yes.

Feel free to scream (in review form) at me. It _might_ help me get off my butt and write.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive during this time. Trying to deal with a lupus flare can be trying—and this is my first one since I went into remission. So far, the meds are helping.

I think there will be about four more chapters in the Katniss/Peeta story arc before I transition into the Johanna/Gale/Thresh story arc…. but this could change.

Also in time, I plan to write a one-shot called ‘September’ in which we learn what happened during that day.

I got a rather disconcerting review regarding this story arc. For a while, I considered replying but in the end—I couldn’t.  While I empathized with this person, the review had nothing to do with story but with other personal issues. In reference, the only thing that had to do with the story was that to this reader, Katniss was a “bitch”. This review has been deleted—and if this reader wants to report me, they have my permission. This story works as a whole, so reading just the Katniss/Peeta parts won’t help in getting the story or seeing it full circle.

Okay, moving on. There is a line from Ed Sheeran’s “Small Bump” – because I just love the song.

The MUNI is the bus line that runs through the city.

Remember OshKosh B’gosh? I wore those overalls.

How very ‘Cory and Topanga’ of Katniss to propose, right?

Reviews, messages on Tumblr and e-mails are always welcome.

Next: Peeta ’96 and yes—you will meet Glimmer.

Till then, JLaLa


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four: 1996

Thank you for all your great feedback and well wishes for my health for the last chapter! Much appreciated!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, beta extraordinaire—she’s awesome!

_You said you were in love with me_  
 _Both of us know that that's impossible_  
 _And I could make you rue the day_  
 _But I could never make you stay…_

_-The Magnetic Fields “All My Little Words” (1999)_

Again

Part Two, Chapter 24: 1996

**_Friday, December 20, 1996_ **

**_Upper West Side, Manhattan_ **

My dreams about Katniss are always the same.

I see her face in the fields of Sonoma and her smiling, golden face. I can almost feel her chest pressed against mine when she arches up in pleasure and for a moment—we’re happy.

Then it changes. I see her in the darkness of Lake Merced and there’s something different in her eyes—a strange, manic look. Her body is sluggish and I know she’s struggling, but she doesn’t want help.

Especially from me.

The last part is just her voice—a sad whisper.

_“Peeta…”_

“Peeta—wake up.” My eyes open and I see Cinna grinning down at me. “I need your help.”

 I never should’ve given him my key.

“What do you want?” I ask groggily. Turning to look over at the clock on my side table, I sit up and glare at him. “It’s only ten.”

“The day is halfway done, bro,” Cinna says as he goes into my kitchen and opens my cupboard, grabbing the canister of coffee grounds. “I just had a meeting and I have calls coming to my apartment in about an hour.”

I get up—still hearing her voice. It’s almost Christmas. Maybe I should give her a call.

“Peeta?” I turn to see Cinna looking at me, his eyes full of concern.  He walks over to me, his knee-length yellow suede coat swinging against his burgundy cords, and hands me a cup of coffee. “Are you okay?”

“It’s almost Christmas,” I reply. “I guess I’m homesick.”

“Homesick or HERsick?”

I take the cup and sip slowly before answering him. “Both, I think. I’ve been dreaming about her a lot lately.”

“I know you miss her,” he says and sits on the bed. “And you miss your home, but you have to give New York a chance. You have to give yourself a chance.”

“A chance for what?”

“To like yourself—and like New York. This is going to be your home for the next few years and you have to become the person you’re meant to be.” Cinna looks at me worriedly. “You’ve been sad, my friend, and you can’t change anything that way. I know you love her, but you have to accept—it’s over.”

“I know that, Cinna.” I run a hand through my hair anxiously. “I’d better get ready.”

He nods, accepting that I won’t go any further before standing up. “I’ll see you upstairs.”

I nod before turning to go to the bathroom, and then suddenly turn to him.

“I really do want to change.”

Cinna turns to me and gives me a grin. “I know, and I promise to help you.”

++++++

**_One hour later_ **

“I believe I can fly…I believe I can touch the sky…”

I walk into the apartment to hear Cinna’s bellowing and roll my eyes. “Not again!”

Cinna walks out of his bedroom carrying a stack of hung clothes. I rush over to help him hang them on the locked rolling rack in the living room.

“Are you still mad because I made you watch _Space Jam_ with me last week?”

“It was the third time, dude,” I tell him. “I know you have that Michael Jordan crush, but come on--”

“I do not,” he protests as I walk to the opposite end of the room to set up my tripod.

Cinna’s apartment is all white with matching columns that run across through the room. On the opposite side are long windows that overlook Broadway. I prop my camera onto the tripod next to his bookshelves.

“Yes, because we know how much you love Bugs Bunny,” I joke.

“I think about it every night and day… spread my wings and fly away…”

And there he goes.

++++++

The calls go quickly as they usually do.

The first time I did one of these, I was surprised to see how many models didn’t care about changing in front of me. To them, I was just the guy behind the camera they had to pose for after their walk up and down Cinna’s hardwood floor.

It’s almost four when we are down to our last batch of people. Cinna has found five potential models for his newest line, so he needs one more. I see him look at the clock on the opposite wall before turning to me.

“Great job, I think we’re done for today—“

We’re interrupted by some loud pounding on the door.

“CINNA! I’m here.”

My friend rushes over to the door and opens it quickly. I turn to see a pretty, long-haired blonde rush into the room. She throws her arms around Cinna and gives him a kiss on each cheek.

“Sorry, babe,” she tells him with a grin. “I just got back to the city.”

“And where were you, Miss Thing?” he asks, bemused.

The girl throws off her coat. “TA-DA!”  She is wearing a tight, black cropped tank which shows off her belly piercing and camouflage cargos.

“Really, Glimmer? New tits?”

“Come on now,” Glimmer responds with a pout. She puts her hands on her chest and moves them up down. “See how real they look and move—I was only an A cup and now I’m a nice C. Oh, like it would matter to you anyway.” Then she turns to me. “ _He_ likes them.”

I can feel my face burn. She saunters over to me and I get my first real look at her. She is a natural blonde with deep blue eyes, strong brows and slightly tanned skin. Her lips are pink and her nose pert—Glimmer is a natural beauty.

I do wonder how much of her is real, seeing as her boobs are fake.

“Go ahead—touch one,” she tells me, her eyes bold.

“Uh—you don’t even know my name.”

“Then what’s your name?”

“Peeta. Peeta Mellark.”

“And I’m Glimmer. Just Glimmer, like Madonna and Cher.” Taking my hand, she puts it on a breast. “Go ahead—feel away. You’ve felt a boob before, right?”

“Yes, I’ve felt a boob,” I respond tersely.

 I try not to think about Katniss and her breasts while my hand remains on this very strange girl.

“So it feels real, right?”

“Sure,” I say, putting my hand down and turning back to Cinna. “Should I get going?”

Cinna stares at us for a moment before collecting himself. “Oh yeah—here.” He reaches into pocket and hands me a check. “See you next Friday for the movie?”

“Sure. What are we watching?”

“ _Jerry Maguire_.”

“This is the second time,” I tell him. “Help me, help you.” He grins as I repeat the quote to him.

“Haha—see you Friday.”

I turn to Glimmer. “It was nice meeting you—Glimmer.”

She winks. “See you, Peeta Mellark. Thanks for confirming that you like my new tits.”

I rush out before she can say anything else—and so I can take a cold shower.

++++++

**_Wednesday, December 25, 1996, 8:00pm EST_ **

“Merry Christmas, bro!” Thresh’s booming voice greets me over my new cordless telephone—a present from Dad—and a smile grows onto my face. “How are you?”

“I’m good; it’s weird seeing snow,” I reply. “How’s everything?”

What I actually mean is—how is Katniss?

“Things have been…busy,” he replies after a moment. “Everyone is enjoying their break—“

I hear a mewling cry in the background. “What was that?”

“My sister got a kitten—makes a whining kind of noise and Johanna keeps on messing with it,” Thresh says hurriedly. “Anyway, did I tell you that I’m taking an art illustration class—and we’re doing nudes.”

“Anyone looking interesting?”

There is suddenly a knock on my door.

Walking over, I open it to find Glimmer standing in front of me. What the hell is she doing here?

She waves before walking into the room and tossing off her long fur coat on my bed.  Tonight, she’s wearing tight red and black plaid pants and a cream cashmere sweater.

“There is this one person,” he replies. “But that’s neither here nor there.”

I turn to find Glimmer rummaging through my fridge. “Do you have milk?”

Her voice echoes through the room.

“Is there someone there?” Thresh asks. “Sounds like a girl.” The background noise on his phone has suddenly silenced.

I’m sure Johanna heard. There is the sudden thought that maybe she would tell Katniss about it. A prickling need to make her jealous suddenly rises inside me.

“She’s a friend of Cinna—one of the models,” I inform him. I look over at Glimmer still bent over in the fridge. “I ran out.”

Glimmer slams the fridge shut and turns to me. “Then let’s go get milk. I haven’t eaten anything.”

Thresh manages a weak chuckle through the phone when he hears her.

“Better let you go—she’s a model and they don’t eat much, so she might bite your head off,” he tells me. “Merry Christmas, Peeta.”

“Merry Christmas, Thresh—and Merry Christmas to Johanna and to…”

I can’t say her name. My eyes begin to burn thinking of the smokiness of hers.

“I’ll tell her,” he says softly. “Take care of yourself.”

“I will. Bye.” I hang up the phone and then turn to see Glimmer with her coat already on. “It’s Christmas—everything is closed.”

She smiles at me and shakes her head. “This is New York, baby. Come on!”

I grab my coat from the rack next to the door along with my keys and she takes my hands to drag me through the snowy streets.

++++++

“Feeling better?” I ask her.

Glimmer is drinking straight from the milk carton. She turns to me, wiping her lip against her fur coat and then sighs contentedly.

“Much better,” she replies with a grin.

It hasn’t snowed, but the ground is white and I hear the crunching against my Timberland boots as we walk. We walked up a few blocks until we hit a corner market on 75th that was open.

“How did you know there would be a place open?”

“I know everything,” Glimmer says, bemused.

I turn to look at her and admire her profile – the long lashes and upturned nose. It’s no wonder why she is a model—I can tell that she will photograph well.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course,” I say. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I heard you on the phone,” Glimmer says, her eyes teasing. “It almost sounded like you were bragging about me.”

“I was just telling one of my friends about you.” It sounds like a pathetic excuse as it comes out of my mouth. She looks over at me with one brow raised. “Okay, maybe there was someone else listening.”

Glimmer stops for a moment and stares at me, her eyes searching my own. I look at hers and there is something so horribly sad yet beautiful about them.

We’re alone in the middle of the icy street when it begins to snow again. Glimmer reaches over and brushes a snowflake off my nose.

She hooks her arm through mine as we begin to walk again. “I don’t mind, really. Cinna told me that you had your heart broken—maybe she should know about me.”

“She isn’t the jealous type,” I reply simply.

And suddenly, I’m sobbing in the street—I can see the drops hitting the concrete creating large circles in the grey pavement.

Her face flashes in my mind and the memory of that last night—the night she broke me. The struggle in her step and her pained grey eyes as she walked away; I don’t think I’ll ever understand what happened.

“Hey, hey now…” Glimmer puts a hand on my shoulder. “It’ll be okay—everyone gets hurt, but we just have to move on. And you’re here now and she’s there—Cinna’s here and so am I. We’ll take care of each other.”

I take a deep breath and then look up at her. “You’re right.”

“You want to get some Chinese food?”

“Let me guess—you know a place.” Glimmer nods resolutely as we begin to walk. “Why aren’t you with your family?”

“I don’t have any—I have no one,” she tells me.

I suddenly realize why she has no last name.

++++++

**_Saturday, December 28, 1996_ **

**NYU Campus, Tisch School of the Arts, Broadway**

“You’re getting better,” Professor Cramer says to me as I hang another portrait. “There’s actual life in these photos now.” She walks over to the next hanging picture. “Who’s this?”

I walk over to her as she looks at the picture, index finger on her chin.

Professor Cramer looks like Sinead O’Connor, right down to the shaved head, but she has a great eye and I admire her.

“That’s a friend of mine—Glimmer.”

The picture was taken last night during a photography session for Cinna’s spring line. I was testing the camera while the models were being made up when I caught Glimmer sitting by herself staring out the window.

As I approached her, she looked up and gave me a smile—her face was still bare because she was the last to be made up.

“There’s something about her,” she replied thoughtfully. “Even in black and white—this is striking. I think you found your eye, Peeta. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.”

A knock at the door interrupts us. I turn to see Glimmer leaning against the doorway. “Are you ready? Cinna’s outside.”

“Here she is—in living color,” I tell my professor. “This is Glimmer.”

“Your muse,” Professor Cramer says and she nods at my friend. “I’ll see you after the new year.” She walks off to the adjacent door which leads to her office.

Glimmer walks over to me and looks at the picture. She just stares for an extraordinary amount of time and I find myself nervously anticipating her response.

Finally, she turns to me. “It’s awful.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I look disgusting.” She takes my arm and pulls me out of the room. Glimmer whips around and she is pissed, her eyes blazing and her lips tight. “Why would you take that picture of me?”

“I don’t understand—“

“I have to go,” she tells me and turns to walk away, pushing past Cinna.

“Honey, where are you going?” he asks as she walks out the door. Cinna approaches me. “What happened?”

I run a hand through my hair. “I’m not sure. I was showing my professor my photos and then…”  Leading him into the room, I show him the picture of Glimmer.

Cinna gazes at it thoughtfully. “You like her.”

I feel my face burn and I shake my head. “She’s my friend—and that’s it.”

“Listen, man,” he says. “There are things about her that you don’t know. Glimmer struggles with a lot of… issues.”

I nod. “She told me that she has no one.”

“Yup, Glimmer was on the streets for a while,” Cinna explains and looks around. “Let’s go—I don’t want to talk about this here.”

We walk outside and sit on a nearby bench.

“I met her at a house party. She was only fifteen, but seemed to have that confidence that everyone gravitated towards—a real party girl. She still does, but I think when she really sees herself—like I think she saw in that photograph—she sees nothing.”

“How can she feel like that?” I ask. “She’s beautiful—even more so in that picture.”

“Because the makeup and the fake tits are nothing but a mask,” he explains. “You have to watch yourself, Peeta, before you’re in too deep.”

“I’m not. I hardly know her.”

“I don’t think you’re seeing her,” Cinna replies bluntly. “You’re seeing Katniss. You told me that you couldn’t save her from herself when her Mom took off. Now she’s gone and you can’t transfer all of that onto someone else—especially Glimmer.”

“I know that, Cinna,” I tell him, suddenly irritated with his words.

“Do you?” He looks at me with his piercing eyes.

I can’t answer.

++++++

**_Monday, December 30, 1996 3:00AM_ **

The pounding on the door wakes me up from steel-eyed dreams and her light voice calling out to me.

_“Peeta…”_

“Peeta!”  

I shoot up in bed and rush over to the door before my neighbors begin to complain.

When I open the door, Glimmer is standing in front of me. Her eyes are bloodshot and her long blonde hair hangs limply against her shoulders. She is wearing a grey sweater that is way too big on her and loose pants. Her Converse shoes are falling apart.

Glimmer looks homeless.

She stares at me restlessly and I can see sweat glistening on her forehead.

“Please don’t stop being my friend,” she pleads, her usually bold voice shaky.

I look at her for a moment — her nervous twitching, glazed eyes, and the way she’s holding the crook of her arm with her opposite hand.

I sigh before widening the door. “Have you eaten?”

Glimmer throws her arms around me and cries softly into my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

I pat her back. “I know.”

Closing the door behind us, I lead her in but she falters falling against me and I end up scooping her up into my arms. She is light—too light, if you ask me.

Placing her on the bed, I go into the kitchen and throw some bread in my toaster.

Next, I go to the phone and call Cinna. He picks up right away. “Hello?”

“It’s me—Glimmer is down here.” I look over to where she is sprawled out on my bed.

Cinna seems to know what’s going on.

“Make sure to prop her head up,” he instructs me. “Turn her to her side, too. If you can manage it, clean any wounds up.”

“Got it.”

“Peeta—this people saving complex you have, it’s not all that bad,” Cinna says over the phone. “Just be careful—she can thrash around sometimes.”

I can’t help but wonder how many times he’s done this for her.

“I’ll see you later,” I tell him before hanging up.

Going over to her, I pull off her shoes and throw them to the ground. I prop her head up on my pillow; while I do all of this, Glimmer remains dead to the world.  

I feel her forehead to make sure that she isn’t running a fever; it’s slightly damp, but she is okay. I roll up her sleeves and stop—a small drop of blood from what appears to be a needle prick has caused a track of red to run down her arm.

Getting up, I go to the bathroom and grab a towel to put over her wound. When I return to her, I put pressure on the vein where it’s bleeding.

Glimmer moans in her sleep and I reach over to touch her forehead. “It’s okay—sleep.”

She settles after a moment and returns to a comatose state. 

I go over to the opposite end of the bed and sit back, watching her sleeping form.

I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into. And I have to admit that maybe I’m not sure if I’m using Glimmer for atonement—or if I do like her.

I watch her for the rest of the night until my eyelids grow heavy and I fall asleep with my hand over hers.

++++++

When I wake up the next morning, she’s already gone. I see that Glimmer has taken a piece of cold toast and as I grab the other piece—there’s a knock on my door.

Opening the door, I see Cinna in front of me. He hands me a cup of coffee from the café across the street.

“She’s already gone,” I tell him.

“Glimmer is like that,” he replies as his eyes follow me. “Are you okay?”

I turn to him and give him a weak smile. “Of course.”

“Let’s take a walk. Get ready—and bring your camera.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re in New York!” Cinna’s smile is infectious and I find myself grinning back. “It’s all about new beginnings here. Come on now!”

Handing him my cup, I go to the bathroom to wash up, and stop at my reflection.

On the mirror, in bright red lipstick, is a message: **Thank you. –G**

++++++

**_Tuesday, December 31, 1996 11:55pm_ **

There’s no wind on the roof of our building tonight, but there’s still that nip in the air. I can hear the cheering all the way from Times Square and something causes my heart to quicken. It’s exciting to see the city anticipating the possibility of new beginnings—together.

“Hello.”

I look up from where I sit to see Glimmer next to me. She’s in her fur coat with a beaded gold halter top underneath and tight leather pants. Her eyes, however, are tired.

I smile up at her. “How are you feeling?”

“Good—can I sit down?” I nod and she sits on the lawn chair next to mine.

We sit in a companionable silence, listening to the sounds of the city celebrating the last few minutes of the year.

I took a lot of great photos today—the city came alive for me. The buzz of the city called out to me—I can only hope that I continue to hear it.

“I think I’ll be better this year,” she tells me and takes my hand.

I look over at her and nod. “You will be.”

Tonight, I decide I like New York.

And I like her.

* * *

 

This chapter didn’t go the way I thought it would.

Thank you for all the love and support while I go through my health issues—I’m not sure how long it will be, but I’m hoping for the best.

So Glimmer is based on three people —one is an actual person and two are fictional. I’m going to wait on revealing them until we get further along into the past story arc.

 _Space Jam_ was a live action/animation movie starring Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes characters which supposed to take place at the point where Jordan was coming out of retirement and back to basketball. It was released on November 15, 1996. I contemplated whether or not it would still be in theaters at this point in time. Based on its popularity, I imagine it would have been in theaters for a while, then later in smaller theaters.

I remember _Space Jam_ for its soundtrack, mostly because I used to sing Monica’s “For You I Will” which was on it. Of course, the song that Cinna sings is R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly”, which was also part of the Space Jam soundtrack.

 _Jerry Maguire_ was sports drama starring Tom Cruise, Renee Zellweger, and Cuba Gooding Jr. and was one of the top grossing movies of 1996.

Reviews, asks on Tumblr, or just a hello are always appreciated.

Next: Katniss 2013—This should be…interesting.

-JLaLa


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five: 2013

Hey everyone! Thanks for reading—hope you’re enjoying so far.

I know a lot of you have been waiting for this chapter.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for just being amazing.

_When I've shown you that I just don't care_   
_When I'm throwing punches in the air_   
_When I'm broken down and I can't stand_   
_Would you be man enough to be my man?_

_-Sheryl Crow “Strong Enough” (1994)_

Again

Part Two, Chapter 25: 2013

**_Tuesday, January 1, 2013, 12:03AM_ **

The longest three minutes of my life.

That is what it feels like.

Getting Adina out of me didn’t even take this long.

Peeta is still staring at me, still holding my hand, and still silent after my sudden proposal.

He’s going to say no, isn’t he?

“Peeta—“ I start when he takes my face in his hands and he’s kissing me.Then I’m throwing my arms around his neck as his arms pull my body close to his. My knees grow weak feeling his body against mine and I’m falling into him.

I know that no one other than him will ever make me feel this whole.

An icy realization hits me; this is his way of saying goodbye.

I pull away and look up at him. “You’re saying no, aren’t you?”

I refuse to cry, but I can already feel my eyes filling with tears. I can’t let him see me like this.

Backing away from him, I turn and walk down the stairs leading down to the lawn.

“Katniss!” I can hear him rushing to me as my heels hit the grass. “Please don’t run from me.”

I turn to him and I know there’s probably mascara running down my face, but I could really give a damn right now. The sting of rejection is painful and I never thought that it would hurt this much.

But it does.

Because I never wanted to be with someone as much as I’ve wanted to be with Peeta and I’ve known that for a long time.

“I get it,” I tell him hurriedly. “You got your goodbye from me and I understand! I really do—“

I can’t finish because I’m starting to cry again.

I hate this. This feeling of being so exposed and raw.

He is pulling me into his arms before his mouth finds mine again; he sighs into my mouth as he pulls away.

“I love you, Katniss. I’m not going anywhere.”

“So what does that mean?”

Peeta leans his forehead against mine. “But we are so fucked up. Separately and together.”

“I don’t understand,” I respond. “So you don’t want to marry me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

I meet his eyes quizzically. “So you do?”

“I didn’t say that either.”

“If we were normal—then I would marry you right now,” he says softly. “Haymitch is inside the house somewhere and he could do it.” He takes a breath. “But how do I know that tomorrow you won’t regret it? Or that I won’t have a freak out if Cato comes to see Adina? And you lie to me—“

“I said I was sorry!”

“I know you are, but we have other problems—there are things you don’t know about me, either.”

I look up at him and I can see it in his eyes—he is genuinely scared that I’m not sure what I want.

I’m sure of one thing.

I did that. I made him that way and the guilt sinks heavily against my chest.  “So what now?”

“Give us time.” Peeta reaches for me and I can’t deny myself the feeling of having him close to me. I put my head against his chest and listen to the gentle beating of his heart against my ear.

“Just tell me—if we weren’t such a mess,” I say, exasperated. “Would you have said yes?”

Peeta reaches into the pocket of tuxedo pants and pulls out a red velvet box.

“The rest of my things came from New York a few days ago, but the boxes somehow ended up here. I was looking over everything when I found this.”

He hands the box to me and I try not to shake as I open it. Inside sits a rose gold ring with a large round diamond set in the middle with tiny matching diamonds surrounding it; prongs resembling sunrays surround the four sides with diamonds flanking the spaces between the rays.

“This is beautiful.”

“It was the first and only piece that Cinna designed and created,” he tells me. “Right before—“

Peeta stops for a moment and I can see him struggling. I take his hand, letting him squeeze mine as hard as he can. I don’t feel the pain of his grip because I’m only focused on the pain that seems to be radiating off of him.

When his episode is over, I can see the tiredness in his body—what he feels cripples him both physically and mentally.

We are both horribly broken and we can’t move forward, at least not until we confront the past.

“We really don’t know everything about each other, do we?” I say before closing the box.

I’m not sure what will happen going forward, but I’m ready to fight for both him and for myself.

I want us to grow back together.

Holding it out, I slowly swallow the lump in my throat as I watch him take the box from my hand and put it back in his pocket.

Peeta looks into my eyes, questioning me.

“For when you think I deserve it.”

++++++

**_Tuesday, January 1, 2013, 9:30AM_ **

“Stop laughing,” I tell her. Johanna tries but fails miserably. “It was very a difficult thing for me to do, you know!”

“I can’t believe you did that,” she says as we walk around the yard of Annie and Finnick’s home. “You actually proposed to Peeta.”

“I did.”

“And he said no?”

“He didn’t say no,” I reply before taking a sip from my coffee cup. “But he didn’t say yes either, and I don’t blame him.”

I couldn’t sleep last night. I went over the conversation between Peeta and me numerous times, trying to figure out a solution to our issues. He had fallen asleep right away—that episode took a lot out of him.

“And there was a ring?”

“A beautiful one,” I reply. ”Designed by his friend, Cinna. But then I realized that I don’t know anything about Cinna, but he was important to Peeta, as was this Glimmer. He made a life without me in New York, and there are people he loves that I know nothing about.”

I turn to her. “How can we create a life together? We can’t even tell each other about the lives we had when we weren’t together.”

Johanna wraps the oversized sweater she wears around herself—it looks oddly familiar.

“I don’t know,” she tells me. “I think you’re both afraid that once everything is out in the open—one of you might feel differently about the other.” Johanna looks over at me. “I wish I knew how to help, but I’m the queen of non-confrontation.”

I laugh. “Yeah, right. You’re the one person who isn’t afraid to hide how she feels.”

Johanna turns to me, her smile sad. “Trust me. I’ve hidden a lot more than you think.” Her eyes are suddenly on something, or someone, behind me.

I turn to see Thresh and Gale at the balcony of the house. I wave at them before turning back to Johanna, who is still staring at our friends.

Her stare lingers a little longer on Gale and my mind flashes back to a time when Johanna would take his flannels to keep warm.

I realize why the sweater looks so familiar—Gale had been wearing it two weeks earlier.

“Oh, Jo-Jo…“ She turns to me, her eyes troubled. “--What are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” Unknowingly, Johanna wraps herself tighter in his sweater. “I can’t help it and I try to stop it!”

Johanna turns to walk away and I follow her until we are a good distance from anyone seeing us, especially Gale.

We finally stop and she sits on a stone bench overlooking the vineyard that belongs to Annie’s family.

I sit next to her and Johanna puts her head in her hands. I place a hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Since before Annie and Finnick’s wedding,” Johanna says as she sits up. “He came to see me one rainy day and it just happened.”

“You know this can’t go on,” I tell her. “He’s married.”

“Don’t you think I know that? He’s wearing his ring while we’re together!”

“Oh God—we’re all so messed up.” I put an arm around her. “Eventually Madge is going to start questioning why he’s put off leaving for so long.”

“I know.” Johanna turns to me, her dark eyes glittering. “It’s not fair, Katniss. _I_ should have been his wife.”

And then she is sobbing, her head bowed as the tears hit the soft ground below us.

How did we all let this happen? How did we let ourselves get so fucked up?

I pull her closer to me. “Just let it out, because eventually we’ll have to confront all of this.” I kiss the top of her head and sigh in mock exasperation. “Who knew that the only one who us who would turn out normal would be—“

“Thresh,” she finishes for me and I see her crack a smile though her eyes are still soaking wet. “With his adorable husband.”

I grin back. “And his awesome job.”

“I hate him.”

“Me too.”

++++++

**_Thursday, January 3, 2013_ **

“Can I sit with you?”

I look up and see Peeta standing by the couch and I nod, putting the papers that Delly sent me on the coffee table in front of us.

He sits down and gives me a small smile. It’s been a strange two days for us. We’re both awkward and comfortable with one another. I think we’re both unsure about how to confront the situation, but we know we both need to.

Two days later, and I still know that I want to be his wife. That’s a lot for me.

“What were you doing?”

“Delly wanted me to look over these companies and see if they’re compatible to implement my software into their systems,” I reply and look over at him. “Do you really want to hear about this?”

“Of course,” he replies and puts an arm around me. “I want to know more about what you do.”

I realize that this is him trying to understand the life I had before him.

“Well, I look over the company profiles.” I scoot in closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. “I look over the previous programs they’ve used and the purpose. Then I sit down with Delly and my programming team to see if we can do what they want us to do. If that works out, then I visit the company with my team to look over their systems with their programmers. Eventually, we begin set-up and if that looks good, then we train them and my work is done.”

“Wow.” His eyes are wide and I laugh at his expression.

“I know—boring, right?”

“No, it’s incredible,” he says to me. “How did you come up with something like that?”

“It started as an assignment during my last year at State,” I recall. “Delly and I were in the same computer programming class. She was the organizer and I knew how to work a computer. My Dad helped a lot with the coding, but eventually I learned how to do it on my own—I guess it comes naturally.”

“And who decided to turn it into a company?”

“Delly—using her parents’ graduation present.”

“She understood your brilliance right away,” he says as his hand plays with my hair. “So one day I can say that my wife is a—“

“—a partner in a computer programming company and the creator of the KATNISS system,” I finish for him. “And I will tell people that my husband—“

“—is a freelance photographer and was a part-time photojournalist for the New York Times. Most of my work is for magazines, though at one point, I was doing fashion photography. That’s how I met Glimmer.”

I sit up and turn to him, “Will you tell me about her?”

“She was beautiful,” he says softly. There’s a soft glow in his blue eyes and I can’t help but feel a rush of envy. “And she knew it. She always wore this fur coat that was too big for her and the first time I met her, she made me touch her new boobs.” I glare and a gruff laugh escapes his mouth. “She had a lot of problems—too many and eventually, there was nothing I could do to help her, although I wanted to.”

“Were you in love with her?”

He thinks for a moment. “I didn’t know her well enough to fall in love with her. She wouldn’t let me, but I did love her.” Peeta looks over at me. “I want to know you—and I want us to fall in love again.”

“But I am—“

“I think we’re in love with the kids we once were… but we aren’t those kids anymore, Sweetheart.”

I take his hand and sit back, contemplating his words when an idea comes to me—it’s something that I myself am reluctant to do.

But it’s a new year and we’re trying for something better.

“I think we need to talk to someone—like a professional.” Peeta sits up, suddenly stiff at my suggestion. “Before you argue, just hear me out—we have problems like you said, both as individuals and together. I just think that we can’t handle them on our own. I had a hard enough time trying to tell you about Cato.”

“Because you didn’t,” he tells me bluntly.

“Exactly,” I reply, irritated. “And you have a hard time when you talk about Cinna and Glimmer. I can see it.” I turn and tuck my feet under me.

Reaching forward, I pull him towards me until our foreheads meet and look into his eyes. “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I don’t think we can fix us on our own.”

Peeta rests his forehead against mine and closes his eyes for a moment, contemplating my words.

When he opens them again, Peeta nods slowly. “You’re right.” His thumb reaches to trace my lips and I playfully bite it, making those blue eyes of his eyes darken with want.

His lips are suddenly on mine and I let myself enjoy the taste of him. As his tongue explores my mouth, I’m on my knees so I can straddle him and my hands grab for his thick hair. His hand reaches under my yellow cardigan to feel my hot skin as he kneads my breast. When his thumb grazes my nipple, pleasure spikes throughout my body, causing me to cry out against his lips.

“I need you,” I say restlessly as I pull away.

“Then have me,” he responds in a low voice. My hands reach to pull off his shirt so I can touch the smooth, hard muscle of his abdomen and my mouth presses against his chest once I’ve thrown his shirt to the ground. He hisses when I suck the skin in order to mark him. “Do you remember the first time we ever touched each other?”

“Yes, your Dad wasn’t home from work and I was hooking up your modem,” I say as we grind against one another. His mouth is against my neck and my groin tightens pleasurably. “You were so cute with your polo shirt and it was the first time I ever wanted to touch someone like this—“ My hand runs over his hard shaft through his jeans. “And the first time I ever wanted someone to touch me.”

“You were beautiful,” he tells me as he begins to unbutton the front of my cardigan. “You’re even more beautiful now.”

“Are you trying to get into my pants?” I joke. “I thought that’s where this was going anyway.”

“Really, you’re even more beautiful.”

“I have stretch marks.”

He reaches to undo the last button and I’m on top of him with only a red bra holding my breasts in. His hand reaches to touch my side where silvery lines mark my skin from carrying Adina.

“War scars, I would call them,” he replies as he traces them. “Pregnancy can be a battle.”

“Trust me when I tell you that this one was,” I reply. My body tingles as his fingers touch the marred skin. “I wouldn’t have it any other way because we have her.”

“Will you tell me what you remember when the time comes?”

“If you want, I’ll tell you right now,” I reply.

Peeta’s hands moves up and down my waist before he cups my bottom, pulling me forward so I can wrap my legs around his waist.

“After,” he says simply.

His mouth is instantly on my neck again and my hands scramble to unzip his jeans—

“AHH!”

The front door slams shut and Peeta jumps from the couch as I tumble to the carpet.

“Katniss!” He pulls me up quickly, his eyes panicked. “Are you okay?”

“You almost gave me a fucking heart attack!” I look at the front door. “Who was that?”

“I think it was Adina.”

“We’ve officially scarred her for life,” I tell him and start buttoning my cardigan closed. “Zip up, honey.”

He looks down and pulls up his half opened fly up.

Going to the door, I open it carefully to find Adina sitting on the front steps. I close the door and sit beside her.

“Are you okay?”

Her legs are drawn to her body as she hugs her legs. Adina looks over at me—her face flushed.

“I got out of school early,” she tells me. “I thought we could go take a walk or something. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“No, we should’ve gone somewhere more private.” I can tell that there is something else on her mind. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I know you guys are together, but it’s weird to see you parents—you know.”

The door opens and Peeta steps out to join us. He looks a lot neater than I do. Half of my hair is a large frizzball.

“Hi.” He sits on her other side. “Are you okay?”

“Were you two like that when you were younger?” she asks suddenly. Her cheeks are crimson and she stares straight ahead, afraid to look at us, but especially her father.

Despite everything, Adina has never been one to hold back from me—we’ve always been honest with each other.

With Peeta now around, however, the momentum in our home has shifted. She’s not sure what or what not to say in front of him. I can sense it in the way she avoids his stare, even now.

I look over at Peeta to see if he wants to answer.

“Not at first, I guess,” Peeta replies. “Why?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people so into each other as you two,” Adina says carefully. “I guess I didn’t think it really existed —that kind of…passion.”

“I love your mother,” he tells her. “It took us a long time to get where we are and to understand each other—physically.”

She puts her hand up in front of him. “Just stop right now.”

“Why don’t we go on that walk?” I suggest.

Adina jumps up and is walking quickly ahead of us.

“We need to work on your parenting talks,” I tell him as I take his hand.

++++++

“Are you going to keep on ignoring us?” Peeta asks Adina as we sit on the bench overlooking the city.

We find ourselves in Dolores Park—this time at the top entrance overlooking the playground. Downtown San Francisco is in view, as well as the Bay Bridge—we can also see the beginning of the new bridge that connects to the East Bay.

She hasn’t spoken to us since she planted herself on that bench. We sit on each side and every once in a while, I meet Peeta’s eyes.

“I’m not ignoring you,” she replies. “I just feel weird.”

“Weird?” I repeat.

She finally looks over at me. “Yes, weird,” Adina says. “I mean, look at you, Mom!”

“What did I do?”

“I mean, I know Bailey has checked you out,” she tells me. “And imagine being a twelve year old in braces with you as my mom—any boy who came over to study with me was only at the house to look at _you_.”

“That is not true.”

“Katniss, you’re one of those moms,” Peeta says as he tries not to smile. “A MILF.”

“It’s true,” Adina says and crosses her arms before looking over at Peeta. “Then there’s you.”

“What about me?”

“During Christmas break, all of my girlfriends kept on spying on you,” she says accusingly.

“Well, well…” I grin at him. “Look who’s a DILF.”

“So you feel weird about that?”

“It’s not that,” she says to us. “Do you know how it feels to be the daughter of two very attractive parents? There must be a standard for how I _should_ look.”

“You’re beautiful, Adina.” I look over at Peeta and see the reverence in his eyes when he looks at her.

Because in his mind, she is perfect.

“And everyone knows about what happened,” Adina whispers, almost shamefully.

It finally dawns on me.

“Everyone knows that your parents were the same age as you are when they had you.” Adina nods. “Are your classmates making fun of you—“

“—it isn’t that!” She looks at both of us before looking down at her feet. “But who wouldn’t expect the girl with the teenage parents to not be easy?”

“If any boy says anything like that to you, I’ll kill him,” Peeta tells her.

“Dad—“

“I need names, Adina.”

“Peeta—“ He looks over at me. “Don’t.”

“And you’re living at our house, Dad,” she continues. “You think that the other parents don’t gossip about how my parents are shacking up? Then I see you two going at it on our couch—and I’m freaking out because as in love as you two look—where is this going?”

She is asking the very same question that we’ve been trying to figure out.

“What do you want?” I ask her.

Adina looks between us and leans her head against Peeta’s shoulder as I pull her feet onto my lap. We watch the children in the playground below us.

“Doesn’t every kid want the dream?” she says as her eyes follow the children. “The one where her parents get married and live happily ever after?”

I turn to look at Peeta and he nods once. We have to try for her, too.

I take Adina’s hand as Peeta kisses the top of her head affectionately and I see a content smile form on her lips.

“We’re working on it, babe.”

++++++

**_Monday, January 14, 2013_ **

**Bay Area Counseling—San Francisco Chapter**

“So why are you here today?”

We shift nervously on the couch. The man in front of us smiles gently as he leans back into his chair.

“I can’t help you if you don’t speak to me,” Dr. Aurelius continues. “Johanna tells me that you recently reunited.”

Dr. Aurelius is a counselor recommended by our friend—they had a mutual colleague at UCSF. He specializes in couples—mainly married couples—and made an exception for us.

“I came back from New York in October,” Peeta starts. “Our friends were getting married and it had been a while since I’d been back to the Bay Area.” He looks over at me. “I also wanted to see her.”

“You two were in a relationship.”

“A little more than that,” I tell him. “We have a daughter, Adina. She’s a senior in high school now.”

“So you were about her age when you gave birth to her,” the doctor writes before looking at me again. “That must have been difficult.”

“It was—“ I pause, looking over at Peeta. “—because I never told Peeta about Adina. He came to the wedding not knowing that he has a kid.”

Dr. Aurelius looks over at Peeta. “That must have been a shock.”

“It was,” he admits. “I even talked to her before I knew who she was. She looked exactly like Katniss at her age, but her eyes are mine.” Peeta smiles to himself. “I love her.”

“So this brings me again to my first question,” he says to us. “Why are you here?”

“Because between reuniting with all of our friends and finding out he has a daughter that I kept from him—we’ve reconnected,” I explain and I can feel the heat on my cheeks.

“We realized that those feelings are still there,” Peeta further explains. “Our problem is that we lived these very different lives and we both have pasts that have left us—damaged.”

“How do we work through this?” I find myself asking. “I don’t want to lie to Peeta anymore.”

“You lie?”

“I keep things from him.” Dr. Aurelius waits for me to expand on what I’m saying. “I want to protect him.”

“From what?”

“From me,” I say. “I’m not a good person.”

“And why would you think that?”

I wipe my suddenly misty eyes. “Because if I was better, then maybe she wouldn’t have left.”

“Her mother,” Peeta informs him and then turns to me. “You think she left because of you? She was an unhappy person, Katniss; there wasn’t anything you could do.”

“The day she left,” I can feel the tears track down my cheeks as I hear her voice in my head. “I told her I was pregnant and she told me to get rid of it.”

Dr. Aurelius takes the box of tissue from the table next to him and hands it to me.

“Whenever you’re ready, go on,” he says.

I wipe my eyes and take a breath before continuing.

“She told me to not make the same mistake she did.” Peeta tightens his hold on my hand.

“So you think you’re the one to blame,” our doctor says.

“Of course! Because of me, she didn’t live the life she wanted,” I find myself rambling. “I represent everything that she never had, and the places she never went, and all the dreams that she never realized.”

“I don’t think that one decision, even something as significant as having a child, is the reason for never reaching a single goal,” Dr. Aurelius reasons. “You, for example, have managed to go to school, get a job and raise your child. It isn’t an easy task and I’m sure you know that. You were not the reason that she never did anything— _she_ was.”

He places his pad on the table next to him and looks at me.

“You weren’t the mistake. Her mistake was never trying.”

++++++

That night, I cry in Peeta’s arms—I cry for him and for myself. I cry for all of the time we wasted and for the time I took from him because I never told him about Adina.

Dr. Aurelius wants us to start with two sessions a week. Next time, he wants to work with Peeta.

He tells me that I need to work on being clear when it comes to how I feel. I’m afraid that if I tell people how I feel, I’ll be rejected and so I lie to protect myself. I’ve come up with so many conclusions on my own that I tell myself that my way is the only way, despite the consequences.

For example, my decision to never tell Peeta about Adina.

Peeta and I together is the only endgame; we made that clear from the beginning.

Dr. Aurelius is aware of this.

“It’s going to take a lot of time,” is all he can tell us.

We’re willing to work for it.

At dinner, however, I find myself drained from the session. I can hardly eat and I know that Adina is worried. She kept shooting Peeta worried glances throughout dinner. I couldn’t find the strength to assure her that I was fine.

Because I’m not.

So when we finally closed the door to our room, Peeta scooped me up in his arms and managed to crawl with me to the middle of the bed.

“Katniss, if you want to cry, then do it,” he says. “Don’t hold back—not anymore.”

So I don’t.

“I wasted so much time.” My mouth is muffled against his chest. “And I lied to you. How could you possibly love me?”

“You’re not perfect—God knows. But love means taking the broken and unbroken,” he replies.

“I’m as broken as they come.”

“I’m up for the challenge.” Peeta pulls me closer to him and smiles wryly. “Remember, it’s my session next time.”

“Whatever you say is safe with me,” I promise him. I know that I won’t be happy hearing about Glimmer, and that despite never knowing Cinna—my heart will hurt for Peeta when he decides to talk about him.

I hurt for him because despite everything, they loved Peeta when I couldn’t and I’m grateful for that.

“Will you tell me something about your life in New York?” I ask after I’ve calmed down. “Anything you want.”

He thinks for a moment. “Cinna always made me watch movies more than once if he had a crush on the actor,” Peeta recalls with a laugh. “He would bribe me by stuffing me full of hot dogs from Gray’s Papaya.”

“How did you keep the weight off?” I laugh as I run a hand down his hard abdomen. “You’re looking mighty fit for someone who eats that much junk food.”

“I was always out and about,” he tells me. “I would run in Central Park. If Glimmer came with me, she would scream at me if I didn’t run fast enough and then wander off at the next moment. I’d find her by a pond, feeding ducks or dancing by some band.”

“She sounds like fun.” I can’t muster enough strength to hide the bitter tone of my voice.

“She was until she wasn’t,” he replies, his voice serious.

“Do you have a picture of them?”

Peeta looks down at me from where I lay on his chest. “Do you really want to see this?” I can tell it will be hard for him to see their faces.

I nod. “Yes, I think we both need to see them.”

He grabs his phone from the bedside table and goes through the picture gallery before handing the phone to me.

“This was in ’97,”he tells me. “Right before she left.”

I examine the photo carefully. Cinna is handsome with his chocolate skin, a short afro, and a strong jaw. His smile is bright and shows off a set of pearly teeth. He is wearing a vest with no shirt underneath and a thin scarf.

Pressed against him is Glimmer.

My God—she is fucking beautiful with long, sunshine hair that hits her shoulders and cerulean eyes surrounded by naturally long lashes. I can’t help but compare her upturned nose to my slightly flat one and my colorless lips to her plush, pink ones.

She is in her fur coat and a tight leather dress.

“They look like fun,” I sputter out weakly and hand the phone to him.

Peeta sits up and I follow. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m happy and sad looking at them.” Nervously, I twist my hair around my finger as I talk. “Because I wish I could’ve known them too and I’m happy that they cared for you. And part of me—“ I take a deep breath. “—is jealous. Because they got to hold you and maybe she kissed you while I couldn’t.”

“They knew about you. Cinna did from the beginning. So did Glimmer,” he says, looking into my eyes. “And I tried to get over you, but in the end—they knew there was no way that I would. Cinna always said I was stubborn.” He takes my hands and opens them palm up, placing a kiss on each. “The ring that he made was based on a story I told him—about you.”

“What?”

“I would dream about you,” he says quietly. “About our time in the vineyard and how the sun would filter through fields. It made your skin glow and turn rosy whenever you got warm from the heat. I told him about that dream one day in a drunken stupor—and he never forgot.”

My hands close over his. “Thank you for telling me this.” I slowly push him back until his head is resting comfortably on the mattress before straddling him carefully.

“What are you doing?” His voice is tight as I slowly move my pelvis against his.

Leaning down, I kiss him, exploring the inside of his mouth and tasting him until we are both craving one another.

“I want to make love to you,” I say with my lips still brushing his. “How could I not when you tell me a story like that?”

++++++

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Peeta looks at me nervously as he sits at the kitchen table.

Adina, who is watching me, sits beside him and when my eyes meet hers, she gives me a thumbs up.

“I need to,” I tell him simply.

Picking up the piece of paper that Prim gave me, I reach for the phone on the counter, dialing quickly before I chicken out.

After two rings, someone answers. “Hello?”

That voice hasn’t changed—it’s still clear and sharp as ever.

 

“Hi Mom—it’s Katniss.”

* * *

 

Don’t be mad! I know there are those who probably wanted him to say yes right away.

But they have issues—and we need to fix them.

As you can see, past and present are starting to collide. There will be more on the mother situation.

I’m also beginning to segue into Johanna and Gale’s story—did anyone realize that they were still meeting? It was briefly mentioned in an Annie chapter. There will be about four chapters with Gale and Johanna because I will have to slowly faze them out for—reasons.

Other notes:

MILF-“Mom I’d Like to F**ck” so I’m sure you know what DILF means too.

This year, the East Bay section of the Bay Bridge was taken apart and a new bridge brought in. It looks so futuristic.

So ‘Bay Area Counseling’ is something I made up—I have no affiliation with any counseling companies.

Let me know if you want to see the ring—I’ve got a picture.

Reviews, questions, and messages are welcome on FF, AO3 and Tumblr are always welcome.

Next: Katniss ’97—and baby Adina

With love, JLaLa


	26. Chapter Twenty-Six: 1997

And now a little bit of life with Baby Adina.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for her hard work.

_Don't want the pain of falling_   
_In and out of love_   
_It's more than my poor heart should endure_   
_So I listen to all the advice_   
_And remember each time I cry…_

_-Brandy  “Brokenhearted” (1995)_

Again

Part Two, Chapter Twenty-Six: 1997

**_Monday, February 10, 1997, 3:00AM_ **

I know Adina’s cries by heart.

I’m already awake and working on homework, but when she lets out her tiny little whine—I’m rushing to pick her up from the bassinet next to my bed.

“Hungry, aren’t you?” I say to her and her eyes focus on me.

They’ve changed into the same grey as my own.

But when she looks up at me, all I can see is Peeta staring back. Her little tufts of dark hair are even starting to curl like his.

I love it all. I love her because she has the best of the both of us. I can tell already.

I quickly unbutton the front of my pajama top and pull down the cup of my nursing bra. Her little pink mouth is pursed, eager to be fed and my breasts ache from the milk that is ready, so she easily finds her way to me and latches on.

Those first few days after her birth, I was so disoriented that they had to connect me to a pumping machine to feed her. I was relieved they didn’t get her on formula because losing this connection to her would have broken me more than I have been already.

Adina is my first and my last.

I’ve learned to accept it. I’m sure it's my punishment for keeping her from Peeta.

Peeta.

Thresh still talks to him. He did tell my friend to say to Merry Christmas to me during the holiday. I was still recovering from my Caesarian and hysterectomy so I was a little too out of it to respond.

Since then, Thresh has been pretty mum about him.

As I feed Adina, who is cradled in one arm, I walk to my desk and open the top drawer with my free hand. Inside are two movie tickets, three cassettes and a photo of me—these are his things.

Taking a cassette out, I walk over to the boombox on top of my vanity and press play—this is the tape that makes Adina fall asleep: a collection of all our favorite songs. The second tape contains songs that we would listen to during road trips, like the ones we would take to Sonoma.

The last cassette is the one I haven’t listened to yet. I found it in my back pocket the day I said goodbye to him at the airport. It is only labeled with my name.

“I heard from a friend today and she said you were in town…”

Adina’s eyes widen at the sound of my voice and I’m smiling down at her because she fills me with such indescribable joy. At the same time, she can make me so sad because I see so much of him in her and the pain of my betrayal hits me again.

If I touch her chin a certain way, she smiles like Peeta and her eyes crinkle like his, too.

I walk back and forth across the room, singing the song that I used to sing to him to the tiny baby dressed in a duck print onesie. I try not to focus on the fact that I still sleep in the bed where he made love to me for the first time.

That bed is just full of stories.

Eventually, the vibration of my voice and the rocking against my body brings Adina back into a content slumber. Her mouth is slightly open and her eyes are shut. Carefully, I lift her head against my shoulder and rub her back soothingly until I hear a tiny little burp escape her mouth.

“Good girl,” I coo as I cradle her in one arm. I replace the cup of my bra and then button myself back up with one hand.

I’ve learned to multi-task now.

Quietly, I walk to back to the bassinet and place her in before covering her with the white mink blanket that Thresh’s mom gave me. Looking down at her peaceful form, my eyes suddenly fill and I reach out to touch her chin.

I just need to see his smile.

++++++

**7:00AM**

“Katniss?”

My eyes focus on the petite figure in front of me. It’s Prim and she is holding Adina in her arms as she sits on my bed. I smile, watching Adina’s hand reach up and try to touch her Aunt’s face.

“Did I fall asleep?” I look down at my unfinished homework.

Shit.

“It’s okay,” she reassures me. “Dad wanted me to tell you that breakfast is ready.”

I yawn. “Thanks, I’ll be down in a minute.”

“You know—you can always wake one of us if you need help,” my sister suggests carefully. “I’m not really doing anything on the weekends, too—“

“--I’m fine, sweetie.”

“You didn’t even get to the second problem,” Prim replies. “You also drooled all over your paper.”

Sitting up, I stretch my arms over my head and then walk over to the bed. “I got her.”

“Let me please,” Prim begs at she looks down at her niece with a grin. “She just seems so active right now. Look at how she’s just looking around like she trying to guess what everything is. It’s amazing.”

I smile and put an arm around her. “Okay, let’s go down.”

As we walk down the stairs, I can hear Johanna singing. She sleeps in my Dad’s office on the first floor and her door opens right as we reach the bottom. Her hair is hidden under a green bandana and she is wearing baggy jeans with a tight black spaghetti top as she dances towards us.

“I was born under water with 3 dollars and 6 dimes…yeah, you might laugh 'cause you did not do your math…”

“Morning, Jo-Jo,” I greet her and she puts an arm around me.

“Oh Mama—you need a nap,” Johanna says as we walk to the kitchen. “What time is your class today?”

“Ten.”

“I’ll take my goddaughter for the day,” she offers. “After class, you come home and go to sleep.”

“Jo—“

“I won’t take no for an answer,” Johanna replies and then looks over at me, her eyes worried. “You're pale and you look like you fell asleep at your desk again.“

“She did,” Prim informs her as we enter the kitchen.

My Dad gives me a smile from where he cooks on the stove and my lips attempt to move up but it feels somewhat strained.

The smell of bacon makes my stomach grumble. How long has it been since I ate? I think I was able to eat some cereal while I was reading last night.

Johanna pulls my chair out for me. “Sit.”

Prim sits across from me, cradling Adina and I can see that my daughter is getting fussy.

“She’s hungry,” I say to Prim. “Hand her over.”

“She’s not even crying—“

My sister tries to protest but the little cry has already escaped from Adina’s mouth.

“See?” I’m already unbuttoning my top.

Prim rushes over and places Adina in my arms.

“You need to eat,” Dad tells me as he kisses the top of my head and Johanna places a plate in front of me. He has been really great even though he’s been busy at work. It’s not easy paying for my schooling plus hospital bills. “Got to keep the milk machine going so that my granddaughter gets nice and big.”

“With the amount she’s eating, I think she’ll be a giant.”

Johanna hands me a nursing cover. We keep them everywhere in the house. I never know where I'll have to whip these giant things out to feed.

Covering myself, I pull down the cup of the nursing bra and help Adina find her way to my nipple.

“Wow, those are huge.” Her eyes focus on the little bit of what she can see. “You would’ve been a lot more popular in high school with those.”

“I think I was popular enough.”

Johanna starts buttering a piece of toast and puts it to my mouth. “Eat.”

“Jo—“

“Do it.” Her eyes bore at me and I open my mouth to take a small bite.

The doorbell rings and Prim jumps up. “I got it!”

I let Adina suckle as Johanna feeds me toast. I have to admit that the food is making me feel better. Dad places some bacon on the plate before he sits down at the head of the table.

“Portia called,” he suddenly says. “She wanted to give us some pediatrician recommendations.”

I turn to him and try not to smile. “So when do obstetricians call to do this?”

“She is _so_ trying to pick you up, Mr. Everdeen,” Johanna tells him with a teasing grin.

“You two are too much," he says, his face turning scarlet.

I like Portia.

While I was recovering, she checked up on me even when she wasn’t on duty. She answered any questions that my Dad had on how to help me when we came home—she was his rock.  The day I left the hospital, she gave me her card along with her beeper number just in case I ever needed to talk.

“Morning everyone!” Thresh walks in and then stops when he sees the cover on my chest. “Should I go and sit in the living room?”

“Like a breast is going to do anything for you anyway—you’re gay,” Johanna retorts.

He gives her a not-so-discreet middle finger.

“Everyone calm down and eat,” my dad says. “Is this any way to act around an impressionable high schooler and an infant?”

“I know what a middle finger is, Dad,” Prim says as she bites into a piece of bacon.

Thresh sits next to my sister and starts piling food on his plate.

This is how our mornings are at the Everdeen house now. I actually think it’s a vast improvement over the silent breakfasts we had last year when my parents were barely speaking to one another.

“Hey, Johanna,” Thresh begins. “You think you can take a shift at the store on Friday?”

Johanna started working at The Wherehouse during the holidays as a cashier. Her sales record is actually pretty good and she was given a more permanent position just recently.

“Sure, what’s going on?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day this Friday and I wanted to take Jay somewhere.”

I feel my insides freeze.

Last Valentine’s Day, I was with Peeta. I can still feel his body against mine—still warm and wet from the shower that we had just taken. My mind remembers the feeling of our wet skin meeting as I pushed my hips to meet his--

“Yo, Katniss, you okay?”

I look up to see Thresh and everyone else staring at me.

I quickly check on Adina under the cover. She is no longer drinking but sleeping against my chest. Putting the cup of my bra back on, I look over at Johanna who quickly takes Adina from me so she can burp her.

“I’m fine,” I tell my friend. “I just realized that I'd better pump before I get ready for class.”

I stand up and go upstairs before anyone can ask any questions.

++++++

**12:00PM**

Two hour classes suck.

I’m not sure why I’m even taking this biology class. My bag feels so heavy and just walking across the street to wait for the train seems like an ordeal.

There are people counting on me.

I know Johanna has a class in a few hours and we need to switch off so she can go. Also, Prim wanted to model some of her dress choices for the Valentine’s Day dance—how sad is it that she's probably getting more action than I am at this point?

Then I remember how bad my body aches and the nasty scar that is still healing.

Action is the last thing that should be on my mind.

“Hey, Katniss!”

I turn to see Johanna’s old biology partner—what was his name?

“Hey…”

The tall blond gives me a smile. “It’s Cato—it’s been awhile.”

“How are you doing?” I ask, though my eyes are focused on the waiting ramp across the street.

“Good,” he replies and I see his eyes follow mine. “Listen. I need to ask Johanna a question about our Organic Chemistry class. Can I give you a ride to your house?”

I turn to him. “Organic Chemistry?”

“Don’t ask,” he replies and then grabs my bag from my shoulder. “You look like you’re about to fall over.”

“I’m fine—“ I see the train leaving. “Shit.”

“Let’s go,” he tells me. “My car is just a block down.”

++++++

“So what’s her name?”

I look over at Cato. His eyes are focused on the road, and then I look at my pager to check the time.

I hope that Johanna didn’t put Adina down for a nap. It will throw off her sleeping schedule and she’ll be up all night. I really need to finish my stats homework.

“It’s Adina,” I tell him. “Adina June Everdeen Me—“ I stop myself before I can say his last name.

I didn’t put it on the birth certificate, but his name is listed under the label, ‘Father’.

Cato nods. “Adina June--pretty.”

I fiddle with the radio, looking for something suitable to listen to while I ride with this stranger.

_“No more "I love you's"_   
_The language is leaving me_   
_No more "I love you's"_   
_Changes are shifting outside the word…”_

“Do you always mess with other people’s radios?”

“Do you always drive strangers to their houses just to ask a question?” I reply and he blushes.

I knew it. She can’t help it sometimes.

“You know, if you like Johanna, you might just want to call our house—“

“No!” I jump back at the force of his voice. “I just have to ask her a question because I wasn’t really sure and then I wrote these notes that I don’t really understand—“

“Okay, chill,” I tell him. “I won’t mention it again.”

He is in serious denial.

We lapse into a tense silence before he speaks again.

“So you like Annie Lennox?”

++++++

When we get to the house, I’m already stepping out of the car before Cato can even turn off the engine.

The front door opens and Johanna comes out with a wailing Adina in her arms. “She doesn’t like the bottle.”

I take her quickly as my friend walks with me into the house. “There must be something about your nipples—oh hey, Cato.”

“Hey, Johanna. I’m just going to put her bag here,” Cato stammers as I walk up the stairs.

Adina’s eyes are wet and her face is scarlet. She always gets fussy in the afternoon.

“Oh, my love,” I say softly to her as I walk into my room and close the door. Opening the top drawer, I pull out the cassette and put it into my boombox. The tape starts up right where it left off last night.

_“How could the one I gave my world to…throw my world away?_   
_How could the one who said I love you… say the things you say?_   
_How could the one I was so true to…just tell me lies?”_

For some reason, these lines seemed almost directed at me. I did lie.

Adina begins to fuss again so I begin unbuttoning my flannel top—my clothes are all about easy access now.

“There there, now,” I tell her as I sit on my bed. “Let’s get you fed but you have to try to stay up for a little while. Auntie Jo-Jo is going to class soon so it’s just you and me till Auntie Prim comes home.”

I look over at the photo of our group that is placed on the desk and then at Adina, who gazes up at me with wide, curious eyes.

Eyes that remind me of a boy who gave me goosebumps just by giving me that same gaze.

Does he think of me?

“Your Daddy took this picture,” I inform her. “He’s talented, isn’t he?”

I try to assure myself every day that I’ve made the right choice, but it hurts to think that somewhere out there in New York—he hates me.

“It would’ve been a waste of his gift here,” I continue. “One day, you’re going to ask me about him and I hope you’ll understand why I did what I did. Even if you hate me after—I promise I'll try to be as truthful as possible. I’ve already lied so much.”

The overwhelming sadness hits me suddenly and I feel the urge to just lie in bed so I can sleep—forever.

Something hits Adina’s chin and I realize that it is a single tear.

I’m starting to cry again.

It happens.

++++++

**_Thursday, February 13, 1997 3:00PM_ **

“So, do you think that he’s dating her?”

I stop at the last two steps of the stairs when I hear Johanna’s voice.

“Well, she’s made herself comfortable—remember during Christmas? She was at his place,” Thresh tells her.

He’s come to babysit so I can study and maybe get a nap in.

“Peeta wouldn’t do anything like that.”

_Peeta._

Just his name has me unable to stand so I sit in the stairwell away from their view.

“I don’t think so either, but they’re all going out this Friday,” Thresh continues. “Him, her and Cinna—his designer friend and it is Valentine’s Day.”

There’s a pause.

“She still loves him.” I know Johanna is talking about me. “If she knew about this and Christmas—“

“Then don’t say anything because I don’t want anyone jumping to conclusions!”

“And this bitch is a model?”

“Apparently. His professor called her ‘his muse’. This photo he took of her was enough to get him some recognition.”

Peeta has someone else—my chest hurts.

Quietly, I go back upstairs.

What did I expect really? I told him to go and find someone else. 

I just didn’t think that it would be this soon.

Someone like me doesn’t deserve to be loved like that anyway—a mistake.

Her words still echo inside me after all this time.

I check on Adina, who is fast asleep in her bassinet. Her dark hair brushes her forehead and my finger reaches to caress her cheek. Then I lean down and place my cheek against hers, taking in her scent.

She is my only reason for getting up now. “I love you.”

I know I will tell her an infinite amount of times that I love her and every time I will mean it. I won’t ever be like my mother and make her feel like she didn’t deserve a chance to breathe.

Going to my desk drawer, I take out the second tape and put it in my boombox.

I’m so tired.

_Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away_   
_Now it looks as though they're here to stay_   
_Oh, I believe in yesterday…_

Lying back on my bed, I turn so I can watch Adina but my mind drifts back to another time. His eyes staring back at me after that first time that we made love and the touch of his hand against my face.

I’m okay—even if I’m crying so hard that I can’t breathe.

Even though I need to bury my face in this pillow to swallow the noise, I’m wishing that I could just lay my head against his chest just to feel that closeness one more time.

I’m okay.

++++++

“Katniss?”

Someone shakes my shoulder and I’m jarred awake. The music has stopped playing.

I open my eyes and see Johanna kneeling in front of me. Thresh is rocking Adina in his arms, her pink blanket bright against his navy shirt.

“Are you okay?”

No.

The words don’t come. Instead, I find myself curling up inside and my eyes begin to water.

I’ll never be okay.

The walls are closing in and everything is getting darker.

“Katniss—“Johanna feels my forehead then looks over at Thresh. “Look at her—she’s pale and she's crying.”

Her dark eyes look me over and it feels like ice when she touches me. I curl in further.

“Katniss, you’re scaring me.”

“Take Adina,” Thresh tells her and Johanna takes the baby from him. Suddenly, he is in front of me. “Look at me, Katniss.”

I meet his eyes once and I can see the fear.

But Thresh’s words echo in my mind. Peeta is with someone else and Thresh knew.

I want to be angry and I want to scream!

I want to tell him to get the fuck out of my room and never come back—instead I’m sobbing while Thresh is trying to uncurl my body.

He keeps on saying something about me needing to breathe.

“GET OUT OF MY WAY!”

It’s Prim and she is pushing Thresh off me. Her hands are on my face. “Look at me.” Her blue eyes bore into mine and something inside me begins to react. Her touch is warm, unlike everyone else's.

“Not again, not this again…”

“Prim, has this happened before?” Johanna asks.

“After Mom took off, it was only for a day,” Prim informs her. “It became too much and Mom had left—right after Katniss told her about Adina so she just shut down. We both did.”

She looks at me again and Prim places a hand on my head. She looks so much older than fourteen.

“No one will ever understand you like I do.”

++++++

I sleep.

For how long, I’m not really sure. It is dark when I wake up again.

Outside my door, I can hear yelling--Prim against Johanna and Thresh.

She is angry because I think she’s figured out what has triggered this.

“NO! You don’t tell me to calm down! This is MY house! You should’ve known better, Thresh,” Prim argues. “Look at my sister—she is not made of fucking stone!”

“You don’t cuss at me, Prim!” Thresh shouts back. “I didn’t know she was there!”

“Next time,” my sister warns. “Watch your conversations—this is a small house with a lot going on in it.”

“We’re sorry,” Johanna says in a quiet voice and I can tell that she’s been crying. “I didn’t know.”

“Dad is coming home soon,” Prim tells her. “He’s been worried for months. Portia talked about post-partum symptoms with us and how to watch for them.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Johanna asks.

“You’re NOT family,” Prim says sharply.

There is silence and a door slamming somewhere. I think Prim really pissed Thresh and Johanna off.

I get up and go to the bassinet; Adina looks up at me.

HE looks up at me.

“I’m no good for you,” I tell her.

But her arms reach out and I am holding her, letting her soft skin and sweet smell fill me.

++++++

**_Friday, February 14, 1997 2:00AM_ **

_“I want this to be forever. Do you think that it might be?”_

Peeta’s voice echoes in my ears; he thought I was asleep that day but I heard him.

My eyes snap open and in the darkness, I suddenly focus on the man sitting in front of me.

“Katniss?” my father calls out softly as he holds Adina in his arms. She is drinking from a bottle of my pumped milk. “Were you dreaming, honey?”

I sit up and wipe my eyes, still hearing Peeta’s voice in my head. He’s everywhere.

“I can’t stop hearing him,” I find myself whimpering.

Dad stands slowly and puts Adina in her bassinet before he sits on my bed next to me. He understands clearly who the ‘him’ is.

“Your heart is broken,” he responds quietly. “It’s never easy.”

“Something is wrong with me,” I stammer and a sob escapes my mouth. “Why can’t I just be okay?” I clap a hand over my mouth trying to silence my cries.

His arms encircle me and I lean my head against his chest.

“Your mother left us,” he responds, his voice soft and sad. “Then he left and you had a baby. Your only baby.” I inhale sharply as the fact gets thrown at me again. “You’re only human to feel this way, sweetie. We’re not robots scheduling every single moment of our lives—we’re people and we have to live our lives. No matter what.”

Dad holds me closer and I can hear him trying to sniff back tears.

“You need to get better, Katniss. I can’t lose you, too,” he pleads chokingly. “I just can’t.”

As I lay against him, I watch the tears stain his shirt and I’m not really sure whether they’re his or my own.

++++++

**_Two weeks later_ **

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be okay.

Portia says that it’s post-partum depression and that it happens to a lot of women after childbirth.

With what I’ve gone through, she isn’t surprised that I’ve had a breakdown. She had warned Dad about this while I was still in the hospital.

Some days I’m okay and I can make it through classes, studying, and helping out at the house. Other days, I can’t get out of bed and Johanna is threading an arm around my waist to just prop me up.

There is one thing that I never neglect and that’s Adina.

Her cries have me rushing out of bed when I can’t even wash my face sometimes. Her smiles bring tears to my eyes and they’re the happy kind.

Yesterday, I tickled that spot on her chin and she let out a tiny sound that resembled a laugh.

I froze on the spot.

That wavering little noise that escaped her mouth sounded just like Peeta’s chuckle—and for the first time, I felt okay.

Because I love him for giving me her—even if he doesn’t know it. I guess I always will.

I know that I can’t live in the past. So today, I open the top drawer of my desk for the last time.

I take the cassettes, the movie tickets from our first date and the last photo he took of me—the girl in the photo doesn’t exist anymore.

I put them all in a box for Adina. One day, she will want to know about him.

I have other mementos of Peeta: photos that he took of the city—the city we fell in love in.

This box, however, is who we were together.

Before I close it, my hand touches the third tape—the one I never listened to.

As Adina naps, my feet find their way to the boombox and after putting the tape in, I press play and wait. The song starts and it sounds vaguely familiar.

It is only when I hear these words do I understand why he chose this song for me:

_“So I, I'm turning to you,_   
_Because you always seem to know what to do._   
_When times like these arrive, I call,_   
_On my only true friend in the world, my girl...”_

Peeta had his own doubts about leaving. He just needed me to give him that push and I did—even if it wasn’t for the best reasons.

But he is just too talented to not take the world in his hands.

Peeta belongs in New York.

I belong here with Adina.

That has to be enough for now.

We _all_ have a lot of growing up to do.

Adina and I—we’ll grow up together.

* * *

 So I feel like this is the end of Part Two.

Part Three will begin with the Johanna and Gale arc. We'll get that all resolved or somewhat resolved or not resolved—it depends on how you look at it.

There aren't a lot of 90’s references here, except for perhaps the music. This is really focused on how Katniss’ life is now that she is a young mother, student, and partner in a household.

It actually comes full circle because I do refer to a few things from the first chapter—the box that Adina has, the photos in Katniss’ bedroom…

Also, think about the photo that Peeta showed Katniss in the last chapter.

The line that Peeta says in her dream is from Chapter 16.

Post-partum depression is always a big topic for me because I’ve had friends and family who have experienced it, so please don’t think that Katniss is okay just yet. This is just a stepping off point in her psychological recovery. If I could carry this story for long enough, you would see that these feelings of melancholy and worthlessness follow her for quite a bit.

Katniss isn’t perfect, but her number one priority is Adina. If there’s anything that I want my readers to see—it’s that.

Prim is a feisty one, isn’t she? She really gives it to Johanna and Thresh but they will all eventually make amends.

Songs:

“Again”-Janet Jackson

“On and On”-Erykah Badu

“The One I Gave My Heart To”-Aaliyah

“No More I Love You’s”-Annie Lennox

“Yesterday”-The Beatles (I know it’s not from the 90’s, but The Beatles are timeless….)

“Come with Me”-Shai

Reviews, asks on Tumblr, and PM’s are always appreciated. I just wanted to thank you for reading and I hope that you’re enjoying so far!

Next: Johanna-2013

Till then,

JLaLa


	27. Chapter Twenty-Seven: 2013

 

Welcome to Johanna-land—it’s a bit of a mess.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, who supports me and fixes my mistakes. Love her much.

_What drives you on_   
_Can drive you mad_   
_A million lies to sell yourself_   
_Is all you ever had…_

_-Garbage “Stupid Girl” (1996)_

Again

Part Three, Chapter Twenty-Seven: 2013

**_Friday, February 1, 2013 3:30PM_ **

I live in a world of lies—most of them my own.

Gale is kissing my shoulder, pulling my bra strap aside so he can cover my skin with his kisses.

“I hate when you do that,” I moan and he nips playfully at my skin.

He knows I’m lying.

He continues on, trailing his lips across my neck and other shoulder as I reach behind me to unclip the lacy black bra that he loves so much.

I slip it off before turning to him and his eyes linger over my breasts—which I’ll admit are pretty fabulous —before he looks into my eyes.  That’s the thing about Gale—as much as he wants me in his bed, he wants himself in my heart more.

He wants me to love him.

All I’m capable of doing, however, is taking.

I reach forward, pulling his white shirt over his head and tossing it to the ground. My hand trails over his strong chest and I rest my hand against his racing heart. He’s grown so much since we were teenagers. Military service has made him solid and I suddenly miss the smoothness of his boyish body, the one I used to rest my head against peacefully as we slept in his tiny bed.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks me.

I smile softly at him. “I was thinking about when we were kids and we were sleeping in that small bed of yours,” I reply as I take his hand to lead him to the bed. “We barely fit in that thing before—I wonder how we would fit now?”

Gale sits at the edge of the mattress and grins up at me.

“We wouldn’t.” His hands reach for my waist and his mouth is on my stomach, kissing just above the lace of my panties. I run my hands through his hair and he hums appreciatively at my caress. “Johanna, you’re beautiful.”

“You’re a liar.”

“No,” he whispers against my skin which weakens my resolve. “You are very beautiful. I’ve always thought so—inside and out.”

“Stop.” My voice sounds tiny. I don’t take compliments well.

Gale can tell that I’m on the brink of pushing him away. He stands up and I find myself being cradled in his arms before he settles back down with me on his lap.

“Don’t push me away,” he pleads into my shoulder and I wrap my arms around his neck. “Don’t hide from me.”

“I’m an open book, baby,” I tell him as I straddle him.

His grey eyes meet mine, amusement and lust dancing in them. “Liar.”

I brush my lips softly against his and we both sigh into one another, letting our tongues languidly dance against one another, kindling the fire inside until we are both panting with hunger. My hands are already sliding his jeans off as he lies back against the mattress and he doesn’t even bother to take my panties off.

Instead, he pulls the cloth in-between my thighs aside as I scramble to take off his briefs.

Next time, I should tell him not to bother wearing them at all.

I feel him hard against my thigh and we are trembling so badly with need that when I finally sink down on him, both of us cry out in unison.

He fits inside me so well—the lost piece to the broken puzzle that is Johanna Mason.

I can never tell him that.

Instead, I show him how I feel by the twist of my pelvis, the grip of my hands in his hair, and the look in my eyes as we both fall apart together.

Always together.

“I love you, Johanna,” he whispers breathlessly, his mouth brushing against mine as he sits up. I can’t help but smile at hearing him say those words to me.

Gale tightens his hold around my waist as I try to hide my grin against his shoulder.

Then I feel it—just barely digging into the side of my lower back because of the way he’s holding me.

His wedding ring.

I’m such a stupid girl.

++++++

“Are you free on Monday?”

I pull on my jeans and then turn to him.

He sits on the edge of the mattress, fully-clothed, watching me as I dress to go back to Katniss’ house. I promised Adina I would help her look through her housing options at Juilliard, so I’m in a rush to beat evening traffic into San Francisco.

“Maybe. I might visit Cato up at Stanford,” I tell him off-handedly. “I’ll let you know.”

He bristles at my words. “He seems to be making his rounds. First, Katniss and now you.”

“Don’t start that,” I respond as I put my bra back on. “You, of all people, should not be jealous.” I take the hair tie from around my wrist and tie my hair at the nape of my neck. “It’s annoying.”

“Why shouldn’t I be jealous?”

“I don’t know, Gale,” I snap suddenly. “Why don’t you ask Madge?”

He sinks a little into the mattress.

This is always the aftermath of our trysts. I pull away and he becomes an envious fool when I mention making plans that don’t involve him in my presence. We become everything that we don’t want to be: I’m cold and retreating, he’s petty and jealous.

After the sex, we are a horrible couple.

“I have to go,” I tell him and grab my purse off the dresser, almost knocking off the steel watch that he placed on it. It’s a wedding anniversary present from Madge. I take it and toss it in his direction. He catches the watch quickly. “Don’t forget to put this on. It will look suspicious if your watch gets found in what is usually _my_ room.”

My room at the Odair home is the same one I’ve always had since what Thresh refers to as the “Great Crash of ‘95”—our break-up; the one next to Katniss’ and as far away from his room as possible.

“I’m late,” I tell him. “I’ll see you later.”

 “Jo—“ He grabs my wrist and I pull away from him. “I’m sorry.” He places his head in his hands before looking up at me again. “I don’t mean to be this way, but I can’t help it sometimes—especially when it comes to you.”

There’s something so desperate and lost in his eyes that I can’t help but reach over to caress his chin with my thumb.

“I don’t belong to you, Gale,” I tell him gently and kiss him. “Not anymore.”

+++++

Downstairs, I reach into my purse and look at my phone. A text from Adina, and then one from Cato to confirm our meeting on Monday both flash on my screen.

For a moment, I contemplate canceling on Cato. I don’t want any friction between Gale and me. On the other hand, there is no reason for me to cancel without it looking suspicious.

The lies keep on piling up.

I put the phone back in my purse and look down, realizing that the buttons on my top are in the wrong holes.

“Fuck!” I’m late and I can’t even dress myself.

Quickly, I unbutton my top and open the front door so I can finish getting ready in Katniss’ car.

I still have to text Adina back, too—

“This is one hell of a house greeting.” I look up and see Haymitch grinning at me. “Hello, darling.”

“Haha. Don’t act like you haven’t seen a bra before,” I reply as I button myself up and step onto the porch before closing the door behind me. “What are you doing here?”

“I was going to see if Finnick wanted to stop by the old house but I don’t see his car,” he replies and then looks over at me. “What are _you_ doing here?”

His stare causes my face to warm. “He and Annie are having dinner with her parents—I had to pick something up.”

Haymitch looks at me for a moment; his eye color is similar to Katniss’ but a shade darker.

“Liar.”

For some reason, when he says it—my eyes begin to sting. Haymitch’s teasing grin falls immediately and his hand reaches over to swipe away the lone tear rolling down my cheek.

“I didn’t mean it, Johanna,” he tells me, his eyes serious as he takes my hand to lead me to the bench on the porch.

I wipe my eyes as I sit and turn to him. “I’m fine. Just tired, I think.”

He nods slowly. “I always cry when I’m tired, too.”

I snort at his attempt to make a joke. “Are you going to give me a Capri-Sun too?”

“No, you’re not a kid anymore,” he replies as he looks over my weepy face. “You grew up a long time ago.” His eyes wander over to where Gale’s car is parked in front of mine. “Some things are just too hard to let go of, aren’t they?”

“Especially the things that are bad for you,” I tell him and let out a breath. “I don’t know why I keep coming back.”

“Maybe it’s because you don’t think that there’s anything else to look forward to,” Haymitch says as we look out at the descending sun. “But sometimes the things that you actually need are right in front of you.” I turn to him, the remaining light revealing tones of blue in his greys. “You’re a smart woman, Johanna. I know you’ll find your way.”

He stands up and holds his hand out to me.  

“I’ll walk you to your car.” Taking his hand, we go to my car and I feel myself pulling him into my arms to give him a hug. Haymitch hesitates before finally wrapping his arms around me. “A peep-show and now a hug? I’m one lucky son-of-a-bitch.”

“Lucky?” I open the door and sit in the driver’s seat before smirking up at him. “Hardly.”

He meets my eyes and I don’t see an ounce of jest in them when he responds.

“More like extremely.”

++++++

**_Monday, February 4, 2013_ **

_Stanford Medical Center - Stanford, California_

“This is quite a chop shop you have here,” I say to Cato as we walk through the hospital floor.

“Nice to know that after five years on the hospital’s board and getting to head of the Pediatrics Department, you’ve still managed to reduce my workplace to a ‘chop-shop’,” he replies with an easy smile. “We aren’t all brave enough to travel the world like you are, Johanna.”

We walk into his office and as he closes the door behind us, I look over at the wall where his diplomas rest. Then I go to his bookcases where he keeps his photos and awards in-between medical journals, stopping when I spot a frame planted in the deeper part of his shelf.

It’s a photo of Katniss, Adina, and himself. Adina is about four in the photo and is grinning toothily at whoever is behind the camera. Besides her is Katniss, who is actually beaming at her daughter in the photo. Then there is Cato—his arm around Katniss as he looks at her with a bright smile.

I grab the photo from the shelf. “Can’t seem to get rid of this, can you?”

Cato’s face turns scarlet.

“It’s a nice photo,” he says after a moment and takes the photo from my hand. Walking over to his desk, he opens a drawer and places the photo inside. “How are they?”

“They’re in therapy because of you, fucker,” I tell him. “Well, Katniss and Peeta are.”

“Are they really there because of me?” I look over at him, trying to gauge his feelings. As much as I care about Cato, I love Katniss like she’s my blood. I can’t have him trying to take advantage of the situation.

Things are still so fragile between my friends but I can already see them falling in love again.

“No,” I finally reply. “Katniss still looks at Peeta like the sun shines out of his ass and vice-versa. It was the same way when we were teenagers. The two of them have issues that need to be fixed before they can move forward, though.” I sit on the couch by his desk. “She proposed to him, you know.”

He stands still for a moment and I watch him process my words before looking at me again.

“It’s as it’s supposed to be. What did he say?”

“He said that they were both fucked up and that’s how the therapy sessions started.”

Cato chuckles. “I don’t know him well, but I can’t help liking Peeta.”

“He’s just that kind of guy.” Cato sits down next to me. “But he does have a ring for her so… one day.”

“One day, he’ll have everything I want.”

I adjust myself on the couch and turn to him. “Are you still in love with Katniss?”

“I’m in love with the idea of her—the beautiful, smart, adoring wife,” Cato tells me, his eyes far-off. “I have that picture because it’s something to aspire to, I guess.”

“The picture was a fake,” I say to him. “Because you knew deep down that they never belonged to you.”

“I know.” Cato leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and his chin against his clasped hands. He looks over at me. “Why did we never give it a go?”

I snort. “Because you were making passes at Katniss while she was still with child.”

Not to mention I was still so hung up on Gale that the thought of another guy touching me made me cringe inside. He had been the only one who ever made me feel safe.

“Plus, you wouldn’t have been able to handle me. I was chock full of problems at the time.”  

“And now?” There’s a definite shift in the way he’s looking at me.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend, Cato?”

“We decided to call it off,” he replies. “I want something more.”            

“Don’t we all?” I find myself moving closer to him.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Cato stares into my eyes. “Why was it never us?”

I stand up and take a step towards him before sitting on his lap. I lean forward and kiss him. Cato responds after a moment and I let my tongue slide into his mouth as he places his hand behind the nape of my neck to deepen our kiss.

After a moment I pull away, sucking on his lower lip as I do.

“It’s because of that,” I tell him quietly. “I won’t lie—it was really good. Hot, in fact. I couldn’t give you more than that before and I can’t give you more than that now. You deserve more. All I’m good for is a few casual fucks.”

I laugh bitterly as I sit back next to him.

He squeezes my hand back and gives me a wry smile.

“No, Johanna. You deserve so much more. And whoever he is better look at you like the sun shines out of your ass.” Cato tries to maintain his serious countenance but the spell breaks, the tension in the room disappears and we are laughing loudly. “I have to say—that kiss was hot.”

“It was,” I reply through my laugher. “The sex would’ve been great.”

I turn to him again and Gale’s face flashes in my mind. I’ve betrayed him.

It’s so silly for me to suddenly develop a conscience, especially since I’ve been fucking him behind his wife’s back for months.

My laughter quickly morphs into sobs and I place my head in my hands.

“Johanna, you deserve more than you think.” Cato rubs my back soothingly. “If this guy isn’t giving it to you then you have to let him go, sweetheart.”

“I’ve tried! Don’t you think I’ve tried?”

And I am lying again.

I’ve never tried to give Gale up.

Because I don’t think I can.

++++++

**_Wednesday, February 13, 2013_ **

“You’d better let me borrow that top!”

Adina laughs as she opens the front door to her house. “How about we have joint custody of it?”

“Clever response,” I reply as we walk into the entryway. “Where are your parents?”

She shrugs as she places her shopping bags next to the stairs. “MOM? DAD?”  We’re met with only silence. “I guess they stepped out.”

I turn to her with wicked grin. “You don’t think they’re—“

“No!” She blushes brightly. “Don’t say it! I can’t relive that moment again.”

“Adina, they were just kissing,” I say though I’m trying to not to smile. “And sex is a natural process between two people who love one another.”

I’m even lying to Adina now. How pathetic.

“Plus, how do you think you got here, kiddo?”

“In a burst of fairy dust,” she replies with swish of her hand. “I’m going to put my things away, then maybe we can grab some dinner?”

I’m exhausted but I nod my head. “I’ll be in the den.”

My head is actually throbbing and as I walk in, I see the glow of the television in the dimly lit room. Lying across the couch asleep are Katniss and Peeta. He is laid out on his back as she curls up against him, her head on his chest. Peeta’s arm is wrapped around her shoulders.

I can’t help but smile. They really are beautiful together.

How lonely it is to not have someone to fall asleep against. It hits me that I can’t have that with Gale; I’m stuck in this endless circle of hidden meetings and whispered ‘I love you’s’.

“How was shopping?” My eyes meet Peeta’s, as he is now awake.

“Your daughter cleaned me out and made me buy _her_ a top that I wanted for myself,” I say as I sit in the loveseat. “It shows too much boob—you should take it away from her.”

He chuckles. “Adina knows her limits. She’s a lot smarter than we were at her age.”

“True that,” I respond in agreement and he snickers.

“Looks like the party has started without me,” Katniss says as slowly sits up, pushing her hair off her face. “Recovering from the flu sucks.”

“Fluids, dollface,” I advise her. “Lots of fluids.”

“I’m going to grab some water.” She looks at both of us. “Either of you want anything?”

I shake my head and so does Peeta. She steps out of the room, but not before giving him a quick kiss.

“You two are getting along nicely,” I remark and see two bright red spots form on his cheeks. Peeta looks so young, yet I can see that there is someone so much older deep within him. “Planning on proposing soon?”

He shrugs. “Not sure, but I’ll know when the time is right.” Peeta leans forward. “Did Katniss ever do anything for Valentine’s Day?”

I think back before replying, “When she was with Cato, they would go to dinner.” I smile at him. “You can definitely do better.” I rub my temples, feeling the pain in my head increase. “I think she would be happy just doing anything with you. She’s spent so much time taking care of Adina that romance really hasn’t been in the equation. With Cato, it was what she thought she should do.”

Peeta looks over at me. “You okay there?”

I wave him off. “I’m fine, just exhausted.” Sleep hasn’t come easy for me these past few days. I’ve been avoiding Gale’s phone calls—and his texts. I can’t talk to him because part of me wants to kill him and the other part wants to kiss him.

Either way, I lose.

“Can I ask you something?” Peeta nods. “I know that you lost people that you love.” I see his blue eyes grow heavy but continue. “How do you move on? How can you keep your heart open knowing that there’s a risk of getting hurt again?”

He sits back for a moment, contemplating my question before finally turning to me.

“You don’t know whether you’re going to get hurt or not,” he replies. “You just have to trust the other person not to hurt you and to be there if you fall.” Peeta looks at me, concerned. “I don’t know much about your situation but I have my suspicions. I think this person is a good person, but you know that it won’t last forever.”

I begin to feel the tears rise in my eyes and the heat grow on my cheeks.

Peeta takes my hand. “In the end, you’re the only one who is going to get hurt.” He suddenly reaches forward to feel my forehead. “Johanna—you’re burning up.”

I wave him off again. “I’ll just go lay down in my room.”

Standing up, I suddenly feel the ground move and I’m faintly aware of Peeta catching me before I fade out.

++++++

“For a doctor, you would think that she’d be aware that she was sick.”

It’s Thresh. He such a condescending asshole—just like any big brother would be.

“I think she just hasn’t been paying attention. There’s been something eating at her.”

It’s Katniss.

“Or someone eating her.” I hear him make some sort of slurping noise and I’m pretty sure that there is some sort of dirty hand gesture.

I’d laugh if I didn’t feel like shit.

“Seriously, Thresh? You and Jo-Jo hang around each other too much,” she responds, exasperated. Her hand is at my forehead and I feel her sit next to me on my bed. “This thing with Gale…”

“You know?”

“Who doesn’t?” I can feel her wipe the sweat on my neck. “Besides Madge, that is. I think based on Gale’s constant calls to Jo-Jo’s phone—she is going to know soon enough.”

I would usually feel happy at his concern, but I don’t.

Instead, something heavy settles in my chest as I fall asleep again.

++++++

**_Thursday, February 14, 2013_ **

When I feel a soft hand on my cheek, I open my eyes to see Katniss sitting next to me in bed.

I give her a smile as I look her over. “You look pretty.”

Katniss is in a gold cocktail dress with capped sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. Her hair is curled and clipped on one side while the rest settles on her shoulders.

My eyes look to the necklace against her collarbone. “Is that new?”

“This?” She lifts it up off her skin to show me. “It was Peeta’s Valentine’s present.” Opening it, she shows me the photos. “The one on the left is Peeta as a baby.”

I sit up and look at the other one, which is Adina’s baby picture.

“Wow, the resemblance is uncanny except for the hair. How did she manage to come out looking like him and grow up to look like you?”

“Very strange genetics.”

“From very strange parents.”

“Very funny. We’ll be home at midnight,” she informs me. “Adina is out with her girlfriends but she said to give her a call if you need anything—soup or anything like that.”

“So no vodka runs?”

Katniss ignores me. “She’ll be home at ten.”

“You should just stay out for the night,” I tell her. “Get a room in the city or something. I’ll be here with Adina, so you guys are free to go.” Katniss opens her mouth to protest. “You don’t need to watch over me. Plus, I’m sure you and Peeta want to do it without having to worry about waking anyone—and it beats having to go down on him in his car or something.”

“Jo-Jo!” I stick my tongue out at her and she laughs. “I’ll think about it.”

A knock on the door interrupts us and it opens, revealing Peeta in a dark grey suit, his blond hair brushed back and sporting a bright smile.

“Hey, ladies,” he says. “Sorry to bother you, but we have reservations—“

“No problem,” I tell him. “I was getting sick of her anyway. Go and have fun.” I look over at Katniss. “Remember what I said about going down in the car—“

“Jo…” She blushes but gives me a subtle nod to let me know that she’s decided. Walking over to Peeta, she turns back to me. “Get some rest.”

“I will,” I reply and then turn to Peeta. “You’re welcome.”

“What?”

“You’ll see.”

I give them a lazy wave and with a final smile, Katniss closes the door.

++++++

_“What's it gonna be 'cuz I can't pretend_   
_Don't you want to be more than friends_   
_Hold me tight and don't let go_   
_Don't let go…”_

I hate this song.

Turning off the kitchen radio, I check my phone as I pour myself a glass of wine that Peeta conveniently left chilling in the fridge. I’m sure they were going to drink this later. Since they’re not going to be coming home, I decide that a glass should be my reward for giving them the pleasure of uninterrupted sex.

I check my phone—not a single call or text from Gale.

Thresh is with Teddy—they’ve taken a trip down to Los Angeles with Rue, Prim and Rory to shop and of course, go clubbing. Annie and Finnick are on a babymoon in Monterey since she’s reached her sixth month and will soon have the waddle that all mothers get as the little one takes over their body.

I remember when Katniss was pregnant, and she was just beginning to feel Adina. It was amazing to know that she was bringing a little person into the world. Now this little person is almost a grown woman and going to school across the country.

And here I am, stuck in the same place. It’s a sobering thought.

My phone rings and I look to see who it is. I almost drop my wine glass—it’s Gale.

I pick up, “Hey.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he greets me. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” I reply. “You never came to see me.”

I’ve been in and out of it the last two days until the fever broke this morning. I do remember that Thresh and Teddy came, as did Finnick with some soup that Annie attempted to make for me. She couldn’t risk catching my flu with the baby and all.

Cato sent me a vase of flowers, a dark red bouquet of roses along with a note thanking me for ‘giving it a go’.

Both Katniss and Peeta raised their eyebrows at me after reading the card; I pleaded the fifth.

There was someone else who smelled of mint and aftershave—the cool touch of the hand on my forehead helped me fall asleep when my fever was at its worst.

But Gale never came.

“I couldn’t,” he says regretfully. Maybe it’s this second glass that I’m pouring but I find myself annoyed at this reasoning. “It would be suspicious. Madge—“

“You’re supposed to be my friend,” I tell him. “Friends should visit, too.” I can hear noise in the background. “Where are you?”

“We’re having dinner with Madge’s family—“

That’s when I lose it.

“So you’re calling me on Valentine’s Day with her family around. You can’t keep doing this to me!”

I burst into tears, my face against the phone, and I could care less whether or not it’s an inconvenience to him. Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but I can’t keep walking this endless circle alone. I need someone to pull me out of it and it’s either Gale or someone else.

Either way, I’m just done.

“Johanna, I’m so sorry. I’m trying—I really am.”

“There has to be a little more than the spark for me now,” I tell him through my tears. “I deserve someone who’s going to let me fall because they’re going to catch me. You can’t keep doing this to me. We can’t keep doing this to each other. You _have_ to make your choice and I have to make mine.”

“I know,” he tells me gruffly after a moment. I hear someone call his name—Madge. “Listen—“

“—you have to go. I know.”

Sighing, I hang up before I say something horrible.

The doorbell rings and I check my watch as I walk to the door. Adina probably left her keys here.

Wiping my eyes, I open it to see Haymitch in front of me.

“I liked it better when you answered the door with your top open.”

I open the door for him and he steps into the house, looking around.

“If it makes you feel better, I’m not wearing a bra under my tank top,” I respond and he turns to look at me in my grey pajama pants, black tank and blue robe. I try not to keep the heat from rising under his gaze. “What are you doing here?”

“I was in the neighborhood and wanted to make sure that you weren’t wallowing,” he replies. “I think I came too late, but I did bring you these.”

Haymitch goes to the coffee table in the living room and pulls out a white box from the paper bag. He reaches into both his pockets and pulls two Capri-Sun packets.

“You remembered _our_ drink,” I tell him with a smile and for a moment, I see hesitation in his eyes. “Come and sit with me.” I don’t want to drive him away, either—there are very few people in this world I can trust and he’s one of them. “What’s in the box?”

“Adina mentioned that you liked them.”

I open the box to see two red-velvet cupcakes from my favorite bakery in Noe Valley.

“We had a nice talk while she was watching you yesterday. She’s a real nice kid,” he remarks. “I can see a lot of her parents in her. I see a lot of you in her, too.” 

I poke a straw through the hole of the Capri-Sun packet and hand it to him. “Really?”

“That mouth,” he says with a soft laugh. “We argued over books. Apparently she’s not fond of ‘The Great Gatsby’. When she argues, Adina sounds like you. You hated Jane Austen.”

“Too much sentimentality,” I tell him. “I’m not a romantic.”

“She said that you were like a second mother to her.” He turns to me. “That’s really something.”

I meet his warm stare before I open the box on the table and hand him one of the cupcakes.

“You’ll like it,” I say as I hold it out to him.

“Just like Eve said to Adam.”

“I don’t think you can blame me for the downfall of Man.”

Haymitch takes the cupcake. “But you have caused men to fall.” The thought somehow brings tears to my eyes and he looks instantly regretful. “Oh shit, I did it again.”

I shake my head and wipe my eyes.

“It’s not that. I guess I’m tired of being the one who does that to them—the one who will ultimately hurt them,” I tell him. “I want to be the one who makes them better. I can start the fire in them, Haymitch, but I guess… I guess I want someone who will keep it going.”

I look up at him and he nods understandingly before putting an arm around me. I fall against him tiredly, my head on his shoulder.

“You’re going to find it one day,” he assures me. “Because just as sure as you can make them fall, you can also make a man want to rise up and be better.”

I close my eyes and listen to his gentle breathing. “Like who?”

He doesn’t respond, but kisses the top of my head.

I am between sleep and dreams. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Haymitch.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Johanna.”

++++++

**_Saturday, February 16, 2013_ **

I should’ve known something strange would happen today. The air was full of electricity and I knew something was coming as I looked out the window at the cloudy sky.

So when I heard the knock on Katniss’ front door and answered it, I found myself strangely calm seeing the person in front of me.

I take in the golden hair, silk cream skin and ocean blue eyes of Mrs. Gale Hawthorne. “Hello, Madge.”

“Hello, Johanna,” she responds in an even tone. “Can I come in?”

I widen the door and let her in. We both knew that this was going to happen eventually.

 

It’s time for me to stop lying.

* * *

 

Not too many notes --this chapter is ultimately the set-up for the entire arc. I estimate that there will be about six chapters in it.

I really love writing Johanna—she’s also my husband’s favorite character to read in this story.

Noe Valley is a neighborhood in San Francisco. Katniss’ house is also around this area.

Songs:  Don’t Let Go (Love)-En Vogue

Also, can anyone guess who the person was who smelled of mint and aftershave? I suspect that people have already figured it out…

Hellos, reviews, feedback on FF, AO3 and Tumblr are always welcome!

Next: Johanna ’97

Until then, JLaLa


	28. Chapter Twenty-Eight: 1997

Thanks for all your feedback, reviews and love for this story!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to my dear beta, Chelzie, who corrects my mistakes and beautifies my writing.

_“I gave you all of me_   
_How was I to know?_   
_You would weaken so easily…”_

_-Allure ft. 112 “All Cried Out” (1997)_

Again

Part Three, Chapter Twenty-Eight: 1997

**_Friday, June 20, 1997_ **

_“No change, I can change_   
_I can change, I can change_   
_But I'm here in my mold_   
_I am here in my mold_   
_And I'm a million different people…”_

“Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life…”  

Nothing beats doing go-backs and listening to The Verve.

Having a job during summer vacation really blows.

However, I need money for books and I’ve got to help out with groceries this pay period, so I’ve taken on an extra shift at The Wherehouse.

Not that I mind; it’s the least I can do while I’m staying with the Everdeens. Living with them is like having an actual family. I haven’t seen my mother in months and she isn’t exactly pounding on doors to find me since I send her some cash every once in a while.

Last I heard, what-his-name took off after I left and there’s a new someone hanging around the Mason joint.

I feel a chill run through me and take a deep breath before going back to retuning CD’s to their proper alphabetical order. “Wu-Tang…” I turn and nearly knock into someone’s chest. “Oh, sorry—“

“Missed you too, Johanna!” I look up to meet Cato’s bright blue eyes and pearly grin. “How’s it going?”

I give him a quick hug. “Oh, you know. Bringing in that cash money…” I look beside him and spot a dark-haired boy with a goatee wearing a worn-out Rolling Stones t-shirt and baggy jeans. “I think you brought in a stray.”

Cato turns to him and then to me. “Oh shit—sorry! This is my cousin, Seneca. He came up from Los Angeles because he’s thinking about transferring up here to get his Masters at Berkeley.”

I hold out my hand for him to shake. “I’m Johanna. Johanna Mason, Cato’s study partner.”

He shakes my hand and gives me a warm smile. “Seneca Crane.”

“My high school principal had the same last name—“

 “Oh, so you know my dad!” He smiles wryly at me. I look him over, remembering Principal Crane having a closer coloring to Cato, not to mention he was a lot stouter than the gangly boy before me. “Before you ask, I’m adopted. It’s what inspired me to get into genetics and Berkeley has a great department in my specific field, so here I am.”

I snort as I watch Cato shuffle through the R&B section. “Huh—“ I place the Wu-Tang Clan CD back in its place. “If I was related to Cato, I would question my genetics too.”

“Hey!” Cato scowls at me and I bite back a laugh. “I don’t talk crap about you…”

“No,” I respond and walk over to him to put away another CD—Luther Vandross. “You just crush on my housemate.”

“So you live with Katniss?” Seneca asks suddenly. Cato glares at his cousin like he just revealed a major secret.

God—like I didn’t already know that Cato has a major hard-on for Katniss.

He can barely talk if she’s around and Adina doesn’t seem to deter him either. He actually lights up seeing that little cherub face of hers.

But hell who doesn’t? My goddaughter is beautiful.

“Yeah, I live with Katniss and her daughter,” I inform Seneca. “And her father and her younger sister.”

“Wow—like in _Full House_ ,” he replies with an easy smile.  

“We’re a more fucked-up version of the Tanner Family.” I realize that I’ve run out of CD’s to put away. I look over at Cato. “So what did you want?”

“I’m having a party tomorrow night,” Cato says. “I’m inviting you, Thresh—“ He waves over at my best friend, who is ringing someone up. “And Katniss, if she can make it.”

“We’ll see,” I say. “We’re not the party-girl types. It’s kind of hard to be when we’re changing diapers and Katniss has to use a breast pump every few hours. I highly doubt that we’d fit in.” I look at Cato’s crestfallen face. Poor guy is really barking up the wrong tree. “I’ll try, but I can’t make promises.”

His mouth picks up. “Thanks, Johanna!”

I look over at Seneca. “Nice meeting you.”

“I hope I see you at the party,” he tells me with another smile before the two leave the store.

His smile seems so familiar—the crookedness and the hint of a smirk in it.

Then there’s that chill again.

His smile reminds me of Gale’s.

++++++

I wake up smelling something buttery—Katniss’ favorite pancakes and I felt the heaviness in my chest.

Slowly, I throw off my blankets and stretch before finally sitting up in my small twin bed.

I sleep in Mr. Everdeen’s old office; it’s cozy and actually has a small desk where I can study. He doesn’t ask for much either—just grocery money and help with the utilities.

Katniss is incredibly lucky to have him as a Dad. Sometimes I pretend like he’s mine, too.

It’s better than believing that my actual Dad is out there waiting for me—maybe he doesn’t even know that I exist.

Maybe it’s better that way.

I open the door and follow the scent into the kitchen. I find Prim and Mr. Everdeen sitting at the table, the pile of pancakes in the middle as they stare at it—their eyes heavy.

Katniss is having one of those days.

My eyes meet Mr. Everdeen’s and I give him a quick nod. “I’ll go talk to her.”

She gets like this every once in a while. The good thing is that these episodes are lessening.

When they happen, however, they hit hard.

I walk up the stairs quickly and knock on her door—no answer.

Opening it, I walk in and my eyes look over at her messy desk, a newspaper showing Timothy McVeigh on top of the pile of open notebooks, and I unfold it to see an old photo from the actual bombing—the one of the fireman holding the limp little girl.

It’s the same photo that inspired Peeta to become a photographer; it’s funny how simple things can become some large triggers.

I check on Adina in her crib against the opposite wall and she is fast asleep. Her hair is that rich darkness of Katniss’, but the slight wave is her father’s—so hauntingly like his that sometimes I can’t help but feel guilty for lying.

Finally, I look over at Katniss, who is curled up in her bed facing the wall. I can see that the baby monitor is right next to Adina—any slight whine and it will cause my friend to jump up from her current state of comatose.

I pick it up and put my mouth to it. “Wake up.”

“Go away, Jo-Jo,” she says in a quiet voice—I can hear the tears in her voice.

Putting the monitor back, I walk over to the bed and sit next to her. My hand goes to her back, rubbing small circles around the middle.

When I was kid and my mother actually acted like a mother, she would do this to help me sleep before going to work.

When I started sleeping at Gale’s, he would do this, too. Sometimes his warm hand would reach under my shirt to feel my bare skin. My mind briefly remembers the feeling of his rough palm against me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask her after a moment. “I saw the newspaper.”

“It’s really stupid.”

I lie down next to her and turn to pull her against me. “It’s not stupid if it makes you feel this way.”

“When will I stop feeling like this?” she asks and I swallow the lump in my throat, hearing the rawness in her voice. “Maybe I’ll never get better. The guilt will just eat away at me until I’m nothing but an empty shell of a person.”

She doesn’t understand the effect that her words have on me—I get that feeling of something eating away at you and the worry of having nothing left to give yourself or anyone around you.

“You made a decision,” I reply bluntly. “You have to stand by it—or you can just call him right now—“

“NO!” Her outburst hits me like a bullet. “You’re right; I made my decision so I have to deal with it. It’s just…”

“What?”

“I miss him. Is it okay to be sad because I miss him?”

I can’t help but sigh against her hair, letting a small smile creep onto my lips as I do.

In the end, Katniss is just a girl whose heart is broken, a just barely-there adult who misses her ex-boyfriend.

I know that feeling.

“Yes, you can miss him.”

She doesn’t reply but I can feel her relax against me and for now, I know that she is safe and sound from the terrors of her mind.

We remain in calm silence as I listen to the soft snore of my goddaughter.

Then a singular thought hits me and I’m sitting up quickly, cringing.

Katniss turns to look at me when I suddenly move, her face is slightly flush but her eyes are still a bit red from crying. “You okay?”

“I just realized something.”

“What?”

“You fucked Peeta in this bed, and as close as we are, the thought…” I put my head in my hands. “Just gross.”

She is suddenly sitting up and laughing at me. “You were the one who laid down!”

“Yes, to make you feel better!” I argue. “Please tell me that you’ve washed these sheets lately.”

“Bitch.” She is grinning though.

I smile back. “Proud of it—now get your ass up before I eat your pancakes.”

That night, I decide to ditch the party—I don’t even tell Katniss about it. We spend the evening taking turns holding Adina while watching _The Real World: Miami_ reruns.

Like I told Cato, I’m not that party girl anymore.

++++++

**_Wednesday, June 25, 1997_ **

I look through the grocery list as we walk down the store aisle and then turn to Katniss who is adjusting Adina in the carrier on her chest.

“So what’s up with the abundance of chicken breasts that we have to buy?”

“Portia was telling my Dad that it is the healthiest of the proteins so he’s stocking up,” she replies with a small smile. “They’ve been e-mailing each other.” Katniss throws Prim’s favorite cereal into the cart. “It’s harmless for now, but I think Prim is feeling a little jealous. She’s not quite ready to replace our mother yet.”

I hear the bitterness in her voice and put an arm around her. Mrs. Everdeen hasn’t contacted either of her daughters, but the divorce papers have been signed. As of two months ago, Mr. Everdeen has officially become a single father.

“Johanna?”

I turn and feel the blood drain my face.

Vick and Rory are rushing toward us from the other end of the aisle. I haven’t seen them since we all graduated and Gale took off for boot camp.

I give them a bright smile, trying to calm myself for Katniss’ sake. They don’t know anything about Adina and now would not be the time for them to go blurting it out to Gale.

Their eyes are suddenly fixed on Katniss and the small bundle against her chest.

“Hey, guys,” I greet them after a moment and their eyes look to me for an explanation. I look over at Katniss. “Why don’t you go get the chicken breasts and then meet me back here?”

She nods silently before turning to escape.

I look over at them. “For all our sakes, please keep quiet,” I tell them. “Please don’t tell Gale.”

Vick looks at me inquisitively. “It’s not his, is it?”

I shake my head, slightly insulted. “No, you know that we were together during our senior year!”

“Sorry,” he replies, his cheeks red. “Gale didn’t talk much about the break-up or why it happened. And the baby had dark hair…”

“Trust me, it’s not Gale’s, but he does know the father,” I inform the two. “I don’t know if they even talk to each other, but both of you have to promise that you won’t say anything.” I meet each of their eyes pleadingly. “Please?”

Rory and Vick look at one another, silently communicating with a single nod before turning to me.

“It’s none of our business,” Vick says after a moment. “So unless he asks directly, we have no reason to say anything.”

“We just spotted you and remembered how much fun we all had when you were with us,” Rory adds. “We’re supposed to see a Giants game together—remember?”

“I remember,” I reply and smile at both of them. I hold out my arms to them. “Come on and give me a hug!” They practically barrel towards me and I laugh at the boisterousness of it all as we pull away. “So you’ve gone and grown up—you doing okay?”

“We both go to Riordan,” Rory tells me. “How is Prim?” I see his cheeks warm up. “I haven’t seen her since we transferred.”

“I’m staying at the Everdeens now,” I inform them. “You should come over and see her, maybe you can bring—“

“JOHANNA!”

I turn to see Posy running towards me with Mrs. Hawthorne following slowly behind as she pushes their cart. Kneeling, I open up my arms and the little girl throws herself into them. I lift her easily and she wraps her legs around my waist.

“How are you, munchkin?” I kiss her cheek before placing her down back on her feet.

“Where have you been?” Posy asks and I see Gale’s eyes staring up at me. “You promised you would teach me how to braid my hair into a headband.”

“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I had to move so I’ve been busy and I started school.” I meet Mrs. Hawthorne’s eyes and give her a small smile. “Hello.”

She nods, giving me a tight-lipped smile. “Nice to see you again, Johanna.”

“Hey, Mom,” Rory suddenly says. “Johanna is staying at the Everdeens. Can Vick and I visit them one day after school?”

“I want to come!” Posy turns to her mother. “Can I go, too?”

“I don’t know if I have time to drop you off anytime this week—“

“We can take the bus over,” Vick tells her. “I promise we won’t stay late—I wanted to ask Johanna about the SAT’s. Gale told me that you got a great score—you were in the top seven percentile in your school, right?”

“Actually, Johanna was in the top seven percentile--in the county.” Katniss returns with large packet of chicken breasts and a wide-awake Adina; she gives everyone a tense smile. “Hey, Posy. Hey, Mrs. Hawthorne.”

Posy points to Adina. “Who’s that?”

I go to Katniss and lift Adina from her holder. “This is my goddaughter, Adina.” Posy reaches out to touch Adina’s hand and the little one swings her hand over to make contact with Gale’s sister. “I think she likes you.”

Posy looks at her in awe. “She’s really cute.”

I look over at Mrs. Hawthorne wondering what she’s thinking, but something tells me that she’s known about Adina for a while. The fact that Gale hasn’t come rushing back already says a lot—she has kept Katniss’ secret.

“So can we go, Mom?” Rory asks eagerly.

“I’m working tomorrow,” I inform them. “But if you want to come the day after that—I’ll be babysitting Adina while Katniss goes to class.” I look over at Mrs. Hawthorne. “With your Mom’s permission, of course.”

She nods slowly. “Sure, but not too long and don’t cause a bother.”

“We’d better go, Johanna,” Katniss says. “I have to feed Adina and put her down for a nap.”

I nod and then smile at the kids. “I’ll see you on Friday.” I meet Mrs. Hawthorne’s eyes again. “Thanks.”

++++++

“You didn’t show up.”

I look up to see Seneca at my register and I pick up the CD that he’s placed in front of me.

“Fun Lovin’ Criminals, huh?” 

“I meant to pick this up sooner but I’ve been busy,” he replies as he hands me his credit card. “So why didn’t you show up?”

“Like I told Cato,” I say as I ring him up. “I’m not really a party girl and neither is Katniss. We’re practically raising a child together.” Handing him a pen and the receipt for him to sign, I reach under the counter to put his CD in a bag. “Why do you care anyway? Aren’t you a little too old to be hanging out at some undergrad party?”

“Cato spent most of that night moping,” he replies. “Felt kind of bad for him.”

“Here’s the thing—Katniss has other things to take care of,” I say. It’s a slow day and there’s no one around. Jay, Thresh’s boyfriend, is the supervisor on my shift so he won’t care if I’m talking to a customer at the register. “Dating isn’t a priority for her and I don’t think it will be for a long time. If he thinks he can wait that long…”

“And what about you?” Seneca asks me. “What are your priorities?”

I pause for a moment, leaning against the counter as I do. “I never really thought about it. I guess I’m too busy to really sit down and think about it.”

“Are you too busy to have dinner with me?”

I look up at him. “Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“I mean—why do you want to have dinner with me?” I make my way around the counter, stopping in front of him. “Whatever you might have heard about me during that party isn’t true.” I know that there were probably kids from my high school at the party—a lot of them live in the same building as Cato’s dorm.

“I didn’t hear anything,” he replies firmly. “You’re interesting, I think you’re fun to talk to, and I like your smirk.”

I shake my head. “Doesn’t sound like a good idea—I mean, you’re nice and you have a good taste in music, but…no.”

“How about this? I’ll come to your place around seven on Saturday to see if you’re hungry or not. That doesn’t sound too bad, does it?”

“Are you sure that you’re not related to Cato? Both of you are really persistent—cut from the same cloth.”

His eyes meet mine and I find myself meeting his gaze. “I just know what I want, Johanna. If there’s anything you need to learn quickly in life, it’s to know what you want. No one is going to be able to point you in that direction but yourself.”

I put my hands on my hips trying to school my features under his stare. “And if you don’t know yourself?”

“Then you let someone take you to dinner so you’re full enough to figure it out.”

++++++

**_Friday, June 27, 1997_ **

“Here are some of my old prep books.” I place the stack on the coffee table for Rory as we sit on the couch. “There are some good pre-tests in this one.” I lift the top book for him. “There’s nothing to worry about—the test is straightforward. It’s just important to look over all of the things you’ve learned this year and last.”

“Thanks, Johanna,” Vick says gratefully and he looks downcast when he turns to me again. “I should be able to ask Gale about this kind of thing, but he’s busy—too busy to call sometimes. He hasn’t been himself for a long time, even more so since you two separated.”

“I’m sorry,” I find myself saying. “There were a lot of things happening last year—“ Adina lets out a small cry from her bassinet and I rush over to pick her up. “As I’m sure you can see. I wish I had kept in better in touch with all of you.”

“We don’t blame you,” he tells me. “Rory and I aren’t deaf; we heard everything Mom said to Gale.”

I bite my lip to stop the tears. “Well, he didn’t have to listen.”

“Johanna?” We turn to see Posy standing next to the couch. “Prim said I can use any color hair tie I want.” She holds out a rainbow for me to look at. “Which one do you think would be nice?”

I shift Adina in my arms as I look them over. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Green.”

“Then the neon green,” I tell her.

“I can take Adina,” Prim says as she walks into the living room with Rory in tow. They had been talking in the kitchen over the peanut butter cookies that Prim had made for him. “Can I turn on the TV?”

“Go ahead.” I beckon Posy to me after Prim takes Adina. “I have to braid Posy’s hair anyway.”

Prim sits next to me with Adina in her lap and Rory turns on the television before sitting by Prim’s feet. I begin to comb out Posy’s hair as Vick looks over the prep books.

I look up briefly at the television to see a teenage girl looking back at me as cameras flash around her. “Who’s that?”

Vick looks up from his book and glances at the television, his eyes suddenly troubled when he sees what I’m looking at. “That’s the ‘Prom Mom’.”

“Prom Mom?”

“She gave birth in the bathroom during her prom night and dumped the baby in a garbage can,” Rory says, his eyes downcast. “Then she went back to attending her prom—a janitor found the body.”

“Even worse—the baby was alive when it was born,” Vick tells me.

I can see Prim hold Adina closer to her.

We all are thinking the same thing; no one knew Katniss was pregnant during our prom.

So as implausible as this story sounded—it definitely wasn’t impossible.

“Katniss is really strong, you know,” Vick says suddenly. “It’s not easy to balance school plus raising a baby. She’s really lucky to have you and her family. Could you imagine having to face all of this alone?”

“I can definitely see what _could_ happen if you had to face it alone,” I reply quietly.

I go back to working on Posy’s hair, haunted by the eyes of the girl on our television screen.

++++++

_“I don't know what, they want from me_   
_It's like the mo’ money we come across_   
_The mo’ problems we see…”_

I turn down the radio on the kitchen counter and sit back down at the table. Across from me are Thresh, who is eating a sandwich, and Katniss, cradling Adina in one arm while highlighting notes in her statistics books.

“I can’t concentrate with that on,” I say and go back to my physiology notes.

“You’re so testy,” Thresh remarks. “When was the last time you got felt up?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Language, children,” Katniss says without even looking up from her book. “We have a baby in the room.”

“She doesn’t even know where her nose is,” I respond before going back to my notes.

I’m so engrossed in the endocrine system that it takes me a full minute to hear Prim calling my name from the doorway.

I don’t even glance up from my crudely drawn diagram. “What’s up, Prim?”

“Are you hungry?”

I look up to see Seneca at the kitchen doorway as Prim goes back to the living room.

Smacking my forehead, I close my book. “Oh shit, was that tonight?” He nods with an amused smile. “I’m a little busy at the moment—“

“Can you excuse us for a moment?” Thresh suddenly asks him.

“I’ll just wait by the front door.”

As soon as Seneca is gone, Thresh turns to me. “You’re going—that boy is fine as hell.”

I put my pencil down. “Are you kidding?”

“No, I’m not kidding.” Thresh looks at me incredulously. “He came all the way here to see if you were hungry. Why not take him up on the offer?”

“Because I’m not ready,” I respond. “Later, he’ll want something in return.”

“We’re not in high school,” Katniss says quietly as she rubs Adina’s back. “Not everyone thinks that you’re—you know.” She doesn’t want to acknowledge that I had left high school with the reputation as the so-called school slut. “So why do you still believe it?”

I look up at her, trying to form my words as Gale’s face flashes in my mind.

I believe it sometimes because he did.

Katniss is still staring at me as these thoughts process in my mind.

“It’s just dinner,” she tells me after a moment. “Not everyone is out to get you.”

“You should tell yourself that,” I respond.

“I’m trying.”

“We all are,” Thresh adds. “So be the one to take the first step, Johanna. For all of us.”

++++++

“So I’m deducing that you don’t think I’m a psycho.”

“I don’t know,” I tell Seneca as we walk down the pier. It’s a still night so the water is smooth, and the light of the moon reflects against the water. “You just used the word ‘deducing.’”

Seneca gives me that familiar crooked smile and I try to push _his_ face from my mind.

As I discovered tonight, Seneca and Gale are two very different men. Gale is the brooding type, preferring privacy; we rarely went out on dates. Seneca took me to a restaurant in the busy part of Berkeley where we spent most of the time people watching—it felt strange to be out of my little bubble.

I’m more sheltered than I thought.

After dinner, we decided to take a walk and his Honda Civic steered its way back to the city and to the long pier that stretches out into San Francisco Bay.

To our right is the Bay Bridge, and to the left is the Port of San Francisco, along with the Ferry Building. It’s warm, so there are a few other people walking on the pier, most of them couples.

I smile back, trying to calm my nervousness. “So what do you want to do with this degree of yours?”

“Like I said,” he tells me. “I want to be a geneticist and eventually get into genetic counseling.”

“Genetic counseling?”

“I told you I was adopted, right?” Seneca puts his hands in his pockets and zips his jacket as we walk. “I don’t know who I am—I have the name my adopted father gave me and it’s _his_ name. Other than that, I’m just a blank canvas—I guess I feel like if I get into something like this, I might just know a little something about my biological parents.”

“That’s a little odd.” We sit down on a bench that overlooks the bridge. “What if you find out that you’re destined to die at like forty or something because of some rare genetic disease?”

“Then I’ll know one of them died when they were forty or around that age,” he responds easily. “And I’ll know why. Maybe I could cure myself and it won’t feel so bad knowing that they didn’t intend to abandon me.”

I meet his forlorn eyes. “We’re all searching for something, aren’t we?”

Seneca sighs before turning to me. “So what about you?” He leans back against the seat. “What are you searching for?”

I think for a moment before answering, “Hope.”

“Hope?”

“I just want to know whether or not it exists.” I look out at the water before me. “Or maybe I should just save myself the drama and jump off this pier,” I continue as the heaviness sinks into my chest.

Seneca places his hand over mine; I don’t pull away. I actually find it comforting to feel the warmth of someone against me.

“I happen to think we can create our own hope instead of looking for a higher place or power to give us proof,” he says softly.

I look over at him, admiring his strong profile. “How would we do that?”

“You accept yourself—the good and the bad,” he replies and my fingers reach out to intertwine themselves between his. “We forget about ourselves sometimes; we never ask ourselves what we want—what would make us happy.”

I feel him press closer to me and I’m not afraid—not like before. Instead, I am throbbing—it is this hunger long contained inside myself. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to act like there wasn’t this longing or desire pulsating through me. Why should I hide it now?

I know I’m so much more than that.

I’m Johanna Mason. I’m a fighter and I’ve never been one to stop myself from getting what I want.

I reach forward, caressing his chin and I see it now—the power that I have over men. I often saw it as my weakness, but maybe that’s because people told me it was wrong.

Seneca reaches to cup my cheek and I can see the nervousness in his eyes. “Can I kiss you?”

I feel my heart pounding and I’m breathless.

It’s the first time in quite a while that I’ve felt this longing.

So after a moment, I press my forehead against his, feeling his warm breath against my mouth as I answer him.

“Yes.”

++++++

**_Monday, June 30, 1997_ **

I’m not really sure why I’m here. She’s probably not even home.

Maybe it’s Seneca’s words that are haunting me.

He’s created a passion from something that’s affected him deeply—his search to know a semblance of the people who created him.

Parts of me feel empty and maybe she can help me understand.  After all, she’s my mother.

Getting out of Katniss’ car, I walk up the steps of my old building and go to my apartment door.

Taking a deep breath, I knock loudly. Knowing my mother, she might be too boozed up to even hear the pounding on the door.

Nothing.

I knock harder. “MOM?”

“There’s no one living there.”

I turn to see a tanned woman with a tight grey bun walking towards me with a laundry basket against her hip.

“How long?”

“About a month, I think,” she recounts. “There was a woman who lived there but we hardly saw her—unless she was being dragged in by some guy.” I feel my insides freeze and my face numbs. “You’re her daughter?”

I nod, still in shock.

“You have the same eyes except yours aren’t as bloodshot.”

“Do you know if she left any forwarding information?” I ask her.

“Not that I know of,” she replies. “You might want to contact the landlord though.”

“Thanks.” I turn and walk down the steps of the apartment building before the hot, bitter tears can fall from my eyes.

I know my mother—she probably didn’t even bother to tell the landlord that she was vacating.

I mean, she didn’t even bother to tell her own fucking daughter that she was taking off.

++++++

When Katniss enters my room, she doesn’t have to say a word.

One look from me and she is crawling onto my bed, pulling me into her arms.

The tears erupt from within me and I’m sobbing loudly into her chest as she rocks back and forth. She knows what I need, the comfort only a mother could give—that feeling of safety and protection from the outside world.

My mother never protected me.

“It’s okay,” Katniss whispers into my hair. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

“She just left,” I weep. “What did I expect? She never cared enough to see that I was there—to see what was happening.” I meet my best friend’s eyes. ”She didn’t bother to protect me.”

Katniss puts her warm hands on my face to brush my tears aside. I feel so small, so hopeless, and so broken that I can’t even breathe.

“I will protect you.” She pushes my hair from my face. “Trust me. I know how it feels to be thrown into the world without any armor.”

“Does it get better?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know, Jo-Jo. I’ve been trying to figure it out myself.”

For a long time, Katniss and I are silent.

I listen to her soft humming and my eyes grow tired. Soon my head is resting against her lap and she’s running her fingers through my hair.

My mother used to do this. But she’s not here anymore.

“Katniss?”

“Hmm?”

“We’ll protect each other,” I tell her. I don’t need to explain and she doesn’t need to ask.

Instead, Katniss continues to run her hands through my hair until I fall into a peaceful slumber.

* * *

 

So this is kind of a blurb into what’s going with Johanna. You can see that though she is moving on—there is still something in her that is definitely hurt by Gale’s words.

I’ve thrown out a lot of what people might’ve thought Johanna was and wanted to showcase her other attributes—friend, partner in the Everdeen house, godmother, a VERY smart person and someone just beginning to discover her femininity and sexuality.

As my husband says, this is more of a character study.

While she might not be the Johanna you’re used to—I liked writing her in this very different light.

Some notes:

_Full House_ is an American sitcom running from 1987 to 1995. It is about Danny Tanner (Bob Saget), a recently widowed father of three daughters, who enlists the help of his brother-in-law Jesse (John Stamos) and best friend Joey (Dave Coulier) to help him run his house as well as raise the three girls, Donna Jo aka “DJ”, Stephanie and Michelle (Candice Cameron, Jodie Sweetin, and twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen).

On June 2, 1997, Timothy McVeigh was found guilty of the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing which killed 168 people. The picture in the paper is the Charles Porter’s photo of firefighter Chris Fields holding infant Baylee Almon, who later died.

Fun Lovin’ Criminals are hip-hop/alternative rock group from New York. Their first few albums came out in the 90’s but they didn’t hit mainstream until the 2000’s.

Melissa Drexler, “The Prom Mom”, was an 18-year-old who went into labor during her prom on June 7, 1997 and later gave birth to an infant boy in their women’s bathroom. After cutting the baby’s umbilical cord with the serrated edge of the sanitary napkin holders, she then wrapped the baby in several trash bags before throwing the bag away. She then went back to attending her prom.

The baby was alive, as there were attempts to resuscitate the baby boy for almost two hours.

Songs:

“Bittersweet Symphony”-The Verve

“Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems”-Notorious B.I.G. featuring Mase and Puff Daddy

Greetings, feedback and reviews always welcome on Tumblr, AO3 and FFN.

Next: Gale-2013, this is going to be a kicker.

Till then, JLaLa


	29. Chapter Twenty-Nine: 2013

 

Thank you to everyone hanging in there and reading! It is much appreciated!

Now for a little Gale—who is quite complicated.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for hanging in there and fixing these babies up.

_Stuck to a chair_   
_Watchin' this story about me_   
_Everything goes by so fast_   
_Making my head spin…_

_-Lit “Miserable” (1999)_

Again

Part Three, Chapter Twenty-Nine: 2013

**_Friday, February 1, 2013 5:00PM_ **

I’m stuck.

Still sitting on the bed that I made love to Johanna on, I look at the watch that Madge gave me for our wedding anniversary. For a moment, I see her golden face in the reflection of its glass—and the guilt washes over me.

How did I get to this point? While I love Madge, I find myself longing for Johanna.

I close my eyes and can feel my arms around Johanna as we lay in the small bed at my childhood home. My mind wanders to those small moments of feeling her bare back pressed to my chest as we listened for the sounds of my younger brothers and Posy waking up just so that we could sneak in one last kiss before getting up for the day.

I long for the time that it was just—us.

This isn’t how it was supposed to go. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to be.

Madge and I are good.

Yes, I’ll admit that we’ve had our setbacks, but that doesn’t stop her from waking me up every day with her soft lips. I open my eyes to her beautiful clear blues and find myself reaching to pull her on top of me—letting her ride me slowly into completion.

And I close my eyes every night ready to hear Johanna’s tight moans as she comes apart in my dreams.

I know it will happen eventually. My past and present will intertwine. I’ll have to choose.

How can I let either of them go?

Like I said, I’m stuck.

++++++

I rush down the stairs at hearing the doorbell and check my watch. It’s still early.

Maybe Johanna decided to stay a little longer.

Madge won’t be back for another hour or two since she is visiting her brother in the city. Neither will Finnick or Annie, since they are with Annie’s parents.

I told my wife that I had some errands to run and also needed to talk to the contractor working on our home in Tacoma about some more construction updates. That’s how I managed to get us to stay around a little longer. I told her the home we are slowly preparing for a family is not quite ready.

The truth is that the house has been finished for nearly a month.

It was Johanna’s coy smile and her bruising kiss that had me telling Madge that we needed to stay longer.

She accepted it willingly, especially since she gets to watch Annie’s belly grow larger with child. Madge believes that their luck will spread to us and that maybe, by being here, it will get me a little more excited about having a baby.

I’m still not sure how I feel about this.

When I open the front door, I’m surprised to find Haymitch in front of me—his eyes are serious.

“Can we talk?”

I nod and he walks in quickly. Looking out, I can see that Johanna’s car is already gone.

Haymitch must have seen her leave, and judging by the look he is giving me, she must have been unhappy. We fought earlier about my jealousy and her sharpness, which was followed by her reminder that she did not belong to me.  

And that I belonged to Madge.

“What’s up?” I ask the man in front of me, trying to keep my cool.

“It’s about Johanna,” Haymitch tells me. “I won’t pretend that I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but this can’t go on forever. You’re hurting her.”

“I don’t think it’s any of your business,” I reply. “We’re adults and we’ve made our decisions—“

“CUT THE CRAP!” His eyes, dark with fury, bore into me and I can feel my own temper flare. “This isn’t about making decisions—it’s about hurting the people you supposedly love and care about! You can’t play around.” Haymitch stops for a moment and I can see his hesitancy —he knows that he’s pushing his boundaries. “This is about playing with Jo—with someone’s heart.”

I see it then.

That longing—the soft light in his eyes at even the mention of _her_ — and I feel that hot sting of jealousy.

My next words come out suddenly and bitingly. “Why do you care so much, Haymitch?” I find myself face to face with him. “Why do you seem to care a little bit more about Johanna’s well-being than the rest of us? What makes her so special?”

“I don’t know,” he replies through clenched teeth. “You tell me.”

I don’t respond, knowing that I will be giving him more information than I want him to know.  

I also keep quiet because deep down, other than the feel of her against me as we move—I know nothing about the person she is now.

Haymitch knows this and he despises me for it.

He takes a deep breath after a moment and his tightly-wound stance relaxes as his eyes meet mine again.

“She deserves better than this,” he finally tells me.

What he actually means is that she deserves better than me.

“Grow the fuck up, Gale.”

++++++

**_Wednesday, February 6, 2013_ **

“FUCK!”

My eyes open hearing the sudden expletive come of Madge’s mouth.

I sit up slowly, leaving the warmth of our bed to go to her. I can hear her shuffling in the bathroom. Other than the master bedroom that Annie and Finnick share, we have the only other private bath in the house.

Pushing the slightly open door, I find her standing in-between the dual sinks—her hands gripping the edge of the marble countertops. She doesn’t even look up at the sound of my soft steps and as I approach her, I see the reason for the sudden cursing from my usually calm wife.

Next to her right hand is a pregnancy test—and once again, it’s negative.

“I was so sure that this was it,” she whispered, still looking down at the counter. “I was positive.”

Madge, in a fit of fury, suddenly grabs the little plastic stick and throws it to the ground.  She starts sobbing, her shoulders sinking further into her back as she shakes.

“My Madge.” My arms wrap around her waist and I kiss the side of her head. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

“I fail you all the time and it kills me,” she says, her eyes still on the counter. “I just want to make us complete—to be a family.”

My heart clenches hearing the pain in her voice. I know that I am far from the ideal husband, but Madge is perfect. So perfect that I wonder half the time why she even bothers with someone like me—a shell of a man with nothing to offer but strong arms and half-hearted kisses.

I turn her so that she is facing me and lift her chin; Madge’s shining eyes remind me of sunlight hitting the water, but they are so heavy with sadness that I feel my own chin begin to shake.

“I am complete with you,” I tell her. “Because no one is ever going to love me like you do.” I lift her light body so that she is sitting on the counter. “No one is going to sing me those silly show tunes to wake me up. Or make me half-burnt pancakes.”

“Half-burnt is better than fully burnt,” Madge counters with a small grin and I can feel my lips lift into a smile remembering my early attempts at husbandly duties. “You will never be a good cook, Gale Hawthorne.”

“I need you to teach me, Madge Hawthorne,” I reply and her eyes brighten at the sound of her married name. After all these years, she is still excited to be _my_ Mrs. Hawthorne. “I need you to teach me a lot of things.”

It is the flutter of her long, dark lashes that have me pressing against her soft body. Her long legs wrap around my waist, her ankles locking as her heels push into my lower back. Wearing my oversized pajama shirt, the top gapes open, giving me a clear view of her full breasts.

“What should I teach you?” she asks as her lips brush mine lightly and I shiver hearing how her suddenly bright voice has gone low with want. “What should I teach you that you don’t already know?”

“Teach me how to make you scream my name,” I whisper and my mouth is against her neck.

Madge gasps at the sensation and I’m achingly hard for her. “You already know how to do that.”

She lifts her hips to remove her panties and my hand joins hers as we toss them to the bathroom floor. Then she is reaching to move to my pajama pants, undoing the lazy knot that’s holding them up.

“I guess I do—in bed, in the car, on a kitchen table.” I line myself up to her waiting heat and groan as I push myself into her. “But never against a bathroom counter.”

“This could be an all-day lesson,” she remarks as we move.

The sensation of being inside her makes me forget about the dark, haunting eyes of the past.

My lips find my Madge’s and I am gasping for her kiss. “We have time.”

My free arm slams the bathroom door shut.

++++++

**_Wednesday, February 13, 2013_ **

“My mom is driving me up the wall with this baby shower.” Annie joins Madge and me as we sit at the kitchen table finishing lunch. She is getting bigger and I jump out of my seat to help her sit in the chair at the head of the table.  Annie gives me a grateful smile as she adjusts herself. “Thanks, doll.”

“She’s excited,” Madge replies as she sips her iced tea. “It’s her first grandbaby.”

“This will be her last,” our friend says to us. “Finnick and I don’t want any more children after Maggie.” They had only recently confirmed that their baby is a girl and she will be named after Finnick’s mother.

Madge looks at her in shock. “Why?”

“Finnick and I are happy with just her. Also, we’re both only children and liked it that way.” She laughs at my wife’s face. “Honestly, I don’t think we could deal with so many children. We’re all not going to be ‘Super Parents’ like you! The two of you can handle a boatload of children because you’re used to big families.”

I take Madge’s hand. “She’s right, you know. Only you can turn a mess into an organized mess—look at me.”

“You’re not a mess,” my wife declares sweetly. “If anything, you’re _my_ mess.”

Finnick enters the kitchen and grabs his keys from the counter. “Well, I’m off.” He goes to Annie and kisses the top of her head. “Do you need anything while I’m in the city?”

“A mango green tea and some tortilla chips—oh and some chocolate gummy bears,” she tells him. “Also, I made soup for Johanna.” She points to the Tupperware on the counter that looks slightly green. “Tell Katniss to heat it up—wait, tell Peeta to do it.” Annie turns to us. “We all know that Katniss can’t cook.”

My ears suddenly perk up at hearing Johanna’s name. “What’s wrong with Johanna?”

“Didn’t you hear?” Finnick says as he opens the Tupperware and grimaces. “Anyway, I talked to Thresh this morning and he told me that Johanna passed out last night. Turns out she caught the flu that Katniss had and was walking around the city with Adina yesterday, totally unaware of it.”

“That’s so Johanna,” Annie says. “She’s a doctor, but doesn’t bother to focus on her own health.”

“Tell her we’re thinking about her,” Madge tells him.

“I’m sure she’ll be fine,” Finnick assures her. “Haymitch has been there since this morning apparently—came as soon as he heard. He and Adina spent the morning arguing about books while watching Johanna.”

“That’s really nice of him,” I say slowly. My mouth feels gummy as I speak—I hope I don’t sound like it.

“Cato sent her roses,” he continues. “I don’t even know what that’s about.”

“Johanna has that air about her,” Annie adds. “Always has—there’s something that just draws them in. She has that confidence in her and with everything she’s accomplished, I’m not surprised that they’re lining up at her door.”

“It’s the eyes,” I find myself saying unexpectedly. “Johanna has always had that look in her eyes.” I’m back to those mornings in my small bed. “It’s like she knows something that everyone else doesn’t and you want to be the one that she tells it to.”

Turning to look at Madge, I see that the lightness in her eyes has suddenly vanished. I nervously take a sip from the cup next to me.

“I’m taking off,” Finnick tells us, breaking the awkward silence of the room. “See you later.”

He kisses Annie once more and disappears from the kitchen with the Tupperware in his hand.

Madge stands up quickly. “I’m going to shower and I promised my mom that I’d take her shopping.” She looks over at me, her eyes expressionless. “Will you need the car?”

I shake my head. “Take it—I’m not going anywhere.”

She nods before disappearing from the room.

“You suck at keeping secrets.” I turn to see Annie staring at me and find myself squirming under her stare. “I know what you do when we’re not around, Gale.” She looks over at the doorway before looking at me again. “I’ve known longer than anyone. I think everything is slowly unraveling—more of us are finding out.”

“So why don’t you just tell everyone?” I ask her softly, almost daringly.

“Because we’re not little high-schoolers caught up in the drama anymore,” Annie declares, resting her hand on her belly to emphasize her point. “We’re adults and you need to handle this situation before you hurt the one person who thinks the world of you.”

She places her hand over mine. “There’s a good man in you, Gale—grow up and make your choice.”

Her gaze isn’t angry or sad—I can take that.

It is the look of calm acceptance that makes my eyes burn.

“I don’t think I can.”

++++++

**_Thursday, February 14, 2013_ **

“It's the hard-knock life for us…it's the hard-knock life for us…”

Madge’s mouth is against my ear as I awaken and I turn so our lips meet.

Pulling away, I reach over to move a tendril of her blonde hair behind her ear. Her hair is like sunshine—one of my favorite memories is waking up the day after our wedding and seeing her long hair flowing down her bare back.

It was almost like she wasn’t real.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” I greet her softly.

She looks at me in mock-shock. “You remembered?”

Pulling a small box from under my pillow, I turn and give it to her. “I guess that’s why I have this crick in my neck.”

Opening it, she pulls out a pair of keys and turns to me. “What the hell?”

I laugh at her sudden outburst. “The house is done.”

I’ve decided.

Everyone keeps telling me to make my choice.

I should—I might as well.

“So we’re going home?” she asks and I can see the relief in her eyes.

I swallow the nervous lump in my throat as an intense pair of dark eyes suddenly sweeps through my mind.

I tried to call her last night, but she was so out of it—I’m sure that Katniss didn’t want me talking to her, either. Thresh finally answered after my fifth text and told me that she was asleep. Her fever had spiked but she had gotten through it with some help.

“Yes,” I finally manage to say but the thought has me suddenly dizzy.

Why am I feeling this? I know that this is the right choice.

Madge is suddenly wrapping her arms around my neck and straddling me all at once.

“It’s going to be okay,” she whispers and I swear I hear tears in her voice.

I pull away curiously. “What do you mean?”

She shakes her head and gives me a soft smile. “A new beginning. We’ve been through a lot—and hit a bad patch, that’s all.” Madge is pulling me into her arms again. “You’ve given me the best gift. I feel like we have ‘us’ back.”

“I was always here,” I tell her.

Madge looks down before she meets my eyes again. “I don’t think either of us was for a while. I’ve been so preoccupied with this whole baby thing—and you’ve been in this funk. There’s also been a lot of drama going on.”

I laugh in spite of the situation. “Drama—yes, there’s been a lot of that.”

She takes my hand. “Now we can focus on us,” Madge states and I see the strength in her eye —the strength that I lack in myself. “That’s what I want more than anything.”

I kiss her and her hands reach to pull my shirt over my head.

I surrender to her—her taste, her smell and her touch because I want to give her all of me.

Madge deserves that.

She is my redemption.

++++++

_Sonoma, California_

“Are you bored?” Madge asks as we walk through the garden of her parents’ home. “I know this isn’t how you wanted to spend Valentine’s Day.”

“You know how I wanted to really spend it—I think we had a good beginning to it this morning,” I reply and put an arm around her. “We still have later on.”

“If it makes you feel better, this is the last Valentine’s Day in a while that we’ll have with them.” She looks over at the floor to ceiling windows where we can see her parents and my mother chatting in the Cartwrights’ living room.

Rory is in Los Angeles with Prim while Vick is taking out his latest conquest.

I spot Posy in a far-off corner of the yard—a cigarette between her fingers. My mother had guilt-tripped her into coming with us, though I know my sister probably has something planned for later on.

I take a deep breath and turn to Madge. “She probably shouldn’t be doing that out here,” I say. “I’m going to talk to her.”

Madge looks over at my sister and nods. “I understand—she probably didn’t want to be here. Stuck with her parents, us, and soon, the rest of my family.” We’re expecting Madge’s brother and his family to arrive at any moment. “Go talk to her and I’ll make sure the parents don’t notice.”

“Thanks.” Madge disappears into the house and I walk to my little sister. Her dark hair is tied in a pony-tail and for a second, I think I’m seeing Johanna. It would make sense—she’s practically Posy’s mentor.

I sit next to her. “How’s it going?”

“It would be better if I had some wine to go with this cigarette,” she replies and turns to me. “So you’re really taking off?”

I nod. “It would seem.”

She hands me the cigarette so I can take a drag.

“You don’t sound so sure, big brother.” Posy takes the cigarette back from me. “You’d better get everything straightened out before you leave.” She looks out at the yard. “Wouldn’t want you taking off and not bothering to check in with us again.”

“I said I was sorry.”

“Sorry just doesn’t make up for abandoning us,” she snaps back.

The mouth on her sometimes.

“Fuck, Posy!” I take the cigarette from her and throw it to the ground. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to stop hurting people,” she replies bluntly. “I bet you didn’t even call Johanna to check on her. Everyone knows that you’re fucking her.” Posy looks at me challengingly, almost mockingly. “I’m willing to bet that even pretty little Madge knows that you’re reaming your ex—“

“Don’t talk about her like that!”

“Which _her_ are you referring to: Johanna or Madge?” I stop in place. Posy places a hand on my shoulder. “Listen. I love you, Gale, despite all the fucked-up things you have done and are doing. You have to make peace though, one way or another. You can’t start fresh with Madge if you’ve got Johanna on your mind—and maybe in other places.”

The burning in my eyes starts again. “I know,” I reply begrudgingly and take a deep breath. “Can you give me a moment?”

Posy nods and slowly stands up. She is suddenly hugging me. “I’m going to miss you. Please don’t stay away again.”

I pull her close and kiss the top of her head. “I love you, Posy.”

“You better,” she replies in a choked voice. “I’m the only one who shares your bad cigarette habit.”

“I keep yours a secret from Mom.”

“I think she’s stealing them from me,” she quips as she walks away. “Good luck—tell Johanna I said hi.”

Nodding, I walk a little further out in the yard. Inside, I can hear screaming, high-pitched voices. Madge’s brother and his gang of children have arrived. They’re always a good distraction for my wife—they adore their pretty aunt.

Pulling my cell from my pocket, I dial and am greeted by Johanna’s slightly hoarse voice. “Hey.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” I say into the phone. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay.” I can hear the annoyance in her voice. She pauses for a moment. “You never came to see me.”

I can hear the pain in her voice and for the billionth time, I realize that no matter what I do—someone is going to get hurt.

No one wins at the end of the day.

“I couldn’t,” I try to explain and my wife’s face flashes in my mind. Haymitch’s impassioned speech about Johanna echoes in my ears, followed by Annie’s words of hurting the one person who thinks the world of me and finally Posy’s taunt, _Which her are you referring to?_  “It’d look suspicious. Madge—“

“You’re supposed to be my friend,” Johanna says, pained. “Friends are supposed to visit.” I can hear the children let out loud screams from inside the house. “Where are you?”

“We’re having dinner with Madge’s family—“

“So you’re calling me on Valentine’s Day with her family around. You can’t keep doing this to me!”

It is the worst feeling in the world hearing Johanna Mason cry.

She rarely does—so you know that it’s bad when it happens. I remember the feeling all too well—those tears caused me to withdraw even further away from the life I knew here—from my childhood.

There is a part of me that lives and dies to stop those tears.

I try to explain this to her. “Johanna, I’m so sorry. I’m trying—I really am.”

“There has to be a little more than the spark for me now,” she sobs and my stomach clenches hearing her weariness. “I deserve someone who’s going to let me fall because they’re going to catch me. You can’t keep doing this to me. We can’t keep doing this to each other. You haveto make your choice and I have to make mine.”

“I know.”

 I know this all too well.

“Gale.”

My insides freeze and I turn to see Madge standing across from me, her eyes blank.

“Listen—“ I start to tell Johanna.

“You have to go—I know.”

Then the phone is dead.

Putting it into my pocket, I turn to my wife.

“Madge—“

“Dinner is ready,” she says, her voice even but I can hear the tinge of pain trying to crack through her calm façade.

She turns, leaving me alone to collect myself before I face our families and pretend to be part of the perfect couple.

++++++

“How’s Johanna?”

I turn to Madge as we drive away from her parents’ home. Her eyes stare straight ahead, her arms crossed and her mouth tight.

After a moment, I reply. “She’s fine.”

Our car is silent for a moment—slowly filling with the heavy weight of the situation.

“You think I don’t know what everyone is saying behind my back?” she asks in quiet humiliation. “I know, Gale.”  I can hear her try to hold back a sob. “Do you make love to her in our bed?”

“No, never.” I don’t even realize what I’ve said.

Quickly, I pull to the side of the road and turn to her—Madge is weeping into her hands.

“I’ve tried so hard—” she chokes out, trying to collect herself.

I can barely breathe seeing her this way.

“Why can’t you just be happy with what’s in front of you?” Madge looks at me with bloodshot eyes; her pale skin is scarlet and shiny with fallen tears. “You had to make a fool of me and of this—” Her hand shoots up, displaying her wedding band. “Does this mean anything to you?”

“Yes, it does—I meant my vows,” I tell her.

 I did mean them.

“And now?”

The next words come out so quietly that I’m not even sure she hears them at first.

“I don’t know.”

“Make your choice, Gale,” she begs in a tired voice—so similar to Johanna’s.

Both of them are sick of me.

I’m fucking sick of myself.

++++++

**_Friday, February 15, 2013_ **

She looks surprised to see me, her dark eyes almost expressionless.

“Can I come in?” I ask Johanna and she peers at me for a moment before finally moving aside so I can walk into the Everdeen-Mellark house. It is silent inside except for our steps. “Where is everyone?”

“Peeta took Adina and Katniss out for a late Valentine’s lunch,” she informs me as she closes the door. “What are you doing here?”

I turn to Johanna, who appears as if she’s recovered from what seemed like a bad flu.

“Are you feeling better?”

Johanna blushes and gives me a bright smile—the first semblance of emotion that I’ve gotten out of her.

“Much better, I had good caretakers.” She sits back on the couch and looks at the open laptop, a half-eaten cupcake and a Capri-Sun packet next to it. “You can sit, if you want.”

I sit next to her and Johanna doesn’t move away. Just being near her causes a pleasurable flame to spread through me.

When I turn to her, our lips brush against one another’s, and the heat is immediate.

I know then.

She is my downfall.

Johanna is all that I desire—but I know that the explosion she causes will eventually fade to ash—and I will be left burnt.

Part of me is ready to fall.

“What are you doing?” I ask as I pull away.

“I’m replying to work.” Her mouth is still touching mine, our foreheads pressed together. She looks at me, her stare unwavering but there’s something else—indifference. “I’m to report back to Honduras in a week.”

“Tell me to leave Madge,” I say to her suddenly. “Tell me to come with you.”

* * *

 

Seriously, this was the most difficult chapter for me to write.

Gale is the hardest character for me to decipher because of his inability to differentiate his past self and his present self. Also, in his mind, he is doing what feels right, which a lot of villains often believe —though I don’t see him as one. His character is the more tragic to me.

I’m sure that there are those who already have an opinion on who he should be with, though in the end and for this story—I hold the reins.

I’d be interested in knowing who you think he ends up with.

Songs:

“It’s a Hard Knock Life”- from the musical “Annie”

Greetings, feedback, and reviews are always welcome on Tumblr, AO3 and FF.

Thank you again for reading—it’s always appreciated!

Next: Gale ’99—the last chapter for Gale Hawthorne and a much sweeter time for him and Madge.

Until then, JLaLa


	30. Chapter Thirty: 1999

Oh Gale, my Gale…

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my dear beta, for her support and overall loveliness.

_“Guess we never could agree_   
_While the sun shines on you_   
_I need some love to rain on me…”_

_-Brian McKnight “One Last Cry” (1992)_

Again

Part Three, Chapter Thirty: 1999

**_Sunday, February 7, 1999_ **

_Houston, Texas_

_“'Cause there's a place in the sun_   
_Where there's hope for ev'ryone_   
_Where my poor restless heart's gotta run…”_

I open my eyes hearing Stevie Wonder’s voice on Madge’s record player—this is her favorite song and she usually wakes me up by crooning it into my ear.

My girlfriend, however, is missing.

Sitting up in bed, I let my eyes adjust to the bright light streaming out of her windows. Madge’s bedroom is always bright, with soft white walls and pale yellow bedding. I finally persuaded her to let me add some grey to balance it.

So now she has grey accent pillows to go along with her sunflower bedding.

Looking over to where her bathroom is, I can see steam slowly escaping the slightly open door. I finally get up and move towards the door. I can hear her singing loudly and try not to chuckle at her slightly off-key tone as it echoes against the tiles.

_“Like this tired, troubled earth…I’ve been rollin’ since my birth… movin’ on… movin’ on…”_

Opening the door quietly, I see Madge through the clear door of her shower and lean against the doorway to watch her for a moment.

She is beautiful.

Her eyes are closed as she dances and I stare at the water running down and along the curves of her body. Her long, sunshine hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun and I see that she has enlisted her toothbrush as her microphone.

I chuckle to myself. I never saw myself being with Madge when we were in high school.

She was different then—sweet, but unsure.

I ran into her a little over a year ago at a University of Houston party that her old dorm mates were throwing to celebrate finishing finals. Beetee, a Specialist that I work with in Advance Training persuaded me to come along with him. One of the girls throwing the party was his cousin and he didn’t feel like riding solo.

Since my phase in training is high, I was given weekend privileges and found myself entering a large apartment surrounded by college kids holding red cups.

That’s when I found her.

She was sitting at a round table counting out stacks of bills and writing into a notebook, wearing a tight tank dress with her hair in a high-ponytail —so different from the Madge Undersee I remembered.

Turned out, Madge had become a bookie.

She took bets on local University games, running it secretly from her apartment with her roommates running interference with security and school officials. They got a quarter of her winnings for their silence and assistance.

Brilliant as hell, and stunning—I still wonder how lucky I was that she looked up, spotted me and leaped, slightly buzzed, into my arms that night. It had been a long time since she had seen anyone from her hometown.

And so began our courtship.

“HOLY SHIT, GALE!” I look up to see my girl glaring at me from behind the shower glass. “You scared me!”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to,” I tell her with a grin.

“Dude--I was in the middle of soaping up when I saw you,” she informs me with a laugh.

“Hope you didn’t drop it.”

“Haha.” Madge flips me off and I give her an apologetic smile. As she starts to soap herself up again, she looks over her shoulder at me with a teasing smile. “Well, get in here, already! You have to soap my back.”

I’m happy to oblige.

++++++

**_Tuesday, February 9, 1999_ **

_San Antonio, Texas_

“Have you told Madge about the transfer?” Beetee asks me as we finish our morning run.

We sit on a bench in the small park and I take a sip from my water bottle. The sun is just beginning to come up and the light hits the concrete road in front of me.

I shake my head after a moment. “Not yet.”

Madge and I have never talked much about our relationship.

After our reunion at the party, we spent the whole night catching up and by the time I left, she had scribbled her number into the palm in my hand. I called her as soon as I was free to leave the next weekend, driving three hours so I could pick her up from her campus and take her to dinner.

We kept up this routine for three months before she finally asked if she was my girlfriend.

“I hope so,” I told her. “I don’t keep your picture in my locker for nothing.”

“Good,” she responded as she straddled me on her couch. “Now I get to do this.”

Our first kiss tasted of cherries. She had just finished a cherry-flavored slush from the Dairy Queen.

I decided that it was my new favorite drink.

When she moved into her own place six months ago, Madge had a key made for me—another big step in our relationship.

Together we created my weekend home, a place where I can go and be greeted by her bright smile when I enter through the door.  A place where I can wake up to her warm body against me, one tanned leg draped across my stomach and her silky hair covering my face.

Every weekend is the same and we like it this way.

But a week ago, a letter had been placed into my school locker. I would be reporting to a new base at the end of the month—in Washington.

I haven’t had the courage to tell her. I don’t know whose heart will break more—hers or mine.

It was a week ago when I realized that I had fallen in love with Madge Undersee.

Now I’m leaving her. We’ve never talked about the seriousness of our relationship; we’ve also never told one another that we love each other. Our plans are always weekend to weekend. This move has thrown me into a whirlwind.

I’m scared to leave the familiarity of this life, and the beautiful familiarity of her face.

I don’t know if I can let her go now.

“We never talk about where we’re going in this relationship,” I continue. “We don’t date other people and on the weekends, we live together. But we’ve never told one another that we love each other.”

“Do you think you it’s love?” my friend asks me.

I nod and give him a grin. “I do.”

“Have you ever been in love before? How do you know?”

My mind recalls dark eyes in my dim room and her soft, sleepy smile against my shoulder. I messed that up a long time ago.

I won’t do that this time.

“I just know,” I tell him seriously. “I can’t lose her.”

“Then you’d better tell her, boy!” Beetee lectures. “You don’t have a lot of time—you have to be a grown-up and make some decisions.”

I put my face in my hands. “Don’t I know it?”

He claps a hand on my back and chuckles. “The perils of falling in love.” Looking up, Beetee suddenly frowns. “Looks like a storm is coming in.”

I follow his gaze and shudder. Tonight will be a rough night for me.

I’m wishing for Madge’s sunny face and soft curves more than ever.

++++++

**_Wednesday, February 10, 1999, Midnight_ **

_“Gale…”_

Her voice whispers in my ear as the storm rages outside our building. I try to sleep but I feel so cold and wrap my blanket tighter around my body.

She only comes to me on nights like this.

The panicked feeling arises in me and I remember her angry shouts followed by my own angry words…and I’m seeing her face filled with pain before her eyes go cold with anger.

I shoot up in bed, my body clammy, and I look over to where Beetee is sleeping in his own bed across from me, undisturbed by the storm.

Oh God, when will this stop? When will I not hear _her_ voice?

I get up slowly, shakily, and go to the door. Quietly, I open it and peek out to see if anyone else on the floor is up, but I find it empty. We aren’t usually allowed calls, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin. It’s the feeling of emptiness and loneliness that seems to invade my body every once in a while, and usually during every storm.

Closing the door behind me after grabbing some change, I walk to the payphone and quickly dial after shoving some coins into the phone’s slot.

It only takes two rings before I hear Madge’s sleepy voice. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me,” I whisper into the phone. I instantly feel horrible for waking her; I know that she has an early class. She’s majoring in architecture and plans to have a career designing skyscrapers—I love her big dreams. “Sorry for waking you. I shouldn’t be bothering you—“

“—No, baby, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” I find my body warming at the sound of her light voice.

“I had a nightmare.” I suddenly feel stupid calling her over this.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“Not really,” I tell her quickly. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“That’s worth waking up for,” she replies and I can tell she’s smiling. “Do you want me to sing you a song?”

I find myself grinning into the receiver. “Would you?”

“Of course, babe,” Madge giggles. “Don’t laugh at my voice, though. You have to also promise that you won’t think I’m any less perfect after you hear how atrocious I sound.”

“You will always be perfect to me,” I murmur. “And I promise I won’t laugh.”

She sighs dramatically. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you!” I hear her take a deep breath as I sit on the ground next to the payphone.

_“Whisper to me softly, breathe words upon my skin_   
_No one's near and listening, so please don't say goodbye_   
_Just hold me close and love me, press your lips to mine_   
_Feels so right… feels so right…”_

Her voice calms me to the core, and I’m missing her more than ever. I promise myself that once we’re reunited, I’ll kiss every inch of her and show her how much she means to me.

“That’s really beautiful, sweetie,” I say hoarsely—I realize that I’m crying.

“I heard that song recently—it reminded me of you,” she replies in a low voice. “Is it too sappy?”

“No, it’s perfect,” I assure her.

“Now you’ll have to find a song that reminds you of me.”

“Right away, Sergeant,” I respond to her command.

“Dismissed.” Madge yawns. “You feeling better?”

“Yes,” I say quietly. “Thanks to you.”

“Anytime, Gale.”

“Hey, Madge?”

“Yeah, honey?” I can tell she is half-asleep.

I press my mouth to the receiver. “I love you.”

She pauses for a moment. “That’s the first time you’ve ever said that.” I can hear the tears in her voice. “Do you mean it?”

“I’ll always mean it,” I promise her.

“I hope this isn’t a fucking dream,” she says. “I’m going to be pissed if it is.”

“Write it down then,” I suggest. “Just in case you forget.”

“Good idea!” I hear her shuffling. “’12:30—Gale told you he loves you.’” She stops suddenly. “Gale? I love you, too.”

The dark corridor is instantly filled with light.

“12:32,” I tell her.

“What?”

“12:32—‘I told Gale that I love him.’”

++++++

**_Friday, February 12, 1999_ **

_Houston, Texas_

I feel like my feet can’t get me to her door fast enough.

My commanding officer dismissed me early as I had already completed my training module. Beetee laughs as he watches me pack my bag to take my usual trip to Madge’s.

“So I guess you had a good talk?” he asks. “I know you snuck out the other night.”

I nod, throwing my weekend clothes into the bag. “I told her I love her.”

He grins in understanding. “And her?”

“She feels the same.” I smile to myself at the thought of her sweet voice saying those words to me. Madge loves me and my stomach is leaping up into my throat.

“Did you tell her about Washington?”

I stop suddenly, tensing at his question. Finally I answer back, my packing suddenly slowed. “Not yet.”

“Gale,” my friend says to me sternly. “You can’t avoid this, as much as you want to.”

“I know, I know,” I reply. “Though it’s almost Valentine’s Day and I won’t ruin that for her.”

++++++

Unlocking the door to her apartment, I drop my bag next to the door before closing it.

“MADGE?”

The house seems empty as my Madge is not in the living room. Her apartment was a present from her parents—or at least the down-payment. It has floor to ceiling windows in the main area, the kitchen is a fair size, and it’s carpeted in cream.

Her furniture is mostly bright, textile pieces and very plush—she wants it to be comfortable and a place that people can chill out in.

I hear a rush of footsteps coming from the opposite direction and see her running towards me, her hair flying behind her. She leaps into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist and her mouth immediately claims mine.

My arms reach around her waist to keep her steady and hold her closer.

Pulling away, Madge wraps her arms around my neck and smiles softly. “Hello.”

“That was one hell of a greeting,” I remark as I look up at her with my own beaming smile. “Hello.”

“Say it again,” Madge tells me as she looks into my eyes. “I’ve had to read that note at least once a day to convince myself that it was real.”

I look up at her heart-shaped face, her big blue eyes staring down at me as she nervously bites her cherry-stained lips. These little things show me that Madge has her own insecurities and fears—that it’s not just me who is walking into this relationship unsure of where we’re going, and I love her willingness to show them to me.

So few people do when it comes to relationships.

“I love you, Madge.”

“I love you,” she says before kissing me again. Madge grins down at me and nods towards our bedroom. “I know we usually have dinner, but I thought—“

“It can wait,” I tell her. “We have time.”

My mouth finds hers again and we walk arm-in-arm towards our bedroom. She has already shed her white tank top by the time we enter and her fingers start working on the buttons of my shirt.

Madge slides down my body when we reach the edge of the bed and lays back against the mattress, her golden hair surrounding her milky face. Her hands reach down to undo the button of her jean shorts and she moves the zipper down slowly as her eyes stare heatedly into mine. I watch her arch her hips so that she can slide them down her legs and onto the floor.

“Come here,” she beckons softly as she removes her last piece of clothing, a pale yellow bra. Reaching behind her back, Madge unclasps it quickly and tosses it to the ground with a grin.

My mouth has gone dry as I look down at her beautiful body, her full breasts and hips—and lush skin. My eyes meet her sweet blue ones, and the twisting in my gut increases as my heart leaps out of my chest.

“I made myself a promise that I would kiss every inch of you the next time I saw you,” I say to her. I finish unbuttoning my shirt and push it off. Then I undo the button of my khakis so they can join the rest of our clothes on the ground. Crawling onto the bed, I hover over her petite body and watch her chest rise and fall raggedly. “I’m going to make good on that promise.”

Her hand reaches to cup my cheek and her thumb brushes my chin. “Oh yeah?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I grin before biting back a groan as she pushes my briefs off my hips.  Her other hand reaches to line my aching cock up against her wet core and I take a breath to stop myself from falling apart. “I don’t back down on my promises.”

“Good.” Her dark lashes flutter and I’m lost. “I love you.”

I kiss her forehead. “I love you,” I whisper as my mouth finds one of her closed eyelids. “I love you.” My lips find other lid and do the same.

Her hand guides me inside her, and soon I’m repeating the same words as we move in achingly hot pleasure.  All I can see in front of me is her, my sunshine, as I wrap myself in the lushness, ready to burn, to fall, and to perish just for her.

Madge, so open and unafraid, doesn’t hold back her moans as we move, her soft breasts arching against my hard chest. I cry out feeling her hard nipples kiss mine—to be surrounded by her is nothing short of feeling like I’ve returned home from a long journey.

The woman in front of me, I realize, is my home.

“I can’t hold back,” she suddenly says as she arches sharply against me. I respond in fervor, my own hips picking up their pace as I feel my own climax approaching. I know that I, too, will not be able to hold on much longer myself.

“Let go,” I urge and see the beads of sweat against her chest as she looks at me and gasps. “I won’t let you fall—not ever.”

Madge cries out into the room, her back arching sharply as she keens with the pleasure of her release. She is pulsing around me, gripping my cock tightly and I push once, twice and see stars as I fill her insides, gritting my teeth as I continue to plunder her.

I try to lie back against the bed, not wanting to put my weight on her, but she is pulling me down so that my head can rest against her chest.

“Don’t make me fall in love with you,” Madge gasps, as she runs her hands through my hair. “Loving you is scary enough.”

++++++

**_Saturday, February 13, 1999_ **

“Hanna!”

Madge and I find her sitting in the shaded area of the gardens that flank the building with her nurse, who sits a little bit away. The old woman turns, slowly watching as we approach. Madge lets go of my hand so that she can go to her grandmother. Hanna is the reason that my Madge came to Texas; she wanted to be close to the woman.

Their relationship is special—I can see it. They have a bond like no other and Madge even admitted that she is closer to her grandmother than anyone else in her family. I reach the two and lean down to kiss the older woman on the cheek, smelling eucalyptus.  Her hair is in a high bun and her watery blue eyes beam as she looks up at me.

“Happy Early Valentine’s Day, Hanna.” I pull out a small box of chocolates that Madge and I brought along before sitting next to her at the table. “Don’t share that with anyone you don’t deem worthy.”

Hanna lives in a luxury retirement home in Houston and we see her every weekend during visiting hours.

“Open the box, Gale,” she commands softly in her slight accent, her mouth in a teasing grin, so similar to Madge’s. “The food here is horrible. I need something to get rid of the taste.”

I chuckle as I open the box. “Do you want me to feed you one?”

Hanna laughs. “You would make me the envy of all the ladies here if you did,” she responds. “Feed my Magpie, she looks so skinny.”

That’s Madge’s childhood nickname, and Hanna is the only one allowed to call her Magpie.

“I am not!” Madge protests with a smile.

I take my girlfriend’s hand and tug her gently onto my lap. “Listen to your grandmother, young lady.”

Taking one of the chocolates from the box, I hold it to Madge’s lips. She looks at me before finally taking a bite, sucking at my fingers as she takes the whole piece in her mouth.

How can she look so wholesome and so sexy at the same time?

“Ahem.” We look over at Hanna, who is watching us with an amused smile. “Magpie, will you go into my room and grab my hat?”

Madge hops off my lap and gives me a quick kiss. “I’ll be right back.”

As soon as she leaves, Hanna turns to me. “Gale, do me a favor?” She reaches into her pocket to pull out a small round locket. “Magpie’s birthday is coming up next month and I want her to have this,” she tells me. “I want to find a good picture to put inside of it.”

“Can I open it?” I ask and she nods. Inside is a black and white photo of a pretty young woman with shoulder length hair. Her smile is familiar and I look up at the woman in front of me, seeing the similarities. “This is you.”

She nods. “I thought it could use another photo,” she continues. “Maybe one of you.” Hanna gives me a grin. “Magpie thinks the world of you.”

“She shouldn’t,” I find myself saying. “I’m not that great.”

Hanna frowns at my statement. “You’re too young to be so sad, Gale,” she says to me seriously. “We only have a limited amount of breaths in us. You don’t want to spend your life living with regrets.”

“Then what should I do?” I ask her.

Hanna gives me another smile. “Bask in the sunshine.”

Madge’s footsteps approach us and I quickly put the necklace in my pocket.

Placing the hat on Hanna’s head, she wraps her arms around her grandmother’s shoulders and kisses her cheek.

“Let’s take a walk,” she tells Hanna and then winks at me. “I want to tell you my secrets.”

“And I’ll tell you some of mine,” Hanna replies before turning to me. “Rest up, Gale, I expect you to do something elaborate for my Magpie tomorrow.”

Carefully, Madge helps her grandmother and I watch them walk away into the sunny gardens in front of them.

++++++

**Sunday, February 14, 1999 3:00AM**

Resting my hand against Madge’s bare back, I kiss the side of her head.

“So what are these secrets that you tell your grandmother?”

Madge looks up at me, resting her chin against my shoulder, and gives me a tired smile. “Stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“About anything, really,” she replies and sits up. Her long hair falls, covering her bare chest. “Mostly things I’m afraid to tell other people.” Her eyes glow in our dark bedroom. “She always knows the right things to say.”

“Hanna does have that way about her,” I reply from where I lay. “Are there things you’re afraid to tell me?”

Madge nods after a moment.

“What if I told you a secret?” I sit up, resting my back against the headboard.

“Like what?” She joins me, her head going to my shoulder.

“What do you want to know about?”

“What are your nightmares about?”

Her name comes out without a thought. “Johanna.”

Madge stills for a moment processing what I have said. “Do you still love her?”

“There are parts of me that do,” I admit. “But my nightmares are about a lot of things that I regret saying, and that I hurt someone I cared about. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be that person to you.”

She’s quiet as she listens to my words, so I continue before I lose the courage to say the rest.

“Since I met you, you’ve let me learn about you—and the more I know, the more I’ve loved you. Now I can’t help but be in love with you, Madge. But I’m afraid that one day, you’ll see these horrible things inside me. And that’s when I’ll be living my nightmare.”

Madge lifts her head from my shoulder and scoots herself around so that she is facing me.

“Loving someone is about taking the good and the bad. I’m in love with you, Gale, and no matter what our situation—I will accept you for all that you are. I will always choose you, I will always choose us, and I’ll be there until you tell me to go.”

It is there in that dark room that I realize that Madge is the only one who can drive away the darkness in me.

I’ve let the storm of my past follow me for too long, and what I need is to bask in the sunshine.

So I take her hand, look into her eyes, look into my bright future, at the keeper of my hopes. “Madge Undersee, will you marry me?”

She sits back in shock. “Is this real?”

I grin at her. “Do you want to write this down?”

She shakes her head, her lips splitting into a smile.

“Are you going to say yes?”

“YES!” She is straddling me, taking my face in her hands and kissing me. “Is this just so I’ll tell you all my secrets?”

“Exactly,” I tell her.

“Here’s one,” she starts. “I know about Washington.”

I falter. “How?”

“You’re no good at lying,” she tells me. “The day you got the letter—you spent most of it wringing your hands. You always do that when you’re holding something in. Plus, I found the envelope in your bag while I was getting your laundry.” Madge sits back, resting her bottom on her feet and meets my eyes. “End of the month, huh?”

“Yup.”

“You scared?” she asks, her eyes serious.

I nod slowly. “Yeah, I am.”

“So am I,” Madge replies. “My grandmother said that we would be.”

“She knows, too?”

“That’s what we were talking about.” She places her hand over mine. “We’ll be okay. Everything will work out in the end.” Leaving doesn’t seem so scary anymore because I’ll have her, and she’ll have me.

Her belief in good things is what will keep us going and keep us strong.

“She did make me promise one thing.”

“What?”

Madge gives me a shy smile. “That we name our first girl after her.”

I pull her onto my lap and lift her chin so I can look into her beaming eyes.

“Deal.”

++++++

**_Friday, February 26, 1999_ **

“You ready?” I start the engine to our rental van and look over at Madge.

My wife of two days, who sits in the passenger seat, gives me a bright smile. “I’m ready.”

Madge toys with the locket around her neck—the picture of Hanna remains inside. One day, it will be replaced with a picture of the new Hanna. Madge’s grandmother assures me that our first child will be a girl.

I see the glint of her wedding ring hit the rays of the eastern sun and I smile to myself. Hanna and Beetee were our witnesses in the small ceremony where Madge Undersee became Madge Hawthorne. We didn’t need the fanfare, so we opted for a small civil ceremony; her in a strapless, white silk dress and me in my uniform.

I’m not scared anymore.

Watching her walking towards me during our ceremony made me excited for our future and for the first time in a long time, I felt the small inklings of hope grow from the dirt of the past. I know that I can never go back on anything that happened before, but I can work towards building something better tomorrow.

Madge taught me that.

So I made my promise to love her, honor her, and cherish her. In my heart, I promised to protect her from any harm, to never take her for granted and to always keep the light in her eyes going.

Because, like her favorite song, she is my place in the sun.

I’ve asked a lot of her. She is withdrawing from school here and continuing her education at the University of Tacoma. We have a small home commissioned to us that’s close to the base and it will not be easy on her. We are both aware that there’s always a chance that I’ll be called up for duty. Being a military wife will not be easy, but she is the strongest woman I know.

And I know that we will be okay.

I take her hand and kiss her fingers, relishing in the sight of the golden band. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being you,” I tell her. “For marrying me, and for everything else great that I know you will do in the future.” I know that there are infinite ways to say that I love her and I will try every day to figure it out. “Also, guess what?”

“What?”

“I found a song that reminded me of you,” I tell her excitedly and put the CD into the car stereo. “Also, now that we’re married—I can finally reveal my awesome singing voice to you.”

Madge grins at me. “Bullshit.”

“Just think, you’ll get to wake up to me singing this in your ear every morning.”

I begin the drive towards our new home, our new life, ready for the world because we’ll face it together.

“You promise?” she says softly.

“I promise,” I reply, then press the play button.

_“So many times, I looked and found_   
_My dreams around, come tumbling down_   
_And there you were, holding out your hand_   
_When there was rain, you were the sun_   
_You are my life when life is done…”_

* * *

 

If anything, I wanted you to see that Madge and Gale were once very happy.

So that makes it even more devastating to see a marriage like theirs falling apart after fourteen years, and it makes you wonder whether they will able to survive it all.

I also wanted to showcase Madge in anticipation of the next chapter because she and Johanna will have their own little confrontation. My husband pointed out after reading this chapter that Gale is attracted to strong and intelligent women, except that they project these traits in different ways.

Madge holds her own and really shouldn’t be underestimated.

I don’t mention it too much, but Gale is in advanced training to be a combat medic because the Fort in Texas is actually a medical training facility. He and Johanna end up going into similar fields. When you get to a certain phase in training, you’re allowed certain privileges, such as leaving for the base for the weekend.

I wanted to also introduce you to Hanna because she —or her name —will be featured in a one-shot, along with some other details from this chapter.

Songs:

“A Place in the Sun”- Stevie Wonder (1966)

“Feels So Right”- Alabama (1981)

“A Better Man”- All-4-One (1994)

Hellos, reviews and comments are welcome on Tumblr, FF, and AO3.

Next: Johanna 2013 - the conclusion to the arc, and we’ll see the fate of all of our characters.

Until next time, JLaLa


	31. Chapter Thirty-One: 2013

The last chapter of this arc — I hope you’ve enjoyed Johanna and Gale, but it’s time to say goodbye.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, who has stuck by me and continues to do so—even when I send her gibberish.

_“I learned to let go of the illusion that we can possess_   
_I learned to let go, I travel in stillness…”_

_-Madonna “I’ll Remember” (1994)_

Again

Part Three, Chapter Thirty-One: 2013

**_Saturday, February 16, 2013_ **

Madge steps into the house and I close the door behind her.

The house is empty once again as the little family has gone over to Mr. Everdeen and Portia’s house for lunch.

So it’s just us—me and Gale’s wife—staring at one another in the entryway. The silence is palpable as we size each other up for a moment.

How could Gale love two such different women? She has her golden looks and warm smiles, and then there’s me—all storms and rainclouds inside.

“You have what I want,” she finally says.

“You have what I want,” I reply.

“You have his heart.” Madge’s voice wavers; I can see the pool of tears in her crystal blue eyes.

I briefly wonder if she knows what he asked of me just yesterday. I couldn’t answer him—something has changed, his kiss doesn’t feel the same anymore.

I finally see him for what he really is—a scared boy.

And I am tired of taking care of people. I have to take care of myself.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to make this easy on Madge.

Both of us have been tiptoeing around each another for years, using Gale as our buffer. How could I have known that she was even strong enough to hold it down with Gale?  Past experience has left me wary of her.

“You have his ring.”

“That obviously doesn’t mean shit,” Madge seethes quietly.

I raise my brow at her and cross my arms. “Cursing? I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“Cut the crap, Johanna!” She stomps towards me until we’re only a step apart from one another. “Do you really think I came here to just _talk_ to you? After everything you’ve done?”

“What did I do?” I refuse to back down. “I wasn’t the one who came to this doorstep one rainy afternoon. I wasn’t the one who called and texted—“

“But you are the one who knows better than he does,” she tells me. Her eyes begin to water. “I’ve tried so hard to be what he wanted.” Madge looks down for moment and when she faces me again, the tracks of her tears stain her pretty face. “When in the end, it was useless—because I can never be you.”

The guilt of seeing her anguish causes a lump to form in my throat. “What do you want?”

“I just need to know.” Her stance is weary and there is tiredness in her baby blues. “Are you going to take him from me?”

“Do you want me to?” I ask her.

She glares at me. “What kind of question is that?”

“An important fucking question, Madge.” I meet her hot stare. “I’m asking you how much you’re willing to fight for him. Because you know what? If I asked him to, he would leave you—” I snap my fingers in her face. “Just like that.” I’m so close to her that our noses are almost brushing. “So I’m asking you again—do you want me to take him from you?”

She doesn’t hesitate to answer, “No.”

“Then fight for him, Madge,” I tell her in a sharp whisper. “Fucking fight for him and don’t let go, no matter what he does. We both love him—and we both want what’s best for him.”

I turn away from her and take a breath.

“But I think only one of us is willing to see him through.” I turn to her. “I loved the boy—I don’t know the man. You, however—you loved him long before you even knew it and continue to do so despite all the crap he’s pulled. Don’t let him think that your love is worth nothing. Fucking fight, Madge.”

“I’m not like you,” she responds in a thick voice.

“You don’t need to be like me because I’m not the woman he fell in love with. Trust me when I tell you that you are stronger than you think.” I smile softly in spite of the situation. Madge needs to understand that her strength is in her loyalty and love—things I could never give Gale. “The man is stubborn in his ways but you stuck with him, and you showed him that the people who really love him aren’t going to leave—even during the shittiest of times.”

“Yeah, and you see where that’s gotten me.” She wipes her eyes, sniffing softly. “Look at us—fighting over him like a couple of high schoolers.”

“I think this fight has been a long time coming, Madge,” I tell her. “But I’m not fighting for him. I don’t want him.”

She looks over at me curiously. “What _do_ you want?”

“To have someone like you,” I say as I meet her eyes. “Someone who’s going to stick around, even during the shittiest of times.”

++++++

I made my decision long before she even came.

The afternoon that Gale told me to ask him to leave—I saw it. He was scared and hesitant.

His proposal of leaving was a cop-out, and he wanted _me_ to ask him to stay.

I couldn’t be his way out because sometimes I can’t even find my own way out myself.

A knock on my bedroom door interrupts my thoughts. “Come in.”

Katniss peeks her head in and gives me a smile. “You feel like company?” She looks around the half-packed room. “So eager to get rid of me already?”

“Hells yes!” I reply as she walks in and closes the door behind her. “My sleeping patterns will be a lot better when I’m not awakened by a screaming orgasm.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“I’m talking about Peeta,” I reply as I open one of my drawers. “My God—what the hell are you doing to him? He seems like one of those guys who enjoys having his balls cupped—is that what you’re doing?”

“Gross.”

“Don’t knock it until you try it.” Pulling out the shirts, I place them on the bed so I can start filling my suitcases. “What’s up?”

“I was surprised to see Madge at the house today,” Katniss says, sitting on my bed and taking a stack of shirts to refold them. “You two looked… friendly.”

When Peeta and Katniss arrived along with Adina, they were surprised to see Madge sitting with me in their living room. They quickly greeted her and then scurried off to the den with Adina, who kept on asking why they were in such a rush to leave us alone.

At dinner, I remained silent—stuck in my own thoughts about the day.

I believe that Madge has it in her.  She is smart, strong and patient—the perfect counterpart for Gale.

Part of me is sad; it is never easy to let go of your first love. But then you realize there’s a reason they were your first—because they helped you realize who should be your last.

“We’re on good terms,” I tell her. “We are not going to best friends—that position has been filled.” I pat her head and she scowls at me.  “But we’ve come to an understanding.”

“And what understanding is that?”

“That I’m done fucking her husband—in the crudest of terms,” I state and then sit next to her. “I’m tired of the game, Katniss.”

“Aren’t we all?”

“I guess that’s why you’re in therapy.” Looking over, I watch her fold a shirt, her hands shaking slightly as she does. “Are you okay?”

Katniss looks up at me, her grey eyes filled with melancholy. “What am I going to do without you?”

“You’re going to be fine,” I assure her and put an arm around her shoulders. “You’ve been great with Adina.”

“When you leave, it will be the three of us: me, Adina—and Peeta,” she says with fear in her voice. “I’m scared—I don’t know how to live with a boy!”

“He’s been living here for months!”

“You were always here, though,” Katniss tells me, panicked. “So if I had a freak out, I could come to you!”

“Sweetheart, I think it’s time for you to start going to Peeta whenever something like that happens,” I say gently. “You want to spend the rest of your life with this man?” She nods and I take her face in my hands. “Then let him see your weaknesses so he can fall in love with those, too.” I kiss her forehead. “Though I’m pretty sure he’s already in love with you and your crazy traits will only increase his adoration. You’re fucking lucky, Everdeen.”

Katniss grins at me. “Me and you have been partners for so long, haven’t we?”

“A little too long; we could be common-law married. That would definitely put a damper on Peeta ever proposing to you, though,” I quip and ruffle her hair.

I stand up and look out the window, where the lights of the city flicker like candlelight.

“I think it’s time for you to start depending on him because that’s all he wants—for you and Adina to need him in your lives.” I turn to her as I lean against the windowsill. “So I think being called back is coming at the best possible time.”

“You’ll be back for Adina’s graduation, of course,” she tells me. “Your goddaughter will be disappointed if you don’t show up.”  I turn to her and nod in affirmation. “Maybe you won’t be alone by then.”

I chuckle. “I highly doubt there is anyone willing to take me on,” I tell her. “Look at me—I just spent months doing my ex only to send him back to his wife.” I cross my arms in front of me, smiling ruefully. “I don’t regret my decisions, though.”

Katniss’ eyes meet mine in understanding. “I know.”

“It does suck to be alone,” I acknowledge and my chin trembles. “Don’t tell anyone—but I’m scared that no one will ever take on this mess.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” she mumbles, lost in her own thoughts. “Maybe you’re just not ready to see.”

“See what?”

Katniss shakes her head and then looks up at me. “What?”

“You were a little lost there,” I tell her. “Is something going on?”

“Of course not,” she assures me, though I clearly know she’s lying. “Anyway, Peeta, Adina and I are throwing you a going-away party on Tuesday night—here. You can invite anyone you want and we’re making everyone dress up, so you have to get something pretty to wear.”

“Damn! I was really looking forward to wearing my new thigh-high boots and leather shorts,” I respond with a pout.

“Going topless will probably deflect from the thigh-highs,” she informs me easily.

“I guess you’ll have to take me shopping then.”

“Deal.”

I look over at her. “Would it be okay if I invited Cato? I know it will be awkward for you, but he is my friend—“

“Of course not,” she replies quickly. “It’s your party.” Katniss looks over at the clock on my bedside table. “I think I should let you rest.” She walks over to me and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “I would probably put some music on tonight, too.”

“Why?”

“Because if you’re going to invite Cato to your party—I’m going to have to do that ball cupping thing, or something like it, to Peeta tonight,” she informs me with a cheeky grin.

“Gross.” I swat her bottom jokingly. “No wonder you got knocked up—you’re a freak.”

“I learned from the best.”

++++++

**_Monday, February 18, 2013_ **

“So I get to be the Prince Charming to your Cinderella?” Cato jokes as we walk along the pier.

“I would use the term ‘Prince Charming’ loosely,” I tell him. “I just need someone there with me since it seems like everyone is going to be paired-up. You’re not my date or anything.” I take a sip from my coffee cup. “Plus _he_ will be there.”

My friend looks over at me, a glint in his eyes. “Oh, yeah? I guess I won’t be the only one in an awkward situation.” Cato puts an arm around me. “Should I try to kick this guy’s ass or something? I kind of feel like I should—being your pseudo-date and all.”

“You’re not my date,” I reiterate. “Plus he was a military man, so you can take your chances.  It’s a good thing that there will be doctors in the house.”

“So it will be a bunch of our UCSF pals, your high school friends—did you invite some clowns and strippers over, too?”

“Haymitch is coming.” We turn to see Adina behind us with her drink in her hand. “I didn’t know hot chocolate took so long to make.”

Cato walks over and puts an arm around her. “It does when the stupid barista keeps on checking you out,” he says as they walk back to me. “So, who is this Haymitch?”

I feel my face grow warm and Cato raises his brow at my reaction before focusing on Adina.

“He was my parents’ and Auntie Jo-Jo’s teacher during their senior year,” she says as we stroll. “Then Uncle Finnick’s guardian until he turned eighteen, and he even officiated his and Annie’s wedding. And when Auntie Jo-Jo was sick, he sat with her the whole day. I like him—he has awesome taste in music and books.”

“Oh, yeah?” Cato says and then turns to me with a wide grin. “You’re into older guys, aren’t you?”

My face is officially on fire as I shake my head. “What are you going on about?”

The thought of Haymitch being there, however, shakes me. I walk over to the railing of the pier and look out at the bay, letting the cool wind hit my flaming cheeks.

“Remember my cousin, Seneca?” Cato and Adina join me, both flanking my sides. “He was four—five years older than you? You both were hot and heavy for a while, weren’t you?” My friend smirks at me. “He says hello from London, by the way. Runs a genetics lab around Westminster now.”

“Tell him hello back.” I look around in realization. “This is where he took me on our first date—I didn’t even think about that.”

“So Cato’s cousin was your boyfriend?” Adina asks with a smile.

“I don’t think boyfriend would be the best word,” Cato informs her.

I look over at him with a glare. “That’s my goddaughter you’re talking to,” I say and turn to Adina. “We were involved on and off until he got a job in Chicago. It was never anything serious.”

“What do you mean ‘involved?’” Adina’s big grey eyes look into mine. I realize how innocent she still is, and how much I want to keep her that way.

“What do the cool kids call it now?” Cato muses for a moment before snapping his fingers. “A hook-up?”

“Don’t tell her these things!” I turn to Adina again. “We kept each other company.”

“Topless company,” he mutters next to me.

“This is why we never went any further than that.” My annoyed eyes meet Cato’s. “There were too many hands in that cookie jar.” I link arms with Adina. “We had a good connection, but we both wanted different things. Seneca wanted to move forward and I wasn’t ready.”

Adina nods after a moment and smiles softly, her father’s grin on her pink lips. “And now?”

I kiss the side of her head. “I’m ready to move forward.”

++++++

**_Tuesday, February 19, 2013 6:00PM_ **

The knock on the door brings me out of reverie and I turn to see Annie coming into my almost empty room. Most of my luggage is already packed except for the few essentials I’ll need for my trip back.

She gives me a small smile. “You look beautiful.”

I hold out the skirt of my sheer black halter dress and do a little twirl for her. Katniss and Adina had literally forced me to try it on during our shopping trip.

I’m glad they did. The bejeweled neck and nude underlay of the dress gives it those special little touches that I like. I felt sophisticated.

For a brief moment, as I looked into the mirror at the shop, I wondered who the hell I was trying to impress. I’ve never needed validation from anyone.

But I looked damn good in the dress, so I let Katniss buy it for me.

“Katniss owed me,” I tell her as I slip my heels on. “Are there a lot of people down there?”

“A good amount,” she replies as she sits on the bed, adjusting her navy silk shift dress. The baby bump is apparent. “I wanted to give you something.”

“What?”

“This.” Annie opens her purse and takes out a small box. “A goodbye present from Finnick and me.”

“You shouldn’t have!” She stands easily, placing the box in my hand. Opening it, a pair of diamond tear drop earrings shine out at me. “This is too much, Annie; but really—thank you.”

“Put them on!” she tells me excitedly.

Together we go to the full length mirror in the corner of my room and I put them on for her. They aren’t as heavy as I thought they would be. Since my hair is swept back and pulled into a low bun, the earrings display nicely.

Annie grins at me through the mirror. “Now you’re really Cinderella.”

“You’ve been talking to Cato, haven’t you?” I tell her and she nods with a closed-mouth smile. “That jerk.”

“He’s an interesting man,” she remarks. “I kind of had to though, because Peeta was staring him down until Katniss took him aside—if you know what I mean.”

I try not to giggle. “Took him aside? For like, what, ten minutes?”

“More like five.”

“She’s getting better,” I reply and Annie snorts back a laugh.

“Also, there was someone else giving him the death glare,” she continues.

I hold my breath for a moment before responding. “Who?”

“Gale.” She looks at me through the mirror to gauge my reaction. “You look disappointed.”

I shake my head, denying the slight sinking feeling in my stomach. “What are you talking about?”

“I heard Madge was here last weekend,” she says slowly. “When she came back, they had it out. Madge really let him have it. I don’t know what you said to her, but it worked.”

“Whatever she said to him was something that he probably needed to hear,” I reply. “No one ever gives her enough credit—she’s tougher than she looks.”

“Oh, so you’re a Madge fan now?”

I turn to look at Annie. “She’s good for him—perfect, actually. I could never love him like she does.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know if I ever did. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved him, despite his faults and our differences. I think it’s the same way for him. Lucky for him, he has Madge who loves him for everything he is, was, and ever will be.” I take a breath. “I’m happy for them.”

“And what about you?”

I shrug and feel the slight sting of tears. “I don’t know, but I’m always hoping,” I say quietly.

Annie hugs me. “I’m proud of you, Johanna,” she whispers in my ear. When she pulls away, I can see the tears in her eyes. “So the earrings aren’t just a present but kind of a bribe…” She gives me a hopeful smile. “Finnick and I wanted to know if you would be Maggie’s godmother.”

“Why?”

“Look at Adina, you helped raise her,” she responds. “You can’t screw up Maggie that much!”

I lean down and speak to her belly.

“Are you really going to let her talk to your godmother like that? When you come out, you’d better give her hell.”

“So that’s a yes?” I nod and Annie almost jumps in happiness. She throws her arms around me. “Thanks, Johanna.” She looks at her watch. “Oh shit—we’ve been up here for almost ten minutes! I was supposed to bring you down five minutes ago.”

“We’ll just tell them that you had to pee or something,” I say with a wave of my hand. “No one can be mad at a pregnant woman.”

As we both leave the room, I link arms with Annie as we walk towards the stairs, hearing the chords of the piano wafting from below.

“So who’s going to be the godfather?” I ask as we reach the top of the stairs.

She gives me a smile. “Haymitch.”

I spot Adina at the piano, playing the softly haunting song, my soft steps in-rhythm as I descend down the stairs. There’s a small crowd of my old classmates and friends standing in the living room and entryway, sipping wine.

Katniss and Peeta really went all out—I owe them at least a month of alone-time. The next time I come back, I’m taking Adina on a trip.

It’s when I reach the middle of the stairs that I feel someone’s stare.

I turn to meet Haymitch’s dark eyes. He grins and raises his glass to me from his position off to the side.

My face heats up and I smile back, striking a slight pose for him. The warmth of his smile causes my stomach to flip elatedly—the feeling is unfamiliar, but not unwelcomed.

Maybe there is someone I’m trying to impress.

“Johanna?” I turn to see Annie staring at me. Her eyes follow where I’m looking and her lips curl into a small smile before she nods. “I understand now.”

“What?”

“Nothing,” she says hurriedly. “Your Prince Charming is coming.” Annie gives me a smile before trotting down to join Finnick.

“Look at you, gorgeous.” I turn to see Cato walking up to meet me on the stairs. He gives me a winning smile. “You have to help me here and get me away from these people. Do you realize how many of our friends have become gynecologists?”

“Do I want to know?” I ask as we walk down the stairs together.

“No, but don’t be surprised if you see some of the men trying to look at your crotch.”

++++++

The rest of the night goes as smoothly as it can.

Cato is successful in respecting Katniss and Peeta’s space, so he’s with me for the majority of the night. Occasionally, he’ll hang out with Adina by the piano, but when dinner is announced, he sits right next to me.

For some reason, having him by my side bothers me.

Katniss and Peeta have a beautiful, white tent pitched in their spacious yard where our long dining table is set-up on a hardwood floor. Waiters bring courses out from the kitchen and keep on filling my wine glass. I’m not quite sure how they arranged this so quickly, but I’m sure my other friends had something to do with it.

I look over and my eyes find Haymitch’s again. I mouth a ‘hello’ and he does the same—the stomach twisting happens again.

The wine is fucking with me.

Thresh stands up from the middle of the table and Teddy encouragingly squeezes his hand.

“Hey, everyone,” he calls out. “I just want to give a toast to the lovely woman who we unfortunately have to say goodbye to.” A round of boos choruses around the table. “We’re all going to miss you, Johanna. However, I know that you’re going to be using those magic hands of yours to do some good.” Thresh winks at me and I give him the finger. “Love you too, babe.”

He raises his glass and smiles at me. “To Johanna—don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Hear, hear!” Katniss echoes from the other end and sticks her tongue at me.

“What exactly would you _not_ do?” I call out to her.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she taunts.

 Peeta, who sits next to her, has turned tomato red.

She raises her glass to me. “Just don’t come back married or anything.”

“Doubtful, love,” I say. “It can get really lonely in my quarters.” I take a sip of wine. “ _Really_ lonely.”

“I think you better get some food in you,” Cato whispers in my ear. “Also, just so you know, there are a couple of sets of eyes on you.”

Looking up, I see Gale watching me, his grey eyes pained. I haven’t called, texted, or even looked at him this whole time.

I’m not sure how prepared I am for our inevitable talk, but I know it will happen soon.

My eyes meet another dark pair that are watching me curiously. I’m suddenly aware of how close Cato is to me, how his hand rests a little too close to mine at the table.

I realize the reason why I’m so bothered by all of this.

It looks like I’m taken.                                                                                                                                                                   

I don’t want to be—well, not by Cato, anyway.

++++++

I follow the music. The same tune that led me into the party leads me back into the house.

Everyone else is still outside getting wasted, except for Annie, who occupies herself by recording our friends on her phone for her own enjoyment or for ransom, I’m not sure which. I lost Cato to the scary gynecologists and one cute pediatrician who he’ll probably leave with.

My feet are killing me, so as soon as I’m inside—I take off my heels and walk toward the music.

Going to the living room, I find Adina and Haymitch sitting on her piano chair, except that it’s not her playing—it’s _him_.

I walk quietly towards them as Adina looks over the sheet music before turning the page for him. She gives me a smile but doesn’t say a word—she only watches him play, recognizing when he might need a page to be moved or adjusted.

I don’t want to break their spell, so I just lean against the piano in silent observation. His fingers move fluidly over the keys, instinctually knowing how to create the soft whisper of a note or a sharp echo of sound.

It’s really beautiful to watch something created just by his touch.

“I didn’t know you could play,” I say breathlessly.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me,” he replies, meeting my eyes. “I really just learned this; Adina taught me.”

“He’s much better,” Adina says. “It took me a few days to get this, but he got it just like that.” She watches as he quickly glides his fingers down the ivory keys. “You have to teach me that trick, Haymitch.”

“Where is this song from?” I ask.

“Dad and I have been playing ‘ _Final Fantasy VII_ ’—you know, the usual father-daughter bonding—and I got a little obsessed with this tune,” she explains. “So Dad got the sheet music for me.”

I love the way she constantly says ‘Dad’, like she can’t get enough of the word. I remember how much she wanted him to be there during her birthdays or Christmas when she was younger. It was hard to see her so sad sometimes—her eyes looked so lost, so empty.

Those were the only times that I found myself angry at Katniss.

“What’s it called?”

“ _Aerith’s Theme_.”

“Who is Aerith?”

“She’s a character in the game,” Adina explains as she turns the page for Haymitch again without missing a beat. “The main character, Cloud, returns home feeling a little bit like a failure since he didn’t make the rank he wanted as a soldier, and it’s left him broken and disheartened. Then he meets Aerith, a flower merchant, in a church.”

My eyes lock briefly with Haymitch’s as she recounts the story for me. His hands dance effortlessly across the keys like he’s played this song a million times.

I have to wonder just how experienced those hands are.

Shaking out of the heated haze in my mind, I focus back on Adina.  “So do they fall in love or something?”

“Aerith obviously cares for him and so does he, but it’s not acknowledged until it’s too late,” she says sadly. “She gets killed—and her death becomes the catalyst for him to become something better.”

“I don’t really see it that way,” Haymitch suddenly says and we look at one another. “It wasn’t her death that changed him—it was _her_ and the way she loved him that made himwant to be a better man—a hero even.”

“When did you become such an expert on these things?” I dare to ask.

“I’m not,” he mutters, his eyes suddenly focused on the keys in front of him. “I know the feeling, though.”

Haymitch finishes the song and Adina claps softly for him. “That was beautiful.”

“I couldn’t have done it without your help,” he tells her and Adina hugs him. I watch them—two musical peas in a pod —and let the smile grow on my face.

I let my eyes shine thinking about how much I’ll miss her—and even him as well.

Our time together was too brief.

“Hey, Johanna?”

I turn to find myself looking at Gale.

“Do you think we could talk?”

++++++

“Where does Madge think you are?” I ask as I close the door behind us.

We are in my room and Gale looks toward the luggage in the corner of the room. The room is practically bare except for the framed photo of Adina on her first day of Kindergarten that sits on my bedside table.

I realize that this is the first time he’s ever been in my bedroom. Our encounters were always at my old room in Sonoma—surrounded in old memories, as well as our own regrets.

“She knows that I’m here,” he tells me. “She’s the one who told me to talk to you before leaving with Annie and Finnick.” Gale sits in the chair, next to my vanity. I settle on the edge of my bed across from him and watch him toy with his hands.  

Finally, he looks up at me. “I’m guessing that you’re not going to ask me to come with you.”

“You don’t want me to,” I respond simply. “It’s too late.”

“What’s too late?”

“All of it.” I swallow the lump in my throat and turn away from him. Everything that I had planned to say seemed so easy in my head. Now, I can feel the tears beginning to form as I look at him again. “Me and you—just everything we’ve done.”

“Did you ever love me, Johanna?” His voice is already raw with tears.

We never had the final talk, the final goodbye and the final resolution. As much as we hate to admit it—this is our break-up coming full circle.

“Yes, I did,” I tell him. “I thought I was in love with you at one point.”

“What happened to us?” He buries his face in his hands. I walk over and kneel before him. Taking his wrists, I force him to look at me and my heart breaks at seeing the lost look in his eyes.

“We grew up,” I tell him. “You fell in love and we went on with our lives. Before seeing me, I know you were happy with Madge. We were just the one regret in each other’s lives that we needed to fix —we just went about it the wrong way.” I kiss his hands. “We hurt people—we hurt ourselves, and I will always regret that.”

“All I ever wanted was you,” he says, cupping my face. “I dreamt of you every night that first year I was gone.”

“Then why didn’t you come back?”

Gale shrugs. “I was afraid you would turn me away. I said some horrible things to you—and I even believed them at one point,” he says. “Something inside just told me to stay away.”

“You didn’t trust me.” I sit back on my feet. “You never did because I never let you know me. You still don’t know me.” Sighing, I look to the floor as I continue to speak. “After all these months, I’m pretty sure you have every mark on my body memorized and vice-versa. But I can’t ask you whether you know my favorite color or my favorite book. I don’t even think you can tell when I’m lying or telling the truth.”

I meet his eyes. “Did you ever love me, Gale?”

“I love the girl who would steal my flannels, and dance in the park.” His eyes glow with memories. “The girl who would braid Posy’s hair and make pancakes for Rory and Vick. The girl who would lie in my arms in bed as I listened to the rain on the ceiling of my old room—she always had a smile that was for me and only me.”

“She’s not here anymore,” I choke out. “She grew up a long time ago, and I think that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“What?”

“You’re afraid of growing up because it means you have to let us go—your unfinished business. The thought is terrifying—because the unknown has always scared you.”

Gale crumbles before me. “Why couldn’t we ever just get it together?”

His question echoes into the heavy, mournful air.

I find myself breaking, my head falling with the weight of my tears. “The timing was just never right.” The words come out through my sobs. “But I want to give you up now! I’m ready to let you go, as much as it hurts, and I know you feel the same way, too.”

Gale pulls me close to him, his hands wrapping around my wrists as he watches my broken form.

“How can I give someone up that is such a big part of me?”

I rest my head against his chest, listening to the beat of his heart as his breath quakes. We are barely breathing, but it’s too late for us to go back on everything we’ve said.

Calming myself, I pull away and cup his cheek with my hand. His face isn’t even the same to me.

When we were together, my eyes —or maybe my heart—would make me see his younger self with his sweet eyes and smooth skin, not the hard-jawed man in front of me.

“You and I both know that I’m not that person,” I reply quietly. “We were barely in each other’s lives but for a moment. When we were finally together, we destroyed each other. Love shouldn’t be like that, at least not in my book.”

“But there was something—“

“Passion, I agree; we definitely had that, but it eventually burns up. Then where would we be?” I take his face in my hands. “I think you know that’s all we have. You don’t know me. You barely know yourself.”

We stare into one another’s eyes for a long while, trying to see if there are any remnants of what we once shared. I’m not disappointed when I see nothing of that sort in his eyes. I only see tiredness, as well as acceptance that there is nothing left but the hope of a friendship, something that we should have tried to have long before any of this.

“What now?” he finally asks me.

“See what’s in front of you, Gale.” I press my forehead to his. “Because she sure as hell put up a fight for you.”

He smiles, even glows a bit at the thought, before meeting my eyes again. “And what about you?”

“I don’t know and I think I like it that way.”

I press my lips to his chastely, tasting our tears and our farewells.

“Goodbye, friend.”

++++++

**_Wednesday, February 20, 2013 5:00PM_ **

_Napa, California_

The Hawthornes left this morning.

Gale made up some excuse about wanting to get back before Friday because their contractor would be coming; he wanted Madge to look over the house before his visit.

We all knew better.

They couldn’t fix their marriage while the rest of the world was in the picture.

“You look like you need this.”

I look up to see Peeta holding out a glass of wine for me, and I take it gratefully. He sits next to me at the round table and we both look out at the vineyard. “Rough night, huh?”

Soon after Gale had left, Katniss was in my room letting me cry in her arms. She could always tell when I needed her—just like a mother would. This time, however, Adina joined us—rubbing my back as I sobbed.

I think she needed to see how it felt to let someone go—how hard being a grown-up can be sometimes.

I hope it makes her stronger to see me so weak.

“Rough night? More like rough life,” I reply as I take a sip of the chilled wine. It quickly soothes my nerves. “Not exactly the way I wanted my party to end. Thanks for throwing it, by the way.”

“It was really Katniss and Adina,” he says easily. “I was only there to execute and take pictures.” He suddenly reaches behind his chair and pulls out a gift bag. “Speaking of pictures, I have a going-away present for you.”

I take the bag eagerly and beam at him. “You sneak! Why are you trying to suck up to me?”

“It’s a thank you for taking such good care of our girls,” Peeta tells me. “I know you’ll be back for Adina’s graduation but like you said, you get lonely sometimes.” I pull the tissue out of the bag. “I didn’t mean to take this photo, but I just happened to pass by while it was happening—“

“Those are the best kind,” I remark excitedly.

Pulling out the black frame, I look at black and white photo of Adina, Haymitch and I at the piano. All of us with smiles on our faces as we speak to one another in the photo.

“This was when Adina started telling me about Aerith.”

I touch Adina’s face in the photo; she looks so grown-up and my eyes water at the sight of her. When she finally goes to Juilliard, she is going to do great things.

That’s how Katniss raised her—to never limit herself and not hide from the world. To not be like us.

My finger traces briefly over Haymitch’s face—he left right after Gale called for me. Part of me is embarrassed, because it was clear to everyone what needed to be sorted out.

I can only imagine what he must think of me.

I meet Peeta’s eyes. “Thank you,” I say in a small voice and put the frame back into the bag. “You’ll take care of our girls, right?”

“With my life,” he assures me.

“I don’t expect any less.”

“Looks like we’re missing the party.”

I turn to see Thresh and Finnick heading in our direction. They plop themselves in the chairs across from us and place their bottles of beers on the table.

“Do you want one?” Finnick offers and holds out his beer.

“Are you trying to booze me up?” I ask. “I need to be fresh and beautiful looking for my long journey, you know.”

“There’s a funny smell coming from the kitchen—Annie and Katniss are trying to cook,” Thresh informs me. “Mixing drinks might be your best friend.”

“Adina and Teddy are watching them, right?” I take another sip of wine when Finnick shakes his head.

“Those two are watching some trashy reality show in the den,” he informs me.

“Your husband is ruining my daughter’s mind letting her watch that crap,” Peeta tells Thresh.

“Please, my brother, if anyone has ruined her mind—it’s that one over there.” Thresh nods over at me. “Why don’t you tell Peeta about your ‘birds and the bees’ talk with Adina?”

“She was thirteen, curious and wondering why she didn’t have boobs,” I respond with a glare. “I just told her that sometimes it takes a little longer for those things to happen.”

“You also showed her how to stuff her bra.”

I snort. “I remember that now—socks went missing for weeks.” Looking over at Peeta, I give him a smile. “It didn’t last long, and eventually Adina got boobs.”

“I don’t want to know about that,” he responds with a buzzed smile. “Did you tell my daughter anything else?”

I think for a moment. “I told her that her first time would probably suck but the more she did it, the better it would _probably_ get,” I inform him. “Katniss actually liked her first time so she has a warped point-of-view, but I know better.”

“And what exactly do you know?” Finnick says, his eyes already glazed from the alcohol.

“Sometimes it’s not the experience that makes it good,” I finish off my glass and Peeta fills it again. “It’s the person.”

Thresh, Finnick and Peeta raise their glasses to me and I feel the hair on the back of my neck rise as I lift my own.

Finnick’s drunken eyes brighten as he looks behind me. “Hey, Haymitch.”

I can’t even look as I hear the empty chair next to me being pulled out as he sits down. “Hey, everyone.”  Finally, I look over and see him trying not to laugh at my warm—and I’m pretty sure—crimson face. “Hello, Johanna.”

“Hello.” For the first time in a long time, I’m suddenly unsure of myself—shy even. “What are you doing here?”

“Finnick always invites me over when Annie cooks,” he tells me. “Because he knows that I’m too nice and will actually try to eat whatever it is.”

“You’re in for a treat,” I inform him with a smile. ”Because Katniss is helping her and she is worse.”

“Fuck,” he says. “Where’s the booze?”

I offer my glass to him. “Take mine.”

We stare at one another for a moment before Haymitch finally takes my glass, our fingers barely brushing during the exchange.

“Thanks,” he says and unknowingly takes a sip from the spot where my lips have already marked the glass.

The rush coursing through my veins has me jumping from my seat to go check on Katniss and Annie and avoiding everyone’s eyes.

++++++

“Thanks for coming,” I tell Haymitch at the front door. “You really didn’t have to eat any of that.”

“You were definitely right about Katniss’ cooking—it’s pretty bad,” he replies with a gruff laugh.

“She has Peeta—they’re going to be fine. He’ll take care of her.”

“Who takes care of you?” he asks suddenly.

“I don’t need anyone to take care of me,” I tell him. “You know that.” Haymitch gazes at me for a long moment before finally nodding.

“Are you going to see me off tomorrow?” I try to hide the hopefulness in my voice.

His eyes are suddenly somber and he shakes his head. “I can’t.”

My eyes are suddenly watering and I bite my lip to stop it from happening. The pounding in my chest has dropped to my stomach, causing it to twist unpleasantly.

“Why?” I manage to croak out.

“Because—“ I meet his tender stare. “It would be too hard for me to say goodbye.”

“Haymitch…” I reach to cup his cheek and he captures my wrist in his hand, turning his head to place a soft kiss into my palm.

I am drowning and floating at the same time.

“Promise me that you’ll take care of yourself,” he says quietly. “If you ever need anything, call—and I will come for you.”

I nod because words just don’t seem good enough for this moment. Haymitch opens the door to leave.

“Wait!” Opening the entryway closet, I pull out the gift bag that Peeta had given me earlier. “I want you to have this.”

Haymitch pulls out the photo and stares at it, his thumb briefly brushing over my face.

“For whenever you miss me,” I tell him, trying to sound light.

He looks up, and I don’t need to ask what he is feeling.

Something inside already knows.

++++++

**_Thursday, February 21, 2013 4:00PM_ **

_San Francisco International Airport_

“Ma’am?” I turn away from the plane’s window to look at the flight attendant. “We should be taking off in a few minutes. “Don’t forget to fasten your seatbelt.”

I smile at her and nod before snapping the flap into the buckle.  Outside, I can see that the sun is already beginning to set in the city.

I’m going to miss this place. I’m going to miss my family.

Our goodbye breakfast was so full of tears that even Peeta’s scones couldn’t get our two girls out of their funk. I reminded him to stay strong, especially when dealing with them—those two can be very persuasive in getting their way.

He could only nod, but I know he’ll fold when it comes down to it.

I do the same every time.

Thresh and Teddy were the ones who brought me to the airport since Adina was at school and Katniss had to work.

I reminded the two men to take care of each other as we said our goodbyes, and Thresh told me that they were making plans to move back.

“We’ve been sending out adoption applications,” he whispered into my ear as we hugged. “I want to raise our child in my hometown.”

Everyone is moving on—and moving about.

I know that when I come back in a few months, things will be different, as they should be.

We all have to change—even me.

Maybe I will be happier.

“I think you’re in my seat.”

Looking up, I see Haymitch standing in the aisle, his lips in a straight line, though I can see the laughter in his eyes as he watches me process.

I remain in shock as he takes the seat next to mine and puts his seatbelt on.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I finally sputter out.

“I’ve never been to Honduras,” he replies simply.

“Okay.” I nod, still a little gobsmacked. “How did you manage to get on _this_ plane?”

“Finnick owed me. And when you only have a carry-on bag and yourself, security checks can go relatively fast,” he informs me before settling back into his seat.

The plane begins to push back from the gate and I see him tense up in his seat, his hand gripping the arm rest between us.

My lips perk up at seeing the man in front of me so nervous, so unsure—just like I am.

“I fucking hate these small planes,” he suddenly mutters. “Or maybe flying altogether.”

“How did you even get to Finnick’s wedding without flying?”

“I was in Oregon. I have a place up there—so I just drove down.” Haymitch turns to me. “Maybe when we come back for Adina’s graduation, we can take a trip up there.”

A small thrill runs through me and I nod. “Sounds perfect.”

We go silent again as the plane begins to move down the runway so we can begin our ascent. 

“You know,” I tell him as I look into his eyes. “If you’re scared, you can always hold my hand.” I offer my hand to him and Haymitch doesn’t hesitate to take it, entwining our fingers as he does.

“If you’re ever tired,” he responds softly. “You can rest your head on my shoulder.”

My head finds its place against him and he kisses my temple. I smile as I close my eyes, smelling the familiar scent of mint and aftershave.

Maybe _we_ will be happy.

* * *

 

One of my favorite chapters to write, I hope you enjoyed it as well.

Did it all go the way I thought it would? Definitely not. I actually had Madge as a much softer character but somehow she became quite the opposite. She’s not a loud one, per se, but she’s definitely a fighter.

Also, Cato was not supposed to appear at all, but I like him being a sort of a boy-version of Johanna. It almost makes sense why he and Katniss got together, since she is so close to Johanna—almost like a partner.

‘Aerith’s Theme’ is from the RPG game, _Final Fantasy VII_ , as are the characters—Cloud and Aerith. I have a bit of an obsession with _Final Fantasy_ music—there is a song that I just heard that Adina will be singing in a later chapter. My husband has been slowly learning _Aerith’s Theme_ on his keyboard and somehow the scene written in was created because of him.

For some reason, it gave me that feeling of that one moment when you realize you’re in love with someone who is right in front of you. Fitting for Johanna and Haymitch, I think.

We will see them again in a few chapters—and I think you will find both of them much happier.

As for Gale and Madge, they have their own journey and I think you will be surprised when they also return. Let’s just say that it was a long road to redemption for Gale—Madge didn’t let him off easy.

I have one-shots plans for both pairings. Any suggestions are welcome, too.

Greetings, reviews and comments are welcome on Tumblr, FF, and AO3.

Next: Peeta 2013

Until then, JLaLa


	32. Chapter Thirty-Two: 2013

It’s time to get back to some Peeta!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my darling beta, for her awesome skills!

_“I'm the one who wants to be with you_  
 _Deep inside I hope you feel it too_  
 _Waited on a line of greens and blues_  
 _Just to be the next to be with you…”_

_-Mr. Big “To Be With You” (1991)_

Again

Part Four, Chapter Thirty-Two: 2013

**_Friday, March 1, 2013_ **

“So do you think he’ll want to come?” Adina asks me as she nervously toys with her braid.

We sit on the couch in our living room, my daughter next to me, her feet tucked under her as I read over the program for Adina’s spring recital once more. I grin to myself because written at the top of the program are the words, ‘ _Adina June Everdeen—Soloist_ ’.

“He’s your grandfather,” I reply and give her a comforting smile. “Of course he’s going to want to come to your recital. After all, you’re the reason that he is making his big trip back to the Bay Area—he hasn’t been here since I left for college.”

Adina nods after a moment, contemplating my words and meeting my eyes. “I just want him to like me.”

“Come here.” I hold out my arms and my daughter rushes into my embrace. Pulling her closer, I kiss the top of her head, smelling her flowery shampoo, and smile into her hair. “What’s this all about? I’ve never seen you so unsure of yourself.”

“I don’t know,” she mumbles into my chest. “It was all so natural with you and me. What if it’s not with him?”

“It wasn’t that natural with us at first, remember? You were pretty pissed at me,” I tell her and she giggles. I warm at the tinkle of her laughter because Katniss often tells me that her laugh is just like mine. I’m starting to see it, especially when Adina finds something really funny—she does sound like me.

I realize that the reason I’ve never noticed before is because I can’t recall a time in my life when I’ve laughed so much or as hard as she has.

“We got over it,” I continue. “Now I can’t imagine a life without you in it, sweetheart. So please don’t worry so much—he is going to love you.”

Adina pulls away after a moment, her slate eyes damp as she smiles softly. “Thanks for telling me that, Dad.” She looks over at me and I can see her cheeks darken. “When I was a kid, I used to imagine that you were hiding in the audience during these things. I’d tell myself that I had to play my best, be the best, and maybe… just maybe, at the end of my performance, you’d be standing there, clapping the loudest.” Looking down at her hands, I can see that she is mimicking Katniss’ anxious behavior. “But you were never there.”

“I would’ve been there if I knew,” I reply softly, stopping my anger from rising. It’s still hard not to be angry at Katniss sometimes. There’s no point to anger, however, because it won’t get me anywhere. It will only hold me back—hold our family back from any sort of progression.

“I knew what I was getting myself into,” Adina tells me. “I was barely getting into Kindergarten when I found out about you and even then, I knew we weren’t ready. There were times when I was so angry with Mom, and there were other times when I was okay. She took it all, the yelling and the tantrums. Once, I even told her that I would run away to find you and never come back.”

I’m shocked to hear this—Katniss and Adina’s relationship is so close-knit. “Why would you say that to her?”

“Because I was twelve, and I wanted to hurt her for not letting me go to a school dance,” she says shamefully. “It was the same day that Uncle Thresh grounded me, and Auntie Jo-Jo stayed up all night in Mom’s room. I could hear her crying in her room and I felt horrible.” Her eyes fill with tears. “I woke up to find her running her hand through my hair and I remembered that she once said to me that she’d never leave—even if I told her to go away.”

“We both love you, Adina.” I take her hand. “We aren’t perfect, but we try because we want to be the best parents for you—and the best for each other.”

“I know.” She takes a deep breath and gives me a reassuring smile. “I’m really happy that you’re coming to my recital, too, you know.”

I kiss her forehead.  “I promise to clap the loudest.”

++++++

“I think we should let Adina come with us to some of our sessions,” I tell Katniss later that night as we pull back the comforter on our bed.

She looks at me thoughtfully for a moment. “Do you think she’s ready? Better yet, do you think you’re ready?” Katniss crawls onto her side and I follow suit. Lying back, she easily finds her place in the nook of my shoulder and I wrap my arm around her. It is comforting that we’ve found our own little routines with one another. “We say a lot of things that we don’t mean to say in those sessions. Let’s admit that a lot of it is not very pleasant.”

“Maybe she needs to hear it,” I tell her. “She’s growing up, Katniss, and she barely knows me. I want her to know me and hopefully love me, flaws and all. I’m afraid that Adina puts me on a pedestal and when she realizes how imperfect I am, I’ll be nothing but a disappointment.”

Katniss pushes herself up so that she can look at me. “There is nothing you can tell us that is going to change the way we feel.” She goes back to her nook and takes my hand. “I love you, Peeta. It’s not the same as when we were younger, it’s better. We’ve learned about some of our quirks and we’re growing together. It could only get better if we bring Adina in.”

I look down and our lips meet softly. Katniss sighs and I deepen the kiss, letting my tongue caress hers in a languid dance. Pulling her closer, I can feel her heart pounding against my chest, or maybe it’s my own heart mirroring hers.

This is how I know that I was always meant to be with her; sometimes I don’t know where I end and she begins.

Pulling away, I brush back her dark hair, tucking some of it behind her ear. “One day, I’m going to marry you.”

She smiles up at me. “And when will that be?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, but I know it will happen. It just has to be right.”

“We have our whole lives to wait for when it’s right,” she tells me. “I think we like it like this.” Nodding in agreement, I pull her closer to kiss the spot behind her neck that causes her voice to go an octave lower and make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. “I guess we’d better enjoy tonight since your Dad is arriving tomorrow.”

I turn suddenly, my hard chest pressing against her soft one and our eyes meet, her own reflecting the want in mine.

“I guess we should,” I agree before our lips meet again.

++++++

**_Saturday, March 2, 2013_ **

**San Francisco International Airport**

“Peeta!”

I look over at the luggage carousel across from me to see my Dad. I turn to look at Katniss and she nods with a smile before letting go of my hand.

She and Adina hang back as I rush over to him and he engulfs me in a tight hug. My dad hasn’t aged much, though his hair is lighter on the sides. However, I see a sad knowledge in his eyes, gained from the loss of a wife and almost losing a son.

“Dad,” I greet him as we embrace. My eyes water at the scent of the San Diego sun and sand. My mother loved the beach and whenever he finds a good one, he’ll walk along it for her. “It’s been too long.”

He laughs thickly. “Too damn long,” he responds. “I can see that you brought along some very pretty company.”

“I think Katniss is a little afraid,” I say quietly. “She’s worried that you’ll be mad at her for not telling me about Adina.”

My Dad pulls back and searches my eyes before nodding to himself. “Maybe you weren’t ready for them until now,” he replies and puts an arm around me as we walk towards them. Katniss and Adina cling to one another and I turn to see my Dad grinning. “They look almost identical, but Adina has your mother’s smile—your smile.”

“I know,” I say, my lips forming into a grin as we find ourselves face-to-face with my girls. “Dad, you know Katniss.”

“Hello, sweetie.” He gives her a friendly smile and holds his arms out to her. “You look all grown up compared to the last time I saw you.”

“The last time you saw me, I was wearing baggy jeans and a bandana,” Katniss replies with a tentative smile before rushing into his arms. “It’s been too damn long, Mr. Mellark.”

“Tom,” he corrects her. “You had my grandbaby. I think you can probably call me Tom, or maybe even Dad.” She pulls away blushing and he gives her a wink.

“Real subtle, Pops.” I walk to Adina and put an arm around her. “And this is our Adina.”

My Dad turns to look at her, his eyes soft as he looks over his first grandchild.

“Hello,” she greets him shyly.

He walks towards her and I see his eyes mist. “My goodness, you’re lovely. You look just like your grandmother.”

Adina brightens at his words. “Really?” My Dad reaches for her as she does the same and suddenly they are in each other’s arms, her head against his chest as he kisses the top of her head. “I wish I could’ve met her.”

“She would have fallen in love with you at first sight,” he says in a choked voice. “Just like I have.”

Adina looks up at him and smiles, her own eyes wet with tears. “Will you tell me about her, Grandpa?” My Dad nods quickly, inhaling his tears as he stares at her face. I recall my first time meeting Adina, how I couldn’t get over the perfect mixture of myself and Katniss, and feel my own eyes water.

‘’Look at them…” I turn to see Katniss beside me and reach for her hand. She looks at me sadly. “I’m sorry that they haven’t met sooner.”

“It doesn’t matter now,” I assure her as I wrap an arm around her waist to pull her close. “We are moving forward. They have plenty of time to get to know each other.”

I quickly press my mouth to hers and as we pull away, Katniss smiles tenderly.

“I love you,” she whispers against my lips.

“Love you back.” It feels good to tell her how I feel. We know that every day changes, and although we might be fighting or arguing tomorrow, this feeling won’t change.

“Are they always like that?”

We turn to see my father and Adina staring at us with identical smirks.

“They’re worse sometimes,” Adina informs him, a glint in her eyes. “Trust me, I have stories.”

++++++

“How are you?”

Taking a sip of my beer, I turn to him and nod. “I’m better.”

After dinner, Dad and I decided to hang out in the den. Katniss and Adina are poking around in Katniss’ closet for Adina’s recital dress. My Dad has, of course, accepted our daughter’s invitation and now she is excited for this particular concert. The two of us will be seeing her perform for the first time, so now she wants to look extra special.

“Have you been taking your meds? Checking in with your doctors?” my father asks carefully,

“Of course,” I tell him quickly. “I call my doctor in New York and give my blood pressure readings. Katniss and I are also talking to a counselor here to help with our relationship. I keep up with my meds.”

“Good,” he says and takes a sip from his own bottle. “Does Katniss know that you’re taking something for your anxiety?”

I nod. “She’s seen the bottle on our bathroom counter and is familiar with the drug. She was on the same one for a while until it disrupted her anti-depressant.”

“When—”

“After Adina was born,” I inform him. “She had a hard time dealing with having a baby and then finding out that she was infertile. Plus, her mother had left about a year before that—and I wasn’t there.”

“Does she know about Glimmer? Cinna?”

I close my eyes; her sunny smile and his light laugh surround me. I miss them every day.

“She knows of them.” I look over at him. “I’m not quite ready to share them yet.”

“You mean you’re not ready to face them,” he replies. “Katniss loves you; I see it in how she looks at you. She deserves to know all of you, just like you should know all of her. It will hold you back if you don’t say anything.”

“I know…I know…” I place my glass on the coffee table. “We’ve just been so happy and I’m afraid of ruining it—of losing her and losing them.” I turn to him. “I _can’t_ lose them because as painful as it was to lose Glimmer and Cinna, losing them would be the end of me. I don’t work without them.”

“Peeta, they are your family now, and they will love you like I love you,” he tells me. “With admiration and pride. You’re stronger than you think.”

“I won’t be if I lose them.”

++++++

**_Wednesday, March 6, 2013, 3:00AM_ **

_She’s laughing at me, her golden hair tickling my face as she bends her face closer to mine. Glimmer was always a tease and she knew that I had a crush on her._

_Sometimes she took advantage of it._

_“Open your eyes,” she whispers in my ear._

_So I do._

_The world is falling apart in front of me. Concrete shaking and dust in the air—Glimmer is screaming but I can’t see her because of all the smoke around me. I feel people rushing past me and my throat constricts._

_I just want to disappear and let them overtake me._

_“Peeta.”_

_I turn to see Cinna in front of me. His clothes are covered in dust and there’s blood on his temple. He gives me a smile._

_“Open your eyes.”_

I shoot up in bed and find Katniss is pulling me to her. My skin is clammy and I can see my tears have created a wet spot on her shirt. I’m embarrassed—in the months that I’ve been here, I’ve never had a nightmare like this.

They hadn’t come since before I came to San Francisco. I’m gasping and sobbing at the same time. I can’t breathe and try to push away but Katniss won’t let me; she holds on tighter.

“It’s okay,” Katniss whispers into my ear. “I’m here.” Our eyes meet and I see the worry in hers. Guilt floods my insides. “Are you okay?”

I nod. “Did I say anything?”

“You said their names,” she tells me, her eyes heavy. “Then you were screaming and crying. I told you to open your eyes and you did.”

Our bedroom door opens and light from the hallway floods in. We turn to see Adina and my Dad in the doorway. Adina looks scared; I’m sure she was listening in the hallway as I screamed.

I meet Katniss’ eyes. “Don’t let her see me like this,” I ask desperately.

She nods in understanding. I have a feeling that Adina has seen her in a similar state or something just as bad. Hopping out of our bed, she walks over to Adina and, putting an arm around her, leads her out into the hallway.

Dad approaches me carefully and sits at the corner of our bed. It’s like I’m back in New York and he is coming in after I’ve woken up for the fifth time in the same night.

“Has this happened before?” he asks wearily.

“Not since I’ve come back—not since I’ve been with her,” I reply tiredly and put my head in my hands. “What do I do?”

“You can’t act like you’re okay.” Dad looks over my hunched figure. “You should tell them about Glimmer and Cinna—about everything. It wasn’t an easy time and you just can’t bury it all inside of you. It’s too much to handle by yourself.”

“I know.”

“We know.” I look up to see Katniss in the doorway. “Adina has gone back to sleep, but she has questions.” Walking over to me, she stands next to the bed and reaches over to run her hand through my hair as her eyes search mine. “As do I. I hope that one day you’ll be able to answer them.”

“You’re in good hands,” Dad comments as he stands up from his spot. “Get some rest if you can.” He pats Katniss’ shoulder before going to the door and closing it behind him.

She remains standing, her eyes looking over my weary form. I can see how worried Katniss is; I think it surprises her how I’ve become so closed off over the years.

When we were younger, I was the open one.

Things change, however.

“I wish I knew what to do,” she tells me after a moment. “And it scares me that I don’t.”

I look up at her. “Why?”

“Because I always saw myself as the one who kept secrets.” Katniss sits next to me, her hand reaching for mine. “There’s something inside of you that I don’t know about. In therapy, you skirt over your own story and let our sessions become more about me.”

“I only wanted to help—“

“I know,” she replies quickly. “But I can’t help feeling that we’re focusing on my issues to avoid yours.”

I straighten up, examining her. Her aged grey eyes look at me warily, sadly even, and her haunted stare is further emphasized by the innocence of her bare face.

I reach to cup her cheek, and the question comes out without meaning to.

“After you know everything, will you still love me?”

Her mouth falls open in shock, and she gasps trying to process what I have just asked. I can see the pain and the confusion in her eyes, but they suddenly harden as they focus on me.

“Peeta, I may do or say a lot of things that don’t make sense, but don’t you ever doubt that I love you for one minute! I’ve loved you since the moment I met you and that’s the only thing that has not and will never change.”

Katniss is beyond hurt and I did that to her. What kind of man am I? How could I hurt the one person that I’ve never stopped loving despite everything?

Pulling her onto our bed, I wrap an arm around her shoulders. She huffs at me before settling in-between my legs and I press my lips to her temple.

“You can be really romantic when you want to be,” I say to her.

“I have my moments,” she responds softly, her head resting against my chest.

We are quiet for a moment, enjoying the feel of ourselves nestled together and protected from the fears of tomorrow.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I’m scared—I’ve waited so long for you and for us to happen that I’m afraid that it will all be taken away from me in a blink of an eye. It’s happened to me before and it can happen again.”

“I have the same fears,” she admits to me. “But we can’t live in that cycle anymore, not if we ever want to be together, and I want this chance for us to make it happen. We’ve come this far, together and apart. I need you for whatever else happens in our lives.”

“You need me?”

“That’s all you got from what I said?” Katniss laughs as she buries her face back into the nook of my arm.

“That’s all I needed to hear,” I reply, my eyes suddenly heavy as I lay back against my pillow with her against me. “To feel needed—to be a tiny part in your life and Adina’s.”

She yawns tiredly, but I hear her faint whisper as I fall back into a peaceful slumber.

“You were never just a tiny part in our lives, you are every part.”

++++++

**_Thursday, March 7, 2013, 4:00PM_ **

**Bay Area Counseling-San Francisco Chapter**

“I have to admit,” Dr. Aurelius says to us. “I was a bit apprehensive about letting Adina into your sessions. However, since you’ve expressed that you think she is ready to hear what you say, then I am open to letting her come to this session.” He looks at Adina, who sits in-between Katniss and me. “Adina, why did you decide to come here?”

“Curiosity, mostly,” she tells him. “I’ve been a spectator in this drama that is my parents’ lives for as long as I can remember. Everyone is always saying that when I’m ready, they’ll tell me. I’m ready now.”

“You might feel like you are, but can you handle the thought of your parents saying things that might sound hurtful—especially to each other,” the doctor counters. “Things that might make your father angry or things that might make your mother cry?”

“I’ve heard my Mom cry before,” Adina tells him softly, her dark eyes heavy. “I’ve heard it all my life.”

I look over at Katniss and see her joined hands begin to tremble. My hand reaches over to squeeze her shoulder. Our daughter is handling herself very well, but something in me says that it is only a matter of time before it all comes out.

God only knows how it will go down and who will go down with it.

Adina looks over at Katniss and then at me before meeting Dr. Aurelius’ eyes once more.

“I remember a lot,” she continues. “Sometimes Mom would cry and then my Auntie Jo-Jo had to take me to school. Or my grandfather had to go to the parent-teacher meetings sometimes because Mom wouldn’t be up for it. I got in trouble once by my Auntie Prim because I tried to read one of Mom’s prescription bottles so I could look up what it did.”

“So did you ever find out what the bottle said?” Dr. Aurelius asks curiously, his pen resting against his fingers. He hasn’t written anything down the whole time that Adina has been speaking.

“Zoloft.” It comes out in a whisper. “Nobody wanted to tell me the reason that my Mom didn’t get out of bed sometimes. Or why she cried. It was too hard for anyone in my family to admit that she was depressed.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Everyone was worried that she could only be pushed so hard. I know Mom better than anyone else.” She looks at Katniss and takes her hand. “She is stronger than she believes, and even at her worst, she has never neglected me or made me feel any less than loved.”

“Are there any other reasons for you wanting to come?” Dr. Aurelius asks her once again.

She nods. “I want to know my father,” she replies and then turns to me. “I want to know what kept you from getting on a plane and finding Mom. You tell me that you love her—that you’ve always loved her. Why didn’t you ever call? Why didn’t you ever find her?”

“Adina, it’s not that easy—” I feel my heart hitch at the harshness in her voice.

“It could’ve been! Mom was busy trying to raise me, but you could’ve come back. You could’ve fought harder!”

“Sweetie, I told him to leave!” Katniss tells her quickly. “You know the story—I didn’t say anything about you! I even said that I loved someone else just to make him go away. Don’t put it all on him—”

Adina turns to me. “Was it because of _her_? Did _she_ make you stay in New York?” Her voice is venomous.

Katniss and I glance at each other, and we both know that this is the head of Adina’s long seated repression. There is nothing we can do now but let her bring it out—come hell or high-water.

“Who are you talking about?”

I reach to take her hand, and she jumps from her seat as though it burns, turning to me quickly.

“Glimmer. The name you were screaming in the middle of the night about a day ago. The name that I heard Uncle Thresh and Auntie Jo-Jo whisper whenever Mom wasn’t around. Was it because of her that you never came to find us?”

“Of course not! Glimmer knew about your mother—she knew how I felt about her,” I argue, though I know it sounds weak coming from my mouth. I feel myself faltering under Adina’s gaze—she really has Katniss’ stare with a pinch of Johanna’s anger in it. “There were so many times that I wanted to call or to get on a plane—”

“Then why didn’t you?” Her question hangs in the silent air and I can hear my heart beating in my ears. “I know you never got married and there were never any other children, but you were with Glimmer, weren’t you?” Adina looks down at me accusingly. “YOU WERE TRYING TO REPLACE MY MOTHER WITH HER!”

I jump up from my seat, my own temper suddenly snapping. “I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! NOT ONCE WAS YOUR MOTHER EVER FAR FROM MY MIND!”

Katniss is pushing down Adina back to sit in her spot before she goes to me. She takes my face in her hands and presses her forehead to mine. I struggle to let out my breath and take in some deep ones for her sake.

I look over at Adina once more. Her face is flushed in anger and she meets my stare.

“This other woman is special though, isn’t she?” Adina asks through her clenched teeth. She can’t even say, Glimmer, because she is too angry. “You wanted her to love you—to take Mom’s place in your heart, right?”

“No. Glimmer knew that she couldn’t replace your Mom and that’s why it never happened,” I tell her.

“How do I know that she isn’t going to come back and try to ruin our family?” Adina asks me. “How can we be sure that you aren’t just going to take off with her?”

“You have such little faith in me.” My eyes are suddenly full of tears. “Is this what you think of me, Adina? You think that you are replaceable? That you mother is?” I can hear myself begin to blubber. “I-I-never wanted you to feel like that.” I wipe my eyes quickly and meet hers. “If I ever pushed you away, it’s because I can’t stand the thought of losing you—I’ve lost so much already.”

“Dad—” The tone in her voice is suddenly regretful.

Her hand reaches out to me and without thinking, I push it away. Adina’s expression changes to one of sadness as her eyes suddenly become wet and tears spill quickly down her small face.

“You will never have to worry about Glimmer coming to take me away,” I say harshly. “Despite everything you think, your mother is the only woman that I’ve ever been in love with—the only woman I _am_ in love with.”

I stand up, the room’s air suddenly constricting me—and the image of an emaciated body in a hospital bed flashes before my eyes.

“Glimmer is dead.” My girls look up at me, shock on their faces. I’ve skirted around the subject of Glimmer with Katniss and though I think she had the impression that she was gone—she was never quite sure. Adina, however, is coming in cold turkey and quickly learning how much of a nut job her father really is. “So she’s as much of a threat to us as Cato was.”

“Peeta,” Katniss starts.

The walls begin to close in on me and I’m back in that old building, with dust in my lungs and eyes.

I need to get out of here.

“I can’t be here. I have to go.”

Rushing to the door, I rip it open not bothering to look back as I walk out.

++++++

**_Napa, California, 7:00PM_ **

“Hey baby,” Katniss greets me quietly through my cell phone. “Are you okay?”

I smile softly at the sound of her voice.

“I’m okay.” I pause for a moment. “I’m sorry for walking out.”

“No, no—I could tell something wasn’t right. You needed to get out,” she assures me. “I miss you here though. When are you coming home?”

“Soon,” I tell her. “I’m going to sleep over Annie and Finnick’s tonight—give Adina a chance to cool off. Is she okay?”

“Adina is fine,” Katniss replies. “She feels horrible for hurting you. Dr. Aurelius had a little heart-to-heart with her after you left and she cried the whole way back home afterwards. He feels that she should probably come with us for at least one of our bi-weekly sessions.”

“I hate to hear that she was crying,” I whimper into the receiver, my chest tightening at the thought of my daughter in pain. “Does she hate me?”

“Of course not!” Katniss assures me. “Peeta, she loves you so much and I think that’s what prompted the whole outburst. She is just as scared of losing you as you are of losing her.”

I wipe my eyes. “What a pair we are.”

“Cut from the same cloth,” she remarks. “Don’t run from us because we only want to know you. We want to know about the life you had without us. It’s not going to change how we feel because love means taking the good with the bad—you told me that once.”

I smile to myself. “I remember.”

“Don’t forget about tomorrow,” Katniss stops for a moment and takes a breath before continuing. “I know you’re both upset with one another, but I hope you’ll patch things up before then. You being there means more to her than you know.”

“Is she there?” I ask tentatively. “I want to hear her voice.”

“She’s with your Dad,” Katniss tells me. “He took her out for ice cream and I’m sure he wants to know what happened.” She sighs into the phone. “So here I am, all alone in this big house…”

Suddenly I’m longing for her soft body against mine. I realize that I don’t know how to sleep without Katniss anymore.

I groan. “You’re really making me rethink not heading back into the city,” I say into the phone quietly. “Knowing our luck, we’d probably get caught anyway.”

“Caught doing what?” she asks curiously.

“Call me back later tonight, and I’ll tell you.”

++++++

**_Friday, March 8, 2013_ **

I walk slowly down the aisle of the auditorium, searching for Katniss or my Dad. It’s crowded and I nervously weave my way through the crowd of people. The noise is amplified by the high ceiling and boxed structure of the building.

I can’t help but react to every noise, every step. When someone’s child lets out a high-pitched scream, I almost turn to run out of the room.  My hands search my pockets for my phone to call Katniss and I realize that my hands are trembling.

Maybe I can’t do this.

“Peeta!” I turn to see Katniss and my father heading towards me. Katniss reaches for me and I pull her close to me, giving her a quick kiss. “You’re here.”

I meet my father’s questioning eyes and give him a nod. Tonight, I will try to be okay for her and for Adina.

“Of course I am. How’s Adina?”

“Nervous, but she was worried that you wouldn’t come.” We walk down the aisle and find a set of seats close to the stage.

“I’ll sit inside,” my Dad suddenly says and goes to the inner aisle. “I like a center view—better for someone with bad eyes.”

He glances over at me anxiously. I know he is only trying to protect me, but I’m in control.

I have to be.

Katniss sits next to him, leaving me to sit in the seat by the aisle. She takes my hand, giving me a grin.

“Thanks for calling me back last night,” she whispers in my ear, her light daisy perfume teasing my nose.

I kiss the tops of her fingers and smile. “Did you sleep well?”

“Oh, yes.” The overhead lights begin to fade and Katniss turns to me. “Are you ready to hear mediocre instrument playing and off-key singing? Adina being the exception, of course.”

I take a deep breath before giving her a strained smile. “I just want to keep my promise to Adina.”

++++++

As the night goes on, I find my hand reaching for my pocket. The room begins to look smaller and I try not to flinch at every bang.

_I’m not in that building—that building doesn’t exist anymore. It was knocked down when they were trying to get us out—_

“Peeta, are you okay?” Katniss whispers in my ear. “You’re holding my hand pretty hard.”

I let go quickly. “I’m sorry.”

A baby wails in the back of the room and a chill runs through me.

_I’m not there…the man across from me is praying…my injured leg is covered in dust…_

Standing quickly, I step out into the aisle before Katniss or my father can say anything. I have to get out—I can’t breathe. Footsteps of the students on stage chase me and I am rushing out the door of the auditorium, pain suddenly shooting up my leg.

Pushing open the door, I feel the rush of cold air from the open auditorium entrance. Immediately, I begin to count to myself, letting my racing pulse calm down and my breathing even out.

This isn’t New York and nothing is falling apart. The building isn’t going to collapse on me—

“Peeta?” I turn to find Katniss and my Dad in front of me.

“Sorry,” I tell them sheepishly and meet my Dad’s eyes. “I couldn’t breathe.”

Dad nods in understanding; he is used to this. This is all new to Katniss, however. She has seen me angry, but she has never seen me like this—vulnerable and tittering on the brink of a breakdown.

“Have you been keeping up with your medication, Peeta?” my Dad suddenly says to me. “Don’t lie to me this time.”

I shake my head. “No,” I admit and place my hands into my pockets. “In fact, I’ve been tapered off by my doctor for about a year and a half, but they’re on our counter—just in case.”

“Why?” he suddenly bursts out. “You know that it’s okay to take them! It doesn’t make you weak, Peeta—”

“I KNOW!” I meet his eyes. “I don’t need them! Not anymore!”

“What’s in your pocket?” Katniss asks quietly as she approaches me. Her hand goes into the pocket that I have been fishing through and she pulls out the string of beads. Her eyes are confused as she toys with the beautiful jade green stones before focusing on the silver crucifix attached at the end. “A rosary?”

I look up at my Dad and let the tears escape my eyes. “You see? I don’t need the medicine anymore—I have something else to depend on.” I take Katniss’ hand and she tightens her hold on mine. “I have _someone_ else to depend on.”

We are silent as we listen to the applause for the last performer and hear Adina’s name being called out.

“We’d better get inside,” I tell them. “Adina has been waiting for me.”

Dad nods and opens the door so I can walk inside along with Katniss. He pats my shoulder as I pass him.

“I’m proud of you,” he tells me as we walk to an empty wall at the back of the auditorium.

We do not want to disrupt everyone by going back to our seats. I see Adina walking toward the piano. She looks around for a moment, trying to spot us and from where I’m standing, I can see the disappointment in her stance. I have not known my daughter for very long, but I understand her movements. I can recognize when her smile is happy and when it is hiding pain. I can tell between real and fake laughter and I know when she is lying.

Adina is part of me; she has always been with me.

That’s why I don’t need the medications to make me happy or to feel hope again, because _she_ is my hope. I look over at Katniss who smiles softly at me. She is _our_ hope.

I recognize the tune that she is playing immediately-‘ _Pavane’_.

It’s the same tune that led me to her—the siren call that led me into a room where I met a young girl who changed my life. A young girl who turned me into a stronger person, and made me realize that if anything, I was meant to be here to be her Dad.

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I turn to look at Katniss, who watches our daughter with awe in her eyes. “Sometimes I can’t believe that she is ours—how could someone like her be part of me?”

We watch her play flawlessly and I can see that she doesn’t need sheet music because it comes from inside her. Her instincts are like mine. She knows the right notes to play and how to play them just as I know how to find the right angle or how much light to let in through my lens for the perfect picture.

“I know exactly how you feel,” I reply before kissing her. I can see her cheeks darken in the dim room.

As Adina finishes her piece, I can see her beginning to search the room again. I remember what she told me—that she played her best and wanted to be the best because she hoped that I was listening.

When she is done, I am the first to begin the applause before the room erupts in it. I clap continuously and without thought about whether or not my hands will hurt later. I just want her to know that I’m there and I will be there for any other concerts.

She doesn’t need to look anymore.

I will always be here.

Adina spots us at the back of the hall and her lips split into a grin before she curtsies.

I cup my hand to my mouth. “GO ADINA! THAT’S MY DAUGHTER!”

Etiquette aside, we watch her run down the side steps of the stage and I meet her halfway down the aisle, pulling her into my arms. She cries into my shoulder.

“Dad, you’re here…” she sobs. “You’re really here…”

“I promised you I’d clap the loudest, didn’t I?”

++++++

**_Tuesday, March 12, 2013, 4:00PM_ **

**Bay Area Counseling-San Francisco Chapter**

“So where do you want to start?” Dr. Aurelius asks me.

I look to my left and see Katniss, then glance to the right where Adina sits. They both hold my hands, their eyes encouraging and ready to accept anything that I have to say.

“Last night, I told Katniss and Adina about Glimmer—how we met and the kind of person she was. She was lost and I regret not being able to help her. I just couldn’t find that part inside that could make her happy. It took me a long time to realize that there was nothing I could do. Cinna always said that I was looking for Katniss in her. Maybe I was at the beginning--but in the end, when it was too late, I realized that I loved her for her.”

I take a deep breath before continuing.

“I want to talk about that last year—the year that Glimmer died.”

* * *

 

This is a more of Adina/Peeta-centric chapter. While Katniss and Peeta are working toward healing their wounds with one another, I hope readers realize that this story is also about a family healing. Peeta struggles to find his place in their lives and I think there is a parallel with the whole Glimmer story, as he also struggled to find his place in her life.

After the next chapter, which will take place in 1998, I will be posting “September”, an “Again” one-shot which takes place in 2001. I dread reader reaction because it was hard for me to even write.

There are several references to “September” in this chapter, so while they really won’t make sense now, they will later on.

The song _Pavane_ is featured in Chapter Three of “Again” – it is the song that Adina is playing when Peeta first sees her.

I’m sure that many of you are wondering about the phone call with Katniss’ mother from her last chapter. When we get to her present chapter, we will get to the nitty-gritty of Katniss and the former Mrs. Everdeen.

Greeting, feedback, and reviews are always welcome on Tumblr, FF, and AO3.

Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate each and every one of you.

Next: Peeta ’98.

Until then, JLaLa


	33. Chapter Thirty-Three: 1998

Oh boy, here we go...this is not an easy chapter.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for her hard work and support!

_“She only drinks coffee at midnight_   
_When the moment is not right_   
_Her timing is quite, unusual_   
_You see her confidence is tragic, but her_   
_intuition magic…”_

_-Train “Meet Virginia” (1998)_

Again

Part Four, Chapter Thirty-Three: 1998

**_Sunday, March 1, 1998, 3:00PM_ **

_John F. Kennedy Airport, New York_

“Could you look any more desperate?”

I turn to Cinna, scowling at his teasing grin. “I do not look desperate! I just missed her, and I haven’t heard from her in two months.”

“Well, she hasn’t talked to me in that same amount of time but you don’t see me trippin’,” Cinna replies as he watches me look around the crowded baggage claim. “You need to get laid.”

“It’s not about that,” I respond and the grin slides off his face when he sees me frowning. “We haven’t done _that_.”

“Say sex, Peeta,” Cinna responds. “This is probably why you haven’t had sex lately—because you can’t even say the damn word.” He puts an arm around my shoulders and musses my hair. “You mean to tell me that Glimmer hasn’t even given you the ‘Lewinsky’ treatment?”

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” I respond in my best Clinton accent. “Stop teasing me, or I’ll tell her how many times you made me watch _Spice World_.”

“That is cinematic brilliance!” He pulls away and turns to me in mock shock, his hand on his chest. I can’t help but smile at his exuberance. “The clothing, the music, Posh Spice…”

“I’ve always been more of a Baby Spice fan.”

I’m suddenly blinded because soft hands are covering my eyes and the scent of roses teases my nose.

“I wonder why you would like Baby Spice,” a familiar, feminine voice whispers. She nips my ear teasingly and I can hear Cinna chuckle somewhere behind me. “Perhaps it’s because she’s a cute little blonde who likes to wear short dresses?”

“Peeta really likes cute blondes who wear short dresses,” Cinna adds and I hear her giggle.

“Then he’s going to _love_ me.” My eyes are suddenly uncovered and Glimmer stands in front of me – wearing the tightest leather dress I’ve ever seen. I don’t have time to take a good look at her because she’s launching herself into my arms. I wrap my arms around her waist and lift her up. She squeals in my ear as I do. “Peeta, this dress really is that short! You’d better put me down unless you want the rest of JFK to see my vagina!”

I place back on her feet and she is running into Cinna’s arms. The dress really is something to behold, a black leather halter style showing off her creamy back. It barely covers her rear and if Ireally look, I can tell that she isn’t wearing underwear. Turning towards me again, I can see that the front has a sweetheart neckline that enticingly pushes up the breasts she so proudly showed off during our first meeting.

Glimmer personifies sex in that dress.

There’s something else, however—something in her eyes that’s different.

It’s not particularly noticeable to the untrained eye, but she has also lost a huge amount of weight. I’m sure that Cinna can tell; he’s probably taking her measurements in his mind. Glimmer is finally back on her feet, actually her four-inch stilletos, and she takes Cinna’s hand before walking over to me to take my hand.

“So where are you taking me to celebrate my glorious return?” she asks, her big blue eyes shifting between us.

“Maybe we should take you to get some food,” Cinna suggests as he looks her over. “Girlfriend, you are skinny.” He snaps his fingers in her face and she sticks her tongue out at him.

“Cinna, when you get to Paris, like I know you will, you’ll understand how busy it can get,” she informs him. “I hardly had time to eat because I was too busy going from one shoot to another.” Glimmer turns to me and wraps her arms around my neck. “Besides, I’m sure Peeta still enjoys my feminine wiles.” She looks down at her open neckline before meeting my eyes. “Do you think my breasts look any less alluring now that I’m a little lighter?”

“That is a bullshit question, Glimmer!” Cinna can barely keep his laughter in check as he looks at my crimson face. “Those things would hypnotize anyone!”

“Obviously, they wouldn’t entice _you_ ,” she responds with a roll of her eyes. “Now go get my bags, loser.” Glimmer points to the carousel adjacent to us.

He flips her off but walks in the direction of the carousel.

Glimmer turns to me, her eyes serious. “Did you really miss me?”

I tighten my hold on her waist; there is part of me that wants so much to press my lips to hers. At the same time, there is something holding me back.

A sad smile and the flash of a dark braid suddenly sweeps through my mind.

It’s strange how she’ll suddenly cross my mind at random times.

I realize that Glimmer is still staring at me, her eyes watching my own. Something inside tells me that she knows I’ve been thinking about Katniss. Her blue eyes are suddenly solemn and she sags against me, somewhat defeated.

I kiss her temple and she flinches, pulling away as she does. I’m surprised by her reaction, though I know Glimmer is not one who enjoys simple affection.

“Of course I missed you,” I tell her as we walk over to Cinna, who is struggling to grab all of her Louis Vuitton luggage. “Who else is going to drink from my milk carton and then put it back in the fridge?”

She kisses my cheek, batting her dark lashes at me. “If I promise to pay for the milk, will you let me stay with you?”

I groan in fake exasperation. “I see you’re taking over my life already.”

Glimmer suddenly turns to me, a strange expression in her eyes. “I promise I won’t.”

++++++

**_Friday, March 6, 1998, 7:00PM_ **

_Beep-beep! Beep-beep!_

I groan as Glimmer shifts next to me and I push the blanket of blonde hair off of my face. We are both dead to the world as I had spent most of last night in an NYU darkroom working on my midterm profile—a compilation of my best photos.

Many of them feature a certain blonde beauty that has suddenly jumped out of bed and into the bathroom, the constant beeping of her watch fading as she closes the door. Glimmer stumbled in at around 4:00 in the morning, a half hour after I got home, in drunken stupor before I led her to bed then proceeded to stumble in next to her.

That has been our routine for the last week.

I go to school and she spends her day wandering the town. Sometimes she’ll go to Cinna’s floor and look over his designs. He is really excited to have her model his new Fall line. We’ll start taking preview photos in a week or two, once my midterms are over and I have more free time.

When she isn’t with him, Glimmer spends her nights partying. I have learned to just let her be. If you push Glimmer too much, she attacks and then retreats. Cinna and I worry that if we say too much, she’ll take off. She did it when we first met and though she promised to be better, I don’t hold her to it.

Opening my eyes when the door opens, I see her shuffle back tiredly. Her pale face emphasizes the dark circles under her eyes and in my oversized t-shirt, Glimmer looks tiny. She gives me a wan smile as she crawls into bed next to me.

“Good evening,” she greets me softly.

“Hey,” I say hoarsely. My eyes follow her as she looks down at me and runs a hand through my hair. I close my eyes contentedly.

“Peeta…” My eyes remain closed as my name escapes her lips. The way she says it is full of longing and tenderness. I haven’t heard anyone say my name like that in long time.

_“Peeta…”_

My eyes snap open at the sound of Katniss’ voice and I suddenly feel my skin tingle from just hearing her voice rise from my memories.

“You’re thinking about her again, aren’t you?” I look up and see Glimmer staring at me, her expression calm. She smiles understandingly before lying down next to me. “I can tell when you are because you get that look in your eyes.”

“What look?”

“Like you’ve just seen your first pair of boobs.” I glare at her and she giggles. “I’m just kidding.” Her expression changes as she tries to find the right words. “Actually, it’s more like the first time you see spring—the sight of rebirth and newness. That’s how you look—like you’re just seeing something wonderful for the first time.” She shifts towards me. “Have you ever tried calling Katniss?”

The thought has crossed my mind often. Then I remember her words, and I have to remind myself that what we had is over and done. Katniss had told me that herself – and that there had been someone else.

Maybe that someone else is still there.

Thresh never mentions him, but sometimes if he’s with Johanna—I swear I hear a man’s voice in the background. I can’t bear to ask him who it is; I’m afraid to hear the answer.

“No,” I simply reply and look up at the ceiling. “I’ve thought about it, though.”

Glimmer sighs. “Why don’t you just do it? I’m sure that she’d want to hear from you. You were friends at one point, weren’t you?”

“I’m afraid,” I admit and then look over at her. “She might be with him. I…I don’t think I could handle hearing her voice without everything I still feel rushing out of me.”

“Oh, Peeta, you’re such a silly boy sometimes,” Glimmer admonishes me. “You just have to try and if you get hurt, then at least you gave it a go.”

“I don’t think I can handle being hurt like that.”

Glimmer brushes my hair away from my forehead and I can see the glint of tears in her eyes.

“There are far more hurtful things in the world, darling,” she tells me quietly. “Remember, we take care of each other, right?”

I nod in agreement. “Always.”

A knock on the door interrupts our peaceful bubble and Cinna suddenly bursts into the room, wearing a grey long sleeved thermal and ripped, baggy jeans. The top of his thermal is unbuttoned, revealing a strong chest. Around his neck is a long chain and his hair is in cornrows tonight. He gives us a smile, unperturbed at seeing us in bed together.

In fact, he joins us.

Sitting at the edge of the bed, he pinches my toe. “Get dressed, bro! We’re going out.” He looks over at Glimmer and winks at her. “I see you’re already dressed.”

“Very funny.” Glimmer reaches over to pinch his ear. “Do you have something for me to wear?”

“Of course!” He grins as she excitedly jumps from bed. Standing up, Cinna swats her bottom and she screams in pseudo-pain. “Upstairs, wench!”

“Now that you’re getting famous, you’ve become so bossy!” She laughs at his shocked expression and then turns to me. “You coming up?”

“I’ll be right there.” Glimmer nods before joining Cinna at the doorway and closing the door behind her.

Walking over to my phone, I pick it up and though it’s been years, her phone number is still embedded in my fingertips.

I wait, listening to the rings and my heart is jumping out of my chest. What am I going to say if she picks up? Will she be happy to hear from me? Or will she hang up if she hears my voice?

Someone picks up on the other end and suddenly I’m slamming the phone down back into its charging station.

It’s just not the right time.

++++++

**_9:00PM_ **

**_Hell’s Kitchen, Manhattan, New York_ **

“Cheer up, babe,” Glimmer coos at me. Leaning across the table, she brushes my chin with her fingertips. “Do you want me to buy you another shot?”

I shake my head. Sitting behind me, Cinna squeezes my shoulder sympathetically. After two shots of vodka, the two of them managed to get me to admit that I had tried calling Katniss, then chickened out.

Glimmer is determined to cheer me up by any means necessary. “Come on, Peeta! So you didn’t have the balls to do it this time—you will next time!” She rushes over to me and sits on my lap, the smell of tequila and sweet sweat wafting around her.  “For now, let’s have fun.” She pouts at me, her face close to mine and I can see that her eyes are already bloodshot. “I just got back a week ago—are you tired of me already?”

The question comes out as teasing, but I can see beyond that. There is something inside her that worries that she is not wanted or needed.

I hate to see her like this.

I wrap an arm around her waist and press my forehead to hers. “Of course not,” I reply as I look into her eyes. Her lips curl into a smile and they are close enough that if she were to lean forward—they would be pressed against mine.

Instead, she turns her head to look over at Cinna. “Come on.” Jumping off me, she goes to our friend, grabbing his hand to get him to stand before pulling him to the stage in front of us. Grabbing the microphone from its stand, she whispers to Cinna, who hops off the stage. “Hey, everyone!” The crowd cheers as she places a hand on her hip, posing seductively for them. “This song is dedicated to our friend, Peeta—wave to the crowd, Peeta!” I oblige and wave half-heartedly. “He tried something very brave, and though it didn’t pan out—we’re very proud of him.”

Cinna jumps up on stage as the music starts and my mouth grows into a smile when he begins to sing.

_“As you brush your shoes and stand before your mirror_   
_And you comb your hair and grab your coat and hat_   
_And you walk the streets trying to remember_   
_All those wild nights breeze through your mind…”_

Glimmer, who dances next to him, grabs the microphone and joins in, much to the crowd’s pleasure.

_“And everything looks so complete_   
_When you're walking out on the street_   
_And the wind catches your feet_   
_And sends you flying, crying…”_

Suddenly, I reach into my pocket of my jacket and pull out the small camera that I usually carry with me. I’ve gotten into the habit of bringing a camera for a moment like this. I look in the viewfinder and take a quick photo as Glimmer and Cinna sing together.

_“Oooh, oo-ooh wee, the wild night is calling…”_

++++++

“For someone who looks so light, she sure is heavy,” Cinna says as he carries Glimmer through the archway of my apartment. She snorts in her drunken stupor. “Don’t tell her that.”

“I think the big fur coat is what’s adding extra poundage,” I reply. “I don’t know how she can spend every night doing this while I’m at NYU.”

“She’s lonely,” Cinna suddenly says. He gently places her on my bed. “Don’t tell her I told you, but she didn’t decide to leave Europe and her agency—they dropped her.”

I look over at him in shock.  She certainly wasn’t acting like someone who was let go from her job. Getting the European gig had been a big deal for her—what had changed?

“How did you find out?”

“Another one of the models that I work with told me.” He helps me remove her coat and then her stilettos. She doesn’t even respond as we pull the covers over her prone form. Cinna sits by her side and pushes the hair from her face. “She would come late to shoots, sometimes drunk, and other times—she was worse. They couldn’t take it anymore so they let her go.”

I look down at Glimmer’s pale face. “I knew there was something off about her.”

Cinna looks over at me, concern in his eyes. “Be careful, Peeta,” he warns. “I know you care about her, but she might disappoint you.” He sighs as he looks down at her. “I’m almost afraid to let her model for me because of all this.”

“Don’t do this to her,” I tell him. “She needs the work. Maybe it will motivate her.”

“Always the optimist,” he remarks with a grin. “Don’t ever change, Peeta. Everyone could use someone like you in their life.”

“It hasn’t gotten me anywhere.” I look down at Glimmer’s sleeping form before meeting his eyes. “I can’t stop thinking about Katniss.”

“She was your first love,” Cinna responds. “It’s hard to forget someone like that.”

“I know I shouldn’t love her anymore,” I admit quietly. “But there isn’t a day when I don’t think about her. I can still feel her hand in mine and sometimes I can still smell the air in Sonoma—then I’m back in that field we used to walk through.” Something wet suddenly hits the sheets; I didn’t even realize that I had started crying. “Why can’t I get over her?”

Cinna meets my eyes, and we remain silent for a long moment before he responds.

“Maybe you’re not supposed to.”

++++++

**_Thursday, April 2, 1998 4:00PM_ **

“Honey, I’m home!” I call out as I enter my apartment.

I know that Glimmer is never home at this time but since we’ve gotten into the habit of staying up at night to watch episodes of  ‘Leave It to Beaver’ and ‘The Donna Reed Show’, she declared that we should try to be a little more like a sitcom couple.

Like the separate bed couples of the 50’s —we sleep close to one another—but nothing ever happens.

 Something always holds us back. Glimmer is distant at times, and she likes her freedom. I yearn for commitment, and in my heart, I still yearn for Katniss. Glimmer understands that, though sometimes I think I see a hint of pain in her baby blues.

I’m surprised when I see her emerge from the bathroom, face pale and eyes red. Immediately, I place my camera bag down and rush over to her. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

I place an arm around her but she shifts away immediately.

“I’m fine,” she replies in a hoarse voice as she forces a smile. “It’s just a headache.”

“You’re lying,” I reply and immediately the smile falls from her mouth. “What’s going on?” My hand reaches for her arm and I turn to look at her forearm. No noticeable track marks.

She rips her arm away from me; I’ve pissed her off. “You have so little faith in me, Peeta. Of course you would immediately think that I’ve been using! I told you that I’d stop, didn’t I? Why don’t you trust me?”

“I know what happened in Europe.” The words slip out of my mouth. “You didn’t leave because you wanted—you got fired.”

Her lips begin to tremble and she suddenly lashes out, pushing me forcefully. “FUCK YOU!”

I don’t even react to her putting her hands on me. I’m tired of being pushed away and ignored. It has happened before and I won’t let myself be blindsided again. I don’t think my heart could take it.

“Don’t hide from me, Glimmer! Stop trying to act like everything is okay because it isn’t! Let’s stop pretending!” I place my hand on her shoulders to steady her angry, shaking body. “Talk to me, please. I promise that whatever you say, we can work through it. I just want to be part of your life—let me in.”

Her eyes are dripping and I can see the internal struggle through her rigid body and pained eyes. Her mouth opens and closes, trying to push the words out as we stare at one another. She suddenly looks to the floor, taking in deep breaths, and when she looks up at me again—her eyes are hard.

Glimmer’s heart has closed up once again.

“No.” She shifts to move my hands off her shoulders. “Stop trying to make us into something we’re not. I’m never going to be her—I’m not Katniss.”

“I never wanted you to be.”

“And that’s why I’ll never let you in.” She grabs her coat off the bed. “I’m staying at a friend’s tonight.”

With that, Glimmer rushes out the door, slamming it behind her.

++++++

**_Friday, April 3, 1998 1:00PM_ **

“She’s an hour late,” Cinna says angrily. “Goddammit, I knew I couldn’t count on her!”

Around us, the other models are getting made up for a photo shoot that is already running behind. I’m done with my test shots and Cinna’s dressers are already prepped to start getting the first model ready.

Unfortunately, the first model is Glimmer.

“It’s my fault,” I tell him. “I pushed her—and she snapped.”

“Don’t protect her, Peeta! She’s a grown woman and she has to take responsibility for her life.” He looks at his watch again. “If she’s not here in five minutes—“

The door bangs open and Glimmer stumbles in. “I’M HERE! Now we can begin!”

Her eyes are glazed and her nose is red. Cinna and I look at one another before walking over to her.

“Where have you been?” Cinna asks her quietly. Behind us, someone has turned down the radio. He looks her over. “You’re high, Glimmer.”

“I’m fine,” she argues. “I promise—I’m going to look better than all of these bitches after makeup is done with me.”

My friend sighs and shakes his head. “Go get some rest, Glimmer. I’ll talk to you later.” I can tell that Cinna is trying desperately to keep his cool; his hand is clasped behind his neck as he looks at her.

She laughs easily. “I’m fine.” Glimmer turns to me, her eyes desperate. “Tell him that I’m fine, Peeta. I can do this.”

I take a look at her sweaty face, her red eyes, and mussed hair. She is wearing the same clothes that she had on the last time I saw her.

I’m also sure that if I remove her coat, I will find a track mark.

I take a deep breath and shake my head. “No, baby, you can’t do this,” I tell her gently. “Why don’t you go get some fresh air?”

She backs away from us like a wary animal before she attacks. “FUCK YOU, CINNA!”

“GET OUT!” Cinna suddenly shouts in her face. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”

She stares at him for a moment before turning and rushing out the door.

I look over at Cinna who is pressing his fingers to his temple.

“You okay?”

He turns to me tiredly, his eyes full of regret. “I didn’t mean to get upset at her. Go check up on her, won’t you? I’ll prep the next model so we can begin shooting when you get back up.”

Patting his arm, I put down my camera and rush out the door. Something inside tells me that Glimmer isn’t in my apartment, but I walk down the two flights of stairs and open the door to look for her.

“Glimmer?” I call out into the empty studio. Silence. I look around and then quickly go into my bathroom. Her toiletries and makeup are still there and her bags are by the closet.

If she was leaving, she wouldn’t leave her things. At least I hope not.

Quickly, I rush out and run upstairs to the lobby to go outside. I look at both ends of the street.

I cup my hands and put them to my mouth. “GLIMMER!” I look around once more before dropping my hands to my side.

I know Glimmer—she wouldn’t leave us. But the knot in my stomach tells me otherwise.

++++++

**_Monday, April 27, 1998 4:00AM_ **

_“Now there's no point in placing the blame_  
And you should know I suffer the same  
If I lose you  
My heart will be broken…”

“It’s pretty early for you, kid,” the cab driver says as he lowers the volume on his radio. “You look like you just rolled out of bed.” He gives me a kind smile from the rearview mirror.

“It’s sort of an emergency,” I reply as I look out the window seeing Manhattan behind me. We are crossing the bridge towards Queens, heading to an unfamiliar address and neighborhood. “A friend of mine has been missing, and I think we have a lead on her.”

It has been weeks since we’ve since Glimmer.

Once twenty-four hours passed and Glimmer had not reappeared, Cinna and I morphed into full panic mode. We called everyone who knew her, and checked to see if she had contacted her former agency—no one had heard from her.

Cinna filed a missing persons report at the nearby police station and called hospitals, checking to see if anyone matching her description had been brought in.  I saw the relief followed by anguish on his face as each hospital he called said that they hadn’t found her.

We began to scour the streets for her. I have quite a few pictures of Glimmer, but I used the one that had been my first masterpiece—the one of her barefaced—the one that she hated. It was the photo where she looked the most like herself, natural and pretty.

We went through every neighborhood that she might have frequented at first and showed her photo to people. When that didn’t work, we went to the ones that she wouldn’t usually go to. Then Cinna and I began to go through the subways, showing her photo to people traveling in and out of the city.

Halfway through the second week, we put up fliers with her photo on them and I started going to local shelters to see if anyone recognized her. If we saw anyone living on the streets, we’d approach the person and showed them Glimmer’s photo – but nothing.

By the third week, there was nothing we could do but wait. I could see how haggard Cinna looked—the guilt was eating away at him. I started staying in his apartment to make sure that he ate. I pushed him to go back to work, so he locked himself in his studio to sketch and sew.

When I got a call from a Dr. Lennox in the middle of the night, I called for a cab immediately. I couldn’t tell Cinna just in case this turned out to be nothing.

Something inside tells me that it isn’t.

“Here we are, kid,” the driver tells me and I look out the window at the medium-sized brick building next to the overpass. “This isn’t the best neighborhood. Are you going to be here long? I can wait if you need me to.” He gives me a gentle smile. “I’m a father of two and I know I would be concerned if my kid was coming out here in the dead of night.

“I’ll be fine, sir,” I assure him as I hand him my payment. “I’ll call your company when I’m ready to come back.”

He nods. “Ask for Bernie. If I’m free, I’ll make my way over.”

I give him a quick smile before getting out of the car. Walking up the stairs of the building, I can see that it is a small hospital. There are two ambulances parked on the side and as I pull the door open to enter, I can smell the sterility of the walls around me.

Walking over to the nurses’ station, I see that it is empty. A phone rings behind me, and I can hear faint talking from a patient’s room.

“Mr. Mellark?” I turn to see a tall middle-aged woman with short, blonde hair wearing a white coat approaching me. I nod and she holds out her hand. “My name is Dr. Marjorie Lennox.”

I shake her hand quickly. “Peeta Mellark.”

“Walk with me,” she says and we begin to go down the hallway in front of us. “Thank you for coming in at such a late night notice. The patient came in at around midnight, and we had some trouble getting any information from her except for your name and number. It looks like she’s been on the streets—the police brought here in after they found her unconscious under the overpass a few blocks away.”

“Glimmer has been missing for three weeks now,” I explain. “We’ve looked everywhere in Manhattan—filed reports, checked hospitals, put up fliers—“

“You did everything you could,” she assures me. Suddenly, Dr. Lennox puts a hand on my arm and looks over to the open door in front of me. “Mr. Mellark, I want you to take a look in this room and see if the girl in there is your friend. After you do, come back out and let me know.”

I nod in understanding before approaching the door.

My heart is pounding as I walk into the room and look at the figure in the hospital bed. I can hardly breathe—her hair is stringy and her cheek bones are startlingly prominent, the dark circles under her eyes are even starker against her pale skin—but it is her.

It is my Glimmer.

I turn and walk out of the room where Dr. Lennox waits for me.

“It’s her,” I sniff. “That’s Glimmer.” I wipe my eyes against my sleeve.

She nods seriously. “I’m sorry you have to see her like that,” she says. “Does she have any family that you need to contact?”

I shake my head. “She has no one—just myself and a friend of ours.”

Dr. Lennox leads me a few steps away from her room. “Mr. Mellark, are you aware that Glimmer is HIV positive?”

Something cold and heavy drops into my stomach and I shake my head, unable to respond. The doctor takes in my shocked expression and places a hand on my shoulder.

“Have you been with her? Sexually?” she asks gently.

I shake my head. “No, we’re just friends.”

We were always one step away, but neither of us ever pressed any further. It all made sense on her end now—the reason she would never let me kiss her, how we would sleep together but she’d never touch me and how cautious she seemed when it came to physical contact.

“Do you know for how long?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “We couldn’t get her to talk and she refused to let anyone touch her at first. It wasn’t until we got her sedated that she told our nurses of her condition and the clinic where she has been going for treatment. I got some of her information faxed over and her latest test shows that her T-cell count is at 300.”

“What does that mean?”

“She is at stage three in the progression of the virus and is likely to develop AIDS,” she tells me. “However, with the way she is going, she might not last that long. Glimmer has several bacterial infections and she seems to be untreated. I’m not sure how long. The odds aren’t in her favor.”

I nod, my throat dry. “Can I talk to her?”

“Of course.” Dr. Lennox looks at me sadly. “I’m so sorry that you had to find out this news after searching for her for so long. I’m not sure if she knows how bad it is.”

My mind goes to the beginning of the month when I found her in my apartment, her eyes heavy and her nose red. I realize that she had known then and had been crying about it.

And I accused her of getting high.

“I think she does,” I tell her. “I just don’t think she wasn’t ready to admit it.” Taking a deep breath, I nod at her. “I’m going to talk to her. Perhaps she’ll tell me if she was taking anything so you’ll have more information.”

“I’ll be at the nurses’ station.  Just use the call button if you need anything.”

I nod before walking quietly back into the room. Glimmer looks like the bed could swallow her; she has lost even more weight. I sit in the chair next to her bed and reach for her hand. It is freezing so I place my other hand on top of her tiny one to warm it up.

“Hey, stranger.” It comes out roughly and I see her staring at me, her lips straining to smile. “Long time, no see.”

“Glimmer…” I can’t seem to get any words out and my eyes are suddenly running. “Where the hell have you been?”

She inhales sharply and I stand up quickly in panic, ready to get a nurse. Glimmer puts a hand up to stop me.

“I’m okay,” she assures me calmly. Glimmer points at her nose where I can see the plugs in her nostrils. “I’m just getting used to the oxygen. Sit down.” I go back to my seat and look into her tired eyes. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“I’m sorry I let you leave,” I reply. “Why didn’t you say anything about being sick?”

Glimmer shrugs and tears begin to form in her eyes. “I was scared. I got stupid in Europe those first three months I was there—got in with a bad crowd and two months after that I started feeling sick. I never get sick, so I went to the doctor and they tested me…”

“Have you been taking anything to help?”

“AZT. Once a day at 7:00PM.” I realize that the 7:00PM alarm on her watch was a reminder to take her medicine. “When I left, I forgot the bottle.”

“Dammit, Glimmer! Why didn’t you call?”

She crumbles in front of me. “I was mad! And I didn’t want to think anymore! They fired me because I was always late to my shoots—and I couldn’t tell them the reason why was because I went to every doctor I could find to help me. I took long trains to other cities to find out that there was nothing they could do. When I found out my t-cell count a few weeks ago, I lost it! So I left, Peeta. I did it for your own good! For my own good!”

“Why would this be for your own good?” I ask through my tears.

She swallows harshly. “Don’t I deserve to go quietly? To have some dignity as I let it destroy me?” Glimmer begins to sob. “It’s too hard to care for you and Cinna because it will only hurt more when I leave you!”

I stand up, bringing down the rail of her bed as I sit down and pull her into my arms, letting her cry against me.

“Hey, hey…”I hold her tighter, struggling to hold back my own sobs. “Didn’t we say that we would take care of each other?”

++++++

**_10:00AM_ **

“Glimmer!” I turn and see Cinna at the doorway of her room. I called him an hour ago from her room to explain where I was. He didn’t even let me finish before he told me that he was coming.

“Cinna…” She gives him a weak smile from her bed and he is rushing to her. His arms wrap around her waist as he weeps against her. Her hands find his hair and she toys with the corkscrew curls atop his head.

Glimmer meets my eyes as I watch the pair embrace. I give her a tired smile, too emotionally exhausted to hide my devastation. I’m okay in intervals.

Until I realize that one of my best friends is dying in a fucking hospital bed and I lose it again.

“Don’t disappear on us again,” Cinna says as he pulls away. “When can you leave this place?”

She looks to me for help, and I give her an encouraging nod. I can’t be the one to tell him.

“Cinna,” she starts as she caresses his hand. “I’m not leaving this place.”

Cinna looks at her, confused for a moment, and then turns to me. “What is she talking about?”

“I’m sick,” Glimmer continues and she inhales sharply before adjusting the nose pieces.  “I’ve been sick for a long time and it got to be too much—” She looks down for a moment and when her eyes meet his again, they’re full of tears. “Honey, I have HIV.”

He looks at her in disbelief. “No, you don’t. You’re too young and beautiful for that! And people can suppress it, there are drugs for that—”

“I’ve been taking one for almost a year, Cinna,” she tells him gently. “It hasn’t worked. In fact, I’ve been steadily declining. I went to a lot of doctors when I was away.” The tears fall steadily from her eyes. “The progression of the virus is happening a little faster in me, you see. They’re not sure, but they think it might be genetic.” She sniffs back her tears. “I guess we’ll never find out.”

I look at her, surprised by the new information, but Cinna is too distraught to comprehend what she has told us.

“I can’t believe this! I can’t.” He stands up and looks at us with panic in his eyes. Turning around, he walks out of the room and we listen as his footsteps disappear down the hallway.

I look over at Glimmer. “I’ll go talk to him. Are you going to be okay?”

She lies back exhausted. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”

Rushing out to the hallway, I go to the front entrance and push open the door. Cinna stands outside with his hands in his pockets as he looks out onto the street. He’s in a grey hooded sweater, sweats, and a pair of Jordans—this is the first time I’ve seen him so casual.

“You must have been in quite a rush to come over here looking like that.”

Cinna turns and glowers at me. “That’s not funny, Peeta.”

“I’m not trying to be funny,” I reply. “I’m just making an observation.”

“Why does it have to be her?” Cinna asks me. His face scrunches as he begins to cry softly. “Hasn’t she dealt with enough? I’ve known her since she was a teenager and I always hoped that things would turn out okay for her. I’ve tried so hard to be there for her—“

I feel my lips tremble as I put my arm around him. “We can still be here for her. Glimmer won’t admit it, but she needs us to be here. Not because there’s no one else, but because we love her.”

He turns to me. “I don’t know if I can take it. I don’t know if I can see her this way,” Cinna tells me. “I don’t know if I can watch her—”

“Let’s not think about it for now,” I tell him.

“Then what do we do?” he asks, his dark eyes heavy.

“We go inside and we stay for as long as she wants us to.”

 Cinna nods and after a moment, we go back into the hospital.

++++++

Days pass differently; some go quickly, and other days drag out slowly.

Glimmer, Cinna, and I build ourselves a safe cocoon in that hospital room. Here is where Glimmer lets us watch her waste away, but she also lets us make her laugh. She lets Cinna do her hair while I watch and snap photos. I take rolls and rolls of her, some of them with nurses as they give her painkillers, others with Dr. Lennox as they go over her progression.

I’ve taken a leave of absence from school, and though my Dad was upset—he understood. He understands that sometimes you have to take some time to care for those you love because they might not be there the next day.

That’s how we live – Glimmer, Cinna, and I – day by day.

“Tell me about your mother,” Glimmer asks me one Saturday. Cinna has plaited her hair and wrapped the braid like a headband on her head. For a moment, I see Prim, Katniss’ little sister, but I shake the image off.

“She liked the beach,” I begin as she lays back and listens. Cinna sits across from me and takes her hand. “Mom had this great laugh—like a bell, and when she started laughing it became contagious.” I feel a tear roll down my cheek. “I miss that laugh and I’d do anything to hear it again.”

“I used to look for my mother on the streets,” Glimmer says suddenly. “I would make up stories about how she never wanted to give me up but she was forced to. I thought that one day if she saw me, she would know who I was immediately and just take me in her arms.” She smiles to herself, the light in her eyes bright. “I thought I even saw her in the Upper East Side once. She was wearing a fur coat like I had.”

We finally understand her obsession with fur coats.

“I smiled at her.” Her lips fall into a frown and the brightness in her eyes fades. “But she just got into her car.” She laughs lightly to herself. “It probably wasn’t her anyway—she just really looked like me, that’s all.” Glimmer looks up at me. “Do you think that my mom is out there?” She turns to Cinna. “Do you think she’ll care when I die?”

The tears fall steadily fall from her eyes. Today will be a bad day for her. She will spend the rest of it in a deep depression and will have a hard time sleeping.

I take her hand. “My mom will be your mom,” I tell her, swallowing the lump in my throat before I continue. “She’ll care of you when you leave us.” The room goes silent at the thought of ‘when’ will happen.

“Why would she care?” Her voice sounds so broken.

“Because Peeta loves you and so do I,” Cinna tells her. He kisses the top of her hand adoringly. “Also, how could she resist you?”

She grins and ruffles his hair. “That’s true.”

++++++

One rainy day, Glimmer asks me about Katniss.

“What does she look like?”

I try to recall if I’ve ever shown Glimmer her photo. I realize that I haven’t because it was too painful for me to see her face.

Looking over at Cinna, who is working in his sketchbook, I reach into my camera bag for my portfolio. I flip to the end of it and I take in a breath at seeing Katniss’ face.  I can almost hear TLC singing in the background.

“This is Katniss.” I hand the portfolio to Glimmer and she places it gently on her lap. Cinna puts his sketchbook down and looks down at the photo. “This is the first picture I ever took of her. She didn’t want to have her photo taken, but then I asked her about her little sister.  Her face just lit up and that’s when I took this picture.”

Glimmer traces Katniss’ profile as she looks down at the photo. For a long time, she is silent as she stares at my first love. Cinna’s eyes watch over Glimmer before he looks at me.

“She used to sing to me,” I tell her. “Remember that Janet Jackson song from _Poetic Justice_? She was really good at it. We saw _Dangerous Minds_ on our first date. Well, it wasn’t supposed to be a date, but her best friend tricked us by having our other friends else ditch—“

“That is the easiest trick in the book, Peeta,” Glimmer interrupts with a chuckle. “Both of you fell for it – you must have really wanted to go out with her, and she must have really wanted to go out with you to fall for a trick like that.” She looks down at the picture again. “She’s beautiful.”

I can’t help but smile. “I’ve always thought so.”

“You would’ve had beautiful children,” Cinna teases and my face turns red.

Glimmer, however, looks at me—her eyes full of seriousness. “You still can.”

++++++

I have a hard time thinking about those last moments together.

The sun was just beginning to rise when I awoke, feeling her hand threading through my hair.

She had been in and out of consciousness because of the fever that had taken over her body. Pneumonia followed and though the staff told us to leave due to risk of becoming infected, Cinna and I refused.

We promised to never leave her alone.

“Hey, stranger,” she whispers in the twilight darkness. I had fallen asleep against her bed while Cinna sat upright, snoring in the chair at the corner of the room. “How long was I out this time?”

I sit on her bed and take her hand. “About three days.” I let the tears fall. “I didn’t think you were going to wake up this time.”

Glimmer squeezes my hand to calm me down. “I wanted to ask you a question.”

“Ask away.”

“Tell me about the happiest time in your life.” Her question hangs in the still air as I try to form my words.

I can see her breath struggling – I know that this is it.

Behind me, Cinna stirs out of his slumber.

“Katniss and I used to go to this vineyard in Sonoma,” I tell her. “No matter the season, it always looked beautiful. There were rolling hills everywhere and at the top of one of them was this giant tree. We always played around the grape canopies and did other things—”

Glimmer giggles and I squeeze her hand, grinning as I do. Cinna takes the other as he sits on the opposite side. He pushes her hair away from her face, his hand shaking.

“You’re such a perv, Peeta,” Glimmer jokes as she draws in a breath. “It does sound romantic, though.”

“I proposed to her there once.” I look out the window as the sun begins to rise. “Obviously, that didn’t pan out.”

“You’ll be back there one day,” she promises and I see her deep blue eyes begin to water.

Her mouth opens and closes in a silent sob; I can see the mouth sores that have formed over the last few weeks. We have been trying to spend our time ignoring what was happening until now, when it is inevitable.

She gives me a watery smile. “Take me with you when you do.”

“We’ll all go, boo,” Cinna tells her, tears tracking down his deep skin. “Together. Maybe Katniss will tell us about teenage Peeta and how much of a dork he was.”

She tries to chuckle but it comes out in a raspy cough. Her hand reaches out to cup his cheek and he leans into it as he cries.

“Of course,” she assures him after a moment and looks into his eyes. “I’ll meet you there, darling.” Then she turns to me. “Promise me that you’ll find her, Peeta. You love her too much for it to be all over.” I take her hand in mine, kissing the top, covering it with my tears as I do. “It doesn’t have to be now—but one day, you’re going to be ready to see her again.”

I nod and Glimmer sighs as she looks out the window. “It really is beautiful out there.”

For the rest of my life, I will remember the sun rising in her blue eyes before she closed them one last time.

++++++

No one came to her funeral except for Cinna and me.

All those European friends of hers never made an appearance, nor did they send flowers to decorate her gravesite. Cinna and I were able to give her a moderate bouquet and Dr. Lennox, along with the hospital staff, sent a beautiful wreath that we placed on her coffin.

She wore a beautiful white dress that Cinna spent a whole day making—tears running down his face as he did. I placed the first photo that I took of her in her hands, and I tucked a photo of her, Cinna and I – the three musketeers – during one of our first outings into a corner of her coffin.

“And then there were two,” Cinna said as we watched her coffin being lowered.

I didn’t know then that this wouldn’t be my last goodbye.

* * *

 

I need to take a deep breath right now—I really love Glimmer, so this hurts.

Glimmer had been traveling through Europe for about a year at this point. In Chapter 25, Peeta shows Katniss the last photo taken of Glimmer and Cinna before she went to Europe for her modeling gig—which is a cropped photo because he was actually in it. That picture is the same photo she was buried with.

Notes:

Cinna mentions the “Lewinsky” treatment; he is referring to infamous intern Monica Lewinsky, who President Bill Clinton admitted to having an affair with while she worked at the White House, which ultimately led to his impeachment in December 1998.

The quote, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” is taken from the Bill Clinton quote, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky,” which he said during a presentation on January 26, 1998.

_Spice World_ , the musical-comedy movie featuring the British group, the Spice Girls, premiered in the US on January 23, 1998. I am a still a big fan of theirs and remember going to the theater to watch the movie with my best friend and little sister. My favorite Spice Girl is Ginger Spice, aka Geri Halliwell.

Hell’s Kitchen refers to a neighborhood in Manhattan.

The song that Cinna and Glimmer sing to Peeta is called “Wild Nights”, sung by John Mellencamp and Meshell  Ndegeocello.

Queens is a borough in New York across from Manhattan.

The song playing in the taxi cab that Peeta takes to Queens is “Frozen” by Madonna. The album, “Ray of Light” was released in February 22, 1998 with the single, “Frozen,” released on February 23, 1998.

Dr. Lennox is named for Annie Lennox, one of my favorite musical artists.

So I want to tell you about the three people that Glimmer is based on.

The first person is Gia Carangi, an American model who was popular during the late 1970’s and early 1980’s. Due to her heavy drug use, Carangi’s modeling career rapidly declined, and she contracted HIV and died of AIDS-related complications on November 18, 1986. No one from the fashion world attended her funeral because no one knew of her death until months later.

The second person is a character from the musical “Rent”, named Mimi Marquez, an erotic dancer with the HIV virus.

The third person, who embodies Glimmer’s bold, sexy personality, is a character named Sal from the TV series, “Modern Family”, and played by Elizabeth Banks. She is a friend of Mitchell and Cameron, the gay couple featured in the series. Her first appearance actually has her revealing her new fake breasts to her friends. Sound familiar?

At this point, Glimmer is at Stage III in her HIV progression, which is classified as having a CD4 t-cell (immune system helper cells) count of less than 350. This leaves the person susceptible of getting infections, and the contracting of pneumonia, which is what ultimately takes Glimmer because her body can’t fight it.

AZT refers to a drug that is taken by HIV patients to help suppress symptoms of the disease.

There is some foreshadowing to events in “September” in this chapter. Let me know what you think it is.

Greetings, feedback, and reviews are always welcome on AO3, FF and Tumblr.

Next: September, an Again outtake.

Until then, JLaLa


	34. September, An Again Outtake

**_Trigger Warning: Character Death, scenes of a graphic nature, disturbing media imagery, references to September 11, 2001_ **

Thank you to everyone who has been a faithful reader of ‘Again’. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Right off the bat—this story is purely fictional except for one part, which is based on my uncle’s experience during this day. Anything else is purely coincidental.

September 11th is a sensitive topic and if you feel like you can’t read this or that it might upset you, then DON’T. Just turn back.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for sorting through my messes, correcting my mistakes, and just being awesome.

The characters of the Hunger Games do not belong to me.

_Tell me, what else should I have done?  
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?_

_-The Summer Day (Mary Oliver)_

September

An _Again_ Outtake

**_Tuesday, September 11, 2001 5:20am (PST)_ **

_Noe Valley, San Francisco, CA_

I wake up in a cold sweat. Something is wrong—very wrong.

Turning over in our bed, I notice that Cato has already left for his morning workout. We had a huge fight last night.

He wants to start making wedding plans. We’ve been engaged for _only_ four months.

It’s been a busy few months for us, too. We both graduated from San Francisco State last spring, along with Johanna and Thresh. Cato and Johanna just took the MCATS while Thresh is contemplating what he wants to do with his Marketing degree.

After graduating and then the proposal, my father presented me with my graduation present—a house in Noe Valley that he bought for me and my daughter, Adina. I was now responsible for making house payments to him.

Now we had to add moving to the list of things I was doing. Cato had also begun moving his things into the house.

As for me, I have a big decision to make—my friend, Delly Cartwright, has made me an offer to go into business with her.

At the moment, however, it’s the last thing on my mind because the persistent feeling of dread comes back.

Outside my window, there is nothing but stillness.

Usually we can hear our neighbors starting their engines to leave for work, a street cleaning truck or even the sound of a car blasting the morning dance mix as it drives by. But today, there’s nothing.

“Adina.” My daughter’s name slips out of my mouth and I am suddenly panicking.

I get up and quickly rush out of my room, crossing the hallway to go to into hers. Opening the door carefully, I peek in before slipping inside to find Adina sleeping peacefully in her bed.

Quietly, I kneel in front of her and I’m struck by how much she looks like Peeta when she’s asleep. Even now, I remember how he slept because Adina does the exact same thing—mouth slightly open, head to one side, and on the stomach.

Her hair is getting long, the tips of it hitting below her neck and I grin at the ‘Dora the Explorer’ picture on the back of her pajama top. She begged me for these pajamas and to have a ‘Dora the Explorer’ themed-party for her upcoming birthday, except everything will say ‘Deenie the Explorer’.

Deenie is what Cato calls her. She adores him.

I touch her chin and her lips curl up in a small smile. I feel myself falter seeing _his_ smile.

As I move my hand down, I see the ring on my finger—a white gold, round-cut diamond band. 

It looks so foreign on my finger—I guess I’ll have to get used to it.

“Mommy?” I look up hearing Adina’s tiny voice, so sweet and soft, calling me back to reality. She looks at me, her grey eyes wide. “Why are you sitting on the floor?”

I shrug, suddenly feeling very silly. “I just wanted to see you.”

Adina nods her head and yawns. “Mommy, you’re funny,” she replies and I can see that she is already nodding off. “I have weird dreams sometimes.”

“Weird?” I sit on the edge of her bed and she moves so that I can lie back against her peach-colored upholstered headboard. Adina nestles her head against my chest and wraps her arms around my stomach.

“Are there real monsters, Mommy?”

I find myself unable to answer, the dread suddenly spreading within me—gripping my chest and chilling my insides.

I need to protect her. But from what?

++++++

**_Tuesday, September 11, 2001 8:20am (EST)_ **

_SoHo, Manhattan, New York_

“You excited?”

Cinna turns to look at me, a bright grin on his face. We’re sitting outside the café enjoying a small breakfast before we begin our day.

“Of course—I mean, my new line is going to be in a newspaper,” he replies and takes a sip from his cup. “It’s only taken me years—“

“You’re going to be big—this is going to get you to Paris,” I reply as I stir some cream into my coffee. “And with me taking the pictures—“

“Are you helping me or helping yourself?”

“Shut your face,” I respond jokingly and reach down into my camera bag to take my Canon out. “Speaking of which, I should start taking some test shots.” I look around trying to find something interesting to photograph. “Slim pickings—I wish…”

“If Glimmer were here, you would have wasted a roll.” Cinna finishes my thought. “She would’ve stopped traffic with her poses then left us to fix the mess.” We both share a laugh thinking of our dear friend. “I miss her.” He looks over at me carefully. “How are you doing?”

I put my camera on the table. It has been years since we lost her, our third musketeer, but the pain is still raw.

No one should go like that.

“I wish I could’ve done more—been more.”

Cinna shakes his head. “There was nothing we could do for her.” He takes a long sip from his cup before continuing. “And you can’t be more than what you are, Peeta. Trust me when I tell you that she wouldn’t want us to be sad or mope. She wouldn’t want you to waste your talent.”

“What do you mean?”

“Glimmer knew that you were talented and that you would get too big for her eventually,” he states.

I try to intervene. “I never wanted her to feel like that—“

“It’s the truth—you’re going places because you see things that no one else can. She was proud of that. And so am I.” Cinna checks his watch. “I have to meet one of my friends a few blocks down. He works at one of the Towers—I showed him a design for a ring and he’s really interested in having it made for his girlfriend.”

“Oh yeah?”

Cinna has just begun work on his jewelry line. This new passion started when we were walking around a farmer’s market two months ago. The last booth was selling vintage jewelry and Cinna fell in love with a rose gold ring that he just had to have.

He paid a pretty penny for it, too.

“I’m really excited because I just finished my first piece,” he replies and adjusts his collar as he gets up from the table. He’s in a fitted leather blazer, navy corduroy pants, and a pinstriped button-down with his hair in a short afro. “How do I look?”

“Photo shoot ready,” I assure him and give him a smile. “I’ll take care of the bill. Get going and I’ll see you by the site in a few minutes.”

Last night, we agreed to meet around the City Hall Park for the shoot.

He takes a deep breath and nods, “It’s going to be great.” Cinna gives me an excited wave. “I’ll see you soon.”

“I promise I won’t disappoint you,” I tell him.

Cinna turns back to me, his eyes suddenly somber.

“Peeta, you could never disappoint me. You’re only going to do great things.”

I wave him off. “Yeah…yeah…”

He flips me the bird and I guffaw as he walks off.

Finishing up my coffee as I sit at the table, I signal the waitress for the check and stand from my seat. I put my camera bag strap across my body, resting my Canon on my hip before I begin to take inventory.

Film rolls. Check.

Zoom lens. Check.

“Sir?”

The waitress places the check on the table and as I take my wallet from my back pocket, darkness falls overhead.

I look up to see a large plane passing over and both of our eyes follow it as disappears into the high rises in front of us.

“A bit low, huh?” the waitress remarks as I hand her a twenty.

“Yeah…“

Then the ground roars underneath me.

++++++

**_6:00 AM (PST)_ **

_San Francisco, CA_

“KATNISS!”

My eyes burst open and I look down, feeling a weight on my chest. It’s Adina, sleeping against me.

Johanna usually gets up at this time, since she likes to take a jog around the block to start the day but she doesn’t usually bug me this early. I hear the rush of footsteps going to my room, then to Adina’s door, and suddenly she is in front of me.

The look in her eyes is one of sheer panic. “Come quick!”

Adjusting Adina so that her head rests back on her pillow, I cover her and get out of bed before walking over to Johanna.

“What’s wrong?”

Johanna looks like she’s on the verge of tears. She doesn’t say a word but instead takes my hand and leads me down the stairs. At the bottom of the steps, Johanna pulls me into the den where I find my Dad standing in front of the television.

“Dad? Why are you here so early?”

He turns when he hears us moving towards him. There is a strange, scared light in his eyes and something inside me freezes.

“I called out when I heard this on radio. Katniss, I don’t want you to panic—“

“About what?”

My Dad moves away, revealing the television screen which is on CNN, the words ‘BREAKING NEWS’ at the bottom of the screen as I watch smoke billow from one of the Twin Towers in New York.

New York.

Peeta is in New York.

_Oh my God._

My knees hit the carpet immediately.

“Katniss—” Johanna comes towards me.

“Call Thresh.”

“He’s already on his way,” she assures me.

“He has his number, right?” I turn to her. “Tell me—”

“I don’t know!” she suddenly exclaims and kneels next to me. “I’m scared too, Katniss.”

Cato rushes into the room and I can’t help feeling disappointed that he’s not Thresh coming with news.

“Did you hear?” he asks and his eyes zero in on me on the floor. “Katniss, sweetheart, why are you crying?”

I can’t seem to get the words out. So instead, I turn away and place my hand on the screen.

Please don’t let him be anywhere around there.

++++++

**_9:00 AM (EST)_ **

_Manhattan, New York_

_Run,_ I tell myself. _Just keep on running._

There is debris everywhere and I’m blanketed in screams as I rush forward and the world around me falls apart.

_This isn’t real._

And suddenly, I’m knocked down. My knee hits the concrete and I feel pain radiate throughout my body.

“AHHH!” The scream escapes my mouth and I’m ready to be trampled.

“GET UP!” Someone screams at me and I’m pulled up even though my leg is killing me. “KEEP MOVING!”

Another deep crash rumbles through the city. I feel myself being pushed around in the sea of people.

_Keep moving_ —I don’t understand what’s happening. Surrounded by the mob, I’m ready to be swallowed up into the ground.

I can’t breathe.

Then I’m shoved into darkness.

++++++

**_7:25AM (PST)_ **

_San Francisco, CA_

“Thresh!”

I rush into my friend’s strong arms and his arms wrap around me instinctively. My tears cover his shoulder but he doesn’t seem to mind. Thresh lets me fall apart against him.

I pull away quickly. “Have you heard anything?”

He shakes his head. “I spoke to his Dad and he hasn’t heard from him. All flights are, of course, suspended.”

“Heard from whom?” I turn to see Cato staring at me. “I don’t understand what’s going on—“

I try to tell him but the words won’t escape and I’m crying again.

“Adina’s father,” Thresh answers for me. “Adina’s father is in New York.”

Walking over to the television as Cato and Thresh speak, I kneel in front of the screen again, watching the image of the plane hitting the South Tower. It’s followed by another image of the Tower collapsing in debris and fire.

I close my eyes and turn away from the screen. I feel so sick.

“Peeta…” His name escapes my mouth as if he can hear me somehow.

“Katniss?” Cato is next to me and I can see the stricken look in his eyes. “I wish I could help you.”

I swallow back my tears and nod shakily at him. “I know.” I look over at the screen again. “There’s nothing anyone can do but wait.”

He pulls me to him and, though I try, the feeling of heaviness hits my chest.

I’m pulling away and standing up before Cato can react. “I should go check on Adina.”

++++++

**_10:25AM (EST)_ **

_Manhattan, New York_

“Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end.  Amen.”

I open my eyes, squinting in the dimness of the room. _Where am I_?

“Did I wake you?”

My eyes meet those of the man across from me wearing a dusty business suit. He looks at me with trembling hands that are holding a set of wooden beads.

“What’s happening?” I ask him as I try to push myself up but a sudden pain shoots up my leg. “Ahhh!”

“You fell,” he tells me simply and I recognize his voice. He was the one who pulled me up from the ground. “After the second plane hit, we got pushed into this building.” The man stands up and walks towards me.  “I think you messed up your hip.”

I get my first good look at him. He is tan with a dark, thick mustache and a shaved head, though I can see that his hairline is coming back. His eyes are dark and small, but I see a gentleness in them.

“Slowly,” he says and helps me to sit up. I hiss when the pain hits me again. Somewhere behind us, I can hear a child crying while off to the right is the low murmuring of a panicked woman.

“Thank you,” I manage to say. “What’s happening?”

“There was an attack,” he informs me. “I’m not sure where we are, but I think we’re around Tribeca.”

“What attack?” I look around and feel the panic rising in me. “Where?”

“The Twin Towers—first the North, then the South. The South Tower has already fallen.”

“My friend! He was heading over—“

“There’s nothing you can do, boy,” the man says gruffly and I can see tears glittering in his eyes. “I was supposed to report at the North Tower but was called off at the last minute.” He reaches into his pocket to pull out the beads again. “Thank God…”

“For what?”  I sniff back my tears. “The world is falling apart around us!”

“Calm down,” he tells me when our eyes meet again. I try to swallow the overwhelming feeling of fear inside me. “So you take pictures?”

“What?” His eyes move to my hip. My camera bag is still on. “Yes, I was supposed to be doing a photoshoot—” My eyes water and I can feel the sting as the dust settling on my lashes intermingles with my tears. “For the Times. My friend has a new fashion line coming out.”

There is screaming outside and I cover my ears. I just need to breathe. I need to calm down.

“Take pictures.” I look at the man again. “If you’re scared, take pictures.”

“Of what?” My eyes move over the room and it looks like some kind of storage facility. Fallen furniture and people mixed together inside a dimly lit box.

Red. A battered red phone.

The one bright thing in the room.

Taking my Canon out of the bag, I check for any damages and it seems to be unscathed. The man watches me carefully as I adjust the lens and my trembling hands grip the camera as I look into the viewfinder.

My eye finds the phone next to me.

The feeling of relief hits me. Just focus. Don’t think about the outside.

Ignore the sirens, the shouts, the way the building shakes, the wailing of child behind me.

Just focus on the phone.

Don’t think.

The man next to me begins to pray again. “Hail, Holy Queen…”

Hold tighter.

The building is suddenly shaking and I grab hold of a pillar in front of me.

_Keep your grip—I don’t want to die!_

Her face against the golden sun of the vineyard flashes in my mind. I don’t want to die without seeing her one last time, so I hold on tighter.

Then we are engulfed in darkness again.

++++++

**_1:00PM (PST)_ **

_San Francisco, CA_

“Katniss, you need to eat.”

Johanna places a sandwich in front of me. My stomach twists unpleasantly and it briefly reminds me of when I had morning sickness while pregnant with Adina.

Peeta could be dead. And I never told him about Adina.

The thought causes an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I push the plate away. “I can’t.” I look over at Johanna. “I never told him about her.”

She nods understandingly. “Honey, we don’t know anything yet.”

“I really messed up, Jo-Jo,” I suddenly say. “I made him think I didn’t love him! I made him believe he was nothing to me!”

“And how do you feel now?” She places her hand over mine.

I utter the words that I have tried to deny for years, “Nothing has changed—if anything, I love him even more because of Adina.”

“Mommy?” I look up to see Cato carrying Adina in his arms. The look of hurt in his eyes is palpable. “Why are you crying?”

I wipe my eyes quickly. “I’m not feeling well, baby.”

Cato places her down on the ground and kneels in front of her. “I’m going to go get your Mommy some soup. Why don’t you make sure that she eats her sandwich?” He tickles her and Adina giggles before she falls into his arms. He kisses the top of her head lovingly. “I’ll get you something, too.”

“Cookies?”

“Always with the baked goods,” he teases her. “Why is that?”

Because her paternal grandfather is a baker—the sweet tooth is all his side.

“I’ll walk you out,” I tell him and stand up quickly. “Jo-Jo, why don’t you make Adina a sandwich, too?”

“Of course,” she says and gives Cato a smile. “See you later.”

“See you, Johanna,” he replies easily. “Bye, Deenie.”

Adina waves before flopping onto the seat next to Johanna, her tiny legs hanging off the ground.

Together, we walk out of the kitchen and I can see the stiffness in his steps. He looks straight ahead until we reach the front door before finally looking at me.

“I won’t pretend that I didn’t hear what you said,” he says. “I know this has been a hard day for you and in some way, I even understand how you feel. But—”

Before Cato can even finish, there is a frantic knock on the door.

Cato opens it and Thresh rushes in. His eyes zero in on me, and I can feel my stomach drop.

“Katniss, I just talked to Peeta’s dad. He was looking through his e-mail exchanges with Peeta when he found something. Peeta was doing a photo shoot today with his designer friend, Cinna,” he informs me.

My throat goes dry. “Where?”

“Around City Hall—a few blocks away from the Towers.”

++++++

“Peeta.”

As my eyes adjust to the light, I turn and see Cinna standing in front of me.

I give him a relieved smile as I rush over to him. “I was worried about you.”

“No need,” he assures me. “Walk with me.”  

I look around and though the surroundings seem familiar, I can’t focus on what’s around me because I’m just happy to know that I’ve found him.

“I’m alright; I just wanted to tell you that,” Cinna tells me as we begin our walk.

There is something different about my friend, though he looks exactly the same as when he left me. I try to pinpoint it, so I just stare at his glowing face as we continue along our unknown journey.

There’s something else that’s off.

“What time is it?” I ask him suddenly.

Cinna stops and turns to me, his smile teasing. “Time doesn’t matter—at least not here.”

The ground solidifies beneath me. To the west, I see the setting sun grazing the vineyards. The sky is orange, my favorite kind of orange.

I turn to Cinna again and his eyes watch my reaction. “Why are we here?”

“You said you would bring us here one day. You were a bit distraught when you said it, but you promised,” he replies easily. “Now you have.”

I search my memories, trying to pinpoint a time when I mentioned this particular vineyard.

The memory hits me and I snap my fingers. “I did, didn’t I? But I told you and—”

“Hey, stranger.” My body stills upon hearing her bright voice.

I turn to see Glimmer standing before me.  Her smile leaves me breathless.

She’s in her oversized fur coat and underneath is a tight gold dress. She looks completely different from the last time I saw her. She looks healthy; her hair is lush and her once emaciated body has now filled out.

The best part is the grin on her face. She looks so joyful and the bliss in her eyes—I never once saw that when she was alive.

“Glimmer.” Tears fill my eyes.

I understand now.

She reaches over to cup my cheek and her touch fills me with comfort. “Peeta.” The way she says my name—there was a time when I’d hoped she would say my name like that—with love. “I just wanted to see you one more time and thank you for taking care of me.”

“I wish things could’ve been different for us,” I choke out. “I wish—”

“I wanted to love you so badly,” she replies sadly. “I just didn’t have it in me at the time.” Glimmer looks around before meeting my eyes once again. “But here—love is infinite.”

She moves close to me and her mouth brushes against mine softly; an angel’s kiss.

Glimmer pulls away, resting her forehead against mine. I can feel her tears intermingle with my own.

“I love you, Peeta Mellark,” she whispers. “But you were never meant to be mine. You were always meant to be hers.”

“Hers?”

“Peeta.” The last voice I’d ever expect to hear.

Suddenly, she is there in her jean jacket and baby doll dress. “Katniss.”

She toys with her braid nervously as she approaches me. “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“I’m here to take you back,” she replies simply.

“Back where?”

I hear giggling in the fields, a child’s high pitched giggle, and it fills me with a crazy longing that I can’t even explain.

“To her,” Katniss tells me.

“You should go, Peeta,” Cinna says to me, his eyes filled with melancholy. “It’s getting late.”

I hold my hand out to him. “Aren’t you coming with me?”

He shakes his head and looks around. “I think I’ll stay here. It’s just as beautiful as you described it.”

Cinna walks towards me and pulls me in for a hug.

I tighten my hold on him and tears fill my eyes because I can feel the goodbye in the way he holds me.

“You’re a good man, Peeta,” Cinna says, his voice rough. “You’re going to do great things. I’m betting on it.” He looks over to where Katniss is standing. “Take care of each other.”

“We have to go.” Glimmer is beside him and she takes his hand. She gives me a grin. “We’ll be watching over you. And her, too.”

Cinna winks at me and smiles. “Not all the time—we promise.” His dark eyes glitter with sadness. “Goodbye, Peeta.”

Katniss’ hand finds mine and I tighten my hold on hers as I nod once more at my friend.

“Goodbye, Cinna.”

She is pulling me away towards the golden fields and the child’s laughter as Glimmer and Cinna walk towards the now rising sun.

++++++

**_8:00PM (EST)_ **

_Manhattan, New York_

“Peeta.”

My eyes adjust to the light and I’m looking up into a pair of dark brown eyes. As my eyes focus more, the woman above me lets out a relieved sigh.

Suddenly, I can feel my back rising and I realize that I’m in a hospital bed. Judging from the scrubs she’s wearing, the woman before me is probably a nurse.

“Do you know where you are?” she asks. Wordlessly, I shake my head. My whole body aches. “You’re at Mount Sinai hospital. I’m your nurse, Octavia.”

“What happened?” My voice sounds like I’ve swallowed rocks.

“The building you were in partially collapsed from the impact,” she informs me. “Thankfully some firefighters were nearby and pulled most of you out.”

“There was a man—”

“He’s already gone,” Octavia says as she puts a blood pressure cuff on me. “He wanted to make sure you had your camera with you.” She goes to the chair in the corner and holds up my battered camera bag. “I told him that I’d make sure you got it.”

“How long was I out?” I ask her.

“According to the report, they found you around noon.” Pulling a machine closer to me, she presses a button and I feel the cuff tighten around my arm. “When you arrived here at around 2:30, you were unconscious with a laceration on your hip and you’ve also damaged your left tibia. They had to sedate you because you were thrashing so much during your X-rays.”

I’ve been out for most of the day. My Dad must be freaking out.

Cinna must be freaking out.

Scenes engulf my mind. Images of the golden vineyard and Glimmer in her fur coat giving me a soft kiss. Sounds of high-pitched laughter and Katniss’ warm hand holding mine as she pulls me away.

The feel of Cinna’s arms around me and the look in his eyes as he tells me goodbye.

Next thing I know, I am sobbing into my hands because inside I know that Cinna is never coming back.

“It’s been a hard day for all of us,” Octavia says and I can hear the tears in her voice.

I wipe my eyes hastily and look up at her. Tears roll down her face as she gazes down at me with warmth in her eyes.

“Are you hungry?” she asks and I shake my head. She takes a cup from my side table and pours some water from the plastic pitcher next to it.

Placing a straw in the cup, Octavia holds it to my lips so I can drink. “You’re probably going to be here at least a day or two for observation. Is there anyone that you need to call?”

“My Dad,” I reply after I’m done drinking. “He lives on the West Coast and must be freaking out.”

“There’s a phone on the side table. Press 9 to call out.” Octavia rolls my tray table over to me and places the phone on it before refilling my cup once more. “The remote to call me is to your left. Let me know when you’re done because I’m going have to check your bandages.”

“Thanks.” She nods sadly before leaving the room.

Trembling, I reach for the phone and begin to dial. My heart beats wildly as I hear the ringing.

“Hello?”

The sound of Dad’s voice causes everything to rise up in me and I have to take a deep breath before replying.

My voice is thick with tears. “Dad, it’s Peeta.”

“Oh God…” A sob escapes his mouth. “Are you okay? Where are you?”

“I’m at Mount Sinai Hospital.” I begin to tremble. “I was in a building that collapsed.  I’m okay, but there’s some sort of bandage on my hip and my left leg—there’s something wrong with it…” Everything inside me begins to boil over and I’m shaking so hard. “And Cinna… Something happened to him, I know it.”

“Hang in there, son,” Dad replies through his own tears. “I’m getting on the first plane available once they start flying again

“Hurry, please,” I plea. My body feels so cold. “I don’t want to be alone.”

++++++

**_6:00PM (PST)_ **

_San Francisco, CA_

“I’m not going to call again,” Thresh argues with me. “I can’t bother his family anymore, sweetie. They’re waiting too and me calling isn’t helping.”

“You have to find someone!” I know how irrational I sound. It’s been hours and I’m slowly dying inside. “I can’t just sit here and wait—I CAN’T! Give me the phone number!”

I don’t care anymore.

“NO!” Thresh has had enough with me. He grabs my shoulders. “Listen to yourself, Katniss. You sound like someone—”

I straighten my back and meet his eyes. “I sound like what?”

We are alone in the den, the television glowing in front of us with the day’s events. Johanna is giving Adina a bath. Dad is in the kitchen with Prim, who drove here right after her last class to be with me. They are preparing dinner as Portia, my Dad’s girlfriend, is expected from her office any minute.

Cato has disappeared upstairs for a nap.

“You sound like someone still not over her past,” he says quietly. “Like you’re still in love with him.” Thresh looks into my eyes. “You’re engaged, Katniss. Remember that.”

I shake my head as the hot tears hit my cheeks. “You don’t understand. I _need_ him.”

A phone rings, causing Thresh and I to freeze.

“Oh shit—my mom gave me her cell.” He reaches into his pocket and opens the phone. “Hello? Mr. Mellark?”

Thresh moves away from me and I sink to my knees.

“Katniss?” Prim kneels next to me and takes my hand.

She understands me more than anyone else. We’ve been through hell and back together.

We watch Thresh talking on the phone, nodding frantically as he listens to Peeta’s father.

“Okay…okay,” Thresh says and I see him wipe his eyes. “Thank God! Tell Peeta—” He looks over at me. “That we love him and we’re thinking of him. I’ll call in a few days. Have a safe trip, sir.” Thresh closes the phone. “Peeta is fine. He’s in Mount Sinai Hospital with hip and leg injuries.”

“Where was he this whole time?” Prim asks my friend.

“According to the nurse that Mr. Mellark talked to, Peeta was around Tribeca, stuck in some old building. When the North Tower fell, the impact of it caused the building he was in to partially collapse. Peeta and everyone else inside were rescued but he was unconscious for most of it. He only woke up about an hour ago.”

Prim looks over at me happily. “He’s okay, Katniss.”

My body suddenly sags in relief and all of the tension inside me releases as I begin to sob.

Everyone thing around me fades except for the lone thought that he is alive.

Somewhere in New York, his heart is still beating. Does it still beat for me?

I know in that secret part inside me that I refused to acknowledge until today, my heart beats only for him.

I feel someone lift me up and I already know who it is.

I look up and find myself cradled in Cato’s arms, a myriad of emotions in his eyes, but the pain in them is clear. I feel him shaking under it as he holds me.

Prim and Thresh watch us, afraid to move, because it might break us both.

“We should talk,” Cato finally says.

I meet his eyes and nod solemnly. I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my head against his shoulder.

He carries me up the stairs to our room just as a groom would carry his bride.

The irony of the situation isn’t lost on either of us.

Cato lays me down on the bed and my hand grabs his to pull him to me. He stretches out on his side and I put my head on his chest.

“What now?” I ask him.

“Do you love me?”

I push myself up and turn to him. “Of course I do. I wouldn’t have accepted your proposal if I didn’t.”

“That’s not the answer to my question,” he responds curtly. Cato pushes himself up and meets my eyes. “I feel like I’m always fighting for your heart, Katniss. It would be worth it if I had just a little bit of it, but seeing you like this has made me realize something.”

“What?”

“It was long gone before I was even in the picture.” He looks down for a moment and when our eyes meet again, I see the tears running down his face.

“I tried so hard to make you mine, Katniss.”

I feel my own eyes water and bury my face in my hands. I’ve been lying to him and to myself. As much as I want to, I can’t stop loving Peeta, and it’s not just because of Adina. It is because in my heart, I choose not to stop loving him.

I should have never led Cato on.

“I’m so sorry.” My hand reaches behind his neck and our foreheads touch as we begin sobbing against one another, both of us barely able to breathe. “I wish I could’ve been what you wanted me to be.”

Our lips meet once, tasting of tears and longing.

“I love you, Katniss Everdeen,” Cato whispers in the darkness of the room.

Pulling away, I take the ring off my finger and hold it out to him. We stare at one another, a mutual understanding passing between us before he nods and takes the ring from me, placing it in his pocket.

Lying back on the bed, Cato holds his arms out to me and I find myself resting my head against his chest again.

“Rest,” he tells me, a tremble in his voice as he runs his fingers through my hair soothingly. “It’s going to be a hard couple of weeks.”

++++++

**_Tuesday, September 25, 2001_ **

_Manhattan, New York_

“CINNA!”

My eyes fly open and I find myself surrounded in darkness.

_Where am I?_

A door opens and my Dad is rushing to my side. He pushes my sweaty hair away from my forehead and takes a towel off my side table to press against my temple.

“It’s okay,” he assures me and turns on my bedside lamp. “You’re home.”

I’m not really home.

It took firefighters two days to find Cinna and his friend, both taken from smoke inhalation, as they tried to exit the North Tower.

By then Lorraine, Cinna’s mother, had flown down from Chicago and was able to identify him at the hospital where they were keeping his body.

Lorraine asked me if I wanted to see him, but I couldn’t.

I wanted to remember him as he was.

My dream of him and Glimmer gave me more comfort than the words spoken at his funeral. The service had been packed full of friends and family, both from the fashion and non-fashion world, as we remembered my best friend.

He had been the one to teach me how to love New York and love again. And now he’s gone.

I sat numb, holding his mother’s hand, as I gripped my support cane with the other. For now, I am using crutches for walking and going to physical therapy until I can get my range of motion back. When it’s cold, the pain in my leg is unbearable and I can’t stand to move.

Sometimes, for other reasons, I choose to not to get out of bed at all.

“I can’t stay here,” I tell Dad as he helps me sit up. “This isn’t my home. It’s his.”

After becoming a big hit in New York’s fashion world, Cinna had expanded his business by buying out his neighbors and taking over his floor of the building. I had my own studio for test shoots and walk-throughs. He had a place for sketching and putting up fabric boards for his big, grandiose fashion line that was supposed to come out. It would have taken him to Paris.

I was surprised to find out, after the funeral and the reading of his will, that he had left his home, this floor—to me.

Dad had taken Cinna’s room at my insistence while I took the room that I usually slept in when I was too drunk to walk down a flight of stairs.

“He wanted you to have it,” Dad tells me gently. “Because he thought of you as a brother—as his family.”

I laugh gruffly. “Of all people to pick.”

Sitting up, I take a sip from the glass of water on my side table.

“That sly fucker—he even made Glimmer his witness for the will signing.” I carefully rest my back against the headboard. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t been able to pick up my camera.”

“Why?”

I close my eyes. “Because…” I can’t tell him that every time I do, all I hear are screams and the feeling of the ground rumbling beneath me. “I’m just not ready.”

“It’s only been two weeks,” he replies. “Give yourself time.”

I look over at him, my mouth beginning to quiver.

“Will it get better? When Mom passed—how did you get through it?”

“I cried a lot, behind closed doors.” Dad looks over at me. “I knew that I had to go on eventually—for you and your brothers. In time, I realized that I had to go on for myself.”

I feel so empty and it scares the shit out of me. What do I have to go on for?

The memory of high-pitch giggling rings in my ears.

“Peeta, I found something for you,” Dad suddenly says and stands up. “Hold on for a moment.” Walking out of the room, he swiftly returns holding a bright orange shoe box with the Nike logo. “It has your name on the top.”

I trace the familiar cursive with my finger before taking it. When I lift the cover, I find old movie tickets and photos that were taken of us, some of them with Glimmer. I flip through them and I smile remembering when these photos were taken; the latest photo is from Cinna’s 30th birthday party.

When I flip to the last photo, I’m surprised to find a picture of Katniss.

More specifically, it’s the first one I took of her.

The last two things inside are a red velvet box and an envelope with my name on it.

Opening the red box, I see the rose gold ring that Cinna had purchased at the market, but it’s been completely redone. He added on prongs resembling sunrays and changed the center gem to an actual diamond. The tiny diamonds around the new one are all sparkling—I’m sure that he’s replaced some of them.

The work on it is meticulous—it is so him.

I hand the box to Dad. “Cinna designed it.”

My father stares at the ring. “It’s breathtaking.”

I turn the envelope to pull the letter out and inhale sharply at seeing his familiar script.

“Do you want me to read it?” Dad asks softly and I nod before looking at the floor in front of me.

I hear him unfold the parchment and take a deep breath before he begins reading:

_December 2001_

_Dear Peeta,_

_Merry Christmas! I’m sure this looks strange, but just trust me, okay? If I wanted to propose to you,the ring would’ve been MUCH gaudier. Haha…_

_This ring is yours because you were the inspiration for it._

_I know you’re not over her._

_Remember your graduation party? That night as I cleaned up, you asked me (drunkenly) if I wanted to hear a story. You started telling me about Katniss—about your weekends in Sonoma and how you would sneak off to make love in the empty vineyards._

_You told me that it was the happiest time of your life._

_And although you are content here in New York, every photo, every move, every breath you take is for her. You want to make yourself worthy of her._

_The thing is, Peeta —you are more than worthy of her. Everything you’ve done is not because you are unworthy—it is because Katniss, in some way, made you want to become a better person. She’s done her job because watching you graduate last spring and seeing you with your family brought me a greater happiness than I could’ve ever thought possible._

_I’m so proud of you, brother._

_The way you see the world is beautiful. Your optimism and innocence has touched my inner cynic and your strength throughout the years has astounded me. When we lost Glimmer, I thought that we would fall apart, but your loyalty and encouragement of me has only made us stronger. Don’t ever lose these wonderful qualities._

_This ring is for her. To show her that you never forgot her or the way she made you feel. How despite time and distance, when you close your eyes you still see her in your dreams—“golden and skin rosy from the sun”—a direct quote from your inebriated self._

_I understand now. As much as I’ve tried to help you move on, it’s no use. Your love is real._

_Fight for her, Peeta. If, in the end, she still won’t have you, know you gave it your all and you will have been a better person for trying._

_It isn’t difficult to fall in love, what’s difficult is staying in love._

_I also wanted to say thank you for loving Glimmer. You gave her something no one else could— someone who loved her unconditionally. You made her feel safe to be herself until the very end, and neither I nor she could thank you enough for that._

_My other present to you is a chance to go back to San Francisco like Glimmer wanted you to. We can go together and it’s your choice whether or not you want to see Katniss. I’ll be there no matter what—no judgment on whatever you decide._

_I just want you to try. Because life has to go on, despite our losses._

_Your brother,_

_Cinna”_

Something inside me breaks and I don’t recognize the wailing that’s echoing across the room is actually me. The tears fall hot and fast down my face as I sob for my friend.

The realization that he is gone has hit me hard. Never will I see him bent over his sketching table working on a design or hear him singing show tunes as we set up for a photo shoot.

Cinna has died. My brother is dead.

“Oh God!”

Another sob rips through me and my Dad is rocking me in his arms as he watches me fall apart.

++++++

**_Friday, September 28, 2001_ **

_San Francisco, CA_

“You okay?” Cato asks me as we stand in front of her door.

I shake my head. “No. Are you?”

He shakes his head.

“Glad we are both in agreement,” I tell him.

We have racked our brains trying to figure out how to tell her that we weren’t getting married. We’ve already talked to our parents as well as our friends about it. It was a mutual decision on both our parts and we’ve remained friends despite everything.

Cato takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. He looks nervous and I’m sure that my own face mirrors his. He received his MCAT results and an invitation to continue his education at Stanford, which he has accepted.

He’s already found an apartment and will be moving this weekend.

I knock on Adina’s door and open it slightly to see her with Johanna. They are sitting on her bed with an open book in front of them.

Johanna meets my eyes and Adina grins at me. “Hi, Mommy!”

“Hey, baby,” I greet her. “Cato and I want to talk to you. Would it be okay if you finished your story with Auntie Jo-Jo later?”

She nods and Johanna closes the book, then kisses her on the forehead. Opening the door, Cato walks in as Johanna steps out.

Our eyes meet and she squeezes my shoulder. “Good luck.”

Closing the door behind me, I see Cato sitting on the bed with Adina. I join them after a moment.

“Baby, we need to talk to you,” I say as I adjust to a sitting position.

She looks over at me, her eyes bright. “Okay.”

I meet Cato’s eyes and he nods. “Cato and I have decided that we’re not going to get married anymore.”

“Oh, okay,” she replies and hops off the bed. Adina walks over to her little table next to her bed and sits with the teddy bears placed in the other chairs.

Cato and I look at one another; her casualness about this makes us uneasy.

“Deenie, do you understand what this means?” he asks after a moment.

She turns to him and smiles. “It means Mommy won’t wear a white dress like my Barbie. I don’t like white anyway.”

“No, honey,” I tell her as I approach her and then kneel in front of her. “It means a little more. It means that Cato won’t be living with us anymore.”

“Why?” Adina turns to Cato, the grey in her eyes shimmering. “You don’t want to be my pretend Daddy anymore? Did I do something wrong?”

I turn to him, confused.

We had fought about the fact that I didn’t want Adina to call Cato her dad. It just didn’t seem fair when her real father has no idea that she even exists.

“It was the only way to get her to understand,” he tells me. “I guess that doesn’t matter anymore.”

He approaches her and then kneels in front of her. Tears run down his face as he cups her tiny face in his large hands.

“No, Deenie –you didn’t do anything wrong, I just can’t be your pretend Daddy anymore.”

Her face begins to crumble and she shakes herself away from him. “But I wanna have a Daddy! Everyone else in my class has one. I want one, too!”

Her plea breaks my heart and I can see Cato faltering.

“Oh honey, just because Cato isn’t going to be your Daddy—it doesn’t mean that he can’t see you or that he loves you any less,” I assure her.

“It’s not real,” Adina argues and then she looks at him. “You have to stay with me. You promised!”

He pulls her into his arms. “Oh Deenie, I love you so much.” I see his body shake with sobs. “We can still talk all the time.”

I touch her back. “I’m so sorry, Adina—“

She turns to me, her eyes blazing. “WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HAVE A DADDY? I WANT A DADDY! I WANT CATO TO BE MY DADDY!”

Adina has never thrown a tantrum. She’s never yelled.  For the first time in years, I don’t know what to do.

“Deenie, your Mommy and I have decided that this is for the best,” Cato says when he sees the look on my face. “Don’t be angry with us.”

She doesn’t reply.

Instead, Adina pushes past both of us and jumps onto her bed, turning to face the window. She grabs a little stuffed duck as she does, holding it against her chest.

Pressing her face against the little duck, Adina begins to weep softly.

I walk towards her and my hand reaches to touch her. “Adina—”

“Go away,” she cries brokenly.

Cato takes my hand and pulls me towards the door. We walk out and softly close it behind us.

In the dim hallway, we hold each other and cry over what could’ve been.

++++++

**_Friday, September 28, 2001_ **

_The New York Times Offices, Manhattan, New York_

“Thank you for meeting with me,” Caesar Flickerman, editor for the Times, says after we shake hands. “Once again, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about Cinna—I know you two were good friends.”

I nod, my eyes still stinging from the constant fits of crying that I’ve had over the last few days.

“Thank you,” I respond in a rough voice. “Why did you want to meet with me?”

“We wanted to write some tribute pieces and even add some photographs,” he informs me. “I wanted to know if you would be willing to contribute. We want to run it in our October 1st paper—new month, new start, you know.”

“I don’t have any photos,” I tell him. “None that I’d want to be seen anyway.”

“What do you have on you?” I hand him the portfolio with my latest photos.

I almost ruined the last roll that I developed in my darkroom. Dad found me sitting in the corner of the room surrounded by nothing but photos of Cinna and battered red telephones.

Caesar looks through the pile before stopping. He looks up at me as he rubs his thumb and index finger against his scruffy beard.

“I think we might have something,” he says to me. “Will you do it?”

_I just want you to try._ Cinna’s words echo in my mind.

I want to try for him and for myself. I can only hope that she reads it.

“I’ll have my written piece done by tomorrow.”

Pushing myself up slowly, I take my camera bag and hang it across my chest. My crutches are against his desk and he stands up to hand them to me.

“Do you need help?” he asks. I sense that he’s uncomfortable, so I shake my head.

“I can take care of myself,” I reply easily and hold out my hand for him to shake. “I’ll be in touch.”

He shakes it and then opens his office door for me.

I steady myself before swinging my crutches, one in front of the other as I leave his office.

I’m getting better with Dad’s help, as well as physical therapy. I know it’s not going to be easy.

These days, life in New York is far from easy.

Taking the elevator down, I walk out of the building and see crimson leaves flying against my wind. When did it become fall?

My eyes spot a park across the street and the crosswalk signals me to walk that way, so I do. The park is placed in the middle of concrete buildings.

It’s so strange to see sunset orange leaves among the grey. Strange, but lovely.

_The way you see the world is beautiful._

Sitting on a bench, I take out my camera. Leaves fly around me and suddenly— _click_.

The feeling of taking my first photo since that day sends me reeling and I have to take a deep breath to steady myself.

I’m going to be okay. _Right?_

High-pitched giggling rings in my ears. I look around frantically, searching for her.

The rush of footsteps from behind catches my ear and before I can react, I see a tiny, dark-haired girl run past me as she pulls a flying red balloon.

My hands find my camera quickly and I find the girl through the viewer of my lens.

Suddenly, she turns to me and flashes me a bright smile.

++++++

**_Monday, October 1, 2001_ **

_San Francisco, CA_

Cato is gone.

Yesterday evening, after dinner with Adina in her room, since she refuses to leave it—he took the last of his things and left.

The only thing I have left of him is the shirt that I wore to sleep. I admit, I like the familiarity of his scent against me and surrounding myself in it actually helped as I lay lonely in our bed last night.

I need to replace that thing.

“You okay?”

I look up to see Johanna and Thresh standing in front of the kitchen table. They both look tired.

I can only imagine how I look.

“I’m fine,” I reply. “Why?”

“You’ve been stirring your coffee for five minutes,” Johanna replies with a smirk.

“How’s our little princess?” Thresh asks, putting his bag down before sitting in the chair across from me.

“Still not talking to me,” I tell him. “Cato told her that he’s coming to her birthday party though, so she’s happy about that. He even got a hug out of her.”

“Ouch.” Johanna sits next to me and looks over at Thresh. She nods and he nods back.

I look at both of them, “Okay, what?”

Thresh bends down to reach his bag and he pulls out a newspaper. He slides it across the table to me.

“It’s a special section in _The New York Times_ ,” he tells me.

Taking the paper, I unfold it and turn the page, and the air leaves my body.

I look up at them. “His photo?”

It’s a silly question—I know that only Peeta Mellark could make something as simple as a red phone incredibly powerful. The dust covered red phone lying helplessly on the floor conveys so much more.

It shows the helplessness of the person taking the picture. The helplessness of the situation.

I look up to see my friends watching me carefully. Folding the paper back up, I stand from the kitchen table.

“I have to talk to Adina,” I tell them.

Thresh nods at me. “Good luck.”

++++++

When I enter Adina’s room, I find her at her little work table. She looks up at me before going back to her coloring.

“I know you’re mad at me,” I start and then sit on her bed. “I don’t blame you—I haven’t been a very good Mommy lately. And I know how much you wanted Cato to be your Daddy, but he can’t be.”

Adina continues to ignore me.

“The reason he can’t is because you have a real Daddy,” I tell her.

She turns to me, her eyes wide and curious like Peeta’s. “I do?”

I nod at her and feel the weight of tears filling my eyes.

“You do.” Adina approaches me carefully and I pull her up so she is sitting next to me on the bed. “I brought you something.”

Reaching behind me, I hand her a simple wooden box. “These are your Daddy’s things—our things, actually.” She opens it slowly and looks up at me for an explanation. “These are movie tickets from our first date. Your Auntie Jo-Jo tricked us by telling us it was a group outing and when I arrived, he was the only one there.”

“Auntie Jo-Jo is silly,” she says with a smile. “What are these?” Adina holds up a cassette tape.

“These are tapes of our favorite songs. Your Daddy and I would go on drives and play them while we were on the road.” I smile to myself remembering his loud, off-key singing and the wind against my face as we drove down the bumpy roads. “The last tape only has one song.”

“Why?”

“It’s a song about someone asking the person they love to come away with them.” I put an arm around her and she snuggles against me.

“Did my Daddy want you to come away with him?”

“I think so.” I kiss the top of her head. “I couldn’t because I wanted to be your Mommy more.” I turn to her. “I know you’re only a little girl right now and you might not understand what I’m telling you—but grown-ups make mistakes.”

“Like what?”

I take a deep breath before continuing.

“Adina, your Daddy didn’t know I was having you when he went away,” I say and feel the heavy tears run down my face. “I didn’t want him to know. I’m so sorry, baby.”

My daughter looks at me, still and silent. I shake under her stare—his stare.

I look down at my hands. “I know that you’re angry with me and I understand why,” I tell her. “It’s hard to be the different one in school. Everyone else has a Daddy, so you should have one, too. And you do—but he’s just far away.”

Her little hand suddenly touches my face. “Don’t cry, Mommy.” She buries her face in my chest. “I didn’t mean to yell—are you going to go away, too?”

I hold her tighter to me. “Never ever.” I rock her against me. “I will never leave you—even when you don’t want me around.”

She wraps her arms around my waist to bury herself closer to me.

We sit quietly wrapped together, both lost in our thoughts. I know that she will have more questions when she’s older and might even be angry at me at some point, but I’m willing to take it.

I can’t hide him anymore.

“What is my Daddy’s name?” she asks me after a moment.

“His name is Peeta Mellark.” I reach into the box and hand her the photo of seventeen year old me. “He took this picture because that’s what he does—he’s a photographer.”

She traces the picture with her small finger before looking up at me. “What does he look like?”

“You have his eyes.” I cup her face in my hands and she grins. “And his beautiful smile.”

“Really?” Her face glows at the thought. “What else?”

“When you think something is really funny or I tickle you—” I poke her sides and she lets out a boisterous laugh. “You laugh just like him.”

“Mommy, do you think he would like me if he met me?”

Her question takes me aback. I worry that that she will one day grow up insecure about herself, always pining for the unattainable father.

It doesn’t have to be that way. I won’t let it.

“ _When_ he meets you, he’s going to love you,” I finally reply. “Because you have the best of both of us in you.”

Adina suddenly yawns and I lay back so she can nestle herself against me.

“Can I show you something?” She nods tiredly and I reach over next to the wooden box on the bed to grab the newspaper. I open the page to show her Peeta’s picture. “Your Daddy took this photo.”

The photo takes up about three-quarters of the page with the last portion being his written piece.

Adina stares at it in wonder. “Daddy takes great pictures. My Daddy takes pictures.”

She is already making a list of things she knows about him.

I will try to add to it whenever I can.

 “He does, doesn’t he?” I kiss the top of her head. “He even wrote something to go along with the photo.”

“Will you read it to me?”

“Of course.”

Adina buries her head in the crook of her shoulder as I begin to read:

_“I suppose I’ll forget one day._

_But to me—to forget that day would be like trying to forget Cinna, my best friend and my brother._

_I want to remember his last smile, and his excited wave as we parted ways for what we didn’t know would be the last time._

_At the same time, to remember is to hear screaming, to feel the ground roar under me, to feel dust and debris hit my face, to taste my tears and to hear hushed prayers in a dark room._

_I am conflicted and confused, as I imagine a lot of us are. We’ll spend our time trying to figure what we want to remember and what we want to forget._

_What is real and not real._

_We will spend our time trying to find reasons and explanations: Why did this happen? Could we have stopped it?_

_Why didn’t he or she make it out?_

_What would I do in the face of death? Who would I be thinking about when it came?_

_I suppose many of you are wondering why I chose this image. Why this battered red phone?_

_In the darkness of the room, it was the only brightness in it. It was my only shred of hope in a helpless situation—a way to keep my sanity._

_I suppose I’m an optimist—always looking for the star in the black, smoky sky. Always waiting for autumn to pass and for spring to come again. Always searching for high-pitched laughter and golden smiles in bare vines._

_Always reminding myself that life has to go on despite our losses._

_I didn’t always think like this—Cinna taught me to be this way._

_And for that, I will always be grateful._

_-Peeta Mellark”_

Adina is asleep when I finish reading and I’m glad that she hasn’t seen my tears. Carefully, I untangle myself so that her head rests against the pillow.

As I move to stand up, I feel her hand suddenly grasp mine and our eyes meet, a sense of sadness and understanding passing between us.

Deep inside, Adina knows that he’s not ready for us yet, so she will wait. She is an optimist like him.

“Stay with me, Mommy?”

I nod and lay back, resting my head against her pillow as she nestles herself back into the familiar crook of my arm.

Her eyes close and I inhale her sweet scent, whispering as I exhale into the serenity of the room.

“Always.”

* * *

 

Once again, this is fiction. Any similarity of an event is purely coincidental.

For me, this is more about the aftermath and the changes that come with a tragedy like this.

When I finished this several months ago, I was honestly burnt out from writing it.

Notes:

The North Tower was hit at 8:46am (EST) by American Airlines Flight 11. There were 92 fatalities (including the hijackers) from the plane and 1600 fatalities in the North Tower. The North Tower collapsed at 10:28am (EST).

The South Tower was hit at 9:03am (EST) by United Airlines Flight 175. There were 65 fatalities (including the hijackers) from the plane and 900 fatalities in the South Tower. The South Tower collapsed at 9:59am (EST).

“Glory Be” and “Hail, Holy Queen” are two Catholic prayers usually said when holding rosary beads, which the man in the suit had with him.

The man is modeled after my Uncle—he mentions his own story, except he wasn’t stuck in a building.

There are lines taken from the actual book, but I’m sure you’ve seen them.

“Dora the Explorer” is an animated series from Nickelodeon. It became a regular show in 2000 and was one of my niece’s favorite cartoons.

Mount Sinai is a hospital located on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.

Tribeca (“Triangle Below Canal Street”) is a New York City neighborhood.

The ring that Cinna designed can be found on my Tumblr—let me know if you want to see it.

Reviews, messages and hellos on Tumblr, AO3 and FF are always appreciated.

Thanks for reading, my loves.

-JLaLa


	35. Chapter Thirty-Four: 2013

Thank you for all your wonderful feedback—hope you’re hanging there because we’re getting to the end…

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to my beta Chelzie for all of her hard work!

_She holds the hand that holds her down_   
_She will... rise above..._   
_Don't call me daughter--not fit to…_   
_The picture kept will remind me…_

_-Pearl Jam “Daughter” (1993)_

Again

Part Four, Chapter 34: 2013

**_Tuesday, March 12, 2013, 6:30PM_ **

**Bay Area Counseling - San Francisco Chapter**

Peeta stops speaking, his face wet with tears but his eyes remain strong – fixed on me and on our daughter. Adina is also in tears, barely holding in her sobs. Every so often she lets out a choked, wet snort into the silent air.

The only sound, at this point, is the quiet writing of Dr. Aurelius on his legal pad—he filled dozens of pages during Peeta’s story, choosing to remain silent during the whole session. It was his way of keeping Peeta talking.

Finally, Adina turns to Peeta. “How can you still be okay after all of that, Dad?” She shakes her head in disbelief, her arms wrapped tightly around her small body. “I don’t think I could handle it if I was in your place.”

He meets my eyes because Peeta knows I already have the answer for her.

“Because your father loved them.” I take her hand as I look into his deep blues that are swimming with unshed tears. “And though it hurt to watch Glimmer suffer and to lose Cinna – if he was asked, he would do it all again in a nanosecond.”

“Why, Daddy?” Adina’s voice is so soft, and Peeta gazes at her lovingly as he puts an arm around her.

“Because even though I had one horrible period of time where I was in pain—I wouldn’t trade it for the millions of times that I spent in happiness with Cinna and Glimmer. I wouldn’t change a thing because it was special enough to have known them.” He looks over at me tenderly. “Just like I know that although your mother went through so much—her mother leaving, giving me up, and being unable to have any more children—she would never change the past if she could.”

Adina looks over at me. “Why?”

“Because of you.” I swallow back my tears as I reach over to touch her face. “Your smile and laughter are the most precious parts of my life. Suffering through all of that doesn’t compare to what I have with you.”

“You see, Adina,” Peeta says. “That’s what love is. It has nothing to do with moments of pain or regret—those mean nothing in the end because love is infinite.”

++++++

“I’ve been thinking about my mother,” I tell Peeta, later that night.

Peeta looks over at me from across our bed. “Oh, yeah?” He pulls back our comforter so I can settle onto my side as he follows me in, both of us lying back against the upholstered headboard. “You’ve never really talked about your phone calls with her. How have they been going?”

“They haven’t, really,” I admit and turn to him. “Our conversations are well…weird, and it’s really difficult because I’m not used to this. I’ve always been able to talk to Adina so comfortably. Why is it so hard for us?”

Peeta takes my hand, kissing my fingertips before intertwining his fingers between mine. “You’re still mad at her and that’s understandable. She left you at a hard point in your life and it’s not very easy to come back from that.”

“She’s my mother,” I say to him. “I came from her, but it’s like the moment she left—the connection was severed. I’m not sure if it can be fixed.” I look over at him and my eyes begin to burn so I look down. “We’re family. Shouldn’t it be easier?”

Peeta lifts my drooping chin and our eyes connect. “Family doesn’t have anything to do with blood, Katniss. I mean look at Glimmer and Cinna—they’re as much family to me as any of my blood relatives. Connecting with someone is about more than being related to them—you have to want it. Both of you.”

“So what do you suggest?”

“Why don’t you invite her here?” he tells me gently. “Give her a chance to get to know you and Adina. After all, Adina will be leaving for Juilliard in a few months—your mother might never get the chance to see her. Also, you might get the chance to really get everything out.”

“What do you mean?”

Peeta puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close.  “You have demons with her, Katniss. Kind of the same ones we had with each other.” His lips press against my hair and I inhale his light cologne as I close my eyes. “I’m afraid that if you don’t fix this—it will eat away at you until there is nothing left. I don’t want that for you.”

“I will never let that happen,” I tell him, though I see the pain in his eyes. “Not with you and Adina with me.”

“Trust me, sometimes you can lose yourself in the pain,” he replies softly. “Sometimes it can be so bad that you don’t know if you’ll ever find your way out of it.”

“When did that happen?” I ask him.

“A year after Cinna died; I’d never felt so alone. I stopped coming out of my apartment—Cinna’s apartment—and I stopped taking pictures again. I was surrounded by both of them. Cinna had pictures of all three of us at his place. My Dad was the one who took me to get checked out when he made a surprise visit and found me half-alive with a liquor bottle in my hand.”

“So what happened after that?”

“I went to a psychiatrist and that’s how the pills came into my life,” he tells me. “I also started talking to a therapist and I think that was what helped me get me out of my semi-coma. Little by little, I started taking down the pictures and replacing them with others. Ones that reminded me of better times and then I decided to open the studio with some help from my Dad. Cinna’s mom came to the opening and when I saw her—it was the first time I didn’t cry when thinking of Cinna.”

“What pictures did you put up?”

“The group one, of course. The one of Cinna and Glimmer singing at that bar in Hell’s Kitchen. That first one of you…”

Our eyes meet once more and the fullness in them causes my breath to hitch. After all this time, Peeta still does this to me.

“Your picture is the first thing that people would see when they came into the studio, and the last one they would see when they leave.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re how I learned to love life again.” Pressing his forehead against mine, I close my eyes listening to him whisper. “After all that, I told myself it was all for you. Because I knew one day I would see you and I needed to prove my worth not just to you, but to myself.”

My mouth finds his and I caress his shaky lips against my firm ones, his words burning into me.

“You never needed to prove yourself to me,” I murmur into his mouth.  My eyes open to see his filled with need. “I was always proud of you. I always knew how talented you were.” My legs guide themselves over his lap so I’m straddling him and my hands move to the hem of his shirt to pull it over his head. “If anything, I needed to prove that I was worthy of being forgiven.”

I pull my own t-shirt over my head and feel the cool air hit my skin immediately. A groan escapes Peeta’s lips at the sight of my puckered nipples and his hands move to my shoulders, warming my skin. Slowly, he guides me forward so we are pressed against one another and his lips are trailing the juncture between my forearm and collarbone.

“We’re getting there,” he tells me, his warm breath causing my lower half to twist in that familiar tug of pleasure. “You and I will get there together.”

My hands reach to cup his face and he looks up at me hungrily. Then my mouth is on his—no thoughts between us but the need to feel our skin pressed against one another. I feel him hard against my thighs and I’m tugging his pajama bottoms off, his hips moving quickly to help me.

When they are finally off, I press my covered mound against his erection.  Peeta has foregone his briefs, as he has learned that I’m an impatient woman. Tonight, however, he’s the one who is desperate for us to be together.

Peeta kisses me eagerly before ripping his mouth away, his blue eyes glazed over in want. “Off. Take them off.”

I can’t help but grin as I slowly shift myself to remove the one barrier that keeps us from coming together. This part of our relationship has changed quite a bit from when we were kids. As beginners, we weren’t about experimenting with foreplay but more about logistics.

“Eager, aren’t we?” I place a kiss on his neck and he shudders in pleasure.

“If you had my view,” he starts as his mouth finds a nipple and flicks his tongue over it, causing another pleasurable pull to happen inside me. My core is practically guiding itself to his cock. “You’d be eager, too.”

“I think I like my view from here.”

My wet lower lips tease the tip of his hardness and he moans, his mouth pressing between my breasts.  Slowly, I sink onto him, wanting to enjoy the feeling of every ridge of him caressing my insides. I can feel myself envelop him until he is fully inside me.

For a moment, we are silent except for the sounds of our heavy breathing. We are just us—enjoying this moment of being together. If anything, we’ve both learned to cherish these great moments because we’ve had so many shitty ones.

“Move…please…” he pleads and I can see how clenched his jaw is, trying to keep himself in check.

I push myself onto my knees and the feeling of him pulling out quickly causes a cry to escape from my throat. His strong hands find my waist to help guide him back inside me as I begin to pick up the pace and we find our rhythm. Then there is nothing but the sounds of our flesh moving desperately against one another as I ride his cock.

God, he feels amazing.

I don’t know how I went so many years without feeling him pressed inside me when now the thought of being alone brings me to tears. This feeling of wholeness—it’s overwhelming. My hands wrap around his neck as we move and I watch him writhe in desire. The feeling of being able to make him feel this way just spurs me on and my hips begin to move on their own accord, grinding onto his to find my release.

I don’t need to tell him that I’m close because Peeta’s hold on my hips tightens and he pushes up to meet my own frantic movements. I cry out again as he plunges upward, hitting me deep against my cervix and causing a painful pleasure to course through me.

Then I’m coming—my orgasm hitting me unaware and gripping him tightly. His mouth finds my ear, biting it before a long moan falls out of his mouth along with a repeated litany of my name as he releases into me.

My forehead falls against his shoulder as I let out an incoherent jumble of words. Our bodies are covered in sweat and we are stuck together, but there is no rush to move – we’ve spent too much time apart.

After a moment, I feel his lips moving against my mussed hair as he whispers into it, “I love you.”

“Love you back,” I reply breathlessly and I can feel his smile as he kisses my forehead.

“So are you going to invite your Mom to visit?” he asks as he lies back against his pillow and my head finds its way to his chest.

“Are you going to keep bugging me if I don’t?” I feel my eyelids begin to droop as his hands run through my hair gently.

He chuckles and kisses the top of my head, “Probably.”

++++++

**_Friday, March 15, 2013_ **

“So you’ve invited her then?”  Johanna’s voice blares out of my receiver of my cell and I have to pull away.

“I have and that’s all I have to say for now. Also—speak a little softer, please!” I tell her. “Where are you?”

“The clinic,” she replies hurriedly. “I’m just about to leave—Haymitch is probably going stir-crazy at my place.”

“So how’s Haymitch?” I bite back my smile. Knowing Johanna, she would feel the tease of my grin through the phone.  “Everything good with you two?”

“Things are…progressing.”

“Seriously? That’s all you’re going to tell me? After all I’ve done for you, you freaking bitch—“

“Hey there now!” Her laughter rings through the phone. “All you did was tell Finnick my flight number—apparently he did the rest.”

“You’re getting lucky now, thanks to me!” I scoff. Adina and Peeta enter the kitchen as I finish my proclamation. Adina giggles and Peeta raises his eyebrows at me. “You are, aren’t you?”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Johanna says quietly. “It’s just—different. Better even. And Haymitch has been great—he’s made a lot of friends in the local village. He’s even teaching some of the kids—it’s really sweet.” Her words are halting but laced with tenderness. I can almost see the blush on her cheeks. “I’m happy that he’s here.”

“I can tell, sweetheart,” I reply as I watch Adina and Peeta sit at our kitchen table, both of them trying to listen in. I quickly turn from them. “He has kissed you though—hasn’t he?”

She groans into the phone. “If you must know, nosy—he has, and that’s all I’m going to say!” Someone in the background calls out her name. “I have to go now—they need me for something before I take off, but I’ll call you when I can. I love you!”

“Love you too! See you both in May—tell Haymitch that we said hi.”

“I will.”

The line clicks and I place my phone on the counter. Turning to Adina and Peeta, I give them a smile.

“Jo-Jo says hi,” I inform them.

“So should I start calling him ’Uncle Haymitch’ now?” Adina asks with a grin.

I go to the fridge and take out a pitcher of lemonade, placing it in front of her on the table.

“I don’t think so,” I tell her. “I don’t think Haymitch would want you to call him Uncle even they did—” I stop for a moment as I get to the cabinet with glasses. “Let’s not talk about that now. Also, when your Auntie Jo-Jo comes to your graduation, please try not to bug her with questions about their relationship.”

“They’re totally not doing it anyway,” she replies nonchalantly.

“Do I want to know how you would know that?” Peeta asks as I place the glasses on the table. He begins pouring from the pitcher and places the glass in front of our daughter.

“She didn’t pack any of her naughty things,” Adina informs him. “She would if she thought she was going to get any.”

“You really have been raised by her,” I say as I sit down. “How would you know that she didn’t pack them?”

Adina takes a sip from her glass before answering. “Because they’re all in my drawers.”

Peeta turns a deep shade of red. “Should we be having a talk?”

“Chill, Dad,” she tells him calmly. “She left them because there was no room in her suitcases.”

“You should’ve told us that prior to almost killing your father,” I tell her as I sit down next to Peeta. “So the big day is coming up—how are we feeling about this?”

I look between Adina and Peeta to gauge their reactions.

My mother is coming on Sunday.

I was surprised by her eagerness to come see me because she’s never reached out. From what Prim has told me, she’s been afraid to call me for years. She knows that she’s messed up and that it seemed almost easier to deal with Prim than with me.

“I don’t know, Mom,” Adina tells me. “How should I feel? The woman wasn’t exactly excited for my impending birth.”

“To be fair, sweetie,” Peeta says to her. “Your mother had just graduated high school. It’s not exactly any parent’s dream to see their child become a parent so young.” Peeta takes her hand. “I know your mother didn’t regret having you and had I known, I would’ve been scared but also happy. So don’t feel like you’re here for nothing.”

Adina looks over at me. “How do you feel, Mom?”

I shrug. “I don’t know,” I admit. “Our talks haven’t been exactly heartfelt when we’re on the phone. I do know that she was married but they’ve separated—and there haven’t been any other children besides your Auntie Prim and me.” I put my head in my hands. “What am I doing?”

“You’re getting some closure,” Peeta says softly. “You never got your goodbye. We all need one—I don’t regret those last weeks with Glimmer and that dream with Cinna was better than the funeral for me. Yes, it will hurt, but there has to be an end, Katniss. You need it more than anyone.”

“Why?”

“It’s the only way for all of us to move on,” Adina suddenly says. “You’re not the pregnant teenager anymore, and Dad—” She looks over at him affectionately. “He’s not that lost boy in New York. And I’m not that little girl asking you where her Daddy is.” She gives me a smile. “I know who I am, and I know who we are as a family. But what about you, Mom?”

Her eyes are so like mine, dark and serious, but the piercing look in them is all her own. She really isn’t a little girl anymore.

“Do you know who you really are? Do you know what’s going to happen to our family when I leave?”

I have no answers for her.

++++++

**_Sunday, March 17, 2013_ **

_San Francisco International Airport_

“Are you ready for this?”

I look over at Prim, whose eyes reflect my own tenseness. The last time my Mom saw Prim, she was banging against the window of her car as she drove away from us. Behind us, my father and Portia stand along with Peeta’s father.  The three have gotten along famously, even going to a winery yesterday for a tour.

Rory, Peeta and Adina stand chatting near a baggage carousel. All three are here for emotional support.

I shake my head at her and take her hand. “Are you?”

“Not really,” she replies. “I feel like I’m a little girl again, but for goodness sakes—I’m getting married next year. I’d like her to be there.” She sighs and tightens her hold on my hand, the glint of her engagement ring catching my eye. “She should be there.”

“I know.” I give her an encouraging smile. “I’ll be there, you know.”

“Of course, it’s always been you and me,” Prim replies.

“No one will ever understand you like I do,” I say. “You told me that once.”

“I know.” Her bright blues shine at me before she looks around again. “Do you think she looks the same?”

“I don’t know.” My eyes scan the crowd. “I mean, we look different. How would she know how we—“

Then I see her.

After all these years, her blue eyes —Prim’s eyes — are still the same. However, they are filled with wariness.  Like Prim, she is tall and skinny—has she always looked like this? Tightening my hold on Prim’s hand, our feet somehow find our way to her slowly.

She gives us a tight, nervous smile.  “Katniss…Prim…” I can see her tighten her hold on the rollaway luggage that is dragging behind her. “You two are all grown up.” Her voice is hoarse because of the tears that seem lodged in her throat.

“Hi, Mom,” Prim greets her carefully and letting go of my hand, she walks over to our mother to embrace her. Pulling away, Prim looks her over. “You look all grown up, too. Your hair is shorter—I like it.”

My mother runs a hand through her blonde bob nervously. “I’ve been keeping it this short for some time.”

Prim looks over at me and I walk over to the two hesitantly. Standing next to each other, they look like eerily alike and to a random passerby, it appears to be an eager reunion between mother and daughter.

However, next to my mother—I look like a stranger. I feel like a stranger.

She swallows slowly and gives me a cautious smile. “Hello, Katniss.” My mother moves forward and wraps her arms around me. “You look so grown-up.” I hear the tears in her voice. “You’ve become a beautiful woman.”

I bite back the urge to say that I’ve grown up without her. Instead, I hug her back and take a deep breath to quell the anger inside me. I don’t know exactly where it’s coming from but it’s there, threatening to rise.

“Thanks, Mom,” I respond. Pulling away, I look over to where Adina and Peeta stand and nod for them to join us. They walk to us, hand in hand and Adina looks at my mother timidly. “Mom, you know Peeta—“

Peeta gives her a big smile as he walks over to shake her hand. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“You too, Peeta.”

For a moment, I’m worried that she’s still resentful over the fact that he was the one who had gotten me pregnant. However, there is nothing but warmth reflected in her eyes. Then she turns to look over at our daughter.

I take Adina’s hand and lead her to my mother. “And this is our Adina.”

“Hello,” my daughter greets her softly. “Your eyes are the same as Mom’s. Not the color, but the shape.”

My mother’s lips widen into a grin. “And you look just like your mother did when she was your age—very graceful and so lovely.” Mom holds her arms out to Adina. “Come here, sweetheart.”

Our daughter is held in her embrace and I can see my mother’s tears spilling forth as she caresses Adina’s hair adoringly. The sting of envy and resentment hit me—never once was my mother like that with me.

Peeta takes my hand, his blue eyes looking into mine worriedly. “Are you okay?”

I take in a deep breath before responding. “I don’t know yet.”

++++++

I follow the sounds of excited, feverish talking down the hallway. My mother is staying in Johanna’s room since it has a larger bed, whereas the rest of the guest rooms have twin beds. When I reach the doorway, I find Adina sitting with my mother, pictures strewn across the bed.

For a moment, I watch the two. Adina is chatting away as she tells my Mom about her eighth birthday. The picture of Adina wearing a large sombrero is held carefully in my mother’s hand. That year, Adina’s birthday party had been Latin-themed and everyone was given a sombrero as a souvenir.

“Mom had a churro cake made for me,” Adina tells her as they look at the photo. “Uncle Thresh got me a piñata and he filled it with candy. It kind of made a lot of the parents mad, though.”

“Why?” my mother asks, bemused.

“Because we ended up sending all the kids home sugared up,” I suddenly say. They turn to me and Adina gives me a grin. “You forgot to tell her about the make-your-own-taco table.”

“Oh, yeah!” She looks over the pile and then finds the appropriate picture to give to my mother. “That was really fun.”

“It was a mess,” I respond with my own smile. “Some of your classmates were not the neatest eaters. Actually, most of them weren’t—except for you.” I look at the watch on my wrist. “You have class tomorrow—better get to sleep.”

Adina groans. “But I’m practically graduated!”

“You can stay up until you’re blue in the face at Juilliard, but for now, you’ll have to sleep at a reasonable time.”

“Okay...” Adina stands up and then turns to my mom. “Good night, Grandma.” They hug and my daughter bounces towards me to plant a kiss on my cheek. “Night, Mom.”

“Don’t forget to say goodnight to your Dad,” I tell her. “He’s in his darkroom, so knock first.” Peeta has set up his own darkroom in what is our laundry room. She nods before disappearing out the door. I look over at my Mom who is gathering Adina’s photos into a stack. “She’s already calling you Grandma.”

Mom grins to herself. “It’s a trip, really. I’m a grandmother.”

“You’ve always been a grandmother,” I tell her. “You just didn’t want to be for the first seventeen years of her life.” Her face falls and I falter at her hurt expression. “Sorry, sometimes I have no filter.”

She puts her hand up. “No, you’re right. You should be mad,” she replies softly. “Katniss, I would really like for us to talk about everything one of these days—“

“I know,” I interrupt suddenly. “I’m just not ready yet. It took a lot of convincing for me to even ask you to come.”

“I realize that.” Her eyes are bright with unshed tears. “I can’t change the past, but I want to make it up to you.” Standing up, Mom walks over and takes my hand, giving it a tentative squeeze. “We will talk though.” Her piercing eyes meet mine. “We need to.”

“I agree.” I look down at our joined hands and slowly pull mine away from her grasp. “Just give me time.”

I can tell that she’s trying to not show how hurt she is. I don’t quite understand myself why I can’t seem to soften and try to let her in, but it just seems right to wait.

After a moment, she nods in agreement. “Of course, Katniss. For you, I’ll wait.”

++++++

**_Wednesday, March 20, 2013_ **

_Outer Sunset District, San Francisco_

“God, Katniss. Tell me there’s a bar close by.” Teddy, Thresh’s husband, places a cardboard box on their dining table. “I’m all for living near the beach but this place is quiet as hell at night.”

“I think there’s a small bar a few blocks over, but I don’t know if you’d be into the whole leather jacket thing,” I inform him as I open a box and begin to pull out the towels from inside. “Face it. You’re in for the domesticated life. Soon you’ll be picking up your kid from school and worrying about whether or not you’ve made enough cupcakes for the annual bake sale.”

Teddy gives me a handsome grin. “It doesn’t sound so bad.”

“He says that now. Then he’ll complain that I never take him out anymore,” Thresh says as he walks through the front door of their new house with another box in his arms.

“Just remember that you’re nothing without me,” Teddy scoffs and snaps his fingers in his husband’s face. Thresh smiles and places a kiss on his husband’s temple before placing the box on the table. I see Teddy’s eyes soften. “And I’m nothing without you.”

“Come on, guys—no time for the cuddly stuff,” I tell them. “We need to get this house up and ready before the visit from your social worker. We have to make this place look family-ready!”

Thresh chuckles and pulls away from Teddy. “Okay…okay…speaking of family—how is it going with your Mom?”

I can feel my smile drop. “Truth is—it’s not. I can’t seem to get close to her.”

“Can’t or won’t,” Thresh replies. “I know you, Katniss. You avoid your feelings. It’s okay to be angry at your mother and I think she’s expecting it. What she’s probably having a hard time with is you freezing her out.”

“Why shouldn’t I freeze her out? Hasn’t she done the same to me for most of my life?”

“Then what was the point of having her come here?” Teddy argues. “You’re not really getting anywhere.”

I look up from my folded pile to glare at the couple. “You two are so annoying.”

“Annoying adorable?” Thresh puts an arm around his partner’s shoulders.

“No. The other kind—annoyingly aggravating.”

“Ouch,” Teddy says. “Speaking of annoying, these earthquakes in California—do they happen often?”

“You pretty much get used to them,” I inform him. “Soon, you won’t even react to a two-pointer.”

“What about our things? How do we make sure that nothing falls over? Especially when we have a kid.” Teddy looks over at the wall opposite us nervously. “I’m getting a little ahead of myself.”

“You wall-bolt your electronics and bookshelves, just in case,” a voice suddenly interjects.

We all turn to see Thresh’s father in the doorway with a small potted plant in his hand. He looks around nervously.

“Hey, Dad,” Thresh greets the man softly. “What are you doing here?”

“Your Mama wanted me to drop this off…and I wanted to check out your new place,” the man replies as he looks around at the simple white walls and newly carpeted floor. “It’s nice.”

“Why don’t you have a seat, sir?” Teddy says eagerly as he pulls out a chair.

“No..no… I’m fine. And please—call me Carl.” He gives Teddy a smile as he holds out the plant. “You might keep it alive better than Thresh could. He was never much of a green thumb.”

Teddy takes the plant from him gratefully. “Thanks… Carl.”

Thresh approaches his father. “How are you?”

His father looks at him nervously, hands in his pockets. “We’re good. Wish you and your sister would come over more often. Your Mama gets lonesome when I’m working and we both really miss—” Carl stops mid-step and meets his son’s eyes. “Can we talk in private?”

Thresh shakes his head immediately. “No. This is my home and these two are my family.” He looks over at Teddy and me. “We don’t keep secrets, so whatever you have to say to me can be shared in front of them.”

Thresh’s father remains silent and for a moment, I fear that he will just turn and walk out the door, breaking Thresh’s heart again in the process.

“I’m sorry, Thresh!” his father suddenly bursts out. “I’m not proud of what I said or did, but I know I missed out.” Tears glimmer in the dark eyes of his father; eyes that are exact duplicate of my friend’s.  “I know that I could never take back the words I said or the things I’ve done, but I want us to try to be a family again.”

“Why now?” Thresh’s eyes are hard and Teddy begins to move towards his husband.

I stop him by grabbing his hand and Teddy’s round eyes meet mine, indecision and worry inside them.

“No. He needs to do this on his own,” I tell him.

Just like I need to confront my mother on my own.

“When your Mama told me you were trying to adopt a baby, I was surprised—and I was happy,” Carl tells him. “Then she told me that you were moving back.” He looks down for a moment and then looks up to meet Thresh’s gaze. “I realized that I don’t want to walk down a street one day and see you with your baby—and for that baby to see me as a stranger. I don’t want you to see me as a stranger anymore.”

“Oh, Dad—” Thresh’s voice is full of tears. “You were never a stranger. You were always my guidepost. In the end, I always want to be like you. I want to be a great father and a good husband.” He approaches his father. “I just never wanted to lose you.”

His father reaches tentatively by touching Thresh’s face, his rough fingers brushing gently against Thresh’s cheek as if he is touching delicate glass.

“You were never like me, Thresh. You’re better.”

It is enough. Thresh breaks down, falling into his father’s arms as his father enfolds him in his embrace.

Behind me, I can hear Teddy sniffing back his tears and here I am—swimming in my own confused emotions.

++++++

“That sounds like quite a reunion,” Peeta says after taking a sip from his beer bottle. He turns to me with a soft smile. “Must have been a real eye opener for you.”

Looking out at the orange sky, I move closer to Peeta on the porch bench. He puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me against the side of his strong chest.

Taking his bottle, I sip from it before replying, putting my head on his shoulder.  “It was really sweet. Teddy could hardly keep it together during their reunion. Oh, and Thresh was so excited to show his Dad around the house! An hour after their big reunion, they were making plans to baby and earthquake-proof the house.”

“So you think everything will turn out okay?”

I lift my head from his shoulder and admire his strong profile highlighted against the fading sunset. The slight baby fat of our youth has long melted away, replaced with sharp cheeks and a strong jaw.

A jaw that I love to press kisses on—so I do.

“I think they will be,” I reply as my lips run along his jawline. “Where is Adina?”

He hisses when I hit the corner of his mouth. “With your mother. They went out for tea and some shopping.”

“How long ago was that?” I ask and he meets my eyes, his own eyes laced with desire. “Do we have time?”

The sliding door to the porch suddenly opens and Adina sticks her head out. “We were looking for you!”

“I guess we’ll have to finish that thought later,” Peeta whispers in my ear and I nod before turning to Adina once more.

She steps out with my mother, who wears a huge smile on her face. She has really taken a liking to Adina and has spent most of her time split between her and Prim. My mother has even had dinner with our father—just the two of them and with Portia’s blessing.

Mom has even taken to Peeta. She works for a Chicago publishing company as a Marketing Associate and often talks to him about how she makes her choices for book covers. Apparently, she has a real eye for it, as four of the books that she marketed and designed have become best sellers.

The only person who stands aloof is me.

Maybe I’m not trying hard enough, but I find myself unable to smile and laugh around her. I’m afraid that letting her into the small happy parts of my life will give her reasons to hurt me. She has hurt me so much already.

As much as she makes Adina laugh or my younger sister smile, I can’t seem to forget the image of her driving away. Or the glaring silence after I asked my father if she knew about Adina’s birth.

“What did you two ladies do today?”Peeta asks with an easy smile.

“We went downtown and had tea. Then we went shopping! Look what we got!”

Adina sticks her wrist out and so does my mother. The two are wearing woven bracelets with their names on them. My daughter glows excitedly and I can feel it again—that tug of jealousy. I can’t believe I’m jealous of their closeness.

It’s so immature but I almost want to pout.

“Sounds awesome,” Peeta replies and then turns to me. “Doesn’t it, honey?”

I muster up a smile for them. “It sounds like a great day.”

“Maybe we can all have a day together and do it up nice and special,” my mother suggests eagerly. “Speaking of special, I invited your Dad and Portia for dinner this weekend along with Prim and Rory. I want to discuss something with all of you—I hope that’s okay.”

“It’s fine,” I manage to tell her.

“Don’t worry about cooking or anything,” my mother continues. “I’ll take care of it and I promise not to wreck the kitchen.” She cooked much more when I was a kid. However, her desire to cook lessened as I became a teenager.

“I can help,” Adina offers. “Let’s go plan the menu right now. Mom, we’re going to use the computer in the den, okay?” I nod and she rushes over to kiss my cheek, then she goes to kiss Peeta’s cheek. “I have to show you both the new dress that Grandma got me for graduation later!”

“We can’t wait,” I tell her before they disappear back into the house. I follow them with my eyes, listening to their girlish giggling as it fades.

“Jealous much?”

I turn to look at Peeta who’s trying not to smile, but I can see the laughter in his teasing blue eyes.

Grumbling, I lay my head back against his chest.

“You know me too well.”

++++++

**_Saturday, March 23, 2013, 7:00PM_ **

“That was really good, Mom,” Prim says as we sit around the dining room table of the house. “I still remember how delicious your roast was.”

“I can’t believe you still remember my Mom’s recipe, Kat,” my father adds. He gives her a fond smile and turns to Portia placing a hand over hers. “I’ve tried to make it for Portia but I can’t seem to get the spice rub quite right.”

“Well, I can always teach Portia,” Mom replies as she stands up. “Now let me get these plates out of the way so I can get the dessert.” She looks over at Prim. “I think you’ll like it.”

My mother has gone out of her way for tonight’s dinner. She has made my father’s favorite roast, the mashed potatoes that I adored as a child and if I’m right, there is peach pie with Prim’s name all over it. My younger sister would beg for that pie as a little girl—she had the sweet tooth.

“Let me help, Grandma,” Adina says and jumps from her chair. My daughter starts gathering the empty dishes from around the table. “Have a seat, I can do this.”

“It really was delicious,” Portia says to my mom.

It’s hard to believe that everyone is being so nice to her.

God, I’m so bitter and it is threatening to bubble over. I grip Peeta’s hand under the table.

He turns to me and mouths, “Are you okay?” I can only nod to assure him but I’m sure he can already tell how tense I am. His thumb caresses the skin of my hand soothingly to calm me.

“So what did you want to talk to us about?” Prim asks as Adina leaves the table, dishes in her hands.

My mother folds her hands and rests them on the table. She looks around nervously, meeting my eyes a second longer than everyone else’s before smiling slightly.

“My company is expanding,” she begins. “We just started another company in New York last year, and they’ve decided to open another headquarters here in San Francisco—and they want me as their Executive.”

“So you would live here?” Prim is bubbling over with excitement. “Permanently?”

“That’s the plan,” my mother replies and looks around. “What do you think?”

“Sounds wonderful,” Portia says with a warm grin. “What a great opportunity, Kathleen. Congratulations!”

“Thank you.”

“I can start looking for places,” my father adds. “I know some realtors—“

“You’ll be here for the wedding!” Prim jumps from her seat to hug our Mom. “I’m so happy—“

“This is bullshit.”

I don’t even realize the words have come out of my mouth.

“Katniss—” My sister looks over at me. “What are you talking about?”

“Come on, she’s not going to stick around.” It is suddenly spewing out of my mouth—the hot bitterness that I have long held inside me. I stand up and look over at Prim, whose blue eyes are starting to fill. “You know it, too. Don’t count on her to stick around. She has hurt us before.”

“Sweetheart,” my father stands up to go to me. “This is real. It is a solid offer and your mother is really coming back—”

“Don’t forget that she walked out on us, Dad.” I look into his hurt eyes before I look at Prim. “Remember who ignored you as she drove away.” Then I look over at my mother. “Don’t forget that you abandoned us—abandoned me. And that granddaughter that you love so much? You didn’t even want her alive!”

“What do you want from me, Katniss?” my mother asks with hurt eyes.

“Nothing,” I tell her. “I don’t want anything from you.” I look around the silent table and stop when I see Peeta looking up at me, his eyes reflecting my own sharp pain. “Excuse me.”

“Katniss!” Peeta shouts as I walk of the dining room.

I ignore him and my hurried feet rush up the stairs to find solace in our bedroom. Ripping the door open, I walk in and slam it behind me. I sit on my bed trying to stop the rush of memories running through me.

_Prim’s young tear-stained face…glass breaking in the kitchen…a loud argument between closed doors…Adina’s first cry…the feeling of blood rushing out of my body...the sad look in my father’s eyes as he holds my daughter…Portia telling me that I can’t have any more children…my heaving sobs knowing that my mother didn’t care that I had almost died…_

“Katniss?” I look up to see my mother closing the door behind her.

“Why?” I ask suddenly, my voice full of tears and resentment. “Why were we never good enough for you?” I grip the comforter tightly and look down as I speak again. “Why was I never good enough for you?”

I can feel the bed shift as she sits across from me.  I remain frozen in my spot, unable to look at the woman in front of me.

“Is that what you really believe?” she asks after a moment. I stay silent. “Look at me, Katniss.” I refuse to bring my head up. “Look at me!”

I finally meet her eyes and she tentatively reaches forward to cup my face.

She still smells like freesia.

“Oh God,” my mother chokes out. “If anything, I was never good enough for you. I was so angry, so bitter, and so resentful over not achieving everything I wanted that I let it eat me alive. By the time you were old enough to understand, I was nothing.”

“So you left me to fend for myself? To raise a little girl when I was only a girl myself?” The long repressed anger comes raging out of me and I pull away from her. “Do you know how scared I was when I found out that I was pregnant? Or how scary it was to even tell you? And you just left us. YOU LEFT ME!” My shouts reverberate throughout the house. “You left me to become the mother that I always wanted you to be!”

I let myself cry. I let myself cry until I can’t even breathe. I know that close by, my daughter and Peeta wait. Peeta has always known that this needed to happen and it was always the reason why were in therapy.

Looking up, I meet her anguished eyes. “I’m just like you,” I hiss venomously. “I let your abandonment eat away at me. Now I’m stuck—Peeta and I can’t move forward .You left when it got too hard. How do I know that I won’t do the same to my family?”

She grabs my hand, gripping it tightly to keep me from getting away, and her eyes bore into mine.

“Listen to me,” she says. “I left because I had nothing to offer you that you didn’t already have inside you—strength, courage, confidence. Look at Adina —she is everything that I wanted to be for you.”

“And I just wanted a mother, faults and all.”

She stops, her grip on my hand softening. “I’m so sorry, Katniss. I’m sorry that I never thought I was enough—that my love wasn’t enough and I left you at the worst moment that a mother could.” Her hands still on my shoulders and continue to hold tight as she speaks to me. “My girl, my baby—you are so much stronger than you will ever know.  I realize that I will never be able to get the time that we wasted back. But you should know, Katniss, that I will love you— even when you tell me to go away.”

I fall towards her and the sobs echo against her chest, staining her shirt as they flow out of me. Her hand finds my hair and she is pressing her lips to the top of my head, over and over as she rocks me, humming as she does.

I remember the song—when I was a little girl, she would hum this tune before she went to work to get me to sleep. I remember this comfort and this safeness in her arms.

“Katniss,” she calls out quietly. “Is there any way that you could ever forgive me?”

For a long time, I stay silent in her arms. My heart is so full of pain, love, and confusion that I can’t seem to separate it all.

After a moment, I manage to pull myself from her arms to meet her eyes.

“I don’t know,” I finally tell her. “I don’t know.”

* * *

 

First off, I wanted to announce that I will be putting some of my other fics on the backburner until Again is completed. At this point, I am seven chapters away from the end and that includes the epilogue. I want to give this story the ending it deserves and I can’t do it while focusing on my other projects.

Other notes:

I was channeling a lot of Amy Tan during this chapter, especially _The Joy Luck Club_ , which is just incredible story about the relationships between mothers and daughters.

Gah—I need a drink.

Anyway, I don’t know if anyone realized it, but Rory and Prim are engaged. They’ve pretty much been together since they reconnected in a past chapter told from Johanna’s POV.

Also, I never really told anyone Mrs. Everdeen’s name, but now you know. You can also see where Katniss’ name is slightly derived from.

There’s a slightly similar line from September—I don’t know if anyone will catch it though.

The Outer Sunset is a district here in San Francisco and is within walking distance to Ocean Beach. It is mostly residential with a few restaurants in the area.

Reviews, feedback, and other comments can be sent through FFN, AO3 and Tumblr. Thank you again for reading.

We are getting to the homestretch.

Next: Katniss 1999-The beginning of the millennium and the last past chapter for Katniss.

Until then, JLaLa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


 

 

 

 


	36. Chapter Thirty-Five: 1999

Our last past Katniss chapter!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to my beta, Chelzie, for her hard work. I throw a lot of stuff at her.

_“If there's one spark of hope_  
 _Left in my grasp_  
 _I'll hold it with both hands_  
 _It's worth the risk of burning_  
 _To have a second chance…”_

_-Mariah Carey “I Still Believe” (Cover Song)-1999_

Again

Part Four, Chapter Thirty-Five: 1999

**_Thursday, December 23, 1999_ **

“Kiss me out of the bearded barley…nightly…beside the green, green grass…”

Sitting on the carpet of the living room, I look up at hearing Prim’s voice. She walks towards me with Adina in her arms. She places my daughter on the floor next to me before sitting across from us.

“You’re in a good mood,” I remark as I close up Thresh’s gift—a Pokemon game for his N64. Johanna had to practically sit on the guy’s lap at the store just to get this game. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

She grabs some of the ribbon that I’m using and twirls some around her index finger playfully. I can’t help but smile. Even at seventeen, I still think of Prim as a young girl, though clearly she is no longer a child. The baby fat on her face has melted off and she is no longer the gangly girl she once was.

“Liar,” I reply as I lift Adina onto my lap and kiss the top of her head. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on with Auntie Prim?”

Adina’s big, grey eyes light up at the sound of my voice. “Pim?” She looks up at me and smiles toothily. “Auntie Pim is singing.”

Her formation of sentences is amazing thanks to Prim’s constant coaching. My sister wants to major in Child Development though she hasn’t decided which college she is going to. I have no doubt that my sister will be brilliant in this subject—she’s practically raised Adina with me and the rest of the family.

They’ve both grown right before my eyes. I almost want to cry from seeing how long Adina’s hair has grown. Her dark hair brushes her pointed chin and Prim has clipped her bangs with a yellow plastic barrette.

“I see that, my love,” I reply and then look up at Prim’s rosy cheeks. “But _why_ is she singing? Does it possibly have something to do with Uncle Rory taking her to the Winter Dance?”

“For your information, he didn’t take me—I took him,” she informs me. “He does go to an all-boys school, you know.”

“That would put a damper on things!” I say with a laugh. “But really—what’s going on?”

“How do you know if you love someone?” The question comes out of her mouth quickly and her face turns bright red as soon as she finishes.

I almost want to tell her that she is too young to be in love.

Then Adina tugs at my braid and I remember that I have no right to tell her that.

I was in love.

I still am, though I shouldn’t be.

I have no right to love someone who I’ve hurt deeply. A person who probably despises me. A person who will despise me once he knows what I’ve done.

I look down at the beautiful little girl who is crinkling pieces of gift wrap and I remember that it’s all for her. Despite his eventual hatred, I will love him because we made her together and my love for her is the only important thing at this point.

I shrug listlessly. “I couldn’t tell you. I could hardly explain it myself,” I find myself saying to her. “When I was with Peeta, my heart just seemed to take over everything I did. It wasn’t at all like the movies—there was no music or soft lighting when I looked at him. There was just…”

Prim leans forward in anticipation. “Just what?”

“Certainty.” I give her a small smile as I smooth Adina’s hair. “No one is going to tell me that I don’t love Peeta because it seemed already rooted in me to love him. Even more so because of Adina.” I kiss the top of my daughter’s hair.

Prim’s eyes shine with unshed tears. “You’re still certain.” It is not a question, more like a sad realization on my sister’s part.

I will forever love a man who hates me.

The click of the front door suddenly draws our attention and Adina jumps from my lap and runs toward the door as Johanna and Cato enter the living room. Johanna quickly scoops Adina up and blows a raspberry on her cheek.

“So eager to see your Auntie Jo-Jo, huh?” my best friend says affectionately. “Or are you just trying to find out what your Christmas present is?”

“Present!” Adina replies as she pats Johanna’s cheeks before kissing her nose.

“What does a guy have to do to get some of that love?” Cato suddenly asks. His eyes meet mine briefly before looking to Adina, who is reaching for him. He takes her into his arms immediately and presses his lips to her forehead. “Your present from me is already under the tree, Deenie.”

Deenie. That’s what he calls her.

I find comfort and discomfort in their relationship. Comfort because she adores him and besides Thresh and my father, there is another male figure in her life that she can depend on. Discomfort because as they get closer, Cato and I get closer. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.

Because as certain as I am about Peeta, I am just as uncertain about Cato. His intentions are no doubt good, but I can’t hurt another man.

As much as I love the way he looks at my daughter.

“Any of those presents for me?” Cato asks as he sits next to me. Johanna and Prim have conveniently left us alone in the living room.

I give him a smile and my eyes drift over to the tree next to the television. “There might be a present from Adina under there.”

“Any other presents for me?” He gives me an unabashed grin and my cheeks warm. I have to admit—there is a slight attraction that doesn’t have to do with Adina.

I like the way he looks at me. To Cato, I’m not just Adina’s mother or the girl who got knocked up in high school. His attraction to me was before Adina and it’s only intensified since she’s come into all of our lives.

“There might be one or two,” I tell him simply. I did get him a present—a leather portfolio that can hold all his transcripts and recommendation letters. He and Johanna have been researching graduate schools with good medical programs.

My eyes fleet over to a familiar photo on the television screen that I had left on while gift wrapping. It is the picture of the firefighter holding Baylee Almon.

And I’m back in that park listening to Peeta telling me about that photo and how it inspired him to become a photographer.

“Katniss?”

I look at the screen again to see a mugshot of Timothy McVeigh. Cato follows my gaze to the television screen.

“That guy is a psycho,” he tells me. “Thank goodness that the Supreme Court is still upholding his convictions. He deserves what he gets.” Cato looks at me worriedly as he cradles Adina in his arms. “That picture must really bother you, especially with having Adina.”

I nod, my throat dry. “Exactly.”

++++++

**_Sunday, December 26, 1999_ **

“Did you like all your presents, Adina?” Johanna asks my daughter as we walk through the sunny park overlooking the painted Victorian houses.

Adina looks up at her with a big smile. On Christmas morning, she was treated to a mountain of presents bigger than she was. She is spoiled collectively by all of us, though my father is the one gives her the latest in toys.

That’s what happens when you have Microsoft stock.

“YES!” Her pronouncement is accompanied with a high jump that makes her jean skirt fly up. Johanna and I can’t help but chuckle at her exuberance.

Thank goodness for stockings.

“Speaking of presents,” Johanna continues, her smile sly. “What did Cato get you?”

A groan escapes my mouth. “Do we really have to talk about this?”

“He was so secretive,” she replies with a pout. “Like he got you the goddamn Mona Lisa or something. Also, I need to have something to hold over him—he’s like 5% smarter than me in our Physiology class.”

“He got me a necklace, okay?” I don’t mention that it’s from Tiffany’s and that it is a beautiful white gold ‘A’—for Adina. I haven’t gotten the nerve to really look at it, much less wear it. “Now let’s move on.”

“Maybe you should,” she suddenly tells me as we stop in front of a playground. Johanna opens the gate to it and my daughter immediately rushes to the small slide.

“Be careful, sweetheart,” I call out as my eyes follow her small figure.

She smiles— _his_ smile. “Yes, Mommy!”

Johanna and I sit on a bench closed to the sand so we can watch Adina play. I turn and find Johanna’s eyes far away.

“What did you mean by that?” The defensiveness in my voice is evident.

“Peeta’s gone, Katniss—and it was your choice to let him go,” she tells me bluntly. “Maybe it’s time to open your heart to someone else.” Johanna crosses her arms and lets out a breath. “You don’t want to be alone when you find out he’s found someone else.”

“Peeta will always be a part of my life.” My eyes burn as I watch Adina play under the jungle gym. Her loud laugh rings solidly into the sharp air and it is clear whose laugh she’s inherited. I’ve heard it a million times in my ear during group parties or while watching a funny movie in a dark theatre.

I’ve heard it against my body as he teased me into submission before making love to me.

“She is his,” I continue quietly. “It doesn’t matter that he isn’t even in the picture. He makes himself known in her laughter and her smile. There’s just no way I can move on from him—even if I wanted for my own sanity.” I turn to see Johanna in tears. They fall quickly down her sharp face and hit her black leather jacket. “Jo-Jo, what’s going on?”

Johanna turns to me, her dark eyes bloodshot. “Gale got married.”

My mouth falls open. “What?”

“In February—he called his mother on Thanksgiving and told her,” she chokes out. “And you’ll never guess who he married.”

“Do I want to?”

“He married Madge Undersee!” She covers her face with her hands and I hear the sobs escape her mouth. “They ran into each other while he was stationed in Texas and fell in love.”

“You can’t be serious.” I put an arm around her. “I’m so sorry, honey.”

Johanna looks up at me and I see how flushed she is, her exposed neckline is bright red. “I know it’s real, too,” she says quietly. “You know how I know?”

“How?”

“He told her that he was leaving after he proposed to her and she still said yes. She left her whole life in Texas just to be his wife. She left her school and her friends to sit in a house and worry that he might be called away. You know what I thought when I heard that?”

“What?”

“I wouldn’t do that for him, Katniss,” she says heavily. “As much as I love him, I couldn’t sacrifice that much of myself. So maybe I didn’t love him as much as I thought.”

I pull her closer to me and Johanna rests her head on my shoulders. For a moment, we watch my daughter as she rides on a plastic zebra and waves to us happily. We wave back though I can see how half-hearted Johanna’s movements are.

“I hate that he has someone who loves him that much,” Johanna whimpers as she wipes her eyes. “And I wish I had someone who would do that for me.”

I kiss the top of her head. “You will, Jo-Jo. I promise—one day you will.”

++++++

**_Thursday, December 30, 1999_ **

“So I’ll come by around five tomorrow to set up my DJ booth,” Thresh tells me as we sit on the porch stairs of my house. He takes a puff from his cigarette. “Jay’s brother is going to bring the food over at about 5:30.”

“How’s it going with Jay?” I ask as I take the cigarette from his fingers and throw it on the concrete.

He glares at me before continuing. “We’re friends,” he informs me as he leans back on the staircase. “It kind of fizzled out after we started concentrating on school more. Also, it’s kind of hard to have a relationship when I can’t even talk to him when I’m at home.”

“Why do you still stay at home if you can’t stand it?”

“For my Mom and for Rue,” Thresh answers simply, though I can see the tightness in his jaw. “So what if my Dad’s not talking to me—and when he does, it’s more like a grunt. I just have to deal until we graduate. Then I’m out of there.”

“You’re strong, my friend.” I say and he puts an arm around me. “I couldn’t do it if I were you.”

“It’s the beginning of the millennium, Katniss,” he replies. “We’ve impeached a president, a new Star Wars movie is out, and people can download music from their computers. Times they are a-changing.”

“Sometimes I wish they wouldn’t.” I look across the street to see some neighborhood kids drawing on the concrete with chalk. “It’s not even safe to go to school anymore.”

“You know they’re thinking of putting a metal detector at Rue’s school. We’ve lost trust in our kids.”

“Maybe it’s worth it,” I say. “Adina shouldn’t have to worry about her safety when she goes to school. The only thing I want her to worry about is learning how to bring out all the potential I know she has in her. She has Peeta’s tenacity, you know.”

Thresh gives me a soft smile. “She has your optimism, too.”

I laugh. “I doubt it.”

The front door opens and Johanna steps out along with Adina.

“Come here, baby girl,” Thresh calls out to my daughter and she walks carefully down the stairs so she can sit on his lap. “You want to be my New Year’s date?”

“I don’t think she’ll make it to midnight for that kiss, Thresh,” I say with a smile.

“You can always kiss me,” Johanna adds as she bats her eyes lashes at him. Thresh indulges her with a kiss to her cheek and she pouts in response. “That was weak!”

“That’s all I have to give,” he quips. “Don’t you have an arrangement with Seneca anyhow?”

Johanna blushes. “We give each other what the other person needs.”

“Orgasms?”

I cover Adina’s ears as I glare at Thresh. “Little ears! She repeats everything.”

“Sorry,” he says as I move my hands off my daughter’s ears. Thresh looks at her inquiringly. “You didn’t hear any of that, did you?”

She stares up at him innocently. “Organs?”

Behind me, I hear Johanna snort. “Good one, Thresh.”

“Bite me, Johanna.”

“Bite me!” Adina repeats joyfully.

I look over at him wearily. “Really, Thresh? We have to start setting a better example for her.”

Johanna lets out a groan. “Oh, man. When did we all become grownups?”

The sun is beginning to set, turning the sky into that bright orange that Peeta used to love; the light hits both the concrete and the houses on the block. I hear Mrs. Lopez from across the street calling her kids inside. Her daughters drop the chalk onto the concrete before running up the porch steps.

Then it is just the four of us—watching the sunset in contemplative silence.

I am about to answer Johanna’s question when Thresh answers for me.

“The first time we heard her cry.” He holds Adina, who has fallen asleep against his chest.

I meet his eyes and he grins at me.

It’s so nice to be understood without having to say anything.

++++++

The knock on our bedroom door brings me out of my reverie. Since I started a semester later than Johanna and Thresh, I take double the classes so I can graduate with them. I’m declaring my major this upcoming semester and have settled on Computer Sciences. It’s been a hobby of mine – fiddling with my Dad’s old worksheets, not to mention that I enjoy programming.

Dad peeks his head in from the small door opening as I close the book that I was reading at my desk.

“You busy?” I shake my head and he enters quickly before shutting the door promptly. Adina is asleep on my bed with a pillow next to her as a barrier.

“Just reviewing some things. What’s up?”

Dad pulls up the chair from the corner of the room and sits across from me at my desk. “I wanted to talk to you before I talked to Prim about this. Your mother called me today.”

I feel my stomach clench but I steady myself quickly. “Oh yeah? It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” Her last call was nearly a year ago.

“She wanted to check in—wanted to hear about you girls.”

“That totally makes up for her abandonment.” I stop myself from rolling my eyes.

“She’s trying, but we all know that she’s not perfect. Your mother wanted to call tomorrow to wish you a Happy New Year. I just want to know if you want to talk to her.”

I don’t hesitate to answer. “No. No, I don’t.”

Dad looks at me in disappointment. “Katniss, I know you’re still angry—“

“It’s not about that. I don’t know if I care to know her or her reasons for leaving anymore. I’m happy with the way things are right now. I’ve grown up, Dad. Without her.” I look over at Adina. “She lost her place in my heart once Adina came along.” I sigh before turning back to him. “I can’t imagine a world without Adina and to think—Mom wanted me to get rid of her.”

“She was angry. We all were, but I don’t want you to grow up bitter when you think about her,” Dad tells me. “I can see it happening already.”

“Please, Dad!” I feel my frustration rising. Deep down, I know he’s right. This issue with her will come up again and most likely at the most inopportune time. “I-I-just can’t.” Quickly, I wipe my eyes.

Finally, Dad nods and stands. “I love you, Katniss. I hate seeing you upset.” He kisses the top of my head.

I look up at him and cup his cheek. “I love you, too.” I hate to see him in distress; God knows that I’ve put him through enough already. “If it helps, I think Prim would love to hear from her.”

He nods again before opening the door and shutting it quietly as he leaves.

Alone, I feel the heaviness in my chest. It was during times like this when talking to Peeta helped the most—even just being in his arms gave me never ending comfort.

I ask myself again—did I make the right choice?

Adina stirs in her sleep and I walk over to her quickly. She settles once my hand comes into contact with her hair. I run my fingers through that dark silky blanket.

“My sweet girl,” I whisper softly. “So much like her Daddy.”

I hear from Thresh that he is doing well. He is busy with school and taking pictures for his neighbor for cash. I’m not exactly sure what he’s taking pictures of, but I’m sure he is doing brilliantly.

He stopped asking about me, too. It’s probably because of her. Valentine’s Day girl.

Then I find myself reaching into that bottom drawer of my desk to pull out the box. The box I tell myself not to open—the box I always open when I feel so down that I don’t know if I’ll ever feel better again.

Even now, I still have my bad days.

I pull out the first cassette tape and then reach under my desk to pull out my old radio to put it in. Pressing play, I wait for the familiar slow chords, the sound of the piano, and my lips begin to move along with the song as it plays.

_“I heard from a friend today_  
 _And she said you were in town_  
 _Suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind...”_

I cry quietly into my hands until I can’t breathe.

It’s okay to cry—as long as I don’t wake up Adina.

++++++

**_Friday, December 31, 1999 11:55PM_ **

_“Hi! My name is...what? My name is...who?  
My name is...Slim Shady…”_

I stifle a yawn as I walk through the crowd of people. Behind me, I hear Vick rapping along with the Eminem song that is blaring through the speakers propped in the corners of our living room.

Waving at Thresh at his DJ booth by our television, I turn to find a red cup in my face.

“Drink up, Mama,” Johanna tells me as she shoves the cup in my hand. “You’re going to need it.”

“We’re going to need it,” I reply and knock my cup against the other one she holds in her hands. “It’s going to be a crazy year.”

“Tell me about it,” Johanna says and puts an arm around me. “I’ve decided on UCSF for my next school.” She takes a sip from her cup and turns to me. “And it has nothing to do with wanting to stay close to you and my goddaughter.”

Her smile tells me otherwise.

I kiss her cheek. “Thanks, Jo-Jo.”

“No,” she begins as her eyes meet mine. “Thank you for letting me into your family—and for bringing her into the world.”

“It was a pleasure,” I reply and pull her in for a hug. She hugs me back tightly and I can hear her shaky breath against my chest.

“We’re getting to that final minute, y’all!” Thresh’s voice rings out through the house.

Pulling away, we walk into the living room where everyone has gathered. I see Prim and Rory close to the front door. Rue is standing next to them with her date. Vick is chatting with a blonde who works with Thresh at his new job downtown.

The crowd begins the countdown around us, “TEN, NINE, EIGHT…”

“I’m a little scared, Katniss,” Johanna tells me suddenly. “I feel like this is the end of something.”

“No, sweetheart,” I assure her and take her hand. “This is only a beginning.”

“FIVE, FOUR, THREE…”

She looks over at me. “Promise?”

I squeeze her hand in assurance. “I promise.”

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

The house erupts in cheers, and a blanket of confetti rains down on us. I pull Johanna into my arms and she responds by holding me tightly. Suddenly, we are gathered into someone else’s arms—Thresh has joined in on our hug.

I meet his eyes and smile. It’s always been us—the three musketeers.

“Happy New Year,” he says before kissing Johanna and then me. I feel something vibrate against me. “Oh—excuse me, ladies.” Thresh pulls away to reach into his pocket for his cell phone.

“Hey, Katniss.” I turn to see Cato smiling down at me. “Happy New Year.”

Maybe it’s the champagne in the cup that Johanna’s given me, but my cheeks warm as I smile back. “Happy New Year, Cato.”

Then his lips are on mine, soft and tasting of beer. My eyes widen before I close them for that brief moment--it feels so strange to have someone actually kissing me.

Before I can ever respond, Cato is pulling away, his hands on my shoulders and his mouth locked in a teasing grin.

“I know that you’re going to say you’re not ready,” he tells me as he looks into my eyes. “But the more you keep pushing me away, the more I’m coming at you. You’re going to have a hell of a time getting rid of me, Katniss Everdeen.”

I can’t help but laugh at his determination as I nod. “I hope you’re up for the challenge.”

Before he can reply, I’m already pushing through the crowd towards the blocked stairway.

Turning, I see Prim and Rory slow dancing in the middle of the throng of people. My little sister meets my eyes and smiles.  

She is glowing—she is in love. I take a deep breath and give her a thumbs up.

Johanna is talking to Seneca against the front door and I can see her laughing at something that he has said in response.  Her hand is lightly running up and down his shoulder—it’s likely that she won’t be coming home tonight.

Then my eyes find Thresh, who is still on the phone. He’s been talking to whomever for a while now.

His eyes find mine and he mouths the name that makes my heart pound out of its chest: _Peeta._

I shake my head at his questioning eyes and suck in the tears that threaten to spill forth. I’m not ready to hear his voice—not just yet.

Walking over the barrier, my feet find their way up the stairs. I can hear the sounds of the television coming from my father’s room. Portia has joined us for tonight, though I know she will be gone before any of us are awake. My sister is not quite ready to think of someone else in our father’s bed, even more now that she’s talked to Mom today. It was only a half hour, but it was enough for Prim.

Quietly, I turn the knob to my room and go inside. Adina is asleep on my bed, her face towards the window.

Leaning down, I kiss her forehead. “Happy New Year, baby.”  She smiles in her sleep and for a moment, I see Peeta.

This time, however, the thought of him doesn’t fill me with pain.  In time, I know I will see him again. Adina will meet him and I am certain that he will fall in love with her.

Am I scared? Hell yes.

Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

I look up at the moon shining through our window and smile in the anticipation of what’s to come.

“Happy New Year, Peeta.”

I know somewhere out there, he can hear me.

* * *

 

Welcome to the Millennium folks. Hope you enjoyed the 90’s ride.

We are close to the end—so close I can taste it. Our next two chapters will be focused on Finnick and Annie. One past and one present chapter, which will feature the birth of Baby Maggie Odair. The next chapters after that will be from Peeta’s POV.

Our final chapter will be from Katniss’ POV—and most likely, so will the epilogue.

Notes:

The Pokemon Nintendo game was the top Christmas present of 1999.

March 8, 1999—Timothy McVeigh’s murder convictions are upheld in the Supreme Court. At the time, McVeigh had a few appeals pending, including his death sentence. He was also moved to the United States Penitentiary in Indiana in 1999, where he was eventually executed in 2001.

I imagine that the news program that Katniss is watching is some sort of year in review show which while talking about McVeigh would also feature the photo that inspired Peeta to become a photographer.

In April 1999, Bill Gates’ fortune exceeds 100 billion due to the increase in Microsoft stock. So Mr. Everdeen earned a pretty penny having a share of it.

You can see the obvious divide between Gale and his family at this point, seeing as he has just told his family about his marriage a month earlier, though he was married in February.

Johanna wishes for someone who would be willing to leave their life just to be with her. As seen in her previous chapters, she got her wish.

There are a few incidents that Thresh refers to during his conversation with Katniss—President Bill Clinton’s impeachment hearings on March 8, 1999, the premiere of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace on May 19, 1999. He doesn’t talk about it directly, but he also references music downloading. On December 7, 1999, the Recording Industry of America files a lawsuit against Napster—a file sharing program which people most specifically shared music files.

Katniss also briefly refers to schools no longer being safe because of the Columbine High School massacre which took place on April 20, 1999 that took 15 lives including the perpetrators.

As you can see, there is another trio of musketeers—talk about parallels.

Music:

“Kiss Me”-Sixpence None the Richer

“Again”-Janet Jackson

“My Name is”-Eminem

Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Reviews, comments, and hellos are always welcomed on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Next: Finnick ‘99

Until then, JLaLa


	37. Chapter Thirty-Six: 1999

I think it’s time for a little Odesta, don’t you think?

The characters of The Hunger Game Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for continual guidance and encouragement as we trudge through this fic.

_We'll crucify the insincere tonight_   
_We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight_   
_We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight_   
_The indescribable moments of your life tonight_   
_The impossible is possible tonight_   
_Believe in me as I believe in you…_

_-Smashing Pumpkins “Tonight, Tonight” (1996)_

Again

Part Five, Chapter Thirty-Six: 1999

**_Saturday, June 26, 1999_ **

**Los Angeles, CA**

_“'Cause I want to live…like animals_   
_Careless and free…like animals_   
_I want to live_   
_I want to run through the jungle_   
_The wind in my hair and the sand at my feet…”_

My roommate, Gloss, rushes into the kitchen as I flip the pancake I’m cooking back into the pan.

“Finnick, will you turn that fucking thing off?” He rushes to the radio by the stove and turns it off. “I hate that song!” His golden, wavy hair is mussed from sleep and his blue eyes look at me frostily as he goes to our round dining table. “It’s ten in the morning on a Saturday for fuck sakes!”

“For someone who’s recently graduated, you’re in a mood,” I tell him as I take a plate from our cupboard and scoop my pancake onto it.

Gloss has been my roommate for the last year, ever since I decided to move out of the dorms at UCLA. He was a junior going on senior at the time and needed a place to stay for a year or so. It worked out in my favor since I didn’t want anyone long-term just in case they turned out to be a psycho.

Well…Gloss is kind of a psycho, but in the best possible way.

I pour him a cup of coffee and walk to the table next to the kitchen, setting it in front of him. He is practically snoring, his forehead against the linoleum top.

“Oh look, you made me breakfast!” I turn to see Cashmere, Gloss’ twin sister, walking towards us with my plate in her hand.

“That’s mine!” I yell as she sits down next to her brother.

“Calm yourself, dude,” she says as she takes the syrup bottle from the table. Cashmere looks up at me as she tosses back her wavy, blonde hair. “There’s like five more pancakes in the kitchen.”

Cashmere moved in six months after her brother.

She got kicked out of her apartment building in the Valley due to ‘excessive noise’, aka loud sex, with her roommate’s sister. However, Cashmere is a lot more reliable than her brother and pays her rent promptly, using checks from DJ gigs that she does around the city.

Due to Gloss’ inability to hold a job and just being lazy, he struggles to pay for his half of our two bedroom apartment on Melrose.

I don’t worry about it though, as Gloss and Cashmere’s parents are rich enough to take care of their wayward twins. Their father is an executive for Universal and their mother is a well-known soap opera actress. The two have inherited her golden locks and deep blue eyes while their lithe, athletic bodies are from their father, who competed in triathlons in his younger days.

Damned if I know where they get their penchant for troublemaking from.

Their father has been sneaking me cash since Cashmere moved in—just in case. So far, there's only been one incident where I had to bail one of them out of jail—Gloss, for refusing to listen to security at a nearby club.

“So, are you coming out with us tonight?” Cashmere asks, her mouth stuffed with my pancake.

“I don’t know.” I sit down and take Gloss’ coffee cup as he remains asleep on the table. Putting sugar and milk into the cup, I take a quick sip. “Not really my thing.”

“Oh, come on!” Cashmere insists as she jumps up from her seat to sit on my lap. “It’s going to awesome. The party is in some abandoned warehouse and it’s going to be huge…I’m one of twenty DJ’s performing.”

I take another sip from the cup. “So this is a rave?”

She bats her eyelashes innocently. “More or less.”

“I’m not into that kind of party,” I tell her politely as her lips sink into a pout. Cashmere is like my little sister, despite her being a year older than me. “I’ll have no one to hang with since you’ll be in your booth and I’ll probably lose your brother once he finds someone shaggable.”

“Why don’t you invite that girl you know?” The question comes from my barely awake friend. “You know—the girl whose picture is on your bulletin board.” His grin widens at seeing my warm face. “I can tell by your blush that you’re interested.”

I sigh. “You know, I haven’t talked to Annie in a while,” I tell them.

“Why not?” Cashmere inquires. “I’ve seen her picture; she’s hot.”

“I wasn’t a very good boyfriend,” I say softly as her pretty face flashes in my mind. “We decided to come down here together, but after a while it just got too hard.” I don’t blame Annie for wanting to focus on other things once we got down to Los Angeles. “It became too difficult for her to trust me despite both of us going to counseling together. I hurt her too much in the past.”

It was a year after we moved here that Annie decided that we shouldn’t be together. She was finally getting help for her eating disorder and needed to find herself. Annie was always dependent on me or our crew to help her though the hard times—she needed to help herself and that meant us going our separate ways.

Also, in the end, Annie couldn’t trust me to not cheat despite my promises.

So here I was—almost to the point of graduation—with no girlfriend and no real prospects. I’m majoring in Broadcasting Studies, which in Los Angeles is as common as breathing. How am I going to find a job when a hundred other people are clamoring for the same position?

“I don’t believe that,” Cashmere replies softly as she fidgets with a tendril of my bronze locks. “You’re too sweet to be such a shitty boyfriend.”

I stand up, making Cashmere jump from my lap and turn to her. “I guess you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

“We know you, dude.” Gloss looks at me with seriousness in his eyes. “We know enough to know that you aren’t over her.” He forks a piece of the cooked pancake from his sister’s plate and gulps it down quickly. “We know you enough to know that you’ve changed. I’ve seen that group picture from high school on your desk—that little cocky stance that you used to have? It’s gone.”

I smile despite the seriousness of the conversation. “Thanks, bro.”

“I don’t care what you say,” Cashmere declares. “You’re coming with us tonight!”

Chuckling at her determination, I nod in agreement. “Alright, alright…”

Rushing over, Cashmere gives me a hug. “Thanks!” Pulling back, she gives me a smile that tells me she is up to no good.

I raise my eyebrows. “What?”

“That girl in the picture—the one with the braid?” she grins wickedly. “Is she into chicks?”

++++++

_“Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while_   
_Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies_   
_Hoping for the best but expecting the worst_   
_Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?”_

I look around the crowded warehouse and walk further in when I spot Cashmere at her DJ booth. I wave at her and she points at me, a big grin on her face.

“I’m going to grab some drinks!” Gloss yells into my ear and I nod in response. He disappears into the crowd, the ocean of people swallowing him.

Walking slowly through the crowd, my eyes spot the levitated platforms with dancers on them. I find myself drawn to one dancer in particular; her back is to me but her slow, deliberate movements pull me towards the direction of the stage             .

_“Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune_   
_The music's played by the, the mad men…”_

I’ve seen this dance a million times at her home in Napa.

_“Forever young, I want to be forever young…”_

Her eyes are closed when she turns to the crowd, still entranced by the music. Her wavy hair sways with her and her hands travel down her tight, silver crop top to rest on the pockets of her baggy pants.

A glint of light on her midriff catches my eyes and a laugh escapes my mouth.

My dear, sweet Annie has a belly button piecing—and a sexy one at that.

Somehow, through the thousands of dancers and the blaring music, her eyes meet mine and that beautiful mouth of hers splits into a grin.

Suddenly, it doesn’t matter that she is on that elevated platform because Annie is jumping down and finds her way into my arms.

“I’ve been wondering when you’d find me,” she whispers and the sound of her voice sends shivers down my spine.

How did I ever let her go?

++++++

“So what are you doing with your life?” Annie asks. My jacket is practically swimming on her but there is something about the way that she walks that makes her look anything but small.

“For the last year, I’ve been finishing up classes. I’m a broadcasting major and in-between I’m working at a small café as a waiter to keep up with the rent. My trust fund money is given to me by Haymitch in small increments,” I tell her as we finish another lap around the roof of the warehouse.

She stops and turns to me. “Why not just get all your money up front? I know Haymitch wouldn’t stop you.”

“It’s just the way I asked him to do it,” I tell her. “I don’t want to sit on my ass and do nothing, so I work in-between school.” We continue walking. “Also, it kind of feels like I have a parent who’s giving me allowance.”

“Oh, Finnick!” She laughs softly and takes my hand. It seems so natural to have her hand joined with mine. “How are you doing, by the way?” Annie looks over at me, her green eyes glowing under the moonlight. “I meant to call on the anniversary of Mags’ death, but I didn’t know if you would want to hear from me.”

“I wanted to hear from you.” It comes out in a single soft breath as I look into her eyes. The air dances with her hair and I tuck a stray tendril behind her ear. Her eyes close at my touch.  “I missed you, Annie.”

“How much?” Opening her eyes, she gets on her tiptoes and brushes her lips against mine. Just the slightest touch from her causes an overwhelming, aching heat to run through me.

“Do you want to come over my place?”

Pulling away, she smiles up at me softly. “To do what?”

I smile back and pull her into my arms. “To sleep, of course.”

++++++

**_Sunday, June 27, 1999_ **

I open my eyes to find Annie’s bright green ones staring down at me.

“Good morning,” I croak out.

“Morning,” she responds quietly and lays her head against my bare chest. Somewhere on the floor are our clothes. “Did you sleep well?”

“With you, I always sleep well.”

Her mouth breaks into a grin. “I can’t believe we just slept.”

“I told you that’s what we were going to do,” I say as I run my hand up her bare back. She giggles when I reach the middle of her spine; she’s always been ticklish there.

“I know.” Her mouth brushes against mine. “However, when we were in school—we would always say that we weren’t going to mess around.” Her lips move down to my neck. “That always ended with me on my back and in your bed.”

“I’m different now,” I tell her quietly as I meet her eyes. “I haven’t been that guy for a long time now.”

She stares at me for a long moment. “I can tell.” Shifting, Annie straddles me. “I’m different now, too.” I groan as her core brushes against my morning erection. “And I’ve learned a few things.”

Her small hand finds my cock and before I can I respond, she is sinking down onto me. My eyes roll back as her warm, wet heat encompasses my length. My hands find their way to her hips as her body undulates above me in pleasure.

Every nerve in my body is on fire and it’s not just because I am inside her—it’s more than that. It’s her. It’s being with her that sets me on fire. I’m captivated by her smile and her eyes. It’s only been a day, but I’ve fallen for the thought of just waking up next to her.

“Oh, God.” The moan escapes my mouth as she rolls her hips against me. Leaning down, her mouth is on mine. The kisses, laced with familiarity, are electrified by my discovery of her awakened sensuality.

She has definitely learned some new tricks since we’ve been apart.

Pulling away, her mouth finds my ear. “The name is Annie.” She hisses as I rock my hips against hers. “But God is a good alternative name.”

I laugh through my pleasurable haze. “You’re crazy.”

“But you love me for it,” she replies breathlessly. Her eyes begin to glaze in pleasure. “Finnick…” She looks at me, begging for release. I sit up and grabbing a hold her waist, I turn us so that she is lying on her back.

I push into her again and Annie cries out into the air as we begin to move frantically, desperate for that climax. I could really give a fuck if Gloss or Cashmere hear us. Making her come is all I care about.

Being with her is all I want.

Her cries bring me out of my pleasure soaked reverie and I feel her insides pulsing around me as she comes.

I can’t hold back any longer. “Annie!” I push up, feeling myself release inside her.

Annie pushes her hair back from her face, gasping for breath. “That was incredible.”

_BEEP!_

I jump away from her at the shrill noise.

“Shit!” Annie scrambles off the bed and reaches into the purse that lies haphazardly on the floor. Reaching in, she grabs her cell phone and silences the beeps. Looking up, she gives me a smile. “I should get going.”

“You don’t want to grab any breakfast or anything?”

I know how pathetic I sound.

She shakes her head. “I've gotta get to my apartment and get ready for work.” Standing up, she gathers her clothes, putting on her lace black bra and panties as she straightens up. “Do you have something I could wear?” She looks around as she throws her heels into her purse. “It’s so hot already and I don’t think I can squeeze into this top.” Annie holds up the silver top from last night. “I barely fit into it yesterday.”

“Sure.” Standing up, I open the dresser next to the bed. Grabbing a shirt and some boxers, I hand them to her before pulling on a pair of boxers myself. “I have to admit, I liked seeing you in that top.”

Annie grins at me as she pulls on my boxers. “I always thought you wore briefs.”

I laugh and walk over to her to help her put my t-shirt on. “A lot of things have changed since high school.” She pokes her head through the t-shirt hole and meets my eyes. For a moment, we are silent—our eyes communicating the obvious heat between us.

“Have they?” For a moment, Annie looks torn, taking a step back from me. She takes a deep breath as we stand silent before she suddenly gives me a smile.  “Want to walk me to my car?”

I nod and she quickly opens my bedroom door. I follow behind and when we reach the front of the apartment, I’m surprised to find Gloss and Cashmere sitting at the dining table. They usually sleep in after big parties.

“Hello,” Annie greets them quickly. “I’m Annie.”

Cashmere gives her a smile as she holds her coffee cup below her lips. “Oh yes—we know.”

Gloss flashes an identical smile. “Actually, we heard. Thin walls, you know.”

“Well, it was nice meeting you.” She looks over at me. “Finnick?” Annie nods towards the door.

“Oh yes!” I rush to the door and open it quickly so that she can make her exit.

“I hope I see you again,” Annie tells my roommates before walking to the doorway where I stand. She gives me a quick kiss, her eyes glowing as she looks up at me. “See you around, okay?”

“I don’t even have your number,” I tell her.

Her hand reaches to caress my cheek. “I guess we’ll just have to leave to fate then.”

++++++

**_Wednesday, June 30, 1999_ **

“So what exactly are we looking for?” I ask Cashmere as she looks around the store.

“Something that both creeps out and thrills my brother,” she tells me as she picks up a flogging whip and smacks me on the forearm.

“OW--fuck!” I glare at her as I rub my reddening skin. “So you think you’re going to find the perfect birthday present for Gloss in a dirty sex shop in the Valley?”

“It isn’t that dirty here! For your information, this is actually one of the classier shops around here,” Cashmere informs me as she looks at a video cover featuring a very big-breasted woman in a nurse’s outfit. “Do you think this would get my brother off?”

“I don’t think I would really know what gets him off,” I say as I flip through a pop-up Kama Sutra book. “Wouldn’t you know that?”

“So because I’m a lesbian, I would know what he likes?”

“You assume I would know since I have a dick,” I point out. “I just thought that maybe you guys would share porn.”

“Gross.” She puts down another video. “On the other hand, I used to sneak into his room at home and look through his Hustler mags. They’re what started my obsession with finding the perfect snatch.”

“Enough said.” I look down into a display case featuring a series of phallic shapes in different colors and sizes.

“Fancy seeing you here.” I look up quickly to see Annie standing behind the counter, her hair up in a sleek ponytail and wearing a tight leather corset and matching pants. She gives me a bright smile. “I guess you found me again.”

“What are you doing here?” Behind me, I hear Cashmere wolf-whistle at Annie. Who could blame her? She looks amazing in that outfit. Though she is thin, she looks healthy, and my mind wanders to how she looked in high school—sickly with dark bags under her eyes.

I didn’t help that situation very much.

“I work here,” Annie informs me. “The job that I had to get ready for last weekend? This is it. So did you see anything you liked in the display case?” That wicked glint in her eyes causes my heart to suddenly race, and I can feel the heat creeping up my body.

No girl has ever done this to me except for Annie—before, after, and during our relationship.

“I think I’ll pass.”

“Annie!” Cashmere joins us with a handful of videos, a bottle of lube and a variety of condoms. “You work here?”

“Yup.” She gives my roommate an easy smile. Looking between us, I can see her trying to understand the situation. “Is this all for you two?”

“Oh no—these are my brother’s birthday presents!” Cashmere responds as she leans down to look at the display before looking up at me. “Any of these look like yours?”

“Number Five.” The words slip out of Annie’s mouth and she turns bright red as she continues to ring my friend up. Cashmere looks at the display again, specifically at the mentioned ‘Number Five’ dildo.

She looks up at me and smiles. “Impressive,” Cashmere winks at me before turning to Annie. “If that’s your thing.” She leans on the counter towards Annie. “I, for one, have been more fond of the feminine persuasion.”

Annie raises her brows curiously. “Really?”

“Totally,” my friend responds. “You should come to our party on Friday. It will be at our place—lots of booze, loud music, and this nice piece of man.” Cashmere runs her hand up and down my arm. “What do you say?”

Annie grins at me before nodding at my friend. “Of course.”

“Great!” Cashmere hands her a credit card. “We’ll see you around seven then?”

“Of course,” Annie responds as she hands Cashmere her shopping bag. “I’ll be there.”

“Thanks, gorgeous.” My friend winks at her. “Love the outfit.” Cashmere looks over at me. “I’m going to put this in the car and then go get a Slurpee next door. Want anything?” I shake my head. “Sign that receipt for me, okay? I’ll see you in a few. See you on Friday, Annie!”

With that, Cashmere walks out the front door with her bag of adult products.

I turn back to Annie. “How did you end up working in a sex shop?”

“One of the other dancers at the rave works here so she hooked me up. It pays the rent.”

“What about your parents?”

“They pay for school but I don’t feel right having them pay for my less than savory activities,” she tells me. Annie leans forward and beckons with her index finger. Leaning forward for her, she kisses my lips softly. “I’m glad you found me.”

“Before you disappear again—can I take you out tonight?” She nods, happiness in her eyes, and I feel the smile grow on my mouth. I try my luck once more. “Are you going to give me your phone number this time?”

Annie looks around before turning to me again. “It depends.”

“On what?”

“For every kiss you give me, you get one number.” Annie crosses her arms and my eyes can’t help but glance at her lush cleavage. “But make it good because I have the right to hold back a number if the kiss is bad.”

I beckon her forward with my index finger. She rests her elbows against the glass counter, leaning towards me. 

I do the same and our faces are only inches apart. Looking at Annie up close, I take in her slightly tanned freckled face, her pink lips, and those beautiful almond-shaped green eyes that love to tease me.

“My lovely Annie.” I kiss the corner of her mouth and grin hearing her hiss of pleasure. “You, as well I know that if anything, I am a _great_ kisser.”

++++++

“So until I decide what med school I want to get into—I’m just sticking with the jobs I have,” Annie says.

I picked her up at her apartment later that evening for our date, which just happened to be only twenty minutes away from mine. She just moved there six months ago. Fate seems to have put us in each other paths once again.

I turn to admire her pretty face in the Southern California sunset. We are at the beach taking a quick walk before heading to dinner at a nearby seafood restaurant. Annie and I always loved walking along the beach in San Francisco, even when it was foggy.

The sea seemed to call to us.

“I heard that Johanna was looking at some med schools, too,” I tell her. “Have you talked to anyone back home?”

She shakes her head. “I’ve been busy, and with everything I put our friends through, it's kind of hard to contact them.”

“I’ve been thinking about going back. I talk to Thresh once and a while; he’s still living at home and doesn’t seem very happy,” I tell her. “Maybe I’ll get an apartment with him or something.”

Annie takes my hand. “Aren’t you happy here?”

“I’m happy right now—with you,” I tell her and squeeze her hand. “At the same time, I don’t know if I’ll even get work here.”

She stops in place, the skirt of her floral dress swaying in the warm breeze. “Stay, if you can.”

I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her against my body. Her breath hitches when I place my palm against her cheek.

I look into her eyes and force out the question I don’t want to ask. “Annie, what’s going on with us?” I know how pathetic it sounds, and in high school, I wouldn’t have bothered to ask.

However, something has changed in me; something has changed between us. I know it.

The problem is that I don’t know if she sees it or even wants to see it.

“What do you mean?” She looks over at me. “Isn’t this what you want? There’s no muss or fuss. I’m not mooning over you or crying in my room whenever I hear that you’re with someone else. I’m okay.”

I shake my head. “I’m not that guy anymore and that’s not what I want.”

She steps back defensively. “I’m not that girl anymore and I’m not sure you’re what I want.” Annie bites her lip. “I’m not ready to get hurt again and especially not by you.”

“Annie—“

“Let’s just take it easy for now.”

I sigh. I would rather have her in my life halfway than not at all. “Alright, you win.”

“I think we’re going to be late for dinner if we don’t get going.” Annie holds out her hand. “Ready?”

I take her hand, trying to ignore the ache in my chest.

Without even trying, Annie has already managed to break my heart.

++++++

Opening the door quietly, I slip into the living room not wanting to wake my roommates. However, when I turn around, I find Cashmere and Gloss sitting on the couch watching television, a picture of JFK Jr. and his wife flashing briefly on the screen.

They turn to me and Gloss gives me a smile. “How did the date go, bro?”

“It didn’t, really.” I sigh and walk over to them.  The two of them make room and I plop myself down in-between the siblings. “No matter what, I’m still going to be that boy to her. The one who was so full of himself and didn’t even notice that she was dying inside and out.”

I remember that time in my life all too well.  The pain of losing Mags is still as sharp as ever; remembering Annie in that hospital bed still makes my chest ache.

Since then, I vowed not to lose anyone else important in my life again. I let Annie go because I saw that she needed to grow without me; I needed to do the same.

“Chin up, Finnick,” Cashmere says softly. “There are worse things in life—I think you still have a chance. You just have to let it happen in its own way.”

I try to stop my eyes from watering. “I don’t know how this happened so fast. She just crept up on me.”

Gloss squeezes my shoulder. “It happens. There's still a chance to convince her, my friend. She’s coming to my party, right?”

“I guess.” I stand up. “I’m going to bed.” I kiss Cashmere on the cheek and then pat Gloss’ shoulder. “Goodnight, you two. Don’t stay up too late.”

Getting up, I round the couch to go to my room.

“Finnick?” I turn to see Gloss giving me a kind smile. “As hard as it is, getting your heart broken gets better in time.” Cashmere meets his eyes sadly and squeezes his hand. “I know all about that.”

“Thanks.”

 I’ve never really asked Gloss about his past, but I hope one day he’ll tell me his story.

++++++

**_Friday, July 2, 1999 10:00PM_ **

_“Cause she's so high..._   
_High above me, she's so lovely_   
_She's so high..._   
_Like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite…”_

I walk past the speakers and my eyes meet Cashmere’s. She's dancing with a pink-haired girl in booty shorts. I raise my glass to her and she blows me a kiss.

I’ll admit—I’m disappointed that Annie hasn’t shown up. I really scared her off on our date. Our dinner had been awkward and I tried not to say anything when she picked at her food. I need to trust her when it comes to her eating habits.

I was relieved when she asked for the dessert menu, though.

“Finnick!” I turn to see Gloss walking towards me with his arm around Annie. Tonight, she is in a white tube dress that leaves very little to the imagination. “Look who I found!”

Annie looks at me uncomfortably. “Hey, Finnick.”

“Hey, Annie.”

We look at one another in uncomfortable silence.

Gloss looks in-between us and claps my shoulder. “I’m going to grab something to drink and leave you two alone. Find me later so you can take a birthday shot with me!”

Annie gives him a smile. “Thanks, Gloss.” He nods before disappearing into the crowd. She turns to me, her smile suddenly gone. “Is there somewhere private we can talk?”

I nod and put an arm around her. Together we reach the door to my room and opening it, she walks in quickly. I follow, closing the door behind me, and lock it so that none of the drunken people walking up and down the halls can come in.

Turning, I see Annie sitting on the bed toying with the faded bedspread. She looks up after a moment, her green eyes watching my every movement.

“Finnick…” she starts as I sit next to her. Turning away for a moment, Annie turns to me again with tears in her eyes.

I continue before she can. “It’s over, isn’t it?”

Who was I kidding? It was over long before I could get anything started.

Annie nods as she wipes her eyes. “I try so hard to reconcile the past us with the present us. I don’t know how it would work. There is a part of me that wants us to be together—to be happy and in love,” she says through her tears. “But there’s another part that can’t forget the past. I don’t want to forget the past, because all those mistakes I made make me who I am now.” She looks into my eyes. “But I can’t forget who you were in the past, too. Especially with all these old feelings coming back.”

“Annie,” I call out to her quietly. “These aren’t old feelings for me—these are feelings that have never gone away. I have always loved you, Annie.” She bursts into tears, her head falling into her hands. “I just want you to be happy and okay.” I struggle to get the last few words from my mouth. “Even if it isn’t with me.”

“Why do you have to say things like that?” she asks through her sobs.

“Because I promised myself I would never lie to you again.”

++++++

**_Saturday, July 3, 1999_ **

Opening my swollen eyes, I see Cashmere sitting next to me in bed with a cup of coffee in her hands.

“What time is it?” I manage to ask though the prickling ache of a hangover.

“It’s about one in the afternoon,” she informs me cheerfully. “It seems like you had a good time last night.”

“Go away!” I swat her unsuccessfully with my hand. “Don’t you see that I want to wallow in my own misery?”

“What happened?” Her hand runs through my hair and I am soothed by her cool touch. “I saw Annie leave early last night.”

“She dumped me,” I reply simply. “She dumped me before we even had a chance to start anything.”

“You slept with her,” Cashmere points out. “That had to mean something.”

I look over at her. “I don’t just want to sleep with her.” She nods understandingly. “I want her—just her.”

“I’m sorry, kid,” my friend says. “So what happens now?”

“Nothing.” I sit up and take the cup of coffee she’s offered. Lying back against my headboard, I take a sip. “I just want her to be happy.”

Cashmere squeezes my hand. “Good man.”

A knock on the door interrupts our conversation. I look up to see Gloss leaning against the doorway, his eyes somber. “You okay, dude?”

I nod as he walks in and sits at the end of the bed. “It's my own fault, you know. I treated her so badly when we together, man. I just thought she would always be there.” My eyes begin to sting. “Then when my mom died, we clung to each other. Annie loved Mags like she was her own mother, you know? So we tried to work it out—we moved down here and it all just fell apart. Annie realized that she needed to be alone and I gave her the out. I just thought that this time would be different.”

“Sorry to hear that, Finnick,” Gloss says sympathetically. His eyes drift to the bedspread before he looks at me. There is a strange light in his eyes as he begins to speak. “I don’t how to tell you this, but I was kind of wasted last night and asked her if she wanted to go to my friend’s beach party for the Fourth—and she said yes.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Cashmere suddenly bursts out.

I can't comprehend what he’s just said, as the air has just left my lungs.

After the initial shock wears off, my first instinct is to punch him.

However, Cashmere beats me to it, letting her fist find its way to his eye.

“WHAT THE FUCK, CAS?” He drops to the ground, covering his face.

“I’m not done with you!” She hops off the bed and goes over to her brother’s crouching form. Delivering a swift kick to his stomach, Cashmere doesn’t bat an eyelash as he groans, instead grabbing him by the hair. “How could you do that?” She looks over at me. “Do you want a piece?”

I shake my head, trying to calm myself. “Just get him the fuck out of here before I kill him,” I say, seething.

Dragging him practically by the hair, Cashmere pulls her brother out of the room. I jump out of bed, and slam the door shut behind me.

Turning, I rest my back against the door and feel my knees begin to give way. I let myself fall, crumbling to the ground and hugging my knees to my chest.

“Finnick, open the door!” It’s Gloss. “I’m sorry.”

I close my eyes, willing myself not to cry.

I should’ve never woken up.

++++++

**_Sunday, July 4, 1999 9:15PM_ **

“Finnick?” Cashmere calls out from behind my closed door. “I’m taking off now to go meet my girls down the street. You sure you don’t want to come?”

I close the book that I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to read and turn my head to the door.

“No!” I call out to her.

“I made you a sandwich,” she informs me. “Try to eat, won’t you?”

Sighing, I go to the door and open it slightly to see Cashmere standing in the hallway. She is wearing a gold dress and black leather jacket with her hair up in a messy bun.

I must look like a mess in my cargo pants and ratty Mission High School logo shirt.

Cashmere does an onceover and gives me a big smile. “You look festive,” she jokes.

“You look like Alicia Silverstone,” I reply and she does a little twirl for my benefit. “Looking to impress someone?”

“Maybe,” she replies coyly. “We’re all going to be hanging outside setting off illegal fireworks. Come out in ten minutes and check them out. But for fuck's sake, eat something, brush your teeth, and run a comb through your hair first!”

“Yes, Mother,” I agree and muster a smile for her. Looking down the hallway, I turn to her again. “Is that fucker gone?”

She nods seriously. “Definitely. I gave him a good knee in the groin before he left. I’m really sorry, Finnick.”

I take in a breath before responding. “It is what it is.”

“I’ll see you later, okay?” I nod and she walks down the hallway.

I listen for the closing front door before I emerge. I feel like I’m in a coma—nothing seems real at all for me, except for the sharp pain of betrayal. Making my way to the living room, I turn to the dining table and see the sandwich that Cashmere made for me.

But I’m not hungry.

Instead, I grab a beer from the fridge and turn on the television to fill the silent air. MTV is running some sort of countdown and as I take a sip of my beer, TLC’s _No Scrubs_ comes on—the song reminds me of Katniss, since they’re one of her favorite groups.

My mind suddenly flashes to that last big picnic we had for Johanna’s birthday—the one where we first met Peeta and he took that group picture. I get a postcard from him every once in a while, though lately our communication has been lacking. It’s been too hard since his break-up with Katniss, I guess.

We all used to be so close—what happened?

I look at the clock above the television. Seeing that it’s almost time for Cashmere’s big, very illegal fireworks show, I open the front door and step out into the center of the apartment building where the shared swimming pool is located.

Walking forward, I sit on the edge of the pool, letting my feet sink into the cool water as I close my weary eyes.

“Is this seat taken?”

I look up to see Annie standing before me, her eyes nervous, and her hands clutching her purse tightly. I shake my head and she sits down next to me, adjusting the skirt of her burgundy flowered dress.

“I remember that dress,” I suddenly tell her.

She gives me a smile. “You do?”

“You were wearing it the first time I kissed you. It didn’t fit as nicely as it does now, though.”

Annie dangles her feet before submerging them in the pool next to mine. Our eyes meet and she looks down quickly at our floating feet.

“What are you doing here, Annie?”

“Gloss dropped me off.”

I snort. “Feeling guilty, I'll bet.”

She shakes her head. “Cashmere really gave it to him, didn’t she? She really didn’t have to go that far.”

“Defending your boyfriend?”

“As it turns out, your roommates had a little plan of their own,” Annie says, ignoring my snipe at Gloss, a small smile playing on her lips. “Gloss isn’t interested in me, Finnick. He only arranged the date because he wanted to talk to me.”

“About what?”

“He wanted to tell me a story,” she replies softly. “Did he ever tell you about his high school girlfriend, Addy?” I shake my head. “They were the ‘it’ couple of their school. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?” She chuckles to herself before sobering. “And he loved her, Finnick. He loved her like hell.”

“What happened?”

“Prom night. Drunk driver hit them straight on.” She turns to me. “He really fell apart after that. Cashmere too—because Addy was her best friend.” Annie smiles sadly. “Gloss showed me her picture. She was pretty, with red hair and hazel eyes. They called her ‘Foxface’ as a joke because she had a sharp little nose that she hated. Also, because she was so sneaky—she would sneak from Cashmere’s room to Gloss’ all the time without being caught.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“He said that his one regret was never telling her how he felt,” she replies. “He was scared—the idea of love scared him, and then it was too late. Gloss doesn’t want that for us.” When she looks at me again, tears are trailing down that perfect little face of hers. “I don’t want that for us, either.”

I feel my heart pounding in my ears. “What are you saying, Annie?”

“Don’t let me go, Finnick. Even when I push you away, just keep holding on—because I’m in love with you, I’ve always been in love with you, and it scares the hell out of me.” She sucks in her tears as she looks into my eyes earnestly. “Do we have the slimmest, wildest chance of making this work?”

Someone’s radio is suddenly blaring out into the night.

_“And I'd give up forever to touch you_   
_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_   
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_   
_And I don't wanna go home right now…”_

Standing up, I offer my hand to her and she takes it. Straightening herself, her face is only inches away from mine; I pull her close, wrapping an arm around her waist as I enclose her hand in mine. I lead us in a slow, swaying dance listening to the music coming from the invisible speakers.

_“And I don't want the world to see me_   
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_   
_When everything's made to be broken_   
_I just want you to know who I am…”_

“Yes.” I look into her eyes—those eyes that I could stare into forever. “We can make it work.”

She looks up at me. “How?”

“You’re the one, Annie. And I don’t care if you make me wait years—one day you’re going to be my wife.”

Annie stops our dance and she wraps her arms around my waist. Her eyes meet mine joyfully and she nods once—her lips breaking into a grin. “Okay.”

Leaning down to kiss her, I don’t even notice the fireworks above us.

All I know at that moment are the lyrics of _Iris_ , the wetness of our feet, and certainty of us.

* * *

 

I love the whole rom-com aspect of this chapter. Seriously, it could be a mini-movie.

And I would love for Alicia Silverstone to be Cashmere.

If you haven’t guessed—that whole fight between Gloss and Cashmere was a fake one. Cashmere, however, has a tendency to up the situation by overacting.

I thought it would be awesome for Annie to have unusual jobs, one as a dancer (not an exotic dancer, mind you), and the other as salesgirl at an adult shop. You see a really big difference between her high school and college self. It’s also interesting to see how different she becomes as an adult.

There are some HG references in this chapter—the big one being the reference to “Foxface”. In my universe, her name is Addy, short for Adelaide; I wanted something similar sounding to Annie.

Also, there is a quote from HG—let me know if you spot it.

Notes:

JFK Jr. and his wife, Carolyn Bessette, are briefly shown on television while Cashmere and Gloss are in the living room in one scene. On July 16, 1999, the couple (along with Carolyn’s sister, Lauren) will die in a plane crash on their way to Martha’s Vineyard.

Songs-

“The Animal Song”-Savage Garden (1999)

“Forever Young (Dance Mix)”-DJ Company (1997)

“Iris”-Goo Goo Dolls (1998)

Hello, reviews, and feedback are always welcome on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Next: Annie 2013—Welcome Baby Maggie Odair!

Until then, JLaLa


	38. Chapter Thirty-Seven: 2013

Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement as we get to then end. Now it’s baby time!

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for going on these crazy writing journeys with me. I love her.

_“How you changed my world you'll never know_   
_I'm different now, you helped me grow_   
_You came into my life sent from above_   
_When I lost all hope, you showed me love…”_

_-Monica “Angel of Mine” (1999)_

Again

Part Five, Chapter Thirty-Seven: 2013

**_Saturday, April 13, 2013_ **

_Napa, California_

“Holy shit, Annie—there is a foot poking out of your stomach,” Cashmere says as she takes a sip of wine. “I don’t think I’m drunk enough to see that freaky alien baby stuff.”

“Please don’t call my baby an alien,” I tell her as I sit down next to her and adjust the cream sweater I wear. “I do agree though, it’s pretty creepy when Maggie does that.”

We look out at the vineyards and she meets my eyes, knocking her wine glass against my water bottle.

“Cheers, boo,” she says to me before sitting back.

Cashmere has come down from Oregon to attend Maggie’s baby shower next Saturday. She’s a writer for an online travel magazine and had just finished a piece on Portland when she decided to show up on our doorstep two days ago.

At four in the morning.

Of course, Finnick and I have welcomed her with open arms. We’ve missed both her and Gloss since we left Los Angeles. When we left, Cashmere was in Sri Lanka while Gloss was off in Spain for business with his latest international delight—a lovely model named Danika.

“So you were Annie’s roommate in college?” Katniss asks as she joins us from where she was standing on the balcony of our back porch.

Cashmere admires my friend’s graceful form as she comes towards us, a scarlet blush on her tanned cheeks. I remember Finnick telling me that Cashmere had always held a torch for Katniss ever since she saw her in our group picture.

Unfortunately for Cashmere, Katniss has always held a torch for the male form—Peeta’s in particular.

I caught them in our laundry room—next to the pile of newly washed designer baby clothes given to us by my mother. 

“No, I was Finnick’s roommate, along with my brother, Gloss,” she tells Katniss. “Though Annie spent enough time there after she and Finnick got back together. You ever heard those two together?” Cashmere looks over at me. “I’m surprised Finnick didn’t knock you up sooner.”

Katniss chuckles and meets my eyes. “Thankfully, I haven’t, but I’m not one to talk since I was the teen mom.”

“You’re not one to talk because you and Peeta can’t keep your hands off each other,” I add, trying not to laugh as she scowls at me. “Right next to Maggie’s onesies—shame on you! I swear if I see any spunk on her clothes—“

“Annie! Language—your daughter can hear you,” Cashmere informs me and I raise an eyebrow at her. “I’ve been reading your pregnancy magazines in my guest bathroom. They’re awesome birth control, by the way.”

“I think if I would’ve seen those pictures before I got pregnant, I might have been more vigilant about my birth control.” Maggie delivers a swift kick and I caress my belly gently as she moves inside me. “I was just kidding, little girl! Give Mommy a break!”

“Are you ever afraid that your daughter will have Finnick’s giant, pompous head and that you’re going to have to push that out of your vagina?” Cashmere asks as she swishes her wine glass.

“I resent that!” Finnick bellows as he emerges from inside the house, carrying a large plate of skewers. Peeta and Adina follow with bowls of salads in their hands.  He places the plate down in the center before kissing the top of my head and sitting beside me. “My head is perfectly sized and Maggie’s will be too! Plus, Annie is more than capable of pushing out any size head from down there!”

I chuckle as I take his hand. “Thanks, babe.” I turn to Cashmere. “At our last appointment, the doctor took measurements. I’ve been assured that the baby has a normal sized head.”

“That’s not going to matter during the labor,” Katniss informs me as she begins handing out plates.

“Did you have drugs during labor?”

“No, we were making good progress once my water broke, but at the halfway point, she just seemed to stop,” she recalls. “We waited for a while, but Adina just seemed to be stuck in there, so we just had to cut her out.”

“Sorry, Mom,” Adina tells her with a smile. “I got tired working my way through your birth canal.”

“Totally worth it, kid.” Katniss takes her hand and gives it a squeeze.

I hope Maggie and I have a relationship like theirs. My mom and I never spent any time together unless it was at a party or some sort of benefit fundraiser that she headed up. She’s gotten better now, especially since I let her have free reign on our wedding.

The baby shower is all her idea too. Finnick and I would’ve preferred picking out Maggie’s things on our own, but she insisted.

At least we got to play with the scanner guns at Babies ‘R Us.

“Are you two thinking about other children?” Cashmere asks Katniss. “I mean, you’re still very young. The age difference between Adina and another baby wouldn’t be too bad.”

“Well...uh…I can’t have any other children,” Katniss tells her, her eyes suddenly somber. “There were some complications during Adina’s birth—excuse me.” She stands up and quickly walks into the house.

“I’m so fucking stupid sometimes!” Cashmere looks over at Peeta. “I’m really sorry.”

Peeta gives her a smile. “It’s okay,” he assures her. “With us getting back together and seeing Annie in all her pregnant glory, I think the fact that we can’t have another child is really hitting her. She feels bad for keeping Adina to herself, even though I’ve told her thousands of times that I understand. Also, she’s still not talking to her mother.”

“How’s that going?” Finnick asks, concerned.

“Mom’s been freezing Grandma out since that big fight,” Adina tells us. “She’s having a hard time adjusting to the fact that Grandma is living in San Francisco now.  I just helped hook up the wireless connection at her new house last week.”

Peeta stands up and gives Adina a nod before meeting everyone else’s gaze. “I’m going to go check on Katniss.”

“Stay out of our laundry room,” Finnick warns as our friend walks away.

Peeta flips him the bird.

“Is it okay that people do that in front of you?” Cashmere asks Adina.

“I’ve been the only kid around a bunch of adults my whole life,” Adina informs her. “That’s just the small stuff. It’s not bad until you’re around my Auntie Jo-Jo and she has a lot of Cuervo in her.”

++++++

I knock on the door of the guest room where Katniss and Peeta are staying. “Can I come in?”

Hearing footsteps, I wait and hear the knob turn after a moment. Peeta widens the door and I walk into the room. Katniss is lying on the bed on her side, face flushed and eyes red.

“Are you alright?” I sit next to her and take her hand. “I’m sure it isn’t easy seeing me like this.”

“No, it’s not you!” She looks at me, her grey eyes brimming with tears. “I hate that I can’t give Peeta another child. He won’t have the opportunity to hold a baby or deal with late night feedings or any of that stuff.”

Peeta kneels in front of her. “You know that doesn’t matter to me.”

“It matters to me!” she replies. “I just fear that sooner or later, Adina and I won’t be enough for you.”  She looks away shamefully before meeting Peeta’s eyes once more. “That I’m not enough of a woman for you.”

“Where did you get that stupid idea?” I find myself asking her. “Katniss, you’re more than enough woman. You always have been, even when we were in high school.”

I brush her bangs back from her sweaty forehead.

“Being a woman in this world is about more than just the ability to carry a child. It’s about carrying yourself with confidence and having pride in the person you are. You’ve always known who you were, and that’s more than a lot of people can say. Look at me--I’m about to pop this baby out and I’m pretty sure that I might mess her up right out of the womb.”

It’s always been this underlying fear of mine – that I lack the motherhood gene. I’m an only child so I don’t remember having a lot of little children around me. My childhood consisted of being shuffled from one lesson to another by a nanny who would rarely talk to me.

I’ve held one child in my entire life and I found myself tired of the wailing baby after only five minutes. I lack patience and I like my life a certain way.

Oh God, Maggie is going to change _everything_.

“Annie, are you okay?” Katniss looks up at me worriedly.  “You got kind of pale.”

I laugh it off. “I just had a quick panic attack for a moment. I just realized for a quick second that my life is going to change rapidly in a few weeks’ time.”

“You’re going to be fine, Annie,” Peeta assures me. “You’re loving and warm. Your baby is lucky to have you as a mother.” Katniss nods in agreement and gives my hand a squeeze.

I find myself wiping tears from my eyes. I can get very emotional these days. “How would you know?”

“You took care of me, didn’t you?” Katniss tells me with a small smile. “And I think you did a pretty good job.”

++++++

Lying back against the soft headboard of our bed, I caress my swollen belly; this afternoon’s conversation with Peeta and Katniss keeps playing in my mind.

“Finnick?” My husband comes out of our bathroom, a smile on his handsome face.

I love calling him my husband.

“Yes, darling?”

I look up at him from where I sit and my breath hitches. Even now, there’s something about Finnick’s smile that makes my heartbeat quicken. Maggie feels the change in my body and she begins to move inside me; my hand caresses the bump to calm her down.

“Do you think I’m going to be a good mother?”

Finnick sits down next to me. “You’re going to be the world’s greatest mother,” he says to me with confidence in his tone. “Are you nervous?”

I nod quickly and can feel the tears beginning to fill my eyes. “I don’t want to mess her up.”

He puts an arm around me and pulls me against him. “Just the fact that you’re scared of messing her up tells me that you’re going to be wonderful. You, Annie Odair, care about everyone. So much that our daughter is not even out yet and you’re already afraid of turning her into a psycho.”

“I just don’t want her to end up like me,” I say quietly. “The me I used to be, anyway.”

“We both have scars of the past, but I think she’s going to be the one to heal them,” he tells me. “Maggie is going to be okay because we are going to be okay.”

“How can you be so calm?” I ask him. “There is going to be a human being popping out of me soon – that doesn’t freak you out? Not even a little?”

“I do feel a little squidgy about seeing the labor, but it’s like the videos we see in Lamaze, right?”

“It’s going to be very different from the front row, babe,” I tell him. “I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be screaming louder than any of those bitches that we watched.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” I elbow him and he pulls me closer to place a kiss on my nose. “Scream to your heart’s content if it will help.”

I reach over and wrap my hand at the nape of his neck. Pulling him to me, I kiss him soundly and then pull away to look into his sea-green eyes.

“I hope Maggie has your eyes,” I tell him.

“I hope everything else is from you.”

“Except for my boobs. I would hate for her to be part of the tiny titty committee.” I look down at my abundant chest. “I’m going to miss these when she’s done breastfeeding.”

“I clearly remember enjoying your tits prior to you getting pregnant,” he tells me as his mouth finds its way to my neck. “I remember the first time I saw you again in LA and that silver crop top you were wearing. It had that zipper down the middle of it...” His fingers expertly unbutton my pajama top as he places kisses across my collarbone. “And you definitely couldn’t wear a bra.”

“I’m going to miss wearing stuff like that.”

“You’re even more beautiful now,” Finnick says as his eyes meet mine. He reaches over to tuck my hair behind my ear. “I worship everything about you; every curve and mark, because they’re what make you who you are. Annie, sometimes I look at you and I just can’t believe that you’re my wife.”

“Finnick,” I breathe his name out. “I was yours since the day I met you.”

“I can’t believe I ever let you go,” he replies as he continues unbuttoning my top, exposing my breasts and belly. “Thank you for marrying me.” Finnick continues to place kisses along my chest and I feel myself tighten in desire when his mouth finds a peaked nipple. “Thank you for giving me her.” His hand rests on my swell.

I draw him up so I can look into his eyes. “Thank you for never letting me go.”

++++++

**_Wednesday, April 17, 2013_ **

“How’s my goddaughter doing?” I smile hearing the affectionate tone in Haymitch’s voice.

We hadn’t heard from him since he took off to Honduras with Johanna, so it’s a great surprise to get a phone call from him on this overcast day.

“She’s doing just fine—a little bummed that her godfather and godmother won’t be at the baby shower, but otherwise great.” I lean against the kitchen island where the speakerphone sits. “How’s Johanna?”

“You know her—being a doctor and kicking butt,” he replies. I can hear the pride in his voice and I try hard not to coo into the machine.

Seriously though, it’s ridiculous that I didn’t see it sooner.

Granted, Johanna was too busy with the whole Gale debacle for Finnick and me to notice how Haymitch looked at her. Whenever she came over, I would find them sitting in our den talking about books they’ve read or the places they’ve been. If I had bothered to look closer, I would’ve noticed the way his eyes lingered on her whenever she wasn’t looking.

I also wouldn’t have taken as long to notice how Johanna was looking at him, especially at her farewell party.

It wasn’t until the day she was leaving that we realized how distraught Haymitch was.

So I gave him the best advice I could as Finnick contacted Katniss for her flight information: Don’t let her go.

“How’s it going between you two? Have you taken her to some beautiful beach to kiss her as the sun goes down?”

“More like right next to a waterfall near Lago Yojoa.”

“Mr. Romantic right there!” Finnick walks into the kitchen and puts an arm around me.  He kisses the top of my head before talking into the speaker. “You’re making me look bad, Haymitch.”

Haymitch guffaws. “That doesn’t take much.”

“Did you really kiss her by a waterfall? That is so fucking adorable, I think I might puke,” I say into the phone.

“My God, Annie! You should probably curb that mouth before Maggie comes out.” Haymitch chuckles. “I don’t think your Mama would appreciate Maggie’s first word being a curse one.”

“She’ll get over it,” Finnick says lightly. “Where is our lovely Johanna?”

“Finishing up her final rounds before we get back to our bungalow,” Haymitch tells us. “The kids here love her, so I don’t doubt that your daughter is in good hands with my Johanna.”

“Your Johanna, huh?” I tease. “She was ours first.”

“True,” he agrees. “But she’ll be mine last.”

Finnick raises his brows at Haymitch’s words before talking into the speaker again. “Don’t tell us that you’re getting married or something.”

There’s a long pause. Both of us look at one another, our eyes wide.

I call out into the speaker, “Haymitch, are you still there?”

Haymitch coughs loudly, startling us. “Sorry, got a little distracted.”

My husband gives me a grin before speaking. “Is Johanna giving you head or something?”

“Fuck you, Finnick! Can’t a girl give her man a kiss?” Johanna suddenly barks into the phone.

“Johanna!” I push Finnick out of the way. “We miss you!”

“Miss you too, babe,” she says to me. “How are you? Maggie moving a lot? Boobs getting bigger?”

I smile. “Yes and yes. How about you? Healing your patients? Getting laid a lot?”

“Yes, and none of your damn business.”

“I had to try my luck at asking.” Katniss told me that Johanna has been especially secretive about their relationship. “But you’re okay?”

“We’re very happy, Annie,” Johanna assures me. “That’s all that matters in the end.”

“Good to hear.” Johanna has had so much turmoil in her life. Finally, she has the one man who’s going to catch her when she falls. She’s needed someone like that for a long time.

“We have to go,” Haymitch tells us. “We’ll see you in a month. Take care of each other and our goddaughter.”

“Always,” Finnick replies.

“Love you both!” I shout into the speaker.

“Love you too! Can’t wait to meet Maggie!” Johanna says to us. There is a click and I turn the speaker off.  

I turn to Finnick. “Those two are something, aren’t they?”

“How serious do you think they are?” Finnick walks to the dining table and grabs an apple from the bowl in the middle. I sit across from him and he hands me the apple after taking a bite.

I grin at him jokingly. “Like should you start thinking of Johanna as your surrogate mother?”

“Not funny,” he tells me. “You know that she and Katniss are like my sisters. It would be like she was my sister-mom!”

I can’t help but crack up. Finnick looks so serious. 

“I think they are serious,” I tell him bluntly. “I also think that they are very private about their relationship, so private that they won’t admit that they are in love—to us and each other. For now, let’s keep their secret.”

I hold my pinkie out and he hooks his with mine.

Cashmere walks into the kitchen. “What are you two talking about?”

“Our friend, Johanna,” Finnick says.

Cashmere reaches into the fridge and pulls out a beer bottle. Sitting down at the table, she hikes one of her legs on the bench in front of her and twists the cap off to take a sip.

“Isn’t she the one boning your teacher?”

A laugh escapes my mouth and Finnick puts his forehead on the table in exasperation.

++++++

**_Friday, April 19, 2013_ **

_Sonoma, California_

“Will you take a look at these party favors?” my mother says as we sit in the living room. “Isn’t this adorable?”

She hands me a Mason jar filled with light pink jelly beans; a sticker saying “Maggie Odair” is placed in front of the jar along with tomorrow’s date.

I shake the jar, listening to the tickling of candy against the glass and Maggie reacts by pushing against my stomach. I laugh quietly to myself; she’s already curious. I wonder if Finnick was that way as a child. It would make sense since Mags herself was a teacher. It would be likely that she bear a child with inane curiosity.

Also, Finnick and I tended to experiment—a lot—in high school.

Thinking of Mags makes me ache inside; I miss her and our conversations a lot. My mom has been great but it’s not quite the same closeness. I miss Mags because she understood Finnick like no other and helped me understand him. She knew that he wasn’t perfect, but she always understood why he was the way he was as a teenager. It helped a lot, especially when we were fighting.

“Mom, were you scared before you had me?” I suddenly ask her.

She looks over at me from where she stands in front of the numerous party favors.

“No one has asked me that question before,” she says. Walking over, my mother sits next to me and I realize how similar we look—the thick dark hair, the oval faces, and the slightly upturned noses. Maggie has our nose; I saw it in the last sonogram. “I was scared, actually, though I’m sure for different reasons than you are.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your grandfather and grandmother had a lot of expectations about the kind of young lady that you were supposed to become,” she recalls, a faraway look in her eyes. “It scared me that they were going to turn you into me, someone who didn’t stray from the rules.” She looks over at me. “Thank goodness you were strong enough to realize that kind of life wasn’t for you.”

“Mom,” I begin. “I’m sorry if I was such a terror sometimes. I just remember that the only thing I wanted was to make you and Dad happy. I wanted to be perfect for you and for myself. Because if I had been, maybe you would’ve paid more attention.”

“Annie, I know we weren’t the perfect parents and I will always regret that we let your health issues get that bad,” Mom says. “Never doubt that we love you and we are so proud of the woman you’ve become. You practically raised yourself and I know that Maggie is going to have a great mother.”

I wipe my eyes and pull my arms around her. “Thanks, Mom, I really needed to hear that.”

“You’re going to be just fine, Annie,” she tells me in a choked voice. “Because you are the strongest woman I know.”

++++++

**_Saturday, April 20, 2013 2:30PM_ **

_Napa, California_

“Annie, you really know how to throw a baby shower,” Katniss remarks as she sits down next to me.

The baby shower has been going on since noon. A large white tent has been erected in front of the swimming pool. White covered tables and chairs are placed around the border of the tent, while a large pink cake has been placed in the middle. The table of presents, where my mom is hanging out, is located in the far right corner.

I shift uncomfortably in the cushioned seat; the heat of the afternoon sun has caused me to feel a little heavier than usual.

Five more weeks. She’s almost here, and then I won’t have to deal with this back pain any more.

“Thanks.” I give her a smile though I’m sure it’s coming out as a grimace. “I’m exhausted.”

“You are looking a little tired,” she replies as she looks over at me. “I’ll go grab some water for you.”

I nod tiredly. “Thanks, Katniss.”

Looking over to entrance of the tent, I spot Finnick coming over and push myself up. A sharp pain hits me and I let out a shriek. Finnick is suddenly by my side, his arm around my waist.

“What’s wrong?” His eyes are full of panic. I take a deep breath to calm myself. I hate seeing him like this. “We should go to the hospital, shouldn’t we?”

“I think I’m okay.” Then the pain grips me again. “Never mind.”

Katniss and Peeta rush over as Finnick makes me sit back down.

“What’s going on?” Peeta asks.

I look over at Katniss. “How did you know that you were going into labor?”

“My water broke,” she replies. “Did your water break?”

I shake my head. “Nope. Anything else you remember?”

“Back pain—lots of it.”

I hiss. “I think I’m having something similar.”

“Holy shit, what is happening?” Cashmere appears along with Thresh, who she was having drinks with by the bar.

“Annie’s in LABOR!” Finnick tells her in a panic. “Oh my God, I’m going to be a father!”

“And you’re just realizing that _NOW_?” Thresh asks him.

“Shut up, Thresh!” Finnick kneels before me. “Are you okay?”

I feel the anxiety in me begin to rise and I look at my friends’ concerned faces before meeting his eyes again.

“I don’t know,” I admit tearfully. “We haven’t even opened the presents yet!”

Finnick chuckles and kisses my forehead. “Why don’t we get you to a hospital and we can worry about the presents later?” he instructs gently. I nod and he works with Peeta to help me from my seat.

“Where’s my Mom?” I ask suddenly.

“I’m here, darling!” My mom is running over and relief rushes through me. “What’s going on?”

“I think I’m having a baby.”

“Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine,” she assures me. “Finnick, help me bring her to the front door. Peeta, go get the car and bring it out to the front. Thresh, call St. Luke’s and tell them that we’re on our way. The number should be on the fridge. Katniss, grab Annie’s bag for the hospital. Cashmere, can you and Adina let the guests know what’s going on?”

Everyone agrees on their duties before splitting up and I give my mom a grateful smile. “Thanks, Mom.”

“Just breathe, baby,” she tells me as she looks over at Finnick. “You too, son.”

“Where’s Dad?” I ask her.

“He had an unofficial meeting that took a little longer than expected, but he’ll join us soon enough.”

“How are you feeling, love?” Finnick asks. “Any more contractions?”

I shake my head before another one rips through my body in a painful wave. “Spoke too soon.”

Together, my mother and Finnick help me through the house.

I don’t know what to feel. This is all happening so fast.

“Finnick?” My husband turns to me. “We might have a baby today.”

He grins happily. “I know.”

When we reach the front door, my mom goes ahead to open it for us.

Finnick and I hurriedly rush out the door.

“SURPRISE!”

We look up to see Gloss standing before us in a sharp business suit, a grin on his lips with his arms open wide. Behind him, a few feet away, are a beaming Johanna and Haymitch along with my Dad, who is taking their luggage of his car.

The shock of seeing them all is too much and I feel something rush out of me.

My water has broken.

Right on Gloss’ leather loafers.

++++++

**_Four hours later_ **

“And I don't want the world to see me…'cause I don't think that they'd understand…” I wake up hearing Finnick’s soft singing and my eyes adjust to the light of the hospital room. “When everything's made to be broken…I just want you to know who I am…”

I turn my head slowly and see Finnick walking back and forth as he sings, a small pink bundle in his arms.

The small pink bundle is our daughter, Maggie Odair.

She came out quickly after we reached the hospital with our caravan in tow. My mother was in the delivery room with us and I don’t know who cried louder when she was finally out.

It’s a toss-up between me, her and Finnick.

Maggie is a month early but perfectly healthy, weighing in at 6lbs, 8oz. Her cry was hearty, much to my relief.

“Hey,” I call out and Finnick turns to me, a glow on face. “How is she?”

“About to fall asleep,” he says quietly as he walks to my bed. Leaning down, Finnick kisses me softly. “Are you okay?”

“Sore, but what do you expect after pushing a child through your vagina?”

“Did it hurt badly?”

“Kind of felt like Maggie was breakdancing out of me.”

“Sounds festive,” he says and lets out a quiet chuckle. A little howl interrupts us. “I think Maggie is ready to see her Mommy.”

I reach out and he carefully places her in my arms.

Looking down, I get my first real look at my daughter. Dark fluffy hair and light eyes greet me; her full, pink lips open and close as she tests out her newly learnt bodily functions.

She is adorable.

“I was thinking Maggie Iris.” I meet Finnick’s eyes and he blushes as he sits on the bed next to me. “For the song that brought us together.”

It’s perfect.

I nod in agreement and look down at our daughter once more. “Hello, Maggie Iris Odair.”

I swallow the tears of happiness threatening to rise from my throat and instead give her a smile.

“I’m your Mommy.”

* * *

 

Oh yay! Another baby in the group—now who’s next?

There are not too many notes for this chapter.

Lago Yojoa is the largest lake in Honduras, bordered by mountains and national parks in the east and west side. About 20 miles from Lago Yojoa is the Pulhapanzak Waterfall, which is where Haymitch and Johanna shared their first kiss.

I’m obsessed with Pinterest and found these awesome Mason jar party favors with pink jellybeans inside that I based Maggie’s favors on.

Anyone have a Pinterest account too? You should totally add me.

“Iris” comes from the Goo-Goo Dolls song that was featured in Chapter 36.

We are five chapters away from the last chapter, not counting the epilogue.

Hellos, reviews and comments are welcomed on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Thank you again for reading!

Next: A House Divided, an Again outtake, featuring Gale and Madge Hawthorne.

Until then, JLaLa

 

 

 

 

 

 


	39. A House Divided, An Again Outtake

I thought a little Gadge was needed as we get to the end.

The characters of the Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Once again, thank you to my beta, Chelzie, for her hard work, especially as we finish this story together.

_“Can we go back to the days our love was strong?_   
_Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong?_   
_Can somebody tell me how to get things back_   
_The way they used to be…”_

_-Boyz II Men, “On Bended Knee” (1994)_

**Note: This outtake takes place directly after Chapter 31 of “Again”.**

A House Divided, An Again Outtake

**_Thursday, February 21, 2013_ **

_Tacoma, Washington_

“I’ll bring our bags up,” I tell Madge as we get out of the car.

Pale and worn out from the day and a half trip, Madge doesn’t respond; she simply slams her door shut and goes to unlock the front door of our two-story home.

Once the door is unlocked, she walks into the house without looking back.

The silence hurts but I don’t blame her; I haven’t been the best husband.  In fact, I’m at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to husbands.

The last words she spoke to me were in Napa and they weren’t very nice:

_“Go to her, Gale! Just know that she doesn’t love you like I do. In the end, Johanna won’t be at your side. I have always been here and will always be here. I hope you get your head out of your ass and realize that soon.”_

And Madge was right. Johanna does love me, but it will never be like it was in high school.

Maybe it never was the kind of love that we thought it was.

Am I sad about it? Yes, but it’s given me a lot to think about. It’s made me look at love a different way.

Did my heart ever beat faster when I looked into Johanna’s eyes? Did I ever find myself smiling for any reason other than the thought of her?

No, Johanna never made me feel this way, but Madge always has.

Taking the bags, I walk towards the now brightly lit house —the white light streaming out from the clear windows. Our house is in a wooded area with the next house being fifteen minutes away from us.

It is cozy and private, which we love. Madge used to joke that no one would hear us during sex.

Those days seem to be long gone.

Walking into the living room, I place the bags to the side of the front door before closing it. Around me, I’m surrounded by the memories of our once beautiful relationship. Her framed architecture drawings are hung along the walls, while on the mantle of our stone fireplace are pictures of our families along with our wedding photo.

I find myself drawn towards the fireplace and my hand brushes the frame of our wedding photo.

Madge looked beautiful in her white silk dress. Her blonde hair was curled and half-up—I loved when she wore her hair that way. What made her so beautiful to me that day was her smile—big and bright, excited for our new life together.

Next to Madge is her grandmother, Hanna, in a periwinkle blue dress and matching hat. She passed away five years ago and it really tore us up. I think it was harder because we really wanted to have a child before she left us.

We made her a promise that we would name our first daughter Hanna—and it hurt to leave that promise unfulfilled.

Beside me is Beetee, my roommate and friend from my old base in Texas. He now lives in Chicago and is married with two children. He works in a research lab and has long retired from the Army.

Then there is me—in my Army uniform and grinning from ear to ear.

It had been the best day of my life.

Since then, I have had very few good days.

Tiredly, I walk up the stairs and go to the master bedroom. Turning the knob, I find the door locked.

I knock softly. “Madge?”

The door whips open and Madge tosses a pillow and blanket at me. I attempt to approach her and she puts her hand up to stop me.

“I may have forgiven you, but I haven’t forgotten,” she tells me, tears in her voice. “I just can’t share a bed with you right now.”

I nod in understanding and Madge closes the door.

Pressing my ear to the door, I can hear the squeak of the bed as she sits down and after a moment, her quiet, muffled sobs follow.

I put my hand to the door, willing for a way to comfort her.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper into the wood.

A few minutes later, I hear her sobs subside and then wait until I hear her light snores before making my way to the door across from the master bedroom.

I take in a breath as I walk into the medium-sized room. It is the only room left undecorated.

It is supposed to be a nursery.

But for the time being, it’s my bedroom.

++++++

**_Friday, February 22, 2013_ **

“So I looked over Madge’s plans for the back porch and the possible extension of the den,” Thom, our contractor, tells me as we survey the backyard.  “I know there was one more room that she wanted me to look at. Do you know if she drew up any plans for it?”

I shake my head. “Let me check our office.”

I briskly walk into the house, entering the den and go through the door next to it, which is our office. The room is cluttered; papers on the desk, home design magazines stacked in a corner, and rolled up parchment on top of Madge’s easel.

I open each one to look for the plans that Madge might have drawn up until I reach the last roll.

This one is labeled, ‘Hanna’s Room’.

Unrolling it, I look over her plan; the built-in bookshelves, the alcove by the window, and even the placement of the furniture.

It looks so meticulous, this dream of hers.

I always loved her big dreams.

This is one plan, however, that I know that she’s not ready to share. Rolling the parchment back, I walk out of the office and return to the back porch where Thom is waiting.

“I didn’t find what you were looking for,” I tell him with a smile. “I do have a project that I’ll be working on though—maybe you can help me out.”

++++++

Later that night, I sit in my room, unable to sleep. The carpeted floor is soft enough for me to sleep on comfortably, but I find myself tossing and turning.

My mind is wide awake, my thoughts on the woman across the hall from me.

For the millionth time, I realize just how badly I have messed up our marriage. For a blip in time, I lost sight of what we had together and I am being deservedly punished.

Where did our love go?

Outside, I hear the rumble of a storm coming. They used to scare me, but not anymore.

Losing her scares me more.

The sound of the approaching thunder causes the house to shake and I tighten my blanket around me, trying to sleep.

_“Whisper to me softly, breathe words upon my skin_   
_No one's near and listening, so please don't say goodbye_   
_Just hold me close and love me, press your lips to mine_   
_Feels so right…feels so right…”_

The memory of her voice singing to me calms me instantly, and I remember that night in my mind.

It was the night that I told her that I loved her.

I can hear the tears in her voice as she asked me if I meant. I really did—and I still do.

_“’12:30—Gale told you he loves you.’”_

I can still hear her scribbling on a piece of paper as we talk on the phone.

I don’t realize that I’m crying until I see a tear hit my pillow.

Looking at my watch, I suddenly stand up. Maybe it’s the sadness overwhelming me or the sound of the foreboding storm, but I know that she should know how I feel.

Opening the door, I walk quietly across the hallway and to our bedroom door. I test the knob and find it unlocked, so I turn it to let myself in quietly.

Madge is asleep on her side while my side remains neatly made. I walk over and kneel before her, watching her sleep. She looks exhausted; her face is pale and dark circles surround her eyes.

Oh God, the way I’ve made her suffer.

Despite this, she is beautiful. Madge has always been beautiful to me despite every trial and tribulation we’ve gone through. It’s always been more than just her bright smile and her sunny eyes—it has been her strong spirit that has always had a hold on me.

“Gale, what are you doing here?” I look up to see her staring at me, her eyes bloodshot from crying.

“I just wanted to tell you that I love you,” I say.

“Why now?” she asks hoarsely.

I give her a sheepish smile. “Because it’s 12:30.”

Madge stares at me soundlessly for a long while before exhaustion and emotion take over and she falls asleep.

For the next month, every night at 12:30, I go to her room and awake or asleep I tell her that I love her.

++++++

**_Wednesday, March 27, 2013_ **

“What are you working on?”

I look up from my work to see that Madge has joined me on the back porch, a mug in her hands. Pieces of wood are arranged neatly in front of me along with my wood carving tools.

“Annie and Finnick’s baby shower is coming up in April,” I tell her. “Since we aren’t planning on going, I thought I’d make them something and send it before the party.”

She nods and looks out at the yard in front of us. “Thom seems to be getting a lot of work done out here.”

I give her a small smile. “I think it’s going to turn out really nice—maybe we can put a picnic table close to your garden.”

In the far right corner, Madge has created a small gardening patch for herself. I used to sit on the back porch and watch her, on her knees, bent over and digging away; she was quite the lovely sight.

She nods, watching me nervously, as I carve out the shape of a horse—I decided to make a set of animal figurines for the nursery.

Placing the mug on the top of the porch rail, she wraps her long sweater around herself.

“Gale, I need to tell you something,” she suddenly says.

I set the carving blade in my hands down and turn to give her my undivided attention.

This is the first time that she’s attempted to speak to me despite my nightly visits. She has filled her days with volunteer work and design consulting appointments.

I cook dinner every night and we eat together, our eyes never meeting, even when I attempt to ask her about her day. After dinner, I clean the kitchen and she goes to either the den or to our room. I go to my room and read, or Skype with Peeta or Posy on my laptop about the goings on in the Bay Area.

She takes a deep breath before meeting my eyes. “I think I might be pregnant.”

The breath suddenly leaves my body.

After a second, I find myself. “When?”

“At Annie and Finnick’s, after I tested negative on that last test and we…” she stops, blushing at the memory. “I’ve just been feeling off, too. And, I’m late—by two weeks.”

“Two weeks!” Something in my gut tells me that this is it—it has happened.

We will finally have our Hanna.

I look at her excitedly and falter; she looks so unsure. Approaching Madge, I carefully take her hand.

“Do you want me to get a test for you?” I ask. “Or maybe I can drive you to get one?”

Madge nods quickly. “Okay.”

“When do you want to go?”

“Right now,” she replies. “If you’re not too busy.”

“Of course not!” I give her a smile. “Maybe we can go to dinner—anywhere you want.”

Then I see it, a sliver of a grin grows on her full lips and Madge shyly nods again. “Okay.”

“Great, I’ll meet you back here whenever you’re ready,” I tell her and she quickly goes back into the house.

Sitting back down, I take a deep breath and let the excitement run through me. I don’t need the test to tell me what I already know.

I’m going to be a father.

++++++

The jingle of the diner door brings me out of my thoughts and I see Madge approaching our booth.  As I watch her walk gracefully towards me, I feel my heart skip watching her. Even in her faded ‘University of Tacoma’ hoodie and black leggings, she has managed to leave me breathless.

As she sits down, I hand her a cup of water. “Did you get everything you need?”

Madge holds up a paper bag. “About twenty of everything I need.”

“You better get to drinking then,” I joke and then hand her a menu. “What are you hungry for?”

“I could really use something sweet.” Her eyes gleam with hunger as she looks at the menu.

“I think I know what you’d like,” I tell her and signal for the waitress. “May I order for you?” Madge nods and I turn to the waitress. “Apple pie with strawberry ice cream for her, and a coffee for me.”

“Can you add some curly fries, too?” Madge suddenly asks and the waitress nods before leaving. She looks over at me. “This is kind of like of a date.”

“It can be if you want,” I respond and reach over to take her hand. She looks down at our joined hands before slowly pulling away.

“We can discuss it after I take the test,” she tells me seriously. I try not to look upset but Madge sees it anyway and smiles warmly at me. “But for what it’s worth, thank you for knowing exactly what I was craving.”

++++++

The moment we get home, we make our way up the stairs. The two of us stop in front of our bedroom and she meets my eyes tensely.

“I can wait out here if you want,” I say to her.

She shakes her head nervously. “No, come in with me.” I nod and together we enter our room. Somehow everything looks different to me, though I know there is nothing out of the ordinary except for the fact that it is a lot cleaner.

I tended to throw my clothes on the floor whenever I had a long day.

“I’ll just wait here,” I tell her and sit on the bed. She nods and turns to go. “Madge?” She turns back to me. “Uh…good luck.”

I want to smack myself in the face.

Madge unsuccessfully tries to suppress her smile and lets out a giggle. “Thanks.”

As she disappears into the bathroom, I stand up and look around the room. Post-war, the room seems colder though memories of waking up beside Madge warm me on the inside.

I walk to her vanity in the corner of our room and run my hand across the smooth wood. Perfume bottles stand lined up in front of the mirror while her hairbrushes rest neatly on the surface of the vanity. In the corner is an open jewelry box and my eyes suddenly find a long chain hanging out it—it’s from the locket that Hanna had given Madge for her birthday.

“Gale?” Turning, I see Madge watching me—the test in her hand. “I have one of those digital tests so it’s pretty straight-forward, but I took another one, too—it’s on the bathroom counter.”

I nod. “Why don’t you sit down while we wait?” I say to her and she places the test on her bedside table before sitting on the edge of her bed.

I join her after a moment and we fall into an awkward, deafening silence.

“How are you?” I finally ask.

She looks at me in disbelief before answering, “Possibly pregnant and yourself?” I can see her mouth turning up in a smile.

“On the verge of maybe being a father,” I respond and she lets out a hearty laugh. My heart jumps in happiness because I haven’t heard a real laugh from her in a long time. “I love your laugh.”

She catches herself immediately and stops. “Our three minutes are up.” Madge stands and rushes to her bedside table.

Looking at the test, she turns to me, glowing. “Pregnant.”

“I’ll go check the other one.” I rush over to the counter of the restroom and pick up the stick. According to the picture on it, the two double lines on it indicate a positive result. Walking out of the bathroom, I try to suppress the excitement threatening to bubble over. “The test is positive.”

We rush to each other meeting halfway and I can’t help but pull her into my arms.

“I knew it,” I say quietly into her ear. “I could feel it in my bones that Hanna was coming.” I hear her sniffle against me and carefully pull away from her. “What’s wrong? Aren’t you happy?”

“I am,” she replies quietly and then looks up at me brokenly. “At the same time, I’m unhappy because this wasn’t supposed to happen when we are in the middle of all of this!”

“I’m trying to fix us, Madge! I know that I messed up—“

“You did more than mess up, Gale! YOU FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE!” she screams, her face turning red. “You let everyone lie to my face and make a fool of me.” Madge bursts into tears. “I can’t deal with you right now! Not now that she is coming!”

“Madge—“

“GET OUT!” She is pushing me out the door in a heartbeat. “I can’t!”

I stumble out the door and Madge slams it in front of my face. Looking at her closed door, I feel my knees crumble to the ground and my eyes burn with tears.

How could it go from one thing to another so fast? I have to accept it for what it is—as much as it hurts me, I know that I’ve hurt her tenfold.

That night, when I go to her, she is turned away from me. I still sit on the floor, leaning against her bedside table.

“I love you, Madge,” I whisper into the silent air. “I love you too, Hanna.”

Madge never turns to look at me, even when I see her shoulders begin to shake in harsh sobs. I know that she does not want my comfort as she has more strength and pride than that.

If she wants to, Madge could raise our daughter by herself because she is strong enough.

It is me, however, that is not strong enough to be without her.

++++++

**_Tuesday, April 2, 2013_ **

“So you think you might be about two months pregnant?” Dr. Holloway, Madge’s obstetrician, asks as she looks over Madge’s results.

“I think so,” my wife replies anxiously. “I took a test in early February and it came out negative. I was so upset and well, Gale and I…” She blushes shyly. “Anyway, I suspect that was when we conceived.”

“Your hormone levels are a little higher than someone who is only about two months pregnant.” The doctor looks up at us and gives us a small smile. “It is possible that you got a false negative, Madge.”

“What?” Madge’s blue eyes go wide and she looks at me in panic. “Do you remember if I had any alcohol while we were in Napa?”

I take her hand. “You didn’t want to drink. Remember, honey? Just in case?”

She looks relieved and turns to Dr. Holloway. “Now what?”

“My nurse will escort you the exam room and you can change. I want to sit down and have a talk with Gale before we meet you over there.” A young woman in pink scrubs comes in and gives Madge a friendly smile.

Madge looks at me nervously and I nod reassuringly. “I’ll see you there,” I tell her. She nods before following the nurse.

When the door is closed, I turn to Dr. Holloway. She is in her mid-forties with short blonde hair and dark, kindly eyes. She folds her hands on the table and gives me a smile.

“Congratulations, Gale,” she says to me. “You can relax—I just wanted to talk to you about what to expect from Madge now that she is pregnant. I know you both wanted this for a long time.” Her eyes gaze into mine seriously. “I also suspect that it has caused a lot of stress in your relationship.”

“I know it has,” I tell her quietly. “I’m trying to be a better man for her.”

“You have to be more than that for her,” she says to me. “Try to keep her as stress-free as you can—it is a crucial time for Madge and I hate to see her hurt any more than she has been before.”

I nod shamefully. “I know.”

“I think you’re going to be a wonderful father, Gale,” she assures me with a smile. “Your child is going to be very protected in your presence.” Standing up, the doctor rounds the table. “Now let’s go take some pictures of your baby.”

Together, we go into the adjacent room which is the doctor’s exam room. Madge is waiting for us on the exam table in a cloth gown with a paper blanket over her lap. An ultrasound machine is next to the table.

“Why don’t you lay back and put your feet in the stirrups, Madge? Then we can get started,” Dr. Holloway tells her as she goes to the sink to wash her hands. “Gale, you can stand to her left.”

Once the doctor has her gloves on, she stands in-between Madge’s spread legs. “I’m just going to feel the cervix.”

Madge suddenly takes my hand as she gasps. “It’s a little sensitive down there,” she tells me.

“Everything seems fine from here,” the doctor informs us. “Let see if we can get a look at the baby. I think I’m going to try the camera on your abdomen since it’s less invasive.”

She folds back the paper blanket as she helps Madge lift her gown to expose her abdomen. I can see the swell clearly—how did I not notice it before?

Dr. Holloway looks around as Madge and I watch her nervously. My wife’s hand, still in mine, tightens when we suddenly see the rapid movement on the screen—her heartbeat, and then the doctor moves again, this time showing the clear profile of a child’s head.

“As I suspected,” Dr. Holloway tells us with a smile. “You’re a lot more than two months pregnant, Madge. Just based on my measurements and the size of your baby, you’re actually at the tail end of your first trimester.”

“But I bled,” Madge tells her as she looks at the screen. “How can this be possible?”

“Pregnant women can sometimes have spotting during their first trimester which can be mistaken for a period.”

“What about the negative pregnancy test?” I ask her. My eyes, however, are trained on the screen.

“Pregnancy tests aren’t always reliable, Gale.”

Madge suddenly sits up and bursts into tears. It has hit her that this is real—there is a baby inside there.

A baby that is coming into a broken marriage and a house divided.

How can we bring Hanna into such a situation?

++++++

“You’ve really got yourself into one fucked-up pickle,” Posy tells me as we talk on my laptop, a frown marring her pretty face. “How’s Madge?”

“She’s not talking to me,” I reply and sigh. “I don’t blame her.”

“You have to do something big, Gale,” she says. “Madge made sacrifices for you, and you paid her back by fucking your ex-girlfriend. You’re lucky that she didn’t throw your dumb ass out.”

“Don’t you think I know that? I’m trying, Posy—I really am.”

“I know, big brother,” she responds. “This is probably out of your realm, but maybe you can try to do something romantic for her.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know!” Posy says and I can see her picking up a cigarette. “Madge doesn’t seem like a flowers and candy kind of girl. It has to be something to let her know that you’ve been listening or watching for things that are special to her.”

Then it comes to me.

“I’ve got it,” I suddenly tell her. “I have to make a phone call so I’ll talk to you later, Posy.”

“You owe me an explanation later,” she demands roughly though I see the softness in her eyes. “I love you, bro. Congratulations.”

“Thanks, Aunt Posy,” I reply and blow a kiss at her. “By the way, you should probably stop smoking if you want to see your niece.”

“Fuck off,” Posy responds and blows smoke at the camera. “I promise that this is the last one. Now go and get your wife back!”

++++++

**_Two Weeks Later_ **

The curve of the wood is perfect and as I reach for the sandpaper, I see Madge step out into the porch. I watch as she approaches me, a hand on her slight belly that is showing behind her heavy knit rose-colored sweater.

“I thought that you were finished with Annie’s baby shower present,” she says as she sits across from me on the bench.

I meet her eyes. “I am. I sent it out this morning,” I reply. “We did get an invitation to Adina’s graduation and party, so I thought I’d try my hand at making her something, like maybe a bookshelf for her apartment or dorm.”

“That sounds good.” Her eyes look out at the new extension of the porch that Thom has completed. “It’s weird, huh? The big age difference between the kids—Adina is going to college and Maggie is going to be born in a month.” Her hand caresses her belly. “And this little one will be here before the year is out.”

“Don’t forget Thresh and Teddy, they could adopt a child within a year or two,” I remind her.

“There’s also Haymitch and Johanna.” Our eyes meet and I can see her watching for my reaction. “Annie told me that they’re pretty serious.”

I give her a smile and put the sanded wood down next to me. 

“I think it’ll be a year or two before they have a child. Haymitch would want to have a permanent home to put roots down. Johanna would want to complete her work with Doctors Without Borders. Or maybe she would figure out a way to bring their baby with her as they traveled.” Madge looks shocked at my answer and I can’t help but chuckle. “Didn’t get the answer you were expecting?”

“It was just a surprise,” she replies simply as she toys with the necklace she is wearing. “Do you miss her?”

I shake my head. “No. I know that Johanna is where she should be.” I sit back in contemplation. “And that she is with the person that she should be with.” I look over at Madge. “Do you know what I felt the last time I was with her?”

“Do I want to know?”

“Nothing,” I tell her. “Part of me will always love Johanna, but that love has changed into something else.” I take Madge’s hand. “It’s nothing compared to the love we have.”

“What’s the difference?” she asks in a quiet voice.

“The spark that I had with her has changed. It’s been fading for years and I think there was part of me that was just trying so hard to hold on the person I was in the past.” I lift Madge’s hand to my lips and place a gentle kiss on her knuckles. “But with you, that fire, that spark has never burnt out, even in the worst of times. Because you make me want to grow into something better and you always will.”

“Will Hanna change that?” The trembling in her voice tells me that is biting her tears back.

I shake my head and place another kiss on her hand. “No.” I meet her eyes and smile.

 I can see the clarity in her sky-blue eyes, the fogginess of fear that was once harbored in them seems to be fading. I will keep trying to clear it away.

“With Hanna, we can grow into something even better.”

++++++

**_Sunday, April 21, 2013 12:25AM_ **

I rush into the den where I know Madge is, excitement running through me. I find her asleep on our couch; on her belly is an opened copy of ‘ _What to Expect When You’re Expecting’_.

Carefully, I move the book off of her stomach and place it face-down on our coffee table.

Placing a hand on her abdomen, I find myself excited at the thought of our baby inside there.

I lean down so that my mouth is on the swell. “Hey Hanna, it’s your Dad. Hope you’re comfortable in there, though I’m sure you are. Your Mommy has a way of making anyone feel comfortable and protected. She always did that for me—made me feel safe and loved. I’m going to try very hard to make you feel that way, too. It might not be as easy for me though.”

A gentle hand runs through my hair and I look up to see Madge watching me, tears running down the sides of her eyes.

Sitting up, I lean forward and kiss her softly on the lips. She responds passionately, her arms wrapping around my neck to pull me closer as her mouth opens in a gasp. This is the Madge I know, the Madge I love—this passionate woman who can bring me to my knees with just a smile.

Finally, I pull away from her and press my forehead to hers. We are breathless, our lips still inches from one another and I can see the want in her eyes.

“I didn’t come here for that,” I tell her.

“I know,” she replies with a smile. Her hand runs through my hair. “It’s going to be okay, Gale. Our child will be safe with you. Hanna will love you, I know it.”

“How do you know that?” I ask, the fear apparent in my voice.

“Because she can’t help but love you, just like I can’t.”

I swallow my tears. “What are you telling me?”

“I love you, Gale,” she whispers to me, her eyes full. “I always will.”

My voice catches and I give her a soft smile. “I love you, too.”

My watch beeps and I look at it before showing her the time on the display: _12:30AM_.

Madge giggles as I help her sit up. “So why did you come in here?”

“Finnick texted me to tell me that Annie had the baby. She came yesterday evening.”

“Oh my God! Wasn’t the baby shower yesterday?”

I nod. “She started having contractions during the shower.” I hand her my cell phone. “He sent pictures. Her name is Maggie Iris Odair.”

“She’s looks exactly like Annie—thank God.” I laugh watching her sort through the photos of Baby Maggie.

“I hope Hanna has your eyes,” I tell her suddenly and she meets my eyes, her cheeks turning pink. I stand up and hold out my hand. “I want to show you something.”

Grinning at my excitement, Madge takes my hand and stands up slowly.

++++++

Stopping in front of the room across from our bedroom, I open the door for her. “After you.”

Madge lets out a cry as I close the door and I turn quickly to see her looking around in disbelief.

“Are you okay?”

She turns to me. “How did you know?”

I take the rolled up parchment and hand it over to her. “Everything is done—right down to the T.” She looks at the roll labeled, ‘Hanna’s Room’. “I did add a few things, though.”

Everything she wanted is in the nursery: the built-in bookshelves that now hold children’s books and picture frames with our photos of our families, the alcove next to the window which is now covered with a sheer white curtain so that the soft morning light can be brought in, and the furniture exactly where she wanted it.

“I found the plans in the office one day and Thom helped bring it to light,” I tell her as she touches the rocking chair next to the bookshelves. “I made the furniture and picked out the colors for the crib bedding, but you can change it.”

“No, it’s perfect.” She goes to the soft white dresser with yellow accents and pulls open a drawer.  Madge takes out a small, white onesie. “Where did this come from?”

“My Mom sent some old baby clothes—they’re vintage, but they’ll do.”

Madge lets out a laugh. “I’m sure my brother can send some things, too.” She touches the hand of the stuffed bunny on top of the dresser. “This is everything that I pictured.”

I take her hand and lead her to the crib where her hands immediately go to the buttercup yellow blanket.

“I put the blanket that Hanna made for you when you were a kid in here—I thought that the baby might like it. She could bring it with her everywhere. Katniss once told me about how Adina would always carry a blanket around as a kid—maybe Hanna will do the same thing.”

“I think she will,” she tells me with a smile.

Looking up, Madge suddenly gasps and then turns to me.

“Where did you find it?”

“I found it while looking around the office one day and thought this would be the perfect place to put it.”

Putting her head on my shoulder, Madge reads the framed message hung on the wall behind Hanna’s crib.

The color of the paper has faded to a dulled yellow, but the messages are still clearly written in Madge’s neat cursive.

**_12:30—‘Gale told you he loves you.’_ **

**_12:32—‘I told Gale that I love him.’_ **

* * *

 

Goodness me, Gale can be super romantic when he puts his mind to it.

I decided to write this as I felt that Madge and Gale’s story needed an ending (or a beginning, as I like to think of it) to their arc. They will be in the last chapter of “Again” for Adina’s graduation and at that point, Madge will be obviously pregnant. The relationship between Gale and Madge will have also changed drastically from the last time they were seen, so this needed an explanation.

 **RECAP (As there are a lot of references to Chapter 30)** :

Hanna is Madge’s grandmother, who is introduced in Chapter 30. She is very close to both Madge and Gale and was one of the only witnesses to their wedding. Madge makes a promise that their first daughter will be name Hanna after her.

If you’re worried that the baby will be a boy—don’t be. Gale has very good instincts. I know a few fathers who “instinctually” knew their baby’s sex before it was seen in the sonogram.

 **12:30AM** is the exact time that Gale tells Madge that he loves her and **12:32AM** is exact time when Madge says it back. Both times are noted on the paper that Gale finds.

Madge is an Architecture Major at University of Houston and continues her studies in Washington. She doesn’t exactly design skyscrapers like she wanted to, but does continue to work as a consultant for architecture companies.

The song that Gale remembers Madge singing is called “Feels So Right” by Alabama.

The locket that we briefly see in Madge’s jewelry box is the one that Hanna gives to Madge for her birthday. Hanna gives it to Gale to put a picture of himself and Madge in it, which he does.

Gale tells Dr. Holloway that he’s trying to be “a better man” for Madge. “A Better Man” by All-4-One is Gale’s song to Madge.

Hellos, comments and reviews are always welcomed on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Next: Peeta ’99 - the last past chapter for Peeta

Until then, JLaLa


	40. Chapter Thirty-Eight: 1999

The last past chapter for Peeta! We’re almost there…

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for her hard work as we reach the end.

_Every time the phone rings,_   
_Do you wish it was me calling you?_   
_Do you still feel the same?_   
_Or has time put out the flame?_   
_I miss you_   
_Is everything okay?_

_-Brian McKnight “6, 8, 12” (1999)_

Again

Part Six, Chapter Thirty-Eight: 1999

**_Monday, December 27, 1999_ **

_Manhattan, New York_

“Cinna?” I knock gently on my friend’s door. “Are you okay?”

No answer.

Reaching into the pocket of my jeans, I take out my spare key to his apartment and unlock the door. I hate invading his privacy, even though Cinna has said that it’s okay for me to come without knocking.

Slowly, I turn the knob and enter his apartment. “Cinna?” Still nothing.

I look around at the neatness as I walk through the entrance and into the living room. There are a few scattered drinking glasses on his coffee table, along with the September issue of _Vogue_. The bible-thick magazine is open to a Dior spread and my eyes land on one model—causing a lump to form in my throat.

She looks like Glimmer.

She might even be my late friend, but it is hard to remember how she used to look. The memories of her in a hospital bed are still fresh in my mind, as is the pain of losing her.

Then I remember. “Shit.”

Today marks the anniversary of the death of Cinna’s father—and it’s also Glimmer’s birthday.

I can hear the creak of his bedroom door as Cinna emerges from his room. His normally groomed afro is misshapen and he is wearing a pair of black sweats and a navy hoodie.

“Peeta?” His eyes are swollen. “What are you doing here?”

I pick up one of the glasses next to the _Vogue_ and take a sniff—whiskey. 

I place it back down and look up at him sadly. “You could’ve called me to join you.”

“It was late,” he croaks out. “I didn’t want to bother you—I know you’ve been busier than usual with photo gigs and all.”

Cinna hasn’t been working on his clothing line since Glimmer’s death. It didn’t start out like this.

At first, he would just sit as his desk with pencils scattered nearby with a sketch in front of him, doing nothing but staring at it. Then one day, there were no drawings at all.

Cinna started working at a high-end menswear store on the Upper East Side. He is doing well at the store, but it’s not him—he should be designing clothes that will be in Paris for the upcoming season, not measuring guys for custom dress shirts.

I’ve been taking photos for special events--weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs and such, but it isn’t the same.

The thrill of taking a photograph, that is.

“This isn’t you,” I tell him. “You shouldn’t be shutting yourself away like this.”

Cinna laughs gruffly as he flops himself on the couch next to me. “Remember when it was me trying to get you out of those dark moods?”

“I remember,” I reply. “Now it’s your turn. She wouldn’t want you to be moping around like this.”

He looks over at me, tears shimmering in his dark eyes. “I know. She would always make me do something fun since it was her birthday and because she wanted to get my mind off of my Dad. And I wanted to make her feel special, you know? I never wanted her to feel like her being here was a mistake because to me, Glimmer was my sister. And now she’s gone—and I’m stuck remembering both her and my Dad.”

“I’m still here,” I offer quietly. “I’m not much of a drinker and I wouldn’t look as attractive as she did in a bustier,” he lets out a choked guffaw at my words, “But I’ll let you talk about your Dad if you want, and we can still celebrate Glimmer’s birthday.”

“He loved strawberry ice cream,” Cinna suddenly says. “Even though he was allergic to strawberries—and Mama would throw a fit whenever she caught him grabbing a spoonful from the contraband container he put in the back of our freezer. Sometimes after school, he would pick me up and we’d go to this small ice cream parlor near our house to share a bowl of strawberry ice cream. I would talk to him about baseball practice or the latest clothes people were wearing at school.”

He sniffs back tears. “I never noticed that he didn’t eat any of the ice cream. My mother told me after he died that he never went there, just to sneak any ice cream behind her back. He took me because he just wanted to hear about my life. He never ate a bite because he didn’t want to miss any of my words.”

Cinna falls apart, his shoulders shaking with his heavy sobs. I pull him into my arms and try to stop my own tears from falling.

It has been a rough year, that’s for sure.

“Let it out,” I tell him. “Let it out for both of us.”

“When will we stop feeling like this?” He pulls away from me slowly. Tears stain his dark skin.

I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe we won’t ever stop feeling sad on this day. Maybe we just have to let the pain ebb away, bit by bit, until it’s not inside us anymore.”

Cinna smiles softly. “That’s a good, honest answer.”

“It’s the only kind I can give.” I clear my throat and then look over at him. “Do you want to go watch a movie? I heard that _Galaxy Quest_ is pretty good.”

“Isn’t Alan Rickman in that one?” he asks with a small smile. “He’s pretty hot—kinda had a thing for him ever since _Sense and Sensibility_.”

“If you’re going to ogle him throughout the movie, I’m going to have to distract myself with Sigourney Weaver,” I say to him. “She was looking pretty hot herself in the trailer I saw.”

We both start to laugh, loud and heartily, and it echoes throughout the apartment. It’s been so long since there’s been laughter in this apartment.

“Now get up, wash up, and I’ll call Moviefone for times.”

He nods and then looks over at me. “Thanks, Peeta.” Cinna sighs and I see the faint sadness still in his eyes. “But would it be okay if I just cried a little longer?” He lets out a shaky breath, the tears threatening to spill again. “I’ve been holding it in for so long.”

“It’s okay—I think you deserve one last cry,” I respond softly. “Everyone should have one last cry.”

++++++

**_Tuesday, December 28, 1999_ **

“So how was your Christmas?” Thresh asks me over the phone. “We miss you around here, bro.”

“It was okay,” I reply as I sit on my just made bed. “Kind of lonely since I didn’t go home for Christmas. Cinna hasn’t been in the right frame of mind lately. It’s a hard month for him.”

“From what you told me, I can imagine,” he replies kindly. “Losing his Dad after Christmas and all.” Even though Thresh is the one of the few people that I still communicate with, I haven’t told him about losing Glimmer. To do that, I would have to delve into painful territory that Cinna and I aren’t ready to face yet. “It hasn’t been the best few days here, either.”

Katniss’ face suddenly flashes in my mind. “Is everything okay?”

“A few days ago, Johanna found out that Gale got married,” he replies quietly. “She broke down while taking a walk with Katniss.”

“No shit!”

“And you’ll never guess who he married,” he continues. “Madge Undersee.”

“The pretty blonde who used to talk to him all the time?” I remember that Gale never even gave her a second glance, especially when Johanna was in the picture. “Who would’ve known? It’s funny. You never know who you’re going to end up with.”

“Tell me about it,” he mutters.

There’s a pregnant pause.

“Go ahead—ask me,” Thresh suddenly says. “I know you want to.”

I sigh. I could never really get anything past Thresh. “How’s Katniss?”

“She’s busy.” He stops for a moment. “With school and all. She’s going into computer programming.”

“I’m proud of her,” I say. “My girl has always been smart.”

I hear Thresh stifle a laugh. “Your girl? Still mooning over our Katniss, aren’t we?”

The thought of her still grips my insides. However, it isn’t tinged with pain anymore, just longing.

“I guess I always will,” I finally say. “I just hope that she’s happy.”

“She’s busy, but happy,” he tells me. “I’ve kept her busy since I’m making her throw a New Year’s Eve Party at her Dad’s place. It’s not her thing, but she’s helping out.”

“That’s good,” I say. “I’m glad that she has all of you.”

Thresh suddenly goes silent. After a moment, he clears his throat. “Why don’t you give me a call after midnight here? If you’re awake and all, that is. I can’t promise anything but maybe you can tell her Happy New Year or something.”

I swallow nervously. “Okay, I’ll give you a call.”

“Just don’t get your hopes up if she doesn’t want to talk,” he warns. “I know that she broke it off, but I don’t think she’ll ever really get over the pain of losing you—even if she wanted to.”

“I know.” I clear my throat. ”Happy soon-to-be Millennium.”

“You too, my friend. I’ll talk to you soon.”

The line goes dead.

After all these years, I might get to speak to her. I try not to stop the nervous excitement building up in me, but I can’t help it.

There is always a reason to hope, right?

++++++

**_Thursday, December 30, 1999_ **

_“If tomorrow is Judgment Day_   
_And I'm standin' on the front line_   
_And the Lord ask me what I did with my life_   
_I will say I spent it with you…”_

I knock on the door. “Cinna?”

I easily turn the doorknob and open the door, following the music towards the living room.

_“If I wake up in World War Three_   
_I see destruction and poverty_   
_And I feel like I want to go home_   
_It's okay if your comin' with me…”_

Cinna sits, hunched over at drawing table. Surrounding the nearby floor are rolled up pieces of recycled newspaper and I can’t help but let the smile grow on my face.

He’s drawing again.

“GAH!” Cinna suddenly tears off another paper and rolls it up. He turns and his eyes widen at the sight of me. “Peeta! What are you doing here?”

“I knocked, dude, but you seemed very into whatever you were doing,” I say as I sit on the couch across from his drawing table.

He frowns at me. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Maybe I’ve lost it.”

I stand up. “Let’s go.”

Cinna looks at me confused. “What?”

“Put your jacket on. We need to get the fuck out of here.”

++++++

“Where are we going, Peeta?”

One train ride and a few stops later, Cinna and I are walking down from SoHo. The sky is clear, though the ground is covered with thick snow. Every so often, a plow truck will pass us by on its way to clear a snow blocked street.

Cinna, in his bomber jacket, shivers in the crisp air. I find it refreshing and it helps get my mind off of things—like my possible talk with Katniss. I haven’t talked to my friend about her; he has enough on his mind already.

“Peeta? Come on, dude—it’s getting cold out here,” Cinna tells me.

I suddenly turn to him. “Look around, man! This is life—a life you’re missing out on because you’re too busy mourning what’s gone. Yes, I know that Glimmer is gone but I’M STILL HERE!”

“I know that, Peeta—”

“No, you don’t. I’m just trying to help you,” I say. “You need to fall in love with yourself again, because somewhere along the way you forgot the best parts about you—your strength and the way you see the world.” I look over at him. “Somewhere along the way, you fell out of love with New York, because there is too much of Glimmer here.”

Cinna turns to me, tears in his eyes. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re my brother and my best friend,” I say to him. “Once upon a time, you helped me love myself and New York. I can’t thank you enough for that.”

He stares at me for a bit before turning and continuing our walk.  We stroll in silence when Cinna suddenly stops.

“Whoa!”

I turn to him. “What?”

He points up soundlessly. I look up and realize that we are right in front of the Twin Towers.

“It’s beautiful, don’t you think?” he asks as we both stare up, our necks straining as our eyes reach the top. “The way the light is hitting in-between the buildings?” Cinna looks over at me. “You’re right, Peeta. I’ve been blind to everything in front of me.” He looks up again. “Life is beautiful at times, don’t you think?”

A block of coldness rushes through my insides. Maybe it’s feeling so small around this block of buildings or the harsh air, but I find myself feeling confined and panicked despite being out in this once refreshing air.

“Peeta?” I turn to Cinna quickly. “You looked really pale for a moment. Were you listening?”

I shake myself out of my daze. “I’m sorry…what?”

“I was thinking that we should have a New Year’s Eve Party,” he replies. “I mean it’s the Millennium – a new beginning for us both.”

I give him a smile. “Sounds like a plan—now I owe you a coffee.”

“A non-fat vanilla latte with an extra shot,” he demands with a crooked smile and puts his arm around me. “I know a place up in SoHo where we can grab a cup and make plans for the party. I’m also going to need the extra jolt to work on some of my designs.”

Together, we walk away and the coldness inside me diminishes, as I listen to my best friend’s plans.

++++++

**_Friday, December 31, 1999 11:55PM (EST)_ **

_“We've got stars directing our fate_   
_and we're praying it's not too late_   
_'cause we know we're falling from grace_   
_Millennium…”_

I weave my way through Cinna’s crowded apartment. Around me, men and women of the fashion world are dressed in an array of silver, gold and black. Some of the models, who I’ve photographed during Cinna’s walkthroughs, greet me with double kisses on my cheeks.

By the time I reach my friend, my face is covered with lipstick prints in an array of reds, nudes and hot pinks. Cinna stands next to a man in an impeccable suit and a petite dark-haired girl in a simple black dress; both the man and woman are wearing horn-rimmed glasses.

“Peeta!” Cinna pulls me into their circle. “This is Flavius, my former boss, and his cousin, Clove.”

“Nice to meet you both,” I say with a smile as I shake their hands. Flavius gives me a strong handshake as does Clove, though she gives me a shy grin.

“Cinna was just raving about your talent in photography,” Flavius tells me as he waves his champagne glass around. “My cousin is an avid photography follower. She’s starting her second year at NYU as a Business Management major.”

I turn to Clove. “I go to NYU, too. How are you liking it?”

“It’s cool,” she tells me in a light voice. “I just moved here from Connecticut so it’s a big change for me to be living in Manhattan. I saw some of your work in the Arts Building—you’re very talented. I especially love the black and white of that one girl—the blonde? There’s a great light in her eyes, you know.”

I meet Cinna’s eyes before giving Clove a smile. “We know.”

“Anyway darling, I was telling Cinna that I’m looking for someone to do a shoot for my newest advertisements for the store. You have Cinna and Clove’s endorsement—do you think you’d be up for it?” Flavius asks me. “You’d be paid—” He whispers the amount in my ear and my eyes widen. “Plus we would compensate for the equipment as well.”

The amount he tells me is enough to pay for a whole semester at NYU.

My eyes meet Cinna and Clove, who both nod excitedly, urging me to accept.

“Yes, of course!” I agree and shake Flavius’ hand. “I’ll come down on Monday and we can go over what look you’re going for.”

Cinna looks at his watch. “Oh shit—”He rushes to stand on the coffee table in the middle of the room. “EVERYONE, WE’RE DOWN TO THE LAST MINUTE!”

I look over at Clove, who is smiling happily at everything around her. She reminds me a lot of myself when I first came to New York, so wide-eyed and excited for what’s to come.

“Do you want to grab some coffee one of these days?” I ask her. “I can show you around the city and get you familiar with the campus.”

She nods excitedly. “Of course!” Clove is practically bouncing and I grin at her enthusiasm. “This is so cool—my first month in New York and I’m at this party full of models and artists.” Her eyes meet a long-legged blonde who is a few feet away and she blushes before she looks over at me. “And I got to meet you. Seeing your pictures made me stop thinking about home for the first time since I’ve been here. Thanks for that.”

I give her a smile. “You’re welcome.”

Cinna suddenly begins the countdown and we all join in excitedly. “TEN…NINE…EIGHT…SEVEN…”

Someone hands me a filled champagne glass as streams of silver fly around me. Katniss’ smiling face fills my mind and there is no pain attached to the thought of her.

There is only love.

“THREE…TWO…ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

The jazz band that Cinna has hired begins to play _Auld Lang Syne_ as everyone around me greets one another.

I turn to Clove and give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Happy New Year!” She smiles at me and Flavius greets me with a kiss on both my cheeks. Some of Cinna’s friends shake my hand and of course, the girls who work with Cinna rush over and bombard me with kisses once again.

“I’m so jealous,” Clove says to me as she admires my lipstick covered face.

I raise my eyebrows at her. “Oh, really?”

“Really. The girl with the belly button piercing—the blonde one? Totally hot.”

“PEETA!” I turn and find myself engulfed in Cinna’s hug. “Happy New Year, my brother! Thanks for bringing me back to life. It’s going to be a great year and we’re going to make the most of it, right?”

I meet his eyes and smile. “Of course.”

++++++

**_Saturday, January 1, 2000 3:01AM (EST)_ **

Cinna is passed out on his couch, his mouth open as he snores softly.  I gather the stack of disposable plates and throw them into the plastic bag that I’m carrying. The ground is littered with confetti and is sticky from spilt liquor.

The door to the bathroom clicks and Clove comes out.

“Wow. This place is wrecked.” She laughs as she spots Cinna on the couch. “It looks like he had a good time.” Going over to him, Clove plants a kiss on his forehead and he lets out a snort. “I’d better get going.”

“You going to be okay?” I ask. “I can call a cab—“

“I’m sure I’ll find one down on the street,” Clove assures me. I walk her over to the door. “Happy New Year, Peeta. I hope we get to become good friends.”

“Me too,” I tell her. “Maybe we’ll even work together one day. You can help me run my business since you’re going into that field.”

“Business?”

“I want to open my own photography company one day,” I tell her as I open the front door for her. “You know, when I make it big and all.”

“Of course,” she says and kisses me on the cheek. “Happy Millennium!”

I wave before closing the door. The music from Cinna’s stereo system plays softly in the background.

_“Oh, I want to get away_   
_I want to fly away…”_

“Yeah…yeah…yeah…” I sing along as I reach for the phone on the coffee table. Cinna won’t mind if I use his phone, and even though he is knocked out, his presence is enough to calm my nerves.

I dial Thresh’s cell phone number and he answers quickly. “Happy New Year, Peeta!” I can hear noisemakers going off in the background.

“Happy New Year, my friend,” I reply with a smile. “Sounds like quite a party.”

“It has been pretty crazy! I finally just left my DJ booth.” He pauses for a moment. “Listen, Peeta, I think that Katniss might have stepped out or something—“

I can hear the guilt in his voice. “She’s not ready to talk to me, is she?”

Thresh sighs into the phone. “I’m sorry, bro.”

“No, it’s okay.” There is no pain, just acceptance of the situation. “In a way, I kind of understand her. Just take care of her, okay?”

“Always. Happy New Year, Peeta.”

“Happy New Year, Thresh.” I hear the click of his phone and turn off Cinna’s phone.

“She didn’t want to talk?” I look up from my seat and see Cinna looking over at me tiredly.

I shake my head. “No.”

“Are you okay?”

“I think I am,” I say to him honestly. “It doesn’t hurt as much anymore—and something tells me that I’m going to see her again.”

“So we’ll just have to make sure that you’re a big-time photographer the next time you see her,” he says as he watches me in concern. “However, I’m sure that none of that will matter in the end.”

“The only thing that will matter in the end is that she loves me,” I respond as I stand up. “I should take off so you can get some sleep.”

Cinna nods understandingly and we walk over to his front door. “Breakfast tomorrow?”

“I want to see the designs for your new line, so most definitely,” I tell him. “You’re going to be big one day.”

He laughs as he opens the door for me and I step out. “Here’s hoping. See you tomorrow.”  

Cinna closes the door and I turn to make my way down to my apartment. However, my feet suddenly stop and I’m making my way to the opposite end of the hallway and into the stairwell.

Walking up a flight, I open the door at top of the stairs and find myself on the roof of the apartment building. I walk towards the edge of the roof and spot a familiar pair of lawn chairs.

Sitting in one of the seats, I look up into the clear sky as the sound of people celebrating call out in the distance.

_“I think I’ll be better this year.”_

I turn to the lawn chair next to me, remembering that once there was a girl who sat there and made that same promise.

She just couldn’t follow through.

I will, however—for myself. One day, I will see Katniss again and I want to be someone that she can be proud of.

Because as much as I’ve tried to stop and as much I’ve changed, I’m still in love with her. Those feelings haven’t faltered—not once.

That has to mean something.

I feel my heart pounding as I ponder the moment when I’ll see her again.

I know that it’s going to be life-changing.

Looking up at the moon, I let my lips pull up into a smile.

 “Happy New Year, Katniss.”

* * *

 

WE DID IT! We’ve reached the last past chapter of “Again”—brings tears to my eyes.

I really wanted to focus on this friendship/familial bond between Cinna and Peeta. They’ve really become each other’s backbone after Glimmer’s passing. Cinna really credits Peeta for bringing him back to life and it definitely shows, especially in “September”.

Also, Peeta will eventually find a way to honor his friend.

You have also just seen Clove and Peeta’s first meeting, which culminates into a very profitable work relationship, as she becomes his assistant/business manager. You will hear from her in the next chapter.

Notes:

“Galaxy Quest” is a science-fiction comedy starring Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver and Alan Rickman. It premiered in the United States on December 25, 1999.

Cinna refers to Alan Rickman being in 1995’s “Sense and Sensibility”, where he plays Colonel Brandon.

Moviefone is a movie-listing information base that you were able to call using the number “777-FILM”, to get movie times. In 1999, it was purchased by AOL.

Songs:

“My Love is Your Love”-Whitney Houston

“Millennium”-Robbie Williams

“Fly Away”-Lenny Kravitz (Yeah, I went there…)

There is some foreshadowing to later events which we all already know about.

Hello, reviews, and feedback are always welcomed on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Next: Peeta, 2013—a phone call changes everything.

Until then, JLaLa


	41. Chapter Thirty-Nine: 2013

Peeta’s last chapter—it’s been awesome writing from his perspective.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for her support as I toss chapter after chapter at her.

_“For so long in my life, I wouldn't let love inside_   
_But I swallowed my pride the day you arrived_   
_Now that you're by my side_   
_Everything is all right…”_

_-Jon B. ft. Babyface “Someone to Love” (1995)_

Again

Part Six, Chapter Thirty-Nine: 2013

**_Sunday, May 12, 2013_ **

_Napa, California_

The little hand reaches out to pat my face.

I grin at the curious eyes of the newest addition to our crew; Maggie looks up at me as she moves her palm across my scruffy cheek, her lips trying to form a smile.

I lean forward and inhale the smell of the little one.

“Adina smelled exactly the same way,” Katniss says as she sits next to me at the kitchen table. “Like baby powder and milk.”

“You doing okay over there?” Annie asks as she walks into the kitchen and begins heating water so she can warm Maggie’s bottle. “She’s not being too fussy, is she?”

“Nope, and I think I’m going to be her favorite uncle,” I reply as tickle her chin. Her mouth perks up again and I look up to find Katniss staring at me, something in her eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I was just remembering that I used to do the same thing to Adina when she was a baby,” she replies, her eyes far away. “Whenever I missed you, I would tickle her chin to see your smile.”

 Katniss’ cheeks darken at her admittance and I move closer to her on the bench.

 “Come here.” Leaning her face towards me, I meet Katniss halfway and kiss her softly.

“Not in front of my daughter!” We pull away as Finnick enters the kitchen. “You’re setting a bad example for my Maggie.” He walks towards us and carefully extracts her from my arms before sitting down next to me.

Finnick adjusts her blanket as he talks to her softly. “Uncle Peeta and Aunt Katniss are trying to get busy—you won’t have to worry about that until you’re forty. Isn’t that right, Maggie?”

“Hypocrite,” Katniss says giving him a mock glare. “I could fill a whole book with your bad deeds.”

“If you don’t say anything about my past, I won’t mention anything about you two to Adina.”

“I pretty much know everything,” Adina says as she enters the kitchen. Taking an apple from the bowl in the middle, our daughter takes a bite from it before sitting across from Katniss and me. “Auntie Prim and Auntie Jo-Jo have no filters, especially when they’re drunk.”

“We really need to be better examples for you,” I say to my daughter.

“We’ve been saying that for years.” I turn to see Johanna rushing into the kitchen along with Haymitch, who gives us a smile. “And it’s never happened—sorry we’re late.”

“What happened to you two?” Annie asks as she joins us at the table. I watch how seamlessly Finnick hands their daughter to her. It’s like they’ve been doing it for years.

“We were getting flowers for Mother’s Day, bitch!” Johanna reaches into the large satchel on her shoulder and hands a pink rose bouquet to Annie. Then she takes out another bouquet for Katniss—white tulips.

“So it takes two hours just to get flowers?” Katniss asks with a teasing light in her eyes as she toys with her bouquet.

Haymitch and Johanna turn bright red simultaneously.

“That’s so cute,” Finnick coos at them mockingly.

Johanna sputters before glaring at him. “Keep your nose out of our business, _Finnigan._ ”

Finnick turns to Haymitch. “You told her my full name!”

“She got it out of me!” Haymitch argues though he tries unsuccessfully to hold in his smirk.

“Was it before or after you fu—“

“That’s enough!” I put a hand on my friend’s shoulder. “Remember your daughter, and remember mine.” I nod my head over at Adina who is calmly eating her apple.

“Oh, go on,” Adina says as she takes another bite. She swallows and then looks over at Finnick. “But really, Uncle Finnick, it doesn’t take a scientist to figure out what your full name is.” She turns to Haymitch and Johanna. “Also, if you don’t want people to know what you are doing, then maybe you could put the buttons in the right buttons holes of your top, Auntie Jo-Jo.”

“Shit,” Johanna mutters before turning around and unbuttoning her top to fix the mistake.

Adina looks over at me and winks.

It looks like we have someone to replace me as the peacemaker of the group.

++++++

Later that evening, I find Katniss out on the back porch of the house. She is looking out at the grounds, her arms wrapped tightly around herself; I can tell that she has a lot on her mind.

I wrap my arms around her waist and she relaxes against me.

“Happy Mother’s Day,” I whisper into her ear. “I don’t think I got to greet you properly today.”

Katniss turns and gives me a soft smile. “I think you greeted me just fine this morning.” I grin remembering the smile on her face as I awoke her with my lips.

She looks out at the grounds again and I realize that there’s someone out there.

It is Adina and in her arms is Maggie, wrapped in soft lavender blanket. Our daughter is walking back and forth with the baby. I can faintly hear her singing before she leans down to give the baby a kiss.

“She would make a good big sister one day,” I say to Katniss.

“I know I love being a big sister,” she replies as she watches them sadly.

“Are you okay?” Katniss remains silent. “Is this about not being able to have a baby? Katniss, you know that doesn’t matter to me. There are other ways.” She meets my eyes, biting her lip as she does. “And I love you and Adina. I’m happy with you two – I’ve waited all my life to be here.”

“I know,” she replies in a pained voice. “I guess it will always bother me that I can’t have another baby, especially now that we’re finally together. But I don’t want you to feel like you and Adina aren’t enough because you are; you just have to understand that I get like this sometimes.”

“I do understand.” Katniss and I are both people with pasts. “I’m prone to my own dark days.” I tighten my hold gently on her waist. “But you know you will always have me, and you will always have her.”

We continue to watch Adina with Maggie and I feel Katniss begin to relax against me again.

“I was trying to get the courage to call my mother today,” she finally admits. “I don’t know why I would bother calling her though—it wasn’t like she was a real mother to me.”

“She didn’t act like one for a long time, but she will always be your mother,” I say. “No matter what happens between you two, there will always be that bond.”

“I know,” she mutters. “I guess I can send flowers to her new office or something.”

“That’s something,” I tell her. “I know it’s not easy, but I’m proud of you for trying.”

Katniss turns and wraps her hands around the back my neck, her deep eyes meeting mine. “Why are you so good to me?”

“The answer is simple—I love you.” I reach over and tug at that trademark braid of hers. “And you’re my girl—you’ll always be my girl.”

++++++

**_Tuesday, May 14, 2013 9:00AM_ **

_San Francisco, CA_

The vibration of my phone against the bedside table shakes me roughly out of my sleep.

“What the hell?” I reach over and look at the screen of my phone: _Five missed calls._

All from Clove.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Katniss mumbles as she sits up and rubs her tired eyes.

I turn and give kiss her forehead. “I’m fine. I just have to take this call. Go back to sleep.” She lays down, falling quickly back into her slumber.

Throwing on a sweater, I take my phone and go downstairs to the den. Quickly, I dial Clove’s number and she answers almost instantaneously.

“Peeta! Thank God!” Clove exclaims into the phone. “I’ve been trying to call you for hours!”

“Sorry, I was asleep,” I explain. “What’s going on?”

“The buyers are trying to back out,” she informs me gravely. “In fact, they are threatening to break their contract with us.”

I sit down on the couch. “What do you mean?”

“They want more, Peeta,” she tells me. “We negotiated that they would run the studio as a preview gallery of your work for a stipend. Now they want fifteen percent more and they want to feature some of their own work or else they are walking.”

“What the fuck?” I run a hand through my hair. “This is ridiculous. We’re already giving them a fair amount, though I wouldn’t mind giving some space—“

“No.” Clove sighs. “Peeta, I have a feeling that they wouldn’t preview your work at all. I started to get this feeling when I told them that I wouldn’t be business manager in a week. I speak very little French, but I understood enough of their backhand conversation to know that they plan to knock down a lot of the space and to take down your pieces as soon as I’m gone.”

“So what should I do?”

“As your assistant and business manager, I advise that you come back and formulate a tighter, more specific contract with these crooks, or break the contract, keep the space, and hire someone who’s actually passionate about photography and who will do your work justice,” she advises. “I would totally help, but I’m off to Paris in a week to start my new job.”

“I know.” I groan. “I guess there’s nothing to do but come back and work this out. Can you estimate how long this could take?”

“If you’re trying to renegotiate, then it could take some time before you both come to an agreement, especially if you have to hire a contracts lawyer,” she says. “If you’re trying to find the right person to run the gallery—it won’t be easy to find someone you can trust. I mean—you and I have known each other for years and grew the business together. It’s going to be hard to bring someone into that, so I can’t give you a good timeline for any of this.”

“Thanks for letting me know, Clove. I’m going to have to discuss this with Katniss and Adina,” I tell her. “I’ll probably have to fly out after Adina’s graduation.”

“Sorry, Peeta,” she says apologetically. “I wish I could do more.”

“I know, but you’ve done so much already,” I say to her. “It’s going to be a bitch replacing you.”

“Tell me about it,” Clove replies. “I think the most important thing is that you keep the space. I mean, this was Cinna’s old studio and his gift to you—his best friend and brother.”

++++++

“Are you okay, Dad?”

I look up from my coffee mug to see Adina and Katniss in the entryway of the kitchen.

“I’m fine,” I tell them tiredly.

Their eyes meet and they make their way over to sit on each side, Katniss to my left and Adina to my right.

“You can stop trying to look happy,” Katniss says and takes my hand. “We both know that you have something going on.”

“The negotiation for the studio has fallen through,” I tell my girls. “I’ll have to go back to New York to break the contract and likely hire someone to run the studio for me.”

“That can take months,” Katniss tells me softly. “There’s nothing you can do with buyers?”

“Clove is suspicious,” I take a sip from my mug before continuing. “Apparently, once they found out that she was leaving New York, they began making other plans for the studio.” I look at each of them. “It isn’t just about that, though—it was Cinna’s home and I just can’t let it fall into someone else’s hands.”

“I know.” Katniss kisses the side of my head. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too, Dad.” Adina places her hand over mine. “I’m going to be there in a few weeks, maybe I can help out?”

I shake my head. “Honey, you are going to Juilliard to study music and that’s what you’re going to do. I don’t want you to be distracted by anything else.”

“I have an idea,” Katniss suddenly says. “Why doesn’t Adina go with you after graduation? She’ll need to look for a place, and you can show her how to get around.”

“But what about you, Mom?”

“I’ll be fine,” she tells our daughter reassuringly. “I have my work and it’ll keep me busy.”

Adina looks over at me worriedly. I know she is having the same thought as I am.

What will happen to our family when we leave?

++++++

**_Wednesday, May 15, 2013_ **

_Lake Merced, San Francisco, CA_

“Mom’s already booked our tickets,” Adina tells me as we walk. It’s still morning, so other than a few joggers, it’s just my daughter and me by the foggy lake. “We’re leaving on Sunday afternoon.” She suddenly stops and turns to me, her grey eyes panicked. “I know I’m not the only one who is freaking out here!”

“I’m worried,” I admit. “She’s been really quiet and accepting about everything. It’s almost like—“

I stop and realize where we are. It’s the parking lot; the same one where Katniss broke up with me.

Adina looks around in realization. “Oh, Dad, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take us here and then talk about all of this.”

“How do you know about this place?” I ask softly.

“Uncle Thresh mentioned it once.”

“We made our peace with this place on Valentine’s Day,” I tell her. “But yes, truthfully—she’s acting a lot like she did before…”

“….Before she left you,” Adina finishes sadly. “She wouldn’t leave me, would she?”

I stop to look at our daughter. She’s practically an adult, but her eyes reflect her still youthful innocence.

Pulling her into my arms, I hold her tightly and kiss the top of her head. “Never ever would your mother abandon you! Because you, my love, are the best part of her life—the best part of our lives. No matter what happens to us, we will always be your parents and that is our number one priority.”

“I would rather that you were my parents together,” she says and I hear the tears in her voice. “I’ve waited so long to have you in my life and I see the way that you look at each other. What you two have is real.” Adina takes in a sharp breath. “Your parents are supposed to show you how love is, right? I don’t want this to ruin us—ruin me. I’m afraid; I don’t want to become cynical about being in love. I haven’t even had the chance to experience it yet.”

“I love your mother,” I tell her. “So much that it hurts to have to leave her.” Adina pulls away to look up at me and I reach forward to wipe the tears from her eyes.  I can’t lie to those eyes, my own eyes. “And I am deathly afraid that she might decide to call it quits one day after I’m gone, but that’s not going to change the kind of person you want to be. And it’s not going to change the fact that I’m your father and I always will be.”

“You promise?” She holds out her pinkie as she sniffs back another set of tears.

I hook my pinkie with hers. “I promise.”

“Just fight for her, Dad,” Adina implores. “Even if she tries to push you away—I think that she’s just as afraid about what’s going to happen as you are.”

“You know I will, kid,” I say and put an arm around her. “I don’t want you to worry, okay?” After wiping her eyes, she nods and gives me a brave smile. “Now tell me about this performance that you’re doing for graduation.”

++++++

Walking into the house later that day, I find it silent. ”KATNISS?”

“She went out,” Johanna says as she walks down the stairs. “I thought you went for a walk with Adina?”

“Her last class is in the afternoon so I dropped her off,” I reply. “I thought that you were staying in Napa this week?”

Johanna waves her hand lightly as her walks over to me. “Well, I just needed some privacy. I love Maggie, but that little girl can really let it out. It makes me wonder who she gets it from. Neither Finnick or Annie look like they are very loud during sex.”

I smirk. “She still has about 18 to 40 years to develop all of that.” I look at my phone to see if I got a text from Katniss.

I sit down on the couch and place my phone on the coffee table trying not to fidget; Johanna watches restlessly from where she stands.

I look over at her.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” She sits down as she tightens the strings of her wraparound sweater. “What’s up?”

“Do you have any idea of what’s going on in Katniss’ head?”

She laughs uneasily. “That’s a loaded question, Peeta.” Johanna peers at me. “Why are you asking?”

“Katniss has been acting strangely,” I explain. “She doesn’t seem to be at all upset about me leaving for New York. It’s really bothering Adina and honestly, it’s bothering me, too.”

Johanna clasps her hands as she watches me. “You think it’s like last time, right?”

I meet her eyes. “I do.”

“Then you don’t really know her,” Johanna says to me. “She’s never been as happy as she is when she’s with you. Why would she give that up?”

“I don’t know.” I put my face in my hands. “I’m scared. I don’t want to lose her.” I meet her eyes.

“Trust that Katniss will only do what is best for all of you,” she tells me softly. “You’re in love with her, right?”

“I want to spend the rest of my life with her.” I turn to her. “If she asked me to stay, to give up the studio—I would do it in a heartbeat.”

“But she won’t.” Johanna squeezes my shoulder. “That isn’t her way.”

We go quiet for a moment, each of us deep in our own thoughts.

“Do you think it was hard for Haymitch to just up and leave his life for you?” I suddenly ask.

She sits back quietly, her dark eyes thoughtful. “I could only imagine that it was. “ She smiles softly to herself. “I just hope that he thinks that I’m worth it.”

“He’s different,” I tell her seriously. “This isn’t anything like Gale—not by a long shot.”

Johanna blushes at my words. “I know.” She presses her hand to her chest. “I can feel it right here, all the way down to my bones.”

She says these words so softly that I don’t think she even realizes that she’s saying them out loud.

“Have you told him that?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t think he would believe me if I did.”

I smile at her. “We should ask him, don’t you think?” I cup my hands and put them over my mouth. “HAYMITCH, YOU CAN COME DOWN NOW!”

Johanna’s eyes widen before she lets out a laugh. “How did you know?”

Haymitch walks down the stairs, hands in his jean pockets, and gives me a shameless smile. “Hey, Peeta.”

He sits down next to Johanna and puts an arm around her before kissing her temple. She looks up at him, placing a hand softly on his chest as their eyes meet.

I see the spark, the fire between them, and hidden deep inside all of this—love.

The connection between them is undeniable. It’s just like the one I have with Katniss.

I’ve made my decision.

“So how did you know, Peeta?” Johanna asks me again.

I give her a smile. “How could I not know?”

I stand up to go to the kitchen, but before I do I turn to them once more.

“Plus, I saw Haymitch’s truck about two blocks from the house.”

++++++

**_Thursday, May 16, 2013 8:00PM_ **

“There isn’t anything to discuss, Adina!”

I look up from the contract that I’m reviewing when I hear Katniss’ exasperated shout outside our bedroom. It’s the first time I’ve heard her talk this loud since she found out about the whole New York situation.

Katniss rushes into our room with Adina running after her.

“Don’t hide from me, Mom! Why can’t you just come with us? You’ve taken time off work before—why can’t you now?”

Katniss whips around, her long hair flying with her as she turns to our daughter.

“I told you this already, it is a very crucial time for me at work,” she argues firmly. “I can’t just up and leave.”

Adina turns to me. “Dad, tell her to go with us,” she pleads, tears filling her eyes. “Please.”

I feel the anger rising in me seeing Adina so anguished.

As much as I’ve tried to assure her that all would be okay, her anxiety about Katniss hasn’t ebbed. It also doesn’t help that Katniss seems almost too cool for comfort about this.

She’s bought our daughter new luggage, booked us first class tickets, and has even called some realtors to take us around Manhattan to look over apartments. She has really put a lot of work into making sure that we are comfortable during our trip.

However, these actions hurt; they seem so perfunctory. Adina can sense that Katniss is drifting away from us and it’s killing her inside. The pain of losing her mother would be too much for Adina.

I place the contracts back into my briefcase before I look at them.

Katniss’ eyes are emotionless while Adina is on the verge of tears; I feel something in me begin to build.

“Adina, go to your room—I have something to discuss with your mother.” Our daughter nods before turning to walk out, closing the door behind her as she does.

Katniss looks at me before her hand reaches out. “Peeta—“

“It is one thing to ignore the situation, to act like everything’s okay.  I’ll even accept this behavior towards me.” I meet her eyes, suddenly filled with pain. “But to act like this towards Adina is unacceptable. You are her mother, Katniss—for better or worse, and it is killing her to see you acting like you won’t miss her. Like you won’t miss our family. You, of all people, should know how it feels—your own mother did the same thing.”

I see her pale at the realization but then she suddenly looks at me, eyes firm.

“It’s not like that, Peeta—not by a long-shot,” Katniss says. Her words sound familiar. “You’re putting words in my mouth!”

“SOMEONE HAS TO!” I suddenly shout. “You haven’t said a word about how much you’re going to miss her! Or us!” I put my hands on her shoulders so I can look into her eyes. “Tell me! Tell me what I have to do to make everything okay between us.”

She turns away, pinching the bridge of her nose as her eyes close.  I sigh before going on. “I’ve already talked to Clove about just settling with these individuals in New York. They can have the studio if they want it.”

She suddenly turns to me, her eyes panicked as she puts her hand on my shoulder.

It’s the first time she’s touched me since all of this began.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I love you, and I love our family,” I reply brokenly. “Everything I’ve ever done was to make myself worthy of you—and if I lose you, it’s all worthless anyway. I am nothing without you or our family.” I sit down on the bed wearily trying to quell my tears. “Tell me, Katniss. What’s going to happen when I go to New York? Am I at least going to get a phone call when you decide not to be with me anymore?”

“Is this what it’s come to?” she asks softly and I see the tears starting to form in her grey eyes.

“This is what you made it,” I reply simply. “Whatever you’re planning, I hope it doesn’t include any plans to hurt Adina. I won’t stand for that, and I’ll fight for her, Katniss, so help me—even if it’s against you.”  She falters at my words. “Now tell me—is this week going to be my last week with you?”

“Peeta—” She looks at me, her mouth opening in an attempt to try and form the words.

After a moment, Katniss turns and rushes into our bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

 

I know this is a horrible way to end this chapter and it’s probably one of my shorter chapters. Just trust me, okay?

I hope the next chapter is posted right after this one. If it is, then click on and continue reading. If not, then feel free to yell at me. In a way, I probably deserve it for putting you through this.

Poor Adina… I really hate doing this to her, but please believe in the ultimate plan of things. You know what the endgame is.

Angry yells, comments, and reviews are always welcome on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Next: Katniss 2013, Adina’s graduation, and the last formal chapter of “Again”.

Until then, JLaLa

 

 


	42. Chapter Forty: 2013

The last chapter—it’s been a pleasure.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

Thank you to Chelzie, my beta, for working hard and being my guidepost throughout this fic.

_No one told me I was going to find you_   
_Unexpected, what you did to my heart_   
_When I lost hope, you were there to remind me_   
_This is the start…_

_-Richard Marx ft. Donna Lewis “At the Beginning” (1997)_

Again

Part Six, Chapter Forty: 2013

**_Friday, May 17, 2013 8:00AM_ **

“Are you sure about this?” Johanna sits next to me, a coffee mug in her hand. She looks over at me worriedly as she places the cup on the table in front of us. “This is a lot to take on.”

“It will all work out in the end,” I tell her firmly, my eyes staring out the window. Outside, the early morning sky slowly begins to fill with light. “It has to.”

I really hope that it does.

I look at my phone screen where the e-mail that I received just this morning is on display. It contains a simple, one word message: ‘ _DONE’_.

“Katniss.” I turn to Johanna, my best friend and right now, the only one on my team. “You have to make up with Adina. She’s really upset and scared.” Her eyes gaze at me sadly and she takes my hand. “You, of all people, should remember how it feels to be caught so unaware.”

Her words bear a striking resemblance to Peeta’s words from last night.

_“You are her mother, Katniss—for better or worse, and it is killing her to see you acting like you won’t miss her. Like you won’t miss our family. You, of all people, should know how it feels—your own mother did the same thing.”_

“I don’t want her to leave without understanding,” I admit quietly. “But what if it’s too late?”

Johanna shakes her head. “No matter how angry she is—Adina loves you. And Peeta loves you, too. They will forgive you.”

“You sure?”

“Not really,” my best friend admits. “You just have to trust in yourself and your family.”

I give Johanna’s hand a squeeze. “Thanks,” I tell her. “For everything.”

“You’re welcome,” she replies. “It’s always been the two of us, you know? But I know it can’t be this way forever.”

“I know,” I tell her and my eyes drift upstairs. I look over at her. “Don’t you think that Haymitch is lonely up there?”

Her cheeks color though her eyes look at me calmly. “How did you know?”

I look at her, grinning before sticking my tongue out at her. “You just told me.”

“Damn,” she mutters. “Should’ve caught that—getting slow in my old age.”

“I know you better than you know yourself,” I reply. “You haven’t really slept with him either.”

She shakes her head, her eyes not meeting mine, and takes a sip from her cup.

“I’m scared, Katniss. I just want that first time to be perfect.”

“Because you’re in love with him.”

She doesn’t answer.

She doesn’t need to.

++++++

Quietly, I walk into Adina’s room and close the door behind me. She is fast asleep, her light snores the only sound in the room as I walk soundlessly towards her.

Sitting down on the bed, I watch her sleep and my hand reaches to smooth her hair which flows down to her shoulder. Has it always been this long? And when did she get the smatter of freckles along her cheeks? When did the baby-fat melt away and expose the graceful, womanly lines of her face?

“Mommy?” I pull myself out of my thoughts to see her grey eyes gazing up at me sleepily. “What are you doing here?”

I smile softly at her. “I just wanted to say hello,” I reply quietly.  Slowly, she starts to fully wake, her eyes recollecting the pain of our last conversation. My heart clenches at seeing her hurt expression. “Adina, I’m so sorry. I never meant to act that way last night, baby.”

Adina sits up slowly, her eyes boring into mine. “I’m afraid that you’ll drift away from us,” Adina tells me. “I can’t go to New York feeling like this.”

“Sweetheart, I promise that your leaving isn’t going to change anything between us.” I pull her into my arms, and her head rests against my chest. “I’m always going to be your mother and you’re always going to be my daughter. Adina, you’re what keeps me going. You’re the best part of me. Never forget that.”

“I’m scared to leave,” she admits, her eyes roaming the half-packed room. “It’s like I’m leaving my childhood—like I’m going to have to get rid of all my stuffed animals, pack away my silly manga books that I used to read, and become someone else.”

“You stay who you are.” I kiss the top of her head. “Wherever you go, don’t let your experiences turn you into a cynic. Learn and grow from them, but don’t let them become you.”

“Any other advice?” she asks me quietly.

“Always smile.” The tears fall steadily from my face. “Because your smile is the best part of you—you and that smile have given me the greatest joy that I’ve ever known.”

Being her mother is my greatest joy.

And as much as I hate to see her go, I know that she will do nothing but make me proud.

“Go back to sleep, “ I tell her and she lies back down as I adjust her blankets to tuck her back in. “I’ll wake you up later, Miss Graduate.”

She nods and her eyes close. Getting up, I go to the door and open it gently so as not to bother her.

“Mom?”

I turn to see Adina’s face turned to me, her head still on her pillow, and her eyes glittering with tears. “I love you.”

I suck in a sharp breath and bite my tears back. “I love you, too.”

Her eyes close again and I walk out, quietly closing the door behind me. Leaning back against her door, I press my palms against the wood as my head drops. The thought of her leaving fills me with an overwhelming emptiness. It shakes me to the core and my shoulders quake with quiet sobs.

I take a deep breath to calm myself and prepare to enter the coldness of my bedroom. Peeta and I went to bed angry and I’m sure he will wake up that way.

However, when I look up, I find him watching me from the open doorway of our bedroom. His own blue eyes are filled with pain and I ready myself for his anger.

Instead, he holds his arms out to me—and damn if I don’t go rushing into them.

“Let’s not be angry with each other,” he tells me, his voice quiet with anguish. “Not today and not tomorrow—because for now, this is all we have.”

“Okay,” I agree as Peeta leads me back into our room.

I’m too tired to assure myself that everything will work out in the end.

++++++

**_11:00AM_ **

“Let me just put a little more blush on your cheeks,” Annie tells my daughter as they sit together in front of her vanity mirror. “It will look better in the pictures.”

On the bed, Maggie sleeps soundly in her car seat with Johanna beside her as I finish steaming Adina’s gold graduation gown.

I sigh looking at it—I really can’t believe that she’s graduating from high school today.

Adina looks over at me worriedly. “You okay, Mom?”

I give her a smile. “I’m just getting a little sentimental. I can still remember your first day of school like it was yesterday and now here we are.”

“Yeah, but in Kindergarten, she wasn’t being made up to look like a trollop,” Johanna say. “Easy on the blush, Annie! She’s graduating, not standing on a street corner!”

“Oh, hush you!” Annie looks over at my friend. “You’re the one who wore practically nothing under her graduation gown.”

“A leather skirt counts as something,” Johanna retorts.

“Not when it almost reaches your lady bits.”

“It was nothing compared to what Katniss had under her graduation gown.” Johanna gives me a grin.

My daughter smiles at me as Annie begins to curl the ends of her dark hair. “What were you wearing under your gown?”

“You,” Johanna responds. She walks over to Adina and gives her a kiss on the cheek. She looks at Adina’s reflection in the mirror and I can see her eyes water. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you, Auntie Jo-Jo,” Adina says softly. “Thanks for being here, too.”

“Of course, sweetheart.” Johanna straightens up suddenly and wipes her eyes. “I’m getting blubbery! What’s wrong with me?”

“Pregnant?” Annie quips with a teasing smile.

“That’s impossible.” Johanna suddenly freezes, realizing her mistake and her eyes go wide. “I mean—“

Annie puts down the curling iron on Adina’s vanity as she looks at Johanna with a soft smile.

“You really haven’t, have you?” My best friend looks away. “Oh, Johanna, you really do care—“

“Let’s not talk about this anymore!” There is a knock on the door. “Thank God!” Johanna rushes to open it, revealing Peeta on the other side.

“Can I come in?” he asks shyly. “Or is this a girly thing?”

“Nope! In fact, I was actually just leaving because I have to get ready for this young lady’s graduation,” Johanna says as she lets him in.

“I’m actually done with her hair, too,” Annie adds as she unplugs the curling iron. “And I should pump before the ceremony.” She goes to the bed and grabs the handle of Maggie’s car seat. “Did anyone get an ETA on Gale and Madge’s arrival? They were supposed to be at our place this morning.”

“Madge texted me this morning,” Johanna informs us. ”They ran into some traffic on the way down but they’ll meet us at the stadium.”

“So you’re talking to Madge now?” Annie says as she joins Johanna at the doorway.  My best friend rolls her eyes as she walks out of the room with Annie following her. “What else are you not telling me?”

Peeta closes the door after they’re gone and gives us a smile. “Those two are crazy.”

“We’re all a little crazy.” Peeta meets my eyes and I feel my pulse quicken. We made up quietly this morning, falling asleep in one another’s arms until it was time for me to wake Adina up.

For now, there is peace. It’s the way we want it to be.

There has been too much turmoil and after all, this is Adina’s day.

It’s the true testament to the growth in our relationship—to accept that it is what it is.

“I wanted to give you something,” Peeta says and reaches into his pocket to pull out a black velvet box. “Your grandfather brought it for you.” Peeta’s dad arrived this morning from San Diego and is enjoying brunch with my father and Portia before the ceremony.

Lifting the lid, Peeta reveals a round-shaped gold locket with a pearl encrusted in the middle.

“This belonged to your grandmother.”

He takes it out and unclasps it while I lift Adina’s dark locks to reveal her slender neck. I watch in the mirror as he places the locket around her neck and clasps it.

He meets her eyes in the mirror and she smiles brightly. “And now it’s yours.”

Her hand reaches to touch the locket. “Thanks, Dad, it’s beautiful.”

“I love you,” he says, his voice rough with tears. “My one and only.”

I watch them from where I am, afraid to break the beauty of this moment. Adina suddenly reaches for my hand as she stands up slowly. She takes Peeta’s hand as she moves between us.

“I wanted to say, before we get too busy, that I love you both.” She looks at each of us while she bites her lip nervously. “You’re the best parents that a girl could ask for, and I just want to make you proud.”

“As long you do whatever makes you happy,” I say in a tight voice. “Then you will always make us proud.”

Peeta and I look at one another, a single thought between us; everything we’ve been through was worth it—because we have her.

Together, we take her in-between us and cocoon her into a hug, knowing that eventually we will have to let go.

++++++

**_1:00PM_ **

_Kezar Stadium, San Francisco, CA_

“Where are they?” Finnick asks impatiently as we all stand by the bleachers of the stadium. “Those two are really cutting it close.”

“The ceremony seems to be running a little late anyway,” I say to my friend. “Gale and Madge will be here.”

“Knowing Gale, he will run here carrying Madge just to make it on time,” Thresh says with a grin.

We all chuckle at the image and I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders.

Turning, I meet Peeta’s eyes and squeeze his hand. “Everything okay?”

“I just handed Dad my camera equipment.” I look up at the bleachers and see Tom along with Dad and Portia. Behind them are Prim and Rory—along with my mother. I take a deep breath at seeing her. We’ve had very minimal contact since the fight. “I took a few shots of Adina in line.”

“How’s she doing?” I ask.

“Nervous, but happy.” He looks around and everyone follows his gaze as they remember their own memories of this place.

“This is trippy,” Johanna says. “We graduated here—like a thousand years ago.”

“Totally weird,” Annie adds. “And here we are again—except this time, none of us are pregnant.”

“I remember your graduation,” Haymitch says, his arm wrapped around Johanna’s waist. “It was an interesting one.”

“I’ll bet,” Johanna says as she looks up at him with a grin. “Didn’t you hand me my diploma?”

“KATNISS! PEETA!”

We all turn to see Madge and Gale running towards us. Gale is struggling to pull on his blazer as Madge holds her heels in one hand, on her feet are a pair of flip-flops.

“Thank God we made it!” Gale says as they reach us.

“I was going to kill Gale if we missed Adina’s walk.” She struggles to pull on her heels as Gale kneels down to take off her flip-flops. Madge hands him the heels and he helps her put them on quickly.

Straightening themselves, Gale and Madge greet everyone.

When Gale reaches me, he pulls me into a warm hug and meets my eyes. “You ready for this?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for this,” I reply with a laugh.

“I know how you feel.” He turns me towards Madge, who is talking to Johanna and Haymitch excitedly. “Notice anything?”

I watch Madge talk and ever so discreetly, her hand moves protectively to her abdomen. Then I see it— the slight swell under the wide skirt of her yellow dress.

“YOU’RE PREGNANT!”

Everyone turns to look at me and Madge covers her laugh with her hand as she nods excitedly.

“Way to ruin the surprise, Katniss!” Johanna shouts.

I look at my friend. “You knew?”

“Someone needed to help her through the morning sickness.” Johanna looks over at Madge. “Hopefully the trip wasn’t too bad?”

Madge shakes her head. “Thanks for covering for me—I have to pee like every five minutes. That’s why we took so long.”

Everyone offers their congratulations as hugs and handshakes are given to the glowing couple. I watch the two and it’s almost strange to think that once upon a time, they were on the brink of falling apart.

All of us make our way up the stairs of the bleachers and Annie suddenly lets out a chuckle.

“Guess I was wrong,” she says as we all sit down. “Someone is pregnant on graduation day.”

++++++

“Adina is up next,” Thresh announces excitedly as he gets his camera out, trying to spot Adina in a sea of navy blue and gold He looks over at Peeta and I. “You aren’t going to cry, are you?”

“Come on, Thresh,” Peeta says to him. “We can handle this.”

“Yeah, we’re not going to embarrass Adina by being those sappy, crybaby parents,” I add.

“No crying everyone!” Johanna warns all of us. “Let’s give our girl some dignity.”

Everyone nods in agreement.

“I am happy to introduce this next student,” Adina’s principal, Mr. Jacobs, begins. “She is secretary of the student council, head pianist of the school orchestra and president of the Culture Club. Not to mention, she is in the top ten percentile of the school and will be attending Juilliard in the fall to study music. We are all very proud of her. Students, faculty and guests, I present to you—Adina Everdeen-Mellark!”

Adina, who is in the second row of students, stands and walks over to her principal. After shaking hands with him, she sits down at the piano, adjacent to the podium and close to the orchestra.

“Good afternoon, everyone,” Adina says into the microphone placed above the piano keys. “This song is not necessarily a graduation song, but it holds a sentimental place in my heart.” Her eyes suddenly search the crowd until she finds our group and she grins widely. “This is dedicated to Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen, my parents and my best friends.”

“Not crying,” I tell Peeta as he takes my hand.

“Not crying,” he agrees though I can hear the tremble in his voice.

Adina places her hands on the keys and starts to play the slow ballad. Her mouth goes to the mic and I can feel my eyes sting as she begins to sing.

_“Whenever I sang my songs_   
_on the stage, on my own_   
_Whenever I said my words_   
_wishing they would be heard_   
_I saw you smiling at me_   
_Was it real or just my fantasy?”_

“Still not crying,” Johanna says, though she sniffles after she makes her pronouncement.

Adina’s face shows no fear as she sings, her hands playing seamlessly across the keys. Her eyes are closed as she immerses herself in the song.

_“So let me come to you_   
_Close as I wanted to be_   
_Close enough for me_   
_To feel your heart beating fast_   
_And stay there as I whisper_   
_How I loved your peaceful eyes on me…”_

“Trying to hold it in,” Thresh says as he hastily wipes his eyes. Teddy offers him a handkerchief and my friend blows his nose loudly.

“Falling apart—“ Johanna’s voice cracks and Haymitch puts an arm around her as he looks down, hiding his own face.

“Blubbering,” Finnick says.

Annie is already sobbing along with Madge.

“Be strong!” Peeta suddenly says, though I see the tears threatening to spill forth.

“Fuck you guys!” Gale suddenly bursts out and we all turn to look at him. “I’m crying!” His face is completely soaked. “YOU ARE ALL HEARTLESS!” Madge wipes his eyes and puts her head on his shoulder, joining in his crying jag.

_“Darling, so share with me_   
_Your love if you have enough_   
_Your tears if you're holding back_   
_Or pain if that's what it is…”_

His words break the spell. Soon our group, along with our parents and Prim and Rory, are in tears.

_“How can I let you know? I'm more than the dress and the voice…”_

My sobs hit me hard—so hard that I can barely breathe. This is happening. My daughter is all grown up and leaving me in two days.

The thought of this leaves me broken.

A pair of arms suddenly wraps around me and the smell of freesia tickles my nose. I feel myself calming and my sobs slow down.

When I look up, my eyes meet my mother’s, and she thumbs under my eyes to wipe the tears away.

She gives me a soft smile, her own eyes damp. “I’m always going to be here when you need me, Katniss—whether or not you want me.”

I let my face fall back against her shoulder as I continue to cry and feel her arms, strong and steady, tighten around my waist.

++++++

“Don’t worry about a thing, Katniss,” my mother says to me over the phone, later that night. “I’ll take care of it. Just enjoy this moment.”

“I will,” I reply softly. “Thanks, Mom.”

“Thank you for letting me be part of Adina’s day. I’m always going to cherish it—seeing my first grandkid walking a graduation stage.”

“Remember, Prim is getting married,” I reply with a laugh. “And she loves children. I predict you’re going to have more than enough graduations to attend.” Peeta enters our room, his hair damp from his shower, and he gives me a smile. “We’re going to head to bed now. It’s been a crazy day.”

“I can only imagine,” Mom chuckles into the phone. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, Mom.” After hanging up, I place my phone on my bedside table. I turn to see Peeta grinning at me. “What?”

“It looks like you and your Mom have made up,” he remarks as he pulls back the comforter.

“I guess I can’t do anything but let it happen,” I say. “I’ve spent so much of my life planning things that I never feel what’s happening in the present.” I sit on the bed. “I don’t know what’s going to happen between my mother and me tomorrow or the day after that, but I just have let myself live in the moment, I guess.”

“Interesting outlook,” he replies as he joins me in bed. “Maybe I should do the same.”

“It definitely helps.” I lay against the soft backboard and Peeta follows suit.

We go silent for a moment.

“Katniss?” Peeta turns to me. “Can I kiss you?” He gives me a bashful smile. “Being in the moment and all?”

I turn, looking into those beautiful blue eyes and his hand reaches to cup my jaw, his thumb brushing my cheek as he leans towards me. His lips press against mine softly, his lips barely catching my bottom one. The slightest taste leaves me aching and his arm wraps around my waist to pull me against him as he kisses me again.

The next kiss is firmer, and I groan as I move against him, my nipples brushing his chest. A moan escapes from him and my tongue enters his warm, wet mouth, coaxing his into submission.

No words are needed as we pull away from one another and hurriedly remove our clothes. I lay back against our mattress after I’m completely undressed and watch his wonderfully sculpted form crawl towards me.

I’m entranced by him, his indigo eyes and his gentle smile, as his eyes meet mine. My hand reaches to touch his forearm, savoring the heat of his skin against mine and I turn my head to where his hand balances on the mattress.

Then I am pressing my mouth against his wrist, feeling his pulse against my lips. When I meet his eyes, I can see them laced with that same hunger that I feel within me. Peeta leans down and kisses me again as my legs part to draw him to me.

Slowly, he presses his body against mine and I arch, letting him enter me inch by inch until he is fully sheathed inside my wetness.

We stare into each other’s eyes, foreheads pressed together, and breaths intermingling as we begin to make love. There is no rush to be move because we both know that this might be the closest that we will ever be for a while.

Our eyes never leave one another; even when we kiss, our eyes remained fixated on one another. I think he is afraid that if he closes his eyes, he will open them and find me gone.

I reach up to touch his cheek and see his resolve waver at my touch.

“I love you,” I whisper and his body quickens against mine, our hearts beating against one another’s. I look up at him reassuringly. “I’m here.” I can feel his body begin to quake with his impending climax as my own walls begins to tighten. “I’m real.”

“Katniss…” His eyes close as his kisses me and he pushes into once…twice, before he cries out softly.

My body, tight with pleasure, suddenly falls apart helplessly and my mouth presses against his ear whispering his name over and over.  After a moment, Peeta falls against me and I move my hand gently up and down his back as he shivers, his nerve-endings sensitive to my touch.

Peeta gently moves off of me, and I turn to spoon against him. His arm drapes against my collarbone to pull me closer against him.

“I love you,” he murmurs as exhaustion takes over.

I kiss the arm that holds me close to me in response.

“Was this my goodbye?” Peeta suddenly asks, his voice thick in tiredness.

He doesn’t wait for my answer, falling asleep quickly, and never hearing my response.

“No,” I say into the silent air, my own eyes becoming heavy with sleep. “It isn’t.”

++++++

**_Saturday, May 18, 2013 6:30PM_ **

“So you never told us how all of that happened?” Annie asks Madge, who caresses her belly gently.

The three of us sit in the backyard, under the umbrella of our round picnic table, as we watch Thresh and Gale argue over how to start the barbeque grill.  Further out into the yard, Finnick walks back and forth, singing softly to Maggie, who is cradled in-between his strong arms.

“I was pretty sure that you were going to rip Gale a new one the last time we saw you two,” I add as I pour a glass of water for the expectant mother.

“I pretty much did,” Madge replies. “That first month back was the hardest—I could barely look at him.” Her blue eyes fill with sad recollection. “I forgave him, but I was still so angry. I wasn’t sure that I would ever let him back in our room.”

Annie squeezes her hand. “What changed?”

“He did,” Madge replies. “Gale took everything I gave him and I saw him slowly change. I saw him try and it surprised me because I was just so used to him giving in to everything. He started fighting for me again. Do you know that every night, he would come into our room and tell me that he loved me?”

“That so sweet,” Annie gushes.

“We both forgot how to make a marriage work and we had to learn to put us back together again. I guess somewhere along the way, our priorities got skewed. We forgot that in the end, it all comes down to love,” Madge says and her hand reaches once more for her belly. “Then when I realized I was pregnant, it got even crazier.”

“When did it change?” I ask her.

“One night I woke up to him talking to my belly,” she tells me. “He told our daughter that I had always made him feel safe and loved. He said he wanted to do the same for her—make her feel that safe—and my heart just couldn’t deny him anymore.”

I smile and take her other hand as we fall into a contented silence. It’s welcoming to see everyone happy for once. We’ve all been through so much.

In the end, however, we’ve all come back together, stronger than ever.

My phone beeps and I stand up in excitement seeing the message on my phone.

“Excuse me, ladies. It’s my Mom, I have to respond to this,” I tell the two and they nod before going falling back into their conversation.

Entering the house, I quickly answer my Mom’s text and then lock my phone.

The sound of piano playing fills my ears and curiously, I follow it.

The tune doesn’t sound like anything that Adina has played before.

I turn the corner to go into the living room but suddenly stop. It’s not Adina who’s playing.

It’s Haymitch who is playing my daughter’s piano so beautifully. Beside him sits Johanna, whose eyes are closed contently as she listens to his playing.

He turns to her, his hands moving flawlessly over the keys as he presses his forehead against hers, his own eyes closing as he reaches the crescendo.

“I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.”

I turn and find Peeta standing behind me, a soft smile on his face. “What?”

“That’s the lyric that goes with this part of the song,” he replies softly. ”’I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.’ Who knew that Haymitch was such a romantic?”

“Maybe he never was until her,” I reply in a hushed voice. “Where’s Adina?”

“She upstairs packing—for tomorrow.”

I bite my lip, assuring myself for the millionth time that I’m doing the right thing.

“Peeta, maybe we should talk about you leaving—“

“No,” he says suddenly. “I don’t think I can take a goodbye from you.” Peeta reaches for me. “Not now—I don’t want to leave this place upset. I’m going to come back, Katniss, no matter what happens between us. This is our home; this is where we became a family, and there is no way in hell that I’m giving you up.”

I look into his eyes and after a moment, I finally nod in acceptance.

He wraps his arms around my waist and my head falls against his shoulder as we dance to the achingly beautiful music.

++++++

**_Sunday, May 19, 2013 12:30PM_ **

_San Francisco International Airport_

The three of us walk silently through the airport. Peeta is on my left and Adina to my right, her hand gripping mine tightly as we navigate the crowd.

“You have your ID?” I ask her.

She looks over at me and nods quickly, her mouth tight with nervousness. My own stomach is in knots as we get closer to the TSA inspection counters.

“Mom, I don’t think this is a very good idea,” Adina says suddenly. She stops and turns to me. “I can’t leave.”

“Because of me?” I ask and she nods. I kiss the top of her head as I pull her into my arms. “I’m going to be fine, sweetheart. New York is only a five-hour flight and if you really need me, then I’ll be there in a heartbeat. You’re just nervous because this is something new. New things can be scary, but they can be wonderful, too.”

I look over at Peeta, who watches us sadly, and give him a smile. “You’re going to be okay, too.”

“New York feels awfully far away at the moment,” he says softly. Peeta pulls me close and presses his lips to my forehead. “I’m counting the days until I come back to you.”

We fall back into silence as we walk and it seems all too soon when we find ourselves at the security checkpoint.

I feel myself trembling but steel myself so I can give them a smile. “This is my stop.”

They both freeze as they turn to me. I bite my lip to stop my tears.

I will be with them sooner than they think.

Adina drops her bags and she rushes to me. “Mom?” The tears fall from her eyes steadily. “Can I call anytime I want?”

I pull her to me, inhaling her sweet scent—the same scent that she has carried since she was a baby.

“Of course,” I tell her. “I will answer no matter what—I promise.” Adina nods as she pulls away and gives me a brave smile. “That’s my girl.”

“Katniss.” I turn to Peeta and we reach for one another quickly, our lips meeting as we do, and I taste his tears. He pulls away and searches my eyes. “Please don’t let this be goodbye.”

“Do you trust me?”

 “Always.”

“Then we will be okay,” I assure him. “Now go on—you have to show our daughter the ropes in New York.”

“We love you,” he says as Adina gives me a watery smile. Together, they walk toward the checkpoint.

As I watch them walk away, the events of the past week rush through my mind.

_Listening to Peeta tell Adina and I about having to go back to New York…_

_My late night e-mail to Delly…_

_Johanna asking me if I’m sure about my decision…_

_My mother listening intently to my plans…_

_Clove’s one word e-mail: ‘DONE.’…_

Decision made, my feet are already carrying me towards them. “PEETA! ADINA!”

They turn quickly, only a few feet away from the checkpoint, confusion on their faces as they see me rushing forward.

I stop in front of them, breathless with anxiety. “Can I come with you?”

Adina places her bag down next to her, her eyes wide. “What are you talking about, Mom?”

“Take me with you,” I tell them as words begin to rush out of my mouth. “I was going to make sure that Delly had found a replacement first and that the house papers were all set, but fuck it!” Adina giggles at my curse. “I’m not letting you go.” I meet Peeta’s eyes. “Neither of you.”

“I don’t understand,” he says.

“I let you go once, thinking that it was for the best,” I tell him. ”And we paid dearly for that mistake, but we’re the lucky ones, Peeta. Because we’re back at the beginning, and we have a chance to do it all over again.” I smile at him hopefully. “We always talked about walking around Times Square and living in a penthouse, right? Here is our chance, if you want to—if you want me.”

Peeta places his bag down in disbelief over my words. “And your job?”

“I quit,” I reply quickly. “The day you told me about New York—I wrote my official resignation letter and then sold my share of the company to Delly. She wanted me to wait until I found someone to take my place, but she will just have to deal with it. For once, I’m following my heart and doing something that will make me happy.”

“And the house?” Adina asks.

“Your grandmother is going to buy it from me,” I reply. “I asked her to help me sell it, but she wanted to keep it in the family so we would have somewhere to stay when we visit.”

Adina is beaming, but I turn to see Peeta watching me, concern still in his eyes.

I go to him. “Everything I’ve ever done was to make myself worthy of both of you,” I say, repeating his own words as I look into his eyes. “The job? The house? Without you or Adina, it’s all worthless. I’m nothing without the two of you.”

His hand reaches to cup my face. “Are you sure?” he asks in a shaky voice.

I go to his camera bag set on the ground and pull out the envelope that I tucked into its pocket last night.

“I was going to wait for you to find this.” I tear the envelope open and pull out the copy of the signed lease. “As of yesterday, I own your studio. I wired Clove an obscene amount of money so she could pay off those crooks and break their contract. Mom gave the money for the studio’s lease with her down payment.”

Peeta looks over the lease and when he meets my eyes, his are filled with tears. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“This studio is your dream, and it was Cinna’s home—you’ve given up so much for Adina and I. Let me do the same. Whenever you are will be my home—all you have to do is say yes.”

I meet his eyes steadily. “So I’m asking you again, Peeta Mellark—can I come with you?”

He looks over at Adina, who is practically jumping up and down. “What do you think, kid?”

Our daughter can only nod in excitement.

Peeta turns to me, his eyes shining. “Okay,” he says. “You can come.” He looks over at Adina. “Do you mind delaying our trip so we can get your crazy mother a ticket?”

She shakes her head quickly, grinning from ear to ear. “Not one bit.”

He turns back to me and takes my hand. “I have one stipulation before we go.”

“Name it.”

Peeta reaches into his pocket and pulls out a red velvet box. Behind him, I can hear Adina’s excited scream.

People passing turn to stare at us, but I could care less as I watch Peeta open the box.

The ring, created by Cinna, sparkles as he takes it out.

“You have to wear this ring,” Peeta tells me as he slips it onto my left ring finger, his bright smile reflecting my own. “And never ever take it off.”

* * *

 

That Katniss—she is one sneaky lady, but I can’t help but love her.

The endgame, like I said, will always be Everlark. I’m sorry if I made you suffer at any point of this story, but I hope the pain was worth it.

Notes:

Kezar Stadium is an actual stadium here in San Francisco and is close to Golden Gate Park.

There is a slight bit that is reminiscent of one of my favorite shows. Let me know if you catch it.

The song that Adina sings is called “Eyes on Me” and is from the Final Fantasy VIII soundtrack.  The version I used is sung by Angela Aki.

The song that Haymitch plays for Johanna is called “The Luckiest” and is sung by Ben Folds. It is seriously one of the most beautiful love songs I’ve ever heard and is very special to me.

The ring that Peeta gives Katniss is the one mentioned in “September”, as well as some other past chapters. Let me know if you would like to see a picture of it—I can put it up on Tumblr.

I wanted to thank all of you who have stuck with me throughout this story. It has been almost two years since I’ve published it—and I have to say that I’m really proud of it. All of you have been awesome readers and I can’t thank you enough for your support.

Hellos, reviews, and comments are always welcomed on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Next:  “Adam”, an Again outtake featuring Haymitch and Johanna.

Until then, JLaLa


	43. Adam, An Again Outtake

Before we continue onto the epilogue—here’s an outtake featuring my newest ship, and from the POV of one of my favorite characters, Haymitch Abernathy.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

I also wanted to mention that any events or new characters are fictional and any similarities to people or actual events are purely coincidental.

Thank you to my beta, Chelzie, for her hard work as we end this story. She rocks.

**_Trigger warning: Character death, scenes of a graphic nature_ **

_When you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in_   
_I will show you you're so much better than you know_   
_When you're lost and you're alone and you can't get back again_   
_I will find you darling and I will bring you home…_

_-Sade “By Your Side” (Recorded in 1999)_

Adam, an Again Outtake

**_Wednesday, February 12, 2014 11:00AM_ **

_Tete, Mozambique, Africa_

Using the box cutter on our small table, I cut the tape across the sealed box sent by Adina and quickly open the lid. A laugh escapes my mouth when my eyes zero on a photo of Adina, cross-eyed and tongue sticking out at the person taking the picture.

The picture lies atop a pillow of packing foam and a pink envelope is shoved into the corner.  Placing the picture on the table, I take out the envelope and pull out the letter from my inherited-goddaughter.

Sitting back in my chair, I begin to read Adina’s neat print:

_Dear Haymitch and Auntie Jo-Jo,_

_Greetings from your favorite Juilliard student! Hope you are both doing well. From the last phone call my parents received, the weather was ‘hot as hell’ and apparently Auntie Jo-Jo has an issue with keeping her clothes on because of it._

_I’m sure that doesn’t bother you one bit, Haymitch._

_We’re all doing great here! The studio is thriving and Mom seems to have a knack for marketing—they’ve been booked solid with gallery viewing appointments since she started Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr pages featuring Dad’s photos. I work at the studio on weekends to host open house parties and meet cute catering waiters (don’t tell either of them!)_

_All of this seems to be working out since Dad is busier than ever. He wasn’t too busy, however, to whisk Mom off to Paris last week. It’s ridiculous how cute my parents are as a couple; they must’ve made you sick when they were in high school, Auntie Jo-Jo._

_Since Dad is completely swamped this Valentine’s Day (he’s doing a picture feature for The New Yorker), he decided to take Mom on this romantic getaway before V-Day.  Did I mention that he asked me to help him plan it? The hotel I picked was gorgeous and has an awesome view of the Eiffel Tower. I also helped Dad book a private bateau so they could take an evening ride on the Seine._

_I’m the best daughter, am I not? I hope they remember this Christmas because my little studio could use some new furniture. This whole thing about being independent and making it on my paltry salary is seriously starting to blow. Why did I insist on not letting them help?_

_Oh yeah--because I wanted to be an independent woman like Beyonce. Seriously, I’m so far from her status that it’s not even funny._

_My job at the café is pretty cool and on open mic nights, I sing a little diddy and end up with about five dollars in my guitar case. Also, no one can make a latte like I can—if I fail at being a musician, then I think I could make a good living as a coffee foam artist._

_School is great and I’m learning a lot. I’ve also met some really cool people--like my friend, Eddie, who helped get me the job at the café. He’s a waiter there too and some nights—he’s a tattoo artist._

_Auntie Jo-Jo, Haymitch, please don’t tell my parents the next thing that I tell you._

_I got a tattoo! Before you freak out, I know all about the whole regretting it later thing and such. Eddie lectured me enough while he was inking me. It’s a white-ink tattoo and it’s on my wrist—you can barely see it. I enclosed a picture so you can check it out._

_You can yell at me when we see you in November. I hear that Kenya is beautiful and I’m excited to see you both._

_I hope that you’re going to celebrate Valentine’s Day properly—maybe someone could put a ring on it…?_

_I know, I know—that’s not your jam no matter how much my Mom, Aunt Annie, and Auntie Madge nag you. Let’s not mention their whole thing about how great you two would be as parents—and how much Maggie, Hanna, and Olivia adore you two (even though you’ve only talked to Olivia and Hanna through Skype)._

_Also, Uncle Thresh wanted me to remind you both that he wants you to come back home with us in December for Olivia’s birthday—that’s not a request. I can’t believe she’ll be two this year and she’s grown even more beautiful—huge coal colored eyes and dark curly hair. Actually all of the girls are gorgeous. Maggie is the gentle one, and never cries. Hanna is the loud one—and she really catches people’s attention, thanks to all that yellow hair and those pretty grey eyes._

_Just remember who your favorite is._

_Besides the picture of my very cute tattoo, there is a little present for you in this box, Haymitch. A little lady-friend bird told me your birthday is this week—specifically on a certain holiday. I thought I’d give you something to practice with, since you and I will be playing a match against each other during our visit._

_I’ve been practicing in Central Park with Dad and I think I’m getting good, but we’ll see._

_I miss you both like crazy and can’t wait to see you this November! Please stay safe and take care of one another. Love you both._

_Your (favorite) Goddaughter,_

_Adina_

_P.S. Thanks for the tip, Auntie Jo-Jo—I’ll tell you about the date next time we can catch up on the phone._

“Tattoo, huh?” I turn to see Johanna reading the letter over my shoulder and my lips briefly brush hers in greeting.

She has just spent most of night at the local clinic and looks like she could desperately use some coffee.

“Where’s this picture?” Johanna sits on my lap and bends forward to dig through the box. After a moment, her hand emerges from the foam and produces another photo. “Got it!”

“Let’s see this very cute tattoo of hers,” I say as she leans back against me and holds out the photo. Adina’s slender wrist is on display and the delicate cursive word rises from her cream skin. “It’s not too bad.”

“What does ‘Makenai’ mean?”

“It means ‘Don’t lose’ or something to that extent in Japanese,” I reply.

Johanna turns in my lap to wrap her hands around the nape of my neck. She smirks and I feel the heat rise in my skin.

Damn—she’s beautiful.

“How would you know?” Johanna asks me.

I wrap an arm around her waist to pull her closer to me. “I actually taught English in Tokyo for six months.”

Her face is only inches from mine and my eyes rove over her face—her upturned nose, the cupid bow of her lips, and those dark eyes. There’s just something about them.

“Did you meet any geishas?”

I shake my head. “I just ate a lot of ramen.”

Johanna laughs at my words, her forehead pressing against mine. I reach forward to brush my thumb against her sharp chin and the laughter fades from her lips as her eyes follow my movements. As my thumb reaches her bottom lip, she presses her lips against my rough pad and her warm eyes look into mine.

I can’t pinpoint the day, the week, or the moment that I started to see Johanna differently.

It definitely wasn’t when she was in high school despite what some of my former perverted colleagues might think. I do remember seeing her again for the first time at Finnick and Annie’s wedding. I didn’t even realize it was her walking down the aisle until she flipped Peeta off while he was taking her photo.

Only Johanna Mason would be ballsy enough to do something like that at the fanciest wedding ever hosted in the Napa vineyards.

After that first meeting, she slowly started to weave her way into my mind. It would be random things, like remembering how much she hated to read Jane Austen books, or that she liked Capri-Suns.

And how beautiful her smile was.

Her smile was the one that calmed and excited me at the same time; it was her smile that I looked forward to seeing more than anyone else’s.

I’ve fallen hard, and I don’t think I even realized it until I was walking down the plane aisle and sitting next to her.

“Haymitch?” I look up to see Johanna staring at me, worry in her eyes. “You okay there? I thought you had a stroke or something.” She bites her lip to stop herself from laughing.

I chuckle and take her hand. Turning it, I place a gentle kiss on her wrist.  “I was just remembering how I found myself in a small bungalow in the middle of Africa.”

“And how was that?”

I don’t answer. Instead, I kiss the palm of her hand before entwining our fingers.

Then my lips are suddenly pressed against hers. She tastes like the sun.

I’m not sure who started the kiss, but it doesn’t matter when she is pressed against me and I can freely run my hands through her soft hair. Or when she presses her open mouth along my neck until I’m almost aching.

“HAY-MITCH?”

Johanna and I pull apart immediately at the sound of the voice outside. I don’t even realize that both of our shirts are off until she hands me mine to put back on.

She gives me a smile as she buttons up her top. “Expecting anyone today?” I catch a glimpse of black lace as she finishes. Johanna spots where my eyes are looking and cups the bra through her shirt. “It’s new—Katniss sent it from Paris.”

“I’m going to have to get a more thorough look later—for fashion purposes and all,” I tell her.

Johanna rolls her eyes as she walks over to the door and opens it. “It’s Adam.”  She widens the door and a little boy with chocolate skin and round eyes walks in timidly. “Hey, darling.” She gives him an affectionate smile. “Did you want something to eat?”

“No-thank-you,” he says in halting English. When he spots me, Adam gives a big smile. “Hello!”

“Hey, Adam,” I greet him and pull the other chair at the table out for him. “How is your mother doing today?”

“She is well,” he replies slowly as he arranges himself on the seat, his feet far from the ground.

For a seven year old, Adam is small for his age. The shirt and shorts he’s wearing are huge on him. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon here for the children to be this small; malnourishment is a daily worry.

His mother is still at the clinic where Johanna works, being treated for dehydration. She works long hours in the fields close by. It’s back breaking work and dangerous because of potential landmines in the area.

"Did you bring your worksheet?” I ask him. He nods before reaching into his pocket to pull out the lined paper that I gave him during our last lesson.

When his mother got sick, the English lessons were a means of distraction for the young boy. After a few lessons, I saw how much potential Adam had—he is clever and loves to learn. Adina sends us children’s books for him and he can spend hours parked in our home reading them.

I sit down in the opposite chair and start to look over his sentences.

As I do, Johanna places a small juice box on the table for Adam and he gives her a bright smile. Then she sits on the bed across from us.

I look over at her weary form. “Should we go outside?”

She shakes her head. “It’s too hot for you two to be working outside.” Johanna lies down. “Also, I like waking up to see my boys hard at work.”

Soon, Johanna is fast asleep. She overworks herself a lot and we occasionally fight over how many hours she spends at the clinic. It isn’t that I don’t want her to help people; it’s that I want her to take care of herself in the process.

My girl is just too good at her job sometimes. She loves taking care of people but she never thinks of herself.

Adam picks up the photo of Adina and smiles at it.

I think he has a little bit of a crush on my pseudo-goddaughter. Her pictures, in various states of growth, are hung on the walls along with other pictures of our friends and family. Annie and Finnick’s wedding photo is on our bookshelf along with the latest photo of our goddaughter, Maggie.

The old high school photo of Johanna and her friends is displayed next to our front door.

I make very few corrections on Adam’s work. His penmanship is much better than it was four months ago.

“You’re getting much better,” I tell him. “Don’t forget to capitalize at the beginning, okay?” I hand the paper over to him. “Also, why does this word need to be capitalized?” I point at a word in his last sentence.

Adam sounds out the sentence before he looks up at me. “Because it is a city?”

“Good job, kid,” I respond with an encouraging smile. “Now read the sentences out loud.”

He nods determinedly and holds the paper in front of him.

“My name is Adam. I am seven years old. I like to play. I want to go to New York.” Though he struggles a bit, he reads confidently.

When he finishes, Adam looks up at me proudly.

This is why I love to teach. I love the seeing the looks on children’s faces after they’ve achieved something. It makes me happy to know that I’m teaching Adam a skill he will use for the rest of his life. Maybe he’ll become a speechwriter, a motivational speaker, or even a teacher —Adam is that smart.

“You’re going to be reading novels soon,” I tell him and my eyes go to the box still on the ground. “Adina sent me my birthday present—why don’t we take a look?”

Adam hops off his chair and with his help, I uncover two tiny bottles of wine from Finnick and Annie’s winery, a picture of Hanna along with some handcrafted coat hooks from Gale and Madge, and from Peeta and Katniss—a stack of leather journals. The last gift brings a smile to my face and a curious look from Adam.

He pulls out the black and white ball and then looks at me.

“It’s a soccer ball—wait, no, I mean a football.” I forget for a moment that American football doesn’t exist here. “I was teaching Adina how to play before she left for school.” He hands it to me and I throw it up and catch it easily. “She’ll be coming to visit us in Kenya on her birthday.”

He looks down sadly at the thought of us leaving. We had gotten word a month ago that Johanna would be moved, as help is needed to open another clinic closer to the slums in the Kenyan capital of Nairobi.

“How about we finish our lesson and then I can teach you how to play?”

His face suddenly brightens. “You promise to teach me to play… please?”

My heart hurts at seeing how eager he is to do things that other children in the world take for granted – like playing with a soccer ball. Adam has been staying at his home by himself since his mother got sick, acting as the man of the house. He has an aunt who lives a few miles away but she can’t take care of him because she has little ones of her own.

Adam tells me that he can take care of himself. He fixes his own meals and does his own washing. Every day he goes to the hospital to see his mother and then walks over here for his lessons. He rarely takes anything we give him except for the juice boxes that Johanna offers.

He reminds me a lot of Johanna—so independent and brave.

“Of course, son,” I assure him. I reach into the box once more and pull out a set of Dr. Seuss books. “Look what Adina sent.”

He hops onto his chair, a happier bounce in him. I hand him one of the books and he opens it eagerly.

I sit and watch him for a moment as he looks over the bright illustrations.

“Adam?” He looks up at me. “Why do you want to visit New York?”

He bows his head slightly before looking at me again, his eyes serious and his smile bright.

“To marry Adina.”

++++++

Johanna sleeps well into the afternoon as Adam and I continue working on his English. During our break, I manage to get him to eat some crackers with peanut butter on them.

As he eats, I check on Johanna, who’s sleeping peacefully on her side. She had been so tired that she didn’t bother to take off her shoes. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I unlace her sneakers and remove them one by one before placing a light sheet over her.

Placing a kiss on top of her head, I go back to my chair and find Adam looking at the picture of Hanna.

“This is Hanna. She is the daughter of our friends, Gale and Madge. She was born in November—the same month as Adina. Isn’t she pretty?”

He nods taking my words in. “How about you? Where is your daughter?”

I chuckle softly. “I don’t have any children.”

“How about Miss Johanna? Where is her baby?”

I look over at my sleeping girlfriend and shake my head. “Miss Johanna doesn’t have any children—not now anyway.”

Marriage and children are tricky subjects for us, as we are technically a new couple. On the other hand, we’ve been living and traveling together like we are married. In some places, we’ve had to lie and say that we are.

Honestly, I already feel that she is my wife. I am committed to Johanna and have been from the beginning. However, if she wanted me to—I would put a ring on her finger, I would do the whole big ceremony, and I would buy the house in the suburbs for our family.

All she has to do is say the word.

“One day she will,” I continue and give him a smile. “And she will be a great mother.” I look outside and see that the sun is already beginning to set. “Why don’t we go outside and I can show you how to play football.”

He nods and I hand him the ball. Rushing to the door, Adam opens it quickly and runs out. I go to Johanna and press my lips to hers before joining Adam outside.

The sun is at the edge of the horizon, coloring the edge of the horizon bright orange as the sky above us has darkened into an inky blue. I look over and see him tossing the ball in the air.

Joining Adam, I show him how to kick the ball between his legs using his ankles.  We use two long sticks that we find close to the bungalow as our goal posts and play a quick game so he can get a feel for it. He catches on quickly, figuring out that his small stature makes him faster than me despite my experience in playing.

After a few games, we are tied in score and Adam smartly weaves himself under my legs to get past me with the ball.

“HEY!” I call out with a laugh. He stops and turns, grinning slyly at me. Rushing towards him, I pick him and spin him around. “YOU TRICKED ME!” His bright laugher rings out into the warm air and I hold him in my arms to swing him about like he is flying. He holds his arms out and straightens his legs.

“I thought you two were supposed to be studying.”

We both turn guiltily to find Johanna watching us from the open doorway of our home, her arms crossed and a smile across her lips.

“We finished, Miss Johanna,” Adam tells her simply as I place him back on the ground. “It’s time to play now.” Picking up the ball, he runs up to her and holds it out for her to take. “Your turn.”

Johanna meets my eyes and winks as she walks over to us. Taking the ball, she tosses it in the air and then catches it. Tossing it lightly, she kicks with her knees as Adam watches her in fascination.

“How about you try that trick?” she says to him and hands him the ball.

Adam begins to practice under Johanna’s watchful eye. He catches on quickly and soon we are watching him walk back and forth as he kicks the ball with his knees.

I put my arm around her. “You’d make a good mo—teacher.” I catch myself and quickly turn back to look at Adam, trying to hide the growing heat on my face.

We watch him silently, listening to his excited shouts every time he catches the ball.

“I’m going to be a good mother one day,” she suddenly tells me as her arms wrap around my waist. I meet her eyes and she rests her head against my chest. “You’re just going to have to learn to change diapers quickly.”

“Of course,” I reply and she looks up to me. “As long as you give Adam a playmate.” Her eyes shine in agreement and she pushes onto her tiptoes to kiss me. “Whenever you’re ready, that is.”

I turn to watch Adam playing against the setting sun and I think about how perfect this all feels.

For a moment, I imagine that we’re not here but at my place in Oregon and that the dusty ground under Adam’s feet is actually lush grass. In my mind, Adam is taller, stronger, and wearing a soccer jersey with his name on it and behind us, instead of a tiny box with cutout windows—it is my cabin, lit up brightly.

And Johanna would be there, beautiful and glowing – and sporting a small bump under her top.

We would all go back into our cabin for dinner and Adam would eat ravenously as he tells us about school and his friends.

Then we would tell him that he will have a little sister in a few months.

Instead, we are back to reality and Adam will return to an empty home with barely enough to eat. We will go back to our tiny box and Johanna will work herself into exhaustion at the clinic trying to save lives.

“Haymitch?” I look down and see Adam offering me the ball back.

I shake my head. “You keep it and practice. Teach your friends, and next time we can have a big game here. What do you think?”

He nods excitedly.

“It’s getting dark, Adam,” Johanna says. “You’d better get home.” She rushes into the house and returns with one more juice box for him. “In case you get thirsty on the way back.”

We have asked Adam to sleep over before, but he always refuses. He needs to protect his house and in that aspect, I understand him.

She leans down and hugs him. “Goodnight, sweetheart. Be safe.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, son.” He wraps an arm around my waist quickly before rushing off, embarrassed at his display of affection.

We watch him until he has disappeared from our sight. At this point, the sun has set and there is nothing in front of us but darkness and stars.

This is the one thing that I can appreciate about being out here. The stars are never this bright in the city.

Together, Johanna and I walk back into our home and I go to light the small lantern on the table. There’s no electricity here. We’re actually extremely lucky to have a wash room and toilet as well as a small icebox and sink in our kitchen area.

I go to the small table and dog-ear the page where Adam left off on in his Dr. Seuss book. “Johanna?”

“Yes, darling?” I watch as she lights the candles by our bedside.

I approach our bed. “Are you happy with me?”

She looks over from where I sit at the edge of the bed. Coming over to my side, she stands in front of me and lifts my chin.

“Why are you asking me this?”

“I know that one day you’re going to want a family,” I start. “And I’m older than you—there’s no doubt about that. I just worry that I’m not going to be enough for you.”

“Haymitch, I never thought about children until you,” Johanna says as she looks into my eyes. “I never thought about wanting to spend my life with anyone until now, either.” She runs a hand through my hair. “And I think I’m getting tired of running.”

“Running?”

“I love being a doctor,” she tells me. “But I picked doing this because I guess I was looking for something or somewhere to belong. I didn’t realize exactly what I was looking for until now.”

“What were you looking for?” I ask quietly.

She looks down at me and brushes her thumb against my lips. “You.” She leans down and kisses me softly, her hand cupping my face. Johanna moves forward, her knees going to each side of my lap as she settles on top of me. “After Kenya, I’m done—I want to us to find a home.” Her eyes meet mine nervously. “What do you think?”

“Is this is a proposal?”

“I’m not sure,” she answers. “I just know that I want to be with you – create a life with you if that’s in our stars. I want to wake up with you every morning.”

“That sounds like a plan.” Our lips meet again, passionately content with the light teasing of our lips and the slight brush of tongues. We pull away for a moment and she rests her forehead against mine. “I will give you anything that will make you happy, Johanna. Because I live and die for your smile.”

She chuckles quietly as she presses light kisses on my face. “You can be sweet when you want to be, Haymitch.” Her mouth goes to my neck, moving her lips along my pulsing skin until she is nipping at my ear. “I just remembered something.”

I open my eyes, my chest heaving. “What?”

Her hands go to her top as she slowly begins to undo her buttons. “I forgot to show you what Katniss gave me.”  She reveals a black lacy bralette peeking out from the opening of her shirt. Johanna slides her top off, letting it land on the floor.

“You can touch,” Johanna tells me, her eyes dark and teasing. She gives me a smirk. “For fashion purposes, of course.”

++++++

**_Thursday, February 13, 2014 10:30AM_ **

“I love you.”

I hear the words spoken softly against my ear; my eyes remain closed, knowing that she said it at this moment because she didn’t want me to hear her say it.

Those words are important to both of us because we know they shouldn’t be said lightly. Johanna has had enough issues with the people who are supposed to love her. She talks very little about her mother, who took off as soon as Johanna was of legal age. She doesn’t know who her father is, so she never got the chance to love him.

Then there is Gale. I don’t remember much of their relationship in high school. Sometimes I would see them together along with the rest of the group, lounging in the park across from the school. They were both in my class, along with Katniss and Peeta.

I remember their relationship from last year. Sometimes I would see her slipping out of Annie and Finnick’s house and even caught her once—practically topless. I saw them both trying desperately to hold on to something that wasn’t there.

She told me once that they were only a good couple in bed. Once they were finished, it was horrible—petty and jealous words were sometimes exchanged, and she would leave feeling emptier than when she arrived.

I remember myself—constantly watching her and making sure that she wasn’t in pain. I always wanted to keep her smiling.

I never understood why.

Then Johanna came down with a sudden fever and without thinking, I was at Katniss’ house where she was staying. I watched her fall in and out of fevered sleep—and when it was really bad, I would press my hand to her forehead, hoping that I could calm her.

I realized then that she was the reason I still stuck around.

I love Finnick and Annie, but they don’t really need me. I knew Johanna needed me even if it was just as friend, and I needed her—for no logical reason that I could understand.

I guess I didn’t know then that it was love.

I don’t throw that word around so much because I’ve been hurt by it, too. I married the first girl I loved, and two years later I came home to a goodbye letter.  We were both young and stupid, so in the end it was for the best, but it never stopped the painful sting.

Nothing stopped the dull ache until Johanna came along.

She knows about May and it’s why she doesn’t push me about marriage or ask how I feel about the subject. She knows me well enough to understand that some things are better left unsaid, because they can hurt people.

“Haymitch.” Johanna is shaking me out of my reverie. I open my eyes and find her smiling down at me, her hand moving up and down my bare back. “I have to go to the clinic.”

“So early?”

“I was thinking that when I get off, we could have a proper birthday-slash-Valentine’s Day celebration,” she suggests with a smile. “We can open our two small wine bottles and see where everything goes from there.” I push myself up on my elbow and she kisses me gently. “Have fun today with Adam.”

“Knowing him, he’s probably already gotten a game started—I expect a team of little kids invading our yard in an hour or two.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she tells me. “Go back to bed.”

I let my head fall back and close my eyes, falling back into blissful sleep.

++++++

The loud pounding on the door has me shooting up and I lift my wrist to look at the time on my watch— _1:30_.

It must Adam—he’s running a little later than usual, but then again, I am too. I quickly throw a shirt on and grab the pair of cargo pants that Johanna laid out at the edge of the bed as the knocking continues.

Rushing to the door, I ready an apology to my little friend and am surprised to find a group of children in front of me, all with panic in their eyes.

“Haymitch! Haymitch!” I look to see a friend of Adam’s—I think his name is Sam—pushing through the kids. “COME NOW!”

“What’s wrong?”

“ADAM! ADAM!” He yells at me and points in the direction of the fields about mile away from our home.

I am running before he can even finish. My heart is pounding out of my chest as I spot the hazy smoke behind the fenced off area. On the opposite end are white sticks pointing from the ground—destroyed landmines.

A group of villagers have assembled at a spot by the fence, staring out.  “MOVE!”

I push to the front and my heart stops as I spot the little form splayed still on the ground a few feet away.

He clutches the soccer ball in front of him, but other than this I see no movement coming from the little boy.

 Around me, the crowd has gone quiet—they are too scared to help.

Adam’s friends make their way to the front and they look up at me, blatant fear in their eyes. Sam points to the widened part of the fence—I see the tiny footprints that lead to Adam.

Before I can I even think about it, I am pulling the weak fencing material apart and following Adam’s steps carefully.

One wrong move and I can become a fatality of an undiscovered landmine.

It feels like it takes hours for me to make my way to Adam; the detonation hole is still smoking in front of his prone form.

I kneel next to him to check the damage. He is breathing but just barely, and a single line of blood runs down the side of his mouth.

“Oh, Adam…” I choke out, trying to control my tears.

His glazed eyes start to focus and though he doesn’t move his head, his sweet eyes move to meet mine.

It comes out in a tiny wheeze from his choked throat. “Papa Haymitch…”

Carefully, I move my arms under him to pick him up—he feels so light in my grasp.

His arms are cradling his prized soccer ball and Adam’s head falls against my chest as he closes his eyes.

“Stay with me, son,” I urge as I follow my path back to the fence. Villagers have pulled open the fence even wider so I can easily get through with Adam. Once I am back onto the dirt path, I begin running into the main part of the small village.

Despite my speed, I feel like it takes a lifetime to find the small building that is the village clinic.

I rush into the building with the little boy in my arms and spot her towards the back of the room, her white coat bright in the dim light of the building.

“JOHANNA!” She turns and is suddenly running towards us.

“What happened?” Johanna looks over Adam quickly, and I know she is analyzing. She pushes me towards the back of the room and pulls back a curtain to reveal a clean hospital bed. “I NEED HELP! STAT!”

Other staff immediately rush over and she looks at me, her tears threatening to spill forward.

“Landmine,” I tell her. “Just a few minutes from our place.”

She nods before turning to Adam again. He is still clutching the ball in his arms.

“Baby, you need to let go of the ball,” she says to him softly. Adam looks at her, his eyes unfocused. “It’s me, Miss Johanna.” She touches his head carefully. “Give me the ball, honey, and I’ll give it to Haymitch.”

Adam’s hands go slack as he releases the ball into her hands—and we see it. The large, blood soaked circle on his yellow shirt.

“Oh, God…” Johanna breathes and she quickly hands over the ball.

Around us, the rest of the staff are rushing about—gathering gauze to soak up the blood, shining a light into Adam’s unresponsive pupils, and setting up an IV.

Johanna turns to me, her eyes wide and blank. “You need to go.”

“No!” I look over as a nurse cuts Adam’s shirt open and I have to close my eyes when I see how much damage has been done to his little body.  “I can’t—he’s my—“

“I know,” she replies, her eyes pained. “But I can’t do my job seeing you like this. I need to focus on Adam. Please go—I promise I will come home as soon as I can.”

I nod in understanding and Johanna squeezes my hand before rushing towards Adam’s bed, pulling the curtain behind her to keep me from seeing.

Looking down, I realize that I’m holding Adam’s ball, his scarlet fingertips imprinted on the whites of it.

++++++

I don’t know if I can recall how I even got home from the hospital, but I find myself at my front door and slowly open it.

It doesn’t look any different than how I left it, but it feels different. I walk slowly to the center of the room and place the ball on the seat of an empty chair next to our table. I catch sight of blood on my hands—his blood; I walk into the small kitchen and go to the sink, watching the water turn red as I run my hands under cool water.

I feel numb—I know I should be feeling something, but instead I’m stuck.

Looking down, I see crimson on my white shirt and remove it quickly, tossing it away from me. My feet travel to the small rucksack at the opposite end of the room where I keep my clean shirts and I pull out the first one I find.

Standing up, I look around the room, trying to find ways to occupy myself. I fix our bed, fluffing the hard pillows as best I can and folding the thin sheets neatly.  I clean up the foam peanuts from Adina’s gift box and place them back in the box.

_Oh God—what will we tell Adina?_

 The single thought breaks me and I sit in the empty chair at the table—his chair – utterly broken. In front of me are his books, the dog-eared one on top—the one he was supposed to finish today.

And his worksheets, the tiny, neat scrawl of sentences and numbers piled together in a neat stack. We were going to give them to him before we left so he could see how much he has improved.

His proud, confident voice echoes in my mind as I sit with my head in my hands.

_“My name is Adam. I am seven years old. I like to play. I want to go to New York…”_

++++++

I don’t know how long I sit there or how many tears I let roll down my face. It is only when I hear the slow turn of the doorknob do I snap out of my haze. I can tell it is already night because I can see the darkness from the open windows.

Have I really been sitting here this long?

Johanna steps in, her eyes empty and her clothes stained scarlet. Her eyes meet mine and she shakes her head.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, her stare falling to the ground. “I did everything I could, but there was just too much damage…”

Johanna moves past me and walks into the kitchen, her eyes never meeting mine as she turns on the faucet to wash her hands. “I’m a doctor and this happens all the damn time—but DAMNIT!” Her hands slam against the base of the metal sink and I watch her shoulders shake as she begins to sob. “He was only seven!”

She turns to me, her eyes so full of horrible, sickening pain that it paralyzes me.

“I BEGGED HIM TO STAY! I TOLD HIM HE WASN’T FINISHED!” Johanna’s hands find the glasses on the makeshift shelves and she is throwing them against the opposite wall. The pieces of glass loudly shatter to the floor but it isn’t enough – she reaches into the bookshelves and starts throwing books and knickknacks without thought. “I TOLD HIM THAT WE NEEDED HIM!”

She finally finds herself in a corner of the room, pounding against the wall in anger as she sinks to the ground, her hands buried in her face. “WHY? GODDAMNIT!” Johanna sobs, her wails breaking me into pieces. “He was ours…”

I feel her pain because for the short time that he was with us, Adam became the son that we had both wanted – a smart and kind soul who had brightened our lives. Our time with him had been too short.

I watch her crying and understand for the first time how it feels to truly love someone. Their pain becomes your own and you take it with you, trying to pull the burden from their shoulders. You let them scream and cry, and angrily curse God or whatever deity who rules over them because you understand more than anyone ever will.

You understand that there is nothing you can do but wait as they fall apart for you.

I watch her, knees drawn to her chest, as small whimpers escape her mouth. I approach slowly and wrap my arms around her hunched, compact form.

“Shhh…” I kiss her temple. “You did everything you could.”

Johanna turns to me, her eyes drowning in tears. “It wasn’t enough,” she says in a trembling voice. “I could see him fading in front of me—and there was nothing I could do.”

“I know you tried your hardest because I know you.”  I lift her chin so I can look into her eyes. “You will do anything to help the people you love.” I pull her closer to me and she wraps her arms around my waist, her head resting against my chest. “That’s why I love you so much.”

Johanna falls silent, her breathing slowing down as she rests against me.

“That’s the first time I’ve heard you say that you love me,” she says softly.

I look down to see her staring up at me, eyes shiny and bloodshot, face stained with tears, and give her soft smile.

“But I’ve meant it every day.”

After a moment, Johanna nods and I help her stand up.

Together, we walk to our bed and I pull back the sheets for her. She sits down on her side tiredly as I help her remove her shoes. Then I lift her loose shirt over her head and help her shimmy off her loose scrub pants. She lies back in her white tank top and simple blue boy shorts as I blanket her with the thin sheet.

As I reach down to gather her clothes from the floor, her hand reaches for mine.

“Lie down with me,” she says in a small voice.

I nod and she pulls back the covers, scooting over so I can get in next to her. I lie back and her head finds itself against my chest with her hand over my heart.

Her other hand touches the watch on my wrist and her eyes meet mine.

“Happy Birthday,” she says to me sadly.

Her greeting causes something in me to break.

Maybe because I feel like it’s not fair for me to have another birthday while Adam will never have anymore, or because I think about how much I wanted him to be here to celebrate with us.

A sob escapes my mouth and Johanna is pulling me to her.

 “It’s okay—let it out,” she says as I shake against her small body. “I’m here – I’m going to be here forever.  Next year we’re not going to be crying—though it seems to be a running theme for us.” A wet laugh escapes my mouth and I can feel her smile against my forehead.

It’s that smile that I live and die for.

Johanna rocks me against her and I feel my eyes start to droop. She slows her movements and I feel her lay her head on my shoulder.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Haymitch,” I hear her whisper against me.

My lips find their way into her hair as I drift off. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Johanna.”

++++++

**_One Month Later_ **

“We should head down to the village,” I tell Johanna. “The bus will be there in an hour.”

I look over at her worriedly.

A month has passed and Johanna is a little thinner, a little sadder, but still beautiful. She is staring blankly from the open doorway of the small, empty bungalow that has been our home here.

Placing a hand on her shoulder, she snaps out of her reverie to look at me. “There is something we need to do first,” she tells me.

I nod and Johanna closes the door to the bungalow. She gives me a smile and takes my hand. Together with our rucksacks on our shoulders, we walk down the familiar path towards the village.

My hand tightens as we pass by a familiar broken fence and I see that a lot of the ground has been marked with white placeholders by HALO. Some of the members of the de-mining organization came to pay their respects to Adam’s mother, as well to Johanna and I after hearing about what happened.

It is what it is.

Adam’s mother has gone to live with her sister. She left almost immediately after being discharged from the hospital.

We couldn’t blame her—there was no one for her to come home to.

Before I even realize, we are at the border of the town.

In a small clearing where a single tree stands, there is a cross marker with a single name on it: _Adam._

The last month has been extremely hard on both of us. I wake up every day expecting him for a lesson and then the hot, sharp pain comes when I realize that he won’t be coming to our door ever again.

Johanna has continued her work at the clinic and she is okay on most days—but there are some days where she comes home, sits on the edge of our bed, and just cries. When this happens, I would pick her up to go sit at the round table, and just let her cry it out as I rocked her.

Sometimes, I would join in.

Are we stronger? Definitely – but it came at a price.

We are ready to move on together and as much as we are looking forward to our new start in Kenya—we are more excited to find a more permanent home.

A home where we could be with friends and family – and maybe, just maybe – where we could start a family.

“Haymitch--wait.” As Johanna digs through her things, I spy a folded piece of line paper—Adam’s last worksheet.

That last worksheet Adam did for me will be given to Adina, his ‘wife’.

Telling her what had happened to Adam was one of the hardest phone calls that we’ve ever had to make. She didn’t know him personally but she had cared for him because we did.

Johanna hands me a book—the same book that I had dog-eared for Adam to finish.

The one that he will never finish.

So I will finish the story for him.

She weaves her arm through mine and lays her head against my shoulder as I open the book and begin to read:

_“OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!_   
  
_You'll be on your way up!_   
_You'll be seeing great sights!_   
_You'll join the high fliers_   
_who soar to high heights._   
  
_You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed._   
_You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead._   
_Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best._   
_Wherever you go, you will top all the rest…”_

* * *

 

Heavy duty, I know. This story has always been in my head—I just had to find a place to stick it.

I just thought that we should get a halfway point story before we get to the epilogue. It gives you a little insight as to what has been going on behind the scenes, as we may not see a lot of these other characters later on.

A few things:

Hanna is born in early November of 2013, so she is the youngest of the girls. Maggie will be turning one in April 2014.Then there is Olivia—Thresh and Teddy’s adopted daughter – who is actually one and going on two this year.

Adina is in the middle of her second semester at Juilliard. In regards to her tattoo, the word ‘Makenai’ is actually taken from the theme song for the Sailor Moon series, “Sailor Stars”.

NOTES:

Mozambique should be mostly cleared of all landmines as of the end of 2014; the upper area of the country is already cleared.

Tete, a province of Mozambique, is one of the places still being cleared by HALO, the oldest and largest humanitarian landmine clearance organization.

White marker sticks on the ground indicate destroyed landmines. Adam was actually on the opposite side, which is still unmarked.

Adam is named after the son of the main character, Celie, in “The Color Purple”—which is one of my favorite books. Olivia (Thresh’s daughter) is the name of Celie’s daughter in the book.

I don’t mention it in Chapter 31, but yes—Haymitch’s birthday—is on Valentine’s Day. He just never mentioned it last year because he was busy buying cupcakes and Capri-Suns for Johanna. Plus, he was spending his birthday with the person he wanted to spend it with.

“Oh, The Places You’ll Go!” is a book by Dr. Seuss. It was the last book published (in 1990) before his death in 1991.

Hellos, reviews and feedback are always welcomed on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Next: The Epilogue—Katniss 2014

Until then, JLaLa


	44. Epilogue: 2014

Here we are—the end of Again.

The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.

I want to thank my beta, Chelzie, for her constant support. This was a turkey of a fic that I gave her to work with. I love her.

_“Don't be afraid to be weak_   
_Don't be too proud to be strong_   
_Just look into your heart my friend_   
_That will be the return to yourself…”_

_-Enigma, “Return to Innocence” (1994)_

Again

Epilogue: 2014

**_Sunday, November 16, 2014 1:00PM_ **

_The Panari Hotel, Nairobi, Kenya_

“Mrs. Mellark?”

The door opens as a young woman from the concierge desk quickly enters our suite, giving me a bright smile.

“I just wanted to let you know that your car has arrived and dinner reservations for later tonight have been made for you and your guests.”  She reaches into the portfolio that she’s carrying and produces a black card. “A key card for your daughter. Please let us know if there is anything else that we can help you with.”

“Thank you.” I give her a smile as the door to the master bedroom opens and Peeta steps out, smiling at me before going to his laptop in the sitting area. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

“I apologize; my name is Amy.” She holds out her hand and I shake it firmly. “I’m the Head Concierge during the daytime. Raul is my counterpart during the evenings and if you need anything during your dinner, he will happy to assist you.”

“Thanks, Amy,” I reply. “My name is Katniss and the man on the laptop over there is my husband, Peeta.” Peeta gives her a friendly wave from where he sits and I give him a smile. “Our car is downstairs and our daughter is waiting at the airport.”

Peeta closes his laptop and walks towards us. Once he reaches my side, he puts an arm around me and kisses the side of my head. Amy blushes watching Peeta’s display of affection.

“We shouldn’t keep her waiting. God knows what kind of trouble that girl might get herself into,” he tells me.

“Let me walk you out.” Amy opens the door for us and together, Peeta and I walk out into the hallway with her. She closes the door and quickly makes sure that it is locked. The sound of her heels clicking against the marble floor echoes through the private hallway as we walk towards the elevator. “Will your daughter be coming with an au pair?”

I chuckle. “No, but we should probably get her a babysitter since she has a knack for getting into trouble.” Peeta looks over at me with my bemused grin and I look over at Amy. “Adina is turning nineteen in two days.”

“I’m sorry for being presumptive.” She looks over at us in shock as she swipes her card to open the private elevator. “You two just look so young!”

The elevator door opens and I walk in quickly along with Peeta.

I wink at Amy as the doors close. “It’s a long story.”

++++++  
 _Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, Nairobi_

“MOM! DAD!”

Adina is running towards us, her long hair flying behind her as she makes her way down the long corridor of the baggage area.

It’s been four months since we’ve seen her.

In July, Peeta was commissioned to do a photo spread in Thailand for an online magazine and it took us about two months to get through all the photo sites. After Thailand, I got a call from Rue, the new manager of the studio, telling me that Peeta’s presence was specifically requested by some socialites in Spain.

Turns out the socialites were Gloss and Cashmere, friends of Annie and Finnick’s.

They were selling their parents’ villa and needed some good photos of the house for their realtors. While we were there, they kept us thoroughly entertained by taking us around the country. Some of the photos that Peeta took ended up being published on Spain’s national travel and tourism website.

We also learned that no one partied like those two could. They threw us a goodbye party with all of their European friends.

The next day, Peeta and I woke up naked, locked in our guest room, with no recollection of what had happened.

Until we saw the photos on Peeta’s digital camera—those have since been deleted.

Cashmere says that we made quite the impression on their friends.

“Is Adina wearing what I think she’s wearing?” Peeta suddenly asks as she pushes through the crowd toward us.

I look at our daughter’s dress—it’s burgundy and as I watch her move forward, I recognize the silhouette.

I take Peeta’s hand. “It is.”

“Mommy!” Adina runs to me and I let go of Peeta’s hand to wrap my arms around her. Oh God, she still smells sweet. I can’t even describe how much I’ve missed her. “I missed you so much!” I can hear the tears in her voice and pull her closer, kissing the top of her hair as I do.

“I guess I’m just chopped liver.” We pull away to see Peeta putting his camera down after taking photos of our reunion. He gives her a grin. “Doesn’t your old man get a hug?”

“Oh, Daddy!” She smiles at him, her crooked grin mirroring his own. “You’re so far from old.” Adina rushes over to him and he enfolds her in his arms. “I should be mad at you for taking Mom so far away though. Sometimes I really need to talk to her.”

I reach forward as they separate and move the bangles over her wrist to reveal the white-inked tattoo. “Like maybe before getting this?”

 She blushes. “How did you know?”

“I’m your mother,” I simply tell her. “Plus, you hate bangles and you’ve been wearing them around us since February—so there had to be a reason. You’ve never liked them since you got Jo-Jo’s metal bangles stuck on your wrist when you were eight.” I look over at Peeta and sigh. “We’ll discuss this later.”

“Where’s your luggage, sweetheart?” Peeta asks.

“I got some help.” She turns around and sticking two fingers in her mouth, Adina lets out a high-pitched whistle.

The crowd clears and two boys in bright red soccer jerseys come walking forward, pushing carts full of luggage. Behind them, the rest of the team in matching jerseys follows.

“Mom, Dad—this is the Manchester School Football Team—they’re number one in their county apparently. I sat next to them on the flight here after I changed planes in Heathrow.”

The team gives us a wave—I blush and Peeta glares.

Adina turns to us, an innocent smile on her face. “So, where’s the car?”

++++++

“This place is beautiful!” Adina rushes around the suite as she takes it all in. She runs to the windows, looking out at the view. “I can’t believe that we’re here! This is amazing.”

We watch her, delighting in her child-like excitement.

Adina is far from a child, however. The proof was in the way that football team followed her every beck and call.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Peeta so flustered. It’s very difficult for him to not feel overprotective of Adina, especially after everything we’ve been through.

Plus, I’m sure that Peeta didn’t appreciate the team ogling Adina’s long legs while they helped load her luggage into our black sedan.

Or that she hugged all fourteen of them before we left.

The funny thing about it is that Adina never seemed to notice the attention they were giving her. To her, they were all her friends.

She turns to us, catching our expressions. “What?”

I shake my head and give her a smile. “Nothing.” I beckon her towards us. “Now let’s get a real good look at you! I need to make sure that there aren’t any more tattoos.”

Adina walks towards us and gives us a little twirl, the skirt of my old baby-doll dress twirling around her pale legs.

“This is a trip,” Peeta remarks as she faces us.

I know what he means. She looks just like I did at that age.

She fingers the skirt of the dress. “Do you like it? Grandma found it in the storage of the house and thought that I would like it.”

My husband smiles at her, his blue eyes lost in remembrance. “I love it. The first time I met your mother, she was wearing that dress.”

Her grey eyes go wide. “No joke! Tell me the story!”

Peeta sits on the couch of the sitting room after placing his camera on the coffee table. Adina takes my hand and together we join him. I sit next to my husband as Adina puts her head on my lap, stretching her legs toward the end of the long couch.

 “Go on, Dad,” Adina urges as she looks up at us from my lap.

“The first time I saw your Mom was in our English class,” he recalls. “I had just transferred about a month before school ended. I sat behind her and never once did she turn around to look at me, even when Miss Trinket had us pass papers back and forth to each other.”

Adina giggles. “Mom, you were so mean!”

I elbow Peeta and he chuckles. “I was shy! Every time I even looked at your Dad, I could feel myself turn red.”

“I used to stare at her braid in class,” Peeta tells her. “I don’t remember anything that I learned during that class. I just remembered wondering how her hair looked when it was unraveled.”

“That’s really sweet,” Adina says quietly as she toys with her hair, her eyes dreamy. “So tell me about this meeting with my dress.”

“I officially met your mother during the end-of-the-year dance,” he continues. “Your Aunt Johanna yelled at me from across the gym to come over and your mother was standing right next to her—in that dress. “ Peeta smiles at me. “Then your mom turned and hit me with her braid.”

“It was an accident!” I protest.

“Then I got my first real look at her,” Peeta tells Adina softly. “Dark hair, beautiful grey eyes, and those legs, nicely displayed in her burgundy dress. Then your mother smiled at me – and I was a goner.”

I put my head on his shoulder and Peeta turns his head, his lips in my hair.

“Always,” he whispers against me.

It was what he whispered in my ear after our ceremony, and the word that’s engraved inside my wedding band.

“I hope that someone loves me like that one day,” Adina says as a yawn escapes her mouth. I run my fingers through her silky hair and she turns her head, soothed by the motions. I know in only a few seconds, she will be fast asleep.

“Do you remember what else Johanna said to us?” I ask Peeta.

Peeta shakes his head.

I look down at our now sleeping daughter before meeting his eyes again.

 “She said that we would make beautiful children.”

++++++

**_7:00PM_ **

“As I live and breathe – if it isn’t Mrs. Mellark!”

I turn to see Johanna smirking at me from the entrance to the restaurant.

“Jo-Jo!” I rush into her arms and she squeezes me tightly.

Pulling apart, she gives me a onceover. “Being married has done wonders for you—I mean, look at that ass!” She swats my bottom and gives me a wicked grin. “Getting a good workout by Peeta, I see.”

I roll my eyes. “It’s the dress. Dior will do wonders.” The red couture dress with the asymmetrical skirt was my first big splurge after Delly sold my program to a company in London.

I take Johanna’s hand as I look her over. She is beaming, her usually dark eyes are bright with happiness and her deep, red lips are spread into a pretty smile. The soft leather dress she wears fits her lithe figure perfectly.

“You look beautiful,” I tell her. “How are you?”

Her eyes suddenly flood with sadness. “We’re better,” she replies quietly. Our arms link automatically as we walk into the restaurant. “It was hard that first month. While we were still in Tete, we kept expecting Adam to be at the door in the mornings.”

I nod, remembering Johanna’s phone call a few months ago.

We had just come home after taking Adina to see _Mamma Mia_ on Broadway when my cellphone rang. It was Johanna and Haymitch asking to speak to Adina. Putting them on speaker, Adina listened to them tell her how the little boy who she loved to send books to had died after stepping on an undiscovered landmine.

Johanna could hardly speak, so Haymitch took over answering any questions in his own rough, trembling voice. Adina was in tears, taking my phone to talk to them in private inside our bedroom.

When Adina finally brought the phone back to me, eyes swollen and face flushed, I let Johanna sob incoherent words into the phone. I know that she didn’t need me to understand her words; she just needed me to listen and let her cry.

“It’s gotten better here in Kenya,” she says softly. “And Haymitch has been great, even though he’s going through his own shit.”

“You both seem happy despite everything you’ve been through,” I tell her. There’s something in her eyes that I can’t describe. “I think you two have gotten closer, too.”

“I love him, Katniss,” she tells me, seriousness in her eyes. “He’s it for me.”

I try to stop my grin but fail miserably. “You’re getting married, aren’t you?”

She shakes her head. “OH GOD, NO! That’s not our thing.” We walk towards the table. “By the way, thanks for inviting me to your wedding, bitch!”

“Sorry,” I reply as we joined the rest of the group. “It really just happened.”

Johanna sits next to Haymitch, who looks ruggedly handsome despite wearing pressed slacks and a white collar button-up. I sit next to her with Peeta beside me.  Adina rounds out the table, sitting across from me.

Johanna gives me a mock glare. “I guess you could say that – seeing as you went straight to City Hall and got married right after you landed!”

“It was Adina’s idea!”  I argue.

“Could you blame me?” Adina asks our friends. “It’s been—what, seventeen, eighteen years in the making?”

“You must have had a nice honeymoon, though,” Haymitch says to us.

“If you count going through contracts and trying to fix the mess those assholes made in my studio as a honeymoon,” Peeta tells him with a wry smile. “It’s a good thing we were able to get help from Rue.”

Rue was only happy to move to New York after Prim’s wedding last April. My sister and Rory have since moved into the apartment that the two friends had been sharing. Rue had planned to move back home but once Peeta and I offered her some temporary work while we looked for a proper manager—she jumped at the opportunity.

In June, we offered her the job as the official manager for Peeta’s studio. She happily accepted.

“How is Thresh handling his sister being in the big, bad city?”

“You know him—always the father,” I say. “Phone calls twice a week and texts asking me about the people she’s hanging out with and such. I don’t know what he and Teddy will do when Olivia is a teenager.”

“Two words: chastity belt,” Johanna says. “I can’t believe they got her right after we left last year.”

“Well, we’ll get to see her in December for her birthday,” I reply.

“Speaking of birthdays,” Peeta suddenly says as he looks over at Adina. “We’re supposed to be here to celebrate a certain young lady’s nineteenth birthday.”  

Haymitch raises his glass and takes. “Hear, hear…” He looks over at Johanna, who winks at him before turning to our daughter.  “We were wondering if you wanted to go the clinic on your birthday. Check out what your godmother is doing out here.”

“I’d love to!” Adina says excitedly. “I’ve always wanted to see Auntie Jo-Jo hard at work. It might make me forgive her for leaving all those times.” She sticks her tongue out at her godmother.

“Oh, please.” Johanna gives her a smile and then turns to Peeta and me. “How about you guys? Did you want to join us?”

“Of course,” Peeta says as he puts an arm around me. “I’m sure it’s going to be an amazing experience.” He meets my eyes and kisses me quickly, his eyes burning into mine.

“Get a room,” Johanna says to us. “Or better yet—tomorrow, Haymitch and I are taking your daughter sightseeing so you won’t gross her out any more than I’m sure you already have.”

“Tell me about it,” Adina says to her. “Parents Day at my school was a nightmare. These two kept on sneaking kisses with each other in empty corners. Whenever they weren’t, I kept getting people asking me if the ‘hottie’ I came with was single.”

“Who were they talking about?” Haymitch asks.

“After taking a tally, most of them were asking about Dad, but it was mostly because Mom has a scary ‘back-off’ glare. Dad is much more approachable.”

I laugh at her words. “I get awkward in crowds! Gathering from what we saw today, you’ve obviously inherited your Dad’s ‘approachable’ nature.” Peeta snorts in remembrance and I look at our friends. “Somehow, Adina managed to get a whole soccer team to help her carry two carts of luggage.”

Johanna looks over at my daughter and raises her glass. “I see you’ve taken my words to heart.”

Standing up, Adina clinks her glass against Johanna’s and gives her a sly smile. “I’ve learned a few tricks on my own.”

My best friend gives Adina a mock bow. “The student has finally surpassed the teacher.”

++++++

**_Monday, November 17, 2014 4:30PM_ **

“Finished,” I tell Peeta and gather the papers with my signature. Handing them to him, I sit back on the couch in our suite.

Peeta takes the stack from me and places them in the briefcase on the floor. “Looks like everything is finished.” He grabs the open bottle of champagne on the coffee table and pours some into the flute next to it. “Are you nervous?”

“No,” I say to him as he hands me the glass. “I’m excited; we’ve been waiting a long time for this.” He settles back next to me and after taking a sip, I give him the flute. “How about you?”

“A little,” he says softly. “This is going to be a new beginning.” Peeta puts an arm around me. “So far, however, all of my beginnings have been wonderful.”

Our lips meet softly in a brief, breathless kiss, fire running through my veins at his touch and I wonder how I went so long without feeling this alive.

“Are you happy, Mrs. Mellark?” Peeta asks softly, his mouth still against mine.

“More than I’ve known,” I reply. “And you, Mr. Mellark?”

“I think I showed you how happy I am this morning…” His lips move to my neck. “…After lunch…” He trails his mouth to my earlobe and a moan escapes my mouth. This is a favorite spot of mine. “…and about an hour ago.” I turn to him and he smiles. “But if you’d like, I can show you again.”

I chuckle as I lean back against him. “Good Lord, you’re voracious!”

“I wasn’t like this until now—until you,” he says. “You’ve changed me, Katniss.”

“You’ve given me hope,” I tell him quietly. “That would have made a great wedding vow.” I take his hand and kiss the top of it. “But I’m perfectly happy with the old fashioned ones, too.”

“We definitely need a little more tradition in our lives,” Peeta adds.

The front door of the suite opens and Adina enters slowly.

She gives us a pained smile, her footsteps heavy as she walks over. “Hey.”

We sit up quickly at seeing her expression. “Are you okay, baby?” I ask and pat the spot next to me. “Sit down.”

She rushes over and her arms immediately wrap around my waist as she buries her face against my chest.

I meet Peeta’s eyes worriedly and he reaches for her hair. “What’s wrong, Adina?”

She won’t answer, instead burrowing herself closer to us.

“Maybe I should call Jo-Jo and ask what’s going on—“

“No!” Adina looks up at me, her eyes panicked. “Don’t, please! I don’t want them to have to explain again.” She straightens up and looks at me. “I’m fine, really; I was just feeling a little overwhelmed.”

“What happened?” Peeta asks, concerned at her shift in mood.

“I had a great time with Auntie Jo-Jo and Haymitch,” she starts. “We had lunch and we went shopping. Then they took me to the Nairobi National Park and we went on a safari walk—it was all great.” Her eyes suddenly sober from her thoughts. “Before we finished, they took me for dessert and Haymitch gave me this.”

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper. Adina hands it to me, tears trailing down her face.

I open it and read the message. “ _My name is Adam. I am seven years old. I like to play. I want to go to New York._ ”

Folding it carefully, I give it back to her. “Oh, honey…” I pull her closer to me. “I’m sorry.”

“It was his last assignment,” she tell us sniffing back her tears. “When Haymitch asked him why he wanted to go to New York—he said he wanted to go to marry me.” She lets out a choked laugh at the thought of her young suitor. “I’m sure he would’ve changed his mind once he met me.” 

She clamps her hand over her mouth and takes a deep breath before placing her shaking hands in her lap. “He was only seven and he had so much to give—Haymitch told me how smart he was. How could he go like that? It isn’t fair!”

Her face falls into her hands as she bursts into tears.

This is Adina’s first brush with death.

She knew this little boy and thought of him as a little brother. She and Peeta would often go to bookstores together to get storybooks for Adam. My mother would mail Adina new children’s books that her company published to send over to him.

I look over at Peeta and his eyes reflect the same question. How do we help our daughter deal with this experience? It is the sad truth that this will not be the last time she’ll experiences the death of someone close to her.

After a moment, Peeta pulls her hands away from her face. “Do you remember when I told you about Cinna and Glimmer?”

She nods, her eyes meeting his. “How could I forget?”

“You couldn’t understand how I could deal with something like that and come out okay. What did I tell you?”

“That even though you experienced one horrible moment in time, you wouldn’t trade it for the millions of good times that you had with them. That it was special enough just to know them,” she recounts sadly.

“Exactly.” He lifts her chin tenderly. “You cared for Adam because he was a friend. Yes, he is gone, but that shouldn’t stop you from remembering that you impacted his life, honey.” Peeta kisses her forehead. “And that he impacted yours. Don’t let his death stop you from living your life. I know he wouldn’t want that for you, Haymitch, or your Aunt Johanna because he cared for you all.”

She takes a shaky breath and nods. “You’re right. He wouldn’t have wanted me to be so sad,” Adina tells us quietly. We sit together silently for a moment, gathering ourselves before Adina speaks again. “I love you both. I don’t know if I tell you enough.”

“You don’t need to tell us, love,” I reply softly. “We already know.”

Adina stands up slowly. “I think I’ll to go to bed early.” She leans down and kisses us both on the cheek. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Peeta asks, worry in his blue eyes.

She nods. “Not all the way okay, but I’ll get there,” she says to us. Adina turns to leave but suddenly circles back. “You know, for a while—it was nice to have a little brother.” She gives us a soft smile. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” I say to her softly. “Tomorrow will be better.”

She nods before turning to go to her bedroom, closing the door behind her softly.

My head falls onto his shoulder. “Our baby is turning nineteen tomorrow. Every year it gets harder not to think that she won’t need me anymore.”

“I’m sure that she’ll always need you,” Peeta assures me affectionately. “You’re a great mother, Katniss.”

“And you’re a great father,” I reply. “Tomorrow will be better—I already know it.”

++++++

**_Tuesday, November 18, 2014 2:00PM_ **

_Kibera, Nairobi_

“We have four clinics in the slums of Kibera and Mathare,” Johanna tells us as we walk through the clinic. “There is testing and treatment for HIV and TB here, as well as maternal and pediatric care—we also work with victims of sexual abuse and violence.”

“This is a great facility,” Peeta says to her as he walks beside me. He holds up his camera. “Would it be okay to take pictures?”

“I’ve talked to the officials here; if it’s okay with the patients, then it is alright with me,” she tells him with a smile.

“How do you do this every day, Jo-Jo?” I ask her. Around us, there are dozens of patients. Some of them turn to look at us as we walk by, but most don’t even acknowledge that we’re there. There are so many children—they stare up at us, eyes wide and fearful.

“I do this because it’s what I love, and it is my duty to care for those who can’t or won’t take care of themselves,” she says simply.

“And if there is anyone who can handle this job, its Johanna,” Haymitch says from behind us, a little girl of four or five in his arms. He meets my friend’s eyes and gives her a smile. Johanna’s cheeks color slightly as she watches him with the little girl.

Peeta quickly snaps a photo of Haymitch and the little girl. He looks over at Johanna still staring and nudges her out of her trance. “I’ll make a copy for you.”

“Thanks,” she replies, a small smile on her face. 

Suddenly, Johanna looks around. “Where’s Adina?”

The little girl points ahead of us.

There, standing in front of a clear glass window, is Adina. She stands so still, entranced by whatever she’s looking at.

“That’s the nursery ward,” Johanna informs us. “It’s part of the new maternity unit that was just completed.”

Peeta takes a quick photo of our daughter before taking my hand.

When we all reach Adina, she finally turns to us. She gives us a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I got a little distracted.”

My best friend shakes her head and puts a hand on her shoulder. “They are cute, aren’t they?”

I look through the window and see the line of glass cribs holding the tiny infants. My hand tightens around Peeta’s.

“Why don’t we check it out?” Johanna suggests. “You’ll have to put on gowns—if you’re okay with that. Also, Peeta, you can’t bring the camera in with you.”

“That’s fine,” my husband tells her.

“I’ll take it since I’m not going in,” Haymitch offers as he lowers the little girl he was carrying back safely onto the ground. She scurries off quickly. He looks over at me, kindness in his eyes. “You look worried—don’t be. It’s going to be great.”

I take a deep breath and give him a smile. “Of course.”

We all put on gowns given to us by Johanna and Adina quickly ties her hair up into a topknot. Peeta hands his Canon to Haymitch and they speak briefly before Peeta joins me by the entrance.

Johanna opens the door and we all walk into the room. It is quiet, as most of the babies are napping. The ones that aren’t asleep move about in their glass cribs as we walk through the rows.

They are all beautiful.

Peeta nudges me gently and I look up.

Adina is making her way through the row, her steps decisive as she moves towards the back of the room.

Suddenly, she stops in front of one of last cribs—her body still as she looks down at the infant. Her arms reach down to pick up the blue bundle.

Adina’s face crumples as she cradles the baby. “I knew I’d find you.” My lips tremble at the sight and we walk towards them slowly, scared to break the spell.

She turns to us, her eyes blindingly shining with tears and her face flushed.

“This is him,” she sobs. “This is my brother.”

Adina presses her face to the baby and kisses his forehead softly. She meets my suddenly wet eyes and holds the blue bundle out carefully for me to take.

My arms reach instinctively for the baby and when he is finally in my arms, I get my first real look at my son.

He’s grown from the last picture that Johanna sent me six months ago.

However, those big brown eyes are still the same—the ones that Peeta and I fell in love with. The ones we knew right away were the eyes of our little boy.

His hand reaches out and I press a kiss to his small palm. “Hello, sweetheart, it’s me—Mommy.”

I play with his dark curly hair and place kisses on his mocha skin. He gurgles, content in my arms.

I turn to my husband. “Peeta, come and meet your son.”

Peeta moves slowly towards us and when his eyes meet the little one’s, he lets out a choked sob.

My husband looks at Adina and me, his eyes wide.

“I’m scared,” he says in a quiet voice. “I’m afraid that this is all just one big, wonderful dream.”

“No, my love—” Carefully, I place our son in his father’s arms. “He is perfectly real.”

Peeta looks down at the little boy, rocking him slowly as the tears fall steadily down his face. Our son’s hands reach forward to touch Peeta’s rough chin and when he makes contact, the baby lets out a happy gurgle and my husband half-laughs, half-sobs in happiness.

Adina rests her head on my shoulder and I put an arm around her. Together, we watch father and son meet for the first time.

“I thought you didn’t tell Adina.” I turn to see Johanna behind us, her face wet with tears.

Behind the window, Haymitch is taking photos with the Canon. My husband instructed Haymitch, the day before, on how to use the old camera to document this moment.

“We didn’t,” I reply as I watch Peeta talking quietly to our little boy.

“They didn’t need to.”

Adina looks over at Peeta and her brother with a soft smile on her face.

“Cinna was already calling me before we even walked inside.”

+++++++

**_One Month Later_ **

_Cresta Winery, Napa, California_

“Cut the cake already—I’m starving!”

“I think my daughter should get the first piece as it is her birthday,” Thresh responds to my best friend as he cuts the pink fondant cake at the table next to us. “So you, Miss Thing, will have to wait!”

Johanna flips our friend off before turning back to me with a pout. “Seriously, though, I’m hungry.”

I bounce Cinna on my knee and he giggles happily. “Auntie Jo-Jo is mean when she’s hungry, isn’t she?”

I look over to where Peeta is talking to Gale by the BBQ grill and our eyes meet briefly. He blows me a quick kiss and Gale turns around, blanching at our display of affection.

“Come on,” Johanna suddenly says huffily. “Cut the cutesy shit.”

“Did you take an extra dose of bitch this morning?” I ask her as she sits back. “Is Haymitch not giving you the goods?”

Johanna gives me a sly smile as she crosses her legs.

“Oh, he’s giving it—from the top, the bottom, the side, and sometimes, if I’m a good girl – with my hands behind my back.”

“I feel like we walked in on a very interesting conversation,” Annie says as she joins us at the table along with Madge, who is holding Hanna in her arms. “So what were you talking about?”

“What happens to Johanna with she’s a good girl,” I reply. “Where are Finnick and Maggie?”

“Diaper change,” Annie replies quickly and then turns to look at Johanna. “So what happens when you’re a good girl?”

“Well, Haymitch—“

“CAKE TIME!” Thresh suddenly places pieces of cake in front of us, giving Johanna the first piece. “I think we would rather not know what’s going on with you and your fella.”

“That’s not exactly true,” Madge says and she forks a small piece for Hanna to sample. “I’m kind of curious about how instructive Haymitch is during—“

“What are you all talking about?” Adina interrupts as she walks towards us with Peeta and Haymitch following behind her.

“Nothing,” we all say collectively.

“Oh, so something to do with sex,” Adina says calmly as she reaches to pick up her baby brother. Cinna reaches to play with the locks of her long hair, which are streaked with strands of caramel from a recent trip to a salon with Annie.

“Someone get me a glass of wine, my ears just started bleeding,” Johanna says. Instead, Haymitch hands her a bottled water and she turns the cap as she looks over at my daughter. “You said that so lightly, and so much like—“

“You?” Adina finishes as presses her lips against the top of Cinna’s head. “Don’t worry. Taking care of Cinna is enough birth control for me.”

“And now my ears are bleeding,” Peeta says from his spot behind me, his hands resting lightly on my shoulders.  I look up at him and he smiles before leaning down to kiss me.

Since we brought Cinna back home, it has been a crazy yet beautiful month. We settled into our new penthouse in the East Village with our son.

Adina decided to move into our place because she didn’t want to be separated from her brother—and because she was college-student broke. We didn’t mind, and in fact, we were happy to have her home. Though we often had to make her to go back to bed whenever Cinna would cry in the middle of the night because she wanted to be the one to rock him to sleep.

Needless to say, Adina adores him.

We all do.

I don’t mind not sleeping, because at night, Cinna and I have the best conversations. I tell him our story—of how his father and I met, about the birth of his older sister, and how we all became a family. My son listens intently, his eyes wide, until I lull him to sleep singing songs from our past.

His favorite lullaby is Semisonic’s “Closing Time”.

Peeta takes picture after picture of him. He shows Cinna how to clean the camera equipment during lunch time. Our son watches with his fist in his mouth as his Daddy explains about wide-angle lenses and apertures.

“So what did you think of the cake?” Teddy asks as he walks to our table, hand in hand with Olivia, who at two, walks steadily. “I made it last night and it was a bitch to bring over here.”

“Delicious,” Johanna says, her mouth full.

“Hanna loves it, as you can see,” Madge says as she wipes the frosting from her daughter’s now pink face.

“We missed the cake!” Finnick emerges from inside the house with Maggie in his arms. The beautiful dark-haired girl reaches for her mother when she sees the piece of cake in front of Annie. Maggie is really Annie’s mini-me, except for her eyes, which are bright blue—a trait inherited from Finnick’s mother.

“Don’t tease my baby!” Annie scolds him as she settles Maggie on her lap and kisses her cheek. “No cake for you!” Finnick kisses the top of her head and Annie blushes. “Okay, maybe one piece.”

“I finally put that fire out!” Gale reaches our table and picks Hanna up from Madge’s arms. “Do you want me to grab her clean dress from the car?”

His wife shakes her head. “Clearly, now that she’s had a piece—she’s going to want another. And her Daddy will indulge her.”

Madge stands up so Gale can sit in her seat and then sits on his lap while placing Hanna on hers. Hanna grabs a piece of cake from the plate in front of her and offers it to Gale, who of course, accepts the sloppy piece from her hand.

“Hey, Peeta!” Johanna suddenly says. “We need a picture.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” he responds and takes his camera equipment out from under the table. He looks around. “Everyone head over to the balcony. Tall people in the back, babies in the front!”

Our group stands up, children in tow. Adina takes Cinna with her, adjusting his shirt as she walks.

I look over at Peeta and give him a smile as he sets up his tripod. “You have to be in the picture too, remember that.”

He gives me a quick kiss. “Of course—now get over there.”

I walk over to our group and stand next to Adina. Cinna lets out a cry when he sees me and I reach for my son, who quickly settles against me.

“Hey, Katniss.” I turn to see Johanna watching me. “You look happy.”

“I am.”

“Congratulations,” she says, her eyes warm and bright.

I look at her still-flat abdomen and meet her eyes knowingly. “You, too.”

Johanna smiles softly, her hand settling on her stomach. “Thanks.”

“Okay everyone!” Peeta calls out as he rushes over to stand behind Adina and me. “This is on the timer—so smile!”

I look up and meet his eyes quickly. “It’s going to be an interesting year.”

He grins, remembering my words from that picnic long ago before we both turn to face the camera.

++++++

I hear the click of Peeta’s camera as I walk up the stairs to our bedrooms.

Though my mother bought our home, she already owned her own and actually stayed there.

I’m grateful that she never sold it—it is our West Coast home. It is the place where our daughter grew up.

But more than that, it is where our story started.

We will bring Cinna on vacations here and as he grows older, we will show him the city where we met and fell in love. Maybe one day, we might even settle back here—who can say at this point?

I find my husband at the doorway to our master bedroom, his camera poised at his face.

Looking over his shoulder, I look to see what he’s taking pictures of. Sleeping side by side on our bed are Adina and Cinna. Our daughter rests a protective hand behind her brother’s back. They are curled up facing one another.

“I found them here about ten minutes ago,” Peeta tells me as he lowers his camera.

Taking his hand, I lead him into our room. He places his camera on his bedside table then crawls in next to Cinna. I follow suit, curling up next to Adina.

I look over at Peeta, who adjusts our son against him. Adina shifts and turns, settling her head against my chest. Even now, my heartbeat seems to soothe her and I touch her chin softly.

This time, I don’t see Peeta’s smile – I see her own. She’s really grown into herself. We couldn’t be prouder or happier—she really is the best of us.

We will raise Cinna to be the same way—independent, strong and intelligent.

“Katniss?” I look up to see Peeta watching me and for a moment, I see the boy lying next to me in the Sonoma vineyard. “Will you marry me?”

I grin. “We are married, you dope.”

Peeta chuckles softly. “I mean the wedding gown-walking down the aisle-kind of married.”

I close my eyes, smelling our daughter’s sweet scent and hearing our son’s contented sighs as I answer him.

“Yes.”

++++++

That night, I dreamt about our wedding.

It was in that vineyard in Sonoma. The same vineyard where we had created our daughter, where we pledged ourselves to each other, and where he first proposed one dark night when we were still kids.

Somewhere, a lone violinist plays “Fields of Gold”, as my father and mother walk me down the aisle. The train of my cream mermaid wedding gown drags gracefully along the rough field as I march towards my beaming husband.  

Under a wooden archway awaits Peeta, along with his groomsmen, Thresh and Gale.

To the opposite side is Adina, smiling brightly—her long awaited wish finally happening. She holds the hand of her now-standing little brother. She’s in a tea-length dress the same color as my gown, while Cinna matches his father in a grey suit.

Johanna, my maid of honor, sticks her tongue out at me before her eyes briefly go to the front seats where Haymitch stands holding their infant son, Adam. Prim, who is very pregnant and hormonal, stands next to Johanna, wiping her eyes.

Our flower girls, Olivia, Maggie and Hanna, fuss in their white dresses as they sit on the laps of their parents.

My eyes meet Peeta’s and I take his hand, ready to start another beginning.

Finnick, our officiant, starts a wedding ceremony that has been in the making for a long, long, long time.

It was a nice dream.

A year later, it wasn’t one.

**THE END.**

* * *

 

I really can’t believe this is over. It has been exactly two years since I started this story. I hope that you’ve enjoyed the ride.

I want to thank all of you who stuck around.

Also, thank you to those helped during this writing process – Chelzie, my beta, who edited and made sure that I wasn’t messing up this whole story. To Kayla (aka keelaree), my pre-reader, who constantly urged me to write and provided some awesome feedback for each chapter.

To my husband, who helped with finding music and was also my nineties guru. This story is like his baby so it’s going to be hard for him to let go.

Some notes:

I had always intended for Katniss and Peeta to adopt and that their child would be from a region of Africa. It also made sense that Johanna would help them, as I had always intended for her to work in Africa by the end of the story.

Kenya is one of the places that “Doctors Without Borders” does work in. In Nairobi, their clinics are located within the Kibera and Methare slums. A health center in Kibera now houses a 24-hour maternity ward.

The Panari Hotel Nairobi does exist and actually houses the largest skating ring in Africa. Jomo Kenyatta International Airport is about ten minutes away from the hotel.

The Nairobi National Park is a national park in Kenya, which is actually four miles south of Nairobi. Electric fencing separates wildlife from the metropolis, and Nairobi’s skyscrapers can be seen from the park. They actually do have a safari walk.

Don’t you just love babies? I have pictures of all of them.

Trust me when I tell you that a lot of this story did not turn out how I thought it would, but that’s life as a fanfiction writer.

Hellos, comments, and reviews are welcomed on FF, AO3 and Tumblr.

Once more, thank you for reading “Again”. It really has been a pleasure writing it.

\--JLaLa

 

 

 


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